Try Jokes

  • What did Reddit say to his elderly mother when he tried to take her to a home?

    Get in the Karma.

  • What do you call someone who keeps trying the same thing again and again, yet expects different results?

    A weapons designer for the First Order.

  • How do you convince your neighbor to share their water with you?

    Try to get a long well.

  • What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

    I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.

  • What's the worst part about working with a gamer?

    They're always trying to 1-Up you.

  • Why does a dog lick it's balls?

    Because they're delicious. What? You've never tried them? You're missing out.

  • How do you greet an overweight Micronesian when you're trying to sound cool?

    Microsoft Word.

  • What's red, white, and full of holes?

    Helen Keller's face after she tries to use a fork.

  • Why is my waiting room empty?

    Judge: "I hauled everyone off to court" Doctor: "You're trying my patients"

  • How did a blind woman drive herself crazy?

    A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

  • Why did the frat boy throw away his curtains?

    He was trying to get some Natural Light.

  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's trying to get home?

    A taxi

  • What did the right testlcle say to the left?

    Look at this guy in the middle trying to act all hard

  • How many IT support techs does it take to change a lightbulb?

    have you tried turning the light off and back on?"

  • How do you manage that?

    I think it was when I tried to push it through the letterbox.

  • What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose ?

    I'm not sure but I wouldn't try smelling it !

  • Why do you make more money?

    A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

  • Why was the teacher arrested for writing in permanent marker?

    He wrote "1 + 0 = 0" and then spent the rest of the lesson trying to rub one out...

  • Why do women have trouble peeing in the morning?

    You ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich

  • Why do the walking dead survivors try to get to washington D.C.?

    Because it's their Michonne.

  • What do you call an actor who has given up civilized life and gone to live in the wilderness?

    Will Feral. Edit: I tried

  • Why did the AC wave try to hang himself?

    He was sinusoidal.

  • Why did the beer get bottled?

    He was trying to dodge the draft.

  • What did the Secret Service agent say to the President-elect when someone tried to take a shot at him?

    Donald, Duck!

  • What were you doing?

    flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts* "Grad school."

  • What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?

    Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs "

  • What do you call... What do you call it when a person in a wheelchair tries to get through a non-automatic door?

    A tard time

  • How do you know he's a peeping tom?

    Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

  • How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?

    One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.

  • Why are sewer covers called manholes?

    If they were called womanholes, guys would keep trying to get in.

  • Why did your sister keep running around her bed ?

    Because she was trying to catch up with her sleep.

  • Why did the idiot drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff?

    He wanted to try out his new air brakes.

  • Why is Yoda Programming full of exceptions ?

    Because there is no try.

  • What do you get... What do you get when you try to inject Human DNA into a goat?

    Banned from the petting zoo, apparently.

  • What's the difference between a feminist and a doormat?

    You might try and knock some mud off on the sidewalk before you step on the doormat.

  • What do boys and algebra have in common?

    They are both trying to find their X and they don't know Y.

  • Why did the pacifist /b/tard try to calm everyone down?

    He did it for the

  • What do you say when trying to catch the elevator?

    Hodor! Hodor!"

  • Why did the kids with the fancy bus try so hard?

    Fo' Frizzle

  • Why didn't the black kid play Pokemon?

    He was afraid they were trying to catch Jamal.

  • What's your best mattress joke?

    Trying to win a new mattress in a contest and I need a clean mattress joke to win (dumb, I know)

  • How do you know if a Chinaman robbed your house?

    Your homework is done and your computer is upgraded, but two hours later he is still trying to back out of your driveway.

  • Why do Germans make such good cars?

    To try and make up for the Holocaust.

  • What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?

    One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.

  • What's the worst thing about being a Jehovah's witness?

    Nobody asks, 'who's there ' when you try and tell a knock knock joke.

  • How many French people need to defend Paris?

    It isn't known, never tried.

  • How many blind people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    I am not sure, I haven't seen them try and I can't do it either.

  • What's the difference between a pair of shoes and a ginger girl?

    You try your best to keep your shoes from getting wet when you go to town.

