Talk Jokes
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How does Mario talk to the dead?
With a luigi board. Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.
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What did the banana say to the elephant?
Nick: I don't know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
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How easy is it for wind gusts to talk to each other?
It is a breeze
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What does Ellen Pao have in common with the girl's mom from 'The Sixth Sense'?
The both have no idea why everyone stopped talking and just stared at her.
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Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
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What's all this talk about Reddit's servers being down?
Guess I can't see what everyone else sees.
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What does TTYL mean?
I replied, "Talk to you later". So she responded, "No! Talk to me now! What does it mean "
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Why did the pony have such a hard time talking?
He was a little horse
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Who's there ! Aries ! Aries who ?
Aries a reason why I talk this way !
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Why do American tourists talk so loudly?
So that they can hear each other over their clothes
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What is the best way to talk to a vampire?
By long distance.
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What are you talking about?
I got my hair straightened out."
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What did the dog do with the history professor?
They got together and talked over old times.
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What joke did drake get when talking to diddy?
The punchline
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Who's there ! Bolivia ! Boliva who ?
Boliva me I know what I'm talking about !
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How many climate change deniers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What are you talking about? The bulb is fine.
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What is so ironic about Atheists?
A: they're always talking about God.
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What's the opposite of Stephen Hawking?
Stephen Talking.
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Why men like to fishing so much?
They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
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What do you call a yak that wants to talk to you about a network marketing opportunity?
A cognac
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What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?
One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.
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How do you pick out the extroverted engineer?
He's the one staring at YOUR feet when he talks
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What kind of vehicle swerved to miss a talking lizard in the road?
Dodged-a-Rango
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Why did the hipster break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't have all the 7" he kept talking about.
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What's more impressive than the talking dragon?
A spelling bee. Credit goes to a cheesestick wrapper!
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What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn't talk. Cashier: Ya, but what does it say Me: IT DOESN'T TALK. Cashier: Ok, Ma'am.
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What happened did someone try to break into your house?
Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
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How many dubstep fans does it take to wash a car?
One hundred and one. Two to wash it, one to dry it, and ninety eight to talk about how dirty it was.
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How many dub-step artists does it take to clean a bathtub?
100. One to actually clean it, and 99 to talk about how dirty it is.
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Which plant talks the most crap?
Shiitake mushrooms.
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How did the elephant get into the room?
We don't talk about it...
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What about yours?
Me:I wouldn't know... I don't talk to him about you...
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What do you call the 12 step program for people who talk too much?
On and on anon.
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What do you call a fugitive, talking down to you while fleeing down the stairs?
a condescending con descending.
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What did the apple say to the banana?
Nothing -- apples don't talk!
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What do you call it when you talk to God?
Praying. Now what do you call it when God talks to you? Schizophrenia, it's called schizophrenia.
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What did the pastry from Denmark say to the pastry from Norway?
Hey, I'm Danish. JK they're pastries, they can't talk.
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What does an egg say to another egg?
Nothing, eggs can't talk.
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Why did the clam get in an accident?
He was talking on his shellphone.
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Why are dogs and engineers alike ?
They both have intelligent eyes, but neither can talk properly.
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Why can't the sun talk?
First post) It doesn't have an ellipse.
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What do you call a bug that can't talk?
A hoarse fly.
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What do get if you cross a parrot and a crocodile?
A: An animal that talks your head off.
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Why don't taxi drivers talk to each other?
They already know everything.
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How many telemarkers does it take to change a light bulb?
3. One to change the bulb and two to talk about how beautiful the turns were.
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When a guy texts "your beautiful," reply with "my beautiful what?
then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.
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Why shouldn't you talk to someone with a brain tumor?
because they've got a lot on their mind.
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What animals talk on the telephone the most?
The yakety-yaks!
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How can you tell when an accountant is extroverted?
He looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
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What are you stupid?
That's a goat!" He says "I wasn't talking to you."
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How loud can you talk?
