Russian Jokes
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What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast?
Head Russian...
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What's the similarity between video games and roulette?
Very fun until it goes Russian.
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What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his vodka to fast?
Stop "Russian"
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What do you call a Russian man with three testicles?
Mr. Whodyounickabollockov
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What's a Russian's favorite Italian dish?
Pepperoni Picza!
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What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
Electricity.
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Why is Putin Always early?
because hes Russian (rush-en)
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How did the man get stuck at the Russian airport?
He got snowden.
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What was the Russian mohel's name?
Borris Kutchyakockoff
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What do Russian women get from their husbands that's long and hard on their wedding night?
His last name.
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What room is it?
When you arrive at the international airport you are American. There is a room that changes your nationality. When you enter this room you are Russian, when you leave this room you are Finnish, and while inside European. What room is it?
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What do you call a fissure in the earth that houses old Russian rulers who like to mock others ironically?
Tsar-Chasm
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What are their nationalities?
Russian and Finnish!
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What do you call a russian tree?
Dimitree
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What kind of people are always in a damn hurry?
Russians
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What is a Russian man's favourite Justin Timberlake song?
Crimea River
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How do Russians in the taiga make fun of each other online?
bullying
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Why do Russians always wear track suits?
Because they are always RUSSIAN to places. thanks
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What do you call a russian bull?
a moscow
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Where do Russians stream movies from?
Nyetflix.
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What do you call a happy Russian?
Gladimir Putin!
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What happened to the Russians and Austrians at Austerlitz?
They got Napoleon Blownapart! Happy 200th Anniversary of Waterloo everyone!
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Why was WWI so short?
Because they were Russian... Why was WWII so long? They were Stalin...
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How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change?
Nyet long. He's always Russian.
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What is a hipster russian roulette?
You got six cookies and five of them is gluten free.
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Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?
Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!
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What will Russians be cooking for Thanksgiving...?
Turkey
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What's the difference between the US and Russian Presidents?
US presidents get shot while Russian presidents take shots.
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What's the most popular Russian streaming service?
Nyetflix
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How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. A: None the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
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What would you call a Russian invasion of Alaska?
Ice Krim(http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%D0%9A%D1%80%D1%8B%D0%BC)
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Why did the Soviets decide to be Russian?
Cuz they got tired of Stalin.
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Why did the Crimean run across the Street?
Because he was Russian
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How do the Russian people feel about their government?
They're Putin up with it.
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What do you call a secret agent running for the bus?
A Russian spy.
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What's the difference between a Russian Potato and a U.S. Potato?
The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.
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What did the computer say to the pirate?
Want to date hot Russians!
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What's the name of the Russian Bee Gees cover band?
KGBGs
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Why was the russian airforce less superior than their enemies?
Cause their airplanes kept STALIN!! (Ill see myself out...)
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Why do Russians love pho?
Because they're SO-VIET
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What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time?
Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III.
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Why did the chess master order a Russian bride?
He needed a Chech mate!
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What do Russians use to censor websites?
The Inter-nyet.
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What's an emo's favorite game?
Russian roulette, except with a full chamber.
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What does a whistle-blower do during a Russian blizzard?
Nothing, he's Snowden.
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What does a code-switching trilingual Russian say when he wants to increase his bovine supply?
Mas cow.
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Where do Russians get their milk from?
From moscow
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Why is everyone in the Soviet Union always in a hurry?
Why is everyone in the Soviet Union is always in a hurry? They're all Russian.
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How does a Russian count '1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi...'?
1 CCCP, 2 CCCP, 3 CCCP... Iwillseemyselfout
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Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?
One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
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What do you call a Russian airliner that goes down over Egypt?
Karma.
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What do you call a Russian on a golf course?
Vladimir Puttin'
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Which political discussions between the Russians and Americans keenly interest Burger Land citizens?
The SALT talks!
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What's a Russian's favorite food?
Vladimir Poutine
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What would Bill Cosby's name be if he was Russian?
Vladimir Puddin'
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What did the Russian woman say to her violent husband?
Vladislav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.
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What did the russian soldier say when he held his newborn sibling in his hands for the first time?
You're my brother in arms!"
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Why couldn't the Soviet Union get anything done?
They were always either Russian or Stalin.
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What's a Russian's favorite snack?
Chechen Nuggets
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Why was the chicken Russian?
