Police Jokes

  • What do you call a psychic midget wanted by the police?

    A small medium at large.

  • Why did the feminist get triggered?

    The police found it easier than arresting her.

  • How do police know that princess Diana had dandruff?

    They found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel.

  • Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?

    1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

  • Why was the tired criminal delighted when he was caught by the police?

    Because he needed *arrest*!!!

  • What did the cop say to the doughnut as he ate it?

    Rest in **police**.

  • How do you change the light bulb in the dark?

    You don't. The police shoot you.

  • What did the hacker do when the police came for him?

    He ransomware.

  • Which fairy tale character would be most likely to be shot by the police?

    An un-armed gingerbread man

  • What did the terrorist say to the police before he blew up the building?

    C4 yourself!

  • Why are the police so corrupt?

    Because criminals keep turning themselves into the police.

  • Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?

    They suspected it of fowl play.

  • What did the Middle Eastern terrorist say when he was captured by the police?


  • What's worse than having your car impounded by the police?

    Impounding your mother

  • What did the chinese guy tell the police when he was caught?

    You got the Wong guy.

  • What does Sting have in common with a snitch?

    They both sang at the police.

  • Why are crime rates down in the US?

    Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.

  • Why wouldn't the mouse tell the police where he hid the cheese?

    Because he's not a rat.

  • Why did the police shoot the black insomniac?

    He resisted a rest.

  • What happened when the barman died?

    The police held an inn-quest

  • What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common?

    One protects all colors.

  • What nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer?

    A fair cop.

  • Why did the French fry call the police?

    Because it was a(salt)ted.

  • Why did the french chef go to the police?

    Escargot stolen.

  • Why couldn't the police solve the case of the flat car battery?

    They had no leads.

  • Why did the police arrest the pedo sheep?

    Because he was on the lam.

  • Why do black people always die first in scary movies?

    Because they never run from nothin but the police

  • What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

    The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies. Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

  • Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?

    Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly. "Oh damn, shots fired!" But not by the pizza guy.

  • Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?

    It reads "Small medium at large."

  • Why do police in the US carry a tazer and pepper spray?

    In case they run out of bullets.

  • Why did the book join the police?

    He wanted to work undercover.

  • Where do police put their drinks?


  • What do you call a white guy with 2 black guys in the back of the car?

    The police. What do you call a black guy with 2 white guys in the back of the car Uber!

  • What did the police say to the man who wouldn't go to sleep?

    He's resisting a rest!"

  • Why is it expensive to be a criminal?

    Because the police charge you.

  • Who is it?

    Police: Police. Me:What do u want Police: To talk. Me: How many r u Police: 2 Me: Talk to each other.

  • What do driving and dating have in common?

    Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.

  • What is it called when the police work overtime?

    Copper Nitrate.

  • What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

    and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

  • How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear?

    It was a brief chase...

  • Who takes the most drugs?

    The police.

  • What do you call a midget fortune teller running from the police?

    A small medium at large.

  • Why were the police at the day care?

    Because some of the two-year-olds were resisting a rest.

  • What does a Chicago cop say after emptying his clip into a fleeing suspect?

    Stop. Police."

  • Why did the Tour de France get raided?

    The police heard it was full of pedal-philes.

  • What happened when Santa cut his beard?

    The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC

  • Why are rubber tires black?

    So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

  • What disease do police give black people?

    Glock coma

  • What did the police say when they finished interviewing Dylann Roof?

    You're hired

  • Why didn't Sug Knight talk to the police?

    Because the g is silent

  • Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

    Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

  • What happens when you turn a cashew in to the police?

    You bust a nut

  • What do the Police, the NFL and Black Lives Matter all have in common?

    They all have the same PR guy.

  • What do The Police do to catch criminals easily?

    Sting operation, of course!

  • Why did Darth Vader get suspended from the Police?

    He was under investigation for excessive use of Force

  • Why do the police hate teenage fireflies?

    They never stop lighting up.

  • What do the Police and Pokemon have in common?

    They gotta catch 'Jamal

  • Why is Superman wanted by the police?

    He is wanted for being the Man of Steal.

  • What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing?

    That's not my stile.

  • How did the police determine which turtle ate the diamond ring?

    They conducted an in-turtle investigation.

  • What do the Police and Pokmon have in common?

    They gotta catch 'Jamal

  • Why didn't the police shoot the polarbear who was wandering peacefully around the streets?

    Because he was white.

  • Why did the police arrest the energizer bunny?

    He was wanted for several charges of battery

  • What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?

    The police made him bring it back again.

  • Why did the police arrest the sidewalk sidewalk?

    It always had some sort of weed on it!

  • Who is driving the car?

    The police.

  • What did the police say to the hot dog?

    You are under arrest.

  • Why couldn't the police arrest the drug dealer?

    Because the evidence was under their noses (They sniffed the cocaine)

  • Why couldn't the police arrest the robber on the second floor?

    Because he took the stairs.