Reply Jokes
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How about an autograph mate?
Sure." He replied. So I signed a photo print of myself and gave it to him.
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What's he like?
asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, "Beer and women."
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What do you mean he's your half son?
What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.
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What would your parents say if I called them?
I replied, "Hello "
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How do you like your job testing push-up bras?
The other woman replies, "It has its perks."
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When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?
She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."
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Which side is it best to lie on?
she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.
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What do you want?
The beam replies: "Oh, just give me a moment."
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Where I should put my pants?
He replied "Over there next to mine."
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When my girlfriend asks "mom, what are you doing!?
I reply "Taxes."
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When someone says "It is what it is," I reply, "Isn't it?
so we can both sound useless.
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What's with those clogs you keep wearing?
I replied, "Wooden shoe like to know."
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What makes fish smell?
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."
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How do I get to 280?
A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"
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Whats with the wheel on your john?
the pirate replied, "Arrg it's driving me nuts!"
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Which doctor?
I replied "No, a medical one."
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What are we going to do?
The other replied "Quick turn the car into a side street."
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Whatever's the matter ?
asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'
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Where did you get that?
The pig replies, "I won her in a raffle."
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How do you get a woman to stop texting you?
Reply to her message within a minute
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What are we supposed to do about it?
Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."
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What blod type are you?
I replied "Typo".
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How will I ever find the right woman?
She replied "Forget finding the right woman, focus on being the right man."
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Why do you have a pear on your head?
He replies, "It's not a peach, it's a plum!"
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How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?
About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.
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When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
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Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?
A: The other replies "That was no piccolo that was my fife."
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What about over there?
she said. "I can't," I replied, "It says between 1 and 9 only." "Well, why is that stopping you " "I'm 23."
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What' chu want fam?
The Vietnamese person replies, "How do you know my name "
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How do you feel?
Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.
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What would be your reply?
Someone stops you in the middle of the road and asks you to tell him a good joke, What would be your reply?
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How high are you! ?
demanded the officer. "No Officer, it's "Hi, how are you "." replied the kid.
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What did the CPU say to the RAM?
Sorry to cache you out but I want the data closer. The RAM replied: you're right, "life" is too short.
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When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?
She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long
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How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
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When people say 'oh, you're still single?
I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married ' I'm popular.
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How long will the pizza be?
The waiter replies "About 12 inches."
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Who slept with my wife?
and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."
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What are we waiting for?
the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."
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What do you think you're doing?
the observant teacher asks. To which he replies... "writing an ese"
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When asked, 'Are you Twittering?
if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.
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How do those even fit in your pants?
He replied "They fit like a glove."
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What's a holocaust?
And I reply "Oh, about eleven million"
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How did you get here?
he asked. And the new angel replied "Flu..."
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What's your pleasure?
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
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What's this for?
He asked. "A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
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How much is a dozen bananas?
ampnbsp And the cashier replies:   -Twelve bananas
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Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied: The legs... Because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING!! XD
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Why is everything lying on the floor?
my mom asked Gravity, I replied.
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How much will that be?
asks the neutron. "For you " replies the bartender, "no charge."
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What should i do now?
to which the boss replies "We're out of shovels. Go lean on something else !"
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What products do I use for grooming?
She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook."
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Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?
Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."
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What can happen when a car breaks down?
A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."
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How much terroristen died zat dey?
Twelve The other replied : "Nein, Eleven."
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Which I replied, "Wanna know whats also the size of Australia?
Australia.
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What do you get when you spend all afternoon replying to your anonymous feedback on Corpell Anonymous Box?
Corpell tunnel syndrome
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What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?
The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."
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When she read the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
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How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?
The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".
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What did you find most attractive concerning Monica Lewinsky?
He replied, 'She had the prettiest smile I ever came across."
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Why is that, doc?
He replied, "I'm trying to examine you."
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What did the ninja say to the waiter when asked what to drink?
The ninja replies with "Wata!"
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How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?
He replied... ...It's hard
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Why did the hunter scold his blonde wife after she shot a moose over quota?
Cause when he asked her why she shot it, she replied: "I asked it what it was before I shot. But that cow wasn't gonna fool me!"
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How do you reply when someone on /r/askscience asks you on a date?
deleted
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What are you taking for it?
Man replies "Pollen"
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What's a ten-letter word meaning 'supplying nourishment'?
Sherlock replied, "Alimentary, my dear Watson."
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What are you doing there, rabbit?
Rabbit replies "This is a westinghouse, isn't it "
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Why so?
