Raise Jokes
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Why did the doorman get a raise?
He was always out standing.
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Why the hate for necromancers?
T They're just trying to raise a family.
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What kinds of birds are raised by only their mothers?
Blackbirds
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What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?
They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.
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What do you call a person that raises the dead and also had a thing for napes?
A neck-romancer
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What did the dog say to the other dog at the party?
Raise the woof!
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What do you call someone who raises the dead by giving them hickeys?
A Neckromancer
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What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?
A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."
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Why do blacks raise chickens?
To teach their kids how to walk.
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What is the difference between a Black Guy and an elevator ?
One can raise a child
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Why should you always invite Amish people to a party?
They know how to raise the roof.
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What do you call someone who raises poultry?
A chicken tender.
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What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
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Why did the ghost get in the elevator?
to raise his spirits
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How do you raise a baby elephant ?
With a fork lift truck !
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Why did the Scarecrow get a raise?
He was outstanding in his field!
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What's the difference between a black dad and a elevator?
A elevator can raise a kid
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How do you know the Statue of Liberty isn't French?
It doesn't have both arms raised. And yes I know the French manufactured the Statue of Liberty and gave it to the United States
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What did the bunny ask his boss for?
A raise in *celery*.
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How can you tell when a skunk is angry?
It raises a stink!
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Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it Elf-raising flour of course.
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What did the orphan poker player say?
Will you raise me?
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Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden?
We're raising mashed potatoes.
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What do you put in an actor's drink... OC to raise the level of anticipation at the Oscars?
Expectorant(/spoiler)
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Who could that be?
It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock Me: It depends on how they were raised...
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What do I get when I raise up a platform to play Mozart?
Amadeus on my dais.
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Who's a good girl?
WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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What do you get when you take an HIV medication and raise the price 5,000%?
Rich AND famous, apparently
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How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?
About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.
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How do construction workers party?
they raise the roof.
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Why is the Austrian flag red-white-red'?
So that they can't raise it upside-down"
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When is the best time to raise money?
When there's a stripper in front of you.
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Why are gorillas so noisy?
A: They were raised in a zoo!
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How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise MY hand!
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What's the difference between a goat and a kid?
My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising two of my goats.
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What did they say to the CEO who raise minimum wage to $70,000?
Price is right!
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How many ladies have you slept with?
she said. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10 " She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..." I said, "Zero."
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When do accountants laugh out loud?
When somebody asks for a raise
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How to raise a kid?
I injected my kid with yeast and put him in the oven for 30 minutes but he didn't rise. Any suggestions
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What do you call a narcissistic plant with an erection?
A self-raising flower. I'm so sorry.
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Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden?
He wanted to raise some hard cash.
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Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh huge grin cos I'm banging his wife raises hand up top
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Why do oysters enjoy being cooked?
It raises their shellfish steam.
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How do you keep men on their toes?
Raise the urinals
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What is the difference between a black man and an elevator?
An elevator can raise a child.
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Why did the cultists adopt a dead child?
They wanted to raise the dead.
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What's a bicyclists favorite letter?
A! (hands raised up)
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What can an elevator do that a black man can't?
Raise a family.
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How many of you believe in psychokinesis?
Raise my hand. - Taken from local Chinese joint fortune cookie.
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Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?
A: She couldn't raise enough dough.
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Why was the horse farmer arrested?
He was raising a colt.
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Why do tomcats fight ?
Because they like raising a stink !
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Why did I leave my grades at the orphanage?
I couldn't raise them
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Why couldn't the clown make balloon animals for the children?
With inflation raising the cost he couldn't afford it.
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What is the dairy farmer's favorite exercise?
Calf Raises.
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Why is there all this hate against necromancers?
They are just trying to raise a family in peace.
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What do you call an orphan named Rose?
Self-raising flour
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What is the difference between an elevator and black people?
And elevator can raise kids
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What's the difference between a Mexican and an elevator?
An elevator can raise a family I'll just see myself out.
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How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.
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How much does Jesus love you?
Thiiiiiiis much. (Must be said while arms are raised out to side)
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How can you tell the difference between normal and self-raising flour?
One has parents
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What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar?
He raised Cain.
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What's the difference between an elevator and a black guy?
The elevator can raise a child.
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How many parents does it take to raise a homicidal maniac?
Two, then one, then none
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How do I raise my kids?
Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it
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What do vampires make sandwiches out of?
Self-raising dead.
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Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food?
He wanted to raised stewed beef!
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What did Redditor Jesus say to Lazarus?
I see your dead body and raise you back to life (NSFL)