Second Jokes
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What's three times worse than OCD?
OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait the last time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait, the second time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait...
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What do you call it when you second guess your decision to book a stay at a Native American resort?
A reservation reservation reservation. Credit to Brian Regan, this is my favorite joke of his!
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What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?
A flat minor.
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Who is that walking up my driveway?
Anxiety in 3...2...1... knock, knock *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."
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Why is Dubya voting Republican this year?
So he'll only be the second worst president ever.
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Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.
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How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?
30 because that's peasants work.
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What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
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How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?
Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets
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Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts?
Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.
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What did the first airplane engine say to the second airplane engine?
Are we there soon?" "Not jet."
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What are the similarities between a US handgun and a Feminist?
30 of them are triggered every second
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What was Dr Frankenstein's second job?
He was a body-builder
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Why isn't Bernie Sanders campaigning in OKC?
They're both eliminated and finished second in their conference.
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How was the movie?
Brian: A real turkey. I could hardly sit through it the second time!
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What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind?
Second Caribou: A maybee.
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What do the racehorse that finished in second and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both came in a little behind.
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What do you call a cow that can go 3000 feet per second?
A bull-ette.
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Why is the second traffic citation always easier to read?
Because it's re-fined!
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How many seconds are there in a year?
Twelve
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What is a Muslim womans favorite amendment?
The second (right to bare arms)
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What are the three rings of marriage?
The first one is the engagement ring...the second one is the wedding ring...and the third one is the suffering.
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What does a pirate get when he walks into a second-hand shop?
Disappointed.
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What's the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting out of the bed!
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What's Captain Hook's favourite kind of shop?
The second hand shop.
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What do a marriage and superglue have in common?
They both form a bond in seconds, last (ideally) forever, and are dissolved by alcohol.
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What is Josh Duggar's second favorite dating website after Ashley-Madison?
Ancestry.com
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Which bug gobbles up trash?
Second Caribou: The litterbug.
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What is 10 years with me?
Wife:What is 10 years with me Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second
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Why does pokemon have only one save file per game?
I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)
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Who succeeded the first President of the USA ?
The second one !
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What does Michael Jackson have in common with a second place racehorse?
They both came in a little behind.
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Who came in first?
The over easy egg because it was really runny. How about second The over medium egg because it was only a little runny. And last That would be the baked egg.
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Why Did The Man With One Hand Go To The Shopping Centre?
To go to the second hand shop
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What do you call the second-most hated politician in America?
Madam President.
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When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?
She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."
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What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?
Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)
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What do you call the first migrant off the boat?
Amhere What do you call the second migrant off the boat Amhere Azwel What do you call the third migrant off the boat Amhere Azwell Azhim
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What well-known cartoon character do moths like a hole lot?
Second Caribou: Micky Moth!
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What did he name the second one?
Hose B
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What did Orion receive when he won second place in the archery contest?
The constellation prize.
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What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny God: Just a second.
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What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere. What do you call the second Afghan off the boat? Amhere Azwel. What do you call the third Afghan off the boat? Amhere Azwell Azhim. :)
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When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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Why are you wearing such a large shirt?
Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
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What is red... And smells like green paint?
Red paint! Whats green, and smells like red paint Green paint :) Can't believe how many time I switch to the second, and they don't get it!
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Which 2 Birthdays go by the quickest?
the twenty second ones and the thirty second ones
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What's the difference between eugenics and a charity marathon?
The second one's a race for the cure. Shamelessely stolen from .
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What did the second guesser with no self esteem say to Reddit?
edit: nevermind...
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How did the Catholic Priest finish the marathon?
He was second to Nun.
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What takes longer to run, first to second, or second to third?
Second to third, because there's a short stop in the middle!
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Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?
It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear
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Why did the monkey fall of the tree?
Why did the second monkey fall off the tree? Why did the third monkey fall of the tree? Peer pressure.