Alcohol
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Why does nobody ever talk about Jack the Ripper's sleazier French cousin?
Jock the stripper.
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Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?
me stops jumping: You would have said no
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Why can nobody understand sausages when they talk???
Because they speak in tongs. I'll show myself the door
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What do women want?
She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.
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What did the cat say to the human after being hit with a baseball bat?
Nothing. Cats don't freaking talk.
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Why did the bee started talking poetry ?
He was waxing lyrical !
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Why do black people talk funny?
They don't, it's a miff.
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What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?
A: Lonely
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What do prisoners used to talk to each other in jail?
Cell Phones.
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Why are none talking in the ladies sauna?
They are sitting on their lips!
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How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?
He looks at shoes when he's talking to you.
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Which perfume do you use ?
It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."
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What's worse than a talking parrot joke?
The Holocaust.
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Why didn't Sug Knight talk to the police?
Because the g is silent
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What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with...Unconventional.
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What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?
What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer? An introverted engineer looks at his feet when he talks to you. An extroverted engineer looks at YOUR feet when he talks to you!
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How do you tell the difference between an introvert or extrovert software engineer?
The extrovert looks at your feet when talking.
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What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker ?
A bird that talks in morse code !
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Who is it?
Police: Police. Me:What do u want Police: To talk. Me: How many r u Police: 2 Me: Talk to each other.
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How many yankees fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll just stand in the dark talking about how good the old one was.
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What do you get when you mix a public speaker with someone who had tourettes?
A clock! One provides the tic, the other provides the talk Credit to my Autistic Big Bro
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What's the difference between an introverted physicist and an extroverted physicist?
An extroverted physicist looks at shoes when they're talking to you.
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How many dubstep fans does it take to clean a shower?
100. 1 to actually clean the shower, and 99 to stand around and talk about how filthy it is.
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What did YOU think I'm talking about?
Weirdos!!
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What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark ?
A bird that will talk you ear off !
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When does 2-1=0 ?
When you're talking about choices.
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Why is she so loud?
Wife: That's how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
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Why do people always talk in absolutes?
I would never do that. It's the worst.
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Why can't an Italian snake talk?
Because it doesn't have any hands.
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What do the twin towers and genders have in common?
There used to be exactly two, and now it's too offensive to talk about.
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What illness are you suffering from if you keep seeing cartoon animals who talk?
Disney spells.
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What did the cold pipe say to the to hot pipe?
Nothing,pipes can't talk. Thank you
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Why does it take you forever to text me back?
3 hours later* Her: What are you talking about
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How would a pirate describe navigating Reddit on Talk like a Pirate Day?
Arduous.
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What did the cat say to the banana?
Banana. .. What did the cow say to the banana Banana. .. What did the goat say to the banana Baaah- nothing. Goats can't talk.
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Why are chemists such whores?
They keep talking about their nitrates
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How do the Kardashians tell a joke?
They get Kim to talk slowly to him.
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How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
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What next?
Damn. I guess we'll have talk to people in real life.
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Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!
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What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on Ant?
Nothing, Pink Panther doesn't talk!
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What did the banana say to the orange?
Fruit can't talk
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When you realise your friend is an idiot" Stories!?
Hey guys, I just recently found out that my friend is an idiot. I was talking with him on Facebook and I was telling him about this game that was free online, and he says "I'm on my way to see my girlfriend". I'm sorry but WHAT? well I have a fish tank. Feel free to comment down below your stories about how you realised your friend is an idiot.
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How do you get a parrot to talk properly ?
Send him to polytechnic !
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What did the banana say to the hippo?
Nothing bananas can't talk.
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How can you tell if someone is from New York?
They always talk about how they're from New York.
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What's this ticket, officer?
Loitering "I didn't drop trash" - No. Loitering. "You talk funny" - It's not- "I'm putting this on Twoiter"
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What do you call a nut that can't talk?
Nutin special. Credit to my 8 year old daughter who made that one up.
