Think Jokes
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Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
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What did Stevie Wonder think when he got a cheese grater for christmas?
That it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
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What did one hand say to the other?
Help, I think I'm in glove".
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What's ten inches long and white?
Not a damn thing! I thought it was time we had some racist jokes towards someone who isn't black for once D
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What are they both thinking?
Don't look down.
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What did you do at school today?
Mark: We played a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam Mark: That's right.
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Why aren't there more jokes about Jim Jones?
I think it's because usually the punchline is too long
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What's black and blue and about to hurt someone?
Batman thinking about his dead parents.
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What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say Girlfriend: Are you done already?
Mistress: Are you done yet Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...
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Why did you leave me here all alone?
Where o where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found some one You met a zombie and pblblthpth you were gone.
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How do lesbians keep things interesting in the bedroom?
They think outside the box.
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What's the difference between a school of children and a terrorist camp?
I don't know, I just fly the drone Edit/apology: My friend said this to me, I thought I should share with you all, he said that I could post it here. 5 minutes later he told me he found it on reddit.... I'm sorry all.
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What's the difference between an American and a Briton?
Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.
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What do mosquitoes think of people who wear bug spray?
They are just OFF-full
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Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate?
He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.
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Where does the thumb meet its type?
At the SPACE BAR! reddit is fun! I'm staring at the keyboard tryin' to think up a joke and voila'!
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How many kids do you think Wolverine has?
Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn't look like he'd wear a rubber or pull out.
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Why did the pirate date the mermaid?
He thought finding X in her algebra would lead to booty.
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What is he doing now?
Friend: "Nothing" Me: "But I thought he got the job! " Friend: "Yes he did."
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How the hell should I know?
Let me talk to a few criminals and see who they think is scariest."
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Which do you think I should take?
Whichever you'll excel in, son."
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Why did the dolphin go to church?
He was looking for a porpoise. (thought this one up but I doubt I was the first one that did.)
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What game are you watching?
I wonder what she thought I was doing with my hands.
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When someone asks "You know what I think?
I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.
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What do you call a scientific measuring instrument with degrees?
A graduated cylinder. This is the only joke I've ever thought of.
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What's the funniest part of a boxing joke?
You'd think it'd be the punchline, but apparently it's funnier when the person feints...
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How hard do you think Joe Biden laughs when a senate's bill gets 69 votes?
I bet he has to leave the room.
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Why do some people think Python scripting is offensive?
Because white space matters. hehee
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Why are they rioting in Ferguson?
Because they carefully and objectively reviewed the evidence from the trial and thought a legitimate injustice had been done.
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What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!
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What's the best part of running a marathon?
Ha! You actually thought I ran a marathon! Jokes on you, I'm just drunk!
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What sort of a car has your dad got?
I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas.
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What did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed?
I think we're in sink."
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What do you call a teacher that's always late?
Mr. Bus (think about it)
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What flavor is it?
I think you mean 'what scent is it ' *with a mouthful of candle wax* -What
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What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do?
Wrong.
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Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?
She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.
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Why couldn't the physicist understand how boats work?
He thought nothing could possibly travel faster than sea.
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What do you think you're doing parking your car there?
Motorist: I thought it was good place. It says "Safety Zone."
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What's the craic?
2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.
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When you're away on a business trip, do you think about me?
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
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Why did I throw my phone out of my window?
Because I turned on airplane mode, and thought it would turn my Iphone into a plane...
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Why does it end with twenty?
he thinks to himself.
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How do pirates know they are pirates?
They think therefore they arrr
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What do frogs say that surf the internet?
Reddit reddit.. First joke i thought of. :)
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What gets wetter the more you dry?
A woman on a tumble dryer! (Bet you thought I was gonna say 'a towel', didn't you, silly redditors )
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Why wouldn't Samus go below Brinstar?
Because she was a-Kraid to. Now I think about it, this joke is a bit more "Riddle-y," than say an actual joke.
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Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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How can you know that you are insecure about what other people think of your post?
deleted
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Which one do you think is closer, Florida or the Moon?
The other blonde says, "Well duh! You can't see Florida from here."
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What's your Mom's name?
Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....
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Why did the man drowning in the river think he wasn't going to die?
He was in de-Nile.
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How many Tenors does it take to screw in a Lightbulb?
Trick Question. They only think they can reach that high.
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Why do Physicists make terrible parents?
They think their children are small enough to neglect! Adapted from a Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, I forget which one.
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How do pirates know that they exist?
They think, therefore they arrrr
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Why so long face?
Latvian say, "I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby."
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Why did the hipster fail chemistry?
He thought the bond was ironic.
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What do Chinos say when you take them off?
This was incredibly clever when I first thought of it but then I did some research...the closest they get to being Italian is that George Clooney was a "pioneer" for them: Reading that makes me never want to wear them again.
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Why did the pirate go to Ireland?
he thought he was going to Arrrland.
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How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE'S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
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What's a Pirate's favorite letter?
Rrrrrrrr? You think it be R but it be sea
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Why are millionaires bad at swimming?
Because they drown at their own wealth Edit: I got down voted :( I thought of that in my head and just wanted to share it
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Why does my Pirates of the Caribbean DVD have a piracy warning?
I think that pretty much goes without saying.
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Why did the lady stare at the orange juice?
Because she thought it was telling her to concentrate!
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Who is Superman's brother?
