Share Jokes

  • What's the difference between the east-german and the west-german accent?

    While the former is shared by most, the latter is richer.

  • What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?

    Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)

  • How selfish am I?

    Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

  • How many cops do you need to change a light bulb?

    None. They just shoot the room for being black. Credit: donator on some stream said the joke and just wanted to share it.

  • Why didn't the shrimp share his food?

    He was a little shellfish

  • What's the difference between a school of children and a terrorist camp?

    I don't know, I just fly the drone Edit/apology: My friend said this to me, I thought I should share with you all, he said that I could post it here. 5 minutes later he told me he found it on reddit.... I'm sorry all.

  • What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?

    Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P

  • Why did the crab hate to share?

    He was a little shellfish.

  • What did Jesus say while he was getting crucified?

    A: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (feel free to share yours)

  • What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?

    A Guantanamo Bae Thought of this one earlier and just had to share

  • What do you call a Pirate you share an apartment with?

    Your room-matey.

  • What thought can you easily share with someone else without using words?

    That you to fart.

  • Who will I share the sunset with now?

    sobs* Friend: Bad breakup Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.

  • Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch hillbilly criminals?

    Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.

  • How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

    When the old one expects you to "do your share"

  • What do you call two witches who share a room?


  • Why didn't the baby oyster share her little pearl?

    She was a little shellfish.

  • How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

  • What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?


  • What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall?

    Damn! (This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)

  • What do giraffes and humans share the same number of?


  • How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries?

    Because I'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar.

  • Why don't lobsters ever share anything?

    Because they're shellfish

  • What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common?

    They share the same middle name.

  • Why are millionaires bad at swimming?

    Because they drown at their own wealth Edit: I got down voted :( I thought of that in my head and just wanted to share it

  • What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

    Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

  • Why is Sigma good at sharing?

    Because he only ever takes sum of the numbers!

  • Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

    Because Missouri loves company

  • Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?

    ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.

  • Why didn't the clam share his ipod?

    He was shellfish.

  • What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm?

    Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.

  • Why didn't crab and lobster like to share?

    They were both two shellfish

  • Why don't u share a bed?

    cried Baby Bear.

  • What does a sandwich filling share in common with Joffrey Lannister?

    They are both in bread.

  • Why do you always invite at least two mormons to go out fishing with you?

    If you invite only one, you'll have to share your beer.

  • What is one thing you never say to a Muslim?

    Share ya laws.

  • What do you call a Dr. that shares your medical history with everyone?

    a HIPAAcrite

  • Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?

    They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.

  • What do Ohio and Mackerels have in common?

    Nothing! Ohio is the only state in the United States that's name shares no letters with the word mackerel.

  • Why did the lady with multiple personality disorder share her food with a friend?

    Because Sharon is Karen.

  • What do you call a grandpa who couldn't understand why his email wanted to upload his attachment to share it?

    An old man yelling at the cloud

  • Why did the Crab not share any plankton with his friends?

    Because he was shellfish.

  • What did one elf girl say to the other elf girl who wasn't sharing?

    Stop being so elfish, Karen!"

  • What are your best racist jokes?

    I find racist jokes to be the funniest! Share your best racist jokes here, but please stay respectful ;)

  • What do you call a group of people who share bathroom facilities?

    A: party poopers

  • What do you call a dark skinned surfer?

    A RADICAL muslim. Sorry if I offended anyone but just thought I would share a funny thought I had that I turned into a joke.

  • Why wouldn't the Kabuto share his Potion?

    He was a little shellfish.

  • What do you call two stoners sharing a joint over dessert?

    Joint custardy

  • Why didn't the shrimp share his treasure?

    He was a little shellfish.

  • Why don't lobsters share their dinner?

    Because they're shellfish!!!

  • Which similarities do Bon Jovi and geologists share?

    They like rock.

  • Why did the twins have twice as many shirts as pants?

    Because they shared genes!

  • Where do Chinese people find work?

    On ChinkedIn of course. (I know the pun is racist but I had to share. Sorry.)

  • What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends?

    Hearing AIDS.

  • Why are black men afraid of chainsaw's?

    When you start them, they made the sound "runnnniganiganiganiga" Sorry for the racism, but had to share this.

  • What do you call a dinosaur made of plastic bricks?

    A legosaurus! Randomly made up this the other night, thought I'd share.

  • Why do the French have so many civil wars?

    So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)

  • What's the difference between a racist person and a racist skeleton?

    They both are insulting, but the skeleton doesn't have any body to share racist jokes with!

  • Why wouldn't the shrimp share his toys?

    Because he is a little shellfish.

  • What do WNBA players make?

    Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share

  • How many people from rio does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A Brazilian. Saw this joke elsewhere and thought i'd share it here.

  • How do you convince your neighbor to share their water with you?

    Try to get a long well.

  • Why wouldn't blastoise share with charizard?

    He was a shellfish pokemon.

  • Why do women like Ryan Gosling?

    Because he is always Gosling around..... A co-worker snickered so I figued share.

  • What's the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won't share?


  • What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough?

    He ate it quickly before the others could ask him to share.

  • Why does tigger smell?

    Becuase he hangs around with pooh! Had to share my 5 year olds joke..

  • Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?

    And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?

  • What part of a chicken is a musical instrument?

    The drumstick. (Had this joke stuck in my head for a while so felt like sharing it.)

  • Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?

    Because he was Snowd en! (according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)

  • How do Frenchmen share files?

    Pierre to Pierre.

  • What shoes are hard to wear?

    Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.

  • How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?

    A: There is writing on the White-out.

  • Why don't oysters like to share?

    Because they're shellfish.

  • Why Don't Lobsters Share?

    Because they're shellfish.

  • What did you do?

    Genocide. You " "I shared a 10 Funniest Autocorrect FAILS on Facebook." - Conversations in Hell

  • What does NASCAR stand for?

    Non-athletic-sport-centered-around-rednecks (I heard this forever ago and wanted to share. Sorry if it happens to be a repost.)