Wife Jokes

  • What did the Irishman text his Wife?

    Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

  • How can I buy the New York Times?

    He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

  • How can you tell if your wife left you?

    You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!

  • What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

    Your wife back, your dog back, your house back...

  • What do hand grenades and wives have in common?

    Remove the ring and your house is gone.

  • What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

    50 pounds.

  • Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife?

    The jury store

  • Why did the Dad divorce his wife after she named their son?

    She named him Oedipus.

  • Why doesn't Kanye West take his wife to the beach?

    Because he is afraid tidal wave will take her away from him.

  • Why do woman out live men?

    They don't have wives

  • How does a butcher introduce his wife to his friends?

    Meet Patty"

  • Why don't you buy your wife a watch?

    There's already a clock on the stove

  • Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed?

    Because they finish each other's sentences

  • What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?

    A: A snowmobile!

  • How is your job and your wife different?

    I don't mind telling work the other jobs I've done

  • Why is it hard for Arab men to have a guy's night out?

    They have to find babysitters for their wives.

  • Why do they call boats "she"?

    Because the wives had to get on board somehow.

  • Why do you want to be buried at sea?

    Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.

  • How did the sad clown smile and laugh again?

    They told him his wife died recently.

  • Which perfume do you use ?

    It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

  • Why did the mathematician bring home 24 eggs from the grocery store?

    Because when he asked his wife how many eggs to buy, she said 4!

  • What candy do you give your wife before you get married?

    Pre-nup brittle.

  • What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?


  • What did the cactus say to his wife?

    Aloe Vera!

  • Why do husbands typically die before their wives?

    They want to.

  • Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?


  • What do you call a married knot?

    Monotonous. Bonus answer from my wife: a noose.

  • How to make your wife take care while driving?

    Tell her that if she meets with a serious accident, the newspaper will have to print her age.

  • Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?

    At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.

  • What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?

    One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

  • What's the definition of a Polygamist?

    Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!

  • What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

    A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

  • What did you get me for Mother's Day?

    3-year-old: A cake. Wife: Where is it 3: You haven't made it yet.

  • When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why?

    She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

  • What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?

    If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor

  • Why did Spock dump his wife?

    because William Shatner I know it's old, but I love it so

  • What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?

    A widow

  • What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?

    You get your wife back. Your house back. Your truck back. Your dog back...

  • What do you do when your wife starts smoking?

    Slow down and apply lube

  • What are you praying for?

    Husband: For guidance. Wife: Pray for hardness. Leave guidance to me!!!

  • What's on at the cinema?

    Wife: Let me google it and- *terrified look at bill* Wife: Let me bing it and see.

  • Where did Santa meet his wife?

    Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses

  • What did the US President with Alzheimer's ask his wife?

    Who are you

  • Why did the janitor file for a divorce?

    He found his wife sweeping with someone else.

  • What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

    About 60 pounds.

  • Where are you going?

    Me: Out. I can't stand being hemmed in by four walls. Wife: How many walls has the pub got Five

  • Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife?

    Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her

  • Why was the Robot angry at the engineer?

    Because he screwed his wife!

  • Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died?

    He just needed a little bit of Clojure.

  • Why were the 2 in love melons upset?

    Because they cantaloupe. (The wife thought of this one... hopefully nobody else has posted it)

  • Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

    Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk

  • Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

    Because he was a neck-romancer....

  • What did Jay-Z call his wife-to-be?


  • What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ?

    My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

  • Why is your wife annoying?

    Because she is always jalapeno business.

  • What's the Difference between a Wife and an Attic Door?

    An attic door can shut up. im going to hell

  • How long have we had that pillow?

    Wife: No idea Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

  • What do Romans say when their wives run away?


  • Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk?

    Because their wives are driving.

  • What Did The Dying Gambler Say To His Wife?

    10 bucks says I don't need this oxygen tank"

  • How's the ventriloquism going?

    ME: Not good. WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book. ME: I don't think he read it.

  • What did Wilford Brimley say to his wife when he found out she was pregnant?

    You have diafetus

  • Who would you save first?

    Wife asks her husband: Honey, If a lion attacks my mother and I, Who would you save first? Husband: Well, the lion!

  • Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

    Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

  • What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

    He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

  • How did the farmer find his wife?

    He tractor down

  • Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?