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How do you talk to an angel" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess?
How do you hold her close to where you are" Me: Aren't most angels men
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What's the opposite of a hot dog "Um...a cold cat?
Exactly. Now let's talk about Fluffy
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What did the tuba say to the clarinet?
Nothing, instruments don't talk.
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Why do hamburgers make poor pigeons?
They won't talk no matter how you grill them!
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Why can't two jealous people talk on the phone together?
It is always an insecure line!
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What would I do if Future tried talking to me?
I'd autotune him out. :)
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Why doctor?
Doctor: "Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting."
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What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent. H: Zoinks, like, there's a ghost! Let's get out of here Scoob! M: *swoons*
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Which is the month in which women talk the least?
February... because it has the least number of days
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What is cleverer than a talking cat ?
A spelling bee !
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What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
Popular
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Who's your Daddy?
In my excitement, I asked my girlfriend "How's your daddy " instead of "Who's your daddy " and now five hours later we're still talking about his diabetes...
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What did the dog say to the man?
Nothing stupid, dogs don't talk.
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How to elephants talk to each other ?
By 'elephone !
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What do you call it when a bunch of druggies talk to each other?
Joint-Discussion
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Why can't you talk to spiders who get shut in pianos?
They'll B flat
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Why are the citizens of Damascus so solemn when talking about oil?
A: Because it's Syria's business. (cross-post from by request)
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How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well first let's talk about the concept behind this whole "light bulb" thing.
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How Many A Cappella Singers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Twelve. Three to Physically Change the Bulb, Three to Talk About How Complicated it Was and Six to Call themselves Electricians.
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How do you know you're talking to a pilot?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.
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Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
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Why shouldn't we talk about Catholic Priests?
It's a touchy subject.
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What would gold say if it could talk?
A-U" :
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Why do wallets make so much noise?
Because money talks.
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What did the alien say to the gas pump ?
Don't you know its rude to stick your finger in your ear when I'm talking to you !
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How do you tell who the extroverted engineers are?
They're the ones who look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.
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What do you call the family members of the Force?
Force-kin My friend made this up today while talking about Star Wars.
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Why is it easy to talk to people who earn little pay?
Because they make cents!
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What do you say to someone who talked about you behind your back?
You discussed me.
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Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants?
They can stick to the subject!
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How many controlled oposition does it take to change a light bulb?
None you know of. Since they signed a Non Disclosure Agreement to not talk about it.
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Why can't you trust a garbage man who loves his job?
Because he's always talking trash.
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Why don't you people see how racist Pokemon Go is?
All of my friends are now talking about how they have to catch Amal.
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What did the dolphin say to the frog?
Eeeee eeee eeeee ieeeee eeee eee. Dolphins don't talk dummy.
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Why is 'The Game' the most powerful rapper?
Because you lose every time you talk about him ( )
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What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield?
You can actually get through the minefield alive.
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Why are people afraid to talk to black people?
Their scared they'll say something nigative
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How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and another to talk about how complicated it was.
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What do you call someone who talks to others in public restrooms?
A urinarrator.
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How does Dallas Cowboys fans change a lightbulb?
They don't... they just talk about how good the old one was.
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What ever happened to the Energizer Bunny?
So the other day I'm talking to a friend about what happened to the Energizer Bunny. It's been quite sometime since I've seen him appear in a commercial. I was always under the impression that he "kept going." My friend proceeds to tell me the Energizer Bunny was arrested last year ,and they charged him with battery. Now it all makes sense.
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When you talk to a good girl, ask 'How are you?
When you talk to a bad girl, ask 'How much are you '
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Who's there ! Baron ! Baron who ?
Baron mind who you're talking to !
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Why do women try to talk football?
Do you see me in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies No. You don't.
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What did the mathematician and the dentist talk about?
Calculus
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What is it called when you sleep talk about your subconscious feelings ?
A Freudian Sleep.
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How do you know you're talking to a sales guy?
