Sit Jokes
-
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawkings after a house fire.
-
What do you call an area where an Octopus is sitting?
Octopied
-
How many feminists does it take to screw in lightbulb?
It doesn't matter how many you get, because all they'll do is sit around complaining about how misogynistic the use of the word "screw" is.
-
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg?
Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
-
What do you call a guy in a suit sitting in a tree?
Branch Manager
-
What is the philosophy of a necrophiliac?
Sit back, relax and crack open a cold one
-
How are you baby?
I am in bed and thinking about you ... And you my dear - I am at a club ... And sitting right behind you!!
-
How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just sit in the dark and blame the Jews.
-
What's Irish and sits on a porch?
Pati 'O' Furniture
-
What Happened when the girl sat on Lance Armstrong's lap?
She had a ball
-
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game ?
It was a cup draw !
-
What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby with razorblade. What's red and green and sits in a corner The same baby 3 weeks later.
-
Whats the difference between an environmentalist and a dog sitting in the rain?
eventually the dog sitting in the rain will stop whinging.
-
What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger?
The bogeyman.
-
What do you call an Irishman who sits on the porch all year round?
Patty O'Furnature
-
What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper?
Ruff
-
What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals ?
The Lakers . (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals. ) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke .
-
What do you call a cat sitting on the edge of a cliff?
A precipuss.
-
How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't see the point and just sit in the dark.
-
How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just sit in the dark and cry.
-
What's blue, small and sits in a corner?
A baby with its hand in the power socket.
-
When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat ?
He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row !
-
What do you call 5 people sitting In two rows?
Tetris
-
Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
-
Why did they kick Raggedy Anne out of the toybox?
She kept on sitting on Pinocchio's face yelling "Lie to me... lie to me!"
-
How many Swedes does it take to clean a men's bathroom?
None because they pee sitting down.
-
Why is there no Asian Isaac Newton?
He sat under the durian tree.
-
What time is it when the elephant sits on the fence?
Time to get a new fence...
-
What sits in the middle of the world wide web ?
A very very big spider !
-
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
-
What do you call an Irish girl sitting on a hot griddle holding a piece of cheese?
A paddy melt!!
-
Why do chickens sit on their eggs?
Because they don't have chairs.
-
What time is it when yo mama sits on a chair?
Time to buy a new chair.
-
What did the puppy say when it sat on sandpaper?
Ruff
-
Why's a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
-
Why did the dog sit in the shade?
It didn't want to be a hotdog. *ba dum tsss *ba dum tish idk
-
Why did the knife quit?
It couldn't CUT IT! woohoo! I made this one up while sitting at a buffet table. Enjoy! Skip
-
What's blue and sits on the toilet?
A policeman doing his duty!
-
How did Kim Kardashian break the net?
She sat on it.
-
How do you stop the protests in Charlotte?
Sing the nation anthem they will sit down
-
Why are European cars the lightest?
because there's no Americans sitting in them.
-
What sits in the corner of the room, crying and getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a vegetable peeler.
-
What do you calll a woman that people sit on ?
Cher !
-
Why did Raggedy Anne get kicked out of the toybox?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming "Lie to me! Lie to me!!!"
-
Why did raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face screaming "LIE TO ME"!
-
What's the deal with my laptop?
I'm sitting there typing and the battery drains, does this ever happen to you? So this little message pops up: Plug in or find another power source. Do you get that message? What other power source are they talking about? Well, I can't find that cable, so I'll go ahead and plug in to the hamster wheel generator I keep just in case. That's my other power source.
-
What's red, white and sits in a hole in a tree?
A sanitary owl
-
What do you call a bunch of white dudes sitting on a bench?
The NBA
-
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
-
What's Irish and sits out all night?
Patio furniture.
-
What did the man say when he sat on a candle?
Fire in the hole!
-
What Happens when you fart in church?
You sit in your own pew
-
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice?
polar-oids
-
What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
A. Polaroids.
-
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and sits in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
-
Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire?
A Snowman.
-
Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day...
He loves his pot.
-
What is the difference between a hog and a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.
-
What's the difference between america and a yoghurt?
