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Tell Jokes

  • How do you end an argument with a woman?

    Tell her to calm down. You're dead now but the argument is over.

  • Why was Cinderella kicked out of Walt Disney World?

    Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to start telling lies.

  • How can you tell when a white guy is about to tell a joke?

    He glances over his shoulder.

  • How can you tell if a girl is under 18?

    Ask her if she is a Bernie Sanders supporter.

  • What does a lion at the beach have in common with Christmas?

    They both have Sandy Claws.

  • Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around?

    Because time will tell.

  • How can you tell Cap'n Crunch is terrible?

    He hasn't been promoted since 1963...

  • What do you call a funny hill?

    Hilarious ... My little sister told me this and I wasn't expecting it at all. :

  • How can you tell if someone went to the gym?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • How do you know that you are a redditor?

    I'll tell you tomorrow.

  • How do the Kardashians tell a joke?

    They get Kim to talk slowly to him.

  • What did Miley Cyrus' dancing instructor tell her to do?

    Hometwerk

  • What is Santa saying to Mrs. Claus right now?

    I told you it would rain, dear.

  • How do you tell who the extroverted engineers are?

    They're the ones who look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.

  • What did the boy buy at the grocery store?

    Too Bad, I'm not telling you!

  • Why did Negan watch Arrested Development?

    Someone told him there were two Lucilles

  • How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

    Because it is not called a teethbrush.

  • What do you tell a conductor when they lose control of their orchestra?

    Go Bach and get a Handel on it!

  • Why did black people pick so much cotton?

    Because we told them to.

  • What did the melon tell her boyfriend when he proposed?

    Yes but we cantaloupe.

  • What type of jokes do planets tell each other?

    Cosmic jokes.

  • What stories are told by basketball players ?

    Tall stories !

  • How do you know if a complete stranger is vegan?

    They already told you.

  • How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?

    Tell her a joke at Christmas

  • Why couldn't the Pokemon tell a joke?

    Because he fainted.

  • Why did the boy take a pencil and paper to bed?

    He was told to draw the curtains before going to sleep.

  • What did the web server told the browser?

    My <BODY> is ready. What did the browser answer Please give me <HEAD> first.

  • How do you tell a Japanese girl you're breaking up with her ?

    You drop it on her twice.

  • How can you tell a blonde is being unfaithful?

    A: Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.

  • Why is ur wife shouting at you?

    Friend: she told me to upload her photo in FB, I uploaded in OLX... Mistakes do happen

  • Who's there ! Adam ! Adam who ?

    Adam up and tell me the total !

  • What is the hardest part about your wife telling you she has AIDS?

    Acting surprised.

  • How can you tell if your wife left you?

    You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!

  • How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry?

    It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!"

  • What can I get for you, Ma'am?

    She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

  • What an evolved soul?

    How'd he know Me: The judge told him.

  • What does Chris Brown tell his friends when he sees Rihanna at a party?

    I hit that.

  • Whats the difference between you and an orphan?

    You were adopted. Best told to siblings :D

  • How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

    Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

  • What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

    A! U!!! If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

  • Why should you never tell jokes on the ice?

    The ice might crack up! I use this at the beginning of conversations... it's a reall ice breaker.

  • What do you do if your computer hums?

    Tell it to change its socsks!

  • What would you guys like to ask an American?

    Nevermind they'll just tell you anyway

  • How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead?

    A. The remote control slips from his hand.

  • Why did the lady tell her doctor she had breast cancer?

    Because she wanted to get it off her chest.

  • How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

    A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

  • Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

    I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup " So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

  • What's green and hangs from trees?

    Elephant snot. Funniest part is seeing people's reaction when you tell it.

  • What's the difference between organized crime and the government?

    Only one of them is organized. Couldn't help but post this. Went to see a former mafia boss today, and that joke was told leading up to him speaking.

  • How do you tell the difference between an introvert or extrovert software engineer?

    The extrovert looks at your feet when talking.

  • Why did the superhero flush the toilet?

    It was his duty!!!! told to me by my 7yo son

  • How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?

    Look for gray hares.

  • How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one ?

    By her suntan !

  • How do you tell if you've posted an anitjoke in /r/Jokes?

    If someone comments saying you posted an antijoke and that you should rather post your joke in /r/antijokes.

  • How do you know if someone was in the navy?

    Oh don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • What do you do when you see a floating T.V. in the middle of the night?

    Tell Jamal to drop it

  • Why didn't Toronto's mayor tell us earlier about his drug use?

    It must have fallen through a crack.

  • How can you tell if someone is from Texas?

    Oh don't worry , they'll tell you

  • How can you tell if Lady Gaga is dead?

    Po-po-po-po-po-po-poke-her-face

  • How can you tell when Dracula is sick?

    By his coughin'

  • Why did the student do their multiplication problems on the floor?

    Their teacher told them not to use tables!

  • What's the best part about TCP jokes?

    I get to keep telling them until you get them.

  • How do you tell the time in the US?

    By looking at a bomb

  • How do you know someone went to Harvard?

    They tell you.

  • How do you keep a idiot occupied?

    I will tell you how in my next post- Jk the answer's in one of the comments, look through every single one and you are destined to discover the answer.

  • How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

    Only one but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

  • How can you tell if a California State coed is a good cook?

    She can get the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

  • Why did Helen Keller try lsd?

    Because she was told it makes you see things!

  • How do you tell how rich a black man is. By how many gold chains he has, how do you tell how rich a white man is?

    By how many slaves he has.

  • How do you tell the difference between members of the GOP and ISIS?

    Skin color.

  • How does a psychic cokehead tell the future?

    With a magic 8-ball

  • How do you confuse Hellen Keller?

    Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.

  • What do you tell someone from Moscow if he's in a hurry?

    Q: What do you tell someone from Moscow who is in a hurry? A: Quit Russian. Q: What do you call a Mexican pessimist? A: A Mexican't Q: What do you call a German who is urinating in an alley? A: A you're a peein'. Q: What does an Asian person have if their leg joints are socially awkward? A: Shy knees. Q: What is a Parisian country cover band's favorite song to play? A: "I've got France in low places."

  • How do you get half of Mexico to jump off a cliff?

    Throw a penny off. How do you get the other half to jump too? ... Tell them no one found it yet.

  • How can you tell what rank a Russian soldier is?

    Count the stripes on his track pants.

  • What did the mama pig say when junior pig bought a basket of wormy apples?

    Don't tell the farmer. He might charge us extra."

  • Why can't you tell knock knock jokes about freedom?

    Because freedom rings

  • How do you tell when a girl really wants you?

    When you put your hand down her pants you think you're feeding a horse.

  • How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

    Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

  • What do you call a group of 8 hobbits?

    a hobbyte Cortana told me that joke

  • What is a traitor?

    A tray shaped dinosaur. Credits go to the wife for that one! She still giggles when she tells it.

  • How do you tell if a girl is ticklish?

    You give her a test-tickle.

  • How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?

    Tell her a joke on a Monday!

  • Why is James Bond's favourite bartender played by Michael J Fox?

    He doesn't need to tell him to shake the martini.

  • What's the bad news?

    Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

  • How do you tell the difference between a triathlete and biathlete?

    A triathlete doesn't go both ways.

  • When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

    I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people......

  • Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

    So you can tell them apart from feminists.

  • How do I tell them apart?

    Her brother has a moustache.

  • How do you tell which truck is the mail truck?

    It has huge balls on it. Credit goes to the 70 year old man who just came into my work and made my day.

  • What did the Urologist tell his newly accepted resident?

    Urine.

  • How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome?

    Check their jeans.

  • What would you tell someone who is attempting to steal your cheese (hint: not "nacho cheese")?

    Leave my provolone!

  • How can you tell Oriental Dynasties are obese?

    Because they have hundreds of Qins

  • What did the apple tell the annoying orange?

    Citrus down.

  • How can you tell between a graphic designer and recruiter?

    Ask them to pronounce "hires"

  • Whats th first joke you remember hearing or that you told as a kid?

    Mine is: What is the white stuff in bird poop? (That is also bird poop.) edit: til you can't edit the topic to fix spelling errors...

  • How can you tell this joke was submitted by a woman?

    No, wait.

  • What does a terrorist tell hes son?

    Aim to the sky, maybe you'll shoot a plane.

  • What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

    Babe, it's a valve!"

  • How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?

    A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.

  • Why did the dyslexic man have slime on his face?

    Because I told him a good joke.

  • Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

    Because their horns don't work 8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here

  • What does the hippie bum say when you tell him he can no longer sleep on your couch?

    Namaste

  • Why did the pirate update his Macbook?

    His matey told him he needed an iPatch

  • How can you tell if someone is Italian?

    They'll tell you.

  • How do you know if someone's from Texas?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • What is harder than telling the difference between Chinese people?

    Telling the difference between Chinese people with down syndrome.

  • How many Karma whores does it take to screw on a lightbulb?

    When this reaches 500 upvotes I'll tell you.

  • Why did the cowboy get a dachshunds?

    Because once someone told him to get a long little doggie.

  • What's her name?

    Me: I'm not telling you. Him: What does it start with at least Me:

  • What did the hipster say... ...when he was told to get off the couch?

    Nah-imma-stay"

  • What would you say about someone who li kes to tell cancer jokes?

    That he has a sense of tumor (Courtesy of twitter.com/sorryforthelolz)

  • What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?

    This one will sleigh you !

  • How many black people does it take to change a light bulb?

    You can't tell it's in the dark

  • Why did Angelina tell Brad to do squats?

    Because she was tired of a bottomless pitt.

  • How can a black woman tell if she is pregnant?

    When she goes to pull out her tampon and all the cotton's been picked.

  • How can you tell vampirism is a disease?

    On account of the coffin.

  • How do you tell the difference between a physicist and a plumber?

    Ask them to say the word 'unionized'.

  • What did the annoyed husband tell his wife after she saw elk falling from the sky?

    Sigh* That's not elk... That's just reindeer.

  • How do you tell if someone online is American?

    They keep their caps locked and guns loaded. (Not the best and not original)

  • How to make your wife take care while driving?

    Tell her that if she meets with a serious accident, the newspaper will have to print her age.

  • How can you tell that your dog just gave birth?

    It is now a parent.

  • How does someone with amnesia tell a joke?

    I don't remember.

  • What do you tell a woman that has 37 stab wounds?

    Nothing, you already told her 37 times.

  • How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

    It is when the blind try to read your face

  • How many people does it take to tell a joke on reddit?

    Two. One to post the joke and one to post a better punchline in the comments.

  • How do you tell a British guy that it's his turn to play ball?

    Europe"

  • Which state?

    Me: Alaska. Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

  • How do you confuse a fish?

    You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner!

  • What did the atheist say when he saw Jesus?

    I can't believe this. What did he tell his atheist friend? You won't believe this.

  • What can you tell a black kid to do?

    Go visit his family tree.

  • Why did the midget get slapped?

    Because he told a woman how nice her hair smelled.

  • Why Can't America tell knock knock jokes?

