Sleep Jokes
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When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?
is unwise, apparently.
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What does Bob Marley wear to sleep?
pa-jammins
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What did the police say to the man who wouldn't go to sleep?
He's resisting a rest!"
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Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
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How does an attorney go to sleep?
First he lies on one side, then the other!!
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Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?
Because she wanted to sleep like a log.
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What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep ?
A dinosnore !
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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!
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What did the baker say about her co-worker who never sleeps and always smells funky?
At yeast he's a fungi.
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What's a meth head's favourite thing about Halloween?
Only two more sleeps till Christmas!
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What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both know when you are sleeping.
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What is in common between a napkin and a person?
If you sleep with a person, he/she is ur nap-kin.
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Whats the best thing about being addicted to speed?
Only one more sleep until Christmas!
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What fun drink can put your kid to sleep?
Bleach
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What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep ?
Trunkquilizers !
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How do you put a baby to sleep?
You rock them. What if it doesn't work? Use a bigger rock.
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Why are all black people scared of sleeping?
Cause one had a dream, and he died.
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Why cant a Mexican man sleep with three women at once?
Fear of over dos
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What's the best thing about being a meth addict?
Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas!
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Why do meth heads love Halloween?
Three sleeps 'till Christmas!
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What do you call a person who sleeps next to dead bodies at night?
Morgue Attendant
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Why did the bear run around his bed?
He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
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What do monkeys sleep on?
Apricots. I used to love this joke when I was a little kid and told it over and over. I'm still a little in love with it for that reason. What are some of your favorite jokes from when you were a little kid?
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What do you call a patella that sleeps around too much?
Whore knee
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Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?
They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas
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What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan?
They're used to disappointment.
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Why couldn't Luke get any sleep?
Because the Force Awakens
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Why did Misty want to sleep with Brock?
She saw his Onix harden.
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What is the best advice to give a worm?
Sleep late.
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Why are you sleeping at your desk?
Me: Because my bed is at home.
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Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed?
He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep.
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What do you call a tissue that is sleeping?
A napkin
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How'd you sleep?
Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
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What was the man running around ?
from my 5yr old son Because he wanted to catch some sleep.
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Why don't black people sleep?
Because the only one that had a dream was shot.
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What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ?
Sleep in the wardrobe !
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Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle?
In case of any night mares!
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How do you wake a sleeping Lady Gaga?
You poke poke poker face
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How can you shorten a bed?
Don't sleep long in it.
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What's the main difference between light and hard?
I can go to sleep with a light on
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Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea ?
Jack the kipper !
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How can you go without sleep for seven days and not be tired?
Sleep at night
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When do cows go to sleep?
Pasture bedtime.
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What are apricots?
Where monkeys sleep.
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Whats the best part about sleeping with a midget?
You're sure to get a little head
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Why did the girl take a ruler to bed?
She wanted to see how long she slept.
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How do Australians sleep?
With their heads at the foot of the bed.
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Why did Fonzie stop sleeping around?
He got AIIIIIDS.
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What does a muslim man call a woman he wants to sleep with, but can't due to religious reasons?
Harambae
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Where do books sleep?
A: Under their covers.
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How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket
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Why do black people never sleep?
Because the last one who had a dream got shot
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Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?
Only two more sleeps until christmas.
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What famous band sleeps the least?
Slipknot
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What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
Sleep in the wardrobe.
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What is the car that everyone sleeps in?
The Ford Siesta Many thanks to for that one.
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What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?
He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.
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How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?
A: To see how long he slept.
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What's a narcoleptics favorite game?
Hide and go sleep.
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How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?
he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
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Why do men get erections while they sleep?
So they don't accidentally roll out of bed.
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Why does the nudist always go to bed early?
Because he never sleeps in much!
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What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him?
Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.
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What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
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What are you planning on doing on MLK day?
Her: I plan on sleeping all day Me: ...Why Her: I want to have dreams too
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How does a woman know she's sleeping with a forklift driver?
He beeps twice before coming through the flaps.
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Where does King Kong sleep?
Anywhere he wants to.
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What is Error 619?
When your kid sleeps in between.
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Why do cicadas stay up all night chirping irregularly, unable to sleep?
Their cicadan rhythm is off
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What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov?
I'm putin' that guy to sleep
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What is it called when you sleep talk about your subconscious feelings ?
A Freudian Sleep.
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Why was my other pillow jealous?
Because I like to sleep around.
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How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?
A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.
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What has a mouth but never speaks, Has a bed but never sleeps, And has legs but never walks?
amp;nbsp; A mute, crippled insomniac
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Why did the mafia boss get banned from the aquarium?
He was sleeping with the fishes.
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How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships ?
With their eyes shut !
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Where do baby apes sleep?
Apricots.
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What's the best part about sleeping with twenty five year olds?
There's twenty of them.
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What size bed comfortably fits a married couple?
Twin. Because the husband has to sleep on the couch.
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What do you call a very religious person who sleep walks?
A Roman Catholic.
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Why don't women sleep on the left side of the bed?
Because they always want to be right.
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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?
Sleep on the sofa.
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What does a cat sleep on?
A: A caterpillow.
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Why does Shakira have such a hard time sleeping at night?
Because her hips won't lie.
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What do you call a wizard that puts people to sleep?
Dumblebore
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What did King Arthur sleep with when he was afraid of the dark?
A knight light
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Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with two legs up they'd fall over
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Who's Irish and sleeps on your porch?
Paddy O'Furniture!
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How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.
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What do you call a girl that sleeps with you for your Adderall?
A total attention whore.
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What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
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Who slept with my wife?
and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."
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What's the longest you've stayed in bed?
I usually sleep ON the bed. #DadJoke
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Why did the European businessman sleep on the streets?