  • How many IT professionals does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Have you tried turning it off and back on?

  • What did the mathematician say about vertical videos?

    I'm sorry, but the video you filmed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

  • Why did Jesus get a ticket?

    He tried to skip the Cross walk.

  • Why is he 50m from where he got shot?

    Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history"

  • How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it's not going to start?

    According to my neighbor it's 458 times.

  • How Do We Know That Adam Wasn't Black?

    Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man

  • How do we know Adam & Eve weren't black?

    You ever tried taking a rib from a black man

  • Whats the difference between a hippy chick and a washing machine?

    When you drop a load in, it doesn't follow you around for 6 months trying to get spun. 8)

  • What is something that everyone overlooks no matter how hard they try not to?

    Their nose

  • What did the bartender say to the girl that tried to steal a drink?

    It was worth a shot.

  • Why did the Afgahni get burnt lips?

    Because he tried to blow up a bus.

  • What's the definition of a good actor?

    Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.

  • What did Lil' Jon do when Home Depot employee tried to sell him a lightbulb?

    Turned down 4 watt

  • Why are people who vape always trying to chase after bigger clouds?

    More storage space.

  • How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

    It is when the blind try to read your face

  • How did the polish terrorist burn his lips?

    Burned them on a cars tailpipe when he tried blowing it up.

  • How many liberals does it take to defend America?

    Nobody knows, they've never tried.

  • What movie should we see?

    ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*

  • Why did Helen Keller try lsd?

    Because she was told it makes you see things!

  • Why no pants on?

    We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

  • How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    none. That's a hardware problem but have you tried turning it on and off again

  • What do you do if a girl sits on your hand?

    Try to get her off!

  • What did the melon say to his daughter after she tried to get married?

    You cant-elope!

  • Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

    Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

  • What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

    A! U!!! If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

  • How many tweekers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Depends on which method you try....

  • How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse ?

    Try picking them up !

  • Why doesn't Jesus enjoy manicures or pedicures?

    Because they always try to mess with his nails.

  • What would I do if Future tried talking to me?

    I'd autotune him out. :)

  • Why do we paint Easter eggs?

    Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

  • Why did the goat stop trying to break out of jail?

    Because he was just tired of being an escape goat.

  • What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat ?

    He had to get a new goat !

  • Why did the old man hate using the new chip cards?

    He's trying to watch his sodium intake.

  • What does Team Rocket and a Peeping tom have in common?

    They are both always trying to get a Pikachu.

  • What did the physicist say when he tried to meditate?

    Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm...

  • Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?

    Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

  • What would Jimi Hendrix be doing today if he was still alive?

    Trying to get out of his grave.

  • What have you tried so far?

    Me: Everything IT guy: Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

  • What's the difference between a worm and an apple ?

    Have you ever tried worm pie !

  • How do you know if a Korean gang robbed your house?

    Because all the rice is gone, and three hours later, they are still trying to back out of your driveway.

  • How did they invent break dancing?

    Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.

  • What did the bartender say to the jumper cables?

    You better not try to start anything.

  • What was Carl Sagan really trying to say about the brain?

    In Soviet Russia, consciousness regulates the cerebral cortex.

  • What did one ovary say to the other one?

    What did one ovary say to the other one? "Did you order any furniture?" "No. Why?" asked the other. "Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."

  • What has four legs and says "hoe de doe, hoe de doe"?

    Two black guys trying to catch an elevator.

  • What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk ?

    Dirty looks from the mouse !

  • What do you call those people who follow musicians around and try to hang with them after the show?


  • How did Helen Keller lose her arm?

    Trying to read the road signs!!!

  • Why was the Energizer Bunny tried in court?

    He was charged with battery.

  • How did Helen Keller break her arm?

    She broke it trying to read the road signs.

  • Why should you try to date girls you meet at the gym?

    Because you already know she'll work out.

  • What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common?

    They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

  • Why did the cannibal get banned from the hospital?

    He kept trying the doctors patients(patience)

  • Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?

    She was trying to blow the horn

  • Why was the blonde crawling on the ground in the shop?