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What did the first lesbian vampire say to the second lesbian vampire?
See you next month.
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Why are 490 Romans are funny ?
Because XD Edit : Sorry about the typo the second are is not supposed to be here
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What do you call the vehicle used to carry Henry VIII's second wife to the hospital?
An Anne-Boleyn-ce.
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What 3 books would you have on a desert island?
ME: My first book is more books. F: What These aren't wish M: Second book's a TV.
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What did the white high school dropout get for his birthday?
A legacy scholarship for his second choice school
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What is Tigger's favorite day?
Leap Day, but Spring Forward is a close second.
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What do you call a second grader with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor
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What is the best place to hide a dead body?
On the second page of google.
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Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds.
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What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin?
She quits counting.
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What did the man who ate a clock say?
That was time consuming but I still want seconds.
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Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: "second base"
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What do a priest and a swimmer who came in second have in common?
The both came in a little behind
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Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus?
She heard about his second coming
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What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99?
You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday.
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What's the proper way to pronounce Mormon?
The second m is silent.
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How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Er two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts make that two. Is that okay with you
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Why should you separate something into 62 parts if you want to make it tiny?
Because sixty-seconds=minute.
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Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?
Because it was More ER Tea.
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Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break.
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What do you call it if you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community?
That's a reservation reservation reservation. (Credit to Brian Regan)
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Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes?
The first knows how to read the second knows how to write and the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
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How many kids do you think Wolverine has?
Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn't look like he'd wear a rubber or pull out.
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Why are we running so fast?
asked one. "Because" said the second "it says 'tear along the dotted line'!"
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What's the second fastest thing in the world?
What's fastest thing in the world?
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When one gun says to the other, "Damn dude, those are some nice bullets, where'd you get them?
the second gun says, "In some old magazine I found."
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How'd the monkey fall out of the tree. He was dead. How'd the next second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first monkey! How'd the Third monkey fall out of the tree. Peer Pressure.
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What do you call a second hand gold necklace?
Recyc-bling (I'm pretty sure I thought of this myself but I used to smoke the Mary Jane a lot so......)
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How many seconds are in a year?
Only 12. One for every month.
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What do you call it when you build a second portal on minecraft?
Anether(another) Nether
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What kind of math do owls like?
Second Caribou: Owlgebra.
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What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight?
A: Don't look I'm changing!!
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What do you have when you are having second thoughts about your booking on Native American land?
Reservation reservation reservations.
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Which is the worst hand to lose?
The second one.
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Who will take the second shot in this pool game?
Find out after the break.
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What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What is your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.
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Why are Catholics the worst drivers?
They always pull out at the last second (usually to avoid a child).
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Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to get it 95% done, and the second to give it the twist at the end.
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What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
The second one.
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What did Michael Phelps say after the Mens 200m?
I would've gotten second if it weren't for you medaling kids.
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What is your reason for divorce?
She pronounces 'Kansas' like the second part of 'Arkansas'
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How do you trap an elephant?
You first dig a hole, second, you fill the hole with ashes, also throw some peas in there. When the elephant stops to take a pea, you kick it in the ash hole.
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What's worse?
Receiving a text from your girlfriend saying that you're breaking up or receiving a second text after saying that it was supposed to be for someone else
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What's Gordon Ramsey's second favorite movie?
FROZE-- oh, nevermind.
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Why didn't rail Castro want to be President of Cuba?
He didn't want to play second fidel
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What's the fastest animal in the world?
A chicken crossing Ethiopia. What's the second fastest animal ... The ethiopian chasing it.
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How did the hour and minute hands of the clock get cancer?
Second hand smoking! My own joke that I've been meaning to put up for a while. Time to see how it goes haha.
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What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
The first is a super hero, the second is a simple command.
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What is a joke that only makes sense in your own regional dialect/accent?
Sorry for a post that's not a joke but I'm interested. Here's one from where I am. These two ducks are flying over Ballymena. The first one says, "quack quack" and the second one says, "slow down! I'm coming as quack as I cyan."