    Cause' freedom RINGS!

  • What do you call it when a baby tells you off?

    A fedis.

  • Who was that at the door?

    Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. "

  • Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer?

    Pupil: You told me to put it in the Net.

  • Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out?

    I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.

  • Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?

    A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

  • What do you call someone who only tells knock-knock jokes?

    A Jehovah's Witness.

  • How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life ?

    Tell him a joke when he's a baby !

  • What did the car baby say to his car dad?

    Hey dad, let's tell a joke for car ma!

  • How do you know if someone has run a marathon?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • How can you tell a dog from a tomato?

    The tomato is red.

  • How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

    I'll tell you tomorrow.

  • Where do weirdos ride their bicycles?

    Psycho-paths. (as told by one of my coworkers)

  • What do you tell the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he picks up a miniature version of his weapons?

    Those are the wrong Sais.

  • What sweetie?

    Tell who what ! Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..

  • How many times does a blonde laugh at a joke?

    Three times - Once when you tell it, once when you explain it, and once when she gets it.

  • Why doesn't anyone tell jokes about Jonestown?

    The punchline is too long.

  • How many pork chops does it take to change a lightbulb?

    I don't know it's lard to tell.

  • How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?

    They gave her a basketball and told her to read.

  • Who was that on the phone Fred?

    Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !

  • How can you tell if a shark has dandruff?

    He left his head and shoulders on the beach.

  • How can you tell the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

    I dunno, I just repost them.

  • Why don't urologists hand out stickers their patients?

    Because they are always telling them "You're in trouble"

  • How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?

    poop.

  • How do you know if a joke has been posted on reddit before?

    Oh, they'll tell you.

  • What's the difference between Naruto and Bleach?

    No one ever told me to drink Naruto

  • How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?

    A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

  • Whores does it take to change a light bulb?

    If this gets 500 upvotes i'll tell you!

  • How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?

    You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.

  • What did the hippie say when his girlfriend told him to move out?

    Nah, I'm a stay. (namaste)

  • How can you tell if someone lifts?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • What did one plant say to the other plant that was annoying him?

    Please leaf me alone! Or I'll tell my mom, and you'll get in trouble.

  • What did music tell the pancakes?

    B flat.

  • Why the story tells that Cindarella was at the ball?

    Because the censor erased the letter "s".

  • Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

    Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.

  • What do you tell a woman with a black eye?

    Nothing, she's already been told twice.

  • What do you tell a smelly Japanese person?

    Takashawa.

  • How do you please all the people?

    Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!

  • What kind of fruit tells the best jokes?

    A punkin. Edit: and apparently not me.

  • How can you tell that you're getting old?

    You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

  • What's the most important part about telling a joke?

    Your PUN-unciation

  • Why did the monster put the cake in the freezer?

    Because he had been told to ice it.

  • How does she tell them apart?

    Their last names.

  • What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant ?

    An animal that tells you everything that it remembers !

  • What'd Gandhi say when his friend told him to leave the protest?

    Na 'ma ste

  • Where are you at?

    Me: Before I tell you let's talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

  • What's the difference between a vegan, a crossfit instructor, and a psychological test subject?

    The test subject is the only one you'd willingly ask to "tell us about yourself."

  • What did the gamer wife told his gamer husband after they got divorced?

    Good support in-game, bad in giving child support. gg no re

  • Why wasn't the patient concerned when she was told she had a brain tumor?

    The doctor said it was all in her head

  • How do you tell a deaf person to shut up?

    Here, hold this."

  • Why did little Johnny lose his ice cream?

    He got his by a bus. My little brother just told me this!

  • How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?

    A sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

  • How to do fit ten popes in a vw bug?

    Tell them to take off their hats

  • Why did a Mexican girl get pregnant?

    She was told to do an essay in school.

  • Why did the chemist break his teeth?

    He ate a Pb and j sandwich I'd tell you another but all the good jokes argon

  • How do you know your friend has been at the gym?

    Don't worry, he'll tell you.

  • Why can't you tell a joke in a cornfield?

    Because the stalks are all ears.

  • What kind of joke do you tell to a vegetarian?

    One they've never herbivore.

  • Why is a man's pee yellow, and his sperm white?

    So he can tell if he's coming or going.

  • Why should you not tell jokes to sand paper?

    It's a rough crowd ...Ba da bum chssh

  • How do you tell if you're a real gangster?

    Take a blud test OC

  • How can you tell if someone is schizophrenic?

    I'll let my friend answer that one:

  • When I see a "How am I driving?

    sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

  • How do you tell jokes?

    Repost :(

  • What do you call a Muslim Girl dating an Agnostic Guy?

    For safety purposes, I don't know if I should tell you her name..

  • How can you tell if a dictionary has been working out?

    You can see the definition.

  • How do you tell an X chromosome from a Y chromosome?

    Pull down its genes.

  • I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

    They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

  • How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent?

    It speaks in Polly-syllables!

  • What did the hippie say when somebody told him to get off of their couch?

    Namaste.

  • How can you tell, with 100% certainty, that no intelligent alien life exists that we know of?

    Because if it did, we'd have sent foreign aid by now.

  • What does Walter White say when he tells a knock-knock joke?

    I am the one who Knock-knocks.

  • What's the difference between Cheryl Crawford and dead embryos?

    Dead embryos don't tell on their mothers ...

  • What is logic?

    A mute telling a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a paraplegic running behind a bald guy while grabbing his hair.

  • How can you tell a cow isn't listening to you?

    Everything you say goes in one ear and out the udder!

  • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

    When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."

  • Why don't people tell Chemistry jokes?

    Because they never get a reaction.

  • How can you tell your boyfriend has gained weight?

    You fit into his clothes.

  • What the hell are you two doing?

    He demanded. His wife turned to the stranger and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

  • What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?

    I want hue.

  • How do you keep a idiot waiting?

    I'll tell you guys later.

  • What did the Spanish guidance counselor tell his students?

    You have to have gooooooaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllssssssssss!!!!!

  • How do you make an idiot easily wait ?

    I tell you tomorrow.

  • How do you make God laugh?

    Tell him your plans.

  • What does an unfunny person tell a salad?

    Teach me senpai!

  • How can you tell a redneck girl is a virgin?

    She can run faster than her brother.

  • What's do pot and pusssy have in common?

    You can tell the quality if you can smell it across the room.

  • What does a hippy say when you tell him to get off your couch?

    Namaste

  • How do you know if a guy has an asian wife?

    He'll tell you.

  • What did the gangster's son tells his dad when he failed his examination?

    Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I told them nothing!!!"

  • How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?

    You have to chew before you swallow!

  • Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?

    Cause he was told to get a long little doggy.

  • Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name?

    Worst. Spy. Ever.

  • What did the hippie say when you told him to leave your house?

    Namaste

  • How do you tell apart a Chinese from a Japanese?

    With a Geiger Counter.

  • What does Taylor Swift tell her boyfriend when he gets toilet paper stuck on his arse?

    Shake it off

  • What did Kris Kross tell the nervous paratrooper?

    Tell her you're a paratrooper. Chicks dig that kind of thing."

  • Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

    Because they always take things, literally.

  • What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?

    He charges you double.

  • How can you tell if a black woman is pregnant?

    When she pulls the tampon out the cotton is already picked.

  • Which dog can tell time?

    A watchdog.

  • How can you tell ignorance from indifference?

    I don't know and I don't care.

  • How can you tell a Belgian in a submarine?

    He's the one with a parachute on his back.

  • When you tell Optimus Prime a joke, what do you hear?

    Vehicular man's laughter

  • What do you say to Jennifer Anniston after she has been stabbed?

    So noone told you knife was gonna be this way?

  • How can you tell that a politician lies?

    His lips are moving

  • How can you tell if a cat is blonde?

    A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.

  • What kind of jokes does a priest tell?

    Dad jokes

  • How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

    Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

  • How do you tell if Lady Gaga is dead or not?

    You PO PO PO POKE HER FACE PO PO POKE HER FACE!

  • How can you tell when an accountant is extroverted?

    He looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

  • How can you tell if somebody's run a marathon?

    Wait 15 seconds, they'll tell you.

  • How do you know if something is art?

    People tell you."

  • How can you tell a dog from an elephant?

    The elephant remembers.

  • Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard?

    Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

  • How do you stop a ginger from drowning?

    You throw him a lifesaver and tell him to grab on to it.

  • What "YSK" means?

    Everyone keeps telling me that I should know...

  • How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician?

    An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes.

  • What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?

    They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.

  • What 3 things that tell the truth?

    Drunk men. Little children. Yoga pants.

  • What's that again?

    A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'

  • Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice?

    Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.

  • What' the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

    Anyone can roast beef, but not everyone can pea soup. (As told by my 8yo, who made me laugh with a joke for the first time. Proud dad moment.)

  • When you realise your friend is an idiot" Stories!?

    Hey guys, I just recently found out that my friend is an idiot. I was talking with him on Facebook and I was telling him about this game that was free online, and he says "I'm on my way to see my girlfriend". I'm sorry but WHAT? well I have a fish tank. Feel free to comment down below your stories about how you realised your friend is an idiot.

  • What do you get if you are telling puns while jogging?

    A running joke.

  • Why'd it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma?

    I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

  • How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

    Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

  • Why are you telling me this now?

    Vader: Luke: Vader: I need a kidney.

  • What did the hippy say when I told him to get off my couch?

    Namaste

  • What's that pig doing in the middle of the road with a red light on its head?

    Didn't you tell me to put out a stop swine

  • How do you make an idiot think he's a duck?

    Tell him he's a duck.

  • How can you tell when a girl is vegan?

    She'll tell you

  • What did Han.... Tell Leia after they separated?

    May Divorce be with you.*

  • How do you make a dumb person curious?

    I'll tell you tomorrow...

  • How do you know someone is from California?

    They tell you.

  • How do you compliment a girl with a cold sore?

    You tell her that her smile is contagious.

  • How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?

    Her food is potion-controlled.

  • What should I tell him?

    Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

  • How can you tell the inventor of the toothbrush was from West Virginia?

    If he was from anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.

  • What did the homeless yogi say when told to leave the yoga studio?

    Nah, I must stay.

  • How much liquor does it take before you start telling racist jokes?

    For me, it's about three fifths.

  • What's an Australian Kiss?

    A French kiss down under ;) *first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*

  • Why should you never mention the number 288?

    Because it's two gross! (A gross is a measurement unit for "144". So 2 * 144 = 288. Or "two gross".)

  • How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?

    One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.

  • Why did the melon break up with her melon boyfriend?

    He told her he *can't elope*.

  • What do you call a wheel with clothes?

    Attire. My brother told this to me and it gave me a chuckle.

  • How can you tell if a woman's picture is photoshopped?

    She isn't standing in the kitchen

  • How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?

    They look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you.

  • Why can't you believe what an atom tells you?

    Because they make up everything!

  • How can you tell when the stage is level?

    The drummer is drooling equally from both sides of his mouth.

  • Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

    You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

  • How do you find the pilot at a party?

    He'll tell you.

  • How do you tell if your eggs are rotten?

    If your kid has down syndrome.

  • What kind of pizzas can tell the future?

    Medium Pizzas

  • What did Captain Kirk do when his girlfriend told him she had a defecation fetish?

    William Shat-on-her

  • What is the worst part about being told you have Alzheimer's?

    It never happens just once.

  • Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant?

    Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

  • How do you tell a domesticated cat from a wild one?

    The domesticated doesnt have balls

  • What did the mother ghost tell the kid ghost when he went out to play?

    Don't get your sheets dirty!"

  • How can you tell that Caitlyn Jenner was once a man?

    Because she's better at being a woman than most women are.

  • What did one priest say to the other priest?

    Do you know where my son is " "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I'm a necrophiliac."

  • How do you confuse a blind person?

    Put them in a circular room and tell them to find the corner

  • How do I know?

    They have already told everybody about 6 times in 5 minutes

  • What did Muhammad Ali tell ISIS?

    IsIs Pretty soon y'all gonna be WasWas !

  • How can you tell if a ghost is about to faint?

    He gets pale as a sheet.

  • Where do you want to go for our anniversary?

    She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen "

  • What's the difference between a skeptic and a conspiracy theorist?

    You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

  • How can you tell if someone is a pilot?

    They'll just tell you.

  • What's the difference between Limburger cheese and my friend Ted?

    One is white and stinks, and the other is cheese. (As told to me by the UPS guy)

  • What happens if you see twin witches?

    You won't be able to tell witch witch is witch.

  • What's the difference between a school of children and a terrorist camp?

    I don't know, I just fly the drone Edit/apology: My friend said this to me, I thought I should share with you all, he said that I could post it here. 5 minutes later he told me he found it on reddit.... I'm sorry all.

  • How do you tell the difference between a terrorist and a tenured professor?

    You can negotiate with a terrorist.

  • What does a fish say when he hits concrete?

    Dam! A customer told me that joke, equipped with an " old guys rule" shirt and a hardy fist bump.

  • How do you tell X chromosomes from Y chromosomes?

    You pull down their genes.

  • What does the hippie say when you tell him to get off your couch?

    Namaste (better to say it aloud)

  • What do you tell someone who is bad at sign language?

    You have bad hand writing

  • What did the Japanese General say to his kamikaze trainee?

    Despite what everyone tells you, you'll never learn from your mistakes.

  • What are you allergic to?

    and can tell them Plant Spern

  • How do you tell if Lady Gaga is dead?

    You poker face!

  • What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

    Humphrey. (I was told this joke by an actual dad, it was his response to one of my jokes)

  • What would be Jeopardy?

    If this popular game show told a joke, it would put the punchline first.

  • Why are elephants grey ?

    So you can tell them from flamingos !

  • How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me" .

  • How can you tell if a girl is ticklish?

    Give her a couple of test tickles...

  • How do you tell when the Chinese move to town?

    When the Mexicans get car insurance.

  • What does Walter White say when someone tells him a knock-knock joke?

    Nothing, because he is the one who knocks.

  • Why don't eggs tell jokes?

    Because they would crack each other up.

  • How do you fit 10 Amish in a VW Beetle?

    A:Tell them you are going to the livestock auction

  • How can you tell if a girls tinder profile is fake?

    They're attractive!

  • How do you know if someone's an expert archer?

    Put an apple on your head & stand still he'll Tell you.

  • How can you tell there is a Canadian in your closet?

    You can hear someone scooting aboot in it

  • What is Checkmate?

    You tell your Wife, "I saw a lady, looked exactly like you" Wife asks, "WAS SHE BEAUTIFUL?" You cant say 'NO' You cant say 'YES' That is Checkmate!

  • Why did my local sandwich shop lose all of its workers??

    I was told they were sick of being subordinates.

  • How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?

    A: The bow is moving.

  • What are the three fastest forms of communication?

    Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.

  • How do you get a hippie to jump off a cliff?

    Tell them it will "cleanse toxins."

  • What do you call a smelly man who tells terrible jokes?

    PUN-GENT

  • How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?

    Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.

  • How can you tell when a Canadian is successful?

    He dies in his LA home at 82.

  • How do you tell the difference between a factory worker, and a chemist?

    Ask them to pronounce 'unionized'

  • What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?

    DAM! (airplane stewardess told me and had me on ground laughing)

  • Whats the most essential part of telling a joke about terrorism?

    an explosive punchline

  • How do you make a Gorilla laugh?

    Tell it an elephant joke!

  • How to you tell a naval officer from and RAF officer on an aircraft carrier?

    The naval officer is trying to feed bread to the helicopters!

  • Why did the kids tell jokes to the mirror?

    They wanted to see it crack up!

  • How can you tell an ant is a boy or girl?

    Throw it in water If it sinks = girl ant If it floats = buoyant

  • What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?

    If you answered "I don't know." I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up.

  • What do you call a pilot who tries to tell a joke but gets distracted and crashes his plane into a building?

    A comickaze

  • How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse?

    She's the one with dirty knees.

  • How can you tell the difference between normal and self-raising flour?

    One has parents

  • How can you tell which is the head nurse?

    The one with the dirty knees.

  • What do you say to a girlfriend who calls you a lazy couch potato?

    Well let me tell you...

  • How can you tell if someone has Alzheimer's?

    A. How can you tell if someone has Alzheimers?

  • What did the groundhog's trainer tell him before the Olympics?

    Gopher gold.

  • What did the policeman say when he was told about the large pothole?

    I'll look into it."

  • What did Nietzsche tell his editor when he finished writing Thus Spoke Zarathustra?

    It's over, man.

  • How do you tell a rabbit from a gorilla?

    A rabbit doesn't look like a gorilla.

  • How can you tell if your "designer clothes" are made in China?

    If they look fabric-cated Very bad, I know. "This is why we don't have friends!!"

  • What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

    A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I told them nothing."

  • What did off-center say to tilted?

    I don't know either he told me to askew!"

  • What do you call joke told by a duck?

    A wise quack.

  • How can you tell a mechanic got laid?

    He has one clean finger

  • When I fix someone's computer and they say "Wow how'd you do that?

    I tell them I'm a wizard then throw glitter in their face.

  • What's the worst thing about being a transgender?

    Having the women inside of you telling you what to do.

  • How can you tell a bernie sanders supporter from a hillary supporter?

    There age

  • Why is Santa always happy?

    Because he knows where the naughty girls live. (a kid told me this one)

  • How can you tell if a Redditor is an extrovert?

    During any conversation he's looking at YOUR shoes.

  • How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff?

    Straight jack it.

  • How can you tell if someone is from New York?

    They always talk about how they're from New York.

  • How do you tell a lonely geologist from a social one?

    The lonely one dated igneous rocks!

  • What's wrongdad?

    Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.

  • How do you know if someone's an engineer without asking them?

    Don't worry they'll tell you

  • How can you tell a black person is lying?

    His lips are moving.

  • How can you tell a mechanic has gotten lucky?

    He's got one clean finger!

  • Why are elephants grey?

    So you can tell them apart from blueberries!

  • Why do Kenyans always win marathons?

    At the end, they get a bag of chips and a Coke. -My dad told me this joke when we went to a race-

  • How do you know if your friend has an iPhone?

    They tell you.

  • What does a traffic light tells to another traffic light?

    Dont look at me I'm changing

  • How can you tell when there's an elephant in your sandwich?

    When it's too heavy to lift.

  • What is the penalty for telling a bad joke?

    The joke is it's own pun-ishment.

  • What did the manager of a log cutting company tell his employees when they were working too slow?

    Chop chop.

  • Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid?

    He was told not to play with his food.

  • How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?

    A: When the other tenors notice.

  • How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

    One. He is drunk, and he tells the bulb to screw itself.

  • What did Ned Stark say when his daughter told him that she was pregnant?

    Are ya?

  • When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I'm the guy that asks, "So, what did she say?

    I'm funny that way.

  • How do you confuse Pareto?

    Tell him you belong to "the" 20%.

  • What did the Mexican doctor tell the Lone Ranger?

    Estas muriendo. Tu necesitas chemo. Sabe?

  • What do you call someone who tells too many lame dinosaur jokes?

    I dino-bore! . I'm sorry.

  • Why did the cowboy get a daschund?

    Because someone told him to get along little doggie.

  • How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?

    By taste.

  • How do know if the person that you have just met is a DJ?

    They will tell you.

  • How can you tell a vampire has a cold?

    They start coffin.

  • How do you get Sigmund Freud to screw a lightbulb?

    Tell him the lightbulb is his mother.

  • What do you call a kid who tells bad jokes?

    A redditor

  • What do you call an alligator from India whose in charge of telling everyone what to do?

    A Deli-gator...I'll be here all week!

  • How can you tell when a bar is haunted?

    It's full of Boo's and Spirits.

  • Why did the Chinese man tell a joke?

    Just China be funny.

  • How do you tell an astronaut where they're going?

    Straight up.

  • How do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower?

    You give her a shovel and tell her to get to work.

  • How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?

    She's the one with dirty knees.

  • Why are there so many Asians?

    Its the food. There is too much raw dog. Heard it on Adam Carolla's Podcast. A caller phoned in and told it to Adam. Thought you guys would like it.

  • Why can't ducks tell jokes when they fly?

    Cause they would quack up.

  • Why should optometrists never tell jokes?

    Because they're too cornea.

  • What do you call an empty cheese whiz jar?

    Cheese Was! some old guy came up to me on the street and told me this one.

  • How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan?

    Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten minutes to answer.

  • What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?

    A. Telling you his real name.

  • How do you tell a chemist from a non-chemist?

    Ask them to pronounce 'unionized.'

  • How do you know someone's an engineer?

    No worries they will tell you

  • What's the hardest part about being a Vegan who does Crossfit and owns a Rescue dog?

    Deciding which to tell people first.

  • What did the flower say when she was begged not to tell a secret?

    Chrysanthemum's the word.

  • How do you know whether or not a redditor is Australian?

    They'll tell you.

  • Why can't you tell a Philosophy Student a good joke?

    You need to give a three hour lecture and turn in a research paper on "What is 'good' " first.

  • How do you know if someone is a vegetarian?

    He is going to tell you.

  • How do you know if someone doesn't like Football and isn't going to watch the Super Bowl?

    They'll tell you

  • Why don't we tell the people that every snowflake is unique?

    It's not like they'll ever really check "Let's do it"

  • How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?

    Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.

  • What do you tell a cow blocking a road?

    Mooove

  • What's all this?

    Bracken: Well you told me to bring all my records with me and I did. Here's some by Willie Nelson Tammy Wynette and Garth Brooks . . .

  • How do you tell a racist joke without getting in trouble?

    Write it down.

  • What did he tell people in order to make them avoid taking it?

    Eschew! Eschew!

  • What dog can tell the time ?

    A watch dog !

  • What do you want for your birthday?

