Win Jokes
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Which three American Generals won the most during the cold war?
General Motors, General Electric, and General Dynamics.
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What Happens when the Cubs win the World Series?
They Leave a Trail of Tears
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Why did the unicycle win the race?
Because the bicycle was two tired.
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What body part never seems to win?
The feet.
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Who would win in a fight, Michael J. Fox or Taylor Swift?
Michael J. Fox he would just shake it off.
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Why was 9 mad at 0 after winning a game of bingo?
Because 0 1 2
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Why do the ghosts never win races?
Because they're always dead tired. I stole this from plain and simple. Just straight up stole it. Why? Because it made me laugh and I didn't see it posted here before.
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What is a misogynist?
A misogynist is anyone winning an argument with a feminist.
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What would you do if i won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave. Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.
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How is November's election like the Alien vs Predator movie?
Whoever wins...we lose.
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Who would win a fight between an octopus and a shark?
The octopus because it is well armed.
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What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?
Turn off their console and go to sleep.
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Who do you see winning the presidency in 4 years?
I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
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What colour T-shirt would win a race?
Red, because it runs the most.
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Why can't Bernie Sanders win the election?
Because 12 year olds can't vote. Edit: I'm actually somewhat of a Bernie supporter, I'm just joking about how he has a lot of youth backing him.
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Why did the Kenyans win the marathon?
They heard there was water at the end
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How would America win gold medals in shooting for the Olympics?
They take their prison population and school population to Rio.
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Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his little sister.
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What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics?
Walking
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Why do 2 bit gamblers never win at blackjack ?
Because they can only count to 3.
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Whose excercises will ensure that you will never win a fitness award?
Leonardo Di Cardio
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What do cubs fans do after they win the world series?
They turn off their Xbox.
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How do you congratulate a fighter after winning a match?
Good jab.
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What did the Australian say when he won a game of chess?
Cheers, mate.
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Why did the farmer win the Nobel Prize?
There was a clerical error. The award was intended to go to Malala Yousafzai for her advocacy work for education for young girls.
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What lottery did the broom win?
The sweepstakes.
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What do you call a bear that can't win?
A Chicago Bear
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How much did the Cubs pay the devil to win the World Series?
2016
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Why'd the farmer win the lifetime achievement award?
Because he was always out standing in his field.
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What's better than winning the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
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Why do Australians always win 4D chess?
Double check, mate
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Whats the problem with tainted money?
It taint yours and it taint mine :D (Puns for the win :D)
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Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone cut off?
Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!
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Who won the international race?
It was a Thai.
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Why did the skull win 1st place in the race?
Because he ran ahead.
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How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas?
By spending a large fortune.
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Why can a penguin never win Best Actor?
Because it is part black.
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What do terrorists and the England football team have in common?
They will never win
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What did Helen Keller say when she won the lottery?
uunnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg!
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What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl?
Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.
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Why did Eli Manning didn't react to the Broncos winning the Superbowl?
Because the fine bros would sue.
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Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.
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Why did Toronto host the (hockey) World Junior Championships?
They wanted to see what a winning team looked like.
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What did the monkey say when he was on a winning streak?
I've banana roll lately.
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How does a Confederate flag and a rainbow flag differ?
The latter represents people that win.
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Why couldn't Hillary win the election?
Women only win .7 votes for every one a man wins.
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What would u do if u won the lotto?
10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u. 11yo: I'd buy a monkey. Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.
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Why did a scientist disconnect his doorbell?
because he wanted to win the No-bell prize!! Sorry, I ll walk out
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Why didn’t the orange win the race?
It ran out of juice.
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What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA Championship?
He turns off his Xbox.
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What sound did the slot machine make when the Chinese person won the jackpot?
Cha-chink!
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Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me 5: Me: Get some coffee
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What's better than winning gold at the special Olympics?
Walking
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Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?
Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.
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What's worse than the Holocaust?
Winning the jackpot in two separate lotteries at the same time.
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What is better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics?
Having two legs
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Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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Why does the Pope always win at chess?
He has so many Bishops!
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Why couldn't the headless horseman win the race?
He couldn't get a head.
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How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end?
It was won by a hare!
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Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena?
I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.
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Why hasn't Mexico won any medals in the Olympics?
Because all the Mexicans who can swim well, jump high and run fast are in the United States.
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What did the electrical engineer do when she found out that she hadn't won the lottery?
She soldered on.
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How did the aquarium win the battle?