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What's a cat's second favorite food?
A: Spa-catti!
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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The second telephone.
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Two guys walk into a bar . . .
The first guy says "Ouch!" and the second says "Yeah, I didn't see it either."
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What is the difference between me and being artistic?
The second letter.
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What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds ?
An elephant with hiccups !
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What's better than getting second place at the special Olympics?
Not being retarded
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Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was drunk Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first one Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer Pressure
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What do clocks do when they're still hungry after a meal?
They go back four seconds.
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What did the teenage boy who was jerking off in his room say when his mother called?
One second mom, I'm coming!
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Which President had the shortest term?
Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.
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What do a Catholic Priest and second place have in common?
They both came in a little behind.
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What, over in ten seconds?
Girl: "No, eight black men and a gun."
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How many seconds are in a year?
12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc
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What is the climax to a telephone receptionist who is on cocaine ?
A second line
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What do you call a bunch of liberals protesting the second amendment?
Triggered
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Why couldn't the police arrest the robber on the second floor?
Because he took the stairs.
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What did the fly say to the second man on the moon?
Buzz.....
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Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
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Why is Italy's birth rate decreasing?
Because they pull out at the last second.
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Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
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What did the big hairy monster do when he lost a hand?
He went to the second-hand shop.
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Why is your brother always flying off the handle ?
Second Boy: Because he's got a screw loose !
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How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
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Why did the kid fall out of the tree?
I shot him Why did the second kid fall out I stapled them together Why did the third kid fall out Peer pressure
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Which cat made it across?
The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.
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How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to do it, a second to keep yelling, "You're lookin' BIG, man!"
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What do you call a man with a flamethrower?
2. What do you call his first victim 3. What do you call his second victim 1. Bernie 2. Crispin 3. Ash
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What is the difference between a feminist and a machist?
The second lacks the hypocrisy of the first.
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Who is second in command in the kitchen at a Native American owned restaurant?
The Sioux chef
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What did the first stop light say to the second stop light?
Don't look I'm changing
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Why do women love Jordan Spieth?
Because he came second.
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What is a Catholic priest's dream second job?
Warden at juvenile detention center.
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What do you need to teach a blonde who never had an accident in 20 years?
Second gear.
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How do we know Jesus was a man?
We've had to wait 2,000 years for his second coming.
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How many seconds are there in one year?
12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
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What's the difference between a good joke and a woman?
The good joke doesn't get a black eye when you tell it a second time.
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Who is the coolest guy in the Hospital?
A. The Ultra Sound guy. Q. Who is the second coolest? A. The Hip replacement dude.
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Why do procrastinators live the longest?
Because they die at the last second.
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What did the Mexican Plumber call his second son?
Hose B
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What's the reason my shower isn't working?
You have only one second to guess the answer. No pressure.
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Where is your mother from?
The second Eskimo says "Alaska."
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What's white and sticky?
What's white and sticky and hangs from the clouds . The second coming of the Lord
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What happens when you get more than you payed for with a Mexican Gigolo?
The second coming of Jess.
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How many seconds are there in a day in Africa?
Seconds? They barely get firsts!
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How do you know your boyfriend loves you?
SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and kisses.
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What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?
Second fella says "A kilt of course!" First fella "What's the tartin " "She's wearing white" says his pal
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How did the clock get cancer?
Second-hand smoke!
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How long does it take for a Homeless man's stomach to be full?
A couple of seconds.
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How many redditors does it take to make a good joke?
Three. One to post it, the second to post a better punchline in the comments, and the third to complain that it's a repost.
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What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?
Two fingers.
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Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on the new Top Gear?
It doesn't make sense, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear
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Why is the ulna the second funniest bone in our skeleton?
It's near-humerus.
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Who do you sell second hand bikes to?
A re-cyclist.
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How long does a dog's bark last?
ly a second.