A yoghurt develops a culture After sitting there for 100 years.
-
What do you call Christopher Walken when he is sitting?
Christopher Sitten
-
What happened to the guy who farted in church?
He sat in his own pew.
-
How do you cover 18 holes with one hole?
Have your mom sit down on a golf course.
-
What is brown and sits in a toilet in a dutch attic?
The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
-
What's Irish and sits outside?
Paddy O'furniture
-
Who's there ! Becka ! Becka who ?
Becka the bus is the best place to sit !
-
How does an elephant get down from a tree ?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn !
-
Why did all the other toys throw RaggedyAnn out of the toy box?
She kept on sitting on Pinocchio's face yelling "Lie to me, lie to me!"
-
What do you call a 1,000 pound woman sitting on a bar stool?
A half-ton pickup.
-
What do you call an Irishman sitting on his veranda?
Patty O'Furniture.
-
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty bus
-
What's the easiest way to tell if somebody's lying?
He/she's not sitting or standing!
-
What do you get if King Kong sits on your best friend?
A flat mate.
-
What do you call 5 cats sitting on top of each other?
A caterpillar
-
How do four whores sit on one chair?
They turn it over.
-
What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne ?
Sat down !
-
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck!
-
How did you prepare for today?
red carpet question with "Cocaine and sit ups." #GoldenGlobes
-
What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float?
You turn on the lights and shoot the black guy stealing it.
-
Whos the funniest disney princess?
raPUNzel *sits there laughing to self* ...so lonely..
-
What does the NFL season and the national anthem have in common?
Kaepernick is gonna sit through them both.
-
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ?
Dad dad look what marma-laid' !
-
How do you know you're at a redneck wedding?
Everybody is sitting on the same side of the church
-
Why was Barbie kicked out of the toy box?
because she kept sitting on pinocchio's face moaning, "lie to me!"
-
How do you know you are sitting next to a ski instructor?
They'll tell you.
-
What is every young ladys ultimate Disney fantasy?
To sit on Pinnochios face and hope he tells lies.
-
How was the movie?
Brian: A real turkey. I could hardly sit through it the second time!
-
What's Irish and sits on your lawn?
paddy o' furniture
-
What's the difference between a line dance instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
-
Why does nobody like to sit next to Elsa?
Coz...she "let's it go!"
-
What is the one thing wrong with a Piles joke?
It doesn't sit well.
-
What do you call the Moon spirit that at once sits upon a lake of glowing jade and exists nestled within our divine souls?
Altha'or syzygena
-
Why was Cinderella kicked out of Walt Disney World?
Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to start telling lies.
-
How many transgender people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. But they have to sit in the dark room for a year, first, to make sure that the lightbulb is out.
-
What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio's face?
Tell me a lie. Tell me the truth. Tell me a lie. Tell me the truth. Tell me a lie...
-
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-
What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper?
A: RUFF!
-
Why were all the rednecks sitting around an ordinary potato waiting for it to talk?
It was a CommonTater I just made this up I swear
-
What do you call a girl who's sitting in the middle of a tennis court?
Annette.
-
What do you call an Irishman sitting on your front porch?
Paddy O'Furniture
-
Why did the girl sit on her watch?
She wanted to be on time.
-
When you go for a bus ride do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs?
I prefer to ride on top but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.
-
How do you stop all the protests and riots?
Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down
-
Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!
-
What's green and sits on the porch?
Paddy O'Furniture. Happy St. Patrick's Day!
-
Why do hens sit on eggs?
because they're too poor to afford chairs.
-
How ?
I've paid him and i didnt sit in. I ran away
-
Who hurt you?
unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.
-
How many chemicals are crack?
Lets get this done in one sitting.
-
Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?
It wanted to play squash.
-
Why does that guy always get all the women?
I don't know...he isn't very handsome or rich" "And he's a terrible conversationalist - all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows"
-
What did the dog say when it sat on a piece of sandpaper?
Ruff!
-
What time is it when you sit on a pin?
Spring time.
-
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
-
What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean?
A nervous wreck.
-
What do you do if a girl sits on your hand?
