Sleep Jokes

  • When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?

    is unwise, apparently.

  • What does Bob Marley wear to sleep?


  • What did the police say to the man who wouldn't go to sleep?

    He's resisting a rest!"

  • Why did the man run around his bed?

    Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

  • How does an attorney go to sleep?

    First he lies on one side, then the other!!

  • Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?

    Because she wanted to sleep like a log.

  • What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep ?

    A dinosnore !

  • Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

    She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!

  • What did the baker say about her co-worker who never sleeps and always smells funky?

    At yeast he's a fungi.

  • What's a meth head's favourite thing about Halloween?

    Only two more sleeps till Christmas!

  • What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

    They both know when you are sleeping.

  • What is in common between a napkin and a person?

    If you sleep with a person, he/she is ur nap-kin.

  • Whats the best thing about being addicted to speed?

    Only one more sleep until Christmas!

  • What fun drink can put your kid to sleep?


  • What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep ?

    Trunkquilizers !

  • How do you put a baby to sleep?

    You rock them. What if it doesn't work? Use a bigger rock.

  • Why are all black people scared of sleeping?

    Cause one had a dream, and he died.

  • Why cant a Mexican man sleep with three women at once?

    Fear of over dos

  • What's the best thing about being a meth addict?

    Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas!

  • Why do meth heads love Halloween?

    Three sleeps 'till Christmas!

  • What do you call a person who sleeps next to dead bodies at night?

    Morgue Attendant

  • Why did the bear run around his bed?

    He wanted to catch up on his sleep.

  • What do monkeys sleep on?

    Apricots. I used to love this joke when I was a little kid and told it over and over. I'm still a little in love with it for that reason. What are some of your favorite jokes from when you were a little kid?

  • What do you call a patella that sleeps around too much?

    Whore knee

  • Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

    They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas

  • What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan?

    They're used to disappointment.

  • Why couldn't Luke get any sleep?

    Because the Force Awakens

  • Why did Misty want to sleep with Brock?

    She saw his Onix harden.

  • What is the best advice to give a worm?

    Sleep late.

  • Why are you sleeping at your desk?

    Me: Because my bed is at home.

  • Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed?

    He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep.

  • What do you call a tissue that is sleeping?

    A napkin

  • How'd you sleep?

    Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

  • What was the man running around ?

    from my 5yr old son Because he wanted to catch some sleep.

  • Why don't black people sleep?

    Because the only one that had a dream was shot.

  • What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ?

    Sleep in the wardrobe !

  • Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle?

    In case of any night mares!

  • How do you wake a sleeping Lady Gaga?

    You poke poke poker face

  • How can you shorten a bed?

    Don't sleep long in it.

  • What's the main difference between light and hard?

    I can go to sleep with a light on

  • Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea ?

    Jack the kipper !

  • How can you go without sleep for seven days and not be tired?

    Sleep at night

  • When do cows go to sleep?

    Pasture bedtime.

  • What are apricots?

    Where monkeys sleep.

  • Whats the best part about sleeping with a midget?

    You're sure to get a little head

  • Why did the girl take a ruler to bed?

    She wanted to see how long she slept.

  • How do Australians sleep?

    With their heads at the foot of the bed.

  • Why did Fonzie stop sleeping around?

    He got AIIIIIDS.

  • What does a muslim man call a woman he wants to sleep with, but can't due to religious reasons?


  • Where do books sleep?

    A: Under their covers.

  • How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

    You rocket

  • Why do black people never sleep?

    Because the last one who had a dream got shot

  • Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

    Only two more sleeps until christmas.

  • What famous band sleeps the least?


  • What's the difference between light and hard?

    You can sleep with a light on.

  • What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?

    Sleep in the wardrobe.

  • What is the car that everyone sleeps in?

    The Ford Siesta Many thanks to for that one.

  • What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

    He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.

  • How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

    You rocket.

  • Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?

    A: To see how long he slept.

  • What's a narcoleptics favorite game?

    Hide and go sleep.

  • How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?

    he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

  • Why do men get erections while they sleep?

    So they don't accidentally roll out of bed.

  • Why does the nudist always go to bed early?

    Because he never sleeps in much!

  • What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him?

    Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.

  • What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?

    A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.

  • What are you planning on doing on MLK day?

    Her: I plan on sleeping all day Me: ...Why Her: I want to have dreams too

  • How does a woman know she's sleeping with a forklift driver?

    He beeps twice before coming through the flaps.

  • Where does King Kong sleep?

    Anywhere he wants to.

  • What is Error 619?

    When your kid sleeps in between.

  • Why do cicadas stay up all night chirping irregularly, unable to sleep?

    Their cicadan rhythm is off

  • What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov?

    I'm putin' that guy to sleep

  • What is it called when you sleep talk about your subconscious feelings ?

    A Freudian Sleep.

  • Why was my other pillow jealous?

    Because I like to sleep around.

  • How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?

    A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.

  • What has a mouth but never speaks, Has a bed but never sleeps, And has legs but never walks?

    amp;nbsp; A mute, crippled insomniac

  • Why did the mafia boss get banned from the aquarium?

    He was sleeping with the fishes.

  • How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships ?

    With their eyes shut !

  • Where do baby apes sleep?


  • What's the best part about sleeping with twenty five year olds?

    There's twenty of them.

  • What size bed comfortably fits a married couple?

    Twin. Because the husband has to sleep on the couch.

  • What do you call a very religious person who sleep walks?

    A Roman Catholic.

  • Why don't women sleep on the left side of the bed?

    Because they always want to be right.

  • What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?

    Sleep on the sofa.

  • What does a cat sleep on?

    A: A caterpillow.

  • Why does Shakira have such a hard time sleeping at night?

    Because her hips won't lie.

  • What do you call a wizard that puts people to sleep?


  • What did King Arthur sleep with when he was afraid of the dark?

    A knight light

  • Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?

    Because if they slept with two legs up they'd fall over

  • Who's Irish and sleeps on your porch?

    Paddy O'Furniture!

  • How many women have u slept with?

    Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.

  • What do you call a girl that sleeps with you for your Adderall?

    A total attention whore.

  • What do you call a sleep walking nun?

    A roamin' Catholic.

  • Who slept with my wife?

    and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."

  • What's the longest you've stayed in bed?

    I usually sleep ON the bed. #DadJoke

  • Why did the European businessman sleep on the streets?

    To avoid a hostel takeover.

  • How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin?

    A little stiff.

  • What do you call a woman who will sleep with absolutely anybody?

    Public storage.

  • Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror?

    To see how she looks like when sleeping.

  • How many women have you slept with?

    she asked. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten " "Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed. I said, "0."

  • Why did the Square divorce the Circle?

    It was sleeping around.

  • How do these presidential candidates sleep at night?

    With an electorate blanket.

  • How'd you sleep last night?

    Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed " Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.

  • What is the difference between light and hard?

    Well, you can sleep with a light on.

  • Why does your brother wear a life jacket in bed?

    Because he sleeps on a waterbed !

  • What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party?

    You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!

  • Why is it so hard to sleep with Asian women?

    It can be a slippery slope.

  • Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan?

    Because there are already too many targets. (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)

  • What do you call a dinosaur that sleeps around a lot?

    A carniv-whore.

  • Why keyboards... Why keyboards don't sleep?

    Because they have two shifts!

  • Why couldn't the guy with insomnia have an affair with anyone's wife?

    Because he couldn't sleep with anyone.

  • What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

    A tyrano-snore-us rex.

  • What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?


  • What service do you get if you sleep in a bakery?

    Bread and Bakedfast!

  • What did the Asian guy say when he was caught sleeping with another man's wife?

    Me love you wrong time.

  • What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?

    Turn off their console and go to sleep.

  • Why did the engineer buy a mattress?

    To sleep under it

  • Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?

    So he wouldn't talk in his sleep

  • What do you mean you can't sleep?

    It's so easy I could do it with my eyes close! Me: *walks away*

  • Why did Jimmy take a ruler to bed?

    To see how long he slept for.

  • Why do sailors drink so much?

    We sleep better when the room is moving

  • Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?

    Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!

  • When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

    Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

  • A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

    A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.

  • Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

    Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

  • What do light and hard have in common?

    You can sleep with a light on.