He says "I'm not a sales guy".
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What does Mario use to talk to dead people?
A Luigi Board
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What do fish talk about at work?
Current events
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Which political discussions between the Russians and Americans keenly interest Burger Land citizens?
The SALT talks!
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What will men do for pleasure at that time?
God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.
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Where'd you get the pig"?
Woman: "How DARE you call my dog that!" Man: "I was talking to the dog!"
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Why do they say cleanliness is next to godliness?
Because every time i talk dirty to my wife she tells me to go to hell.
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What's the difference between fight club and veganism?
You don't talk about fight club.
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What should you do when people talk behind your back?
Fart
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How can you tell an engineer is an extrovert?
He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
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Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?
Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you. Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.
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What did a tree say to another tree?
Nothing, trees can't talk!
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Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?
Husband: Because when I get round to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say
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What do you call a little person who can talk to ghosts and just escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
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Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell?
Like if you're talking about them, you aren't having a rough enough time already.
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What did jesus say to the romans after he rose on the third day and talked about their behavior?
Yall nailed it.
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Why don't lamps talk?
They're antisocial lights.
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What did the banana say to the apple?
Nothing. Fruits can't talk. Idiot.
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Why was the heroin dealer arrested at the basketball game?
He was talking smack.
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How do cows talk to each other?
They cowmoonicate.
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Why do women talk so much?
Because they have 4 lips.
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What do you call rude fungi?
Shiit-talking mushrooms
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How did the Italian die?
Talking while driving.
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What did one coconut say to the other?
Oh my god a talking coconut!
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How do you stop an Italian from talking?
Tie his hands together
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What did the deaf Canadian say to the American that was talking?
Eh?
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How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting?
Talk in your sleep.
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What did the banana say to the human?
Nothing you idiot, bananas don't talk!
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What did the cocaine addict say to his drug of choice?
I'm kinda busy, I won't be able to stay any longer, smell ya later" PS: the addict died that day from severe delusions that his coke was talking blanket, lot of coke....
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What's green and says "hey I'm a frog"?
A talking frog! Stolen from "Friends" still hilarious.
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Why is the fungus such a hypocrite?
because it doesn't have mushroom to talk.
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Why do trash pandas always get into a fight?
They trash talk.
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What do you get when a deaf guy tries to talk to you at a urinal?
Wet
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How can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer?
They look at your feet instead of theirs.
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What happens when Jack is angry with his beans?
Jack and the beans talk
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Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking
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What do Jimmy Saville's victims and Aston Villa fans have in common?
They're still talking about what happened in 1982.
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Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let's talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
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What's even more impressive than a talking dog ?
A spelling bee!
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What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events?
A topical rainforest.
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How many talking heads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and another to spin the story until the bulb fits.
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How many didn't?
Ten. (Shame this one doesn't work too well for reddit - the funniest part of this joke is the third punchline enjoying people struggle to understand what the hell you're talking about.)
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What's up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts?
I don't even wanna talk to the living.
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What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
3.99 a minute.
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How do you know if an introvert likes you when you're talking to them?
They'll stare at your shoes instead of theirs.
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Why do mathematicians love talking about Jesus?
Because he's a cross product.
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What do you call guacamole that won't talk to you?
Incommunicado
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What do you say to a crazy person who's talking to themselves?
Hey, the person you're talking to said to give me a few bucks.
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What did one rock say to the other?
Ha, you really think rocks can talk
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Who is Bobby Long?
and why do all these reggae artists keep talking about wanting to burn him.
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What does a monster mom say to her kids at dinnertime?
Don't talk with someone in your mouth.
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What did the man say when he got a big phone bill?
Who said talk is cheap "
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How does a pirate reenact Travis Bickle's speech?
Are you talking to me?
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What did one hash brownie say to the other?
We're so baked. What did the stoner say to his friend? I'm so high,I can hear the brownies talking to each other.
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Why was the boat disobedient?
Nobody gave it a stern talking to.