    To remind them why there's no money in it

  • What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip?

    Recalculating route.

  • What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

    Wife: Please go wait in the car

  • How's the wife?

    Me:Glowing Neighbour:Pregnant Me:No, she's on fire, just going for more wood Neighbour:You're sick Me:You're next

  • What letter never satisfies it's wife?

    The quick E

  • What is it that you are both most fearful of?

    WIFE: I just...sobbing...don't want the kids to suffer ME: Eels

  • What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

    Darth Vader.

  • How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?

    Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.

  • What do wives and shingles have in common?

    if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.

  • Why do presidents have unsatisfied wives?

    It takes four years to get an election.

  • How did the Newfie get his wife pregnant?

    and you call us stupid.

  • What did the man say to his big breasted ex-wife?

    Thanks for the mammaries.

  • Why did the drunk Mexican shoot his wife?


  • What was the engineer's reaction to his wife being too heavy?

    Cantilever? (can't I leave her)

  • What do you call a man whose wife was the Queen, his daughter a Princess and his boss an Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

    Darth Vader.

  • Whats the last thing you want to see when youre shagging the wife?

    The husband.

  • What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

    Hog and kisses!

  • What do you do when you see your wife stumbling around in the backyard?

    Shoot her again.

  • What is headache ?

    5 minutes talk to wife.

  • What is Checkmate?

    You tell your Wife, "I saw a lady, looked exactly like you" Wife asks, "WAS SHE BEAUTIFUL?" You cant say 'NO' You cant say 'YES' That is Checkmate!

  • What else?

    You've walked out of wife"

  • What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?

    A stole.

  • What did the man say to his wife when he failed to get an erection?

    No hard feelings.

  • Why is a good husband like bread dough?

    Because his wife needs him.

  • What the hell are you two doing?

    He demanded. His wife turned to the stranger and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

  • Where are the posters?

    WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! In other room *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

  • Why did Henry VIII have so many wives ?

    He liked to chop and change !

  • What was the last thing Robin Williams said to his wife?

    You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.

  • What's white and washes your socks?

    Your wife.

  • What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

    About 45 pounds. What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend 45 minutes

  • What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

    Babe, it's a valve!"

  • What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?

    Mourning wood.

  • How did a blind man meet his wife?

    A: On a blind date!

  • What happened to the baseball played who was unfaithful to his wife?

    He was thrown out at home. - His two balls got a strike.

  • Why was the wife worried that her husband was a light drinker?

    Every night, he'd go out and drink until it was light.

  • What did Dr Dre say to his wife during Netflix and chill?

    Hope you're ready for the next episode

  • What do Godot and my wife have in common?

    Both are French.

  • Why did the chicken cross my wife?

    Because I ran her over in the street.

  • What's the difference between a gun and a wife?

    You can silence a gun.

  • What does the husband say to his wife whose nose is bleeding?

    Nothing, he already said it twice.

  • Which Spanish superhero has three wives?


  • What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room?

    You made the chain too long in the kitchen.

  • How does the alchemist please his wife?


  • How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?

    he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

  • Who slept with my wife?

    and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."

  • What is the definition of a Wife?

    An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

  • What's this for?

    He asked. "A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

  • What's the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s?

    You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

  • How many fish did it take to consume my wife?

    None. There are no fish under my new gazebo

  • Why do pagans make the best husbands and wives?

    Because they'll worship the ground you walk on.

  • What did the Morman say when asked what kind of wives he wanted?

    Brigham Young"

  • What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date?

    Netflix and chill.

  • Why didn't Bach buy his wife a new accordion?

    He couldn't afford it; he was "Baroque".

  • What did the man say after his wife was dragged off the beach by a seal?

    Welp, seal ate her.

  • What mammal dies after it mates?

    Anyone that goes near my wife!

  • What's the different between a wife and a smoke detector?

    One, you can turn off without even trying. The other, you spend all day waving a dish cloth at.

  • What did Shakespeare say when asked how his wife keeps things interesting?

    Anne hath a way."

  • Why couldn't the guy with insomnia have an affair with anyone's wife?

    Because he couldn't sleep with anyone.

  • Who's been screwing my wife?

    A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo, mate!"

  • What do you throw a drowning aboriginal?

