Share Jokes
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What's the difference between the east-german and the west-german accent?
While the former is shared by most, the latter is richer.
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What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?
Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)
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How selfish am I?
Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
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How many cops do you need to change a light bulb?
None. They just shoot the room for being black. Credit: donator on some stream said the joke and just wanted to share it.
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Why didn't the shrimp share his food?
He was a little shellfish
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What's the difference between a school of children and a terrorist camp?
I don't know, I just fly the drone Edit/apology: My friend said this to me, I thought I should share with you all, he said that I could post it here. 5 minutes later he told me he found it on reddit.... I'm sorry all.
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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?
Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P
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Why did the crab hate to share?
He was a little shellfish.
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What did Jesus say while he was getting crucified?
A: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (feel free to share yours)
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What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?
A Guantanamo Bae Thought of this one earlier and just had to share
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What do you call a Pirate you share an apartment with?
Your room-matey.
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What thought can you easily share with someone else without using words?
That you to fart.
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Who will I share the sunset with now?
sobs* Friend: Bad breakup Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.
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Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch hillbilly criminals?
Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.
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How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
When the old one expects you to "do your share"
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What do you call two witches who share a room?
Broom-mates.
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Why didn't the baby oyster share her little pearl?
She was a little shellfish.
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How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
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What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?
1961
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What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall?
Damn! (This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)
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What do giraffes and humans share the same number of?
Testicles.
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How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries?
Because I'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar.
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Why don't lobsters ever share anything?
Because they're shellfish
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What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common?
They share the same middle name.
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Why are millionaires bad at swimming?
Because they drown at their own wealth Edit: I got down voted :( I thought of that in my head and just wanted to share it
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.
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Why is Sigma good at sharing?
Because he only ever takes sum of the numbers!
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Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?
Because Missouri loves company
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Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.
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Why didn't the clam share his ipod?
He was shellfish.
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What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm?
Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.
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Why didn't crab and lobster like to share?
They were both two shellfish
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Why don't u share a bed?
cried Baby Bear.
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What does a sandwich filling share in common with Joffrey Lannister?
They are both in bread.
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Why do you always invite at least two mormons to go out fishing with you?
If you invite only one, you'll have to share your beer.
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What is one thing you never say to a Muslim?
Share ya laws.
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What do you call a Dr. that shares your medical history with everyone?
a HIPAAcrite
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Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?
They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.
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What do Ohio and Mackerels have in common?
Nothing! Ohio is the only state in the United States that's name shares no letters with the word mackerel.
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Why did the lady with multiple personality disorder share her food with a friend?
Because Sharon is Karen.
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What do you call a grandpa who couldn't understand why his email wanted to upload his attachment to share it?
An old man yelling at the cloud
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Why did the Crab not share any plankton with his friends?
Because he was shellfish.
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What did one elf girl say to the other elf girl who wasn't sharing?
Stop being so elfish, Karen!"
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What are your best racist jokes?
I find racist jokes to be the funniest! Share your best racist jokes here, but please stay respectful ;)
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What do you call a group of people who share bathroom facilities?
A: party poopers
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What do you call a dark skinned surfer?
A RADICAL muslim. Sorry if I offended anyone but just thought I would share a funny thought I had that I turned into a joke.
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Why wouldn't the Kabuto share his Potion?
He was a little shellfish.
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What do you call two stoners sharing a joint over dessert?
Joint custardy
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Why didn't the shrimp share his treasure?
He was a little shellfish.
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Why don't lobsters share their dinner?
Because they're shellfish!!!
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Which similarities do Bon Jovi and geologists share?
They like rock.
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Why did the twins have twice as many shirts as pants?
Because they shared genes!
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Where do Chinese people find work?
On ChinkedIn of course. (I know the pun is racist but I had to share. Sorry.)
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What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends?
Hearing AIDS.
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Why are black men afraid of chainsaw's?
When you start them, they made the sound "runnnniganiganiganiga" Sorry for the racism, but had to share this.
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What do you call a dinosaur made of plastic bricks?
A legosaurus! Randomly made up this the other night, thought I'd share.
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Why do the French have so many civil wars?
So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)
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What's the difference between a racist person and a racist skeleton?
They both are insulting, but the skeleton doesn't have any body to share racist jokes with!
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Why wouldn't the shrimp share his toys?
Because he is a little shellfish.
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What do WNBA players make?
Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share
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How many people from rio does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Brazilian. Saw this joke elsewhere and thought i'd share it here.
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How do you convince your neighbor to share their water with you?
Try to get a long well.
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Why wouldn't blastoise share with charizard?
He was a shellfish pokemon.
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Why do women like Ryan Gosling?
Because he is always Gosling around..... A co-worker snickered so I figued share.
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What's the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won't share?
Shelfish
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What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough?
He ate it quickly before the others could ask him to share.
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Why does tigger smell?
Becuase he hangs around with pooh! Had to share my 5 year olds joke..
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Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?
And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?
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What part of a chicken is a musical instrument?
The drumstick. (Had this joke stuck in my head for a while so felt like sharing it.)
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Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?
Because he was Snowd en! (according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)
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How do Frenchmen share files?
Pierre to Pierre.
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What shoes are hard to wear?
Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.
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How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.
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Why don't oysters like to share?
Because they're shellfish.
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Why Don't Lobsters Share?
Because they're shellfish.
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What did you do?
Genocide. You " "I shared a 10 Funniest Autocorrect FAILS on Facebook." - Conversations in Hell
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What does NASCAR stand for?
Non-athletic-sport-centered-around-rednecks (I heard this forever ago and wanted to share. Sorry if it happens to be a repost.)