Time Jokes

  • What did Mike Tyson say when asked about the time he fought the God of Asgard?

    The loser was 'thore'"

  • Why should the Pope play NBA basketball?

    Because every time he puts up a prayer it gets answered. (I thought of this myself, but it is so corny, it could easily be in every damn joke book.)

  • What is the time ?

    2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII !

  • Why not?

    It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.

  • What do you call someone who spends the whole time on their phone whenever you hang out?

    A phoney friend!

  • What did one frog say to the other frog?

    Time's fun when you're having flies.

  • How much time does a black woman takes to take out the trash?

    9 months

  • How is Michael Jackson like the thousands of people outside times square on new years?

    Once the balls drop, They're no longer interested!

  • Why did the kid throw the watch out the window?

    So time would fly.

  • What time is it when yo mama sits on a chair?

    Time to buy a new chair.

  • How long is the movie?

    I need to know what time to pick her up.

  • Who's there ! B-2 ! B-2 who ?

    B-2 school on time !

  • What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

    They both shred footage. (*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

  • What time does an Asian go to the dentist?

    Toof Hurty.

  • Which his guide had proposed to climb. - Do people tumble down often here?

    No, the guide said, one time is usually enough.

  • Who are the fastest readers of all time?

    9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 15 seconds

  • Why doesn't anyone ever add Paul Walker on Xbox?

    He spends all of his time on the dashboard.

  • When the hell did you grow a beard?

    Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

  • What time of day is the saddest?

    The mourning

  • Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk?

    Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.

  • What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?

    Time to get a new car.

  • What would you get if Geddy Lee, Neil Peart and Alex Lifeson all died in a plane crash?

    Take your time, there's no Rush...

  • Who's there? Dragon Ball Z. Dragon Ball Z Who?


  • Which candy is never on time?


  • What time are you supposed to go to the dentist?


  • What time are most dental appointments scheduled for?

    Tooth hurty.

  • What did the musician say when he went back in time?

    I'll be Bach.

  • What time is it in New York City?

    5 past Lundqvist

  • What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ?

    An alarm cluck !

  • What did the time traveler say at the birthday party?

    I'd tell you happy birthday, but to me, you've been dead for centuries

  • Where does it stop?

    8 Chainz frowned. "14 Chainz doesn't have time for

  • How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

    She waits until midnight and plugs it back in. Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

  • When your kid asks you (daddy is it time to go crazy?

    you don't know what to say until you wife reply's (idk go ask you dad.) what do you say My little joke

  • What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?

    He screwed, nutted, and bolted.

  • Why are the people of Saudi Arabia always behind the times?

    Because they live under Iraq.

  • When do clocks die?

    When their time is up.

  • What do you call two Egyptians who've farted at the same time?


  • Why does the French flag have Velcro?

    So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.

  • What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street?

    Five after one.

  • What animal is two animals at the same time?

    The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :) ... oh, wait.

  • What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant girl have in common?

    Failure to pull out in time

  • What's Lisbeth's twin sister's name who enjoys spending time on the internet?


  • Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

    Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

  • What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?

    Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

  • What's the biggest joke of all time?

    My life. My entire goddamned life.

  • What time is the best time to go to the dentist?

    Tooth hurty (2:30)

  • How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.

  • What did one frog say.to the other?

    Time's sure fun when you're having flies!

  • What do men and tile floors have in common?

    if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

  • What happened to the ghost who went to a party?

    He had a wail of a time.

  • What's the best response when someone wastes your time?

    Answers below please.

  • What time is it when a Muslim immigrant brings a clock to school in Texas?

    Time to get a new principal.

  • How do you get to a position of power in a science lab?

    Work over time

  • When did the Chinese man know it was time to go to the dentist?

    Tooth hurty

  • What is the creepiest letter of the alphabet?

    V. Because no matter where you are, any time of any day, no matter what you do, V always follows U.

  • Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you?

    Because he doesn't know the time of day.

  • Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend ?

    They were both driving their cars at the time !

  • What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

    Quantum Mechanics.

  • Who's there ! Bones ! Bones who ?

    Bones upon a time... !

  • What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac spend his time doing?

    Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

  • What do you call a Time Machine that can only travel to one location in time?

