Read Jokes

  • What's the difference between a baptist and a Presbyterian?

    A Presbyterian is a Baptist who can read

  • How do snowmen read their e-mails?

    With an icy-stare!

  • Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first ?

    Pupil: I want to know how it ends !

  • Why wouldn't the piglet's mother let her read romantic novels?

    She was afraid her daughter would run away with a wolf.

  • What did Plaxico Burress say when he read Colin Kaepernick's Tweets?

    Man, this guy just keeps shooting himself in the foot".

  • Why are so many Italians named Tony?

    Because when they immigrated from Italy, customs stuck a label on their lapel reading ToN.Y.

  • How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?

    Read the label.

  • How do you get a fool to read something?

    Mark it as NSFW

  • What did Helen Keller say after being handed a cheese grater?

    That's the worst book I ever read.

  • Why can't Sean Connery read November?

    Because he hasn't Read October.

  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...

    It's impossible to put down

  • What happened to wendy on her way to neverland?

    She peed her pants (read out loud)

  • What's the program jedi use to read pdf files?

    Adobe wan kenobi

  • What do cats read in the morning ?

    Mewspapers !

  • What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so?

    Curses, foiled again!"

  • What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

    Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

  • Why is the second traffic citation always easier to read?

    Because it's re-fined!

  • Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couplesfight and read high quality humor columns?

    To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

  • What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

    Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

  • Who needs whips and chains?

    Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

  • Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans?

    So people can read her lips.

  • What's the most frighting thing you can read in braille?

    Do not touch.

  • What's the worst thing to read in Braille?

    Don't touch this.

  • What did Christian Grey say when he read reviews of his movie?

    People did not like my movie. I guess I am 50 shades of letdown... But I can sure GET UP"!

  • What is cosmetics?

    ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

  • What do you say when you are trying to scare your girlfriend?

    Boo bae! (Read aloud please)

  • How did the Reddit user read his newspaper?

    ltORIGINAL> He Reddit

  • Who is the KKK's favorite children's character ?

    The White-Power Ranger I came up with this after reading a cracked article.

  • What's the difference between the jokes I read today, and the jokes I read last week?

    The posters

  • What do Chinos say when you take them off?

    This was incredibly clever when I first thought of it but then I did some research...the closest they get to being Italian is that George Clooney was a "pioneer" for them: Reading that makes me never want to wear them again.

  • Why were the proctologist's emails so hard to read?

    Too many colons.

  • Why does Reddit have so many reposts?

    Because you already read-it.

  • Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns?

    A: To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

  • Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?

    So you can read her lips!

  • How much would you say you read the Bible?

    Well, I don't read it religiously." Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.

  • Why couldn't Pikachu read his book?

    Because he was dyslectric.

  • Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?

    It reads "Small medium at large."

  • Why are so many racist jokes about black people?

    Because black people can't read. Duh. I'll show myself out.

  • How did a blind woman drive herself crazy?

    A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

  • What happened to the performer who read poetry to terminally ill patients?

    He suffered an elegiac reaction.

  • When she read the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?

    I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."

  • Why could the drunk man only move left?

    The officer hadn't read him his rights.

  • Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

    One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

  • What did they call the man who knew how to read maps?

    A legend

  • How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died?

    He read it in the Hobbituary.

  • What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes?

    A: None as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either.

  • Why would they add "twerk" to the dictionary?

    People that would use said word can't read.

  • What's black white and read all over?

    A: A newspaper.

  • Why didn't you obey that stop sign?

    Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

  • Why don't you put an advert in the paper?

    Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly he can't read!"

  • Why won't you read this joke?

    Cause you've already reddit!

  • Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

    Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

  • How did Helen Keller lose her arm?

    Trying to read the road signs!!!

  • What do you call Kim Jong-un reading a Stephen King novel?

    Fearless Reader

  • What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

    Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."

  • Who are some of the best readers in the world?

    World Trade Center workers, some of them can read 50 stories in just 8 seconds!

  • How do computers learn to read?

    C:/ Dos C:/ Dos Run Run Dos Run

  • What did Ray Charles say when they handed him a cheese grater?

    This is the most violent thing I've ever read.

  • What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

    They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

  • What does a Drake fan with AIDS get tattooed on his back?

    If you're reading this it's too late.

  • What do you call an Eastern European cashier?

    A Checkoutslovakian. (Better said than read)

  • How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

    It is when the blind try to read your face

  • Why did the man use deodorant to fix a broken window?

    He read that it was an invisible solid.

  • How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?

    You have to read ursine.

  • Why is reddit bad grammar?

    Because you can't read a dit.

  • Why is r/Jokes only text, and forbids external links?