Try to get her off!
-
Why can't you play cards on a small boat?
Because someone is always sitting on the deck.
-
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
So that he didn't fall in the hot cocoa.
-
Where do the Baltimore Ravens sit?
On The Wire.
-
Why is it a tragedy?
Because a Cadillac sits six.
-
Where does Arnie sit at the movies?
Aisle B - Back.
-
What do cows sit on?
Couches
-
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A drowning epileptic.
-
What is the difference between chicken and blondes ?
The chicken knows on whose eggs sitting .
-
Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?
In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.
-
What would Hillary tell Bill when she will sit at the Oval Office?
Close, Bill, but no cigar!"
-
What do you call a man with no arms & no legs... ...hanging on the wall?
Art ...floating in the sea Bob ...laying on the floor Matt ...down in a hole Phil ...sitting in a pot Stu ...
-
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA.
-
What do eskimos do when it gets cold?
They go into their igloos and sit around a candle. What do they do when it gets even colder They turn on the candle.
-
What is the softest part of a wheel chair?
The vegtable sitting in it
-
Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus?
He has an Asgard ...I'll see myself out
-
What's E.T short for?
Because he's got little legs. But seriously, what does ET stand for Because he can't sit down.
-
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?
Some guy sitting up all night wondering if there really is a dog
-
Whats red and sits in the corner?
A naughty strawberry
-
Why did the burger sit beside the telephone?
Incase onion rings
-
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
-
Why are none talking in the ladies sauna?
They are sitting on their lips!
-
What did the Triceratops sit on?
Its Tricerabottom.
-
What's the difference between an Aboriginal and a park bench?
One you sit on and the other is a park bench.
-
What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
-
What do you call 7 white guys sitting on a bench?
The nba
-
What's white and Irish and sits in your backyard all year?
Paddy O'Furniture
-
What do you call an Asian lady sitting on a fence with no arms or legs?
Pai-Ling
-
Why didn't the table want to be sat on?
He wasn't a charitable guy
-
Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane?
Cos iv never heard of an airplane reverse into a mountain... ill help myself out...
-
What is Irish and sits on the porch?
Patty O'Furniture
-
What do you call a green man sitting on my porch?
My n*gger and I'll paint him whatever color I want.
-
What is green and sits crying in the corner?
The incredible Sulk.
-
Why do chickens sit on eggs?
Because they don't have any chairs. Source: my five-year-old.
-
What's pink and sits on a piano chair?
Elton's John
-
Why can't Sweden win a race?
Because, it always sits right behind the Finnish line
-
What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?
A Perch!
-
What's Irish and sits on a deck?
Patty O'Furniture
-
Why does Black Widow love sitting on Captain America's shield?
Because it's made out of vibranium.
-
Why should you never sit at the top deck of a double decker bus?
Because there is no driver up there.
-
What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA
-
What did the native american say the first time he saw a bicycle?
Wow, white folks are pretty smart. They run sitting down.
-
Why are they arresting that dog?
What did he do ! ' --my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car
-
What does a mathematician do about constipation?
Sits down and works it out with a pencil.
-
Where does Sean Connery sit?
In the toilet.
-
What happens to eskimos who sit on the ice too long?
Polaroids! I'm so bored...
-
What do you get if King Kong sits on your piano?
A flat note.
-
What's big and green and sits in the corner?
The Incredible Sulk!
-
What happens when an elephant sits on a car?
It breaks the trunk.
-
What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?
I was asked on an internet forum. "Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.
-
Why did the lady at the bar slap the man next to her for stroking his mustache?
Because in between stroking it, he said "hello, let me clear you off a place to sit."
-
Why are you guys all sitting on the same side of the table?
DaVinci
-
Why was the blonde girl sitting on the roof?
Someone told her drinks were on the house.
-
What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?
Putin on the Ritz
-
How do they all sit?
They turn the stool upside down
-
How do you like your new teacher ?
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one !
-
What happened when the elephant sat on the car?
A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!
-
What do you call an Irishman sitting in your Backyard?
Paddy O'Furniture
-
What do drug dealers sit on?
KUSHions please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is.
-
What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long?
