U. Jokes
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Why did u jump off that bridge?
My friend did it too "Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u " Yes. I literally just said that
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When ur at chipotle n u ask for guac and they say "its extra is that ok?
if u say its not ok they give it to u for free
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What u call 10 black people in the back of a truck?
A good days hunting.
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Why don't u share a bed?
cried Baby Bear.
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What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
When ur done, u can drop her off anywhere.
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What is a Brit's favorite letter?
You'd think it would be "T", but it is "U". *Favourite, btw.
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What's furry on the outside.. Wet on the inside.. Starts with a C... Ends with a T... And has U & N in-between?
A coconut!
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What would gold say if it could talk?
A-U" :
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What do u call an anorexic women with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
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How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.
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What do u call a spanish man with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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What did the DNA say to the RNA?
What are U doing here?
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What the hell are you doing?
America: Getting rid of u
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What happens when u ask a fake logic fan... What is your favorite logic album?
Their response Flexicution
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Why can't I have coffee?
Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows Me covering tub of dead birds: is that the saying
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What breaks when u give it to a toddler?
Her hips
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How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?
A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.
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What starts with a 'C', contains the letters U, N, and T, is hairy on the outside, and soft on the inside?
A coconut!
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What do u give a woman who has everything?
Penacilin
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What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?
A! U!!! If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)
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Why did u shoot ur wife ?
Judge:why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover Methew:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
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Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I've got to do
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Why are u home so early?
Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"
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What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you
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Why u bean like this?
SMACK "Don't u carrot all " CRACK
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How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well W: very good Me: oh god what have I just done
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Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas. -Rly Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset
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What u doing later?
Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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Where were u on the night of the 3rd?
Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape " Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
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What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float?
You turn on the lights and shoot the black guy stealing it.
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Which city u cannot enter?
ELECTRICITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?
They're not infallible
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What u doing?
Math, it's due Friday" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u
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How do u castrate a priest ?
Kick the alter boy in the chin )
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What is the creepiest letter of the alphabet?
V. Because no matter where you are, any time of any day, no matter what you do, V always follows U.
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What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you're calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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How does Bono spell color?
With or without "u"
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What's the difference between U-Haul and Youtube?
People are'nt happy for you when you get loads of hits on your U-Haul.
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What do u call two lesbians floating down a river in a canoe?
Fur traders.
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How do U know it's the wrong hole?
No one has done this before, it's just us two you know
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What do u call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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What do u call a Mexican who survives a shootout and lives to tell the tale?
The Juan who lived.
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Who r they 2 stop u?
Boy: My wife & 2 kids.
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What do u call a bad jokester?
Matteo
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What is hairy on the outside, wet and fleshy on the inside, begins with C and ends with T, and has both a U and a N in it?
Coconut
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What did the douchebag say to the chemist when he dropped his beaker?
U mad scientist?
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Why does America spell some words differently?
They said "We can do it without u, Britain."
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What's brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with "C" and ends with "T", and has a "U" and an "N" in it?
A coconut.
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What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?
6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
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What do u call a Jamaican proctologist?
Poke'mon
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What would u do if u won the lotto?
10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u. 11yo: I'd buy a monkey. Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.
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Where the hell are u?
ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there
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What position do u play?
ME: I'm a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.
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Why did your car just spin around in circles?
Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.
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How do u kno the deceased?
I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape " leans in I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
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Why did u shoot your wife ?
Judge:why did u shoot your wife instead of shootingher lover? Sardar:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
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Where were u on the nite of the 5th?
Stabbing a guy. "Louder for the tape." leans in Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
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Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?
Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.
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What happens when U change position too fast?
You get an unpleasant vowel movement.
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Why Arent You Taking Me With You To Bangkok?
Husband: Because Nobody Carries A Tiffin To A Restaurant. "If U Didn't Get It Go Watch Pogo":p
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How do you spell "we" with two letters without using the letters W and E?
U and I.
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What did the DNA say to the mRNA?
I'm better without U."
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How does a poor man watch TV?
with binoculars. u know, he has to watch whatever the neighbours are watching.
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How do u find an old man in the dark?
Its not that hard
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What do u call a lesbian with 9in fingers?
Well hung.
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Why thank u.. are u single?
She:No, I'm a dentist
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How do u tell the population of a small native village?
throw a bunch of pocket change in the middle of town. How do u tell who is the richest person in that village? Find the person who gathered the most change.
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What do u call a black abortion?
crime control
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What kind of turns do letters take?
U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.
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What u call a black woman with 7 abortions?
Crimefighter
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What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa?
A good start.
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What's the difference between U and I?
J
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How the rap feud started Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b'day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie Biggieeavesdropping: wipes tears
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What's a word that starts with "u" and ends with "w"?
Cloning.
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What is the integral of to the x?
The function of u to the n
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How can U make a difference?
Good Mourning! *(this pun is baaad and I feel terrible about it)*
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Why do American's take letters out of words?
Because they're lazy, and they hate U.
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Who is it?
Police: Police. Me:What do u want Police: To talk. Me: How many r u Police: 2 Me: Talk to each other.
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What do u call an ethopian with a slice of cheese on his head?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
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How do u know if a company that just hired you conducts drug tests?
What is the likelihood it will be a hairtest
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How do u get a pool table to laugh?
tickle its balls.
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What noise does a Nintendo ambulance make?
Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u-Wii-u
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What do u call a mexican in the back of a cop car?
Pork and beans
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What's the thing u don't tell a vampire?
Bite me.
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What happened out there?
I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either
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What is dark and hairy on the outside, soft and moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it?
A coconut
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What do u get when u mix a douche and a tool?
Scottsdale.