    Because black people can't be offended if they're only reading jokes.

  • Why did Helen Keller stop cleaning her dishes?

    She was running out of things to read.

  • How do you know when someone's read the Game of Thrones books?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

    One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

  • Why do deaf women wear tight jeans?

    So you can read their lips.

  • What do I do after I die?

    Idk EDIT: Read the letters out loud :)

  • Why do the undead read cringe stories?

    Because they're already... DEAD INSIDE.

  • Why did reddit's admins go back to school?

    because they can't spell "read it".

  • What do blind trains read?


  • Why accountants don't read novels?

    Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

  • Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?

    A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

  • How many books can a blind man read?

    Brailly any!

  • What does a blind person read in church?

    Holy Braille

  • How's the ventriloquism going?

    ME: Not good. WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book. ME: I don't think he read it.

  • How many Carpathians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    I don't know, Vigo and see. (best read in Yanosh's voice)

  • Whats the most unlikely line to read in the bible ?

    The characters in this book are entirely fictional.

  • Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?

    It's not my fault I'm blind.

  • What is the scariest thing to read in braile?

    Do not touch"

  • Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL?

    Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

  • What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

    I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

  • Who Conquers All *obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice* What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

    When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

  • What did Helen Keller say when she picked up a cheese grater?

    That was the most violent book I've ever read..........

  • How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

    Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

  • What reads and lives in an apple ?

    A bookworm !

  • Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?

    A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

  • What do animals read in zoos?

    Gnus papers.

  • What's the best way for a lady to read 50 Shades of Grey?

    To flick through it as fast as possible.

  • How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it?

    Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

  • How often do lesbian gypsies get their hands read?

    Every 28 days or so.

  • Whoa. There are books on TAPE?

    Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

  • Why was 11 afraid of 12?

    Because 12 13 14!

  • Why do old people read the bible so much?

    I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

  • How many Carpathians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    I don't know, Vigo and see. (best read in Yanosh's voice)

  • What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood?

    50 Shades of Earl Grey

  • What is the motto of the French navy?

    To the water, it is time! Or in french... ... BWA HA HA HA. OK... I know this is kind a dad joke but.... yeah (for those don't speak French and thus don't get this, click the link and click the speaker to have it read to you ;) )

  • Why do they print nutritional information on Snickers bars?

    If you don't know candy is bad for you, what are the chances you can read

  • How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?

    They gave her a basketball and told her to read.

  • What is a double-blind study?

    Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

  • Why did the kidnapped clock always read 12:00?

    His hands were tied.

  • Why didn't Hellen Keller learn to lip-read?

    The braille left her lips numb.

  • What's a Michigander?

    A: An Ohioan who can read. Q: What's an Ohioan? A: A Kentuckian who can count. Q: What's a Kentuckian? A: A West Virginian with a branching family tree. Q: And who the hell are you to be making all these rude judgments? A: Trauma counselor for tour guides.

  • What do good dragons read when they are pregnant?

    How to Train Your Dragon. Good parenting, that is.

  • What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

    You should know, you've only read it twenty times.

  • Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes?

    The first knows how to read the second knows how to write and the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

  • What do mathematicians read for fun?


  • What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script?


  • What did the headlines read after the midget fortune-teller escaped from jail?

    Small medium at large.

  • How does a lawyer sleep?

    First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.

  • Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

    Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

  • How does a deaf Gynecologist communicate with his patients?

    He reads lips.

  • What book you reading there?

    Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker' CW:... Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

  • Why are Twitter jokes not as funny when you read them aloud to a friend?

    It's not like they had to be there...

  • What is the anthem for Scottish Engineers?

    A: "All the Single Laddies" Edit: Read it carefully

  • What do read heads get when they don't brush their teeth?

    Gingervitis Edit: redheads. I am a disgrace.

  • What do you call someone who knows all?

    Nostril-damus. &nbsp Works better if you read the joke out loud.

  • Why did I stop reading M.C Escher books on the bus?

    Because I always get weird stairs

  • When do e-mails stop being in black and white?

    When they are read.

  • Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?

    One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

  • What does a frog that can read say?


  • What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

    A: "What did you name the other one "

  • What did the mexican fire chief call his 2 sons?

    Hose A and hose B (read it out loud)

  • What do New York McDonald's employees and people who read Ulysses have in common?

    Liberal Arts Degrees.

  • What limitations does braille have? Can it represent everything that we read using the alphabet?

    Very limited fonts.

  • Why do liberals travel in threes?

    A: One to read one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

  • What kind of newspaper do cows read?

    The Moo York Times

  • Why can't Ray Charles read?

    Because he's black.

  • What are you reading ?