    The RE-tardis

  • Why can't clocks keep secrets?

    Because, time will always tell.

  • Which dog can tell time?

    A watchdog.

  • Why do you never wear two monocles at the same time?

    Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.

  • What did the two lesbian vampires say to each other?

    Same time next month?

  • What's up with that horse?

    sees a giraffe for the first time Okay, what the hell is going on today

  • What time does Sean Connery leave to go to Wimbledon?


  • Whats worse than having to break up with your Japanese girlfriend for the first time?

    Her not hearing you, so you drop the bomb a 2nd time.

  • How much time do I have left, doctor?

    Doctor: 10 Guy: 10 what ! 10 days, 10 months, 10 years Doctor: 9...8...7...6...5...

  • How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a light-bulb?


  • What do a pregnant teenager, frozen beer, and a burned pizza have in common?

    Some idiot forgot to pull it out in time.

  • Why shouldn't you be friends with a broken clock?

    Because it won't even give you the time of day.

  • What can relax you and drown you at the same time?

    A one-hour facial.

  • Why did the Kremlin sacrifice 8.7 million soldiers during WWII?

    They were just Stalin for time.

  • How many men does it take to open a beer?

    None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.

  • Why did the stressed out zombie go on vacation?

    He needed some time to himself to decompose.

  • How many times do I have to tell you this Mom?

    I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.

  • When is the only time a Muslim bets?

    When there is a prophet involved.

  • What time was it?

    A quarter to three.

  • What did Water say to Fire when they met for the first time?


  • Why shouldn't you wear a watch on your belt?

    It'd be a waste of time.

  • How does a cat tell time??

    In meowers

  • Why Do Philosophers Have Such Good Teeth?

    Because they philos all the time!

  • What is the motto of the French navy?

    To the water, it is time! Or in french... ... BWA HA HA HA. OK... I know this is kind a dad joke but.... yeah (for those don't speak French and thus don't get this, click the link and click the speaker to have it read to you ;) )

  • Why do traffic lights never go swimming?

    Because they spend too much time changing.

  • What do two people with Parkinson's disease do when they meet for the first time?

    They shake hands.

  • What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?


  • What kind of dog can tell time?

    A clockshund!

  • Which pizza shop's business is like it's name?

    Dominoes. Falling one at a time.

  • Why do bad break-dancers get reduced prison sentences?

    Time served

  • What time is it when planes start dropping engines?

    Shedding season

  • What do you call the small amount of time between when you slip on a peel and when you hit the pavement?

    A bananosecond

  • What kind of line gets thicker and thinner at the same time?

    A line of marathon runners

  • What's the worst part of having a lung transplant?

    Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours.

  • Who was the best boxer of all time?

    Jim Jones, I heard he took out 909 people with one punch.

  • What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?

    Time to try the udder one."

  • What do you get when you subtract the date and time that Tony Stark built an AI from the current date and time?

    The Age Of Ultron.

  • How do you tell the time in the US?

    By looking at a bomb

  • What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common?

    In each scenario, there's a dumb guy who didn't take it out in time.

  • Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around?

    Because time will tell.

  • How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

  • Why did a kid get arrested for taking a home made clock into school?

    Sounds like he had already done the... time

  • What birds spend all their time on their knees ?

    Birds of prey !

  • How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

    None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

  • What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?


  • What us the difference between white, brown and black people?

    The time God took to cook us

  • How do zombies communicate in times of war?

    Cryptic code.

  • What did the mommy broom say to the baby broom?

    Time to go to sweep.

  • What did Einstein's dad say when he published his theory of relativity?

    Damn, son. It's about time!

  • What do you do with the time saved?

    Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what

  • What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

    The first couple of times you cough, the loogeys aren't yours!

  • What do you call a super kind man who spends too much time on the beach?

    A tangent

  • What did the russian soldier say when he held his newborn sibling in his hands for the first time?

    You're my brother in arms!"

  • What do you call a none in a wheelchair?

    Virgin Mobile I'm not sorry (PS, if this is a repost, I'm sorry that I didn't see the first time it got posted 2 years ago. Please don't accuse me of reposting)

  • What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer?

    An attornity.