    Me: You could get me a "world's best dad" mug. 4: You told me not to lie.

  • How do you confuse a feminist?

    Tell her you refuse to allow her to make you a sandwich.

  • How do u tell the population of a small native village?

    throw a bunch of pocket change in the middle of town. How do u tell who is the richest person in that village? Find the person who gathered the most change.

  • How can you tell someone is an engineer?

    They'll tell you! (Source: am an engineer)

  • How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb?

    You can hear their brooms tick!

  • How can you tell if a dinosaur is visiting your house?

    His tricycle will be parked outside.

  • What's the worst part about getting AIDS?

    Having to tell your friend his kids should get tested.

  • What did the time traveler say at the birthday party?

    I'd tell you happy birthday, but to me, you've been dead for centuries

  • Why do people love their smartphones so much?

    Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

  • What is the South American Music Scale?

    Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti No (This is a joke I wrote a loooonnngg time ago, tell me what you think.)

  • Why did the lady stare at the orange juice?

    Because she thought it was telling her to concentrate!

  • How can you tell Voldemort used the bathroom before you?

    He leaves a dark mark

  • How is a bell obedient?

    It sounds off only when it is told (tolled).

  • How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?

    What suppressive told you to change the light bulb Report to Ethics immediately!

  • What did the dumb blonde say when told that "Scheherezade" was composed by Rimsky-Korsakov ?

    A: "Why'd his mom choose to call him Rimsky of all names !! "

  • What do you tell a worried guitar?

    Don't fret

  • How do you tell the difference between a Fabric Designer and a Science Professor?

    Ask them to pronounce "LATEX"

  • How can a black woman tell if she's pregnant?

    When she takes out the tampon the cotton is already picked

  • How do you tell if a black woman is pregnant?

    All the cotton has been picked from her tampon.

  • What do you tell a hitchhiker with one leg?

    Hop in

  • How can you tell if someone does crossfit?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • How do you know the name of a Pokemon?

    It will tell you.

  • How can you tell if there is a pilot in the room?

    He will tell you.

  • How can you tell someone is a vegan, cross fitter, or an atheist?

    alt) Make a joke about them, and then they'll get real offended.

  • How do you tell if your scrotum is ticklish?

    Give it a couple test tickles

  • What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams?

    Shoot for the Tsars.

  • Why shouldn't you tell secrets on the farm?

    The corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beanstalk.

  • Why did Princess Diana divorce Prince Charles?

    She was always told a ruler was 12 inches!

  • How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert ?

    You get very lumpy ice cream !

  • Why are you home so early?

    Me: My boss told me to go to hell

  • How do you tell a chemist no?

    Nitrogen Monoxide

  • How can you tell if a potato is baked?

    It's are all red and glossy.

  • What does the Sargeant of the Knowledge division always tell his troops to get?

    in formation

  • Why can't you tell secrets in a corn field?

    Because, corn has ears!

  • What did the mother tomato tell the baby tomato when the baby tomato was walking too slow?

    Honey, walk faster, KETCHUP!

  • What's this for?

    He asked. "A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

  • How do you tell if someone is riding a bicycle for fitness or because they have a DUI?

    The cigarette.

  • What's the hardest thing about being a vegan crossfitter who went to Harvard?

    Figuring out what to tell you about first.

  • Why did no one laugh at the hot dogs joke?

    Because it was too cheesy. I work at a hot dog stand and tell this from time to time.

  • What signal tells you that a politician is lying?

    The lips are moving

  • How about the No Bucket Challenge?

    Basically you just give a charity some money and don't tell anyone about it.

  • How can you tell if you're on a Starcraft diet?

    Not enough minerals.

  • How can you tell when a politician is lying?

    When their lips move

  • How do you know if a guy was in the Navy SEALs?

    Don't worry, he'll tell you.

  • What did Tom Riddle's calculator tell Harry Potter?

    8008132

  • When is it okay to kick a midget in the balls?

    When he tells you that your wife's hair smells good.

  • What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader?

    I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes ... A FSHHH

  • How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?

    Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

  • How can you tell if a Mobile software developer isn't enjoying his job?

    He isn't very App-y

  • What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch?

    A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.

  • Why was 1 all salty?

    Someone told him it was 2's day.

  • What's yer Rush Limbaugh?

    Get back to me immediately and tell me if you love it or just like it.

  • Why did the little tugboat do what all of the other tugboats told him to do?

    Pier pressure

  • How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke?

    He's looking over his shoulder

  • What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7?

    I still love vista, baby

  • How do you tell the time in Antarctica?

    A:I don't know,Alaska guy and tell you

  • How can you tell that the movie Martian is not realistic?

    Because Americans use imperial unit system.

  • Why don't they tell jokes in base 8?

    Because seven ten eleven!

  • What did Kurtis Blow tell his son when teaching him how to drive?

    THESE are the brakes!

  • What did the husband tell his wife to do after he slapped her?

    The same thing he told her the first time!

  • What do you call a puppy in the desert?

    Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?

  • Why are mexicans bad firefighters?

    Because they cant tell jose from hose B

  • How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars?

    Well... If it's any constellation..."

  • How can you tell when the blonde's boyfriend's birthday is?

    when she has a belt-buckle imprint on her forehead

  • How can you tell if a Canadian is an existentialist?

    Instead of saying "I'm an existentialist, eh." They will say "I'm an existentialist, ... be."

  • How can you tell that the stage is level?

    The drummer is drooling out of sides of his mouth.

  • How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?

    A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top she's old enough. If it isn't cut the barrel down a bit.

  • Why shouldn't you tell a pirate your secrets?

    They ain't private ears. (I don't care if a six year old came to this first thirty years ago, it just came to me.)

  • What's the difference between a blue 7 and a red 4?

    3, duh. (My ex's 9 year old little sister told me this joke, and followed is up with: "and YOU'RE the math guy!" >< Burned.)

  • How do you make an egg laugh?

    Tell it a yolk.

  • How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

    Other lawyers look interested.

  • Why did Will die?

    Because the commanding officer told his soldiers: "Fire at will"

  • Why does the news keep telling people the pilot was depressed?

    Does any of this really matter...

  • How do you shut down all the nuclear reactors in the world?

    Tell the FineBros. about them

  • How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?

    A: There is writing on the White-out.

  • How can you tell when a Serbian girl isn't wearing any underwear?

    By the dandruff on her shoes.

  • How can you tell if you're in Detroit or across the river in Windsor Ontario Canada?

    Stand in the middle of the street. If someone yells, "hey, get out of the street" you're in the US. If they yell, "get out of the street, eh" you're in Canada

  • How do you know that someone likes to smoke weed?

    Don't worry they'll tell you.

  • How can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine?

    By how fast it sinks.

  • How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.

  • What did Moses say when Isaiah told him the levy had burst?

    God Dam It!

  • How do you tell if a lesbian installed your flooring?

    It's all tongue and groove.

  • What do you call a Hispanic woman with no legs?

    Consuelo! My mother told me this one

  • What did I have to tell the homeopathic drug addict?

    That's an oxy, moron!

  • What are some good dad jokes?

    I never had a dad to tell me any.

  • How do you know if someone has a Samsung phone without asking?

    Don't worry, they've already told you the superior qualities it has over all the other smart phones by this time.

  • Why didn't you tell me you have a small guitar?

    Boy:Because you didn't tell me I would be performing in a hall

  • What kind of insects to secret agents like?

    as told by my 9 yr old) Spiders.

  • Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog?

    Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.

  • Why did the oven go back to University?

    To get another degree. My sister thought it up and found it so funny she called to tell me.

  • Why couldn't the choir director figure out whether Alison Brie was alto soprano?

    Everytime he tried, he was told that she was young and that they tried not to sectionalise her.

  • What's the difference between a fish and an elephant?

    OC) You really can't tell the difference between a fish and an elephant

  • What did Nala tell Simba after seeing a herd of women on Black Friday?

    You gotta Mufasa"

  • How do you know if someone is a socialist?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • Why are rabbits never gold?

    How would you tell them apart from goldfish

  • How does Dr. Dre like to be told a story?

    Chronic-logically.

  • How can you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

    One is weasely identifiable while the other is stoatally different.

  • How do you excite an idiot?

    I'll tell you later.

  • How do you tell which plumber went home for lunch?

    He's the one with the clean finger.

  • How do you know you are sitting next to a ski instructor?

    They'll tell you.

  • How can you tell a hippie's been in your house?

    He's still there when you get home. What's he say when you tell him to leave? "Na, 'ma stay"

  • How can you tell what clan a Scottish man is from?

    Look under his kilt and if he has a quarter pounder then he is a McDonald.

  • How can you tell if someone is a chemistry major?

    They have a mole on their body.

  • How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood?

    The Blacks get car insurance.

  • How do you know you're talking to a pilot?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • How can you tell if it is a Salvador Dali painting?

    One of the clouds in the background is blowing another one.

  • What do you tell a diabetic girl in bed?

    Hi sugar

  • How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana?

    Try picking it up. If you can't it's either a monster or a giant banana.

  • How can you tell a mortician is a necrophiliac?

    He's always HARD at work.

  • How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?

    A: She sneezes.

  • What do you call a snowman who cons people?

    A snowfake I thought it was appropriate for this time of year. Merry Christmas reddit! You have my permission to tell this at any Xmas parties you attend

  • Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

    He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*

  • What did the surgeon tell Michael Jackson before he changed his skin colour?

    Everything's gonna be all white.

  • How does a witch tell time?

    With a witchwatch.

  • How many girls does it take to change a light bulb?

    I don't know, you tell me.

  • How do you get a blonde to marry you?

    Tell her she's pregnant.

  • How many times I have to tell you to stop making such a mess?

    Go to your room.."

  • How do you know you're speaking with an engineer?

    Don't worry they'll tell you.

  • How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?

    They'll tell you

  • What do you call an elephant with a poor memory?

    A bold and innovative departure from the hackneyed stereotypes that all too often dominate the joke-telling industry.

  • How does a cat tell time??

    In meowers

  • What is your favorite knick knock joke?

    Do tell.

  • How do you get high underwater?

    seaweed! lol my friends 12 yr old daughter told us this one

  • How do you tell the difference between Al Gore and the secret service when they're in the same room?

    Al Gore's the stiff one.

  • Why did the kid punch the bed?

    His mother told him to hit the hay.

  • How can you tell an old person from a young person?

    An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.

  • How can you tell someone is a true music lover?

    A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

  • How can you tell if a black guy is well hung?

    You can't fit your finger between the noose and his neck.

  • What's the new baby hippo's name?

    Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know he won't tell me.

  • Why does C-3PO always tell Han the Odds?

    Because he can't even.

  • How can you tell if a carpenter is happy?

    Check his spirit level.

  • How do you cure a mute coworker?

    Tell them a secret

  • Why did the 16 year old Mexican girl get pregnant?

    Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay.

  • How can you tell the difference between a thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

    The taste.

  • How can you tell the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

    Because if it were invented anywhere else, it'd be called a teethbrush.

