Watch Jokes
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How does a poor man watch TV?
with binoculars. u know, he has to watch whatever the neighbours are watching.
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What do elephants do in the evenings ?
Watch elevision !
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What type of movie does a blind person watch?
Black and black movies.
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Whats the hardest part of watching an Orphanage burn?
Not getting hard.
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What do you call the surveillance system that watches us all whilst we are in the bathroom?
the panoptijohn
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Where is the remote?
All the way over there." "Guess I'm watching this."
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What gets bigger each time I watch a stripper?
My debt.
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What do you call someone who only watches Horror Anime?
A Ouijaboo.
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What are mixed feelings?
Watching your mother-in-law backing up towards the edge of a cliff in your new BMW.
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What happens when you stick your hand into a jar of jelly beans?
The black ones steal your watch and the yellow ones paint your nails.
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What time of day are you not able to find your watch?
4:04
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What did the Mexican say when the house fell on him?
Ayyyy watch it homes!
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Why did Jon snow wait outside he Apple Store for 3 days?
For the watch
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How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile?
Two. One to launch it one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
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How many more times will I watch "A Walk To Remember" tonight?
As Mandy Moore times as I want to.
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Why did the old man hate using the new chip cards?
He's trying to watch his sodium intake.
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How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?
Netflix: Because you watched "The Wedding Planner"
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What's worse than watching your brother do a double barrel roll over 15 cars on a motorbike?
Having to watch him do a half barrel roll over 8 of them. R.I.P. Bobby. Never forget.
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Why did the kid throw the watch out the window?
So time would fly.
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What kind of TV show do felines watch?
Catoons
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How does the Pirate watch his movie?
He PIRATES them off line. (Or torrents them off Pirates Bay) =)
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Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?
Orphans.
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What do you call 55 men watching the superbowl?
A: Pittsburg Steelers
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What do you call an investment banker who's always watching you?
A stocker.
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How do you fix a womans watch?
You dont. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why did Jon Snow go to The Apple Store?
For the Watch.
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What do you call it when someone forces you to watch them take their clothes off?
A power strip.
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What was wrriten on a sign at the entrance of a gas chamber in the Holocaust?
Watch your step
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What kind of movie do mathematicians most often watch?
rated movies
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What do you call Rowan Atkinson watching Monty Python?
A jellybean.
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Why are there windows on the back of French tanks?
So they can watch the battle
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What's worse than being stuck in traffic behind a driver that's vaping?
Realizing that your being intently watched for your reaction to their sic clouds - BEST RECOGNIZE!
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What game are you watching?
I wonder what she thought I was doing with my hands.
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What does a lifeguard and a manager of a Curves have in common?
They both watch whales.
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What do you call black men working while white men watch?
Slav-The NBA
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Why couldn't Mario ever watch Netflix with Peach?
Because the princess was always on another Castle.
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What's 72?
What's 72? 69 with 3 people watching!
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What did the German watch repairer say to his watch that would only go tick, tick, tick?
A: "Ve have vays of making you tock!"
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Where's Finnick?
Odair he is! Obligatory: My brother told this to me while watching Mockingjay P2.
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Why did the pervert like to watch girls in their entrance hallways?
He was a foyer.
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What's the last thing a Redneck says before he dies?
Watch this!
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What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?
On one hand, you have a watch... But on the other hand, you have a watch.
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What do a slinky and your mother in law have in common?
They're both fun to watch tumble down stairs.
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What are you watching tonight?
The game where players make enough money to risk getting brain damage, or the debate where the players already have brain damage?
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Why couldn't the pregnent women watch all of the Harry Potter movies?
Because they lactate.
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What do you get when you watch 'Cinderella' backwards?
A woman in her place...
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Why did the fish cross the ocean?
Watching the National Geographic channel always makes me wonder how animals like fish manage to travel thousands of miles,and how they know where to go. Then I realised they can measure distances so well because they have their own scales.
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Why did Jon Snow need a new battery?
For the watch.
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What's the best part about getting head from an infant?
Watching the soft spot move.
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Why did Jon snow stand in line at the Apple store?
For the watch!
