Spend Jokes
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What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chick pea?
I'm not spending $100 to have a garbanzo on my face.
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Why do blacks make good athletes?
They spent the first nine months of their lives dodging hangers.
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Why won't a black man go see a 3d movie?
He'd rather spend his money on a forty
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Why is working at Amazon warehouse like being a coke addict?
You spend 10 hours a day doing nothing but clearing lines.
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What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?
Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?
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How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
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Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet?
They never want to log off.
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What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend?
I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain.
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How Dave Grohl spent his night in his hotel room after the concert in Gothenburg, Sweden?
He watched movie Cast Away (starring Tom Hanks) and ate some potato chips.
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What birds spend all their time on their knees ?
Birds of prey !
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Why did the student fail the exam?
Spent too much time figuring out the Engels, so he didnt get the Marx.... thats what he gets for Stalin
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What did Noah do while spending time on the ark ?
Fished but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !
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What do Maroon 5 and Jack Reacher have in common?
They both spend all their money on payphones.
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What do you call someone who spends the whole time on their phone whenever you hang out?
A phoney friend!
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Why did the eskimo spend 3 hours arguing with the return counter?
Because the warranty is void if the seal is broken.
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What is best potato?
Latvian potato is best potato. Is kind you spend whole life looking for. Also, low calories.
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What do you call a spy that likes to spend time with his son?
James Bonding bah dun tss
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What do you call a super kind man who spends too much time on the beach?
A tangent
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Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?
He was taking a sheet.
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Where does Ben Carson spend most of his time on Reddit?
r/explainlikeimfive
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What happened to that?
Husband: You spent it all dear.
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How did the monster cure his sore throat?
He spent all day gargoyling.
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What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand?
hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D ... wait what were YOU THINKING ! ! !
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Why does Cuba not have any casinos?
They Havana no money to spend.
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What's the difference between the G-Spot and a Golf Ball?
A guy will actually spend time searching for a Golf Ball.
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Why was the teacher arrested for writing in permanent marker?
He wrote "1 + 0 = 0" and then spent the rest of the lesson trying to rub one out...
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Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
The thief was spending less then his wife.
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What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-Spot?
A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.
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What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What do you call an NSA whistle-blower spending the winter in Russia?
Edward Snowed-in
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What did you say to the policeman who spent eight hours on the Internet?
Oh give it arrest.
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Why are burglars such good tennis players ?
Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !
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What's the difference between a golfball and a woman's 'G' spot?
A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball... Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball...
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What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?
asks his wife. "31 black"
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Where did the ADHD kid spend his summer?
Dark) At a concentration camp.
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Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?
Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...
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How much did Adidas spend in advertising at the World Cup this year?
At least a brazillion dollars...
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Why did Bruce Jenner go back to college?
So he could spend a semester a broad.
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What do you call a liquid that spent all its money dissolving solute?
insolvent
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What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?
One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.
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What's Lisbeth's twin sister's name who enjoys spending time on the internet?
Elizabeth.
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What do you call someone who spends 24 hours a day on the Internet?
Anything you like they're not listening to you anyway.
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How much did the pirate spend on his earings?
A buck an ear.
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What are you looking for buddy?
Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose:
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How JokeExplainBot spent his weekend?
Explaining his wife.
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Why did the American spend an entire winter in a Russian hotel?
They say he was snowed in.
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Why do traffic lights never go swimming?
Because they spend too much time changing.
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Why do stoners spend so much money?
because they're high rollers
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Why are fish cleverer than humans?
Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
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What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on?
Vacation.
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Why are men afraid of the world?
They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.
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What's the difference between a PC gamer and a console player?
One spends 400 dollars on a console that will play games for years, the other pays 400 dollars for a graphics card that will be outdated in a week
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Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?
Because they spend years at sea.
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How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months A: *Hands me a badge marked "Casual"*
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Why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend?
Because...bros before hose!
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What do you want for your birthday this year?
Vanessa: I want a divorce! Kobe: I wasn't planning on spending that much this year. Here's another ring.
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How do terrorist surfers spend free time at Guantanamo Bay?
WATERBOARDING!!!
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What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?
If you answered "I don't know." I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up.
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What do you call a pot smoker that spends every night dancing and drinking with his friends?
A Rastapartying
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Why did Peter Parker get fired?
He spent all day on the web.
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What did Santa Clause say when he came down Lindsay Lohan's chimney and found her spending Christmas Eve with her pals Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton?
A: Ho, ho, ho!
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Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?
He wrote sheet music.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Why do women live on average two years longer?
Because the time they spend parking doesnt count.
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How does a nihilist propose to his fiancee?
Even though my existence is meaningless I want to spend the rest of it with you."
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Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?
Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
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What do Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both spent a fortune making their noses more white.
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What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when he's not spending enough time with her?
You're getting too wrapped up in your work!
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How do you make a small fortune in the movie industry?
You spend a large fortune
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What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
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How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
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Why did the guy spend the entire day throwing out his surplus of herbs?
He had too much thyme on his hands.
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Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?
Because they can't stop saving their work.
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What costs you more the less you spend on it?
A divorce lawyer.
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What do you get when you spend all afternoon replying to your anonymous feedback on Corpell Anonymous Box?
Corpell tunnel syndrome
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What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog
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Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they often spend years at C EDIT: made it more punny
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What company spent over $6.2 billion in buying Viagra?
Microsoft
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Why do some writers have a hard time graphing equations?
because they spend too much time with the x-position
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What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?
I'm sorry to leave now that I've almost bought the place.
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What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac spend his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas?
By spending a large fortune.
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Why doesn't anyone ever add Paul Walker on Xbox?
He spends all of his time on the dashboard.
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Why does it take so long for pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at sea.
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Why do black people spend so much on their shoes?
You would to if you had such a long walk home.
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Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!