Supperman. Or his kid Soup-erman. One just gets to dinner on time and the other is really good and making soup. E: I thought of it in it in a dream so thats why its not so good
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Whats a pirates favourite letter???
Youd think itd be rrrrr but tis the sea.
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What did the teacher think of your idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb Teacher: Really what did she say Son: Baa!
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What do you call someone who can't think on their feet?
A paraplegic
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What's the difference between Jesus and Bono?
Jesus doesn't think he's Bono
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Why are people so worried about Hurricane Matthew's wind speeds?
I thought CAT4 was capped at 16Mbps.
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Why did the Aggie call 911 in the car wash?
He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a tornado
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Why did the man drowning in the Nile River think he wasn't going to die?
Because he was in de-nile.
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What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken. (Not sure if it's a repost, but I don't think I've seen it posted here.)
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What is a Brit's favorite letter?
You'd think it would be "T", but it is "U". *Favourite, btw.
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What's your job?
Programming. "What's your hobby " Programming. "What do you do when you're not programming " Think about programming.
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What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?
I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!
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How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?
He thinks one step ahead
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Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?
Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning Mr. Mayor." Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.
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Why did the blonde snort Nutrasweet?
Because she thought it was Diet Coke
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What do you call a dead skunk?
A stunk. My daughter made this up when she was about 7 years old. I thought it was incredible clever.
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What else can we think about?
Insomnia
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Where do you think you're going at this hour?
gun hangs head & turns around
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What do you think Michael Hastings was working on before he died?
slowing down his car. ... ... shoutout to for this one.
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Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy?
Because he thinks it doesn't matter if you make it or not
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What do I get when I pour my Root Beer into a square mug?
Just Beer. If you don't get it, think mathematically.
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Why did the T-Rex's girlfriend leave him?
Because he said he only loved her this much (hold out t-rex like arms) Sorry this one requires a bit of a visual, but I thought you guys might like it
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How many Biology undergrads does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but doing it will make them think they're going to be an electrician in the future.
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Why does Bob Seger always laugh when he plays chess?
He thinks it's funny how the Knight moves.
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How do you think bus driver interviews go?
Applicant: Sorry I'm late! Interviewer: You're hired!
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What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany?
Uncertainty or indifference ' He answered: I don't know and I don't care!'
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What do schizophrenic people think when they say an insensitive joke?
That sounded a lot better in my head
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How many Biology undergrads does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but doing it will make them think they're going to be an electrician in the future.
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Why were the 2 in love melons upset?
Because they cantaloupe. (The wife thought of this one... hopefully nobody else has posted it)
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What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm?
Girl: Apollo neck jumpers
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Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
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Why was the lobster upset?
Because he found out his friends thought he was a little crabby!
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What do you do when you get to the top of the world's tallest mountain?
Have a rest. (Everest, get it?) Really awful joke, but I thought of it last night and was wondering if anyone recognised it? Who knows, it might be original....
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How do fast food restaurants make so much money?
OC "They flip burgers for profit!" Just thought of this at a baseball game today, kinda quirky and simple!
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What did the Metis people think of the look on Stephen Harper's face when he lost the election?
They though it was Riel funny!
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Why were you driving around in circles and laughing?
Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round.
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Why did the gambler think he was in heaven?
He found his pair a' dice!
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How do you make an idiot think he's a duck?
Tell him he's a duck.
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What did the testicle say to the other testicle?
Between you and me, I think something's up." I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!
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What's the 6 things that's white on a black guy?
It's quite easy when you think about it. It's the inside of the hands, inside of the feet, the eyes, the teeth, the nails, and the owner.
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How do you think I feel?
I have to walk home alone"
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Why didn't Santa give presents to any world leaders?
Because he thinks they're part of the illumi-naughty
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Why did the Japanese American bring his server with him?
He thought they said internet camp
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Why did France really surrender to Germany?
Just thought of this earlier in the shower... Had gas ever since.
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What's the average IQ of a psychopath?
AWWW, HE THINKS I'M REALLY SMART.
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What did the management consultant think of his job?
It was the Bain of his existence.
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What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert?
Don't stop! Be leaving!" Just a joke I thought up the other day.
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What's going on?
Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet They think I'm pee!
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What do you call it when the women in the back of a mexican brothel talk after working all night?
Whorechata. Probably my best original, lemme know what you think.
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What do you call a couch stuffed with chic peas?
a hummus-sectional ba dum tish! I know that was bad. Please blame my boyfriend, he thought of it.
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What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
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Why did Samsung make the Galaxy Note 7 waterproof?
It can't catch fire underwater... I think.
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What do feminists and Redditors have in common?
They both have multiple triggers that will cause them to down vote those who don't think the exact same way as them.
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What does a conspiracy theorist say when he breaks up with someone?
I think we should start seeing other sheeple."
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Why do blondes smile when it's lightning?
A. Because, they think they are having their picture taken.
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Why did Snow White buy an android phone?
She thought the apple was poisoned.
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How does Walter Palmer like his eggs?
Poached. Thank you, I'm here all week. EDIT: this got no upvotes and I don't think it deserved any
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What did one saggy t*t say to the other saggy t*t?
If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
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What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand?
hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D ... wait what were YOU THINKING ! ! !
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What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?
What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? "FIRETRUCK"!!! What were you thinking? What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"? ..."POPCORN"!! What were you thinking?!?!?!
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What makes you think this is steak?
