Tie Jokes

  • Why did you tie a rope on that criminal?

    Officer: You ordered me to get a line on the suspect.

  • What did tie say to the hat?

    You go on ahead, I'll hang around.

  • Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

    Because he was drunk Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first one Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer Pressure

  • What do the Welsh call a sheep when it's tied to a lamp post?

    The leisure centre.

  • What do you call a monkey with a white bandanna tied to his tail?

    A surrender monkey

  • Why couldn't the shoes go out and play?

    A: They were all tied up.

  • What's a Southeastern Asian business professional's favorite food?

    Tie food

  • How do they tie things down on the space station?

    They use astro knots.

  • Where do Tie Fighters sit in church?

    In the *pew*.

  • What do you call it when you tie a brick to a jar of Miracle Whip and throw it into the ocean?

    Sink-o de Mayo"

  • What did the shoelace say when I tried to tie it?

    Uh, like, can you knot?

  • How did the alien tie his shoes?

    With an astroknot.

  • What do you call an actor from Alabama that is forced by contract to play a certain character in a production?

    Role tied.

  • Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

    Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

  • What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

    A: Root position cords.

  • What did the tie say to the neck?

    I think I'll just hang around.

  • Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

    He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

  • What did Katy Perry steal from Dr. Frankenstein's closet?

    The Tie of the Igor.

  • What do you get if you tie two camels together by the tails?

    A palindromedary.

  • How do Germans tie their shoelaces?

    In little knotsies....

  • What type of knot do you tie in space?

    An astronaut.

  • Why can't Chinese people tie their shoes?

    I would love to tell you, but I am afraid the answer is a little bit lacist.

  • How are you doing this morning?

    Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you

  • What's the difference between an Engineering student and an Arts student when tying their shoes?

    The arts student gets a mark for it.

  • What do they do with rope in space?

    Tie Astro-knots.

  • What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in New Zealand?

    A community centre

  • Why couldn't the hippie reach his tie dyed T-shirt?

    Because it was Far Out!

  • What is the main material used in the manufacture of TIE fighters?

    TIE tanium

  • How do you make an Italian deaf?

    Tie their hands behind their back.

  • What kind of tie does a pig wear ?

    Pig's tie !

  • How do you always keep your shoes tied?

    Replace the laces with earphones.

  • What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch?

    He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

  • What did the Irishman say about the RC car tied to his scrotum?

    It drives me nuts.

  • What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?

    A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

  • What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?


  • Why did the Englishman wear a tie to his vasectomy?

    Because he wanted to look mptnt

  • Whats the difference between a noose and a leash?

    How high you tie it on a tree.

  • How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

    Tie him to a chair stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

  • Why did the kidnapped clock always read 12:00?

    His hands were tied.

  • How do you stop an elephant going through the eye of a needle?

    By tying a knot on its tail.

  • Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense ?

    So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.

  • Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?

    It ended in a tie.

  • What is the result?

    A tie.

  • Why did the black guy wear a suit and tie to his vasectomy?

    Well, if I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna look impotent."

  • What do you do with the time saved?

    Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what

  • How do you stop an Italian from talking?

    Tie his hands together

  • How do you mute an Italian?

    Tie up their hands.

  • Who won the race between two balls of string?

    They we're tied!

  • What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up?

    Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.

  • What kind of tie is best to wear in a fight?

    Muay Thai

  • How did Adolf tie his shoes?

    With two knotzies.

  • What did the hat say to the tie?

    You hang around. I'll go on a head.

  • What do you call 10 Ethiopians tied together?

    A raft

  • How do you shut an Italian up?

    Tie his hands behind his back

  • What do you call a morbidly obese hippy?

    Tie Dyeabetes

  • What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?

    A boo-tie.

  • What's a sailor's favorite kind of knot?

    It's a tie.

  • How about some snappy one-liners?

    Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

  • What did one strand of yarn say to the other?

    I'm not ready to dye, I still have a few ends to tie up. "Ball up..."

  • Who lands first?

    The Italian. The black is tied to the tree.

  • How do you tie two half ducks together?

    with ducktape!!