To avoid a hostel takeover.
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How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin?
A little stiff.
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What do you call a woman who will sleep with absolutely anybody?
Public storage.
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Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror?
To see how she looks like when sleeping.
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How many women have you slept with?
she asked. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten " "Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed. I said, "0."
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Why did the Square divorce the Circle?
It was sleeping around.
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How do these presidential candidates sleep at night?
With an electorate blanket.
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How'd you sleep last night?
Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed " Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.
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What is the difference between light and hard?
Well, you can sleep with a light on.
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Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed?
Because he sleeps on a waterbed !
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What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party?
You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!
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Why is it so hard to sleep with Asian women?
It can be a slippery slope.
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Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan?
Because there are already too many targets. (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)
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What do you call a dinosaur that sleeps around a lot?
A carniv-whore.
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Why keyboards... Why keyboards don't sleep?
Because they have two shifts!
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Why couldn't the guy with insomnia have an affair with anyone's wife?
Because he couldn't sleep with anyone.
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What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A tyrano-snore-us rex.
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What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?
Cot-on-wool.
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What service do you get if you sleep in a bakery?
Bread and Bakedfast!
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What did the Asian guy say when he was caught sleeping with another man's wife?
Me love you wrong time.
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What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?
Turn off their console and go to sleep.
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Why did the engineer buy a mattress?
To sleep under it
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Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?
So he wouldn't talk in his sleep
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What do you mean you can't sleep?
It's so easy I could do it with my eyes close! Me: *walks away*
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Why did Jimmy take a ruler to bed?
To see how long he slept for.
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Why do sailors drink so much?
We sleep better when the room is moving
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Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?
Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!
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When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.
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A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.
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Why do happy people like to sleep in late?
Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.
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What do light and hard have in common?
You can sleep with a light on.
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Why do you hate me?
me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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How can a man go 7 days without sleeping?
Sleep at night
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Why was little Jimmy fishing in the well?
Because Tom had previously drowned in the well and everyone said "Tom is sleeping with the fishes."
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Who's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney princess?
Sleeping Beauty
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How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?
No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.
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What was James Bond after he slept through an earthquake?
Shaken, not stirred.
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Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep?
ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole.
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Why did the boy take the ruler to bed?
He wanted to see how long he slept.
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What is the biggest similarity between the average Redditor and a lumberjack?
They both sleep all night and whack all day!
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Why were you asleep at the wheel?
Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.
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How's a fart and a teenager alike?
Because once you go to sleep, you can't trust either of them to not sneak out.
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What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
A stega-snore-us.
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How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep?
She reads them pig tales.
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How did you sleep?
With closed eyes.
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Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep?
Because it has two shifts.
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What did the candle say when it couldn't sleep due to his own candlelight?
There ain't no rest for the wicked
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Where do holy men sleep?
Monk beds.
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How does a lawyer sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.
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Why did Thor decide to sleep in?
He was up all night to Get Loki.
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What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty two year old's?
There is twenty of them.
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Why did the mummy cry himself to sleep every night?
Because he was empty inside.
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Why do we sleep?
Because we get sleepy.
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Why did the man sleep under the tractor?
Because he wanted to wake up oily.
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What is dark, invades you in your sleep, and starts with N-I-G?
Nightmares you racist.
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What do you call two brown people in a sleeping bag?
Twix.
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What do you call a Mexican girl who loves to sleep around?
A Burrithoe
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What do you get if 2 black men sleep in a sleeping bag?
A twix bar
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What do you get when you sleep with all 140 characters of twitter?
A rashtag.
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How many ladies have you slept with?
she said. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10 " She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..." I said, "Zero."
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Why was the egg late for work?
It ova slept.
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What do you call an Irishman who slept out on the lawn all night?
Patty-OFurniture
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Why won't a woman sleep with you after a date at Burger King?
Because you have to court her before you pound her.
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What is the hardest part about sleeping with twenty one year olds?
There is twenty of them
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What will you call a person who sleeps next to a close relative?
A) NapKin
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What do you call a seagull that catches you sleeping?
A baegull.
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Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?
Because there's no rest for the wicked.
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What's the best thing about having insomnia?
Only one nights sleep til Christmas!
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Why did the hipster go to bed early?
Because he sleeps before it gets cool.
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What does the hippie bum say when you tell him he can no longer sleep on your couch?
Namaste
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What's the difference between hard and light?
I can sleep with a light on.
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Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
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What do you call a sleeping police officer?
An undercover cop.
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What's yellow and sleeps alone?
Yoko Ono
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How can a man go eight days without sleep?
No problem , He sleeps at night.
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How long does 8 sleep for?
Forever.
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What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping?
Lazy bones.
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What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with?
An alarm, you pervert!
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Why were you late ?
Sorry teacher I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !
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Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?
With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed
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What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?
He got lemonaids.
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What's the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
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What's the best rock to sleep on?
bed rock
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What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture... What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?
Aurora boring Alice.
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How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting?
Talk in your sleep.
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Why did the blond take a ruler to bed?
To see how long she slept.
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What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?
Nocturtle
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How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
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What happened when the Orange slept with the skanky Lemon?
He got Lemonaids.
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Why did the man sleep after being run over by a car?
Because he got tired.
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Why do women always sleep on the left side of the bed?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS!!!!!
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What kind of rice puts you to sleep?
Ray Rice
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What's a poor person favorite meal?
Sleep.
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Why do nursing homes give men Viagra before they sleep?
So they won't roll out of bed.
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When do computers go to sleep?
When it's internight.
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Why aren't you mowing the lawn?
Link: It's raining Z: No it's not L: *Plays Song of Storms* Z: You're sleeping with Epona tonight