While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
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How did King George view the colonists?
He thought they were revolting
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What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?
ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...
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Why did the blonde snort splenda?
She thought it was diet coke.
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How many calls do I get?
cop: one me: What do you think is more likely a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel
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Why was the mole afraid of his own shadow?
Because he thought it was another mole, due to his poor eyesight.
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What's the real reason Lego Movie didn't get nominated for an Oscar?
They thought it was called "The Leo Movie".
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Why hasn't there been a Mexican Disney Princess?
Because everyone would just think it's a quinceaera
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What did the horse say to the other horse?
Hay,I thought you knew horses couldn't speak!
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What did the tie say to the neck?
I think I'll just hang around.
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What did the blonde's left leg say to the right leg?
Between us, I think we can make a lot of money!"
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What did the police officer say to stop the depressed man from jumping off the bridge?
You have potential. Sorry if this is a repost, just thought of it now.
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What did the Canadian eel say when the bartender asked him if he'd had enough?
No, I think I'd like some more-ay.
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Why did the T.V. break up with the remote?
She thought he was too controlling.
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What did the black hole say to the pulsar?
I don't think you understand the gravity of your situation
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What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer?
Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...
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What are we supposed to do about it?
Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."
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What do you call it again where you think of a tweet while you're offline so you have to say it out loud?
Conversation
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What did the vertebrate say to the invertebrate?
Always thought you was a bit spineless.
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How do you think his pants fit him?
Like a glove.
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What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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Why did they start using liquid soaps in prisons?
if you thought because you can't drop it, guess again) Because it takes longer to pick up.
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What did the baker say when he saw the beautiful woman?
I think I'm in loaf." Ba dum, tss.
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What are you thinking?
Because now I know and I am horrified.
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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?
Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P
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How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving
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How do you guys think the Germans will do in the Olympics this year?
Not too well considering they can't finish a race.
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What do you think Mozart is doing right now?
Decomposing.
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Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.
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Who?
Knock Knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 Who? I thought you said you would never forget!
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Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
A: She thought it was Diet Coke.
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What's the difference between Reddit and 4chan?
One is a group of immature internet trolls....and the other thinks it isn't.
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How much do you think I will be losing with this?
Pharmacist replies: Well ... around 200 bucks.
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Why are white people bad at chess?
They think all the white pieces are kings.
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Why did the Limestone feel unappreciated?
Because he thought people were taking him for granite.
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How did the private eye use math to find the intent of the crime?
He solved for y! Thought this one up myself and thought it was post worthy
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Who's there ! Cellar ! Cellar who ?
Cellar. No I think she can be repaired !
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Why does society think less of a man when he strikes a woman instead of sparing them?
Because a strike only requires one ball while a spare requires two balls
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What are you thinking of?
He says: "Nothing." and disappears.
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What is the difference between God and my love life?
Some people think God is real.
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Why is the pool table green?
If you got your balls kicked around, I think you would be green too.
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What does Leia say when she needs help?
I think I could use a Han here.
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What do you call a black person who smokes?
An e-cigger. I'm going to hell for thinking of this.
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Why do you think your report should be on the net?
Because my marks are all 'E's.
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What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!
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What did the pumpkin pie say to the cheesecake as they were going into the oven?
I think this is a set up!
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Why should the Pope play NBA basketball?
Because every time he puts up a prayer it gets answered. (I thought of this myself, but it is so corny, it could easily be in every damn joke book.)
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Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?
I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
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When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what?
We do.
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How many mottophobics does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Who do you think broke the filament in the first place
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What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin?
Countdown This was a joke I heard on TV some time ago ... Thought it was worth a share.
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Where do I see myself in ten years?
I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
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What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour?
Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.
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Why did the music industry talent scout take a course in game programming?
He thought it would help him with his hit detection.
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What's the difference between a doctor and God?
God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.
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What does an Australian chemist call is bro?
Bromate Sorry, just studying my poly atomic ions and thought I was clever. I thought wrong
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What do you call someone who thinks Vikings are the best?
a Norsissist.
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When you start getting older, you think, "why not just once?
Soon enough, you're addicted. And broke.
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Why did the table love playing volleyball?
Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.
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How would it be living in an only men city?
I think it would be tight at first, but then it would loosen up after a while.
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Why was most of Jesus' walk downtown very awkward?
Because his friend asked him when he thought they should cross.
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What do I think about my toes?
They couldn't be further from my mind.
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What if earth rotates 30 times faster?
Interviewer:"If the Earth rotates 30 times faster, what will happen?" engineer:"We will get our salary everyday" :D Think Greedily Act Confidently
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Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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What do mathematicians think about exponential functions?
They're radical.
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Why do molluscs only think of themselves?
Because they're shellfish
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How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn't easy
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What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?
Blue, you racists
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What's yellow and lies in a pond?
Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in english. What's yellow and lies in a pond? An excevator. You don't think this is funny? Neither does the operator.
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Why did the Egyptian kid in therapy?
Because he thought his daddy was his mummy.
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Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men?
Because he thought it was a delivery service.
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Why am I not asleep?
he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
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What do blacks and bikes have in common?
They both stop working when you take their chains off. Edit: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. By the way, got this from AskReddit.
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Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream!
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What's joke #1?
THIS IS NOT A JOKE I'm sure you all have heard the joke where has a number for each joke and that everyone just remembers the numbers instead for typing out the jokes. This always made me think "What would joke #1 be?" What do you think it'd be?