To get to the other side.
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What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay?
Putin! Putin!
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Why was Edward stuck at the Russian airport?
Because he was Snowden.
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Why did the communists trip over?
Because they were Russian!
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What noise does a Russian Sheep make?
It Blyats.
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How do the Russians invade the Ukraine?
They rush in.
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Why are firetrucks red?
You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always russian around.
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What happens if Russians fall from an Afghan boat?
They sue Kabul Yacht.
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Why do Russian cars have such a bad rep?
Because they're always Stalin.
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What do you call a Russian cat that's been to space?
A cos-meow-naut.
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What do Russians call their barbers?
Combrade
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What's a russian's favorite golf club?
A putin wedge.
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How do Russians watch online movies?
Nyetflix!
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How Many Russians Does It Take To Invade Crimea?
None according to the Russians.
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What do you call a bad Russian pool player?
Skratchov
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What do you call it when Russians get diarrhea from drinking water in Mexico?
Trotsky's Revenge
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What happened when the Malaysian asked the Russian out on a date?
He got shot down.
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Why do most men hate Russian dolls?
Because they're so full of themselves.
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Why are people leaving the Ukraine?
I don't know but they sure are Russian.
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Who was saved?
The Russian people
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Why couldn't the NSA agent leave the Russian airport?
Because he got Snowden!
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What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?
I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.
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What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles?
Electricity.
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Why are Russians such bad pilots?
Because they're always Stalin. Thank you, good night.
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What do you call a Russian, homophobic, golfer?
Vladimir Putting
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What happens when you wear radioactive Russian underpants?
Cher nob'll fall out.
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How do Russian sprinters train?
They put a bottle of vodka 100 meters away from them.
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What do you call a Russian with Tourette's syndrome?
Yukanol Fukov
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What is it with Russians and their track suits?
Because back in Soviet day, suit track you.
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What does the Russian President enjoy having on his fries?
Putine...
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Why should you never buy Russian jeans?
Chernobyl fallout
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How can you tell which Russian olympic spectators are actually KGB agents?
The ones with food.
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Why did the dyslexic, Russian astronomer hate the revolution?
He was following the Tsar.
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What do you call a Russian barber?
A Brussian. I'll see myself out.
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Why do Russians have so many bear fighting stories?
Because their liquor is strong and their women are hairy.
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What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?
Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... I'm sorry..
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What are Russian clothes always made out of?
Lenin.
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What do you call a Russian with three testicles?
Hudyanika Bolokov
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Why did the Russians send a dog to space to die?
Because they didn't Lajka.
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What do you call a Russian with 3 balls?
Whodyanik Abolokof
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What's the russian royalty's favorite type of fish?
Czar-dines!
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Why did the Russian man get food poisoning?
Because NE-coli.
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What did the cop say to Boris Yosanavich after pulling him over for speeding?
Quit Russian.
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How does a Russian catch fish?
A niet!
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What do you call a Russian sovereign with dwarfism and a taste for both men and women?
A little bizar
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Where do you send bad Russian cows?
The Moolag
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Where do the Russian separatists go to complain about their lives?
Crimea River
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What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?
Putin on the Ritz
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Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?
Because he was a cagey bee agent.
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What's the best language to describe the hectic holiday shopping season?
A: Russian
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Where does a russian bird sleep?
IN A COMMU-NEST
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What do you get when you cross the Italian mafia with the Russian mafia?
Thrown in a lake.
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How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. In Russia, light bulb changes you.
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How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick?
cause their cars are always Stalin
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What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?
Putin on the Ritz.
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What do you call a cow in a Russian forest?
A moss-cow. Alternative answer: dead.
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Why did the man get kicked out of the "Russian" bar?
Because he walked in.
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How do you get out of a Russian prison?
You have Vladmir Putin a word for you.
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What's the Russian word for Internet outage?
Internjet
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What is the difference between Russian Optimist Pessimist and Realist?
An Optimist learns German. A Pessimist learns Chinese. A Realist learns AK-47.
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Why wasn't Vladimir late?
He was Russian.
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What is Polish roulette?
It's similar to Russian roulette, but instead of a revolver it's played with an automatic pistol.
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What do you call 2 White Russians and a Jager bomb?
A Boston Marathon.
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What's a Russian's favorite service provider?
Sprint.
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Why is Vladimir Putin always Russian?