  • Why do you hate me?

    me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

  • How can a man go 7 days without sleeping?

    Sleep at night

  • Why was little Jimmy fishing in the well?

    Because Tom had previously drowned in the well and everyone said "Tom is sleeping with the fishes."

  • Who's Bill Cosby's favourite Disney princess?

    Sleeping Beauty

  • How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?

    No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.

  • What was James Bond after he slept through an earthquake?

    Shaken, not stirred.

  • Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep?

    ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole.

  • Why did the boy take the ruler to bed?

    He wanted to see how long he slept.

  • What is the biggest similarity between the average Redditor and a lumberjack?

    They both sleep all night and whack all day!

  • Why were you asleep at the wheel?

    Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.

  • How's a fart and a teenager alike?

    Because once you go to sleep, you can't trust either of them to not sneak out.

  • What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?

    A stega-snore-us.

  • How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep?

    She reads them pig tales.

  • How did you sleep?

    With closed eyes.

  • Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep?

    Because it has two shifts.

  • What did the candle say when it couldn't sleep due to his own candlelight?

    There ain't no rest for the wicked

  • Where do holy men sleep?

    Monk beds.

  • How does a lawyer sleep?

    First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.

  • Why did Thor decide to sleep in?

    He was up all night to Get Loki.

  • What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty two year old's?

    There is twenty of them.

  • Why did the mummy cry himself to sleep every night?

    Because he was empty inside.

  • Why do we sleep?

    Because we get sleepy.

  • Why did the man sleep under the tractor?

    Because he wanted to wake up oily.

  • What is dark, invades you in your sleep, and starts with N-I-G?

    Nightmares you racist.

  • What do you call two brown people in a sleeping bag?


  • What do you call a Mexican girl who loves to sleep around?

    A Burrithoe

  • What do you get if 2 black men sleep in a sleeping bag?

    A twix bar

  • What do you get when you sleep with all 140 characters of twitter?

    A rashtag.

  • How many ladies have you slept with?

    she said. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10 " She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..." I said, "Zero."

  • Why was the egg late for work?

    It ova slept.

  • What do you call an Irishman who slept out on the lawn all night?


  • Why won't a woman sleep with you after a date at Burger King?

    Because you have to court her before you pound her.

  • What is the hardest part about sleeping with twenty one year olds?

    There is twenty of them

  • What will you call a person who sleeps next to a close relative?

    A) NapKin

  • What do you call a seagull that catches you sleeping?

    A baegull.

  • Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

    Because there's no rest for the wicked.

  • What's the best thing about having insomnia?

    Only one nights sleep til Christmas!

  • Why did the hipster go to bed early?

    Because he sleeps before it gets cool.

  • What does the hippie bum say when you tell him he can no longer sleep on your couch?


  • What's the difference between hard and light?

    I can sleep with a light on.

  • Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

    Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

  • What do you call a sleeping police officer?

    An undercover cop.

  • What's yellow and sleeps alone?

    Yoko Ono

  • How can a man go eight days without sleep?

    No problem , He sleeps at night.

  • How long does 8 sleep for?


  • What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping?

    Lazy bones.

  • What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with?

    An alarm, you pervert!

  • Why were you late ?

    Sorry teacher I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !

  • Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?

    With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed

  • What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

    He got lemonaids.

  • What's the definition of innocence?

    A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

  • What's the best rock to sleep on?

    bed rock

  • What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture... What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?

    Aurora boring Alice.

  • How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting?

    Talk in your sleep.

  • Why did the blond take a ruler to bed?

    To see how long she slept.

  • What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?


  • How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

    I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

  • What happened when the Orange slept with the skanky Lemon?

    He got Lemonaids.

  • Why did the man sleep after being run over by a car?

    Because he got tired.

  • Why do women always sleep on the left side of the bed?


  • What kind of rice puts you to sleep?

    Ray Rice

  • What's a poor person favorite meal?


  • Why do nursing homes give men Viagra before they sleep?

    So they won't roll out of bed.

  • When do computers go to sleep?

    When it's internight.

  • Why aren't you mowing the lawn?

    Link: It's raining Z: No it's not L: *Plays Song of Storms* Z: You're sleeping with Epona tonight