Wait Jokes
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What's with the knives?
Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin
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Why'd you get me carrots and lettuce?
Wait but that means-" *Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
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What's the difference between a hunter and a stalker?
ANSWER: The hunter has to wait until it's in season!
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive?
God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
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Why are Women like buses?
You wait all day for one then find out 48 other people in the local area have been riding on her.
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How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They stick the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!
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How does an elephant get down from a tree ?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn !
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How can you tell if someone uses Apple products?
Just wait and they'll tell you.
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Why divorce now after all this time together?
Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.
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Why isn't there a Jared's for boys?
Oh wait, there is.
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How many feminists does it take screw in a lightbulb?
One she holds it in the socket and waited for the world to revolve around her.
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Whenever I get to a restaurant and they say there is a wait I say "do you know who I am?
because while I wait I like to be introspective
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How do you make an idiot easily wait ?
I tell you tomorrow.
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What's your excuse?
Well my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
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Why does a German always have the last laugh?
He has to wait for the verb.
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Why couldn't R get to P?
He had to wait in a Q!
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What did the LGBT art teacher tell the kids to use when their projects needed glue ?
wait for it ... wait for it ...) brucilage !!!!!!!!
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Who's there? Orange. Orange who?
Orange you glad I painfully waited until I was done cooking your food to take a poop?
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What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?
Wife: Please go wait in the car
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Who is that walking up my driveway?
Anxiety in 3...2...1... knock, knock *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."
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How do you make a rabbit stew?
Keep it waiting.
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What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born 5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
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How can you tell this joke was submitted by a woman?
No, wait.
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Why were all the rednecks sitting around an ordinary potato waiting for it to talk?
It was a CommonTater I just made this up I swear
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How many SRSers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They wait for the electrician to make a mistake and yell at them for doing it wrong.
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What broke?
opens door* Just wait until I get out there!! parenting from the bathroom
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Why don't pediatricians like to wait?
Because they have little patients.
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Why wait?
I'll take you clothes shopping right now".
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Where are you when you're in the U.K. waiting for Vietnamese soup?
Pho queue
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What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
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How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They stick the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!
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Why are there no good jokes about engineers?
zzzzzzzzz, wait, I fell asleep at the punchline.
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When dad Waits to see you on thanks giving Son:We just Ate Dad:OK so you can be here at 5?
Son:We'll see Son:how does the turkey smell Dad : I guess through its Beak
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What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby?
You're just going to have to be a little patient.
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What did Abe Lincoln say after a three day drinking binge?
Wait I freed ?!?!?"
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How to keep an idiot waiting?
I'll tell you tomorrow. Edit: Grammar.
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Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side?
ah wait, i can't remember the rest :/
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How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered?
Waiter: Well you know how slow turtles are.
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What did the mouth say to the nose?
Nothing; mouths can't ta... oh, wait...
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How do you make a Gorilla stew?
You keep it waiting for three hours!
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those. Wait. Two. I have 2 kids.
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What are you waiting for?
A car.
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Whoops wrong sub. Oh wait. This has been done before, hasn't it?
You probably Reddit already.
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What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj. Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name
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What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand?
hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D ... wait what were YOU THINKING ! ! !
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How does an SJW screw in a light-bulb?
Zir holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around zirself.
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How can you tell if a 14 year old smokes weed?
Just wait. They'll tell you.
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What has shadier inner workings, Reddit or FIFA?
Still waiting to hear back from an admin.
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When jokes go to parties, where do they wait for drinks?
In the punchlines.
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What else did I forget?
WHERE IS MY BABY ! Wait, do I have one of those DO I HAVE A BABY !
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What's the difference between a drunk driver, and a stoned driver?
The drunk driver will drive right through a stop sign. The stoned driver will stop and wait for it to turn green.
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Why do so many Australian men experience premature ejeculation?
Because they cant wait to get out and tell all their friends about scoring.
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What's the difference between a married guy and a single guy?
Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.
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How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?
Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.
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Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?
Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...
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How do you know if a redditor gave money to Bernie Sanders?
Just wait 5 minutes. They'll post about it.
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Why did Jon Snow wait in line at the Apple store ?
For the watch .
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How do you find a British person in a crowd?
1. Shout 0800 00 2. Wait for them to shout 1066.
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What happened when the two lovers were watching a scary movie in a year when Valentine's day happened to fall on Friday the 13th?
Oh wait, nevermind. I'm an idiot...*
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What is the difference between a drunk driver and a high driver?
The drunk driver will blow through a stop sign without even knowing it was there.. The high driver will wait until it turns green
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Why wouldn't the Doctor wait in line?
He had no patients
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How do you keep a idiot waiting?
I'll tell you guys later.
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What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty?
There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.
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How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?
By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!
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How long did Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion have to wait for the Tin Man?
Ten minutes.
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How many women does it take to invent something?
Nobody knows, history is still waiting....
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How does an elephant climb a tree?
A: He hides in an acorn and waits for a bird to carry him up.
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What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?
He waits at the next station
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Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us?
Why do we have to do all the work
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What does a Disneyland ride and Viagra have in common?
You have to wait one hour for a 3 minute ride.
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Where did the joke wait to get a drink?
The punch line...
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What did the sheep obsessed convict say to Jared Fogle?
I have a footlong waiting for **ewe** back in my cell!!!!
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How long are you supposed to wait to return a boy's call?
This IRS guy sounded pretty into me
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What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
A: Wait at the buzz stop.
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What is the difference between a hormone and a protein?
