Wake Jokes
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What did the terrorist say when he woke up?
It was Allah dream.
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Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?
He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
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Why did the cop wake up his son?
To stop a kid napping.
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What's the hardest part about being a vegan?
Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.
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What do necrophiliacs get when they wake up on the day of a funeral?
Mourning Wood
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What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?
Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.
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Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday?
To watch Dablooney Toons!
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What does a clever sentry on guard duty say when he wakes up to see his commanding officer standing over him?
Amen
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What's that awful thing called... M: ... J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
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What did the overweight woman say to Buffalo Bill when she woke up?
I can't feel my face when I'm with you...
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What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating?
Man, wall mounts are awesome."
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What did the Seven Dwarfs say when the prince woke up Snow White?
Welp.... I guess it's back to jerking off!
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's ok, he woke up.
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What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ?
An alarm cluck !
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Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?
So he could wake up inside.
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Why did the band Wham! break up?
Because he didn't wake him up before he went went. It's , people.
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How often do Chinese people have elections?
When they wake up every morning.
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What is the definition of torque?
When you wake up in the morning with an erection so stiff, that when you bend it down to take a leak, your legs kick back and you hit your head on the toilet.
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How is that a problem?
The man says, "I don't wake up until 10:30."
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What do you call that mean guy who keeps waking you up?
A myoclonic jerk.
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What's updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u Dad (from hallway): OWNED
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What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?
A: Catsup!
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What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster?
A wake-up call!
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What's a glow worms favourite song ?
Wake me up before you glow glow !
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Why is there no volume control on the microwave?
Must it always wake the entire house when I'm trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza
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What's long and hard every time you wake up?
Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.
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What does a racist drink to wake himself up every morning?
A KKK-Cup!
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How woke?
Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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Why do golf commentators speak softly?
To not wake the audience.
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Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy?
In case you wake the sleeping pills!
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How do you wake up a loafer?
With a shoe horn.
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Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise Oh, right, *of course* !"
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What's happening!?
Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!
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Why do you need patience at the gym?
Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.
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What do you call a corn farmer who wakes up one morning to find that complex branching pathways have been cut into his field?
amaized.
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What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?
She puts her clothes back on and goes home.
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Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
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How do you know a girl is into you?
Just pinch yourself, if you don't wake up, she doesn't.
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How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
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What did George Michael say to his partner before he went to work?
Wake me up before you go-go
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga..?
POKER FACE ... BAHAHAHA!!!
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What's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning?
Another day.
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Why does a montonegran man keep a chair next to his bed?
So he can have a rest after he gets tired from waking up.
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Why is marriage is like an alarm clock?
After the ring, you wake up!
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What does a widow say when she wakes up?
Mourning
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How do you wake a sleeping Lady Gaga?
You poke poke poker face
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Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?
Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."
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What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with?
An alarm, you pervert!
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Why did the policeman wake up his son?
He saw a .
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What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm?
Washed a Ton State. I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.
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What time does a mechanic wake up?
Oily!
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What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
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Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?
Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
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What did the pumpkin say after waking up his family?
Awaken, my pump- "
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What is Italian-American foreplay?
Hey! Wake up and roll over!"
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Why did the man sleep under the tractor?
Because he wanted to wake up oily.
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What did the seven dwarves say when Snow White finally woke up?
Well, it looks like its back to jerking off.
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Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?
Cause they don't have balls to scratch
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I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted!
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You pa- pa- poker face, pa- pa- poker face!
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Why are you always tired, Dad?
my 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.
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What did the dead blues musician sing?
Didn't wake up this morning..."
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Why do I always seem to start my day backwards?
I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake
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What's your favourite priest and a rabbi joke?
Been awhile since I've her some priest and a rabbi jokes. Hit me with your best one! Mine: a priest and a rabbi are waking down the street The priest asks " wanna screw some kids?" The rabbi replies "out if what?"
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What did they say about the guy who woke up and jerked off on his alarm clock every day?
He always came on time.
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How many "can't"s can a white girl "can't" before she literally can't even?
my brother asked me this when i woke up and it has been bugging me all day.