  • What did the time traveller do after he ate the last bite of his dinner?

    He went back 4 seconds.

  • What time does Sean Connery show up to wimbledon?


  • How many grains of sand are there in the world?

    As many as 27. I'm referring to the number of times good ol' 27 was reposted.

  • Why'd you name me Carson, dad?

    You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.

  • What do you call a belt made out of watches?

    A waist of time...

  • What does a burnt pizza and a pregnant girl have in common?

    Someone that didn't take it out in time.

  • Where does Ben Carson spend most of his time on Reddit?


  • What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant chick have in common?

    Some douchebag forgot to pull it out in time.

  • What happens when everyone in the country takes a pee at the same time?

    What happens when everyone in the country takes a pee at the same time? Urine-nation!

  • Why did no one laugh at the hot dogs joke?

    Because it was too cheesy. I work at a hot dog stand and tell this from time to time.

  • What do you call an academic who apologises all the time?

    An anthropologist

  • What did the busy port master say to the rowdy pirates who wanted to dock?

    I don't have time for your ship."

  • Why do grandparents have so many clocks?

    So they won't run out of time

  • Why don't big trains have little trains?

    They pull out on time.

  • What type of gun do time travelers use?

    A Clock-18

  • What do you call a droid who's never on time?


  • What dog can tell the time ?

    A watch dog !

  • Why do birds fly to the tropics in winter?

    Why, wouldn't the winter be over by the time they reach, if they walk all the way along? So they fly.

  • What time is it in Ireland when someone farts too much?

    Two-forty (use an Irish accent)... It's two-farty

  • Why do we never take the time to thank mislabeled concrete?

    It's mistaken for granite.

  • What is your sin, my child?

    Me: Twitter. Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

  • What do you say when you meet a German virgin for the first time?

    Guden Tight

  • What times does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?


  • What do you call an Asian who's tolerable some of the time?

    Occasionally (OK Asian Lee).

  • What do you call a spy that likes to spend time with his son?

    James Bonding bah dun tss

  • What are the 5 best Vegetables of all time?

    tink about it. Gai lan, gai lan... gai lan, gai lan, and gai lan. (thanks to Chapelle show skit((making the band)))

  • What's the difference between Valve and uranium?

    Uranium gets to its half-life on time.

  • What time is bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

    A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

  • Why did the yankee wolf like southern ladies?

    By the time they said "I'm not that kind of girl" they were.

  • How many times does a woman laugh after you tell her a joke?

    Three. When you tell it to her, then when you explain it to her, and then when she gets it.

  • What does Mr. Miyagi do during his alone time?

    Whacks on, whacks off.

  • What do women and the stock market have in common?

    If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

  • How old?

    Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time " Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."

  • Why do women love chocolate?

    Because it's the only time 'rich' and 'dark' are used to describe the same thing.

  • How many times does a blonde laugh at a joke?

    Three times - Once when you tell it, once when you explain it, and once when she gets it.

  • What do you call a God unfit for the times at hand?

    O Cristor Redundant

  • Why do asian parents give their children short names?

    More time on tests.

  • What do you call a prehistoric humanoid who likes to take his time?

    A meander-thal!

  • What did the table fan say to his boss when he couldn't get to work on time?


  • Why Is Chemistry Racist?

    It's very selective. Edit. My first time making a joke. I know I can't make a joke. This is not directed at anyone.

  • What do you call a 20 year old spaceship that whines all the time and never wants to run properly?

    The Millenial Falcon.

  • Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first?

    Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.

  • Why was the stadium so cool?

    it was full of fans. Thank thank you for your time

  • What happens when you flip an 8 to it's side?

    Everything, given enough time

  • How do Mexican peanuts tell time?


  • Who says time travel doesn't exist and we can't go back in time?

    America just did.

  • How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool?

    Okay folks, time to get out of the pool!"

  • What do you call a reptile...?

    What do you call a reptile who says "But Cowardly Lion......You've had courage..... This entire....Time"?

  • When is the only time you can park like a retard?

    In a handicapped spot.

  • What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when he's not spending enough time with her?

    You're getting too wrapped up in your work!

  • What is the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?


  • Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?

    He wrote sheet music.

  • What time does Sean Connery attend the Wimbeldon?