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What has eight legs and an IQ of forty?
Four guys watching a baseball game.
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Why did Negan watch Arrested Development?
Someone told him there were two Lucilles
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How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just watch it burn out and follow it around for 30 years.
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What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands?
A pocket watch.
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Why couldn't the orphan watch the movie?
Because it was PG
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What did the horse say to whinnie the pooh while watching his t.v. show?
I wish I could hear you whinnie.
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What does 9/11 and owning CP have in common?
The government will watch you for the next 15+ years
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I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw
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Why dont applebees employees wear watches?
Cuz theres a clock on the microwave
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Why do rednecks like the doggie position?
That way they can both watch wrestling.
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What are a redneck's last two words before dying ?
WATCH THIS !
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Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns?
A: To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.
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How did the executioner learn about knots?
By watching the noose.
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Why were they called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights! Credit: watching Mr. D on Netflix
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Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?
Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.
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Why's the couch smell like pee?
Flashback to me watching The Ring alone Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."
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When do hamburgers most enjoy watching TV?
During PRIME time!
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What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer?
A really good watch.
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What is the best time to watch Predator?
Anytiiiiiiiiiime
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What is the difference between the people in Dubai &?
the people in Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi Do!
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Why was Jon Snow looking for an iWatch charger?
Because now his watch has ended.
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Where are you?
I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice I AM
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What do vegetables watch when they're feeling frisky?
Cornography
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How many men does it take to fix a women's watch?
Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!
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What did the cat do when he didn't want to watch the movie?
He paws-ed it!
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Why did Olly call the manager for help, outside the store?
For the watch..
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Whats the biggest difference between men and women?
The phrase I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film. is a good place to start.
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time...
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What is the term for someone that gets aroused watching Star Wars?
They have a Bobba Fetish
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Why cant you watch TV in Afghanistan?
Because of the tele-ban.
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Why did Jon Snow wait in line at the Apple store ?
For the watch .
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What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
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What was the beef doing as he watched the salad dressing?
Stroganoff
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What are an idiot's last words?
Hey, watch this.
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When you have the choice between cleaning the bath or doing some sport... which series do you watch ?
D
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What's better than watching a woman wrestle?
Seeing her box.
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Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?
One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.
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Why are Sharks the only species that get their own week?
I'd totally watch hermit crab week if they had one.
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What kind of cheese is best to watch Lost with?
Smoked Muenster.
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How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet - me watching my kids Christmas pageant
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Why were Wrigley, Doublemint, and Orbit watching CNN?
To find out the latest on gum control legislation.
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What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with...Unconventional.
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Why was the young snowflake so upset?
Because he just watched his mom get plowed.
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Where does a cow go to watch a film?
The mooovies. pls tell to friends.
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Why did the traitor wear two watches?
Because he's a two timer.
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What do you get when you combine a watch with a dog?
An eternally suffering abomination...YOU MONSTER!
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What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do
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Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL?
Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
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What do Twitter drama and football have in common?
They are both interesting to watch.
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What is the best way to watch the "Saw" films?
In bits and pieces.
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What do you call a room full of men watching the Super Bowl on a big screen TV?
The Patriots
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Why was the man intently watching the bowl of snickers?
He wanted to see who would have the last laugh. back to work...
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What do you call a dog wearing a watch?
You would call it a dog. A dog wearing a watch is not a watchdog.
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Who is consistently the best pro sports team to watch in Minnesota?
The visitors.
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What does Bjork do when she's horny?
A: She watches pjorn.
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What position do u play?
ME: I'm a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.
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Why did John Snow get an iPhone?
For the watch.
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What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over?
Watch the second half.
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What are you watching?
Our wedding video."
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Why does a rooster watch TV ?
For hentertainment !
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What kind of trees watch kids in Mexico?
Baby cedar
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Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?
It was unmiscible.
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What do the Golden State Warriors do when they're not playing basketball?
They watch moving picktures.
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What do you call a group of zombies watching The Sixth Sense while on a cruise?
High Seas Dead People
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Where do people in Ghana go to watch football?
The Ghanarena
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What do you get when you watch Cinderella backwards?
