Today Jokes
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Why is there so much segregation today?
All Fridays Matter
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Why are there so many Mike Tysons on my news feed today...?
May the forth be with you"
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Who's there ! Bean ! Bean who ?
Bean working very hard today !
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Why should I submit a joke today?
Because today's April full!
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Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today?
Abraham Lincoln.
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Where does He-Man keep his towel?
BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.
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Where's Wally?
book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.
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What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.
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What do we say to the god of procrastination?
Not today.
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What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes
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What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I'm making my famous baby coleslaw
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What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.
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What would George Washington do if he was alive today?
Probably get suffocated in his collapsed coffin
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What's the difference between a cook and a homo?
Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.
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Why did the lollipop cross the road?
Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed.
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Why do people love their smartphones so much?
Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)
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What do you call electricity still flowing today?
Current.
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What do Will and Jaden Smith like about today?
It's After Earth Day.
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What is today's best punch line?
Paul christoforo
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What's the difference between organized crime and the government?
Only one of them is organized. Couldn't help but post this. Went to see a former mafia boss today, and that joke was told leading up to him speaking.
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What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer?
Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...
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What do you call a shoe with no grip?
A slipper. (Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)
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What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?
Scratching at the inside of his coffin.
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What are you doing today?
2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure ' 2: 'I'm definite'.
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How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?
You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.
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How does the balance sheet of a bank look like as of today?
On the left side there's nothing right and on the right side there's nothing left...
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How do you please all the people?
Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!
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Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.
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What do you get when you cross Gnomes and Worgen??
Micro-Worgenisms! (From my Bizzard support ticket response today.)
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Why didn't you go to school today?
Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.
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Why did the giraffe cross the highway?
Because he bumped his head on the low-way! I guess we're doing 4 year old's jokes today :)
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What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's?
Gold digging
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How many sad soccer fans are there today?
A Brazillion...
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What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?
Scratching at the lid of his coffin.
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Why did I wear no jeans today?
my supply was short.
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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?
Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P
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What would Hellen Keller be doing if she were alive today?
Clawing at the lid of the coffin.
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What would Jimi Hendrix be doing today if he was still alive?
Trying to get out of his grave.
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What's up with that horse?
sees a giraffe for the first time Okay, what the hell is going on today
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What is the date in Germany/Brasil today?
7-1. (world cup)
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What is science?
Student: Me Ma'am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science Student: science is our Lesson for today.
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How would you like your school girls today, Mr. Holmes?
Elementary, my dear Watson.
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How do I look today?
Bruno Mars: "When I see your faceeee" Girl: "Ok ok I get it."
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What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today?
He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"
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How did you prepare for today?
red carpet question with "Cocaine and sit ups." #GoldenGlobes
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What do you call a chicken with no neck?
A Hic. ----- wife hit me with this one today. Remove the n. E. C. And k. From chicken and it spells hic. I'm sorry Reddit.
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Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan?
Because there are already too many targets. (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)
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Why didn't the rock make it to work today?
He was stoned
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Why is the Math Book so sad?
It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.
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Why is Kim Jong Un like todays music?
They both ain't got the same Seoul.
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How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?
Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.
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What date is it today?
2nd April. Ha!! April fool!
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What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!
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Why did the sperm cross the road..?
I accidentally put on the wrong sock today....
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How woke?
Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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Why didn't the shy juggler perform at the circus today?
Because he didn't have the balls!
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Why did the train go left?
Cause it couldn't get on the right track. I made that joke when I was little and remembered it today, might as well post it.
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What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive today?
Clawing at the inside of her coffin.
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What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge?
Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.
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Why isn't anyone afraid of China?
Because everyone knows General Tsao's chicken. Heard from a friend today. :)
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What's the difference between the jokes from today and next week's jokes?
The posters.
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What came in the mail today?
Anthrax.
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Why is everyone smiling at me today?
checks fly* *no pants* Aaaah.
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What does Uncle Vernon not do today?
Post.
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What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
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How did the sperm cross the road?
I put the wrong socks on today.
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Whats the complement to a 40 degree angle?
My you're looking "acute" today.
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What do children think of the world?
I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.
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What was the humor like back then?
I was just wondering about how many jokes today maybe irrelevant 100 years into the future. To test this theory, what are the oldest recorded jokes?
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Why is today a trucker's favorite day?
Cuz it's 10-4 GOOD BUDDY!!!
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What do you call the family members of the Force?
Force-kin My friend made this up today while talking about Star Wars.
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Who forgot his phone charger today?
THIS gu
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What's today's date?
Germany/Brazil/2016
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What is today's special at Google's employee cafeteria?
Alphabet Soup.
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What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?
I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!
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Why are you not laughing?
Cos I'm quitting today."
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What do you call an old person trying to fit in with today's kids?
A dislocated hipster.
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Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
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What do you want to work on today?
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet
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What do you call an uncertain insect today?
A May bee.
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Whats the V in DVD stand for?
Cuz if it were lying down it wouldnt make any sense. (first post to reddit, made up this joke today .. be kind)
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Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?
Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait Boss: Today!
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What did you learn in school today?
Not enough I have to go back tomorrow!
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Why did the policeman stay in bed today?
he was undercover *!*
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How old were you on your last birthday?
Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday Ten. Oh I don't think that's possible. Oh yes it is - I'm nine today.
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How are you today?
Me: Tim.
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Where are the raisins today?
A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."
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Why is today John Philip Sousa Day?
Because he told everyone to march fourth.
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What does the internet need to take when its constipated?
Google Fiber Note: Randomly came up with this joke today
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What's not 50% off today?
Health insurance
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What costs you a fortune and leaves you in tears a year and a half later?
Not cancer, but my relationship that just ended today!
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What do WNBA players make?
Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share
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Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine"
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How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.
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How do fast food restaurants make so much money?
OC "They flip burgers for profit!" Just thought of this at a baseball game today, kinda quirky and simple!
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How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don't know where my hair starts
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What would George Washington do if he were alive today?
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
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Where'd ya get it?
The parrot says, "Africa." (I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)
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What can I get you today?
Harambe: May I get a martini Me: Just ice for Harambe. Harambe: Just ice Me: Justice for Harambe.
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What did David Crockett say when he looked over the Alamo wall and saw 3000 Mexicans?
Hey I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.
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How bad is the economy?
Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
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What's the difference between the jokes I read today, and the jokes I read last week?
The posters
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What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crocket when thousands of Mexicans charged at them at the Alamo?
Davey.... are we pouring concrete today "
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What's wrong with them?
his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."
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How is today Monday?
It was Friday only a few hours ago...
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What's the difference between a man who owns a gun and a man who owns a bank?
A man with a gun can rob a bank. A man with a bank can rob the world. (Disclaimer: reword of someone else's post to FB today.)
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What would Marilyn Monroe being doing if she were alive today?
Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
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What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
A: "Today children we will learn our ABC's"
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What does a television have in common with a rabbit?
His ears! Yes, this is a real joke I got from a Laffy Taffy wrapper today, not 30 years ago. I did not laugh.
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What's the difference between snow tires and slaves?
Slaves sing when chains are put on them. PS - im going to church today to beg for forgiveness
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What's the difference between my job and my boss's daughter?
I'm not coming into work today
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How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who wants to know? .... saw this joke in today's
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What should I tell him?
Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."