Russia Jokes

  • Why did Edward miss his flight out of Russia?

    Because he was Snowden.

  • Why is NATO afraid of Russia?

    Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.

  • What does it take to make Mother Russia pregnant?

    A soviet seamen

  • Why didn't Russia return the NSA whistleblower to the United States?

    He was Snowden.

  • Why did Russia close all of its airports?

    The planes were stalin.

  • Why does Russia not celebrate Thanksgiving?

    Because they hate Turkey

  • What do call the President of Russia with an upset stomach?

    Vladimir Poopin

  • Who's the top selling author in Russia?

    Salman Rush B

  • What did the NSA say to Russia after the blizzard?

    We're Snowden!

  • How many Soviets does it take to change a light bulb?

    None! In Soviet Russia, light bulb changes you!

  • What is Justin Timberlake's favorite river in Russia?

    Crimea River

  • What does it take to be a president of Russia?

    Be a Viktor, then you are Devinitely In

  • What song did Russia send Ukraine for its birthday?

    Crimea a river

  • Why can't the NSA leaker leave Russia?

    Because he's Snow'd-in!

  • Why couldn't Germany win a world war?

    Because they'd Russia lot

  • How do you see countries neighboring Russia?

    Ukraine your neck.

  • What do you call an internet cafe in Russia?

    A cyberian cafe.

  • What do you call a creamsicle in Russia?

    A hammer and cream-sickle

  • Why couldn't Edward leave Russia?

    Because he was Snowden.

  • What was Carl Sagan really trying to say about the brain?

    In Soviet Russia, consciousness regulates the cerebral cortex.

  • Why does it smell so bad in Russia?

    Everybody loves Putin!

  • What do you call an NSA whistle-blower spending the winter in Russia?

    Edward Snowed-in

  • Why isn't Edward leaving Russia?

    because he's snowed in.

  • What was one thing Nicholas the 2nd of Russia not good at?


  • Why didn't The Cold War happen?

    Russia kept Stalin it

  • How is Alaska in the NE?

    They can see Russia.

  • Where does Russia get its water from?

    De-stalinization plants

  • What's the difference between Texas and Russia?

    One's a disgusting cesspool full of paranoid, bigoted, anti-American sadists, and the other is really cold.

  • Why did Russia lose the race?

    Because it was Stalin! (Sorry. Communist jokes aren't funny unless every gets them.)

  • Why can't Edward leave Russia this winter?

    He'll be Snowden.

  • Why does Poland stay from Germany?

    a couple decades ago they had a three way with Russia that ended poorly

  • What did Russia say to Ukraine after the conflict was over?

    Cry me a peninsula.

  • Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?

    Because he was Snowd en! (according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)

  • Why does Edward never leave Russia?

    He's always Snowden.

  • What do you call a journalist in Russia?

    An ambulance.

  • What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish ?

    Tsardines !

  • What does the president of Russia call his toilet?

    Vladimir's Poo Tin

  • Why shouldn't you get asylum in Russia?

    Cuz you'd be snowed-in

  • Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia?

    They were afraid of Stalin.

  • Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?

    Because he was Snow'den.

  • Why are they using two ply toilet paper in Russia?

    Because authorities want a carbon copy of all matters.

  • Why couldnt the NSA whistle blower leave russia?

    He was snowed in

  • Why didn't Ukraine go to war with Russia yet?

    They were Putin up with him.

  • Why is Russia a very fast country ?

    Because the people are always Russian !

  • How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. In Russia, light bulb changes you.

  • Why couldn't the NSA whistleblower leave Russia?

    He was snowed in.

  • How do you call a USB stick in Russia?

    A put-in

  • Where did Nicholas II of Russia get his coffee?


  • What's the current number one song in Russia?

    Crimea river

  • Who doesn't like Turkey?


  • What is Russia's favorite type of pasta?


  • Why can't Russia extradite US top-secret whistle-blowers?

    Because they're Snowden (snowed-in). To all the folks on the East coast, stay safe and warm.

  • Why are cars in Russia so slow?

    Because they are always stalin.

  • Why can't Edward leave Russia?

    He's Snowden.

  • Why Did The NSA Worker Have To Stay In Russia?

    He Was Snowed In(Snowden) )

  • Why are people so sore about Russia taking the Crimea?

    I mean cry me a river river right

  • Why did the US Informant get stuck in Russia?

    He was snowed-in.

  • How do they cook a turkey in Russia?

    They nuke it. OR In Soviet Russia, Turkey fires you!

  • What did the whistleblower say after the blizzard in Russia?

    I'm Snowden!

  • Why couldn't the ex-CIA agent leave Russia?

    Because he was Snowden

  • What did Russia say to Ukraine?

    Crimea River

  • Who fills in for the president of Russia when he's on leave?


  • How did Sarah Palin see Russia from her house?

    She didn't, it was just an Aleutian.

  • Why do most people from Russia wear track suits?

    Because they are Russin'

  • Why can't you have military coup in Russia?

    Because in Russia the military coups you.

  • Why is Edward Snowden stuck in Russia?

    Because he's snowed-in

  • What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia?


  • Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?

    Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!

  • Why doesn't Russia import water buffalo?

    Because they already have Moscow.

  • What would happen if Russia ran out of vodka?

    Well, my dear reddit, in nature there is law of conservation of matter. Therefore, if the vodka disappeared somewhere, it would appear somewhere else. And then there would be Russia.

  • Why is Edward still in Russia?

    He's Snowden.

  • Why couldn't the American leave Russia?

    He was snowden

  • Why are firetrucks red?

    You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always russian around.

  • Why is Edward Snowden still in Russia?

    The airport is Snowden

  • What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia?

    A puppy.

  • What does a neckbeard tip his fedora to in soviet russia?


  • What do chicken, beef and Russia have in common?

    They are all against Turkey

  • What is Russia's favorite imported product?


  • What is Russia's current Anthem?

    A. "Putin on the Blitz"

  • Why didn't Edward leave Russia?

    Cause he was snowden.

  • How did the Allies have time to prepare D-Day?

    Because Russia was Stalin