Polaroids.
-
What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?
Time to get a new car.
-
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck !
-
What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar?
I don't know.
-
Where do Tie Fighters sit in church?
In the *pew*.
-
How many trans women does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but first they have to sit in the dark for a year and then get letters from two electricians giving them permission.
-
What can you say in your defense?
ampndash Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!
-
What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement.
-
What's blue and orange & sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
-
What do you get when you sit on a potato?
A potato wedge! (I made this up when I was 9)
-
How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ?
They sit eggsaminations !
-
Who has a long nose wears a mask and sits tall in the saddle?
The Lone Aardvark!
-
Who the hell buys furniture online?
Why would you buy a chair or couch you can't even sit in What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay
-
What's big and white and sits in a tree?
A fridge. What's big and white and blue and sits in a tree A fridge wearing jeans.
-
What does Yao Ming stand for?
When he sits down it takes too long to get back up.
-
Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?
then just sit there for 5 years.
-
What do you call a bunch of cats sitting in a circle?
The purr-rimiter.
-
What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!
-
How did Humpty Dumpty get ripped?
Wall-sits.
-
What is the difference between a blonde and a hen?
The blonde doesn't sit still when she is on eggs.
-
How do you get 4 girls to sit on one chair?
You flip it upside down.
-
What do you call a man with no arms or legs... ... sitting at your door?
Matt. ...floating in your pool Bob. ...hanging on your wall Art. ... water skiing Skipper.
-
What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up?
A dog.
-
Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"?
Short John Silver!
-
What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone?
He grew up to be a bellhop!
-
What's Irish and sits by the pool?
Paddy O'Furniture
-
What is the difference between a creep and a kid?
I wouldn't let a creep sit on my lap.
-
What would be funny about Hillary as president?
That she would be sitting at the desk that Monica once kneeled under!
-
How many countries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. Germany to start it, France to try and then give up almost immediately, Italy to start, give up, and try again from the other side, America to finish it and claim credit for the whole thing, and Switzerland to sit in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.
-
What's Irish and sits out in the rain?
Paddy o' Furniture
-
What do you call an ugly rabbit that sits on someone's forehead?
Unsightly facial hare!
-
What do you get when you cross a pig with a canary?
I don't know but when it sits on your electric wire and sings all your lights go out
-
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
-
Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net?
The www.izard of Oz.
-
What do you do if King Kong sits in front of you at the cinema?
Miss most of the film!
-
Where does the catcher sit for dinner?
A: Behind the plate.
-
What do you call a group of white people sitting on the bench?
A basketball team.
-
What do you call a number that won't sit still?
A roamin' numeral. :P
-
What did the veggies say, as they sat down for supper?
Lettuce, pray."
-
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Scotsmen don't change light bulbs it's cheaper to sit in the dark
-
What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby combing its hair with an apple peeler
-
What's blue and white and sits up a tree?
A fridge wearing a denim jacket.
-
What's your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.
-
Why'd the dog sit in the shade?
He didn't want to be a hot dog!
-
What sits down but doesn't get back up?
A redditor.
-
Why do we have to sit at red lights if nobody's coming the other way?
We don't have to pay our taxes if nobody's checking, right
-
Where did the spoiled milk sit?
On the top shelf. Where did the chocolate milk sit In the back.
-
How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll sit in the dark and blame the Jews
-
How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?
Bolt upright.
-
What's up ?
Boy: If I tell you, will you sit on it
-
Whats it called when you 69 with someone who is sitting in a wheelchair?
Meals on wheels
-
What do you call it when you sit on a high chair to see if you want to buy it?
A stool sample.
-
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the snow for too long?
Polaroids.
-
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?
A golden opportunity
-
What does a Jamaican Liar sit on?
Deceit.
-
How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?
A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
-
What do you call a dragon that can't sit still?
A wiggle wyrm.
-
What do you call a pig sitting on a hog?
Usually they prefer to be called "officer"
-
What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed floaties. What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool? Floaties with a slashed baby.
-
Why does Marshawn Lynch sit in the back at the Kid's Choice awards?
He's just there so he won't get slimed.