Santa Jokes
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What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?
6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
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What's the difference between Santa and a black man?
Santa stops after the third Ho
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What's the difference between Santa and a pimp ?
Santa has just 3 Ho's...
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Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?
They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.
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Why does santa say ho ho ho?
Because three hos are better than one!
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Where does Santa stash his money?
In a snowbank.
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What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when he's not spending enough time with her?
You're getting too wrapped up in your work!
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How do you know when Santa's in the room?
You can sense his presents.
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Who did the Dyslexic Devil Worshipper sell his soul to?
Santa
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What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
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What do you call children who are afraid of Santa ?
They are Clausaphobic
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What does Santa call the elf police?
The Po Po Po.
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Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?
Because it's on the house.
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Why does Santa have 3 houses?
One for each of his hoes.
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Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
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What do Nicki Minaj and Santa have in common?
Hoe, hoe, hoe.
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What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic
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What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa getting stuck in their chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
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What does Santa teach his elves?
The Elfabet!
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What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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What do Santa's little helpers learn in school?
The Elfabet!
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What do Santa and Jared from Subway have in common?
They both leave kids rooms with an empty sack
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What did Santa say when he had to travel through the desert?
My chestnuts are roasting"
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Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas?
Elf and safety
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Why is Santa always jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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Why was Santa in the asylum?
He lost his SANTAty
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What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?
Some people actually believe santa exist.
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What religion is Santa?
He's egg-nog-stic
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How does Santa make new baby reindeer?
In vitro, in Prancer, in Dancer, in Vixen.
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What's The Difference Between Santa and a Muslim?
Santa will be able to enter the united states next year!
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What does santa do with a lazy reindeer?
Sleighs 'em
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What's Santas favorite band?
Sleigher.
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What do you call a child who doesn't believe in Santa?
An eggnogstic
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What is the biggest difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa stops at three Ho's
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Why does Santa give better presents to rich kids?
Because poor kids have behavioural problems! *rimshot*
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How will Santa get in?
Me: Probably through my credit card. 5: what Me: what
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Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
Rude"olph
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What's the difference between Santa and Justin Beiber?
Santa stops at 3 Ho's
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What does Santa call it when Mrs. Claus gives him road head?
Getting sleighed.
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What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!
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What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A: A dependent Claus.
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What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Santa stops after three ho's.
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What does Santa and Hackers have in common?
They both steal cookies )
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What's the difference between a man-whore and Santa Claus?
Santa stops after three "hoes"
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Why is Santa always happy?
Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)
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What did the racist ask Santa for?
A white Christmas.
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What's Santa's favourite metal band?
Sleigher.
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What's the difference between Santa Claus and A Black Rapper?
Santa stops after three hoes.
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What ethnicity is Santa?
North Poleish
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What happened when Santa cut his beard?
The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC
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Why is Santa so jolly?
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Happy Holidays Fun!
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What did Santa say when he went to a brothel?
Hoe hoe hoe!
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How do you know that Santa is a man?
No woman wears the same attire every year.
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What do you get when you cross Groot with Santa?
A Giving Christmas Tree
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What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Santa stops at 3 ho's
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What do you call Santa without toys?
A lost Clause
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Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?
Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.
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What's Santa's favorite snack?
A crisp Pringle
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Why did Santa want a divorce?
His wife made sure he only came once a year.
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What happens when Santa get stuck in a chimney?
He gets claustrophobic!
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How about Santa?
Ok but let's add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
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What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?
Looks like rein dear"
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What body regulates the welfare of Santa's workers?
The Elf and Saftey Executive.
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What's the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops at 3 ho's.
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Why does Santa have a garden?
So he can hoe-hoe-hoe!
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What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops after 3 Ho's
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Why was Santa's little helper sad?
Because he had low ELFesteem
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What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?
They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.
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What did the dyslexic Satanist do?
He sold his soul to Santa.
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What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?
Sleigher
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What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands?
new gloves for the cold days
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Where does Santa go on vacation?
North Pole-land
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What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold.
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Why did Santa divorce Mrs Clause?
because he only came once a year
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Why did Santa bring his sack with him when starring in the pantomime?
He wanted to have some stage presents.
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Who corrects Santa's grammar?
A subordinate Clause.
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Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back?
The mall is hiring new Santas.
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What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
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What's red and goes "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?
Santa walking backwards.
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What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
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Where did Santa meet his wife?
Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses
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What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop?
WRAP MUSIC!
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Why was Missis Claus mad last night?
A: Santa came early
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What does Santa do to dragons?