    She was trying to find the lowest prices

  • How to you tell a naval officer from and RAF officer on an aircraft carrier?

    The naval officer is trying to feed bread to the helicopters!

  • Why did helium get into a fight with neon?

    They can't bond with each other, no matter how hard they try.

  • Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

    Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle

  • What do women and pine trees have in common?

    Every time you try to get on one, they ruin it by getting sappy.

  • Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

    A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!

  • Why doctor?

    Doctor: "Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting."

  • Why can't John complete a workout?

    He tried, but it didn't work out.

  • Why don't they let Italians swim in Long Island Sound?

    If you know that one, try this one: Why do seagulls fly to the dump

  • Why do women try to talk football?

    Do you see me in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies No. You don't.

  • What would be the perfect theme song to Oscar Pistorius kicking trying to kick down a bathroom door?

    Good Vibrations

  • How about anonymous white people arguing with one another viciously on the internet?

    Has that been tried yet

  • Why are Jedi terrible at Rugby?

    Because "There is no Try."

  • Why did microsoft go straight to windows 10 ?

    They were trying to keep their german market.

  • Why is it so hard for an eighty year old woman to pee in the morning?

    Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?!

  • What's it called when you try a different flavor of salsa?

    A change of pace.

  • Why did Mary get a restraining order against Black Beard the Pirate?

    He kept trying to plunder her booty.

  • What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?

    To catch a predator. Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5? Because they can't even! Why do white people have so many pets? Because owning people is not legal anymore Would love to hear more white people-specific jokes :) They seem to be really rare.

  • What did the person say when someone tried to cut off their toes?

    I'm lactose intolerant.

  • What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so?

    Curses, foiled again!"

  • What is an Actor?

    A man who tries to be everything but himself

  • How to make your ears pop?

    Try some sparkly earrings.

  • What has four legs and yells "Hodi doh, hodi doh?

    Two black guys trying to catch an elevator.

  • What do you call someone who claims to do drugs to try to look cool?

    A marajuannabe.

  • Why can't you try someone for grave digging?

    Because it was found on the ground.

  • What did the Israelite say to the american when offering him a drink?

    Here, try this, Israeli refreshing!"

  • Why don't you try calling them names too?

    Steve: "I can't, they're so beautiful"

  • What did the husband say to his wife when he tried pushing it in as much as he could, but it still wouldn't fit?

    He said "I'm going to try on a different shoe size."

  • What did the dejected man say to the considerate calculator trying to console him?

    It's the bot that counts.

  • What happens when a Cow tries to jump over a fence?

    Udder destruction

  • Why is that, doc?

    He replied, "I'm trying to examine you."

  • What did the stuttering Mexican say to his friend when he tried to steal his food?

    These are nacho-nachos.

  • Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

    Ever try and peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich

  • What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

    I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.

  • What's a funny non-racist joke a Polish person would laugh at?

    Just trying to make a Polish girl I like laugh

  • What do bad dancers have in common with Michael J Fox trying to use the soft serve ice cream machine?

    They both have a hard time pulling off a twist.

  • Why couldn't the choir director figure out whether Alison Brie was alto soprano?

    Everytime he tried, he was told that she was young and that they tried not to sectionalise her.

  • What do these shoes do?

    GLINDA: Send you home D: Lame tries new pair And these G: Wait- D: clicks heels turns into hamburger

  • Why the hate for necromancers?

    T They're just trying to raise a family.

  • Why was the marsupial wrongly convicted?

    He was tried in a kangaroo court.

  • What do you do on a remote island?

    Try and find the TV island it belongs to.

  • Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

    They're trying to get away from the noise.

  • Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote Republican this year?

    Last time she tried Democrat it left a bad taste in her mouth.

  • What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer?

    Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.

  • What happened did someone try to break into your house?

    Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk

  • Why don't men want to go down on a woman first thing in the morning?

    have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese?

  • Why is the homeless /r/anime mod still homeless?

    Every time someone tries to give him Shelter, he rejects it.

  • Why are you studying your Easter candy?

    I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"

  • Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always running after the ghost of Henry VIII ?

