Turn Jokes
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What happened to the man who turned into an insect ?
He just beetled off !
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What do you get when turn three blondes upside down?
Two brunettes and a red-head.
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What's pink and red and can't turn round in a corridor?
A: A baby with a javellin through its head.
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When did Anakin's Jedi Master know he was turning to the dark side?
In the Sith grade.
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What did the house turn into on the night of the full moon?
A Warehouse.
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Why are popcorn just like people?
Everything is fine as long as they are white, it is when they turn black it starts to be a problem.
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Why do gangsters turn their guns to the side?
So their hats are right side up when they go to aim.
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What don't BMWs have that all other manufacturers do?
Turn signals
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Why couldn't the penguin turn around in the phone booth?
Because he had a javelin through his head.
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What did the NFL Commissioner say when Adele turned down the Superbowl Halftime Show?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
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How do you turn a seal into a sea lion?
Remove an electron.
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What's black & white and can't turn around in an elevator?
A nun with a javelin through her neck.
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How do you turn on a lamp?
By seducing it
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What sentence did the man who took 2 minutes to turn around get?
Man .
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What did the egg say when it got turned up?
Om-lit
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Why did Siegfried and Roy close their bakery?
A batch of Tiger bread turned on them.
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What's so good about being a CPU?
Every time you are turned on, you're getting blown.
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Why do stop lights turn red?
You would turn red too if you had to change in front of everybody.
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What do you get if you turn an evil laugh backwards?
A laughing cow. Ahahahahahahahamoo.
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How do you turn a washing machine into a snowblower?
Give her a shovel.
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How many telemarkers does it take to change a light bulb?
3. One to change the bulb and two to talk about how beautiful the turns were.
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Why would anyone want to study the Earth and how it rotates?
I guess that some people just want to see the world turn
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What's the best thing about turning 65?
No more calls from insurance salesmen.
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What did Adam say when he broke up with Eve?
I'm turning over a new leaf.
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What's black, white, red, and can't turn around in an elevator?
A nun with a javelin through her head.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic
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What's pink and slowly turns red?
A baby chewing on a razor blade.
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Why did I throw my phone out of my window?
Because I turned on airplane mode, and thought it would turn my Iphone into a plane...
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Ayeee-Matey
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When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
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What did Lil' Jon do when Home Depot employee tried to sell him a lightbulb?
Turned down 4 watt
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How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.
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What's black & white and can't turn around in an elevator?
A nun with a javelin through her neck.
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Why do they call me an oven?
Because when I get turned on things get really hot
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What can turn a fox into an elephant?
A marriage certificate.
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How do you turn a cow into a steak?
You mootilate it.
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What's black and white and can't turn around in a corridor?
A nun with a javelin in her throat. (The only joke I can ever recall when asked for one. Told to me by my art teacher in Grade 11. Needless to say, he was my favourite teacher)
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What happens when a pirate turns 60?
He joins AARP
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Why did Tony cross the road?
To get to the other side. He then turned around, stuck up his middle finger and said, "Hah, you were all expecting a joke, and all you got was an Anthony joke!"
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What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk
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What are we going to do?
The other replied "Quick turn the car into a side street."
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Why does everyone hate me?
I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.
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What do you call an international diamond monopoly turned Chicago football team?
Da Beers
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Why is it called xbox one?
Because when you see it, you turn one degree and walk away.
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How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow thrower?
Give her a shovel.
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Why do they call it the Xbox360?
Because when you see it, you turn 360 degrees and walk away.
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What did the mexican student say when he was asked to turn in his essay?
I ain't no snitch.
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What happened to the the Pentagon after the plane crash in 9/11?
It turned into a hexagon.
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How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We'll be stealthy. *turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
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How do you know when you're turning 40?
When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh
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Why do handicapped people wear shoes?
Because if they didn't their local gas station would turn a blind eye.
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When is a school paper not a school paper?
When it's turned into the teacher.
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Why are ugly guys better with computers then women?
Turning off a computer often fixes the problem.
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What advice to cows give?
Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!
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Why did your car just spin around in circles?
Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.
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How to win an argument with a deaf girl?
Turn off the lights.
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Why did the Japanese funeral home have to turn away new business?
They ran out of san storage
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What's the deal with lampshades?
If your gonna turn on a light... Why shade it.
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What's the similarity between Bruce Jenner and a Pharaoh?
At some point they turned into Mummys
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Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex?
Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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Why are there no pictures of Ted Cruz holding a baby?
They always turn out blurry from him shaking them.
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What did the light bulb say to the switch?
You turn me on."
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Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge ?
Because it turns "ice" into "mice" !
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Why doesn't the guy with OCD ever get laid?
Because when he turns his girlfriend on he has to turn her off again three times.
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Why are the police so corrupt?
Because criminals keep turning themselves into the police.
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Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing
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What the hell is going on here?
Wife turns to the man and says "Told you he was stupid."
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What's the disease that slowly turns your skin black?
Rap Music
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What's the difference between your mom and my computer?
I can still turn your mom on.
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What's the difference between bruce banner and bruce jenner?
One turned into a terrifying monster, the other is an avenger.
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How do you turn two colors that work into a rainbow that doesn't?
Colorizebot
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Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
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What do you with 365 used rubbers?
Turn it into a tire and call it a goodyear.
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What's a pirate's favorite thing about turning 65?
AArrrRP
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What did popeye do after he turned black?
A: He made his own restoraunt.
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Why are fire trucks always red?
You'd turn red if someone pulled on your hose wouldn't you?
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How do you stop joint pain?
Turn it around.
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Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
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What did 0 say to 1?
You're turning me on!
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What do you get when you turn 4 blondes upside down?
4 brunettes
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What was the most pivotal point in Jesus' ministry?
When he turned the tables on the Temple vendors!
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How do you turn a computer into a zombie?
Send it a byte. Kind of lame but I couldn't help myself.
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What do you call a symphony where everyone plays at the same time instead of taking turns?
An chestra.
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What's long and thick and turns conservative women on?
The Bible
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What do eskimos do when it gets cold?
They go into their igloos and sit around a candle. What do they do when it gets even colder They turn on the candle.
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How did Geordi La Forge go blind?
He turned on the UV light in the Holodeck.
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What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl?
Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.
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Why did the PI detective cross the road?
He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns.
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Who turns the lights off at halloween ?
The light's witch !
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What do women and fuses have in common?
They blow when they get turned on.
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How difficult is it to live with erectile dysfunction?
It turns out, it's not very hard at all
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Why did the witch keep turning people into Mickey Mouse?
She was having Disney spells.
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How many people with OCD does it take to fix a lightbulb?
Only one, but they have to turn it on and off 50 times before they're sure it's fixed.
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
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How do four whores sit on one chair?
They turn it over.
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What's black and white and turns cartwheels?
A piebald horse pulling a cart!
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How do you know?
My phone is turned off.
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How does one turn a fox into a pig?
Marry her.
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How do you get a German out of the bath?
A: Turn on the water.
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How many Apple executives does it take to change a light bulb?
They dont. They turn it into the hype of the new generation.
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What did Helen Keller do when she was drowning?
She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.
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How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?
Give her a shovel.
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Why do sandwiches never have kids?
Because they always turn out in-bread.
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What is the best thing about duct tape?
It turns no no no into mm mm mmmm.
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Why did the man turn on the lights in a depression clinic?
He wanted to lighten the mood in such a dim atmosphere.
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What do you call a dark skinned surfer?
A RADICAL muslim. Sorry if I offended anyone but just thought I would share a funny thought I had that I turned into a joke.
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Where is the water main?
so I turned on the tap & said, "Right here, main."
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How do you turn a fox into a whale?
Marry her.
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What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
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What did the French guy say when he forgot to tell his driver to turn left?
Oh, gosh!
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What do you call it when you turn into a vampire before being bitten?
Premature Edraculation
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What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
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How do they all sit?
They turn the stool upside down
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What's the difference between Rutgers and Rikers?
One turns young people into horrible human beings and the other is jail.
