Thank Jokes

  • How much money do terrible movies make?

    Ridley Scott. Thank you.

  • Why did the physicist move across the street from the haunted graveyard?

    To observe spooky action at a distance! Thank you, I'll be here all week.

  • Where do chicken strips find love?

    Chicken tinder Thank you, to Popeye's Louisiana Kitchen's official Instagram for this gem

  • Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice?

    Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.

  • What did E.T.'s mother say when E.T. got home?

    Where on Earth have you been??!!" **Thank you, I'll be here all night... Edit: Thanks for da love Dr. Jones!

  • Why thank you... are you single?

    Girl: No, I am a dentist.

  • How did your first day as a lifeguard go?

    Me: "Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me."

  • Where did the coffee bean find his soul mate?

    Grinder (Thanks, Ellen)

  • Why won't Apple's new MacBook sell well?

    because it has NO FANS!!! (get it no fans ... thank you!! don't forget to tip your server.)

  • What do you call a teenage cheese cracker?

    Chee-zits I made this up. Thank you, thank you...thank you so much.

  • What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?

    Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.

  • What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

    Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!

  • Why do we never take the time to thank mislabeled concrete?

    It's mistaken for granite.

  • What do pirates say when they find buried treasure?

    Thanks for the gold!

  • How do you starve a Socialist?

    You hide their food stamps under their work boots. Edit Thank you /u/DoctorBrohoof for my first gold!

  • Where do Russian Spy's live?

    In a Snow Den. (This is a joke. Please refrain from yelling at me, that he is not a spy. Thank you and have a nice day.)

  • What did the man who survived a javelin headwound say to his opponent?

    Thanks for opening my mind.

  • Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

    Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

  • What did the redneck say when he lost his virginity?

    Thanks mum xD

  • What do u say?

    SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you

  • How do you say thank you to a New York sushi chef?


  • Why couldn't the Hungarian programmer buy a third long?

    Because he only had Forints! Thank you thank you, tip your waiter.

  • How old?

    Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time " Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."

  • What did the man say to his big breasted ex-wife?

    Thanks for the mammaries.

  • What did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed?

    Thanks for the handy cap.

  • What does A&W stand for?

    Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

  • Why did the cellphone go to court?

    Because it was charged with battery.

  • What's the difference between the armed forces and Comcast?

    Nobody ever says "Thank you for your service" to the latter.

  • What do cannibal say when they say grace?

    We thank you Lord for our daily dead!

  • What did the elephant say?

    What did the elephant say when it was pulled out of a pit by the Balls? Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Ball!

  • What kind of shoes do Frogs wear?

    Open Toad sandals... I'll show myself out - thank you

  • What do you call a person who helps teach others to fart?

    A tooter. (thanks, honey)

  • Why don't they play poker in the savanna?

    because there are too many cheetahs. Thank you i will be here all day.

  • Why thank u.. are u single?

    She:No, I'm a dentist

  • What's a caterpillar afraid of?

    A dogerpillar (Thank you Laffy Taffy for the worst best joke I've ever heard)

  • How long is the flight?

    A Polish man calls up an airline. "How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?" "One minute..." "Thank you."

  • Who am I to argue?

    So I thanked him and went back home.

  • What sound does Reddit make when it blows up?

    Pao! Edit: Whoa, FP gold. Thank you!

  • The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.

    Thank you very much, sir.

  • What did the baby say to its mom after breastfeeding?

    Thanks for the mammaries!

  • What's black, wears a bandana and ends the world?

    Tupacalypse. (thanks to my buddy Mike)

  • What does A&W stand for?

    Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

  • Why are Russians such bad pilots?

    Because they're always Stalin. Thank you, good night.

  • What do you call a dog that is underwater?

    A sub-woofer! Thank you, I'll be here all day.

  • Why do Russians always wear track suits?

    Because they are always RUSSIAN to places. thanks

  • What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

    They both slowly remove clogs. I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original. Thanks for the gold !

  • What would you like?

    ME:What would YOU like W:Excuse me M:No one ever asks you, do they W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

  • Why can't priests have children?

    Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.

  • What do you call someone who can't find a job?

    A Psych major. (Pls list your own response - if you're awake and in America at this time, you should have a pretty good one). Thanks.

  • What do you call a crazy introvert?

    A walnut. *crickets* Thank you, thank you.

  • What kind of pants to Mario and Luigi wear?

    Denim denim denim...denim denim demin I'll see myself out now...thank you

  • A grocery store cashier asked if I would like my milk in a bag.

    I told her 'No, thanks. The carton works fine.'

  • How did the Romans split up their empire?

    With a pair of Caesars. (Thanks )

  • What do you call enchilada sauce bkessed by a priest?

    A: HOLY MOLE' Thank you, I'll be in r/dadjokes all week!

  • How do you show your appreciation towards black holes?

    Thanks for nothing!

  • What kind of amphibian is hired to take your car away?

    Toad. Thanks, HammerElectionBeans for the edit.

  • What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner?

    Thank you I'll just have a slither.

  • What do you call a pirate who intentionally sets a fire at sea?

    An arrrrrsonist. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

  • What's the sound of a one-handed corpse clapping?

    Dead silence. What's the sound of a one-handed zombie clapping? Undead silence. Thanks to my gaming group for those.

  • What do you call an emo a capella group?

    Self Harmony Edit: #10 on /r/all! And thanks for the gold kind stranger!

  • What's the difference between the Oscars and the BET Awards?

    Oscar winners can thank BOTH of their parents.

  • What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed?

    A reptile dysfunction. Thank high me for that one.

  • What do you get when you cross a muppet with the Loch Ness monster?

