Touch Jokes
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Why did they arrest Jared Fogle at 3:15?
That's when the big hand touches the little hand.
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How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch?
The big hand's touching the little hand.
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What do you call an astronaut that doesn't like being touched?
A personal space man
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What do you call a gangster who is really in touch with his emotions?
An emo-g
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What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson?
One of them got shot for touching a kid.
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Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Disney movie?
Disney movies can still touch little kids.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.
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Why the turnout at Michael Jackson's funeral?
He touched a lot of people.
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What happens when skin touches skin, hair touches hair, and Balls Disappear?
Answer: You Blink Your Eyes.
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Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?
Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.
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What disease is most easily contracted by touching your hands together?
The clap.
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How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?
When the big hand touches the little hand
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What's Jared Fogle's favorite time of day?
When the big hand touches the little one
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Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?
Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....
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Why can a T-Rex not touch his toes?
Because he's extinct
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What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?
dads in unison DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
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What's the most frighting thing you can read in braille?
Do not touch.
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What do black guys have that's double the size of white men and gets bigger every time they touch a woman?
A. Their criminal record
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Why did the nun call the Womens helpline?
because she was touched by Jesus.
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How would you write do not touch in Braile?
A. With copper wire and strong electric current. (read it in a shower thoughts thread)
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What do you call wood-smoothing equipment that's hot to the touch?
Bernie Sanders
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When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?
Disney Movies still touch kids
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What's the worst thing to read in Braille?
Don't touch this.
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What does MC Hammer and antimatter have in common?
Can't touch this!
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What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was?
George Lucas.
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF file.
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What is the scariest thing to read in braile?
Do not touch"
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When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
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What did the pirate say to the other pirate?
Don't touch my booty
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What time is bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
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How do you know when it's midnight at Neverland Ranch?
The big hand touches the little hand.
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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies?
Disney movies can still touch children.
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Why are you letting people touch your new born?
I don't let people touch my new iPhone
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Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?
Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.
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What did David say when the tourist tried to touch him?
Don't touch my marbles.
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What goes above the water and below the water but doesn't touch the water?
An egg in a duck.
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What's the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille?
Danger: Do not touch"
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What actor touches every girl on set?
David Cop-a-feel
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What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?
Their criminal record.
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What is a Catholic choir boy's favorite song?
Can't Touch This"
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What do Michael Jackson and Jimmy Savile have in common?
they touched some many lives
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What do they have in common ?
Both of them can sniff "the goods" but no one can touch !
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How are asymptotes like women?
You can get close to it, but you can't touch it
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Where do you touch a woman to give yourself the most pleasure?
The back of her head.
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What do you call a guy who likes touching unripened cheese?
A fetaphile
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What happens when Anthony Weiner tries to shake someones hand?
They think long and hard before they touch weiner.
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How do people usually feel after touching an electric fence?
Shocked.
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Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
He touched the beaker before it was cool.
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When is it bedtime at the neverland ranch?
When the big hand touches the little one.
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What time was it when Jared got fired?
When the big hand touched the little hand
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Whats the world weakest animal ?
A toad he croaks if you even touch him !
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What happens when your scrotum touches the edge of the toilet bowl?
Ebowla.
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What's the difference between virgin olive oil and extra virgin olive oil?
thick Italian accent* "She don't even touch it."
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What did the bear say to the judge?
I bearly touched her.
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Where did he touch you as a kid?
that will be an extra $50."
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How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?
When your nose touches the ceiling !
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What do characters at Disney World and strippers have in common?
No touching!
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How about if I put a balloon over it?
Would you touch it then " -guy who invented condoms
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What do museums and girls have in common?
It is always look but don't touch.
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What will never be read in braille?
Do not touch.