  • How do you give a solipsist an existential crisis?

    You tell me.

  • How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

    Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

  • What did the necrophile say when his girlfriend told him to be more romantic?

    You're dead to me."

  • How can you tell?

    asked Mrs Jones "He just asked me if Cialis is right for him"

  • Why should you tell bad jokes to cocaine addicts?

    Because they'll crack up anyways

  • How do pirates get their hair to stand up?

    Sea-men. My brother told me that

  • Why do you hate me?

    me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

  • Whats the difference between a porsche and an erection?

    I dont have a porsche. (Best told by whispering in someones ear.)

  • What does a hippy tell you when you ask them to leave?

    Namaste

  • What do you tell a person with two swollen eyes ?

    Nothing, you already told 'em twice.

  • What dog do other dogs tell their problems to?

    A complaint Bernard!

  • How can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer?

    They look at your feet instead of theirs.

  • Why is stevie wonder always smiling?

    No one's told him he's black.

  • Why did the child have two black eyes?

    Because telling them once wasn't enough.

  • Why do Marlboro cigarettes have white filters in America, but yellow filters in Europe?

    So Keith Richards can tell which continent he's in.

  • What's the most stupid part about telling a rude joke on Reddit?

    Offensive)

  • How do you tell the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite Muslim?

    The Sunni's are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

  • When someone tells me they're a bodybuilder, I always ask "Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?

    because you can never be too careful.

  • Why did the blonde throw tic-tacs in her spaghetti?

    The recipe told her to mints her garlic.

  • What do you call 1,000 liberals at the bottom of the ocean?

    A good start! **an old joke that my dad used to tell at every party. You could replace "liberals" with pretty much anything.

  • What does the ISIS member say about telling good jokes?

    It's all in the execution."

  • How would you handle a complaint from a customer?

    Applicant: Well that depends, what's the complaint? Interviewer: He's complaining that his burger had onions on it, even though he specifically asked they were to be removed. Applicant: Well I'd start by telling him he's in the retail section.

  • Why do people procrastinate?

    I'll tell you later.

  • Whats the difference between a shower thought and a joke?

    I don't know you tell me.

  • How could you tell that the figure skater was a mathematician?

    Because of the Fibonacci sequins.

  • Which burgers can tell your fortune?

    Medium burgers!

  • How can you tell the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

    The picture doesn't scream when you hang it.

  • How can you tell if you're texting with a dyslexic pervert?

    You get this: ===D==8=

  • What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?

    A tale of whoa!

  • How do you tell them apart?

    Don't worry. They'll tell you.

  • What do you call a guy who likes telling "dad jokes"?

    A "groan" man...

  • Why is today John Philip Sousa Day?

    Because he told everyone to march fourth.

  • How Do You Tell 2 Scottsmen Apart?

    A: You lift their kilts, and whichever one has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!!

  • What did the farmer tell the hoe?

    Let's get dirty.

  • Why do American beer companies always advise that their beer should be served cold?

    So you can tell it apart from urine

  • What kind of jokes do farmers tell?

    CORNY JOKES!!!

  • How many karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb?

    When this gets 500 upvotes, I'll tell you the answer.

  • How do you tell when somebodies a vegan?

    You don't, they will tell you.

  • What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?

    A funny bunny

  • How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

    One you'll see in a while, the other you'll see later. Credit to Mitch hedburg

  • Why does vampire Superman want to go out?

    Because he doesn't want to be around the crypt tonight. (you can tell i made that up)

  • How do you tell a transgender from a real woman?

    The quality of the sandwich.

  • What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?

    Pupil: Dead I didn't even know he was sick!

  • Why didn't the scientist tell his colleague the t-value of a test with 21 degrees of freedom and a p-value of 5%?

    It was a t-crit! Thank you and goodnight!

  • How do you confuse an irishman?

    Lean 3 shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.

  • Who's there ! Cain ! Cain who ?

    Cain you tell !

  • How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro?

    because the owner will tell you

  • Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

    Daughter: You told me to change the baby.

  • How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook?

    Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.

  • How can you tell if a mechanic went home for lunch?

    One of his fingers is clean

  • How do you keep someone curious?

    I'll tell you on my next post

  • Why do gingers get sunburned so easily?

    It's nature's way of telling us to lock them indoors

  • What ever happened to the Energizer Bunny?

    So the other day I'm talking to a friend about what happened to the Energizer Bunny. It's been quite sometime since I've seen him appear in a commercial. I was always under the impression that he "kept going." My friend proceeds to tell me the Energizer Bunny was arrested last year ,and they charged him with battery. Now it all makes sense.

  • How can you tell if a man is happy?

    A. Who cares

  • Why can't you tell jokes in base 8?

    Because 7, 10, 11!

  • Why can't a terrorist tell a joke?

    They always bomb the punchline!

  • How can you tell if a fencer is a redditor?

    By how often he ripostes.

  • How do deaf people tell each other secrets ?

    They wear mittens.

  • How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?

    There's whiteout on the screen.

  • How can you tell a dog is a cool dog?

    It swags its tail.

  • What did the left eyebrow told to the right eyebrow?

    Hi brow

  • What do you tell a slow tomato?

    what Ketchup

  • Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking?

    I can't pair wines like this.

  • What did Wonder Woman tell The Flash when he saw that he was greying?

    I still find you dashing"

  • How do you tell the difference between a redditor and a MOBA player?

    Ask them what OP stands for.

  • What are four ways of spreading information that begins with "tel"?

    Telephone, telegram, television, and tell a woman.

  • How do you tell if someone is a safety engineer?

    They are wearing suspenders and a belt.

  • How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick?

    cause their cars are always Stalin

  • Why should you always finish telling your jokes to David Carradine?

    He doesn't like to be left hanging.

  • What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?

    A: A guitarist who'd told too many drummer jokes.

  • What did Noah tell his son while they were fishing?

    Better get this right, I only have 2 worms.

  • How do you tell a good farmer?

    He's outstanding in his field

  • What did the black mother name her 5 daughters?

    Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How did she tell them apart She called them by their last names!

  • How do you know if someone owns an Apple Watch?

    Don't worry, they will tell you.

  • How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?

    It has a rattle.

  • What's the best joke you ever heard?

    For me, it's gotta be Emo Phillips' Baptist joke. Although to tell it you've gotta get his execution down.

  • How can you tell which Russian olympic spectators are actually KGB agents?

    The ones with food.

  • How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?

    If it's a good one you will be able to talk about it later!

  • Why Won't Anyone Tell me the Name of Ukraine's 5th Largest City?

    They keep telling me to stop asking...

  • What did the mole say when someone told him there were entire above-ground civilizations?

    Holy moley, I didn't know that!"

  • How Can You Tell It's Fall In Florida?

    When the color of the license plates start to change.

  • What did the chinese guy tell the police when he was caught?

    You got the Wong guy.

  • How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Only one but he'll tell everybody.

  • Why do I tell jokes in elevators?

    Because they're funny on many levels.

  • How can you tell an introverted Techie from an extroverted Techie?

    An extroverted Techie looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you.

  • Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit ?

    So he could tell the time at night !

  • What do you tell a women with a black eye?

    Nothing, you already told her once.

  • How do Mexican peanuts tell time?

    cacawatches

  • What does Brock say?

    Ash told me you were in here and I should take a pikachu. I'm sorry...

  • How do you tell if a woman is a feminist?

    She'll tell you within five minutes.

  • How do you tell if somebody doesn't have a smartphone?

    Just wait, they'll tell you.

  • How do you convince America to join a war?

    Tell them its almost over

  • How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?

    A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant!

  • How does procrastination start?

    I'll tell you tomorrow.

  • Why do cows like being told jokes ?

    Because they like being amoosed !

  • How many 2nd trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    None. They can't get that high! (My band teacher told me that one today)

  • What did the author tell his publisher when he handed him a 600 pages instead of the 200 the publisher had asked for?

    Sorry, I overwrote your order. :-)

  • Why do women make bad engineers?

    Their whole lives they have been told 5 inches is 8

  • What is the type of humor do you hate the most?

    Dark humor... I hate it when black people tell jokes.

  • What did Aslan tell Lucy about the Witch and the Wardrobe?

    It's Narnia business.

  • When you gonna be famous?

    I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.'

  • Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

    because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

  • When O. J. Simpson's kids wanted to go out and play, what did he tell them?

    Go axe your mother."

  • How can you tell if a 14 year old smokes weed?

    Just wait. They'll tell you.

  • How do you know when there's a vegetarian at your bbq?

    They'll tell you.

  • How can you tell if a clock is hungry?

    It goes back for seconds

  • Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?

    She thought children should be seen and not herded!

  • What direction does a Walter White-themed GPS tell you to turn?

    Goddamn right.

  • How do you know if someone is an Alabama fan?

    Oh don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • Who's there ! Billy Bragg ! Billy Bragg who ?

    Billy Braggs too much tell him to stop it !

  • What did the Siamese twins from Iowa tell their date?

    It's February 1st. You going to caucas or not

  • How can you tell if a witch is racist?

    See if she'll perform black magic.

  • What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot?

    ISIS

  • How do you tell a bad joke from a good joke?

    You skip the punchline.

  • How do you tell if your Billy Idol fan girlfriend has a Three Stooges fetish?

    In the midnight hour she cried "Moe! Moe! Moe!"

  • How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

    Ask them to pronounce unionized.

  • What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world?

    You mean across

  • What do you tell someone who doesn't like Depeche Mode?

    Enjoy the silence.

  • Why do sumo wrestles shave their legs?

    So that you can tell them apart from feminists

  • What kind of stories does Eli Whitney tell on Easter?

    Cottontales

  • How can you tell if a Redditor is European?

    Don't worry, he'll tell you

  • How do you make an internet addict wait?

    I'll tell you later.

  • How do you make a motherboard?

    I asked him. He said, "Tell her about my job."

  • How do mathematicians scold their children?

    If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times ..."

  • Why does Bernie know he'll win the elections?

    Because his good friend Nostradamus told him he would.

  • How can you tell if someone is a marathon runner?

    Don't worry, they'll let you know.

  • Why don't people tell jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones?

    The punchline is too long.

  • How do you make a Snowman smile?

    Tell him the snowblower is coming.

  • Why are asymptomatic cardiology patients so trustworthy?

    Because they can't tell afib

  • How can you tell when Halloween is coming too soon?

    The sight of premature Ejack-o-lanterns in the neighborhood. I'm a Dad so this joke is OK

  • What did Ash tell his Pokemon?

    Pokemon Go!

  • How does a black mother tell her children apart?

    She remembers them by their last names.

  • How does a watch maker tell you he likes you?

    With a romantic tock.

  • What did the boy tell the priest in the confessional?

    Nothing. It's rude to talk with your mouth full.

  • How do you tell the difference between a computer scientist and an aspiring music artist?

    Ask them what 'unsigned' means.

  • Why'd you shave it off?

    Me: I just told you...

  • How do you know if someone is not a vegan?