Giant Fish Tanks.
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Why did the former fitter turned baker enter the lottery?
To win dough.
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Who would win in a fight between John Cena and Chuck Norris?
Depends on who wrote the script.
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What would you do if you won the lottery?
Two friends meet together and one asks: What would you do if you won the lottery? -I would build a brothel! Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money? -I'd open it to the public
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Who won the race?
Society.
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Why did the lawyer with a torn ACL still win the marathon?
OC) Because he had the power of a torn knee
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What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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What do you call it when a Cat wins a Dogshow?
Cat-has-trophy. Such punny. Much Cringe.
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What's a metaphor?
Winning the game tournament!
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What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup (Soccer)?
Turn off the Playstation.
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What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!
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How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest?
She was the beast of the show!
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What do the NBA and the presidential election have in common?
There's only two candidates, and nobody wants either of them to win!
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What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
He turns off the PlayStation.
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Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games?
Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.
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Who will win?
When two of the most populated countries clash which race will rise?
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Where did you get that?
The pig replies, "I won her in a raffle."
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Why does Bernie know he'll win the elections?
Because his good friend Nostradamus told him he would.
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What did the man get for winning the muscle relaxing contest?
Atrophy!
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Who wins the election?
America.
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What does Jerry Jones do after winning the Super Bowl?
Gives the X Box back to grandkids
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Why do felines always win board games?
Because they are cheetahs.
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What do you call a show about The Donald winning the presidency?
Orange is the New Black
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Why does Mitt Romney never win at Jenga?
Because he takes too much from the bottom and middle and gives it to the top.
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Why do Kenyans always win marathons?
At the end, they get a bag of chips and a Coke. -My dad told me this joke when we went to a race-
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Where the hell did you get?
the barkeep asks. "I won it, playing cards", says the pig.
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Why would Superman have won any race he ran against Roy Roger's dog?
Because he was faster than a speeding Bullet ...
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Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?
Because it's a catastrophe :-) Yeah, ok, I'll be going now. EDIT: removed explanation.
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What's the difference between Shea Stadium and Sloan-Kettering?
At Sloan-Kettering the Mets always win.
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Why was Harry Potter surprised when Ferrari won the F1 race?
Because he expecto'd Petronas.
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Why did the hick move to a toxic waste dump after winning the lottery?
They heard it was a Superfund site.
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What's better than winning the Paralympics?
A: Having legs!
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Why can no one win at the Bangkok Olympics ?
Because it's always a THAI game.
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Why has Mexico never won olympic gold?
All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.
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What's better than winning a gold medal in the quadriplegic (crippled) Olympics?
Walking.
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Why do composers win debates?
Because when their opponent makes a point, they always respond with a valid counterpoint.
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What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?
Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.
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Why did the scientist take off his doorbell?
because he wanted to win the "Nobel" prize!
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Who's winning Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game. "What's the score Gramps?
92 to 86." "Who's winning " I asked. "92"
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Who has more testicles?
contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
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What's your emergency?
Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
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Whats better than winning gold at the paralympics?
Having legs.....
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Why can't Mexico field a winning Olympic team?
Because everyone that can run, jump or swim is in the US.
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How did the OBGYN win the election?
He was able to stirrup some controversy about his opponent with his effective smear campaign.
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Why is it bad that Peyton Manning shilled for Budweiser?
Because he clearly owed the win to Miller.
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What do people say when you win a game in Egypt?
Game, *Set,* and match.
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Why did the scare crow win the award?
He was out standing in his field. This has Always been my favourite pun.
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What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells?
I WON this belt buckle, I OWN that truck, and I swear to God I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
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Why won't anti vaxers ever win an election?
All their supporters are home with sick kids
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What does Shrek say when he wins a game of chess?
Shrekmate.
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How do you win an election?
By having people believe that you've won an election.
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What do you call an alligator that wins a race?
A chompion. (7-year old me thought he was very clever.)
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Who would win in a race?
The Tortoise or the Reddit Servers
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How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal?
handsfree
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Whats better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
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Why can't Canada win wars?
Because they'll blow you up and then apologize.
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What do you get when you win the laziest man in the world contest?
Atrophy.
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Why is it good that the Vietnamese man won first place?
It's a Nguyen-win situation.
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Why can't Sweden win a race?
Because, it always sits right behind the Finnish line
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Why doesn't Mexico ever win any medals in the Olympics?
Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already crossed the border.
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Why can't a policeman win a game of pool?