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Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y?
Because why emcee, eh
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How did Satan turn an unbeliever holy?
He scared the hell out of him.
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How many tropical Birds Does it take to Screw in a Lightbulb?
Well, turns out one is not enough, but if you pair it, two can.
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How do you turn regular water into holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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What happened at the Mr. Softee when someone spiked the syrups with Viagra?
The whole place turned into a Hardee's.
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How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.
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How do you get out of an elephant?
Q: How do you get out of an elephant A: Turn around and around until you get all pooped out. (5 yo humor never gets old)
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Why did the genie turn the man into a toad?
He rubbed him the wrong way.
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How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none. That's a hardware problem but have you tried turning it on and off again
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Where my single ladies at?
drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
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What do you say when an episode of explosive diarrhoea turns into a round of smooth poop?
What a wondrous *turd* of events.
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How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow remover?
Give her a shovel...
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Why did the stoplight turn red?
Well, you would too, if you had to change in front of that many people!
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What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA Championship?
He turns off his Xbox.
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Why do traffic lights turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
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What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
A: Leave it in the cow.
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What can you say about a car and not a girl/your gf?
It's easy to turn on, and even though it's eleven, I still love her.
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What do Dallas Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?
They turn off their XBOX and go to bed!
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When is a lion not a lion ?
When he turns into his cage !
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What should you do if you see your TV floating?
Turn on the lights and shoot the black guy.
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How do you...?
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable Give it aids.
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Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.
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How do I turn my new girlfriend on?
She's a robot and the instructions are in Chinese.
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What did the power ranger-turned-addict say?
It's morphine time!
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What sort file do you you need to turn a 1.5 inch hole into a 4.5 inch one?
A pedo-file.
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What did the pirate say when he turned 81?
Nothing, as he didn't exist. The probability of anyone in that demographic reaching their eighties is particularly low, and an active pirate being eighty one years of age is further rendered a statistical impossibility given that a pirate would need to be above a certain threshold in terms of physical ability.
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What's the definition of the perfect woman?
Four feet tall, fold back teeth, flat head so you can rest your beer on it, and turns into a pizza at midnight.
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What's the best kind of vegetable to bring to a party?
A turn up
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What's the Best thing about Duct Tape?
It turns Noooo! Noooo! Noooo!......to..... Mmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm.
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Who else is watching and laughing their a$$ off?
Turns out Martha Stewart is a boss
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Why did everyone turn away when the race car drove past?
It had a SPOILER on it.
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How do you interrupt a vegans dinner?
Just turn on the sprinkler.
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How do you keep a blonde busy?
Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a page and hand it to her.
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How did the calf's final exam turn out?
Grade A!
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What do you call the operation that turns a woman into a man?
An addadictamie.
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How do you turn lead into gold?
Start a war.
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How are PCs different from woman?
I know how to turn a PC on.
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Why do they call it the XBOX 360?
Because you turn 360 and walk away!!
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Why was Cinderella able to surf the web?
Because he footman turned into a mouse.
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What do you call two obese lesbians who are about to turn in for the night?
Bedward ScissorHams
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Where do you think you're going at this hour?
gun hangs head & turns around
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What do Jay Leno and Payton Manning have in common?
They both know when it's time to turn things over.
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What do you call someone who can't turn pancakes?
A flip-flop.
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Why can't you tell a Philosophy Student a good joke?
You need to give a three hour lecture and turn in a research paper on "What is 'good' " first.
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What is the fastest speed a woman can go ?
68, because when she turns 69 she blows a rod.
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How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
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Why can Owls turn there head 270 degrees?
Because they don't have wing mirrors.
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Who would you turn to face?
be careful with whom you chose
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Why is Adam known as the first accountant?
He turned a leaf and made an entry.
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What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float?
You turn on the lights and shoot the black guy stealing it.
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Why can't an IT guy be a doctor?
Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange. . . Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
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What kind of dog can turn on your car?
Yorkies
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What does a Pirate say when he turns 80?
Ayyyeeeee mmmaattteeeyyy.
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What is the best thing about gaffer tape ?