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What did the owl say to the squirrel?
Nothing. Because owls don't talk. Then it ate the squirrel, because owls are birds of prey.
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What would a piggy-bank say if it could talk?
Coink! Coink!
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What is headache ?
5 minutes talk to wife.
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How the hell should I know?
Let me talk to a few criminals and see who they think is scariest."
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How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?
You have to read ursine.
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How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. 1 to screw it in and 2 to talk about how much better Neil Peart could've done it
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Why can't dinosaurs talk?
Because they're all dead.
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How do you keep a group of women from talking?
Ask the oldest one to speak first.
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Why is trigonometry so hard to talk about?
You always end up going off onto tangents.
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Why is that whenever we talk about pokemon, we sing the theme song?
Because I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was.
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What will ESPN talk about if both the Hawks and Rockets make it to the NBA final?
The NHL playoffs
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What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?
Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."
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Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital?
Doctor Dolittle
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What am I talking about?
A last name, you pervs.
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When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard?
Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid. I know how hard to punch her. I'm her mother.
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What'd you do?
PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You ME: I talked to like 4 people.
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What is the chemical formula for water?
Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about " Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
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Where does a cow go when he is so upset he doesn't feel like talking?
A moo'd specialist.
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What do you call a walking talking rat?
Keemstar
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How can you tell an introverted Techie from an extroverted Techie?
An extroverted Techie looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.
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Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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What do Monica Lewinsky and an Asian political correspondent have in common?
All they talk about is the presidential erection
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How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?
They look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.
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What do prisoners use to talk to each other?
Cell phones.
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How many Dallas Cowboys fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't. They just talk about when it did work.
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What's the funniest thing the rock said to the geologist ?
Nothing. Because rocks don't talk and geology's not funny.
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What did the cow say to the other cow?
HOLY SH*T A TALKING COW!
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How do you tell an introvert and an extrovert mathematician apart?
When talking to you, the extrovert mathematician looks at *your* shoes.
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Why don't people like talking about herpes?
It's a sore subject.
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Why couldn't the retarded man talk normally?
He was trying to hold the door
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Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?
So he wouldn't talk in his sleep
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on?
Stop talking in secret code.
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What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
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Why is it easy for chicks to talk ?
Because talk is cheep !
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How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it's a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
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What do you call someone who talks on their phone during dinner?
Cellfcentered
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Why is everyone talking about me?
They seem mad..." -Temp worker at Foot Locker
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How do pigs talk?
Swine language
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Why are you always pushing me around and talking behind my back?
I said, "well, you are in a wheelchair".
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What does a parrot named Larry talk about?
Vocabulary
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How do you know an engineer is an extrovert?
He stares at shoes while he talks to you.
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What is Christopher Reeves' favorite band?
The Talking Heads
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Why would I want to talk to your baby?
On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
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What do you mean he's your half son?
What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.
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Why were all the rednecks sitting around an ordinary potato waiting for it to talk?
It was a CommonTater I just made this up I swear
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How Many A Cappella Singers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Twelve. Three to Physically Change the Bulb, Three to Talk About How Complicated it Was and Six to Call themselves Electricians.
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How do you make a buff guy talk to you for hours?
ask about his routine.
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Why does noone listen ever to the guy who talks with his mouth full?
He is so misunderstood.
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How do you get a one armed Italian out of a tree?
You talk to him!
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Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don't talk.
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What's the deal with my laptop?
I'm sitting there typing and the battery drains, does this ever happen to you? So this little message pops up: Plug in or find another power source. Do you get that message? What other power source are they talking about? Well, I can't find that cable, so I'll go ahead and plug in to the hamster wheel generator I keep just in case. That's my other power source.
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What did the boy tell the priest in the confessional?
Nothing. It's rude to talk with your mouth full.
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What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding.
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What has 6 legs bits and talks in code ?
A morese-quito !
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Whats common between the world trade centres and genders?
There were once two but now they're too offensive to talk about.
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What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!