Because he's never Finnish.
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What nationality are Sprinters?
They Russian. I'll also see myself out.
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Why Russians never drive stick shift?
They really hate Stalin
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Where does a 19th century Russian imperialist get his coffee?
Tsarbucks.
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Why did the Russians lose the space race?
Their rocket kept Stalin!
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How many Russians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to shoot him if he does it wrong.
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What do you call a sick russian?
A sicka blyat
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How can you tell what rank a Russian soldier is?
Count the stripes on his track pants.
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What kind of name is Joaquin?
It's not Russian
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What do you call a bolshevik in a hurry?
A rushin' russian.
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What's a Russian leader's favorite food?
Vladimir Poutine.
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What did russian judge say to the jury?
I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.
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What is the name of your Russian coworker you see the next day?
C. U. Tomorov
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How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving?
He's Russian to Turkey.
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How do Russians put windows in?
Putin Windows duh.
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What does the bride of a Russian man get on her wedding night that's long and hard?
A new last name.
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What's the Russian word for water?
Vodka
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What do the Russians use to film their war with Isis?
Daeshcams
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Which Russian leader is always farting?
Putin
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Why shouldn't you wear Russian underwear?
Because Chernobyl fall-out.
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What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen?
A Moss-cow
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Why did the cosmonaut forget to pack extra underwear?
Because he was Russian.
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Why do Russians celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January?
Cause eight reindeer and a sleigh are a lot quicker than 6 pigs and a stoneboat.
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How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and other to drink until the room spins.
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Why is Russian the most dangerous language to learn?
Because it's Russki.
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What did Russians use for light before candles?
Light bulbs
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Why do Russians like pho so much?
BECAUSE THEIR SO VIET :3
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Whats the difference between a Russian garbanzo bean and a Russian chickpea?
A president has never been blackmailed into treason over a video of him paying to have a Russian garbanzo bean on his face.
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What to you call a Russian flea ?
A Moscow-ito !
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Why is Russia a very fast country ?
Because the people are always Russian !
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Why did the American spend an entire winter in a Russian hotel?
They say he was snowed in.
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Why do Russians love Pho so much?
Because they're so...viet.
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What did the Russian man say to the boy after he did nice for someone?
That was *Cher-i-nobyl* of you
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How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate?
By reading street signs.
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Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
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How can you spot the rank of a Russian?
By the stripes on his Adidas jumpsuit.
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What's the difference between a camel and a Russian?
A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking.
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Why did Putin forget his backpack at home when leaving for school?
He was Russian.
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What do you call an apathetic Russian?
A So-be-it.
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Why are Russians so heartless?
Because organ traders offer good price.
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Why is Quicksilver so fast?
Because he's Russian
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What do you call a Russian bovine made out of small flowerless plants?
A moss-cow
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Why do Russians go crazy over pho?
Because... they are so viet *ba dum tss*
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What do you call Russian trees?
Dimitrees
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What do you call a Russian ninja?
Shneakoff ( I apologise, this is my first ever post so I'm using that as my excuse)
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How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
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What is the most painful Russian dance?
Tchaikovsky's .
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What did the Russian athlete say when he was stung by a mosquito during the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro?
zika blyat
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How do you get 30 drunk Russians out of the pool?
Put 30 crates of vodka near the pool
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What does a Russian burglar wear?
In a Russian accent ) robber boots
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What do you call a Russian wearing a head scarf, a balaclava and a helmet?
Anything you want. He can't hear a thing.
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Why did the Russian man keep making excuses?
He was just stalin for time
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What do you call a weird Russian?
Off-Putin.
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How do Russians drive to Alaska?
By bearing straight
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What does a Russian use to wipe their mouth?
a soviet
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What did Vladimir name his member?
Put-in. (In a Russian accent)
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What's a suicidal Russian's favorite drink?
Cyka bleach
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Why did Tim Tebow's mom protest against the Russian soup truck?
It contained a borscht ton.
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What's the difference between a Twitter post and a Russian Novel?
A Twitter post is limited to 140 characters
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What would LMFAO's hit song be called if they were Russian?
I'm Slavic and I know it"
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How does a Russian bomb explode?
Kaboomshki
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What's the Russian President's favorite song?
Putin on the Ritz!" I'll be here all week guys.
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Why are the Soviets Russian?
Because there's no Stalin.