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What is the opposite of paranoia?
Thinking you are following someone.
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What did one rock say to the other?
Ha, you really think rocks can talk
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Who do you think cares?
Nobody. They're too angry at the mods at to care.
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What did the Mtis people think of the look on Stephen Harper's face when he lost the election?
They though it was Riel funny!
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What's the reason Bollywood Cast parties are awkward?
They think Cast is spelled with an e.
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Whats the worst thing about being dyslexic and having ADHD?
You think you've got AIDS
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How many fingers do I have up?
a gynecologist who thinks he's really funny
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What did they do to the burger who thought he was a rooster?
Cook-a-doodle-do!
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What do you get when astronomers play tic-tac-toe?
Exoplanets Thought that one up myself.
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Why did that guy shoot up the church in South Carolina?
He thought it was the white thing to do.
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What did YOU think I'm talking about?
Weirdos!!
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How many people from rio does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Brazilian. Saw this joke elsewhere and thought i'd share it here.
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What's Justin Bieber's favorite make of car?
Voltz-swaggin. I thought of this myself and I am so, so sorry.
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What's the difference between cab drivers and F1 drivers?
F1 driver doesn't think he's a cab driver
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What do you call an alligator that wins a race?
A chompion. (7-year old me thought he was very clever.)
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What did Reddit almost change their name to during the Victoria controversy?
Blueit. -just thought of it, sorry its a little late to the party
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What's the difference between Americans and Brits?
Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.
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What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.
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What did Chris Christie say when asked if he had plans to run in the 2016 presidential election?
After giving it a substantial amount of thought and discussing it with my advisors, I've decided against it. I mean, I'd love to, and I appreciate those who'd support me, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to take the stress mentally- and physically." After being asked what physical stress he'd experience, he responded: "I don't think I'd be able to handle that much running."
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Why couldn't the lizard be aroused?
He had a reptile dysfunction (I just made that up but I'm sure it's been thought of)
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Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?
Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...
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Whats a Pirates favorite letter?
Ya'll think it's the Arrr but it be the Ceeee
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How'd the date go?
Not good. Too many red flags. *Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags* I think she might be a communist.
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What is a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?
Well, you might think that it'd be Arrrrby's, but they are actually quite fond of Long John Silvers.
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Why do people in wheelchairs wear shoes?
Do they think they're gonna magically start walking
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What does Matthew McConaughey think about an all white, Republican Government?
Altright, altright, altright
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Why did the remorseful child-molester paint his toe-nails?
He thought it would be a pedicure. sorry.
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What do you think you're going to be doing in 5 years?
Me: I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision
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How do you fit 50 elephants into a subway station?
You take the letter "f" out of the word "way" (there's no f in way) *joke works best when the person being asked the question has to think about it for some time and says the phrase themselves without realizing what they said
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What did Stevie Wonder's younger brother think their parents named him after British royalty?
Because they named him Stevie Twoder.
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Why did the citizen run for Sewer Commissioner?
He thought it was his civic doodie!
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What's the last thing you want to see on the reddit frontpage?
This joke. PS: You don't think so Prove me wrong.
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What did you think of our website?
A little bit tacky.
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What did the critic think of German food?
Their sausages are the wurst.
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What's the best part about living in a black family?
You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost
-
How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut: idk, maybe don't hire Cheryl
-
What did Hamlet say when he was thinking of sending a message?
To e or not to e that is the question.
-
How do you think the whole Deflategate situation feels to Tom Brady now?
Probably doesn't feel how he prefers it to...
-
How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this?
Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is
-
How do I know ur not a cop?
If I was a cop would I do this " *Starts break dancing* That's not as much proof as you think it is
-
What do you guys think of message boards?
I'm all forum.
-
Why did the little black kid start crying when he had diarrhea?
He thought he was melting.
-
What have you been doing" asked Jane. "Chasing a herd of elephants on vines" "Really ?
said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground !"
-
What's your strongest weakness?
Candidate: ... *Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up M: It's a trick question. You're hired!
-
Who's there ! Bar-B-Q! Bar-B-Q who ?
Bar-B-Q-t but I think you're even cuter !
-
Which of my girlfriends do you think is the prettiest?
What I actually heard was "Do you want a fight "
-
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg
-
Who do you think I am?
Some sort of karate expert I can't even open a Cheetos bag.
-
What are you doing today?
2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure ' 2: 'I'm definite'.
-
How do you shave your balls?
After thinking for a few moments I say "Carefully"
-
Why were the inventors of the airplane correct in thinking they could fly?
Because they were Wright.
-
Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?
Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.
-
Why did the movie scene have a rusty pan?
Because Rusty thought the scene in the book was better. I'll show myself out. This is a horrible joke.
-
Why does Yoda think 5 is afraid of 7?
Because "6, 7 ate".
-
What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?
Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)
-
What do you call a potato that thinks he is in charge?
A Dictator
-
What do you call a second hand gold necklace?
Recyc-bling (I'm pretty sure I thought of this myself but I used to smoke the Mary Jane a lot so......)
-
What's a pirate's favorite computer language?
Aye, you'd think it was R, but tis the C
-
What's the difference between CNN and Al-Jazeera?
CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing. (Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show) also "My favorite indie band is palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."
-
What do you call a room with no walls?
A mushroom. Some people don't think that this is a joke. But it makes me rofl all over the place.
