Wake Jokes

  • What did the terrorist say when he woke up?

    It was Allah dream.

  • Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?

    He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

  • Why did the cop wake up his son?

    To stop a kid napping.

  • What's the hardest part about being a vegan?

    Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

  • What do necrophiliacs get when they wake up on the day of a funeral?

    Mourning Wood

  • What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?

    Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.

  • Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday?

    To watch Dablooney Toons!

  • What does a clever sentry on guard duty say when he wakes up to see his commanding officer standing over him?


  • What's that awful thing called... M: ... J: You wake up with it after you drink?

    M: Linda.

  • What did the overweight woman say to Buffalo Bill when she woke up?

    I can't feel my face when I'm with you...

  • What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating?

    Man, wall mounts are awesome."

  • What did the Seven Dwarfs say when the prince woke up Snow White?

    Welp.... I guess it's back to jerking off!

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

    It's ok, he woke up.

  • What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ?

    An alarm cluck !

  • Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?

    So he could wake up inside.

  • Why did the band Wham! break up?

    Because he didn't wake him up before he went went. It's , people.

  • How often do Chinese people have elections?

    When they wake up every morning.

  • What is the definition of torque?

    When you wake up in the morning with an erection so stiff, that when you bend it down to take a leak, your legs kick back and you hit your head on the toilet.

  • How is that a problem?

    The man says, "I don't wake up until 10:30."

  • What do you call that mean guy who keeps waking you up?

    A myoclonic jerk.

  • What's updog?

    Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u Dad (from hallway): OWNED

  • What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?

    A: Catsup!

  • What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster?

    A wake-up call!

  • What's a glow worms favourite song ?

    Wake me up before you glow glow !

  • Why is there no volume control on the microwave?

    Must it always wake the entire house when I'm trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza

  • What's long and hard every time you wake up?

    Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.

  • What does a racist drink to wake himself up every morning?

    A KKK-Cup!

  • How woke?

    Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

  • Why do golf commentators speak softly?

    To not wake the audience.

  • Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy?

    In case you wake the sleeping pills!

  • How do you wake up a loafer?

    With a shoe horn.

  • Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?

    Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise Oh, right, *of course* !"

  • What's happening!?

    Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!

  • Why do you need patience at the gym?

    Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

  • What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field?


  • What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?

    She puts her clothes back on and goes home.

  • Why don't bananas snore?

    Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

  • How do you know a girl is into you?

    Just pinch yourself, if you don't wake up, she doesn't.

  • How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?

    You wake up wet !

  • What did George Michael say to his partner before he went to work?

    Wake me up before you go-go

  • How do you wake up Lady Gaga..?


  • What's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning?

    Another day.

  • Why does a montonegran man keep a chair next to his bed?

    So he can have a rest after he gets tired from waking up.

  • Why is marriage is like an alarm clock?

    After the ring, you wake up!

  • What does a widow say when she wakes up?


  • How do you wake a sleeping Lady Gaga?

    You poke poke poker face

  • Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?

    Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."

  • What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with?

    An alarm, you pervert!

  • Why did the policeman wake up his son?

    He saw a .

  • What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm?

    Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.

  • What time does a mechanic wake up?


  • What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?

    A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

  • Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

    Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

  • What did the pumpkin say after waking up his family?

    Awaken, my pump- "

  • What is Italian-American foreplay?

    Hey! Wake up and roll over!"

  • Why did the man sleep under the tractor?

    Because he wanted to wake up oily.

  • What did the seven dwarves say when Snow White finally woke up?

    Well, it looks like its back to jerking off.

  • Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

    Cause they don't have balls to scratch

  • I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.

    I woke up exhausted!

  • How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

    You pa- pa- poker face, pa- pa- poker face!

  • Why are you always tired, Dad?

    my 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.

  • What did the dead blues musician sing?

    Didn't wake up this morning..."

  • Why do I always seem to start my day backwards?

    I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake

  • What's your favourite priest and a rabbi joke?

    Been awhile since I've her some priest and a rabbi jokes. Hit me with your best one! Mine: a priest and a rabbi are waking down the street The priest asks " wanna screw some kids?" The rabbi replies "out if what?"

  • What did they say about the guy who woke up and jerked off on his alarm clock every day?

    He always came on time.

  • How many "can't"s can a white girl "can't" before she literally can't even?

    my brother asked me this when i woke up and it has been bugging me all day.