Vampire Jokes
-
What does a proofreader have in common with a vampire?
They search for type-os
-
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail?
I don't know but it would slow him down.
-
What do vampires make sandwiches out of?
Self-raising dead.
-
What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires?
What's a movie?
-
What do you call it when you stab a vampire in the lungs?
A miss stake
-
Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose?
He was a ghoulsnif fer.
-
Why did the vampire miss work?
He was having a coffin fit!
-
How does a vampire get through life with only one fang?
He has to grin and bare it.
-
Why do Vampires make poor project managers?
Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask )
-
Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing?
He could really get into the vaultz.
-
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !
-
What did the vampire call his false teeth?
A new fangled device.
-
What kind of eye disease do vampires get?
Dracular degeneration.
-
What do you call a teenage boy who turns into a vampire before he gets bit?
Premature Edraculation
-
What do you get when a vampire bites a goblin?
A Hemogoblin
-
How do vampire football players get the mud off?
They all get in the bat-tub.
-
Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit?
He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.
-
What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars ?
Jack-u-la !
-
How do you know when a vampire is sick?
He starts coffin...
-
What do you call a vampire in a raincoat ?
Mack-u-la !
-
What does a vampire call a used tampon?
A teabag.
-
What happens when a vampire drinks too much?
They get a fangover.
-
What is the first thing that vampires learn at school?
The alphabat.
-
What do you call it when you turn into a vampire before being bitten?
Premature Edraculation
-
Why does vampire Superman want to go out?
Because he doesn't want to be around the crypt tonight. (you can tell i made that up)
-
What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ?
He cut all his fingers off !
-
When do vampires bite you?
On Wincedays.
-
What is a vampires favourite food?
Vampires aren't real
-
How do Vampires Make Tea?
Used Tampons
-
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
-
Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?
They looked both ways before they crossed.
-
What do you say to a vampire when he graduates from college?
Coagulations!
-
Why do vampires hate arguments?
Because they make themselves cross.
-
How does a vampire clean his house?
With a victim cleaner.
-
What food do vampires hate?
Steaks.
-
Why did the vampire go to the doctors?
Because he was coffin...
-
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.
-
Why do Vampires hate Writers?
Because they hate Type O's
-
What happens when you mix a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite
-
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
-
What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires?
You would get severe frostbite.
-
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla!
-
How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?
Now, I tweet them
-
How can you tell when a vampire is sick?
By his coffin!
-
Why did the vampire go crazy at Burger King?
He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.
-
What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie?
You can't dip a vampire in your tea.
-
Why wasn't the vampire working?
He was on his coffin break.
-
What is the American national day for vampires?
Fangsgiving Day.
-
Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with ?
The girl necks door.
-
What did one vampire say to the other vampire?
Is that you coffin
-
What does a vampire call a hemophiliac?
Diarrhea.
-
What clothing designer do vampires prefer to wear?
Alexander Fang
-
What should you do if a vampire borrows your comic?
Wait for him to give it back.
-
What's the thing u don't tell a vampire?
Bite me.
-
Where does a vampire take a bath?
In the bat-room (bathroom).
-
Why are you pushing garlic into the computer's disk drive?
Pupil: To keep vampires off the Internet Teacher: But there aren't any vampires on the Internet Pupil: See It works doesn't it
-
What is the best way to talk to a vampire?
By long distance.
-
What's it called when a vampire kisses you goodnight?
Necking.
-
Why is it difficult to punish vampires?
They can't reflect on what they've done.
-
Where did vampires go to first in America?
New-fang-land.
-
What do you call a vampire who owns a restaurant?
Count Spatula
-
Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge?
Ghouldilocks.
-
How do you know if a girl is dating a vampire?
They only wanna go down on her once a month
-
Why did the Vampire's girlfriend break up with him?
Because he was pain in the neck!
-
Why do vampires hate Texas Roadhouse?
They can not stand stakes!
-
Why don't vampires like steak?
Because it's bad for their heart.
-
What do vampires put at the bottom of their e-mails?
Best viscious.
-
What made the vampire a gentlemen?
They would always ask their girlfriend before they came inside.
-
What type of people do vampires like?
Type O positive people.
-
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a mummy ?
Something you wouldn't want to unwrap !
-
What do you call a vampire, that follows the rules?
Draculaw
-
Why do vampire's use linux?
Because they don't like windows in their house. BaDumTss
-
What's the definition of gross?
Two vampires fighting over a used tampon
-
How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight?
Just one with depression.
-
What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?
A coffin break.
-
Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?
It wanted to play squash.
-
What's the best time of this month for vampires?
It depends on the girl
-
What do you call a vampire after it is one-year-old?
A two-year-old vampire.
-
How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they prefer the dark.
-
Why did the vampire go to hospital?
He wanted his ghoulstones removed.
-
How do vampires like their tea?
With a old tampon in it.
-
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a circus entertainer ?
Something that goes straight for the juggler !
-
What must a vampire earn to learn to fly?
His red wings.
-
What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm?
One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.
-
What's the difference between a ginger girl and a vampire?
One bursts into flames in the sunlight, and the other is a vampire.
-
How does a vampire enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
-
Why is Hollywood full of vampires?
They need someone to play the bit parts.