Today Jokes

  • Why is there so much segregation today?

    All Fridays Matter

  • Why are there so many Mike Tysons on my news feed today...?

    May the forth be with you"

  • Who's there ! Bean ! Bean who ?

    Bean working very hard today !

  • Why should I submit a joke today?

    Because today's April full!

  • Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today?

    Abraham Lincoln.

  • Where does He-Man keep his towel?

    BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

  • Where's Wally?

    book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.

  • What did you learn in kindergarten today?

    5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.

  • What do we say to the god of procrastination?

    Not today.

  • What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?

    Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes

  • What are cooking for us today?

    Dingo: I'm making my famous baby coleslaw

  • What are you gonna do today?

    Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.

  • What would George Washington do if he was alive today?

    Probably get suffocated in his collapsed coffin

  • What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

    Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

  • Why did the lollipop cross the road?

    Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed.

  • Why do people love their smartphones so much?

    Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

  • What do you call electricity still flowing today?


  • What do Will and Jaden Smith like about today?

    It's After Earth Day.

  • What is today's best punch line?

    Paul christoforo

  • What's the difference between organized crime and the government?

    Only one of them is organized. Couldn't help but post this. Went to see a former mafia boss today, and that joke was told leading up to him speaking.

  • What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer?

    Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...

  • What do you call a shoe with no grip?

    A slipper. (Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)

  • What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

    Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

  • What are you doing today?

    2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure ' 2: 'I'm definite'.

  • How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?

    You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.

  • How does the balance sheet of a bank look like as of today?

    On the left side there's nothing right and on the right side there's nothing left...

  • How do you please all the people?

    Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!

  • Where are you and Mom going tonight?

    Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.

  • What do you get when you cross Gnomes and Worgen??

    Micro-Worgenisms! (From my Bizzard support ticket response today.)

  • Why didn't you go to school today?

    Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.

  • Why did the giraffe cross the highway?

    Because he bumped his head on the low-way! I guess we're doing 4 year old's jokes today :)

  • What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's?

    Gold digging

  • How many sad soccer fans are there today?

    A Brazillion...

  • What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?

    Scratching at the lid of his coffin.

  • Why did I wear no jeans today?

    my supply was short.

  • What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?

    Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P

  • What would Hellen Keller be doing if she were alive today?

    Clawing at the lid of the coffin.

  • What would Jimi Hendrix be doing today if he was still alive?

    Trying to get out of his grave.

  • What's up with that horse?

    sees a giraffe for the first time Okay, what the hell is going on today

  • What is the date in Germany/Brasil today?

    7-1. (world cup)

  • What is science?

    Student: Me Ma'am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science Student: science is our Lesson for today.

  • How would you like your school girls today, Mr. Holmes?

    Elementary, my dear Watson.

  • How do I look today?

    Bruno Mars: "When I see your faceeee" Girl: "Ok ok I get it."

  • What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today?

    He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"

  • How did you prepare for today?

    red carpet question with "Cocaine and sit ups." #GoldenGlobes

  • What do you call a chicken with no neck?

    A Hic. ----- wife hit me with this one today. Remove the n. E. C. And k. From chicken and it spells hic. I'm sorry Reddit.

  • Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan?

    Because there are already too many targets. (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)

  • Why didn't the rock make it to work today?

    He was stoned

  • Why is the Math Book so sad?

    It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.

  • Why is Kim Jong Un like todays music?

    They both ain't got the same Seoul.

  • How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?

    Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.

  • What date is it today?

    2nd April. Ha!! April fool!

  • What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

    Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

  • Why did the sperm cross the road..?

    I accidentally put on the wrong sock today....

  • How woke?

    Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

  • Why didn't the shy juggler perform at the circus today?

    Because he didn't have the balls!

  • Why did the train go left?

    Cause it couldn't get on the right track. I made that joke when I was little and remembered it today, might as well post it.

  • What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive today?

    Clawing at the inside of her coffin.

  • What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge?

    Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.

  • Why isn't anyone afraid of China?