    She was trying to get ahead !

  • Why was the farmer disappointed when he tried to marry his prized melon?

    Because the minister wouldn't marry the two, since a melon can't elope!

  • Whats the first thing you do when you spill something on your keyboard?

    Try to disable sticky keys.

  • What does a food lover do when they try a new food?


  • What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery ?


  • What do you do when an angry pack of clowns confronts you and tries to fight?

    Go straight for the juggler.

  • Why pink camo?

    Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol

  • How many Frenchman does it take to defend France?

    I don't know. They've never tried.

  • Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

    Secretary: My lawyer.

  • Why is there no volume control on the microwave?

    Must it always wake the entire house when I'm trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza

  • What do you say when you are trying to scare your girlfriend?

    Boo bae! (Read aloud please)

  • What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?

    Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

  • Why couldn't the retarded man talk normally?

    He was trying to hold the door

  • Why did your sister jump out the window ?

    Because she wanted to try out her new spring suit

  • How's Terry Fox like Jack Layton?

    They both tried to run a country and died before finishing.

  • What Einstein say when someone tried to take his beer?

    Nein! Mein Stein!....sorry

  • What's the worst thing about your girlfriend having a miscarriage?

    Trying to look upset.

  • How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

  • How do you find Will Smith in a heavy snow storm?

    Try to find the fresh prints

  • Why don't old men like old women?

    Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich

  • What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?

    Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"

  • Why did the little pig try to join the Navy?

    He loved to sing "Oinkers Aweight"

  • How can you tell if Asians have broken into your house?

    The dog is gone, the homework is done, and they're still trying to get out of the driveway.

  • What did Yoda say to Luke when he was constipated?

    Try or try not, there is no do.

  • Why is Arjen Robben not being invited to Alfredo Di Stefanos funeral?

    They're scared he'll try to dive in the box.

  • How many tries does it take to get to the front page?

    A LOT.

  • What did David say when the tourist tried to touch him?

    Don't touch my marbles.

  • How did the instructor try to make horse riding enjoyable?

    He tried to stirrup some interest!

  • Why were the Chinese trying to light a bbq grill out in the rain?

    Because it was raining cats and dogs. :D

  • What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a school bus?

    He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

  • What did the yoga teacher say to her land lord when he tried to evict her?

    Nah Imma stay

  • Why didn't Jesus ever play in the NHL?

    because every time he tried he got nailed to the boards!

  • How do the French defend a city?

    We don't know, they've never tried it.

  • Why have you got cotton wool in your ears do you have an infection ?

    Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!

  • How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

    Nobody knows because they've never tried

  • How many femenists does it *really* take to change a lightbulb?

    Doesn't matter how many femenists try, they can't change anything. Alternatively, they just hold it up and wait for the world to revolve around them.

  • What did Ernie say when his friend tried to convince him he was ice cream?

    Are you surebert?

  • Why did the Mexican try to wear his taco?

    He was dyslexic.

  • How to have an unforgettable date?

    1. Have a date. 2. Try not to forget it.

  • Why do carcinogens want to give us cancer so badly?

    Because they're trying asbestos they can.

  • What do you call 4 Mexicans trying to cross a river?


  • What did Helen Keller's friend say to her?

    offensive) You should try blind dating.

  • What did the clerk say to the customer who tried to buy a candy bar with plastic quarters?

    This is non-cents!

  • Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?

    From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

  • Why did the vengeful fireman lose his job?

    He tried fighting fire with fire.

  • How do you know if a Chinese man has robbed your house?

    Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later, he's still trying to back out of your driveway.

  • Why did two ferrets decide to meet?

    They were trying to start a business.

  • How long have we been married dear?

    Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

  • What happened to the cow when she tried to jump over the barbed wire fence?

    Udder destruction.

  • How many men do you need to defend Paris?

    I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

  • How did the Hulk feel after trying to lift Mjolnir?

    He felt Thor.

  • Why did the mirror have holes in it?

    A: A moron kept trying to shoot himself.

  • Why did Sally the stripper stop dating the guitar player?

