Train Jokes

  • How do locomotives know where they're going?

    Lots of training

  • How do you get an elephant on a train?

    You take the "S" out of sub, and the "F" out of way. Say it out loud

  • Why is a train like a stick of gum?

    A: One goes choo-choo the other goes chew-chew.

  • Why is it not safe to doze on trains?

    Because they run over sleepers.

  • What do you call someone who specializes in trains?

    A trained professional

  • How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?

    He was a good conductor.

  • How do Russian sprinters train?

    They put a bottle of vodka 100 meters away from them.

  • Why don't american have a bullet train?

    They use the bullets to train the military.

  • Where do Eskimos train their dogs ?

    In the mush room !

  • How do trains from different countries understand each other?

    With a trainslator

  • Why don't women get hit by trains?

    There is no railroad tracks between the living room and the kitchen.

  • What do good dragons read when they are pregnant?

    How to Train Your Dragon. Good parenting, that is.

  • Where do cows like to ride on trains?

    In the cow-boose.

  • When is a train being polite at dinner time?

    When it choo's quietly.

  • Why did Jesus have a six pack?

    It was from all the cross-training...

  • When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train?

    When it's on the train.

  • What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

    One says, "Spit out your gum!" The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"

  • Why did the Mexican guy rob a train?

    He had a loco motive.

  • Why cant train drivers be sentenced to the electric chair?

    Because they're bad conductors.

  • Where does Joseph Kony train his soldiers?


  • What was Captain Picard's favorite kind of train?


  • Why did the Spanish train aficionado blow up his trains?

    He had loco motives.

  • Why are trains so energetic?

    They have Conductors.

  • Where do crabs take the train?

    King's Cross Station :)

  • Why did the train get hit by lighting?

    Because of the conductor.

  • Who sang at the funeral of those who died in a railroads arson?

    Adele. Some one set fire to the train

  • What do you call a train that has a tobacco addiction?

    A chew-chew train.

  • How do they educate locomotive drivers?

    They train them

  • How many trains have I derailed in all my years as a train driver?

    It's hard to keep track.

  • What's the difference between a optimist, a pessimist and a realist?

    The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. The pessimist sees nothing. And the realist sees the train.

  • What type of train can a ginger not ride?

    A soul train

  • What's the best thing from New York City?

    The train to Boston

  • How many trains have you derailed to date?

    I replied "It's hard to keep track."

  • Why do you keep saying flail?

    Because Fail isn't in my vocabulary. ------- Overheard on the train.

  • What's the difference between a school teacher and a train?

    A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.

  • What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?

    One trains the mind the other minds the train.

  • Whats a mile long and has a thousand arms?

    The train to Auschwitz. Some German guy i used to play Path of Exile with told it to me.

  • Why don't nice people ride the train?

    Because they're usually found on trucks.

  • What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

    The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"

  • What did the new KKK member say during his training?

    Hey, I'm getting the hang of it!"

  • What's the difference between a New Yorker and a Canadian?

    A New Yorker takes the A train; a Canadian takes the train, eh.

  • How do you get a Charmander and a Metapod on a train?

    You poke 'em on.

  • What job do you never stop training for?


  • Why can trains go for longer than cars?

    Because cars get tyred but trains do not, with the exception of Rubber-tyred metro systems.

  • What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train ?

    A laplander !

  • What kind of ears do trains have?

    Engineers (engine ears).

  • What's a difference between a teacher and a train?

    The teacher tells you to spit you gum out. The train says, "Chew, chew, chew!"

  • How do locomotives know where they're going?

    Lots of training.

  • Why don't you take a train?

    Monster: I did once but my mother made me give it back.

  • Why are trains always being falsely imprisoned?

    A. Because of their loco motives

  • How is marriage and CPR training the same?

    You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again

  • Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ?

    Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish !

  • What do you call a doctor who is trained in neurosurgery and is covering for a gynecologist?

    A pervert.

  • Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons ?

    Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train !

  • What's the difference between a train and SONY?

    When the train announces an arriving "Station", you can see it.

  • What do you call a pokemon that's part train?

    A Pikachoochoo.

  • Why are locomotive drivers so good at driving locomotives?

    Because they were trained.

  • What's the worst part about being a railroad conductor?

    The training.

  • Why did a Hispanic man rob a train?

    He had loco motives!

  • Why did the train go to the brothel?

    To blow of a little steam

  • What's the difference between a schoolteacher and a train driver?

    A schoolteacher says "Spit out that toffee" and a train says "Choo choo."

  • What does train tracks and breast have in common?

    They are both ment for boys but in the end it's the men who plays with them

  • How did Godzilla escape the trains?

    He threw them off their tracks.

  • What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

    One minds the train the other trains the mind.

  • How do you top a train?

    Tep on the break tupid! :D:D:D

  • Why is stormtrooper always late from work?

    He keeps missing his train

  • Why is a train a bad person to go to the bar with?

    Because all he says is "Chug Chug Chug"

  • What is the difference between a Train and an Hamster ?

    The train got windows

  • How to Train Your Dragon 2' Me: Friend: Me: to what?


  • What did the cow say when she got hit by a car?

    Moo." What did the cow saw when she fell into a ditch? "Moo." What did the cow say when she fell onto the electric fence? "Moo." What did the cow say when she got hit by a train? "Why does everything always happen to meeee?" Protip: My dad wrote this joke for me when I was six.