    Because everyone knows General Tsao's chicken. Heard from a friend today. :)

  • What's the difference between the jokes from today and next week's jokes?

    The posters.

  • What came in the mail today?


  • Why is everyone smiling at me today?

    checks fly* *no pants* Aaaah.

  • What does Uncle Vernon not do today?


  • What would you like today?

    Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

  • How did the sperm cross the road?

    I put the wrong socks on today.

  • Whats the complement to a 40 degree angle?

    My you're looking "acute" today.

  • What do children think of the world?

    I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.

  • What was the humor like back then?

    I was just wondering about how many jokes today maybe irrelevant 100 years into the future. To test this theory, what are the oldest recorded jokes?

  • Why is today a trucker's favorite day?

    Cuz it's 10-4 GOOD BUDDY!!!

  • What do you call the family members of the Force?

    Force-kin My friend made this up today while talking about Star Wars.

  • Who forgot his phone charger today?

    THIS gu

  • What's today's date?


  • What is today's special at Google's employee cafeteria?

    Alphabet Soup.

  • What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?

    I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!

  • Why are you not laughing?

    Cos I'm quitting today."

  • What do you call an old person trying to fit in with today's kids?

    A dislocated hipster.

  • Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?

    A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

  • What do you want to work on today?

    Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

  • What do you call an uncertain insect today?

    A May bee.

  • Whats the V in DVD stand for?

    Cuz if it were lying down it wouldnt make any sense. (first post to reddit, made up this joke today .. be kind)

  • Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

    Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait Boss: Today!

  • What did you learn in school today?

    Not enough I have to go back tomorrow!

  • Why did the policeman stay in bed today?

    he was undercover *!*

  • How old were you on your last birthday?

    Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday Ten. Oh I don't think that's possible. Oh yes it is - I'm nine today.

  • How are you today?

    Me: Tim.

  • Where are the raisins today?

    A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

  • Why is today John Philip Sousa Day?

    Because he told everyone to march fourth.

  • What does the internet need to take when its constipated?

    Google Fiber Note: Randomly came up with this joke today

  • What's not 50% off today?

    Health insurance

  • What costs you a fortune and leaves you in tears a year and a half later?

    Not cancer, but my relationship that just ended today!

  • What do WNBA players make?

    Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share

  • Why are you so happy?

    Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine"

  • How many beers is that for you today, dear?

    Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.

  • How do fast food restaurants make so much money?

    OC "They flip burgers for profit!" Just thought of this at a baseball game today, kinda quirky and simple!

  • How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

    BART: I don't know where my hair starts

  • What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

    Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

  • Where'd ya get it?

    The parrot says, "Africa." (I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)

  • What can I get you today?

    Harambe: May I get a martini Me: Just ice for Harambe. Harambe: Just ice Me: Justice for Harambe.

  • What did David Crockett say when he looked over the Alamo wall and saw 3000 Mexicans?

    Hey I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.

  • How bad is the economy?

    Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

  • What's the difference between the jokes I read today, and the jokes I read last week?

    The posters

  • What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crocket when thousands of Mexicans charged at them at the Alamo?

    Davey.... are we pouring concrete today "

  • What's wrong with them?

    his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."

  • How is today Monday?

    It was Friday only a few hours ago...

  • What's the difference between a man who owns a gun and a man who owns a bank?

    A man with a gun can rob a bank. A man with a bank can rob the world. (Disclaimer: reword of someone else's post to FB today.)

  • What would Marilyn Monroe being doing if she were alive today?

    Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

  • What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?

    A: "Today children we will learn our ABC's"

  • What does a television have in common with a rabbit?

    His ears! Yes, this is a real joke I got from a Laffy Taffy wrapper today, not 30 years ago. I did not laugh.

  • What's the difference between snow tires and slaves?

    Slaves sing when chains are put on them. PS - im going to church today to beg for forgiveness

  • What's the difference between my job and my boss's daughter?

    I'm not coming into work today

  • How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Who wants to know? .... saw this joke in today's

  • What should I tell him?

    Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."