Vampire Jokes

  • What does a proofreader have in common with a vampire?

    They search for type-os

  • What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail?

    I don't know but it would slow him down.

  • What do vampires make sandwiches out of?

    Self-raising dead.

  • What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires?

    What's a movie?

  • What do you call it when you stab a vampire in the lungs?

    A miss stake

  • Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with his finger up his nose?

    He was a ghoulsnif fer.

  • Why did the vampire miss work?

    He was having a coffin fit!

  • How does a vampire get through life with only one fang?

    He has to grin and bare it.

  • Why do Vampires make poor project managers?

    Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask )

  • Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing?

    He could really get into the vaultz.

  • What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?

    Grave-y !

  • What did the vampire call his false teeth?

    A new fangled device.

  • What kind of eye disease do vampires get?

    Dracular degeneration.

  • What do you call a teenage boy who turns into a vampire before he gets bit?

    Premature Edraculation

  • What do you get when a vampire bites a goblin?

    A Hemogoblin

  • How do vampire football players get the mud off?

    They all get in the bat-tub.

  • Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit?

    He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.

  • What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars ?

    Jack-u-la !

  • How do you know when a vampire is sick?

    He starts coffin...

  • What do you call a vampire in a raincoat ?

    Mack-u-la !

  • What does a vampire call a used tampon?

    A teabag.

  • What happens when a vampire drinks too much?

    They get a fangover.

  • What is the first thing that vampires learn at school?

    The alphabat.

  • What do you call it when you turn into a vampire before being bitten?

    Premature Edraculation

  • Why does vampire Superman want to go out?

    Because he doesn't want to be around the crypt tonight. (you can tell i made that up)

  • What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ?

    He cut all his fingers off !

  • When do vampires bite you?

    On Wincedays.

  • What is a vampires favourite food?

    Vampires aren't real

  • How do Vampires Make Tea?

    Used Tampons

  • How can you tell a vampire has a cold?

    They start coffin.

  • Why did the vampire have pedestrian eyes?

    They looked both ways before they crossed.

  • What do you say to a vampire when he graduates from college?


  • Why do vampires hate arguments?

    Because they make themselves cross.

  • How does a vampire clean his house?

    With a victim cleaner.

  • What food do vampires hate?


  • Why did the vampire go to the doctors?

    Because he was coffin...

  • What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?

    A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.

  • Why do Vampires hate Writers?

    Because they hate Type O's

  • What happens when you mix a snowman and a vampire?


  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?


  • What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires?

    You would get severe frostbite.

  • What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?


  • How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?

    Now, I tweet them

  • How can you tell when a vampire is sick?

    By his coffin!

  • Why did the vampire go crazy at Burger King?

    He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.

  • What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie?

    You can't dip a vampire in your tea.

  • Why wasn't the vampire working?

    He was on his coffin break.

  • What is the American national day for vampires?

    Fangsgiving Day.

  • Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with ?

    The girl necks door.

  • What did one vampire say to the other vampire?

    Is that you coffin

  • What does a vampire call a hemophiliac?


  • What clothing designer do vampires prefer to wear?

    Alexander Fang

  • What should you do if a vampire borrows your comic?

    Wait for him to give it back.

  • What's the thing u don't tell a vampire?

    Bite me.

  • Where does a vampire take a bath?

    In the bat-room (bathroom).

  • Why are you pushing garlic into the computer's disk drive?

    Pupil: To keep vampires off the Internet Teacher: But there aren't any vampires on the Internet Pupil: See It works doesn't it

  • What is the best way to talk to a vampire?

    By long distance.

  • What's it called when a vampire kisses you goodnight?


  • Why is it difficult to punish vampires?

    They can't reflect on what they've done.

  • Where did vampires go to first in America?


  • What do you call a vampire who owns a restaurant?

    Count Spatula

  • Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge?


  • How do you know if a girl is dating a vampire?

    They only wanna go down on her once a month

  • Why did the Vampire's girlfriend break up with him?

    Because he was pain in the neck!

  • Why do vampires hate Texas Roadhouse?

    They can not stand stakes!

  • Why don't vampires like steak?

    Because it's bad for their heart.

  • What do vampires put at the bottom of their e-mails?

    Best viscious.

  • What made the vampire a gentlemen?

    They would always ask their girlfriend before they came inside.

  • What type of people do vampires like?

    Type O positive people.

  • What do you get if you cross a vampire and a mummy ?

    Something you wouldn't want to unwrap !

  • What do you call a vampire, that follows the rules?


  • Why do vampire's use linux?

    Because they don't like windows in their house. BaDumTss

  • What's the definition of gross?

    Two vampires fighting over a used tampon

  • How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight?

    Just one with depression.

  • What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?

    A coffin break.

  • Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?

    It wanted to play squash.

  • What's the best time of this month for vampires?

    It depends on the girl

  • What do you call a vampire after it is one-year-old?

    A two-year-old vampire.

  • How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    None, they prefer the dark.

  • Why did the vampire go to hospital?

    He wanted his ghoulstones removed.

  • How do vampires like their tea?

    With a old tampon in it.

  • What do you get if you cross a vampire and a circus entertainer ?

    Something that goes straight for the juggler !

  • What must a vampire earn to learn to fly?

    His red wings.

  • What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm?

    One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.

  • What's the difference between a ginger girl and a vampire?

    One bursts into flames in the sunlight, and the other is a vampire.

  • How does a vampire enter his house?

    Through the bat flap.

  • Why is Hollywood full of vampires?

    They need someone to play the bit parts.