Stone Jokes

  • Why was Jesus crucified instead of stoned?

    So Catholics could do this makes the sign of the cross, instead of this bangs self in head with fists.

  • Why did the Jamaican go to Syria?

    To get stoned

  • Why does a Belgian take a stone and a flashlight to bed?

    The stone to throw the lights out, the flashlight to check if the lights are really out

  • How many pot heads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Just one, we're stoned not stupid.

  • What did the stone say to the hill?

    Let's Rock and Roll.

  • What did one mountain say to the other mountain?

    Nothing. They were both stoned.

  • What's the difference between a Muslim woman and an American one?

    An American woman gets stoned *before* she commits adultery.

  • How would you tell if the Queen was stoned?

    Her Highness will tell you

  • What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?

    A hybrid

  • What's the cruelest curse to wish upon a single guy?

    I wish his hands were made of stone."

  • What's the best music to listen to while stoned?


  • What does The Rock said to his Girl Friend?

    Im Stoned :p

  • Why do drug dealers love muslim people?

    Because they always get stoned

  • What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?

    You skip them both.

  • Why shouldn't you give Muslim Women drugs?

    They'll get stoned. (Ba-dum tss)

  • What do you call it when a bunch of stoned poets overthrow the government?

    A Haiku.

  • What did the Queen fans say at the stoning?

    We will We will Rock you!

  • What do you call mexicans who are stoned?

    Baked beans.

  • Why do marble statues look so mean?

    A: They have hearts of stone.

  • What would the punishment be for smoking a joint in the times of Jesus Christ?

    You would get stoned. And then get rocks thrown at you.

  • Who's there A gorgon. A gorgon who?

    420 gaze it. Geddit. Because then you'd be stoned Okay, sorry I'll leave.

  • What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

    The drunk driver runs the stop sign. The stoned driver waits for it to turn green.

  • What would happen if The Styx and The Stones got a band together?

    It wood rock.

  • What happened to the muslim who smoked weed?

    They got stoned

  • Why didn't the rock make it to work today?

    He was stoned

  • What would Game of Thrones be called if it was about ice cream?

    Game of Cones If it was about sword sharpening: Game of Hones If it was just everyone playing Go: Game of Stones If everyone was single: Game of Alones If it was about balls: Game of Throwns If it was about spooky scary skeletons: Game of Bones If everyone used UAVs to fight: Game of Drones If everyone was a banker: Game of Loans If it was about breakfast foods: Game of Scones

  • Why should you not throw stones at a knight?

    Because heavy metal is harder than rock.

  • How much does a rock weigh?

    One stone.

  • Why has Stonehenge been there since 2000 BC?

    because it's stoned.

  • What did the Time Traveller find when he brought a joint to Ancient Greece?

    The Philosophers Stoned

  • What's the difference between a drunk driver, and a stoned driver?

    The drunk driver will drive right through a stop sign. The stoned driver will stop and wait for it to turn green.

  • What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

    If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

  • What happens when you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia?

    You get stoned.

  • What do you call a man of high authority, stoned out of his mind strolling along in the forest?


  • What word allows you to take away two letters and get one?


  • What happens when you smoke pot in Saudi Arabia?

    You get stoned.

  • What do you call someone who gets stoned and baked?

    A witch.

  • What do women and stones have in common?

    You skip the flat ones.

  • What do you call a stoned pig?

    Baked Ham

  • What does weed and the Quran have in common?

    If you burn it you get stoned

  • What do you call a drunk muslim woman?


  • Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women?

    American women get stoned before they commit adultery..

  • What did the stoned alpaca say to the other stoned alpaca?

    Alpaca 'nother bong

  • What's the difference between a hippie and a geologist?

    Not much. One likes getting stones, the other likes getting stoned.

  • What do Saudi guys and girls have in common?

    They all get stoned constantly.

  • What do women in the Middle East and Millennials have in common?

    If they go to college, they'll probably get stoned.

  • What do Lena Dunham & ISIS have in common ?

    They both love stoning women.

  • Why do people call their weed the Koran?

    Because if your burn it, it gets you stoned

  • What happens when a rock gets high?

    He gets stoned.. Badum tsss

  • What did Medusa call the sheep she turned to stone?


  • Why were the Ten Commandments so powerful?

    Because they were set in stone.

  • Why don't you ever see any Muslim methheads?

    They all just get stoned instead.

  • Why did Medusa order pizza?

    Her boyfriend was stoned.

  • What do you call a country of grizzlies that is always stoned?

    A hibearnation.

  • How Do You Get Stoned in Ancient Rome?

    Start shouting Jehovah.

  • How easy is it to get stoned in Amsterdam?

    It's a piece of cake.

  • How is medusa like weed?

    She makes people stoned.

  • What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepard?

    The Stones say "hey you get off of my cloud!" The Shepard says "hey Mc Cloud get of of my ewe!"

  • Why were all Roman buildings made of stone?

    They crucified the carpenter.

  • What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country?

    Simple, you get stoned twice

  • What do Lena Dunham & ISIS have in common ?

    They both love stoning women.

  • What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?

    A: They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.