    He kept trying to tune her G string.

  • How are relationships like algebra?

    You look at your X and try to find out Y

  • Why was Hillary thrown out of a restaurant?

    She trashed the bill. Alt punch line 1 (u/Causative): She demanded her own private server and tried to have her meals removed.

  • What are you doing, creep?

    she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

  • Why did Hannibal Lecter try DiGiorno's Pizza?

    He heard it had de y flavor.

  • What do call it when actor Charles Dance tries to flirt?

    Dance moves.

  • What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?

    Time to try the udder one."

  • What you got there?

    Not sure", replies the fellow, "But you have got to try-a-lil'-bite!"

  • Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery?

    Q: Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery? A: Because her career as a comic was stuck, but no matter how he tried, the Dr. couldn't pull a laugh out of her.

  • What's the difference between Joe Paterno and Harambe?

    Harambe tried to save the kids.

  • Why Did Superman Save a Burning Chemistry Lab?

    He was trying to save Krypton

  • What's the difference between Jared Fogle's divorce and other divorces?

    Most married couples tried to stay together FOR the kids. Not divorce because of them.

  • What's dumber than three blondes building a house underwater?

    Three brunettes trying to burn it down.

  • Why isn't Sean Connery allowed to play Super Mario Bros. any more?

    He kept trying to shave the princess.

  • Why is there all this hate against necromancers?

    They are just trying to raise a family in peace.

  • What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play?


  • What happened when the cow tried to milk itself?

    It was an udder catastrophe.

  • What did Bruce Willis say to motivate his son?

    Son, if at first you don't succeed, Try Hard. If that doesn't work, Try Hard 2. If that still doesn't work, Try Hard with a Vengeance. Remember, you can't pick between the choice to Live Free or Try Hard. They go together. Everyday's A Good Day to Try Hard."

  • How about this one?

    Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn't even try it on. Psychic: I'm a medium.

  • How did the blind girl accidentally get pregnant?

    As careful as she tried to be, she could never have seen him coming

  • What do you get when a deaf guy tries to talk to you at a urinal?


  • Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships?

    Because they're always trying to find the x. They don't know y, either.

  • What did the Italian chef say when his boss tried to pick a fight?

    You wanna pizza me !

  • Why can't American engineers design linear actuators?

    Because they always try to maximize the degrees of freedom.

  • Why did the French police arrested the Muslim teenager?

    Because he was trying to detonate a Samsung Note 7.

  • How does a mathematician deal with constipation?

    He grabs a pencil and tries to work it out

  • Why did the boy peek down the toilet bowl?

    He was trying to find Winnie the Pooh.

  • Why did the girl loaf of stale bread slap the boy loaf of stale bread?

    A: Because he tried to get fresh.

  • Where can you find Jhene Aiko at Bed Peace?

    At bed, blunt, and beyond. Bada tssss. I tried.

  • What do you call an old person trying to fit in with today's kids?

    A dislocated hipster.

  • What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

    I am not a cook

  • Why are they called The Fine Bros?

    Because they try to get everyone fined for copyright.

  • What do you call a pilot who tries to tell a joke but gets distracted and crashes his plane into a building?

    A comickaze

  • Why are men afraid of the world?

    They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.

  • What was the first treacherous thing said?

    Adam you gotta try this!

  • Why was ex so lonely at the party?

    Because every time he tried to integrate, he ended up with himself.

  • How does a sloth hang itself?

    By trying to jump rope.

  • Why are pigs such early risers?

    Did you ever try to shut off a rooster

  • What did the IT guy say to his wife after she complained about their love life?

    Did you try turning me off and on again?"

  • How do you get a date on Tinder?

    Seriously guys, I've been trying for months so if anyone have any useful tips it would be much appreciated.

  • Why was little Billy so sad when his friends played on the swingset?

    He had no arms. Sorry that joke was stupid, let me try again. Knock Knock "Whose there?" Not Billy

  • What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room?

    You made the chain too long in the kitchen.

