Stay Jokes
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic who has insomnia?
A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
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What do you say to a handicapped dog?
Stay"
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How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?
They exchange cell numbers.
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What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patio Furniture
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Why do white girls always stay in groups of odd numbers?
Because they can't even...
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?
He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
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What's the longest you've stayed in bed?
I usually sleep ON the bed. #DadJoke
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How do Catholic church priests stay healthy?
They exorcise.
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What have you been doing" asked Jane. "Chasing a herd of elephants on vines" "Really ?
said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground !"
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Why didn't the astronauts stay on the moon?
Because it was a full moon and there was no room.
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What advice would you give to a fish?
Stay in school and keep up with current affairs.
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How do you get a puppy to stay the same size forever?
You stop feeding it.
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What do you call an Irish woman who stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture
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What kind of people should you stay away from?
Trees. They're quite shady.
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What did the philanderer say to the gardener praying in the shed?
How do you stay faithful in a room full of hoes?
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What do you call it when you second guess your decision to book a stay at a Native American resort?
A reservation reservation reservation. Credit to Brian Regan, this is my favorite joke of his!
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What did one hat say to another?
You stay here, I'll go on a head!
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What did the hat say to the other hat?
You stay here. I'll go on a head.
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What do you call a ghost that stays out all night?
Afresh air freak.
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What did the homeless yogi say when told to leave the yoga studio?
Nah, I must stay.
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Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic?
Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.
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Why do older polygons make sure their sides all stay an equal length?
It keeps you regular.
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Why didn't Princess Diana have very many friends on Xbox Live?
All she does is stay on the dashboard.
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What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?
A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. Infinite Jest, by DFW
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Why did Mexico reduce the number of days an American tourist can stay in their country from 180 days to 90 days ?
Because after 90 days in Mexico, even they try to enter the US illegally.
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When I was kid, and we'd go sledding on a cold snowy day, Ya know how often I had to rub my hands together to stay warm?
Intermittenly.
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How do you stay warm in a cold room?
You go to the corner cause it's always 90 degrees.
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What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
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Where do black people stay when they visit Alaska?
A nigloo
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How can we keep our school Clean?
Student : By Staying at home. :p
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Whats the difference between the English cricket team and a teabag?
A teabag stays in the cup longer
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How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch?
The screen stays black when you check the time.
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What does a bull do to stay warm on a cold day?
It goes into a barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey.
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What did King Midas say to the centaur?
Stay gold, Ponyboy.
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What do you get when you're agnostic, dyslexic, and an insomniac?
You stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, agnostic and an insomniac?
A person who stays up all night contemplating the existence of dog.
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Why did the artists stay away from the irritable blacksmith?
Nobody wanted to draw his iron.
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How do you get a kid to stay low to the ground?
DUCK!" How do you get a kid up and running "GOOSE!"
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How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day in January?
He goes into the barn and slips into a warm Jersey.
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Why did the bullet stay home?
Because it got fired!
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Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?
In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.
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What's the difference between a teabag and the English rugby team?
A teabag stays in the cup longer...
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, dyslexic, and agnostic?
Someone who stays up wondering if there is a dog.
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Why do famous and rich black people stay at the Ritz?
Because they are sold out to crackers!
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What do you get when you cross a dylexsic, insomiac and a agnostic?
Someone who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What's the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons. Me: 4: Me: Well, obviously.
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Whats Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture
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What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
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How do you know you let a hippie stay at your house?
He's still there.
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What's Irish and stays out all year?
Patty O'furniture.
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What's the difference between Jared Fogle's divorce and other divorces?
Most married couples tried to stay together FOR the kids. Not divorce because of them.
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What's Irish and stays out on your deck?
Paddy O'furniture
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It's 2 hours 50 minutes Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30 "Back off ladies. He's mine"
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What do you call a hotel special that lets policemen stay for two nights for the price of one?
CuNO3!
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What is Bruce Lee's favorite beverage?
WATAAAH! 2.What is Bruce Lee's favorite hamburger? WHOPPAH! 3.Which hotel does Bruce Lee stay overnight? HYAAAAATT!
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Whats the difference between a black man and a dining room table?
A dining room table can stay and support a family of four.