    His wife and kids

  • What're you doing in the garage?

    ME: I made a cloning machine. WIFE: Don't do anything stupid. OTHER ME: Like what

  • What do you call your wife and mother-in-law when they're riding in the same car?

    Dual air bags.

  • What if I buried it in the yard?

    me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

  • What does his wife call it?


  • What did the Cannibal get for dinner after offending his wife?

    The cold shoulder.

  • What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?

    Ughs and kisses!

  • What's the difference between my wife and the dress?

    The dress is white and gold

  • What do you throw a drowning Mexican?

    His wife and kids.

  • What did the husband tell his wife to do after he slapped her?

    The same thing he told her the first time!

  • How do we know JFK was a fan of PDA?

    He was all over his wife at the parade

  • Why couldn't the Engineer Manager screw his wife?

    Sorry I don't have the tools, I only supervise."

  • Why did Santa want a divorce?

    His wife made sure he only came once a year.

  • How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

    I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

  • Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

    Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool

  • What's the difference between my daughter and my wife?

    I need viagra to maintain erection with my wife.

  • When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?

    WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE : I use your toothbrush.

  • Why is dog man's best friend?

    They keep the mailman away from his wife

  • What do you get if you play a C&W song backwards?

    Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.

  • What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common?

    The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.

  • Why don't men install urinals in their houses?

    Their wives just wouldn't stand for it :)

  • What is the difference between a wife and a mistress?

    About 20kg.

  • What's pink, wrinkly, hairy, smells of pee, and hangs out you boxers?

    Either your mum, your wife or you.

  • Where'd you buy my gift?

    Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*

  • What do you tell your wife with two black eyes?

    Nothing, you already told her twice.

  • However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible?

    He wasn't single.

  • What's the most dangerous weapon your wife can get her hands on?

    Your credit card.

  • What do you get if you play a C&?

    W song backwards? Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.

  • What did the wife say as she left her Mexican husband?

    I'm sorry but I love another Juan.

  • What is a sailor's favorite letter?

    From his wife back home

  • Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline?

    And when did my wife start smoking

  • What do you love most my natural beauty or my body?

    Wife: Your sense of humor.

  • What type of wife always knows where her husband is?

    A widow

  • What's the difference between your job and your wife?

    Nobody does your job for you when you're out

  • What's blue, standing in the kitchen?

    STFU, I can paint my wife any colour I want!

  • Where is your wife ?

    In the garden. -But I don't see her. -Oh, you just have to dig a little.

  • What is the definision of mixed feelings?

    When your wife says that you have the largest in your street.

  • How do you know when you're turning 40?

    When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh

  • Why did you name your son Tinnitus?

    I don't know, me and my wife just thought it had a nice ring to it.

  • What's the problem with your marriage?

    WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise

  • What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day?

    A hug and a little quiche.

  • What happens if you play a country song backward?

    You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.

  • How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting?

    Talk in your sleep.

  • What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?

    Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one

  • Why do men die before their wives?

    Because we want to!

  • What is my relationship?

    Alex: No sorry tha- glares at wife I'll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

  • How does the redneck help his wife with the dishes?

    He gets her Dawn.

  • How's your wife been?

    Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours " Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

  • Why didn't Oscar Pistorius get a new bathroom door?

    Because his wife was dead-set against it...

  • Who was that lady I saw you with last night?

    The Canadian says "That was my wife."

  • Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?

    OC It was an obvious faux paw. Credit: My wife's a dork.

  • How many beers is that for you today, dear?

    Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.

  • What's worse than finding out that your wife has cancer?

    Finding out it's curable.

  • What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

    Wait, I can explain everything!

  • What is the hardest part about your wife telling you she has AIDS?

    Acting surprised.

  • What did the Chinese guy say to his wife after her botched plastic surgery?

    Honey, why the wrong face

  • Why do they say cleanliness is next to godliness?

    Because every time i talk dirty to my wife she tells me to go to hell.

  • Why are we here?

    Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

  • Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed?

    His wife didn't know any decent crackers.

  • What's the difference between life and wife's rant?

    Life eventually ends.

  • What are you doing tonight?

    Your wife.

  • What does a guy want more than anything in the world?

    It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.

  • What did the pig say when his wife left him?