  • What do you call an Asian who is always on time?

    Thai Mingh Ha. Ha. Ha.

  • What does the Cincinnati gorilla story tell us?

    It's the first time that black-on-black crime made national (even international) news.

  • When is the one time when no doesn't mean no?

    When a woman rejects feminism.

  • What did Hamlet say when he heard dubstep for the first time?

    Aye, there's the wub"

  • Why is the time in the USA behind that of England ?

    Because England was discovered before the USA !

  • What' the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

    Anyone can roast beef, but not everyone can pea soup. (As told by my 8yo, who made me laugh with a joke for the first time. Proud dad moment.)

  • How can you tell an old person from a young person?

    An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.

  • What time does Sean Connery go to the US Open?


  • What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

    Around Ten-ish.

  • What does a woman and KFC have in common?

    By the time youre finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

  • What is true and false at the same time?


  • What's the difference between your sister and a washing machine?

    A washing machine only takes one load at a time.

  • What did Noah do while spending time on the ark ?

    Fished but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !

  • How Many Wal-Mart Workers Does it Take to Screw In a Lightbulb?

    One to screw in the lightbulb, stock four carts of supplies, and handle seventeen simultaneous customers at any one time for five consecutive hours.

  • What part of your punctuality emancipates the Chinese?

    Your Ti"ming"!

  • What is honeymoon?

    ANSWER: That brief span of time between "I do" and "You'd better!"

  • How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?

    Juans upon a time.

  • Who are you and how do you get the time and money?

    Teach me.

  • What do you call a guy who screams, "I love you, mom!" every time he climaxes?


  • What did the Ocean say to the Beach?

    Nothing, it just waved... Prolly my favorite joke of all time, maybe ever.

  • How many times can look at the sun with a telescope?

    You can do this twice. One time with you right eye and one with your left!

  • What is something that basically stops when you stare at it, but flys by when you dont?

    There are two answere: Time and Boo (from Mario games). Just made this joke up what do you guys think

  • What happens to garlic sauce over time?

    The sausages.

  • What happened to the Mexican after he took heroin for the third time?

    He over 'd

  • What's three times worse than OCD?

    OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait the last time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait, the second time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait...

  • Why are burglars such good tennis players ?

    Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts !

  • What's the top selling book of all time in Korea?

    101 Ways to Wok Your Dog

  • How do you swat one hundred flies at the same time?

    Smack an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

  • What time does Sean Connery show up at Wimbledon every year?

    About tennish.

  • What does ever horse and rider do at the same time?

    Grow old!

  • Why didn't Jesus ever play in the NHL?

    because every time he tried he got nailed to the boards!

  • What time is it when the elephant sits on the fence?

    Time to get a new fence...

  • When is the only time a white NFL wide receiver is a good thing?

    When your sister tells you she's dating an NFL wide receiver.

  • When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?

    When the big hand touches the little hand.

  • What's ten inches long and white?

    Not a damn thing! I thought it was time we had some racist jokes towards someone who isn't black for once D

  • What's upside down and downside up at the same time ?

    A kid with cerebral palsy living in Australia

  • How many Super Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGONBALL ZEEEEE! (I really hope this isn't a repost)

  • What does Reddit and Dating have in common?

    It wastes your time and you walk away with either tears or a slight chuckle.

  • Why couldn't the clock be kept in jail?

    Because time was always running out.

  • How did the Allies have time to prepare D-Day?

    Because Russia was Stalin

  • Why isn't a dime worth as much today as it used to be?

    Because the dimes (times) have changed.

  • What would happen if all Chinese people jumped off a chair, all at the same time?

    I don't know either, but you would need a reeeally big chair!

  • Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?

    Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

  • Why do people point at their wrist when asking for the time?

    Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

  • What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing?

    Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

  • How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

    None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

  • How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

    When the old one expects you to "do your share"

  • What can you make and break at the same time?

    A racket.

  • What do you call it... ...when you get head from a black girl and a white girl at the same time?


  • What do you get if you steamroll a crab and a Korean at the same time?

    A crustacean :D :D

  • Why do Communist Dictators have trouble getting their work done on time?