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What goes over the water, and under the water, but stays dry?
Jesus in a submarine.
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Why is it so hard to find Thor's brother?
Because he stays low key
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What do you call a witch that stays out all night?
A fresh air freak.
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What's Irish and stays on your back porch all year?
Patty O'Furniture
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Why can't Russia extradite US top-secret whistle-blowers?
Because they're Snowden (snowed-in). To all the folks on the East coast, stay safe and warm.
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What do you call a vegetable that always stays outside?
An un-in.
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How do you know when you're staying in a hillbilly hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "okay, Go ahead."
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How do dragons in Antarctica stay warm?
They always have several lairs.
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What do you call a hacker who stays home when it snows outside?
Edward Snowed-in!
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What do Pimps and Santa have in common?
They stay with 3 ho's
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How did the other stay on?
He was a little more on...
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How do Eskimo fleas stay warm?
A flea's blanket.
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What does it mean to be an Agnostic with insomnia and dyslexia?
You stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Where is the safest place to stay at Ferguson?
The public pool, if it is too crowded try the library.
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What goes all around the world but stays in one corner the entire time?
Stamps!
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.
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What do you call a stay at home dad?
Unemployed.
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How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
Eggsercise particularly hareobics!
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Why did the hipsters die of dehydration?
They stayed away from the mainstream.
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Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation?
At the Howliday Inn!
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What did "Nock" say to "K"?
You can join us, as long as you stay quiet.
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, dyslexic, and an agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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How do you stay hidden in the Desert?
Camal-Flage
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What does an agnostic man with insomnia and dyslexia do in his free time?
He stays awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.
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How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
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How do I stay in shape?
I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
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How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?
One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.
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How can we keep the school clean Teacher: "How can we keep the school clean?
Student: "By staying home"
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Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs?
Because only the top 1% can stay above water.
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How do churches stay so strong?
They pray on the weak.
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What's your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional Her: HAHAHA, be serious. Me: Ok, no drug tests.
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What did the hippie say when his girlfriend told him to move out?
Nah, I'm a stay. (namaste)
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What's the difference between England and a teabag?
The teabag stays in the cup longer.
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How do you know if you are having a good time?
When you throw your knickers against the wall, and they stay there.
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What do you say to a dangerously cheesy chicken?
Stay out of parms way.
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What do you call a insomniac dyslexic agnostic?
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog!
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How did Jesus stay in such good shape?
Cross fit.
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How did Jesus stay in shape?
Crossfit
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How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?
She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.
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What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
Stays up all night pondering the existence of a dog
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Why Did The NSA Worker Have To Stay In Russia?
He Was Snowed In(Snowden) )
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What gets harder the longer it stays in your mouth?
Bubblegum
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What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture
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How do you manage to stay in shape?
Witch 2: "I get a lot of hexercise."
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What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A stamp.
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What do you call a dyslexic insomniac philosopher?
A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
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How are Oscar the Grouch and the Olympic Diving Pools in Rio de Janeiro similar?
They're both green, smell like farts, and will stay that way for 47 years.
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What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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What is Irish and stays on your patio, even when it rains?
Patty O'Furniture.
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How does Optimus Prime stay young looking?
Autobotulism
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How do you stay warm outside in the winter?
You just stand in a corner, they are usually around 90 degrees.
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What did the sorting hat say to the quadriplegic?
Stay here, I'll just go on ahead.
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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, dyslexic, and an insomniac?
Some one who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
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What do you call a stay-at-home parent?
Unemployed.
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What goes around the world yet stays in the corner?
Stamp
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Why do cicadas stay up all night chirping irregularly, unable to sleep?
Their cicadan rhythm is off
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How does a detective stay cool in hot summer?
He works on a cold case.
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Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
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Which country has the highest number of foolish people?
Hungary. Stay Hungary, Stay Foolish
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Where did the newlywed horses stay?
In the bridle suite!
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Why are school shooters more likely to be white people?
White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?
You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.
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Why will you never see a stag on the internet?
They like to stay anony-moose
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
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Why is the bicycle unable to stay up?
Because it is two-tired!!!!
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Why do spies never use capitalization?
They like to stay low-key.