It turns "no, no, no" into "mmm, mmm, mmm"
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How do you win a late night argument with your deaf wife?
You turn off the lights.
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Why are TV's attracted to people?
Because we turn them on. / /
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Why don't golf courses ever serve sandwiches?
They always turn out to be sub par.
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What did Medusa call the sheep she turned to stone?
Baaaaasalt
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How do you tell a dyslectic to take the left turn on the road?
Turn toward your side!
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How do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower?
You give her a shovel and tell her to get to work.
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Why did Bill Gates &?
Warren Buffett once have me quickly kicked out of a game of bridge? When it was my turn to bid I kept saying, "Go fish".
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What vegetable likes to party?
A turn-up
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How much Viagra do you have to give a computer to turn its software into hardware?
Just enough to completely fill up the floppy diks drive.
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What's the difference between a white girl who likes to tan and a burger?
They both need to be flipped every 10 mins, but only one turns pink when its done.
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What's the difference between my ex and my toaster?
It only takes 120 volts to turn on my toaster.
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Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
One good turn deserves another.
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What's the worst part of giving a magician a ride home?
When you get there, you turn into the driveway. Ba-dum-bum! Don't forget to tip your waitress!
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How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp?
Give him sheet music.
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Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?
With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed
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Why does time go by so fast in Italy?
Because every time you turn around you see a dago by.
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When is a car, not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
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How do you turn an airliner into a boat?
Allahu Ackbar!**
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How do you drive this thing?
Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "GLUGGLUGBLUGBWOOABB"
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Why is Rob Zombie good for the health of Redditors?
They see his AMA and turn off the computer.
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When do the leaves begin to turn?
The night before a test.
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What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?
One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.
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How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
Give her a shovel.
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What's faster, the speed of thought or the speed of light?
Neither, it's diarrhea. Before you could think about it or even turn the lights on, you've already shat yourself.
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Why do sovereign citizens never turn on the lights?
The sound of electricity triggers their PTSD.
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Why are there no elderly people in Africa?
They all die when they turn aidy.
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Why did the fan blow itself?
Because it was turned on!
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What did the tv say to the remote control?
you turn me on"
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What turns you on the most?
Water. It makes me wet instantly.
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What's the difference between a high and drunk driver?
The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
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How do you turn a cobra into a rattlesnake?
Give it to Michael J Fox
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What happens when you turn a cashew in to the police?
You bust a nut
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Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms. Knock Knock. Who's there? Definitely not Sally. Why did Jimmy drop his ice cream? He was hit by a truck Why didn't the truck turn out of the way? Sally Was driving
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Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night?
Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.
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I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’
I couldn’t turn it down.
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What do you call a teenage boy who turns into a vampire before he gets bit?
Premature Edraculation
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Why did the water turn into steam?
It mistbehaved
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What did the bishop say to the priest?
It's my turn.
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How did the explorer react when the which doctor turned him into a miniature ballsack?
He was a little testie! Bump dump pshhh!
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How do you tell a British guy that it's his turn to play ball?
Europe"
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Why did the elephant turn around in the airport and go home?
He forgot to pack his trunk.
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What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?
My dad didn't meet my mom at a circus or take me their when I turned 5
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What the hell are you two doing?
He demanded. His wife turned to the stranger and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."
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How many pollocks does it take to paint a house?
1 to hold the brush and 1000 to turn the house!
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Why did you stop your car get out and yell "coward" at the traffic signal?
Motorist: The light just turned yellow.
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How do you turn a fox into a cow?
Marry it
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How many IT support techs does it take to change a lightbulb?
have you tried turning the light off and back on?"
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job?
He couldn't see himself doing the work
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What did pirate say when he turned 80?
AYE MATEY
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What kind of turns do letters take?
U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.
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What is a NYC nanosecond?
If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green.
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What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
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Which among them goes completely ignored?
The turn signals.
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Why did the lemon turn green?
Because he had lime disease
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What do Philadelphia Eagles fans do after they win the superbowl?
Turn of madden and go to bed. (I'm an eagles fan)
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When is a computer like a blonde?