    They're way too into Stalin

  • What do you say when someone dies while getting an erection?

    He came and went at the same time.

  • How many times do you have to tickle a squid to make it laugh?

    ten tickles

  • How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

    Wanna go ride bikes? My all time favorite joke. Sorry if it has already been posted but who has the time to browse all of .

  • How do you know if someone has a Samsung phone without asking?

    Don't worry, they've already told you the superior qualities it has over all the other smart phones by this time.

  • Where's the best place to hide an elephant?

    Dad: Where is the best place to hide an elephant? Me: I don't know, behind a big rock? Dad: In a tree silly. Me: In a tree? Dad: When's the last time you saw an elephant in a tree?

  • What time is it when a clock strikes thirteen?

    Time to get it fixed.

  • Who is Superman's brother?

    Supperman. Or his kid Soup-erman. One just gets to dinner on time and the other is really good and making soup. E: I thought of it in it in a dream so thats why its not so good

  • What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user??

    Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time )

  • Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

    I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those. Wait. Two. I have 2 kids.

  • What are you gonna do today?

    Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.

  • How many times did I tell you to make your bed?

    Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

  • Why did the cab driver did not get time for his family?

    Because he was Uber busy.

  • Why are promise rings 1/10th the price of engagement rings?

    They only work 10% of the time.

  • What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time?

    I'm Thor

  • Why did the Sudanese boy get arrested in Texas?

    I'm not exactly sure, but it was about time.

  • How do cows measure time?

    In mooments

  • What did Ron Weasley do the first time he saw Hermione naked?

    He whipped out his wand and yelled, "***Shtupify***!".

  • How do crows know what time is it?

    They have the knights watch .

  • What does Batman's mum shout when it's time for dinner?

    Nothing. She's dead.

  • What did russian judge say to the jury?

    I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

  • What time is it in Brazil?

    Oh, it's 7 past Cesar

  • What do you call a snowman who cons people?

    A snowfake I thought it was appropriate for this time of year. Merry Christmas reddit! You have my permission to tell this at any Xmas parties you attend

  • What did they say about the guy who woke up and jerked off on his alarm clock every day?

    He always came on time.

  • How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

  • What time does a mechanic wake up?


  • How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?

    I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

  • What do you call someone who can't find a job?

    A Psych major. (Pls list your own response - if you're awake and in America at this time, you should have a pretty good one). Thanks.

  • What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?

    They're not infallible

  • Why did the girl sit on her watch?

    She wanted to be on time.

  • What are your best "If I had for every time..." jokes?

    Two of my favorites are:

  • Why should you be sure to pay your exorcist on time?

    You wouldn't want to get repossessed!

  • How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?

    When the big hand touches the little hand

  • What were the martyr's last words?

    I believe in peace in our time

  • What's worse than the Holocaust?

    Winning the jackpot in two separate lotteries at the same time.

  • Why is 'The Game' the most powerful rapper?

    Because you lose every time you talk about him ( )

  • How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

    I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

  • What time is it in India?

    7-Eleven on the dot.

  • What do you call a belt made out of watches?

    A waist of time.

  • Why did the Russian man keep making excuses?

    He was just stalin for time

  • What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called?

    Dr Whoover

  • What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

    When the power goes off.

  • What do you give and take at the same time?

    a poop

  • Why don't we let Google Chrome drive?

    Because it crashes all the time.

  • What do you call a duck traveling south that enters a time warp and meets itself traveling north?

    A pair of ducks.

  • When is the only time when No shirt no shorts no shoes gets you service?

    If you're a surfer and you're getting head.

  • What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon at?


  • How did Genghis Khan conquer Mongolia?

    One steppe at a time.

  • Why is time wary of mathematicians?

    They're always plotting against it.

  • Why was the Texan afraid of the clock?

    Because it reminded him that time was moving forward.

  • Which area of Zelda: Ocarina of time uses the most resources?

    The long long farm.

  • What did T-Rex say after doing yoga for the first time?


  • What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

    I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

  • What do my toaster and I have in common?

    We both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time.

  • Whats a dentists favorite time of day?

    The time of day he get into his BMW to go home from the dentists office after touching mouths all day

  • Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit ?

    So he could tell the time at night !