Because he always shoots the black one first.
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How do you win a Scandinavian race?
By crossing the Finnish line!
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What does a Bills fan do when they win the superbowl?
He turns off his xbox.
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How does Greenland win a war?
Nuuks.
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What's better than winning the wheel chair basketball championship?
Having legs...
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What did Charlie Sheen say when he won the Tour de France?
Schwinning!
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Why did the French have so many civil wars?
So they could win one.
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What do Philadelphia Eagles fans do after they win the superbowl?
Turn of madden and go to bed. (I'm an eagles fan)
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Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match?
Because they rain supreme.
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Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it Joe: Three a policeman the owner of the watch and me!!
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Who would win in a fight...your mom or your dad?
From the looks of it, your dad won
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How did the shellfish win the underwater beauty pageant?
Using saxitoxin.
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Why can't Mexicans win the Olympics?
Because every one that can run, jump or swim has already crossed the border.
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What the hell was that?
What the hell was that What the hell was that " (Winning Scriptwriter Submission for Ghost Hunters)
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What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being
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What's the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino- wife: That didn't involve a dinosaur me: Our wedding
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How many martial artists does it taek to change a lightbulb?
It only taek won do change a lightbulb.
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Who always wins at musical chairs?
Rosa Parks
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Who is guaranteed to win?
Society.
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Why didn't the bear from the revenant win the Oscar?
Because it would've torn Leo up to receive another Oscar loss
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Who would win a football game between the 1989 Raiders and a team full of U2 lead singers?
Bonos.
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Who won the 1940 Tour De France?
The 7th Panzer division
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What do the Irish do after winning the world cup?
They proceed to Chapter 9: The Dark Mark
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How do you congratulate the guy who won the best tie contest?
You tell him... "that's definitely a win sir". Or if he did ok you can say you half win sir i suppose. :/
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How does a snail win a race?
It runs against Hillary.
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What do Dallas Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?
They turn off their XBOX and go to bed!
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Who won?
One two three' cat, because 'Un deux trois' cat sank.
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How do you interrupt a Redditor's winning streak?
The Game
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What happens when your favorite team wins the World Cup?
You turn off your playstation.
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Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?
The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.
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What happens when a blonde wins a gold medal at the Olympics?
She has it bronzed.
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Why are all those people running?
A: Why are all those people running B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup B: The person who wins. A: Then why are all the others running
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How did I win a Super Smash Bros. Brawl Tournament?
I met a knight
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Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?
I replied.
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How the hell did Caitlyn Jenner win women of the year?
She hasnt even been a women for a year yet.
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Which art piece won the Texas Muhammad cartoon contest?
Two chalk outlines.
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What's the difference between fighting on the internet and participating in the paralympics?
None, even if you win, you're still retarded.
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Why does Mexico rarely wins medals at the olympic games?
All the ones who can run/swim/jump already made it to America.
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What's the difference between a football match and a referendum?
In a football match, the best team wins.
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What does a traffic cop do when he wins some money?
Buys an intersection for a private business work.
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What happened when the Ape won the door prize?
He didn't take it - he already had a door!
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Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied!
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What's your best mattress joke?
Trying to win a new mattress in a contest and I need a clean mattress joke to win (dumb, I know)
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Who won the first Tour de France?
The Panzer SS 1st Division
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What did you win?
Atrophy
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What do you call girls that have a chance of winning?
Chicken Tenders.
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Why did the palm tree win the plant race?
It was the first to Sago.
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What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
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Which one of the ten men won the pun contest?
No pun in ten did!
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Who would win?
everyone
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What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer?
An attornity.
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Who won the animal race?
The giraffe and the aardvark were running neck and neck but the aardvark won by a nose!
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Why does Cinderella never win the Olympics?
She has a pumpkin for a coach and runs away from the ball.
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Why can't a vegetable win an argument?
Cuz he always uses a straw, man!
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What did the Japan team say after the first half of the Women's World Cup?
I, 4-1, know we won't win."
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Who would win in a fight between Muhammad Ali and Stephen Hawking?
Parkinson's
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Why has /r/jokes won an environmental award?
Everything gets recycled.
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Why doesn't Mexico win Olympic Medals?
Because all their best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.
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What's better than winning a silver medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded
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How did Link win the basketball game for his team?
He used the Hookshot!
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Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?
Because Africa isn't a country.
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Who won the Monster Beauty Contest?
No one.
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Why is religion like mobile gaming?
Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.