When it goes down on you as soon as you turn it on.
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What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and a woman?
Inserting a rod into the reactor turns it off.
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What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home D: Lame tries new pair And these G: Wait- D: clicks heels turns into hamburger
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What's the difference between having a job and being a homeless drug addict?
One takes over your life and turns you into brainless zombie and the other one makes you homeless.
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Why is the fridge shaking so much?
It's running just fine. Probrably because it's so turned on!
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What did the A/C unit say when it suddenly turned on?
Sorry, I just needed to vent"
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How do you make Helen Keller cry?
Turn the stool upside-down
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How do you stop being an 18 year old Virgin?
Turn 19
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What did one hotdog stand say to the other hotdog stand?
Eyyyy, Garry, didn't know you turned into a hotdog stand too! Eyyyy!
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What's the difference between the Polish and polish?
No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you
-
Whats the best thing about duct tape?
It turns NO! NO! NO! into MMM MMM MMM
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What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?
Au-burn
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What does a Bears fan do when his team wins the Superbowl?
He turns off his Xbox, and goes to bed.
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Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long?
I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.
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How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.
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What does a Bills fan do when they win the superbowl?
He turns off his xbox.
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Why I love duct tape?
It can turn "No, no no!" into "mmph, mmmph, mmmph"
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Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?
She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.
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How do you turn tap water into holy water?
You boil the HELL out of it! Har har har.
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Why did the campfire turn into a forest fire?
It wanted to get off its ash.
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How does a yoga instructor turn down an invite?
Namaste home tonight.
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What's black, white, and red all over and can't turn around in a narrow hallway?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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What's black and white and can't turn around in an elevator?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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What do you call a food that turns black people on?
An -disiac.
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When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk?
just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings
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Why the letter "G" is scary?
In one fine evening it can turn your host into . . . GHOST.
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What's the M0D's name before they're triggered; turning into a furious, putrid, lump of blubber?
Bruce Banner
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What makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down?
A cow.
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Why did the kittens turn atheist?
Coz their eyes opened.
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What do you say to a soldier who doesn't turn up for Camouflage training?
Well done.
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How Many Running Backs Does It Take To Turn On A Light?
Two. One to find the switch...the other to hit it.
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What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison?
They both turn "o" into "O".
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What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup (Soccer)?
Turn off the Playstation.
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How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf?
He became a vegetarian.
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What is the difference between Elon musk and Tony Stark?
Stark industries has actually turned a profit
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What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?
Turn off their console and go to sleep.
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What's green then turns red really quickly?
A frog in a blender
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Why did the traffic light turn red?
You'd turn red too if you had to change in the street.
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What does supervillain Black Man need to do to escape the crime scene?
Turn off all the lights.
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Can I watch the TV?
Yes, but don’t turn it on.
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Why did the tomato turned red?
Because it saw the salad dressing
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What did the man who invented the bum shaking machine realize when he turned it on?
It twerked.
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How do you turn fruits into vegetables?
Drive a bus through a pride parade
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Why did the Mexican fail English 101?
He wouldn't turn in his essay
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What's stronger, fifty watts of sound or fifty watts of light?
I don't care but would you please stop screaming, turning the lights on and off.
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What do you mean ?
Well she turned up the Minster turned up but the groom didn't !
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How many racecar drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's impossible, they only know how to turn to the left.
-
What direction does a Walter White-themed GPS tell you to turn?
Goddamn right.
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How you turn a washer into a snow blower?
Hand her a shovel
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What happens when Kim Jong-un gets sick?
He turns into Kim Jong-ill!
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What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
Jeffrey Dahmer!
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How many Scots didn't turn up to vote?
One in Fife
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What is courage?
He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
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How do you turn soup to gold?
Add 24 carrots
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What's a machinists favorite song?
Turn Down for What!
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How do you turn a bunk bed into two regular beds?
You debunk it.
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How do you turn a duck into a popular soul singer?
Stick it in microwave and turn it on until it's Bill Withers.
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Why did the former fitter turned baker enter the lottery?