-
What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?
Well, I don't know" she answers shyly. "OK, that I give you another year to think about it..."
-
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
-
What happens to Eminem when he dies?
I accidentally this joke the other day. Do you think it has potential?
-
What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?
I was asked on an internet forum. "Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.
-
What do you get when you cross an oven with a car?
A hot rod. NOTE: When I was about 5, I thought this was the funniest joke on earth.
-
What does Pontiac stand for?
Poor, Old, Niagga, Thinks, It's, A, Cadillac. Ba dum tssss
-
What did the blind man say when he was asked what he thought about the renovation plan of his house?
I don't know.. I just don't see it.
-
What position does your brother play in the school football team ?
Jay: I think he's one of the drawbacks !
-
Why is the Math Book so sad?
It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.
-
Why don't they allow lesbians to play baseball?
When they get to third base they think they've scored
-
What is a Freudian slip?
A Freudian slip is when someone says one thing when thinking of amother.
-
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
-
Why was the black kid scared when he had diarrhea?
He thought he was melting.
-
What do you think of Dracula films?
Fangtastic!
-
What's her first name?
Kid: "Sorry," I think
-
Why did the man invest in the kilovolt battery?
He thought it had a lot of potential.
-
Why do neurologists think they're God?
Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!
-
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence
-
What do children think of the world?
I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.
-
Why did you name your son Tinnitus?
I don't know, me and my wife just thought it had a nice ring to it.
-
How bad is my career?
I met a homeless guy on the beach in Los Angeles & thought "Wow this guy has it made"
-
What's the Harlem shake?
Me: I don't know, I think they sell them at Burger King
-
Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?
I thought he didn't care about the 1%
-
What is the past tense of 'think'?
So I thought and thought and thought and eventually I picked 'thinked'.
-
Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
-
How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend?
Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?
-
What does R. Kelly have in common with Malaysian Airlines?
They both think they can fly.
-
Why do pessimists always think it's the weekend?
Because every day is a sadder-day.
-
What's next, thought crimes?
CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird
-
Whats the difference between a retard and a woman?
The retard doesn't need to be buggered to think he's special.
-
What do you call it when you think deeply about something you just saw on reddit?
Redditation. I am so sorry... that was horrible.
-
What's faster, the speed of thought or the speed of light?
Neither, it's diarrhea. Before you could think about it or even turn the lights on, you've already shat yourself.
-
Who do you think you are, Baryshnikov?
Get over yourself.
-
Why did the moron think his girlfriend was into metal?
He found steel wool pads in her bathroom.
-
What do a married guy and a single guy have in common?
They both think the other one gets laid more.
-
What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding.
-
What do Greek teenagers say?
Omega!! Note: surely it already exists but I thought of it independently and am proud of my terrible joke!
-
Who else have gone through this Sarcasm?
Me: Baby, I was thinking about you so sending you She: Thanks for Thinking
-
Why aren't there any B batteries?
Because people might think you have a stutter.
-
What does a dyslectic, agnostic, insomniac think about at night?
Is there really a dog. Dog lover joke.
-
Why do mathematicians think that spring is summer?
It's not their fault. May tricks them.
-
Which is the best kind of dinosaur to play hide & seek with?
An I-Don't-Think- He-Saurus
-
What do John Mellencamp and Ashton Kutcher have in common?
They both picked up a Cougar and then thought better of it.
-
What thought can you easily share with someone else without using words?
That you to fart.
-
Who else would've stolen it?
You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"
-
How'd ya get that?
asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town " he asked. "So did I!" she said.
-
What did the footballer's girlfriend think when she saw him standing between some goal posts?
He's a keeper"
-
What's w/the ice pack?
12: I have a headache. Me: Do you think it's a good idea to play video games if you have a headache 12: Yes.
-
Whats that over there?
I don't know but i think i just got a raging clue
-
Why did the Seven Dwarves fire Snow White as their Foreman at the mine?
They thought she was micromanaging them!
-
What is the difference between God and a police officer?
God doesn't think he's a police officer.
-
Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?
Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.
-
Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: "second base"
-
Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
-
Where is the lost city of Atlantis?
Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet.
-
What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?
A refund. credit to (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)
-
What's with people thinking white people shoot up schools?
I'm white and I have only shot up like 2 schools.
-
What do you say to a black guy selling drugs?
What did you think it would be, you racist?
-
How is Ellen Pao so good at driving Reddit into the ground?
I thought Asian women couldn't drive ಠಠ
-
What if the lion's too close?
picking up tiny stool "we've thought of that"
-
What'd ya call 50 n*ggers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start. P.S: N*ggers=Naggers. I hate those guys. What did you think?? )
-
Why did the oven go back to University?
To get another degree. My sister thought it up and found it so funny she called to tell me.
-
Why don't you?
Because I can't think of a single thing to say!
-
What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?
I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.
-
What did the ascetic say when he broke his fast?
OC I think I'll go on a diet!
-
What do the LGBT community and computers have in common?
Most people over 50 are scared of them and think they are destroying the fabric of society!
-
What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne ?
Sat down !
-
Why does pokemon have only one save file per game?
I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)
-
Why isn't there a straight pride parade?
They tried that but people kept on thinking it was the checkout line at Home Depot.
-
How do you outsmart a chicken?
By thinking outside the bawks.
-
What did the Canadian say when asked what he thought about stereotypes?
Eh.