The light bulb replies, "I'm a light headed!"
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What's so funny?
asks the dermatologist. "Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.
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How do I do that?
he asked. "Carefully" replied the vet.
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Why must you question everything I say!?
Everything " I replied
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When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?
To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."
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What are my choices?
he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
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What width?
She replied: "with scissors of course."
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When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?
Not yet," she replied
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What does TTYL mean?
I replied, "Talk to you later". So she responded, "No! Talk to me now! What does it mean "
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Whatever shall we do?
Let us spray!" replied the other.
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How did Sherlock reply to Watson's inquiry, "Sherlock, where did you get all of these lemons?
A lemon tree, my dear Watson."
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How's your head?
Don't reply with "No man has ever complained."
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What have you been doing for it?
She replies, "Snorting pepper."
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Where's the soap?
Yes, it does." she replies.
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What did they Deer say when she came out of the woods?
Answer: "I will never do that again for 2 bucks " My reply: Ha Ha! :)
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What do you do for a living?
The engineer replies " I make chips" "Oh yummy!"
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Where did you get so many lemons?
Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
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What the hell is a steering wheel doing there?
the pirate replies: "Arr, it's been driving me nuts"
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What's the wheel for?
The pirate replies, "Arrr it's drivin me nuts!"
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What should I wear?
Mr. Salad asks. She replies, "It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed."
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Why are you rushin'?
Too which I replied "Because my grandpa is from Moscow." Duh..
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Where is the fire at?
The man replies: it's back there, I'm just going to get the water! (This is a true story, my uncle really said this)
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How good are you at PowerPoint?
I said, "I Excel at it." He replied, "Was that a Microsoft Office pun " I was like, "Word."
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Why did you do that?
I replied,"That's what you're supposed to do in soccer, right Kick balls "
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What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people?
Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.
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Why don't you play with your friends?
he asked. 'Because I only have one friend' the girl replied. 'And I hate her.'
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How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?
he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
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What are these clothes on the floor?
A dead Jedi" I replied
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How much for a drink?
The bartender replies, "For you No charge."
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What is your secret weapon against terrorists?
We simply reply......Chuck Norris
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What you got there?
Not sure", replies the fellow, "But you have got to try-a-lil'-bite!"
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When a hot blonde walks in. The one lawyer says, "Man, wouldn't you like to screw that?
and the other lawyer replies, "Outta what "
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Which kid is mine?
I like to reply "I haven't decided yet."
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How'd ya get that?
asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town " he asked. "So did I!" she said.
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Which one's yours?
I replied, "None of them... yet."
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When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked "Would you like a bag?
I replied "No, she's not that ugly"
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Why the long pause?
asks the bartender. The bear replies "Well, I am a bear"
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What about a nice cream pie?
She asked. "Except that." I replied.
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How much for a beer?
The bartender replies: "For you No charge."
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What's the best way to ward off ghosts?
To which I replied: "a camera."
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Why do old people read the bible so much?
I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"
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Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?
Same as now - in photos and mirrors," I replied
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What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?
Nothing wrapped in Emptiness. How did the birthday child respond? You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift. To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."
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Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?
but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!
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How can I buy the New York Times?
He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.
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How does the chef prepare the chicken?
The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"
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What I reply with when someone asks, "What'd the comment say?
Removed
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How much for 2 children?
She replied, "$9.50." "Awesome!" I said. "Do I get to choose or is it a lucky dip "
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Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?
I replied.
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What exactly is going on?
I asked. He replied, "A Major engineering feet."
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What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?
The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
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When asked "why?
he replied, "Tropical Depression."
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How many trains have you derailed to date?
I replied "It's hard to keep track."
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What's up, punk?
Nothing," he replied, "I've just never seen a man using hair rollers before."
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How's life?
she asked. "Oh same as usual" he replied "boring."
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How many have you derailed this year?
I replied, "I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track"
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Why, doc?
And the doctor replies, "Because I'm examining you!"
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What's your favourite priest and a rabbi joke?
Been awhile since I've her some priest and a rabbi jokes. Hit me with your best one! Mine: a priest and a rabbi are waking down the street The priest asks " wanna screw some kids?" The rabbi replies "out if what?"
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When did this start?
and the gentleman replies, "When did what start "
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What'll it be, love?
The woman replies, "I'll take a double entendre." So he gave it to her.
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How can you tell if she is virgin or not?
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.
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How's she getting on?
I replied, "I'm not sure, I think they use a crane."