To win dough.
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How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel!
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Why do they call me the fireman?
Cause I turn on the hoes
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How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull?
Marry her !
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How many Apple executives does it take to change a light bulb?
They dont. They turn it into the hype of the new generation.
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How do you fit four sailors onto a barstool?
Turn the barstool upside down.
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What does the baker turned counterfeiter say?
I make my own dough". My sister Katie came up with this one.
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What do cubs fans do after they win the world series?
They turn off their Xbox.
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Why did Donald Duck break up with Daisy Duck?
Turns out she was a quack whore.
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Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?
Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.
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How do you fit 4 guys on a bar stool?
Turn it upside-down. But how do you get them off Shake the stool. (OK, I'll leave now.)
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What was the Preacher turned Drill Seargent's favorite command?
Present Alms!
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How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun. You hold his trunk until he turns blue, then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun Edit: My 5 year old nephew loves this joke.
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What did the IT guy say to his wife after she complained about their love life?
Did you try turning me off and on again?"
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How do you turn soup into gold?
You add 24 carats!
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What happened to the magical tractor?
It turned into a field
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What do you call a group of ISIS members with their backs turned?
A bunch of sissies.
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How do you turn German beer into American Beer?
Drink it
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What do you call a special needs sheep that got turned into a blanket?
A down comforter.
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What's black, white and red, and can't turn around in an elevator?
A nun with a spear through her head.
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Why did the Canadian DJ turn down a gig at a local gym?
Because why MC, eh
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Why did the faucet turn on?
It was feeling .
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What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day ?
Turns over a new leaf !
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Why did the light turn red?
You would too if you were caught changing in the middle of the street!
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What does a Maple Leads fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?
He turns off his Xbox and goes back to bed.
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What do snake charmers do in the rain?
Turn on their windshield vipers.
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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Xbox?
They're both made of plastic, and little kids turn them on.
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How did the Frenchman get turned on?
He French-kissed a power outlet
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What is the best part about duct tape?
It can turn "no, no, no!" Into "mmm, mmm, mmm"
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Why is Mike Pence magic?
He can turn fruits to vegetables
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How do you turn chicken masala into chicken marsala?
Have a pirate cook it...they always add an "arrr"...
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What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
He turns off the PlayStation.
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What did Matthew McConaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn?
A right a right a right!
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it
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Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around?
Because he could only make 14 point turns.
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What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
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Why shouldn't you let the scientists have an antelope?
They'll turn it into a bombardeer
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How do your organize a space party?
You planet! (It won't turn out well though because it has no atmosphere.)
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Why are crime rates down in the US?
Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.
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Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud?
He doesn't know how to turn things down
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What happens when the Sun and the Moon get together?
They turn out the lights.
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What's the best way to get your guitar player to turn down the volume?
Give him the sheet music.
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What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ?
My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
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Why did Chewbacca turn down Princess Leia?
She doesn't Swallowbacca.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb 2 to turn the ladder and 17 to be on the guest list.
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How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.
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What happened ?
Me: I turned 13....
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How many idiots does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - one to hold the bulb, and four to turn his ladder
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What do astronomers do when they have nowhere else to turn?
They default in our stars
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Which playing card can turn its hand to everything?
Jack of all Spades
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Why couldn't the traffic light get a date?
She was wearing no turn on red. :
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What can you do if you don't like the Prelude in C Sharp Minor?
A: Turn Rachmanin off.
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How do you turn a little boy into a little girl?
With a small loan of a million dollars.
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Why do neurologists think they're God?
Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!
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What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal?
Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.
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How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A brick to the back of his head should do it.
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What does a Necrophiliac have when he is turned on?
Mourning Wood
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What's the big deal about jesus turning water into wine?
I turned MY student loans into vodka...
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How many IT professionals does it take to change a lightbulb?
Have you tried turning it off and back on?
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What happens when your favorite team wins the World Cup?
You turn off your playstation.
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What's the difference between my shower and everyone?
My shower gets turned on by me.
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How many "suh dudes" does it take to turn on a light bulb?
None, it's already lit fam haha suh dude.