    Don't go bacon my heart"

  • How are a grenade and a wife similar?

    If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone

  • What the hell is going on here?

    Wife turns to the man and says "Told you he was stupid."

  • What happens when you sing a country music song backwards?

    You get your wife, truck, and land back.

  • How many pull-ups can you do?

    Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses Me: Almost 1.

  • What does the snowman call his wife?


  • What's the trick to satisfying your wife or girlfriend with only 3.5 inches?

    Visa or Mastercard?

  • What about our child ?

    Wife: What What child Husband: So you are not pregnant

  • How many wife's does a catholic priest allowed to have?


  • Who plays those kind of jokes anymore?

    You're scaring my wife. She's only 12, jeez.

  • How about a quickie?

    Wife: As opposed to what

  • Why did my sperm cross the road?

    Because my wife wore the wrong socks.

  • How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?

    He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...

  • What do you get when you play country music backwards?

    You get your job back, you get your wife back and you get your tractor back.

  • How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?

    Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.

  • Why did my wife cross the road?

    To go back into the first clothes shop we went into two hours ago.

  • What's the only thing in the world that's bigger than a Samoan man?

    His wife.

  • When my wife does our daughter's hair: "How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?

    When I do her hair: "How about a hat "

  • Why did the stoner take his wife to court?

    He wanted to get joint custody.

  • What did the English man say when he walked in on his wife making love to three men?

    Ello, 'ello, 'ello!

  • Why did the Mexican push his wife off the building?


  • What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

    It's Christmas, Eve!

  • What's the difference between a wife and a dog?

    The later you get home, the happier one is to see you

  • What did Goku say when he heard his wife listening to the song, "Fancy"?

    Aye, Chi-Chi, Why?

  • What is the difference between the deflate gate controversy and my wife?

    Only one shows an interest in the balls.

  • What did the executioner say to his wife when he left?

    I'll beheading out now.

  • What did Jared Fogle say when his wife told him she wanted kids?

    Me too*

  • How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?

    Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.

  • What did the IT guy say to his wife after she complained about their love life?

    Did you try turning me off and on again?"

  • What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

    A: About fifty pounds.

  • What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?

    Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

  • How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife?

    On a blind date

  • What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield?

    You can actually get through the minefield alive.

  • What happens if you sing country music backwards?

    A: You get your job and your wife back.

  • What are your plans for Easter?

    Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

  • How JokeExplainBot spent his weekend?

    Explaining his wife.

  • What did the Gorilla call his first wife?

    His prime-mate!

  • Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

    Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!

  • Who are you & what are you doing in my house?

    Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad

  • Why can't we feed the animals?

    Wife: They'll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away. Me: *looks warily at our kids*

  • How do you get a kid out from a microwave?

    Please answer before my wife gets home!

  • What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?

    Oh no not snake and pygmy pie again!

  • How did Spartacus feel about going down on his wife?

    He was gladiator

  • Why did you leave us so early?

    He is asked why are you so crying Do you cry about your close relative -No, I am crying about the first husband of my wife.

  • How a husband describe his wife?

    Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

  • What is a traitor?

    A tray shaped dinosaur. Credits go to the wife for that one! She still giggles when she tells it.

  • What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce?

    I did not see that coming.

  • Why did u shoot ur wife ?

    Judge:why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover Methew:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

  • Why did the snowman leave his wife?

    Because she got plowed by another man.

  • Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on?

    Stop talking in secret code.

  • What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

    I missed you

  • What did the rabbi say after he was diagnosed with an aggressive and inoperable form of brain cancer, and his wife and child died in a car crash while driving to the hospital?

    Oy vey!"

  • What did the annoyed husband tell his wife after she saw elk falling from the sky?

    Sigh* That's not elk... That's just reindeer.

  • What do you think of my tweets?

    Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say Wife: You're consistent.

  • What did the musician say to his wife when he went out to the supermarket?

    I'm going Chopin, I'll be Bach in a minuet.

  • What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

    A: A dependent Claus.

  • Why do husbands die before their wives?

    They want to.

  • What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

    My girlfriend knows about my wife.

  • What is the punishment for bigamy?

    Two wives.

  • How many hillbillies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    2. A man, his wife, and his cousin

  • How is my wife doing?

    Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

  • How's the baby?

    Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..

  • What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day?