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What do Leonardo Dicaprio Babe Ruth have in common?
They both won when neither of them were competing against black people!
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Who won the Tour de France in 1940?
the Sixth German Panzer Division
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Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the No Bell Prize.
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What did Orion receive when he won second place in the archery contest?
The constellation prize.
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Whats better than winning silver at the paralympics?
Not being a cripple.
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Why are dogs bad at poker?
Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand. Why did John's dog win the poker tournament Because he's a Doberman.
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How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
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When do you REALLY know you need to break up with you GF?
When she starts winning arguments with you inner-voice.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
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How did the Canadian win the hockey game?
He took stEHreroids
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Why do artists never win when they play football ?
They keep drawing !
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What do Leonardo DiCaprio & anyone who buys a Powerball ticket have in common?
Their odds of winning are the same
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
For being out standing in his field.
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Whats better than winning a medal at the paralympics?
A pair of legs.
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Who wins in a fight: Goku or Superman?
Wrong, Batman always wins. Yes, I do have the sense of humor of a 5 year old.
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How did the group of 4 dogs win the golf tournament?
They combined for 16 paws.
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Who wins?
Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides.
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Why did Minotaur win an interior design award?
Because his home was a maze thing.
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What does a Maple Leads fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?
He turns off his Xbox and goes back to bed.
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What's better than winning a Silver Medal at the Paralympics?
Not being disabled.
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Why are pilots so honest?
Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. "We're delayed because we're winning a safety award."
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How to win an argument with a deaf girl?
Turn off the lights.
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How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker?
She goes to the bathroom.
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What's better than winning a silver in the paralympics?
Being able to walk.
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What do you call a Snorlax that wants to win a race?
A cab.
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What is a bigot?
A bigot is anyone winning an argument with a liberal.
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Who wins between a black guy and a fencing champion?
Black guy, because nword is mightier than sword.
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What does a Bears fan do when his team wins the Superbowl?
He turns off his Xbox, and goes to bed.
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Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?
Because he will always fold.
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Who would win a fight between a taco and a hotdog?
so I punched him in the head.
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Why couldn't Germany win a world war?
Because they'd Russia lot
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What was the name of the heaviest man in china?
Won ton
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Who'd win in a wresting match?
Lemmy or God " "Trick question. Lemmy IS God."-Air Heads RIP Lemmy.
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Why did the Seahawks win the 2015 NFC Championship game against the Packers?
Because even Aaron Rodgers is a 12!
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Why can't America ever win a chess tournament?
Because they're missing two towers
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What's better than winning the Paralympic gold medal?
Not being in the Paralympics
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Why did Germany win so many battles in WW I?
They had baron.
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What's the hardest part about winning crossfit?
Being 5 foot 6
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Who always wins the insect election?
The lesser of two weevils.
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Why has the pope never won a gold medal?
Because he always came in a little behind.
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Why won't Bernie Sanders win the rational election?
Because he's two radical.
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What do you call an aardvark that's just won a fight?
A well 'aardvark!
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Who won the Battle of the Bulge?
The guy with the bulge in his sock ...
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What is the Revenant about?
The unbearable lengths one man will go to get his revenge and win an Oscar.
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How do you win a late night argument with your deaf wife?
You turn off the lights.
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Why do the French have so many civil wars?
So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)
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What has four legs and goes meow?
A crocodile. -You won !"
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Why did the mayonnaise win the running race?
Because the tomato sauce couldn't Ketchup.
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Why did the ambulance show up to a tennis match between Number 8 and Number 9?
The umpire called it: nine won one.
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Who would win in a fight?
A bicycle wheel or an old book Well, it's hard to say. One's pumped and the other's ripped.
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What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
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Why does China hate Digimon Fans?
Because they recognise Ty won
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What's the only thing better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded
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What do you call a penguin that can't win?
A peng-lose!
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Who would won in a wrestling match?
Lemmy or God? Trick question, lemmy is god... R.I.P. Edit* win not won damnit...
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How do you win the vegetable race?
You need to get ahead of lettuce
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What did Matthew McConaughey say to DiCaprio about his chances of winning the Oscars this year?
It's a fugazi.
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Why did the Greenlander get so angry when he didn't win the lottery?
Because he was inuit to win it
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What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?
Having a pair of legs...... I know, I know, I'm going to hell
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What could have been the most stuppidest result of Napolleonic wars if France won?
Tsar Napoleon.
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Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?
Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim already left.