Raise Jokes

  • Why did the doorman get a raise?

    He was always out standing.

  • Why the hate for necromancers?

    T They're just trying to raise a family.

  • What kinds of birds are raised by only their mothers?


  • What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?

    They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.

  • What do you call a person that raises the dead and also had a thing for napes?

    A neck-romancer

  • What did the dog say to the other dog at the party?

    Raise the woof!

  • What do you call someone who raises the dead by giving them hickeys?

    A Neckromancer

  • What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?

    A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."

  • Why do blacks raise chickens?

    To teach their kids how to walk.

  • What is the difference between a Black Guy and an elevator ?

    One can raise a child

  • Why should you always invite Amish people to a party?

    They know how to raise the roof.

  • What do you call someone who raises poultry?

    A chicken tender.

  • What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?

    A. They really raised Cain.

  • Why did the ghost get in the elevator?

    to raise his spirits

  • How do you raise a baby elephant ?

    With a fork lift truck !

  • Why did the Scarecrow get a raise?

    He was outstanding in his field!

  • What's the difference between a black dad and a elevator?

    A elevator can raise a kid

  • How do you know the Statue of Liberty isn't French?

    It doesn't have both arms raised. And yes I know the French manufactured the Statue of Liberty and gave it to the United States

  • What did the bunny ask his boss for?

    A raise in *celery*.

  • How can you tell when a skunk is angry?

    It raises a stink!

  • Who made this Christmas pudding?

    Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it Elf-raising flour of course.

  • What did the orphan poker player say?

    Will you raise me?

  • Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden?

    We're raising mashed potatoes.

  • What do you put in an actor's drink... OC to raise the level of anticipation at the Oscars?


  • Who could that be?

    It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock Me: It depends on how they were raised...

  • What do I get when I raise up a platform to play Mozart?

    Amadeus on my dais.

  • Who's a good girl?

    WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

  • What do you get when you take an HIV medication and raise the price 5,000%?

    Rich AND famous, apparently

  • How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?

    About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.

  • How do construction workers party?

    they raise the roof.

  • Why is the Austrian flag red-white-red'?

    So that they can't raise it upside-down"

  • When is the best time to raise money?

    When there's a stripper in front of you.

  • Why are gorillas so noisy?

    A: They were raised in a zoo!

  • How many of you believe in telekinesis?

    Raise MY hand!

  • What's the difference between a goat and a kid?

    My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising two of my goats.

  • What did they say to the CEO who raise minimum wage to $70,000?

    Price is right!

  • How many ladies have you slept with?

    she said. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10 " She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..." I said, "Zero."

  • When do accountants laugh out loud?

    When somebody asks for a raise

  • How to raise a kid?

    I injected my kid with yeast and put him in the oven for 30 minutes but he didn't rise. Any suggestions

  • What do you call a narcissistic plant with an erection?

    A self-raising flower. I'm so sorry.

  • Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden?

    He wanted to raise some hard cash.

  • Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?

    God: Uh huge grin cos I'm banging his wife raises hand up top

  • Why do oysters enjoy being cooked?

    It raises their shellfish steam.

  • How do you keep men on their toes?

    Raise the urinals

  • What is the difference between a black man and an elevator?

    An elevator can raise a child.

  • Why did the cultists adopt a dead child?

    They wanted to raise the dead.

  • What's a bicyclists favorite letter?

    A! (hands raised up)

  • What can an elevator do that a black man can't?

    Raise a family.

  • How many of you believe in psychokinesis?

    Raise my hand. - Taken from local Chinese joint fortune cookie.

  • Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?

    A: She couldn't raise enough dough.

  • Why was the horse farmer arrested?

    He was raising a colt.

  • Why do tomcats fight ?

    Because they like raising a stink !

  • Why did I leave my grades at the orphanage?

    I couldn't raise them

  • Why couldn't the clown make balloon animals for the children?

    With inflation raising the cost he couldn't afford it.

  • What is the dairy farmer's favorite exercise?

    Calf Raises.

  • Why is there all this hate against necromancers?

    They are just trying to raise a family in peace.

  • What do you call an orphan named Rose?

    Self-raising flour

  • What is the difference between an elevator and black people?

    And elevator can raise kids

  • What's the difference between a Mexican and an elevator?

    An elevator can raise a family I'll just see myself out.

  • How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?

    A: None. The democrats do that.

  • How much does Jesus love you?

    Thiiiiiiis much. (Must be said while arms are raised out to side)

  • How can you tell the difference between normal and self-raising flour?

    One has parents

  • What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar?

    He raised Cain.

  • What's the difference between an elevator and a black guy?

    The elevator can raise a child.

  • How many parents does it take to raise a homicidal maniac?

    Two, then one, then none

  • How do I raise my kids?

    Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it

  • What do vampires make sandwiches out of?

    Self-raising dead.

  • Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food?

    He wanted to raised stewed beef!

  • What did Redditor Jesus say to Lazarus?

    I see your dead body and raise you back to life (NSFL)