    Rugs and kisses!

  • What's the difference between wife and a blue whale?

    About 10 pounds.

  • What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?

    asks his wife. "31 black"

  • What would you do if i won the lottery?

    Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

  • Why is she so loud?

    Wife: That's how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

  • Why did u shoot your wife ?

    Judge:why did u shoot your wife instead of shootingher lover? Sardar:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

  • What do you call it when your wife brings you rice porridge in prison?

    Congee-gal visit

  • What did the husband say to his wife when he tried pushing it in as much as he could, but it still wouldn't fit?

    He said "I'm going to try on a different shoe size."

  • Why did the geologist get divorced?

    He took his wife for granite.

  • What's the difference between a paycheck and a D**k?

    You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

  • What are these?

    Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.

  • Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?

    God: Uh huge grin cos I'm banging his wife raises hand up top

  • Why couldn't Muhammad pick his wife up from childcare?

    Because Muslim girls can't go to school

  • Who r they 2 stop u?

    Boy: My wife & 2 kids.

  • Why did the Mexican throw his wife over the cliff?


  • What did the peanut say to his wife before he left?

    I'll be back in a jiffy

  • Who did Alaska vote for?

    Berrrnie Sanders H/T: wife

  • Why did the Sheikh cross the road?

    To get to the other wife.

  • What did the Challenger Austronaut day to his wife before he left?

    You feed the kids, I'll feed the fishes."

  • What did Bob Marley say to his wife after he opened the fridge?

    No, Woman, no pie."

  • What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?

    HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!

  • What u doing later?

    Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

  • What can I get for you?

    Me: Steak, please. W: How would you like that cooked M: By anyone other than my wife

  • What's the difference between my erection and my motorcycle?

    My wife actually looks forward to riding the motorcycle.

  • Why didn't the Asian man cry when his wife died?

    Because he just couldn't bereave it.

  • How did Mr Cheese paint his wife?

    He Double Gloucester.

  • What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?


  • What did the duck do after he lost his wife, his job, and his house?

    He became a quack head

  • What do you do when your wife is blocking view of the TV?

    Go to the kitchen and shorten her chain.

  • Where are the groceries?

    ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

  • What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants?

    Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!"

  • What do you call a chicken with no neck?

    A Hic. ----- wife hit me with this one today. Remove the n. E. C. And k. From chicken and it spells hic. I'm sorry Reddit.

  • What did my wife say to me?

    I want a divorce

  • Which ones?

    Wife: BLTOUR & E Me: Well, that could spell trouble

  • Why did Lot leave his wife?

    She became salty.

  • Who has more money than God?

    His Ex-Wife.

  • What happened when the husband tried to deep fry his wife?

    She went to the battered women's shelter

  • Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

    Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

  • Why did the Mexican push his wife off the bridge?


  • What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

    A: surname

  • What's the difference between a deaf person and my wife?

    I don't know.

  • How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?

    Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.

  • What makes a grown man cry?

    Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.

  • Why do sailors give their wives a bouqet of ropes instead of flowers?

    It's a bouqet of forget-me-knots.

  • What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist?

    You can negotiate with a terrorist.

  • Whats the emergency?

    My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking

  • What's dad's best one-liner?

    My wife."

  • Why are gifts in airports so expensive?

    God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

  • What did Patrick Stewart say when he proposed to his wife?


  • What's the problem?

    Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me petting a bee: You're not strange are you Alan

  • What did the bee say to his wife?

    No on knows. It's a Mister Bee.

  • What does a fire, flood, earthquake, tornado, hurricane, and a wife have in common?

    Sooner or later, one of them is probably going to get your house.

  • What gets bigger every time I see my wife?

    My wife.

  • What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

    Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride. Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of women's perfume all over you, meeting your wife at the door and stating, "You're next, chubby."

  • What is 10 years with me?

    Wife:What is 10 years with me Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second

  • Why did Jose push his wife off the cliff?


  • What's the problem when your wife walks out of the kitchen?

    The chain is too long.

  • What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say Girlfriend: Are you done already?

    Mistress: Are you done yet Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...

  • Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?

    Because he thought his wife was a flake.

  • What's the difference between this morning and your wife?

    I'm not coming in *this morning*"

  • What belongs to me but is used the most by others?

    My ex-wife