    They don't tell you

  • How can you tell if a post on r/Jokes is unoriginal?

    It makes the front page.

  • How do you compliment a scarecrow?

    Tell him he's outstanding in his field!

  • How did the white girl get pregnant?

    Her teacher told her to do an essay. (ese)

  • How to tell if you're wearing too much Axe: 1. Are you wearing Axe?

    No- Good. Yes- That's too much.

  • How many times does 43 go into 9?

    The priest won't tell you, but *he knows*.

  • How do you tell a hypocrite from a normal person?

    The hypocrite's the one that exists.

  • How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?

    There is lotion and used tissues laying around

  • What would Hillary tell Bill when she will sit at the Oval Office?

    Close, Bill, but no cigar!"

  • How can a blind person tell if they're home?

    They check the architexture.

  • Why don't you tell secrets in a garden?

    Because the corn have ears, the potatos have eyes and the beanstalk.

  • How many Sandpeople does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    You never can tell. The Sandpeople always ride in single file to hide their numbers.

  • How do you tell 2 Scotsmen apart?

    You lift their kilts, and whichever one of them has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!

  • How do you confuse a polish laborer?

    Lay down three shovels and tell him to take his pick.

  • Why didn't they tell Chris Christie they took his pony away?

    He would've found it hard to digest.

  • What does a quantum physicist tell their toddler who keeps asking "Why" over and over?

    Because I saw so."

  • I was gonna tell you a joke about UDP...

    ...but you might not get it.

  • How can you tell if Asians have broken into your house?

    The dog is gone, the homework is done, and they're still trying to get out of the driveway.

  • How many Social Justice Warriors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None, just the one black guy they get to do it so they can tell him how oppressed he is.

  • How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros?

    Second Kangaroo: The elephant has a better memory.

  • Why did the man tell his mom to get him out of prison?

    She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.

  • How many times did I tell you to make your bed?

    Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

  • Where's Finnick?

    Odair he is! Obligatory: My brother told this to me while watching Mockingjay P2.

  • How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?

    Ask them to pronounce the following: **HIRES**

  • How do you tell if your girlfriend's ticklish?

    You give her a test tickle.

  • Why can't you tell a joke to a dwarf?

    Because it will go right over his head

  • How do you know a stranger could be an engineer?

    Don't worry they'll tell you.

  • What happened when Helium told a joke?

    There was no reaction

  • What are you doing crawling into school ten minutes late ?

    Pupil : Well you told me never to walk into school ten minutes late !

  • Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?

    Because she'd just "let it go". My 6 year old told me this. I will show myself out now...

  • How do you tell the difference between an X and Y chromosome?

    You pull down its genes.

  • How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space?

    It's a little meteor.

  • What is the appropriate response when your cat tells you a joke?

    You've gotta be kitten me. You can SPEAK?!?

  • How can you spot a vegan in a crowded lunch hall?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you and every other person there!

  • How do you know when someone is gluten free?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you. "Exit stage right...."

  • When is the only time a white NFL wide receiver is a good thing?

    When your sister tells you she's dating an NFL wide receiver.

  • What's the easiest way to tell if somebody's lying?

    He/she's not sitting or standing!

  • Why does nobody laugh at zombie-Peter Pan's jokes?

    He always tells them with a dead Pan face.

  • What do you say to a girl with a black eye?

    Nothing. You already told her.

  • How to tell if someone has Rhotacism?

    Ask them to pronounce it.

  • How can you tell when a fax has been sent by a blonde?

    When there's a stamp on it.

  • How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?

    A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

  • How can you tell that microchips are made in the US and not the UK?

    Because if they were made in the UK they would be called microcrisps.

  • How can you tell if a turkey is from Germany?

    By the way it Goebbels

  • Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

    Cause she was too big for B- shells! (my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

  • What does that tell you?

    4-year-old: I won.

  • Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

    I told her that drinks were on the house

  • What do you tell a woman who wants a larger outlook on life?

    Tell her to stand next to the kitchen window

  • How can you tell someone is vegan?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you

  • How can you tell that a baker's hands are on fire?

    He can't seem to *stop droppin' rolls*.

  • How would you tell if the Queen was stoned?

    Her Highness will tell you

  • How can you tell if a Finnish guy likes you?

    He's staring at your shoes instead of his own.

  • How much has this man had to drink?

    Nurse: "I can't tell." Dr: "It's ok; you can tell me. I'm a doctor"

  • Where were you?

    Uh, with my.. gf " Gf Well, tell us about her! What's her name commercial on tv uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

  • What do you call a person with memory problems telling a joke?

    To get to the other side.

  • What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a jar of glue?

    You: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Person getting told joke: What about the jar of glue? You: I knew you'd get stuck there

  • Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?

    So they can tell if they are going to work or going home while on the bus.

  • How could they tell Amy Winehouse was dead?

    No, seriously. How could they tell?

  • What did Batman tell Robin before Robin got in the car?

    Hey Robin get in the car"!

  • What did a lesbian frog tell another lesbian frog?

    Damm, we do taste like chicken!

  • How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree?

    Boy trees have woodpeckers.

  • What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio's face?

    Tell me a lie. Tell me the truth. Tell me a lie. Tell me the truth. Tell me a lie...

  • How do you offend a white person?

    Tell them they can't make racist jokes.

  • Where should I put this horse?

    When she tells you, say no

  • What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant?

    Is it mine"?

  • How can you tell when a German is joking?

    Don't worry, he will inform you after delivery of the punchline has taken place. Just a joke!

  • How do you get a New Yorker upset about ISIS terror attacks?

    Tell them ISIS are Red Sox fans.

  • What do drug dealers sit on?

    KUSHions please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is.

  • When is a dog not a dog?

    When it is pure bread. Told to me by a friend.

  • Why the big pause................................?

    Said the man in the pub to the bear. First heard this joke told by Eddie Izzard.

  • How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Idk, its too dark to tell them apart.

  • How can you tell if a hippie has been at your house?

    He's still there.

  • How do you know if someone has been to Florida?

    They'll tell you.

  • How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm ?

    it has a blue light !

  • How do you tell an introvert and an extrovert mathematician apart?

    When talking to you, the extrovert mathematician looks at *your* shoes.

  • How do you know when a vegan gets to the party?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • Why are guys so bad at math?

    They can't tell the difference between 3 inches and 9 inches.

  • What did the cow say to the paintbrush?

    Moo. As told by my kid this morning.

  • How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?

    A: He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead.

  • How can you tell God is a man?

    If God was a woman sperm would taste like chocolate

  • How do you tell Michael Jackson's age?

    You put a color scale next to his face.

  • Why can't clocks keep secrets?

    Because, time will always tell.

  • How do you find a vegan at your dinner party?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • What did I tell you about telling the truth?

    5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.

  • What do you tell a girl who won't stop asking for a tampon?

    Put a sock in it.

  • How can you tell that a black person used your computer?

    It's gone.

  • How do you know if someone is Puerto Rican?

    They tell you.

  • How can you tell the clan of a Scotsman?

    Look under his kilt, if it's a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald.

  • How do you electrocute a blonde?

    A: Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.

  • How are strippers and Subway workers similar?

    They'll both lie and tell you it's a footlong to get paid.

  • What did General Custer's advisors tell him before the Battle of Little Bighorn?

    Don't do it, it's Siouxicide

  • How do you tell a joke about ISIS?

    It's all about the execution

  • How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?

    You get a buzzy signal.

  • How does a black women tell she is pregnant?

    When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.

  • Why did the mathematician quit his job and join NASCAR?

    They told him he was good at deriving

  • Why did the spotted pigs run away?

    They thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on the dotted swine.

  • How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

    Ask him/her to pronounce unionized

  • Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?

    Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

  • What does a burning Mexican farm smell like?

    Tacos. Overheard an old man telling another guy how he lost his farm in Mexico , and how the smell reminded him of tacos.

  • How can you tell if a loaf of bread is a boy or girl?

    Feel around for the dough nuts

  • How Am I Doing?

    I'll Tell You How I'm Doing Volumes: 1-8

  • How can you tell if an American has a conceal carry permit?

    They'll tell you.

  • How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

    Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

  • Why can't Chinese people tie their shoes?

    I would love to tell you, but I am afraid the answer is a little bit lacist.

  • Why didn't Silento knock before coming inside?

    Because you already know who it's isss! My little sister told me this joke.

  • How do you tell if someone's an introvert?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • How can you tell when you have prostate cancer?

    It's not hard.

  • What food can tell you if a girl is pregnant?

    Chickpea

  • What Did Superman Tell Superwoman?

    Do you want to be in my Crib Tonight (Kryptonite)

  • What do you tell a cow that's in the way?

    Mooooooooooooove.

  • How do soldiers tell if a woman is a genuine Red-Head?

    If it's red on top, fire in the hole.

  • What did the hippy say when he was told to get off the couch and get a job?

    Namaste (pronounced:nah I'ma stay)

  • What did they tell the burger who enlisted in the Army?

    You've got no beef soldier!

  • How do you tell an Italian has a flat tire?

    Diego wop wop wop .

  • I can't tell if i like this blender...

    It keeps giving me mixed results.

  • When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?

    When his lips are shut.

  • How can you tell if someone is an entrepreneur?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you

  • Why can't you tell when a pterodactyl is going to the bathroom?

    Because the pee is silent.

  • How many suh boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    None, its already lit fam. I cannot take credit for this due to being told this joke by a freind. He was in fact lit af.

  • How can you tell if someone's a redditor,in real life?

    Ask them if they're on reddit. I'm sorry.

  • How do you offend homeless people?

    By telling them knock knock jokes!

  • How can you tell who's the head nurse at a hospital?

    It's the one who has knee pads on.

  • How do you tell the difference?

    I told him "It's easy! Julie has long blonde hair..." "..and Derek has a moustache"

  • How do you get Americans to join a World War?

    Tell them it's nearly finished.

  • What do you tell a metal head who's walking on an icy street?

    Slip not.

  • How can you tell if a Mexican is feeling sad?

    They're wearing a SOMBERERO

  • How do you tell the difference between a scientist and a plumber?

    Ask them to pronounce unionized.

  • How can you tell if someone loves bacon?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you that stupid vegan joke.

  • How do you know who in the room is a vegetarian?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base?

    I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.

  • What kind of shoes do they wear in Holland?

    Wooden shoe like me to tell you. Props to my 8-year-old daughter for this one

  • How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?

    A: By their names.

  • What do you call a joke that only works written down instead of told orally?

    A sic joke

  • How did the sad clown smile and laugh again?

    They told him his wife died recently.

  • How can you tell you are in a math teacher's garden?

    All the trees have square roots.

  • Why didn't Ronda go to Prom?

    she got Holm schooled told me to go here .

  • How does one know a man is going to say something smart?

    His senentences start with "A woman once told me.."

  • What do two sushi say after one tells a lame joke?

    Nigiri, please."

  • Why don't you just tell her how you feel?