-
What did the left breast say to the right breast?
We better get some support soon or everyone'll think we're nuts
-
What is the South American Music Scale?
Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti No (This is a joke I wrote a loooonnngg time ago, tell me what you think.)
-
What did the sarcastic left hand say to the right hand?
You always think you're right!"
-
What is the difference between Kanye West and God?
God doesn't think that He's Kanye.
-
Who's There?.........9/11.....9/11 Who?
I thought you said you'd never forget...."
-
Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I'm not a real superhero. I'm tired of being walked all over. *Jesus enters Aquaman: Dammit!
-
Why do people think Henry the Sixth was a Norseman?
Because he was a VI KING.
-
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something.
-
Why such hate on Lance Armstrong?
I think his riding style is pretty dope.
-
How does a SQL expert get a date?
getDate() (I really hope this doesn't do well, so cheap, so stupid, just had to write it when I thought of it)
-
Why's the couch smell like pee?
Flashback to me watching The Ring alone Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."
-
How's she getting on?
I replied, "I'm not sure, I think they use a crane."
-
Who do you think the scariest POTUS was?
I'd have to say Rushmore, considering he had four heads.
-
How do you manage that?
I think it was when I tried to push it through the letterbox.
-
What do you think of wearing a straight jacket?
I think I could pull it off
-
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's kids ever find their mom?
Because she is Trans-parent! (Not hate. Just a pun I thought of.)
-
Who sang the song "my own worst enemy"?
Them: I think it's Lit Me: I mean I like the song but I wouldn't call it lit...
-
What's a pirate's favourite Roman numeral?
You might think it's II, but his true love be the C.
-
What thinks the unthinkable?
An itheberg.
-
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
-
Why do programmers think Halloween's the same as Christmas?
Because 31OCT == 25DEC (thank you very much)
-
What is your guys' opinion on shoes that are a little bit too small?
Honestly, I think they're pretty tight!
-
Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken " Mother: "We need the eggs."
-
What did the psychic velociraptor say to his friend?
Dino what you're thinking."
-
What does Gollum think about Gandalf's smoking addiction?
Stupid, filthy habitses!
-
Why did 6 and 8 dislike 7?
They thought 7 was pretty odd.
-
What does the cannibal think after seeing a wheelchair user?
Meals on Wheels
-
What haircut did the Texan barber recommend when asked?
He couldn't think of anything, and said "I'll mullet over"
-
What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?
I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.
-
What did the left leg say to the right leg?
A: That one in the middle thinks he's hard.
-
What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?
Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.
-
What do you call a witness to an event in the Middle East?
A Dubaistander. Yeah I thought of it myself.
-
What do you think it'll be like?
The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".
-
What is the difference between cats and commas?
This might be better suited for but I think its more a joke Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.
-
How do you troll someone?
Make them wipe their screen because they think text is a smudge.
-
What did the Navy battleship captain say to his first mate during a skirmish?
OC I think I'm feeling C6
-
What language do pirates speak?
Arrrrrrabic! A friend and I were extremely high and he thought of this.Good times.
-
What do you call a horse that's thinking of home?
Mentally in-stable.
-
Why did the door to door sales man get nervous and run away?
He was selling In-Security Heh yeah i dunno i thought it up in a dream and I'm still half asleep bye
-
What do you call a dinosaur made of plastic bricks?
A legosaurus! Randomly made up this the other night, thought I'd share.
-
What be a pirate's favorite restaurant?
You'd think it was Arby's, but it's actually Long John Silver's.
-
Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks?
Because he thought it wood look better!
-
Why did nobody in the Orlando nightclub fight back?
They weren't thinking straight.
-
Why did the milk cow want the role of the camel in the nativity play so badly?
She thought she was a dromedary.
-
What do blind people think of a basketball?
It's a never ending story.
-
How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?
The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".
-
How was your interview?
Munnu : It went good, but lastly they asked me show them my testimonial. Chunnu : So Munnu : I think I showed them the wrong thing.
-
How many magazines did the racquetball footwear company make before going out of business?
Tennis shoes (Also: can anyone think of a more succinct buildup It seems kinda unwieldy to me)
-
Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?
His answer: "My mom."
-
Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
A: She thought her maxi pad had wings
-
How do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the Schrodinger's cat paradox?
By thinking outside the box
-
Why do you think people hate us so much?
Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks."
-
What type of lights were on Noah's Ark?
You'd think it would be floodlights, but in reality it was the Israelites!
-
Why did the spotted pigs run away?
They thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on the dotted swine.
-
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!"
-
Why do think that?
The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."
-
Why do Gypsy's walk funny?
Because of their Crystal Balls EDIT: I'm not sure if anyone's posted this before my mum's sister emailed her from across the globe.(New Zealand) I laughed so hard I thought I'd put it here. Credit goes to my Mum's sister though.
-
What idiot invented fire blankets?
You'd think they'd be hot enough from the flames.
-
What did the little cloud say about the big cloud?
I think you're condensating for something.
-
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A thought.
-
What do you call an Optomitrist who is very highly thought of in his community?
Respectacle
-
How often do I think about Keira?
Knightley.
-
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.
-
What do you think Jesus' favorite gun would be?
A nail gun
-
Why should you never let a non-metal drive a train?
Because they're poor conductors! (I know they're called Engineers but cut me some slack, I thought of this in the 9th grade.)
-
What do you guys think of polar bears?