    Pupil : I dunno ! Teacher : But you're reading aloud ! Pupil : But I'm not listening !

  • What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?

    Waiter: Probably learning to read.

  • How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

    Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

  • What does a redditer say when he reads a joke on r/jokes?

    We saw that same joke two days ago

  • What did the blind man say when he picked up a cheese grater?

    This is the most violent story I've ever read!

  • How to you read a book?

    Just reddit.

  • How did Helen Keller break her arm?

    She broke it trying to read the road signs.

  • What kind of book did Frankenstein's monster like to read?

    One with a cemetery plot.

  • How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate?

    By reading street signs.

  • What will never be read in braille?

    Do not touch.

  • Why does your little brother jump up and down before taking his medicine?

    Boy: Because he read the label and it said 'shake well before using.'

  • What's the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille?

    Danger: Do not touch"

  • How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep?

    She reads them pig tales.

  • Who were the first people not to read the apple ToC?

    Adam and Eve

  • What book is better when you read it drunk?

    Tequila Mockingbird.

  • Where does Khal Drogo keep his DVDs?

    In Yeah you'd probably only get this if you read ASOIF but the joke came to me randomly.

  • How did Helen Keller break her hands?

    Reading road signs at 30 MPH

  • What do you do when you get into a fight with a group of clowns?

    Go for the juggler. This is my favorite joke that I have read on here.

  • What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?

    That was the most violent book I've ever read.

  • Why can not Stevie Wonder read?

    Because he's black.

  • How can you tell that truckers like nuts?

    They always have pecans! (Read aloud)

  • What does the torch represent in the hand of the Statue of Liberty?

    The torch is a symbol of her inability to read in the dark.

  • What newspaper do cows read?

    The Daily Moos.

  • What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

    when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

  • What is bronze?

    Read a book, you dummies.

  • Why did the blind driver have no hands?

    He was reading road signs at 50 miles per hour

  • When you ask her "Have you ever read Shakespeare?

    And she answers "No, who wrote it " .... Keep moving.

  • What do you call someone who can't stop reading Nancy Drew novels?

    A heroine addict.

  • What did the doctor do after he finished reading the book?

    He removed the appendix!

  • What do you call a family of redheads?

    Gingerbread. Edit: This is more of an out-loud joke. So, maybe it'll help if it read: "Ginger-bred" instead.

  • Why is Dave Mustaine described as "heavy metal"?

    Because he sings lead. (Better read than said.)

  • What's a cats favorite thing to read?

    A CATalog

  • How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much?

    Because they built their stuff with reads!

  • Who Wants to be a Millionaire messes up while reading the question?

    A Regis Error.

  • What 8 letter word is read the same way backwards and forwards?


  • What 2 books do white American boys enjoy reading on their way to school?

    The Catcher in the Rye and Cooking For Dummies.

  • Why does Calvin Harris like reading fairy tales?

    He loves a good happy ending

  • What do you call someone who reads in the sun?

    Well Red.

  • What did the Irishman text his Wife?

    Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

  • How did Helen Keller break her arms?

    She tried to read a road sign going 45mph

  • What's black and white and read all over?

    The newspaper.

  • Why are higher quality CD/DVD players white?

    Because they read.

  • What do you call a epileptic roman emperor?

    Just had a Seizure. (too those who dont get it read it out loud quickly)

  • How do you confuse Hellen Keller?

    Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.

  • How would you write do not touch in Braile?

    A. With copper wire and strong electric current. (read it in a shower thoughts thread)

  • How do you annoy a Worldnews redditor?

    Comment after reading the article.

  • What's the biggest lie of the Universe?

    I Have Read and Agree to the Terms of Service."

  • What do cows read at the breakfast table?

    The moospaper!

  • What do you call a deaf person who can't lip read?

    Anything you want!

  • What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and the newspaper?

    Lindsay Lohan never reads the newspaper in jail, but the newspaper always reads "Lindsay Lohan in jail"

  • How did a blind girl burn her fingers?

    A. Reading the waffle iron

  • What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?

    Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old. Here's my contribution. Have you head of the new drinking game? The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots. What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.

  • Why Is Reddit Called Reddit?

    Because you already read it.

  • How about a dirty one as well?

    Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath. With Bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? (Punchline hidden so you don't accidentally read)

  • Why was Joe disappointed when he read the newspaper in Washington?

    There were no jokes in the Post.

  • What did Stevie Wonder think when he got a cheese grater for christmas?

    That it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

  • What is Juan's favorite book to read?

    Tequila Mockingbird

  • How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

    A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

  • What are some good Asian jokes you know?

    I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.

  • Why couldn't the dimwit read more than one sentence?

    There was a full stop