    Well, alright." "Girl, I feel with my nerves."

  • Why shouldn't you tell a story to a solipsist?

    Because they won't believe it.

  • How do you know when someone smokes weed?

    Dont worry, they'll tell you.

  • How do you tell if someone is ticklish?

    Testicles.

  • How is your job and your wife different?

    I don't mind telling work the other jobs I've done

  • Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?

    GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

  • How do you tell two witches apart?

    You can't! You don't know which witch is which!

  • Why is Grace never thirsty?

    Because she's always drinking from the coup de Grace. (This was my sister's favourite joke when we were kids. Once our mum flipped out on a long car journey because she told it too many times).

  • Why did the feminist's bakery go out of business?

    She told people to stop patronizing her.

  • Why did God make women last?

    He didn't want someone telling him what to do

  • How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?

    All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

  • Why do they say cleanliness is next to godliness?

    Because every time i talk dirty to my wife she tells me to go to hell.

  • How can you tell if someone uses Apple products?

    Just wait and they'll tell you.

  • Who's there? Hotel. Hotel who?

    Ho, tell me where my money is!

  • How can you tell if your stormtroopers just played paintball in their freetime again?

    You can't.

  • How do you tell if a black mans been on your computer?

    It's not there.

  • However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible?

    He wasn't single.

  • Why can't you tell when a Pteradactyl goes to the toilet?

    Because the P is silent.

  • How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

    Swim down and knock on the hatch. (In Sweden we have a running tradition of telling jokes about stupid norwegians. They do the same about swedes)

  • What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?

    Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.

  • What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

    An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

  • How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player?

    Ask them if they play league.

  • What does amnesia mean?

    Someone told me but I forgot.

  • How can you tell if you're racist?

    You only pick out the K's when you take an eye exam.

  • How do you spot the vegan at a party?

    They'll tell you.

  • How can you tell when Mitt Romney is lying?

    His mouth is moving.

  • How do you know that someone you met is a Harvard graduate?

    He already told you so.

  • What did the German physicist use to drink his beer?

    Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.

  • What did the LGBT art teacher tell the kids to use when their projects needed glue ?

    wait for it ... wait for it ...) brucilage !!!!!!!!

  • How can you tell if a black women is pregnant?

    Put a tampon in her, take it out and see if the cottons picked off.

  • Why shouldn't you ask if someone's a Texan?

    Because if they are they'll tell you, and if they aren't you don't want to insult them.

  • How can you tell a chemist from a plumber?

    Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

  • Why don't people tell Jim Jones jokes?

    The punchline is too long.

  • Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?

    I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

  • What's worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend?

    When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

  • How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

    Ask them to say the word, "unionized".

  • How can you tell retarded kids form the art students?

    Retards don't wear Black.

  • How can you tell an engineer is an extrovert?

    He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

  • How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow-worm?

    He has a flashing light.

  • Why did the army's craftsman enact a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy?

    He didn't want any glaze in the military

  • How can you tell when an idiot's depressed?

    Go stand in front of a mirror

  • What kind of jokes does a mute clown tell?

    Dumb ones!

  • How can you tell that the hippie kid got laid?

    Two clean fingers.

  • How can you tell if a road is sad?

    It has low shoulders.

  • What is the definition of diplomacy?

    The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

  • How can you tell someone's a navy seal?

    they'll tell you in their novel.

  • What did Simba tell everyone in the lunch line?

    Musafa

  • How can you tell the pig is a failure as Easter bunny?

    By the egg on its face.

  • What do WNBA players make?

    Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share

  • What is the difference between dragons and dinosaurs?

    Dinosaurs aren't old enough to smoke. Told to me by my niece at christmas.

  • Why can't you tell Walter White a knock knock joke?

    Because HE is the one who knocks.

  • What's the difference between a married guy and a single guy?

    Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.

  • What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?

    She draws a smack!

  • What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy?

    The sky's the limit for you".

  • How can you tell a rich Swiss from a poor Swiss?

    The poor swiss washes his Mercedes by himself

  • What did the bad shock tell the good shock?

    I'm bad under pressure!! It's the lamest car joke in the world.

  • How do you tell if a girl in Nebraska is a virgin?

    She can outrun her brothers... *mic drop* "I'm out..."

  • What do you call a hydrocarbon that tells fart jokes?

    Crude Oil.

  • Where I from?

    Please tell me.

  • What's up ?

    Boy: If I tell you, will you sit on it

  • How can you tell if someone has a Jamaican accent?

    They roll their J's.

  • How did she tell them apart?

    She looked at their last names...

  • How do mute people tell each others secrets?

    They put on mittens.

  • What is the first rule of Womans fight club?

    Never tell anyone what are you so mad about

  • How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?

    Read the label.

  • What do you call a snake that tells bad jokes?

    A corn snake

  • What do you say to a woman with one black eye?

    Nothing, you've already told her.

  • How do you keep idiots waiting?

    I'll tell you later

  • How can you tell if the kid that stole your bike is half black and half polish?

    He's running down the street with the bike under his arm.

  • How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?

    When you ask them "2+2 is ?":

  • Why do women have trouble parking?

    Because men tell them that 6" is more than it actually is.

  • Who should get the cat?

    I don't know...let's see who he loves the most" 3 weeks later Can you tell "Nope"

  • What did the Chinese man say when ophthalmologist told him he had a cataract?

    No, I have a Rincoln Continental!*

  • How can you tell if there's a mosquito in your bed?

    By the "M" on his pajamas.

  • How can you tell the difference between a catholic, a baptist, and a Methodist?

    A baptist will run into a liquor store, buy their alcohol and run out. A Methodist will walk into a liquor store and say high to everyone, then buy their alcohol and walk out. A catholic will show up to the store completely hammered, hug everyone, get their alcohol and stumble their way out of the store.

  • Why don't Germans tell jokes about sausage?

    Because they are the wurst.

  • How many times do I have to tell you this Mom?

    I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.

  • What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction?

    Jet fuel can't melt steel beams

  • Where's your bin?

    A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin. "Hey bub, where's ya bin" "I took a little vacation for a few weeks," "No. I meant where's your bin?" "Told ya, vacation, at the beach!" "No man. Where's ya wheely bin?" "Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"

  • What's the best way to make friends?

    tell a woman you love her and she says "i think we're just friends..."

  • Where does a cow go to watch a film?

    The mooovies. pls tell to friends.

  • Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?

    Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

  • What's a difference between a teacher and a train?

    The teacher tells you to spit you gum out. The train says, "Chew, chew, chew!"

  • What would be your reply?

    Someone stops you in the middle of the road and asks you to tell him a good joke, What would be your reply?

  • How can you tell if someone with parkinsons has hypothermia?

    You can't. That's what makes it so funny.

  • What did the other nose say to the other nose when it was crying?

    It told it a Nak-Nak joke! (In my language Urdu, Nak means nose.)

  • How can you tell when an Italian car has a flat tire?

    Dago wop wop wop

  • How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?

    When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No

  • How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

    The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!

  • Where did Putin tell the protesters where to meet?

    Crimea River

  • How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?

    He looks at shoes when he's talking to you.

  • What are the keys made of?

    Me Uhh.. Rhino appears behind me Tell him Kyle

  • How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

    His lips are moving.

  • What did the homeless yoga instructor say when he was told to leave his camp site?

    Namaste.

  • What has eight arms and tells the time?

    A clocktopus Shoutout to the popper from my Xmas dinner

  • How do you know when someone's read the Game of Thrones books?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • How do you tell if someone's balls are sensitive?

    Give them a test-tickle

  • How can you tell when a vampire is sick?

    By his coffin!

  • What's the thing u don't tell a vampire?

    Bite me.

  • How can you tell when a skunk is angry?

    It raises a stink!

  • What jokes do you know that can only be understood if you know two (or more) languages?

    Like a joke that involves a pun on a word that has different meanings in different languages. Please tell us what languages they are in.

  • What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

  • How can you tell a woman is having a bad day?

    She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarette

  • How do you get out of Sunday school?

    You tell your mom you're Sikh.

  • How do you know you put the right joke in the right thread?

    Don't worry, someone will tell you.

  • What did one smell say to the odor?

    You stink at telling jokes."

  • Whats a mile long and has a thousand arms?

    The train to Auschwitz. Some German guy i used to play Path of Exile with told it to me.

  • How can you tell baseball players are smarter than football players?

    When was the last time you saw a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?

  • How can you tell that a straight pin is confused?

    Just look at it. It's headed in one direction and pointed in the other.

  • What's the difference between a carpenter and a construction worker?

    30 IQ points. This, as any carpenter will tell you, isn't a joke.

  • How does a tornado tell the time?

    It checks the tornado watch.

  • How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb?

    He said Nein My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.

  • What's the worst thing when being told you have Alzheimer's?

    It doesn't just happen the once.

  • Why cant programmers tell the difference between christmas and thanksgiving?

    Because oct 31 = dec 25

  • How can you tell when your drowning in milk?

    When it gets pasteurise.

  • How can you tell if a black man has been using your computer?

    It won't be there

  • How can you tell if the code is broken?

    SW Engineering joke) If India worked on it

  • How do you make beef stew?

    Tell a cow they're being watched.

  • What do you call someone who tells you they've successfully broken the Law of Excluded Middle?

    WRONG.** ... or right, or something in between.

  • How can you tell that someone's a vegan?

    Don't worry they'll tell you themselves.

  • Why did the mexican girl get pregnant?

    Because her teacher told her to do an essay

  • How do you tell the teams apart in Amish women's basketball?

    It's skirts versus shins.

  • My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

    I had to draw my own conclusions.

  • What's a procrastinator's favorite punchline?

    I'll tell you tomorrow

  • How do you tell the difference between a meth head and a hillbilly?

    The meth head still has teeth.

  • How can you tell if a duck has soul?

    If it's bill withers!

  • Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

    Because they're both cauldron

  • A grocery store cashier asked if I would like my milk in a bag.

    I told her 'No, thanks. The carton works fine.'

  • What's the difference between children and Isis?

    Drones can't tell either

  • What was the first thing Abraham Lincoln told his friends when they asked him how he got an STD?

    Four whore and seven beers ago....

  • How do you tell if there's a Pilot in the room?

    They've already told you.

  • Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times?

    A: Once when you tell it once when you tell her the punchline and once when she gets it.

  • What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?

    You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you

  • How can you tell if a Packers fan is mad at you?

    They grit their tooth at you.

  • How can you tell if you bought lube from Tumblr?

    Because it Lubri-Can't Even!

  • Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease?

    Because the condition was untweetable.

  • How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse at a hospital?

    She's the one with the dirty knees.

  • Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

    because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

  • How do you tell if someone is opposed to GMOs?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • How can you tell when Ron Jeremy is finished pumping gas?

    He pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car!

  • What do you tell someone who feels that life has shorted them from a purpose or calling?

    You belong.

  • How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

    You will see one later and one in a while.

  • Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

    Because they always take things literally

  • Why are MMA fighters told not to blow their nose when in a fight?