I think they all white.
-
How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm. Men: I think it started in the 90's.
-
How is my wife doing?
Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.
-
What do you call a hard working midget?
A little elbow grease just thought of this one
-
How to make Holy Water Friend: Hey, how do you make Holy Water?
Me: Uhh...Let me think... Why Friend: You boil the hell out of it! Me: Get out.
-
Dad, can you put my shoes on?
I don't think they'll fit me.
-
What do you get when you slice ice cream?
Slice cream! ... I think I'll join the reposting group now...
-
Why do americans get manuals when buying a new car?
I thought they only drive automatic
-
How did the date go?
Not good. Aww what went wrong -*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn't my type.
-
How do you feel about perfumes being designed by computers?
Because I think it makes perfect scents.
-
Why did the inventor of panadol think I had no parents?
I said I'm an orphan.
-
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road?
Do they really think someone will take it Do you think I should wash it first
-
Why are topologists on a world of their own?
They think on a whole different dimension.
-
Why'd the blonde snort a line of Splenda?
She thought it was diet coke
-
Why you cannot think of landing a job or business without internet?
No connection
-
Why does Batman think so highly about himself?
Bruce Wayne.
-
What happens when Anthony Weiner tries to shake someones hand?
They think long and hard before they touch weiner.
-
How is Islam like a GPS?
You may think you're on the right path, but if you follow it literally, you'll end up crashing into a building.
-
What do you think of this, you spin really fast and I'll fly a kite from the wind you make?
I'm not a big fan."
-
Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant?
He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.
-
Why did the man snort Dr. Pepper?
He thought it was Coke!
-
Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?
She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.
-
Why do people get addicted to meth?
Because they didn't think of the aftermeth.
-
What did the ventriloquist say to their friend?
Nothing. He's mute. I don't even think he's as ventriloquist.
-
What do you call a dark skinned surfer?
A RADICAL muslim. Sorry if I offended anyone but just thought I would share a funny thought I had that I turned into a joke.
-
How does Mario talk to the dead?
With a luigi board. Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.
-
Why was the little black kid with diarrhea crying?
Because he thought he was melting.
-
Why couldn't Mark think of a dad joke?
Mark is black.
-
When I asked her why, she said "uhhh no real reason". I'm thinking, "no reason, huh?
So I punched her in the face. Now she has a reason.
-
When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk?
just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings
-
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
-
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
Q. They think their picture is being taken.
-
Why did Bob disagree with communism?
He thought it was such Bolshevik.
-
Why are you begging for a quarter?
Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.
-
How do pirates know they exist?
They think, therefore they ARRRRRRRR!
-
What did the tired pilot say to his crew?
I think I'm gonna crash
-
Why no pants on?
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
-
Why can't you be the king I know?
The king you have inside you SIMBA: That doesn't make sense. I think I'd remember if I ate a king.
-
When are you going to learn to drive?
I don't think they feel very safe in my taxi.
-
What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?
It's "popcorn"! What were you thinking?!
-
What's a pirates favourite letter?
You may think it's "Arrr", but nay, his first love be the "C".
-
What happened to me?
Snow Doctor: Don't worry you're fine. But... what did you think a snow blower did
-
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
-
Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo?
A cub reporter.
-
Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise Oh, right, *of course* !"
-
Where do Robots go for fun?
The Circuits! (this is a joke i made up when i was like 10, i don't think it ever caught on)
-
What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say Wife: You're consistent.
-
What animal will you always see at a resturant?
A DINE-O-SAUR. I think my brother is a future stand-up comic.
-
Why are there so many Asians?
Its the food. There is too much raw dog. Heard it on Adam Carolla's Podcast. A caller phoned in and told it to Adam. Thought you guys would like it.
-
Why did the blond snort NutraSweet?
She thought it was diet coke.
-
Why are pot heads always so condescending?
They always think they're higher then others
-
What did you think of the chapter on frogs?
Biologist 2: Oh it was quite ribbiting.
-
How are you baby?
I am in bed and thinking about you ... And you my dear - I am at a club ... And sitting right behind you!!
-
Why Don't Black People like Country Music?
Because everytime theres a Hoedown, they think one of their sisters got shot.
-
What do you think of Theresa May?
I'm more of a L'Oreal fan
-
What are some good conversation starter jokes you can think of?
Just some light jokes with bit of humor . Nothing too dark.
-
What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?
How far do you think i can kick this bucket Also, Why did the chicken cross the road He was in the bucket(/spoiler)
-
Why don't all Libertarian candidates have dwarfism?
I thought Libertarians believed in small government.
-
Why didn't Darth Vader make it as a stand up comic?
Fans thought his sense of humor was a little too on the dark side.
-
What do r/jokes subscribers and Catholic priests have in common?
Both think the shorter the better.
-
What's the Pirates favorite letter?
Ya think it be the Arrrr, but it's really the C.
-
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don't work 8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here
-
Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
-
What Did Kid Davis Say To The Lesbian Melons?
you cantaloupe. i just thought of this. probably not the first person to, but i certainly didn't steal it.
-
What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet...?
Arrrrr?" Nope... you'd think so, but it'd be the "C."
-
Why is NATO afraid of Russia?
Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.
-
What do you think I should buy, a cow or a bike?
You'd look pretty funny riding a cow...but you'd look much worst milking a bike
-
Why did the Soviet union fail?
