Remember Jokes

  • What is the most effective way to remember your wifes birthday?

    Forget it once.

  • What's the difference between a hammer and a mallet?

    I don't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore.

  • How does someone with amnesia tell a joke?

    I don't remember.

  • How can you tell a dog from an elephant?

    The elephant remembers.

  • What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant ?

    An animal that tells you everything that it remembers !

  • Who remembers the 2016 presidential race?

    Nobody expected that late run from Gonzalez, did they?

  • What happens when you mix Jared from Subway and Bill Cosby?

    I don't know; It was too long ago, and I can't remember.

  • How does a composer remember which groceries to buy?

    She writes a Chopin Liszt.

  • What's joke #1?

    THIS IS NOT A JOKE I'm sure you all have heard the joke where has a number for each joke and that everyone just remembers the numbers instead for typing out the jokes. This always made me think "What would joke #1 be?" What do you think it'd be?

  • Why can't Abraham Lincoln remember the Gettysburg Address?

    Because he's dead.

  • What happens on the first date with Bill Cosby?

    I don't remember

  • What's a hard drive's favorite band?

    Data Remember

  • What's 12 inches long, stiff, full of sperm and can make a girl scream?

    The sock under my bed. (I don't remember where I heard it. Can't claim ownership.)

  • How do you remember your wedding anniversary?

    Forget it once.

  • Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

    A: So brunettes can remember them.

  • Why is it so difficult for people with breast cancer to remember things?

    They have bad mammaries.

  • Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

    Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

  • Which did you pick?

    ME: I can't remember.

  • What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

    when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

  • What do you call a thirsty cow?

    A watermeloin.. Don't worry, I remember where the door is.

  • How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?

    He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...

  • When my laptop asks "Are you sure?

    it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

  • What does Imperator Furiosa like to click when she logs into a website?

    REMEMBER ME!!!!!!!!!!

  • Why did the train go left?

    Cause it couldn't get on the right track. I made that joke when I was little and remembered it today, might as well post it.

  • What do Tempurpedic mattresses and raptors have in common?

    They remember"

  • Why do bees hum?

    Because they can't remember the lyrics

  • How do narcissists remember everything?

    They have a photogenic memory.

  • What happens when a woman can't remember her mastectomy?

    Mammary loss &nbsp I made this up myself!

  • What did you choose?

    Guy: I don't remember.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side?

    ah wait, i can't remember the rest :/

  • What's the difference between amnesia and alzheimers?

    I can't remember.

  • What is an out of date joke you still remember?

    One from the 90's: What do you call a little burro A Burrito. What do you call a little taco A Taquito What do you call a little judge A Judge Ito

  • What sort of a car has your dad got?

    I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas.

  • What's the difference between you and a naked ringneck?

    One's a plucked pheasant, and I don't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

  • Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?

    Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.

  • What do you call a bird who never remembers song lyrics?

    A hummingbird

  • What did you learn in kindergarten today?

    5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.

  • How does a black mother tell her children apart?

    She remembers them by their last names.

  • How many more times will I watch "A Walk To Remember" tonight?

    As Mandy Moore times as I want to.

  • How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he's been down?

    He keeps a log

  • What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?

    Get married on his birthday.

  • Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business?

    He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6.

  • What's it called when you remember a good meme?

    A Memento

  • How'd you get amnesia?

    4yo:.. Me:.. 4yo: I don't remember. Me: Well played..

  • Why do women forget if you call them beautiful 100 times but remember if you call them ugly once?

    Elephants have good memory

  • Who's there ! Amaso ! Amaso who ?

    Amaso sorry you don't remember me !

  • What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?

    Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes

  • Why do the elephants have short tails ?

    Because they can't remember long stories !

  • How'd you get that cut above your eye?

    Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"

  • Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock?

    I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!

  • What did gangster Pooh said to gangster Tigger?

    Tigga please!" Sorry, I heard it years ago. I don't remember where or when but I've just been saying alot lately. :p

  • What part does Woody Harrelson want to be remembered for most?

    Harrelson's woodie.

  • Why can't you be the king I know?

    The king you have inside you SIMBA: That doesn't make sense. I think I'd remember if I ate a king.

  • What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

    Me, when I remember to floss once a month. Edit: account got hacked and showed something different. Sorry about that

  • How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs. (I remember this from the 1970s when I was in middle school. It's one of my first dirty jokes)

  • What did the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants say when he couldn't remember why it was there?

    Arrrh, it's driving me nuts

  • What do old people with Alzheimer's often say?

    I don't remember.

  • Why do people with no arms have difficulty remembering?

    Because they can't put their finger on it.

  • What is the best anti-joke you know?

    Well a joke that isn't funny, but still is because it isn't. If you know what I mean. These are kind of much easier to remember.

  • Why are blonde jokes so short?

    So men can remember them!

  • What did Bruce Willis say to motivate his son?

    Son, if at first you don't succeed, Try Hard. If that doesn't work, Try Hard 2. If that still doesn't work, Try Hard with a Vengeance. Remember, you can't pick between the choice to Live Free or Try Hard. They go together. Everyday's A Good Day to Try Hard."

  • How do you get your stomach pumped?

    Swallow a speaker playing "Remember the Name"

  • What did the starfish say when it realized that it lost it's ability to regenerate limbs?

    I can't remember.

  • What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?

    Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.

  • What do you call a Mustard that keeps remembering things that haven't happened yet?

    dijon-vu mustard... (Sorry)

  • Whats th first joke you remember hearing or that you told as a kid?

    Mine is: What is the white stuff in bird poop? (That is also bird poop.) edit: til you can't edit the topic to fix spelling errors...

  • Why do they put cotton in the top of pill bottles?

    So black people remember they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.

  • What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary?

    Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember. Edit: Wording clarified (Thanks to therinnovator).

  • How could I forget, mate?

    At an Australian parliament meeting, two guys were shouting back and forth and one said: "I am a country member!" and the other said: "Oh, I remember!"

  • Why do elephants and stoners get along so well?

    uh.. I don't remember..

  • How do pianists remember which groceries to buy?

    They use a Chopin Liszt!

  • What is a Japanese favourite beverage that they don't remember?


  • What are the symptoms of amnesia?

    I can't remember

  • Why are blond jokes so short?

    So men can remember them.

  • How did God make Himself?

    I have to remember to start getting high before bedtime.