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How do painters stay warm?
They add another coat.
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How does a bull stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A: He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey.
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What's the difference between a tea bag and England?
A tea bag stays longer in a cup.
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Where are people in Dallas staying to avoid getting Ebola?
The Cowboys Stadium. Because they can't catch anything there.
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Why was the man sent to prison after staying up all night?
Because he was resisting a rest.
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How do I stay humble?
Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.
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What's the difference between England and a cup of tea?
The teabag stays in the cup longer.
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How does water stay warm during the winter?
It wears an aqua-fur.
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How do hens stay fit?
They always egg-cercise!
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What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain?
A: Stegosaur-rust!
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How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape?
He does lots of bare-obics.
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What do you get when if you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?
A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
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Why can't Iron Man stay in a steady relationship?
He has rust issues.
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Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night?
He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.
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How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?
He replied... ...It's hard
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What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A person who stays up at night, wondering if there's a dog.
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What did the cocaine addict say to his drug of choice?
I'm kinda busy, I won't be able to stay any longer, smell ya later" PS: the addict died that day from severe delusions that his coke was talking blanket, lot of coke....
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What do you call and Irish person who stays outside all night?
Paddy O'Furniture
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Why do bees stay in their hive during Winter?
Swarm.
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What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac spend his time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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How can you tell a hippie's been in your house?
He's still there when you get home. What's he say when you tell him to leave? "Na, 'ma stay"
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What do you call a black guy wearing an ankle bracelet?
A stay at home dad
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What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?
The girls get older, but he stays the same age" -first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)
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What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is dog.
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What are your best racist jokes?
I find racist jokes to be the funniest! Share your best racist jokes here, but please stay respectful ;)
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Why Mark?
I never take drugs. - I say stay away!! Or the drugs will fall from the table!!
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How can environmental scientists stay on top of the global warming issue?
They climate.
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What's the deal with the Z Fighters?
They aren't fighting to stay awake!
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What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog
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What's Bruce Lee's favorite hotel to stay at?
The HYATT!!
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How did you manage to stay single for so long?
Single Handedly
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What always stays hot in the refrigerator?
Horseradish
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What did the yoga teacher say to her land lord when he tried to evict her?
Nah Imma stay
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Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
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What's the difference between the England football team and a teabag?
The teabag stays longer in the cup.
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What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here, I'll go on a head
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What did the Chinese fisherman say to his at-risk son?
Stay on the junk, and you'll go far.
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What do you get when you mix an Insomniac a Dyslexic and an Agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog
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Why did the policeman stay in bed today?
he was undercover *!*
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
He stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
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What do little green men do to stay in shape?
They do Yoda.
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Why is it better to date a woman with heavy thighs during the winter?
Your ears stay warmer.
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What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here, I'll go on ahead...."
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What's the difference between the English rugby team and a teabag?
A teabag stays in the cup longer! (im so sorry -)
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Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.
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What do dolphins use to stay clean?
All-porpoise cleaner.
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Why does Poland stay from Germany?
a couple decades ago they had a three way with Russia that ended poorly
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Whos there Ellen Ellen who?
Ellen Pao Oh k lol stay out.
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Why did the spy stay in bed?
To stay under cover
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What did the hat say to the coat stand?
You stay here, I'll go on a head.
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Whoa what do you do for a living?
I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!" *roundhouse kicks barista*
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What did the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac do?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
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What's the difference between England and an egg cup?
An egg can stay in the cup longer
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What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog
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What did the hippy say when he was told to get off the couch and get a job?
Namaste (pronounced:nah I'ma stay)
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Why can't anyone stay angry long with an actress?
Because she always makes up.
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Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?
They need space.
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What did the Buddhist say when asked if he'd like to move from Tibet to North Korea?
Nah. I'ma stay.
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What did one socket say to the other?
Stay grounded.
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What do you call a fruit that stays up very late to study for tests?
A: A cramberry.
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How do jockeys stay on their horses?
Jockey straps.
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a dog.
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What did the yogi say to his friends when they asked him to leave?
Nah I'ma stay"
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do with most of his time?
Stay up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
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Where'd the rabbi stay on business?
The L'Hyatt
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art?
Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming "stay away from me!"