Police Jokes
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What do you call a psychic midget wanted by the police?
A small medium at large.
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Why did the feminist get triggered?
The police found it easier than arresting her.
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How do police know that princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel.
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Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
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Why was the tired criminal delighted when he was caught by the police?
Because he needed *arrest*!!!
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What did the cop say to the doughnut as he ate it?
Rest in **police**.
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How do you change the light bulb in the dark?
You don't. The police shoot you.
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What did the hacker do when the police came for him?
He ransomware.
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Which fairy tale character would be most likely to be shot by the police?
An un-armed gingerbread man
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What did the terrorist say to the police before he blew up the building?
C4 yourself!
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Why are the police so corrupt?
Because criminals keep turning themselves into the police.
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Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?
They suspected it of fowl play.
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What did the Middle Eastern terrorist say when he was captured by the police?
Oman!
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What's worse than having your car impounded by the police?
Impounding your mother
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What did the chinese guy tell the police when he was caught?
You got the Wong guy.
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What does Sting have in common with a snitch?
They both sang at the police.
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Why are crime rates down in the US?
Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.
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Why wouldn't the mouse tell the police where he hid the cheese?
Because he's not a rat.
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Why did the police shoot the black insomniac?
He resisted a rest.
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What happened when the barman died?
The police held an inn-quest
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What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common?
One protects all colors.
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What nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer?
A fair cop.
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Why did the French fry call the police?
Because it was a(salt)ted.
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Why did the french chef go to the police?
Escargot stolen.
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Why couldn't the police solve the case of the flat car battery?
They had no leads.
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Why did the police arrest the pedo sheep?
Because he was on the lam.
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Why do black people always die first in scary movies?
Because they never run from nothin but the police
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What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?
The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies. Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.
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Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?
Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly. "Oh damn, shots fired!" But not by the pizza guy.
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Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?
It reads "Small medium at large."
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Why do police in the US carry a tazer and pepper spray?
In case they run out of bullets.
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Why did the book join the police?
He wanted to work undercover.
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Where do police put their drinks?
Copholders
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What do you call a white guy with 2 black guys in the back of the car?
The police. What do you call a black guy with 2 white guys in the back of the car Uber!
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What did the police say to the man who wouldn't go to sleep?
He's resisting a rest!"
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Why is it expensive to be a criminal?
Because the police charge you.
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Who is it?
Police: Police. Me:What do u want Police: To talk. Me: How many r u Police: 2 Me: Talk to each other.
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What do driving and dating have in common?
Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.
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What is it called when the police work overtime?
Copper Nitrate.
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What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?
and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
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How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear?
It was a brief chase...
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Who takes the most drugs?
The police.
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What do you call a midget fortune teller running from the police?
A small medium at large.
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Why were the police at the day care?
Because some of the two-year-olds were resisting a rest.
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What does a Chicago cop say after emptying his clip into a fleeing suspect?
Stop. Police."
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Why did the Tour de France get raided?
The police heard it was full of pedal-philes.
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What happened when Santa cut his beard?
The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC
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Why are rubber tires black?
So the police know what to shoot at during a chase
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What disease do police give black people?
Glock coma
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What did the police say when they finished interviewing Dylann Roof?
You're hired
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Why didn't Sug Knight talk to the police?
Because the g is silent
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Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
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What happens when you turn a cashew in to the police?
You bust a nut
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What do the Police, the NFL and Black Lives Matter all have in common?
They all have the same PR guy.
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What do The Police do to catch criminals easily?
Sting operation, of course!
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Why did Darth Vader get suspended from the Police?
He was under investigation for excessive use of Force
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Why do the police hate teenage fireflies?
They never stop lighting up.
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What do the Police and Pokemon have in common?
They gotta catch 'Jamal
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Why is Superman wanted by the police?
He is wanted for being the Man of Steal.
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What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing?
That's not my stile.
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How did the police determine which turtle ate the diamond ring?
They conducted an in-turtle investigation.
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What do the Police and Pokmon have in common?
They gotta catch 'Jamal
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Why didn't the police shoot the polarbear who was wandering peacefully around the streets?
Because he was white.
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Why did the police arrest the energizer bunny?
He was wanted for several charges of battery
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What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring it back again.
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Why did the police arrest the sidewalk sidewalk?
It always had some sort of weed on it!
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Who is driving the car?
The police.
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What did the police say to the hot dog?
You are under arrest.
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Why couldn't the police arrest the drug dealer?
Because the evidence was under their noses (They sniffed the cocaine)
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Why couldn't the police arrest the robber on the second floor?
Because he took the stairs.