You see a woman learn her place.
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What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?
HDMI
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How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?
Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.
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How long does it take To microwave a baby?
I'm too busy jerking of to watch a timer.
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What do ghosts watch if they want to relax?
Skelly-vision!
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Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couplesfight and read high quality humor columns?
To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.
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What are the famous last words of a redneck?
Hey ya'll, watch this!"
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Where does the brown sugar go to watch a movie?
The Cinemon.
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What's the difference between a suicidal ghost hunter and a weaboo alcohol taster?
One drinks bleach and watches spirits the other drinks spirits and watches Bleach.
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What did my roommate say when I asked him if he wanted to watch the movie The usual Suspects?
Is it about black people
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What's difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?
People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones But people in Abu Dhabi Do!!
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How many members of Coldplay does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'd have to watch Radiohead do it first.
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Why shouldn't you ask Jon Snow what time it is?
Because his watch has ended.
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What do you do to relax?
I enjoy people watching. - The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower. - I know.
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Why should you never watch a movie with a generous Nascar driver?
He might give away spoilers!
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What do you call a group of millionaires sitting around watching the NBA finals ?
The Lakers . (Laker fan here. Sorry prob would have been more appropriate last week during the finals. ) Edit: I heard this some where the other day. I can't take credit for the joke .
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What kind of watch does Germs Bond wear?
An Amoeba.
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Why doesn't anyone watch women's hockey?
The games take 3 months to play!
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What do you call a statistician watching a bull fight?
A mathador.
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Why do they like to watch Star Wars on the big screen on aircraft carriers?
They're all about force projection.
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How about some snappy one-liners?
Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.
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Why did the German watchmaker say to the watch that kept saying "Tick, tick, tick, tick,..."?
Ve haff vays of meking you tock."
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How do Russians watch online movies?
Nyetflix!
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Why did the guy cut a hole in his carpet?
He wanted to watch the floor show. And why did he cover it back up ...He realized that he didn't want to watch the "hole" show.
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What sport do Japanese people watch?
Desuball
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What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
ya'll watch this!
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What's the first rule of bug ownership?
Watch your step!
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Who's winning Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game. "What's the score Gramps?
92 to 86." "Who's winning " I asked. "92"
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Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie?
It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that.
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Why don't women need a watch?
There's a clock on the stove.
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Why doesn't Superman watch Game of thrones?
Because he has a LED-TV.
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Why can't children watch pirate movies?
Because they're rated
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What Do the Joker and 60,000,000 people have in common?
They just wanna watch the world burn
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Who can watch an R rated movie but not a PG?
Batman
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What makes a grown man cry?
Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.
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How do crows know what time is it?
They have the knights watch .
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What's the motto of the Singaporean police?
Big Brudder is watching you
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How do you make Ben Carson yell?
Watch a movie with him.
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What do you get when you cross an idiot with a watch?
A cuckoo clock.
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What do you get if you watch the Blind Side backwards?
Oher's NFL career
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Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
So he could watch the football
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How do you teach a girl math?
Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, give her a square root and watch her multiply.
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Why couldn't a kid watch a pirate movie?
Because it was rated R.
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what's going on live, but can't while watching it on tv
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What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
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Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it Joe: Three a policeman the owner of the watch and me!!
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What do vegetables watch when they're horny?
Corn
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What's a redneck's last words?
Hey, Watch This!
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What kind of movies do pirates watch?
ARRRR Rated Movies!
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Can I watch the TV?
Yes, but don’t turn it on.
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What do you call a cat who watches dirty movies?
A purrvert.
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Why don't women need watches?
There's a clock on the stove.
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Why don't you buy your wife a watch?
There's already a clock on the stove
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Why is it hard to watch two elephants boxing?
Because they've got the same color trunks.
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What programs do cultists watch shows on?
Ct-hulu
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What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?
The restraining order
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What bug has to watch it's sugar intake?
A dia-beetle
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How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three others to watch and say, "Really dude, you look huge!"
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Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?
For the watch
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Who else is watching and laughing their a$$ off?
Turns out Martha Stewart is a boss
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Why does Tyler Perry put his name on everything he makes?