    Messie Thank you and goodnight.

  • What do you call a dead chicken that likes to throw things?

    A geist. Thanks! I will show myself out.

  • What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?

    Thanks for the mammaries!

  • What did the cold pipe say to the to hot pipe?

    Nothing,pipes can't talk. Thank you

  • What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear?

    Thanks for the refill.

  • Why don't Southern girls engage in orgies?

    Too many thank-you notes.

  • Why didn't the scientist tell his colleague the t-value of a test with 21 degrees of freedom and a p-value of 5%?

    It was a t-crit! Thank you and goodnight!

  • Why did you leave your last job?

    I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"

  • Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

    He was making up for lost thyme. Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

  • What were Jesus' final words?

    So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.

  • How the hell did you get a body like that?

    he asked. "Thanks," I said, "That's very flattering." He said, "Not really mate."

  • Who's the only one who doesn't say thanks on Thanksgiving?

    The Turkey.

  • How a husband describe his wife?

    Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

  • What does Apu say when people leave him to browse reddit?

    Thank you, Karma gain

  • What's the Dumbest thing you've ever Done?

    Thank you very much for honest sharing.

  • What does Mrs. pancake say when you compliment her on her weight?

    Thank you, I'm flattened! I made this joke up on my drive home and am very proud of it. You monkeys better find it funny!

  • How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?

    By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!

  • What are the 5 best Vegetables of all time?

    tink about it. Gai lan, gai lan... gai lan, gai lan, and gai lan. (thanks to Chapelle show skit((making the band)))

  • Why did Tupac go to the gym?

    To get a sixpac! (Thank you 7th grade me)

  • How do french thank who save their files?

    Merci backup.

  • Why don't Canadians have many orgies?

    Too many thank-you notes.

  • Why don't chickens wear pants?

    Because their pecker is on their face.. Thank you, good night!

  • Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?

    through that door" Thank you very ruff! "What'd you say " *2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

  • Who is the best Native American to have around when you have a cold?

    The Hanky chief (Yes this is all my own work, I thank you) No I am not a dad

  • Where did I get my scarf?

    It's a CVS receipt. You love it Oh thank you very much.

  • What did your husband say?

    He said 'Thank you'. "

  • Why was the stadium so cool?

    it was full of fans. Thank thank you for your time

  • What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?

    Nothing wrapped in Emptiness. How did the birthday child respond? You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift. To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."

  • Why don't southern belles go to orgies any more?

    Too many thank you notes to write

  • What does someone from Alabama say after a one night stand?

    Wham, bam, thank you fam"

  • What is the car that everyone sleeps in?

    The Ford Siesta Many thanks to for that one.

  • What did the ocean say to the beach?

    Thanks for all the sediment.

  • What did the dad say when his daughter gave him gravel for his birthday?

    Thanks for sediments

  • What's the difference between reddit gold and the Greek drachma?

    People usually thank you for giving them reddit gold.

  • What is a pirates least favorite letter?

    Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connections for the following reasons: 1. Illegal downloading. Thank you, and have a nice day.

  • What, why?

    is it my hair Her: no Me: MY LOOKS! Her: no, it's your personality Me: oh thank god

  • Why do the French have so many civil wars?

    So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)

  • How does Winnie the Pooh open his honey pot?

    With his bear hands. Thank the Chive for that one.

  • What did the cow is standing all alone in a field say?

    Where are the udders? (Thanks to my three boys for that one!)

  • Where do American bees store their honey?

    In a USBee hive. Thank my ten year old for that one.

  • When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say "thank you"?

    instead of all this "how did you get in to my house " calling 9-11 business.

  • What's "saying grace?

    Me: It's when we thank the one who provided our food. 4-year-old: We thank the microwave

  • What did the pirate say after his successful pillage?

    Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

  • Why do programmers think Halloween's the same as Christmas?

    Because 31OCT == 25DEC (thank you very much)

  • When dad Waits to see you on thanks giving Son:We just Ate Dad:OK so you can be here at 5?

    Son:We'll see Son:how does the turkey smell Dad : I guess through its Beak

  • What did Jesus say to Melchior?

    Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

  • How about Epidural Anesthesia?

    I was like, 'Thanks, but I already picked a name.

  • What is a baby's favorite Fall Out Boy song?

    Thanks For The Mammaries

  • Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep?

    Because deep down, they're good people. Thanks Saul.

  • Why can't Africa have Volkswagen beetles?

    Because an elephant will screw anything with a trunk in the front. Thanks to a random guy outside of a 7/11.

  • Whatcha got, reddit?

    I am not funny and I need to be. I am writing a script for a short show that's formatted like "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. So that means one sentence about the topic, and then one liner joke. Thank you all!

  • How fast can Klingon's run?

    About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.

  • Why don't north Koreans listen to funk?

    Cos they've got no Seoul! Thank you very much.

  • Why don't birds have to wear camouflage?

    Joke: Why don't birds have to wear camouflage? Punch: Because they are already "in the skies". Thank you, I'll see myself out.

  • What did the doctor say to the speeding commuter?

    Thank you for your patients.

  • What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?

    A puppy eventually grows up and stops whining. Thanks to PuddinHead742 for this one.

  • How does Walter Palmer like his eggs?

    Poached. Thank you, I'm here all week. EDIT: this got no upvotes and I don't think it deserved any

  • How long does it take to fly to Boston?

    The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.

  • How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?

    I Excel at it." "Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir " "Word." Edit: thanks u/SteveJobsiGhost

  • What do you call a dog who loves to be dominated?

    A sub woofer. Thank you & God Bless