He "sleighs" them.
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What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops at three Hos.
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What is another name for Santa's elves?
Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas everyone.
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What did Santa say at the brothel?
Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!
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What did the horse say to Santa?
Nothing, horses can not speak.
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Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled?
Because they have a claus in their contract.
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What will santa bring your fish this christmas?
A scale letrix!
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Why doesn't Santa give gifts to naughty kids?
Because it'd Krampus style.
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Why is Santa such a jolly old elf?
He knows where the naughty girls live.
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Whats the odd one out ?
The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.
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Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
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What do you want for Christmas?
Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend
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What do Pimps and Santa have in common?
They stay with 3 ho's
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What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
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How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.
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What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents?
Slayer.
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How did the urologist ruin his Christmas?
OC He looked inside Santa's sack.
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What did Santa give the blind, autistic, paraplegic kid with down syndrome for Christmas?
Cancer.
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Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.
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What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?
A lost clause.
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What does Santa listen to while delivering presents?
sleigh-er
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What does Santa say to the elves after they make the toys?
Leave my presents
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What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic!
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What is Santas motto?
Wrap your package before you shove it down the chimney.
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What would santa be if he was a farmer?
A jolly rancher.
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What does Santa say when he goes fox hunting?
A: Tally hohoho!
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Where does Santa keep his nuts?
In his nutsack...
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What does a black Santa say?
Hoe, hoe, hoe.
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Why is santa always so happy?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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What do you call a child afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic
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What do you call a lobster dressed up as Santa?
Santa Claws
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Why did the blond slap Santa?
He kept saying "Ho Ho Ho" *dum roll - rim slap*
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Why can't Santa play in the NBA?
He has a no-trade Claus
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Why do Santas elves take forever to finish making toys?
Because they are always a little behind
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What drink does Santa give to naughty children?
Coala
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Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops at 3 Ho's (sorry if it's a re-post)
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Who sings "Love me tender" and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis.
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What did the reindeer wear to protect itself while Santa was watering the garden?
Rudolph's red hose rain gear...
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Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can "hoe, hoe, hoe."
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Why does Santa go down the chimney?
Because it **soots** him. Credit: Curious: The Tourist Guide
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What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause?
With Santa it is only three hoes and he's done.
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What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?
HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!
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What is Santa saying to Mrs. Claus right now?
I told you it would rain, dear.
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How is Santa able to carry so many presents at once?
Santa isn't real.
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What do you call one of Santa's helpers who bosses around the reindeer?
When he found out, Santa shouldn't have gotten mad, he only had his elf to blame. Now Santa won't forgive him until elf freezes over.
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What do you call Santa's wife?
Mrs Claus. I'll see myself out.
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Why did it rain on Christmas Eve?
Because of Santa and his Raindeer.
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What's the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter?
Santa would never free an elf.
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What's the most messed up trap for Santa?
A Nicolas Cage.
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How did the blind man know Santa was in his house?
He felt his presents.
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Whats the point of calling it "secret Santa"?
Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
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Who picks it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.
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What's another name for Santa's elves?
Subordinate Clauses
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What goes HO HO HO thud?
Santa laughing his head off. What goes HO HO HO A Pimp taking inventory.
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What is the difference... What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops at three hoes.
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What did the dyslexic person worship?
Santa.
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What do you call some who is afraid of Santa?
Clausetrophobic. I'm here all week.
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Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig?
Pigs don't have red noses.
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What is Santa's favorite music?
Wrap! (I came up with this when i was 8.)
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What goes "oh oh oh"?
Santa walking backwards.
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Why was Mrs. Clause's stocking full on December 21st?
Because Santa came early this year.
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What is Santa's favorite band?
Slayer.
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What is Santa's favorite type of cookie?
Ask your dad.
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What did Santa get the day after Christmas?
Diabetes
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Why don't you see Santa for the rest of the year?
Because for the rest of the year he's in prison for breaking into people's houses.
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Why does Santa have such a beautiful garden?
He is always Hoe-hoe-hoeing.
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What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone sack time!!
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Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed?
because Santa came early! I'll let myself out.
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Where does Santa get presents for bad kids?
Kohl's.
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What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues. Credit: Curious: The Tourist's Guide
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What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa knows to stop after three Ho's.
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What does Santa call his English Elves?
Subordinate clauses. ... I'll see myself out.
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Why didn't Santa give presents to any world leaders?
Because he thinks they're part of the illumi-naughty
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Where does Santa's stripper mom work?
The North Pole
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What do you call one of Santa's helpers?
A subordinate clause