You can't hear a protein. (Wait for it)
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Why was the Redditor mad at Reddit?
Because it made her wait seven minutes before posting something.
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What happened to you ?
PATIENT:I am going to die in a minute. DOCTOR:wait I am coming with in five minutes.
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What do you do if somebody dies Christmas Eve?
Wait 12 hours and have Christmas Mourning
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Why are Slavs always squatting?
what else is there to do while you're waiting in line?
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How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan?
Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten minutes to answer.
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What does the interrupting cow say?
HE SAYS MOO oh wait this joke totally doesn't work in text
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Why do pro gamers get up at 1:37pm?
Because it's 13:37! I came up with this last night and have been waiting to post it until 1:37pm my time.
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What is 10 years with me?
Wife:What is 10 years with me Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second
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What is the hardest part about firing a black man?
Waiting for him to show up.
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What is the similarity between Disney World and a woman?
They both make you wait 2 hours for a 30 second ride!
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What do you call people waiting in line for Vietnamese soup?
Pho queue.
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How can you tell if somebody's run a marathon?
Wait 15 seconds, they'll tell you.
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What does a bodybuilder do while waiting in a long line?
Weights
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How does a feminist change a lightbulb?
By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them.
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What is she doing?
the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."
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What's the difference between North Korea amd South Korea?
North Koreans have no Seoul. Thought of this very early in the morning waiting to board a plane.
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How do you get a Ford recalled?
Wait.
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What do you call a midget in a hospital waiting room constantly complaining about how long he's been waiting?
Imp-Patient!
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How does a feminist screw in a light bulb?
She doesn't, she just holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
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What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?
He waits for it at the next stop.
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What do you do with a green ghoul?
A: Wait until it ripens.
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What's my type?
Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I'm describing my bed again.
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What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds no wait - 13 seconds no wait - 14 seconds no wait......
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How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
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Why are sailors so impatient when they get on land?
Because they're tired of waiting in the rhumb line.
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How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let's hear him out.
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What do you call a squashed Italian?
A Nepalitano. Oh yeah - wait a sec - OK - for the low-info crowd here:
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How does an elephant go up a tree?
It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
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Why do the french hate League of Legends?
They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering
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How many egoists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They simply hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One narcissist. The narcissist holds the lightbulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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How do you save a suicidal procrastinator?
Tell them it can probably wait 'til tomorrow.
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How many US Congress members does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. They just hold it still and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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Why is Viagra like Disneyworld?
You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride
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What's a blind man doing on a boat?
Waiting for a bus.
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What's the definition of eternity?
Four blondes waiting at a four way stop.
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What letter has to wait in line the longest?
Q
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Why did the chiropractor have trouble waiting behind people?
Because he didn't know what alignment. I hope this one cracks you up!
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What is a guy who rubs bear toes called?
Rob...wait for it... erto! Rubeartoe!
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Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?
Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait Boss: Today!
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How to keep idiot waiting?
I'll tell tomorrow.
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What do bees do if they want to use public transport ?
Wait at a buzz stop !
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What's the difference between young girls and photographs?
After putting them in a dark room, you have to wait for the photograph to fully develop.
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What animal is two animals at the same time?
The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :) ... oh, wait.
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How do we know Jesus was a man?
We've had to wait 2,000 years for his second coming.
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How does an engineer screw a light-bulb?
He holds the light-bulb over the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oh, wait. That's a hardware problem.
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Why does jesus not play video games?
Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn
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What are you typing?
Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It's not that Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!" -Google.
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Why did the hipster burn his tongue drinking tea?
Because he didn't wait for it to be cool.
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Why did Jon snow wait outside he Apple Store for 3 days?
For the watch
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What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
Wait, I can explain everything!
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Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
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How many senior medical consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds up the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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What's three times worse than OCD?
OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait the last time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait, the second time didn't feel right. OCD, OCD, OCD. Wait...
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How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?
She waits until midnight and plugs it back in. Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.
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What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty?
There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.
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Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons ?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train !
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What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he's finished.
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What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?
A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.
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How do you keep idiots waiting?
I'll tell you later
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How do you make an internet addict wait?
I'll tell you later.
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Why why why after all these years?
They say "We were waiting for the children to die."
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Whats the difference between a priest and acne?
One waits till you're 14 before coming on your face.
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What do you call an organized group of people waiting to get drinks?
Punchline
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How are bad dubstep and constipation similar?
Both leave you waiting for the drop.
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What do you call a line of men waiting to get a hair cut?
A barbecue
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What did one hat say to the other hat?
You wait here, I'm going to go on a head.
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What are you guys doing here?
Just waiting for Ronaldo"
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What gift do you want?
HUSBAND: "An English girl." After a month, wife returns.. HUSBAND: "Where is my gift " WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"
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How do you catch a whale?
You wait until last call and use a good pick up line.
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How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
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How long have you been waiting to use that joke?
He happily says, "Since 2009!"
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How do you tell if somebody doesn't have a smartphone?
Just wait, they'll tell you.
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How many femenists does it *really* take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter how many femenists try, they can't change anything. Alternatively, they just hold it up and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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How long does it take to for Mexicans to do a job?
Oh, wait they're done.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. They hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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What are we waiting for?
the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."
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How do you make someone stare at a screen for 30 seconds?
Please wait...
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Why I'm Breaking Up With You" Him: Wait, what the--?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
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What do Italians do when they're waiting for somthing?
They pasta time.
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What should you do if a vampire borrows your comic?
Wait for him to give it back.