So you know what shows to watch.
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What's a sailor's favorite thing to watch at sunset?
Knot movies
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Where do angles go for fun on the weekends?
To watch movies in the THETA
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What is a 72?
A 69 with 3 people watching.
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Why shouldn't you wear a watch on your belt?
It'd be a waste of time.
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What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room?
You made the chain too long in the kitchen.
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What do you mean I can't identify as a television?
Just watch me!
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How many Syrians does it take to launch a missle?
Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.
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Why aren't kids under the age of 18 allowed to watch videos about duck calls without the consent of a parent?
Because they contain a lot of fowl language.
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Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses. 9: Wow it's tiny! Who's gonna live there Me: Two people. 9: Are they married Me: Not for long.
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How Dave Grohl spent his night in his hotel room after the concert in Gothenburg, Sweden?
He watched movie Cast Away (starring Tom Hanks) and ate some potato chips.
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What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!
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Why do you never buy a woman a watch?
Because there's a clock on the stove.
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Why did the girl sit on her watch?
She wanted to be on time.
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Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday?
To watch Dablooney Toons!
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How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't change it. They just watch it burn out, then follow it around for another 15 years.
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What Is The Best Sub Reddit To See Once Watching "Gods Of Egypt?
r/EyeBleach.
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Did you watch the new comic book movie?
It was very graphic!
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How do people in Iowa get elections?
By watching corn!
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When drinking liquor while watching baseball, at what point will you be the most drunk?
Bottom of the fifth, of course.
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Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
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What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree?
bored. haha
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What TV station do bees watch ?
Bee bee c one!
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What's the difference between my broken watch and a lesbian?
My watch hasn't got a strap on.
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What did the pirate say when his kids were about to watch their favorite cartoon?
ARE YE READY KIDS !
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Why don't women wear watches?
Because there's a perfectly good clock on the stove
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How many dwarfs does take to change a light bulb?
It can vary, but It's quite hilarious to watch.
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What's the difference between my bike and your mom?
Your dad doesn't watch when I ride my bike.
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Why are you watching Thatcher's funeral?
Mum: "Just to make sure"
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What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows?
Survivor guilt.
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What is your favorite joke about women?
Q: Why don't women wear watches? A: Because there is a clock on the stove.
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Whats happening?
FB=Whats on your mind FourSquare= Where am I Quora=what Youtube=What Im watching. LinkedIn=Whats in it for me
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What anime do Mexicans watch?
Boku no Pico de Gallo
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What did Michael J. Fox's dad say when Michael J. Fox tried to parallel park?
Watch the Parking son."
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Why did the man throw his watch out the window?
He wanted to see time fly!
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Why are we watching a live internet stream of men exiting a hole?
Isn't this using the internet backwards
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Why do you have 0 viewers on Twitch?
Because not even Nightbot is watching you.
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What was the last thing the snowboarder ever said?
Hey guys, watch this!"
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Why does it take so long for a pro-lifer to screw in a lightbulb?
They love to watch mistakes being made.
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What did Snoop say Dr. Dre while binge watching their favorite TV show?
Are you ready for the next episode?
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How many Mormons does it take to drink a 12 pack of beer?
One if nobody is watching.
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How do you know if someone doesn't like Football and isn't going to watch the Super Bowl?
They'll tell you
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Why don't tornadoes watch Bill O'Reilly on FOXNEWS?
It is a no spin zone
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How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to screw it in one to watch and one to shoot the witness.
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When did this happen ?
a) I don't know he also stole my watch.
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How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. No one ever watches the choir director.
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What's the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends?
The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.
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What were the Kamikaze Pilot's last words?
Watch this cause i'll only do it once."
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How do you make beef stew?
Tell a cow they're being watched.
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What happened when the two lovers were watching a scary movie in a year when Valentine's day happened to fall on Friday the 13th?
Oh wait, nevermind. I'm an idiot...*
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What Do you call 20 Millionaires watching the Superbowl?
The Dallas Cowboys
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What is the saddest Olympic sport to watch?
Water Polio
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What phrase would a neckbeard who watches South Park use the most?
M'Kay