    Oops, this was supposed to be for . There's no punch line!

  • How can you tell who the head doctor is?

    They're the one with the dirtiest knees

  • How do you know whether somebody is a vegan?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall?

    Damn! (This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)

  • What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?

    A nun with a javelin in her throat. (The only joke I can ever recall when asked for one. Told to me by my art teacher in Grade 11. Needless to say, he was my favourite teacher)

  • What kinds of stories do dolphins tell around the campfire?

    They're just ghost stories for all in tents and porpoises.

  • How can you tell if a groom is Polish?

    He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.

  • Why are you just telling me now?

    He said, Because I couldn't stop laughing.

  • What did a bad teacher tell their wisecracking student?

    Don't get smart with me.

  • How do you save a suicidal procrastinator?

    Tell them it can probably wait 'til tomorrow.

  • How can you tell someone's an atheist?

    You can't. They'll always tell you first.

  • What the hell is going on here?

    Wife turns to the man and says "Told you he was stupid."

  • What did the oven tell the slice of bread?

    You're !

  • What did Jared Fogle say when his wife told him she wanted kids?

    Me too*

  • What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea?

    Getting the news from your dentist

  • How can you tell when a wine connoisseur is happy?

    They have a semillon!

  • How does a deaf and dumb tell a secret to another one?

    He wears mittens.

  • Why is it that arms tell the funniest jokes?

    Because they are humerus

  • What did airport security tell the Dentist?

    We need to give you a cavity search

  • What do monkeys sleep on?

    Apricots. I used to love this joke when I was a little kid and told it over and over. I'm still a little in love with it for that reason. What are some of your favorite jokes from when you were a little kid?

  • What did the French guy say when he forgot to tell his driver to turn left?

    Oh, gosh!

  • How do you congratulate the guy who won the best tie contest?

    You tell him... "that's definitely a win sir". Or if he did ok you can say you half win sir i suppose. :/

  • What did the farmer say when the townspeople told him all of his cows were in town..?

    I herd.

  • Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?

    Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken " Mother: "We need the eggs."

  • How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married?

    There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.

  • What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce?

    I did not see that coming.

  • What did the hotel clerk tell the guest with paruresis during check in?

    Your in 8.

  • How can you tell a black lady is pregnant?

    When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.

  • What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified?

    He gets a little cross.

  • How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    2...and don't ask me how they got in there. (My 87 year old grandma just told me this one)

  • How can you tell that truckers like nuts?

    They always have pecans! (Read aloud)

  • Why didn't the monk sell his temple?

    Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (:

  • How can the eurologist tell if he is looking at a man or woman?

    Well, there is a vast difference.

  • How can you tell the Ethiopian diplomat at a political function?

    He's the one with the gold Rolex around his neck.

  • How can you tell if a tornado is stupid?

    If it spins anti-cyclonically

  • How can you tell if a person is a vegetarian?

    Don't worry. They'll tell you they're a vegetarian.

  • Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?

    Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

  • How can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter?

    Don't worry, they'll let you know.

  • Why do Chinese people sound like lions when you tell them a joke?

    Because they ror.

  • How do you know when someone is a single mother?

    Don't worry! They will tell you!

  • Why does Stevie Wonder smile all the time?

    No one told him he's black.

  • What does the Cincinnati gorilla story tell us?

    It's the first time that black-on-black crime made national (even international) news.

  • How do you get an Aussie to climb up on the roof?

    Tell him drinks are on the house.

  • How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party?

    Look for his footprints in the ice cream.

  • What do you say to a woman with a black eye?

    Nothing. She's already been told.

  • What do you tell someone when you give them a high five?

    Here you go:

  • What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

    It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

  • Why is it never safe to tell a joke about corn?

    A corn has ears.

  • How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?

    A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

  • What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

    and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

  • Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?

    Me: I mustard the troops. General: ... Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

  • What's the difference between a camera and a foot?

    A camera has photos and a foot has five toes. (Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)

  • Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ?

    Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.

  • Why is King Kong big and hairy?

    So you can tell him apart from a gooseberry.

  • What did the tailor tell the thieving nun when he caught her red-handed?

    You better not make a habit out of this.

  • Why can't geometry teachers tell good jokes?

    They go off on tangents.

  • What do you tell an Irishman if you catch him urinating?

    European.

  • Why are south italian men so small?

    Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there

  • What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

    Shirley you can't be Sirius.

  • How do you know if someone grew up in New York City?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • How can you tell if someone who's just had a perm is on the phone?

    You get a frizzy signal!

  • How many r/jokes commenters does it take to change a light bulb?

    I don't know but that reminds me of a similar joke my uncle used to tell...

  • How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?

    His lips are moving.

  • How can you tell a redneck has got money?

    He gems out his dip cup

  • Why shouldn't you tell a philosophy major a joke?

    They don't find them Hume-erous.

  • What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot?

    An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!

  • How can you tell which end of a worm is which ?

    Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs !

  • What's the the key to telling an ISIS joke?

    The execution.

  • Why is it not a good idea to tell your parents about your failures while they are on an elevator?

    It would cause them to be disappointed on many different levels.

  • What's the difference between a good joke and a woman?

    The good joke doesn't get a black eye when you tell it a second time.

  • How can you tell if someone who's having a temper tantrum is on the phone?

    You get a tizzy signal!

  • What's the difference between a school teacher and a train?

    A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.

  • What's the definition of awful?

    Putting a bomb on a disabled person's back and telling him to run.

  • How can you tell if someone is ticklish?

    You use test tickles

  • How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse ?

    Try picking them up !

  • What do u call a Mexican who survives a shootout and lives to tell the tale?

    The Juan who lived.

  • How do you make an orphans hands bleed?

    Tell them to clap until daddy gets home

  • How do you fit 20 Cubans in a shoebox?

    How do you fit 20 Cubans in a shoebox? Tell them it floats!

  • Why do women make such horrible capenters?

    Because for years men have telling them that ---------------- is 8 inches long.

  • How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent?

    She starts her sentance with "A man once told me"

  • What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?

    I haven't seen you for a year!

  • What did one pizza tell the other pizza?

    A cheesy pun.

  • How can you tell if a person's a vegan?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.

  • How can you tell two people are married?

    Both are yelling at the same kid.

  • What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories ?

    A shaggy dogs tale !

  • How can you tell if a hippy came to your house?

    He's still there.

  • How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?

    When the big hand touches the little hand

  • How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?

    A: It is the one with the kickstand.

  • Why does the dyslexic Spanish speaker have a poor self image?

    His chemistry teacher told him he was mostly made of cabron.

  • What do you tell a mathematician if he does drugs?

    You're high-on-pot...enuse. Thanks Key&Peele, I'll see myself out.

  • How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

    Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

  • How do you ask someone if they're Vegan?

    You don't need to, they'll tell you

  • How can you tell if a farmer is a good farmer?

    He's out standing in his field

  • What is every young ladys ultimate Disney fantasy?

    To sit on Pinnochios face and hope he tells lies.

  • How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before?

    He has claw marks on his forehead.

  • What did the calculus teacher tell the crew of his submarine while they were diving?

    Derive, derive, derive!

  • How can you tell you are dealing with an extroverted engineer?

    He's staring at somebody else's shoes.

  • What did the imprisoned locksmith say after he told the inmates a bunch of bad jokes?

    I'll show myself out."

  • What's the three fastest ways of communication?

    Telephone, telegraph, and tell-a-woman.

  • How do you tell if water is true or false?

    Bring it to a bool.

  • Who can't tell the difference between short and long?

    This subreddit mods

  • How many times does a woman laugh after you tell her a joke?

    Three. When you tell it to her, then when you explain it to her, and then when she gets it.

  • Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

    They take things literally.

  • How do you tell a good joke on reddit?

    Wash it up over and over again until you get gold!

  • What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?

    A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

  • What does Dracula say when you tell him a new fact?

    Well fangcy that!

  • Who is there?

    A person that likes to tell anti jokes.

  • Why did North Korea tell South Korea not to crow about the recent agreement?

    Because they'd rather see them raven. Obligatory apology: saw a headline and couldn't resist.

  • What the difference between a Mexican and a bench?

    The bench can support a family my first post here, a friend told me this joke.

  • What is UK's favorite song line?

    And I'll tell you all about it when I EU again"

  • How do you like your new teacher ?

    Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one !

  • How do you know if somebody graduated from Harvard?

    They'll tell you.

  • Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?

    then just sit there for 5 years.

  • Why wouldn't the mouse tell the police where he hid the cheese?

    Because he's not a rat.

  • How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

    In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

  • How can you tell Sofia Vergara's children on the playground?

    They're the ones with stretch marks on their lips.

  • How do I big it?

    Silly dad, the internet told me all you have to do is be a Christian.

  • How can I buy the New York Times?

    He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

  • How many true friends do you believe you have?

    Me: Define "true friend." Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.

  • What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door?

    Triforce

  • Why do you want to be a librarian?

    Me: "I like telling people to be quiet."

  • How British is Adele ?

    She would call you at least 1000 times to tell how sorry she is .

  • Why do so many Australian men experience premature ejeculation?

    Because they cant wait to get out and tell all their friends about scoring.

  • Why am I here?

    Devil: You told people you'd say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times. Me: OK that's fair.

  • How can you tell elephants love to travel ?

    They are always packing their trunk !

  • What do hippies say when you tell them to get off your couch?

    Namaste

  • How bad is it, Doctor?

    Doc: Damn it I told you I'm a mine worker not a doctor. It's my name, idiot

  • Why did the pregnant woman love to tell jokes?

    Because she had a pun in the oven!

  • What kind of dog can tell time?

    A clockshund!

  • What are the 2 rules of success?

    No1 : Don't tell everything you know.

  • What's the worst thing about being a Jehovah's witness?

    Nobody asks, 'who's there ' when you try and tell a knock knock joke.

  • Why do adults like Legos so much, when they grow old?

    They can't lego of their childhood. Tell some more Lego puns, here!

  • Why are pirates so bad at telling jokes?

    Instead of 'knock knock', they say, 'Arrr you there !'

  • What do Ryan Giggs and Imogen Thomas have in common?

    I'm not allowed to tell you

  • How do you describe people who tell "I see dead people" jokes?

    They have a sixth sense of humor

  • How can you tell if your goose is depressed?

    It's feeling down.

  • How do you tell a dyslectic to take the left turn on the road?

    Turn toward your side!

  • What happens when a clown farts?

    It smells funny. --As told to me by an Engineering lead... Much facepalm ensued.

  • What does a 9 volt battery, and a pretty girls bumhole have in common?

    People tell you not to, but you're still going to put your tongue on it.

  • What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells?

    I WON this belt buckle, I OWN that truck, and I swear to God I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

  • Why was the orphan so successful?

    When he was told to "go big or go home," he only had one option. (I've posted this joke here before, but I believe I've been the first, so if you recognize it as a repost it's because I wanted to tell it again!)

  • How many times we need to tell you that she died?

    Man: It pleases me to listen that she died.

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