  • How many countries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Five. Germany to start it, France to try and then give up almost immediately, Italy to start, give up, and try again from the other side, America to finish it and claim credit for the whole thing, and Switzerland to sit in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.

  • Why did Mexico reduce the number of days an American tourist can stay in their country from 180 days to 90 days ?

    Because after 90 days in Mexico, even they try to enter the US illegally.

  • Why are there school shootings?

    Mr.Garrison: "Let's start the day with a world news question. Why are there school shootings?" The media: "Violent video games?" Mr.Garrison: "Okay, now lets try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.

  • What did the doctor say to the injured gingerbread man?

    Why don't you try icing it

  • What would you call the Islamic State if they tried to take over Antarctica?

    Ice-is I'll show myself out.

  • How'd you die?

    I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You " "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."

  • How did the mobster burn his lips on a tailpipe?

    He tried to blow up a police car.

  • What did the doctor say to the prosecutor?

    You're trying my patients!

  • What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you?

    You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.

  • What did the angry dough ball say to the other dough ball?

    You trying to get a rise out of me! Came up with while I was making pizza.

  • What's it called when you try not to get knocked unconscious by a Taser?

    Resisting a rest.

  • Why were Jeremy Clarkson's colleagues excited to try his mulled wine?

    Because they'd been floored by his punch.

  • What happens when Peter Pan tries to throws punches?

    They Neverland.

  • What kind of noise annoys an oyster ?

    A noisy noise annoys an oyster ! (Try saying that fast!)

  • What does a fresh egg say when you try to hardboil it?

    It'll take me about 20 minutes to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

  • How did Helen Keller break her arms?

    She tried to read a road sign going 45mph

  • What did Gandalf say when he tried to shut down Auschwitz?

    You shall not gas!"

  • Why did the man run around his bed?

    Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

  • How do you check if a webpage is HTML5?

    Try it out on Internet Explorer

  • What type of objects do not accelerate, regardless of the force applied?

    Letterhead and envelopes. No matter how hard you try, they remain stationery!

  • What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?

    A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

  • Why was the ginger declined when he tried to sell his soul to the devil?

    Insufficient funds.

  • Why can't an IT guy be a doctor?

    Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange. . . Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

  • What's red, 10 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I try to put it in her mouth?

    Her miscarriage. sorry.

  • How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two. One to screw it in and one to film it. One, but it takes him fifty tries.

  • Why did the husband bring his wife's sick dog to the salon?

    He was trying to get her pedicure.

  • How do you know that Adam and Eve were white?

    Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man

  • What are snails trying to do?

    Their best

  • What does the hippy say when you try to kick them off your couch?


  • What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?

    An ingestigation

  • Where is the safest place to stay at Ferguson?

    The public pool, if it is too crowded try the library.

  • What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

    Shirley you can't be Sirius.

  • Why do beta fish fight each other?

    Because they're trying to figure out who's the betta fish

  • Why did you arrest that doctor?

    Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.

  • Why are fish cleverer than humans?

    Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?

  • What do drug dealers sit on?

    KUSHions please tell me that joke is funny, my girlfriend is trying to tell me that it isn't funny. We all know it is.

  • Why don't you go down on a girl in the morning?

    Have you ever tried to split a grilled cheese

  • What's up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts?

    I don't even wanna talk to the living.

  • What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?

    Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj. Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name

  • Why couldn't the philosopher make a living?

    He made no sense. I tried, I really did.

  • What do you do in the bathroom if you are trying to waste time?


  • Why did the black man try to break into jail?

    He wanted to be with his family.

  • What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

    Try to neghostiate.

  • How many stockholders does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

  • How do we know that Adam wasn't a black man?

    Have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man!! !

  • What do you call someone who keeps trying to catch your interest even though you already said you're not interested several times?

    Windows 10.

  • How many tries did it take to find out if Lance Armstrong was ticklish?

    One testtickle

  • How do you go about hiring a horse?

    Try two pairs of stilts!

  • How's the baby?

    Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..

  • How is your day going?

    G- Pretty well, Do you want me to walk you back? B- walk me back? G- to the friendzone you just tried to escape.

  • What did Bea Arthur whisper in her lover's ear?