  • What do you call a Sasquatch that is never on time?

    Not Yeti

  • What time is our movie tonight?

    Me: 7:30. It's 2 hours 50 minutes Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30 "Back off ladies. He's mine"

  • What do frogs say?

    Times fun when you're having flies

  • What's the difference between the G-Spot and a Golf Ball?

    A guy will actually spend time searching for a Golf Ball.

  • Why do women live on average two years longer?

    Because the time they spend parking doesnt count.

  • What is your biggest strength?

    I am always on time." "And your biggest weakness " "I get annoyed when my dealer is late."

  • What is the longest movie of all time?

    8 mile

  • What do you get when you send a duck backwards in time to the moment before you sent the duck?

    A Pair-a-ducks.

  • Why do athletes prefer nuns to time their laps?

    Because when a nun times anything it's zero. (0*n=0) :D

  • How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?

    Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets

  • What is the best stand-up routine of our time?

    I nominate Chris Rock's Never Scared.

  • What is the difference between a human and a potato?


  • Who were the fastest readers of all time?

    The victims of 9/11. They went through over 87 stories in less than 2 1/2 minutes.

  • How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch?

    The screen stays black when you check the time.

  • How do you make a Vietnamese girl pregnant and rich at the same time?

    Give her the dong.

  • Why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend?

    Because...bros before hose!

  • Why did the guy give up connecting his controller to his Xbox?

    He was syncing too much time into it.

  • What time is it when twenty dogs and one cat get together?

    20 after 1.

  • What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?

    Gluten Tag And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread Flour power And when a lot of people do it at the same time a rye-ot

  • Why is a viola solo like a bomb?

    By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it. A long list of viola jokes:

  • Why do men like love at first site?

    A. It saves them a lot of time.

  • How many times does 1 go into 0?

    As Many Times As It Wants!

  • How do you tell the time in Antarctica?

    A:I don't know,Alaska guy and tell you

  • Who is a battery manufacturer's favorite baseball player of all time?

    Al Kaline.

  • Why divorce now after all this time together?

    Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.

  • Why don't women blink during foreplay?

    They don't have time.

  • What do children think of the world?

    I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.

  • What pick-up line works 100% of the time?

    Does this smell like chloroform to you

  • What do you call a symphony where everyone plays at the same time instead of taking turns?

    An chestra.

  • Why did the student fail the exam?

    Spent too much time figuring out the Engels, so he didnt get the Marx.... thats what he gets for Stalin

  • What time would it be if five elephants were chasing you?

    A: Five after one.

  • What time does Sean Connery get to the US Open?


  • Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ?

    It saves so much time.

  • What do you call it when you smoke weed and work out at the same time?

    Getting all high and mighty

  • How can you tell if your wife left you?

    You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!

  • When was the last time you flossed?

    Me: "BRO, you were there."

  • What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

    A waist of time *door closes on way out*

  • When is the only time you're not American?

    When European.

  • Why shouldn't you ask Jon Snow what time it is?

    Because his watch has ended.

  • Why do you hate me?

    me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

  • What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber take the family silver?

    Time to get a new watchdog.

  • Why are quantum physicists the kinkiest of all scientists?

    They have the ability to penetrate both holes at the same time. explanation(http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double-slitexperiment)

  • What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

    A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

  • What time of day was Adam born?

    Just a little before Eve

  • How can you tell baseball players are smarter than football players?

    When was the last time you saw a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?

  • What time of day is it in France right now?


  • What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing?

    Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog

  • Who ever said time cannot be bought?

    I bought some thyme yesterday.

  • Why do some writers have a hard time graphing equations?

    because they spend too much time with the x-position

  • What do you do in the bathroom if you are trying to waste time?


  • What time is it when 10 elephants are chasing you?

    10 after 1

  • Who was the dankest dictator of all time?

    LMao Zedong

  • What is the most up-voted comment of all time?


  • What did the snake say when another asked him the time ?

    Don't asp me !

  • What do the Lannisters and Alice in Chains have in common?

    They pay their debts on time.

  • Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?

    Whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time.

  • What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall?

    At the Schopenhauer.

  • How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved?

    Dude,I already did my time.

  • Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

    Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

  • What's angry most of the time and wants you to stick something hard in it?

    An outlet

  • Why did people use insulation containing deadly toxins?

    It was asbestos they could do at the time!

  • How many times are you going to lick my nose in your lifetime?


  • What is a neckbeard's favorite denomination of time?


  • Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

    because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

  • What time was it when Jared got fired?

    When the big hand touched the little hand

  • What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?

    A widow

  • What time do monkeys poop?

    Tree turdy.

  • What do Jay Leno and Payton Manning have in common?

    They both know when it's time to turn things over.

  • How are you dealing with not writing any of the songs?

    He responds, "One note at a time."

  • Why did the late man stand on the clock?

    He wanted to be on time.

  • Why do rednecks love fall?

    Because it's the only time of year they can pump kin.

  • How does a tornado tell the time?

    It checks the tornado watch.

  • What animal do I respect most?

    The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

  • What will men do for pleasure at that time?

    God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.

  • What do you get when when you mix cocaine and LSD?


  • What is the difference between a guitar player and government bonds?

    Government bonds mature over time and earn money

  • Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam?

    Every time someone said "Get down!" they jumped up and started dancing.

  • What has eight arms and tells the time?

    A clocktopus Shoutout to the popper from my Xmas dinner

  • What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?

    Aw sheet! One of my favorite, cheesiest jokes of all time. Thought it would be a good first post to Reddit!

  • What does a time traveler do when he's hungry?

    He goes back 4 seconds.

  • What time?

    Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.

  • Which rappers had a flow that could simultaneously speed up and slow down at the same time?

    MC Escher

  • What time does Andy Murray go to bed?


  • What did one calculator say to the other when it was time for it to leave?

    Aight I'll calcu-lata

  • Why is Jesus' body bread?

    Because given enough time it rises

  • Why was the Gungan sent back in time by the Weeping Angel?

    He Jar Jar Blinked.

  • What time is it?

    I don't know... it keeps changing.

  • What's red and invisible at the same time?

    No tomatoes.

  • What time is it when you sit on a pin?

    Spring time.

  • Why didn't the mentally challenged kid finish his math test in time?

    Because he was too slow.

  • How did the hour and minute hands of the clock get cancer?

    Second hand smoking! My own joke that I've been meaning to put up for a while. Time to see how it goes haha.

  • What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

    I am not a cook

  • How do you fit 50 elephants into a subway station?

    You take the letter "f" out of the word "way" (there's no f in way) *joke works best when the person being asked the question has to think about it for some time and says the phrase themselves without realizing what they said

  • How does a witch tell time?

    With a witchwatch.

  • How do you give a time-out to a Mexican child?

    Have him stand against a wall.

  • Why is it best to be bitten quickly by one mosquito?

    Because an itch in time saves nine.

  • Why did the man break the clock?

    He wasn't comfortable with having that much time on his hands.

  • Why did the atoms cross the road?

    It was time to split.

  • What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?

    It was just a matter of time.

  • When is the only time a woman says something smart?

    When her sentence starts with "A wise man once said"

  • What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands?

    A pocket watch.

  • What do nuclear physicists do when they have time off?

    They go fission.

  • How did the doctor know Muhammad Ali was dead?

    He never got up by the time he counted to 10 Edit: Phrasing

  • What do women and floor tiles have in common?

    If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

  • What would the punishment be for smoking a joint in the times of Jesus Christ?

    You would get stoned. And then get rocks thrown at you.

  • What time does Wimbledon start?


  • What's the difference between a virtual car and a real one?

    You can't steal a real car a few bits at a time

  • What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do with most of his time?

    Stay up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

  • Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

    He was taking a sheet.

  • What time of day are you not able to find your watch?


  • What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common?

    Someone didn't pull it out in time.

  • How do you like going to school?

    Son: The going bit is fine as is the coming home bit too but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

  • How does a Mexican build a house?

    Juan nail at a time.

  • Why would you put a baby in a blender feet first?

    So you can make dinner and get head at the same time.

  • What did 2 say to 3 about 6?

    Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!

  • Whats the difference between a White lie and a Black lie?

    Half to none of the time.

  • Why don't asians like to applause?

    Because every time they do all they do is crap