Too much Stalin'. Yeah it's bad but it made me giggle when I thought of it... :P
-
What does a mole think, when he digs trough lower Austria?
Make way, children.
-
What do burgers think when they are surrounded by gherkins?
They think they are in a pickle.
-
What is it called when you think you see a popstar in the desert?
It's a Nicki Mirage.
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Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust?
He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans. *You love it.*
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What shoes are hard to wear?
Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.
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Why is it called Justice League of America?
Do they follow territorial boundaries? If the Kaos Kommandos start a brawl in El Paso and it rolls over into Juarez, do they say "screw it, let Justice League of Mexico handle it"? (Sorry if this isn't technically a joke; it was my shower thought this morning and I thought it was funny.)
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What's worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend?
When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Why do bronies get so upset about the friendzone?
I thought friendship was magic
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Why couldn't the joke walk?
It was lame. (I think this is an original by me)
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Where did I meet these crazy people?
But then I think "What would I do without them "
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Why did Michael Jackson call Boys 2 Men?
He thought they were a delivery service
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Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?
She thought children should be seen and not herded!
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What did they start calling Kim Jong Un after he shed 60 kgs in weight?
Kim Jong Un what you thought it was Slim Jong Un? Sorry but you are not allowed to make puns on your supreme leader's name in North Korea
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How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!
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What do you think you're doing?
the observant teacher asks. To which he replies... "writing an ese"
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Why do white people think they can say the N word?
Because it is the only thing left that still belongs to black people.
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What do you think about the coming battle General?
God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.
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What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
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How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
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What do you think of Miles Davis?
he kind of blew
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Who was that coughing in the background?
Me : Oh, that was Denise. Dad: Oh, da' niece I thought it was da' nephew. Buh dum tsssssssss
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Where'd you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...
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Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition?
Ah yes wax would go well with this cake and you know what else Child spit.
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Why did Jared from Subway call Boyz2Men?
He thought they had delivery service.
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Why don't dyslexics like the story of King Arthur?
They think it's about the romance and majesty of Camelto.
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What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?
Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.
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What's a pirate's favorite programming language?
You might think it's R, but his first love has always been the C.
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What's a Monk's favorite breakfast food?
Well, they're vegetarians so probably not what you're thinking...
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Why did the dog's friends send her home from the bar when she started to act strange?
They thought she might have been slipped a woofie.
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Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden?
Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we all lived twice
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How do you tell when a girl really wants you?
When you put your hand down her pants you think you're feeding a horse.
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What pets think about their owners?
A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.
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How was that racist?
Me: I said "not to be racist" you must be sicker than I thought
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Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?
In a moooo-tel. I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room. Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.
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What did everyone think?
STEVE: PAUL: JANE: SARAH: MARK: DAVE:
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What's a pirate's favorite letter in the alphabet?
ARRGGHH" (R) Your response = (in a pirate voice of course) "You'd think it'd be the ARRGGHH but it actually be the SEA!!! (C)
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What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing?
Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog
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Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?
Because she thought everybody loved her.
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What you hope someone might say about you when they approach your casket?
Hey, I think he moved.
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What kind of gum do bees chew?
BUMBLEGUM. Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not.
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What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
Everyone thinks it's 'R', but his first love be the 'C'.
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Why did the boy stand behind the horse?
He thought he might get a kick out of it!
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Why was the dyslexic rabbit disappointed when he received the solid gold bar he had ordered via the internet?
He thought the ad said '24 carrots'
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What does Dave Grohl say when he thinks there's a stalker in his house?
IS SOMEONE OUT ON THE VEST? THE VEST? THE VEST? THE VESTIBULE?"
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Which is the best kind of dinosaur to play hide & seek with?
An I-Don't-Think- He-Saurus
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Why did the blonde feminist want to be cremated when she died?
She thought a traditional burial would be too bio-degrading.
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What did the little black kid think when he got diarrhea?
He was melting
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What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog?
A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
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Why do you think you'd be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
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How old were you on your last birthday?
Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday Ten. Oh I don't think that's possible. Oh yes it is - I'm nine today.
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Why did God invent women?
You think he's gonna wash the dishes
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Who's there ! Chicken ! Chicken who ?
Chicken your pockets - I think your keys are there !s
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How fast can Klingon's run?
About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.
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What is something that basically stops when you stare at it, but flys by when you dont?
There are two answere: Time and Boo (from Mario games). Just made this joke up what do you guys think
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How did the two perverts break up?
I think we should see other peepholes."
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What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?
Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?
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What's the best way to make friends?
tell a woman you love her and she says "i think we're just friends..."
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What happens when you throw a black rock into the Red Sea?
I originally thought that the black rock gets wet, but it was brought to my attention that the Red Sea is in the middle east, so it prob'ly starts a holy war!
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Whatever's the matter ?
asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'
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How do you say the word "peanuts" *without* the letter "t"?
Think about it.
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Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?
So the men can think of a solution in silence.
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How's the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good. WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book. ME: I don't think he read it.
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What would be the best color to make a joke about?
I was thinking black, but I'm not sure it would work?
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What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns?
I think he would be most strict on nail gun control. (Credit to Taylor on PKA)
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Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?
You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)
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What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
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Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?
Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
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What do you call a snowman who cons people?
A snowfake I thought it was appropriate for this time of year. Merry Christmas reddit! You have my permission to tell this at any Xmas parties you attend
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What did Descartes say while shopping online?
I think therefore I Amazon