    An elaborate fantasy in which she is in prison and tries to escape by chewing through the bars of her cell.

  • What's making all that noise in your trunk?

    Me- My feelings. I'm trying to dispose of them properly.

  • What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late ?

    Your spinning me a yarn here !

  • How many blind people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    I am not sure, I haven't seen them try and I can't do it either.

  • What do you do if you see a blue banana?

    Try to cheer it up.

  • Why was Albert Einstein's dad afraid to teach him vowels?

    Because everytime he tried, he kept owing his son money!

  • What do you call a quadruple amputee trying to swim?

    Bob. Same guy laying on the floor Matt. Same guy hanging on the wall Art. Same guy in a mailbox Bill.

  • Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night?

    He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.

  • Why is Thors bother so secretive?

    Because he tries to keep things Loki...

  • Who tries to steal fool's gold'?

    A pyrite!

  • How are Harambe memes keeping up?

    Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.

  • How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

  • What would she do for $20?

    Wasn't there a joke before posted about asking what a girl would do for $20 or something A dirty joke I'm trying to find it but I can't....

  • How does Mario talk to the dead?

    With a luigi board. Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.

  • What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

    A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

  • Why was Cloud trying to cheer up Sky?

    He looked a little blue

  • Why do christians burn fossil fuels?

    They're trying to destroy the evidence.

  • Why isn't there a straight pride parade?

    They tried that but people kept on thinking it was the checkout line at Home Depot.

  • What do Harvard and a virgin have in common?

    You try so hard to get in but 9 months later you regret you ever came.

  • What do you call an alligator trying to start trouble?

    An instagator!

  • Why did the doctor kick his patients?

    He was trying to heel them.

  • Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday?

    He's trying to age disgracefully!

  • What happens when you take the tea away from your guest?

    He's left there trying to "guess" what happened.

  • What do you do with an infected chemist?

    You try to Curium. If that doesn't work and he dies, then Barium

  • What do you call a potato that's reluctant to try new things?

    A Hesi-tater

  • Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

    Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

  • Why don't elephants like martinis?

    Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose

  • What's the difference between an elephant and a banana ?

    Have you ever tried to peel an elephant

  • What do you call a Pokemon who is trying to quit smoking?


  • What's the difference between an Asian and a dumb white girl?

    The Asian try to get the A, but the white girl try to get the D

  • What happened when the husband tried to deep fry his wife?

    She went to the battered women's shelter

  • Why did the poor dog chase his tail?

    Because he was trying to make both ends meet.

  • What's better than a tall woman wrapping her legs around you?

    A short woman trying like hell.

  • Why did the blonde give up on trying to blow up a car?

    She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe

  • What has four legs but isn't alive?

    The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!" "Not this time son, our dog is dead"

  • Why Yao-Ming tries to catch Pikachu?

    He's from Team Rocket

  • What did the shoelace say when I tried to tie it?

    Uh, like, can you knot?

  • What did the kid say to his nanny when she stubbed her toe while trying to catch him?

    Nana boo boo

  • What are your thoughts on it?

    ME: trying to impress her I have 6 wives

  • Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck?

    He was trying to bust a move

  • What's white in the morning, white in the afternoon and white in the evening?

    An Irishman trying to get a tan.

  • What happens when Anthony Weiner tries to shake someones hand?

    They think long and hard before they touch weiner.

  • Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?

    It's not my fault I'm blind.

  • Why did the dentist divorce the manicurist?

    She tried to stick her finger in his cavity.

  • How do you make a racing snail faster?

    I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.

  • What did Michael J. Fox's dad say when Michael J. Fox tried to parallel park?

    Watch the Parking son."

  • What's the difference between a soldier and a sailor?

    Ever tried dipping a sailor in a boiled egg?

  • What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?

    He got crossed.

  • What do the Syrian refugees and water have in common?

    They both keep trying to get on our shores....

  • Which wiki do dyslexic pastry chefs claim to be trying to visit before getting arrested?

  • Why do Italian men grow mustaches?

    To try to look like their mothers.

  • How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?

    One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.