Word Jokes
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What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words Him: Can you say more Me: More Him: Me: I'm also good at directions
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What word in the dictionary is always spelled wrong?
Wrong.
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When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress?
I'd prefer if you included tigress
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What's a word that starts with "N" that you don't want to call a black person?
Neighbor
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Why do we need to be learned English?
Hmm.. Couldn't have worded that better myself, Luke"
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Why are people still using a dictionary?
I just type the words into Google and see if it corrects me.
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Why was 4 afraid of 5?
Because 5 was a Registered Six Offender. Edit: a word.
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What's the word that starts with an "N" that no one wants to call a black person?
Neighbor.
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What word starts with N and ends with R and you never want to call a black guy?
Neighbor
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What's another word for slaughterhouse?
Lumbar mill.
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Why do American's take letters out of words?
Because they're lazy, and they hate U.
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What do you call a hurtful play on words?
A Punjab.
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Which word is the longest in the English language?
Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
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What is the only word that a redneck will capitalise?
Punishment.
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Why do power lines hum?
Because they don't know the words.
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What were the Crocodile Hunters last words?
You Irwin some you Irlose some" Then he dieded.
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Why do guitar amps hum?
Because they don't know the words.
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What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?
A: FIRETRUCK.
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How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?
They don't know the words.
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What are the first words Jared Fogle's girlfriend said to him?
Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies, sir?"
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What body of water separates Italy from the word 'goodbye'?
River Derci. Sorry.
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Why is the word "smiles" the longest word in English?
Because there is a mile separating the two s'es.
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How do you describe every gf in one word?
K
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How do you get out of a Russian prison?
You have Vladmir Putin a word for you.
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What is another word for Pokmon?
A Rastafarian Proctologist
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How many amateur masochists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one; But it takes a WHOLE E.R. room to extract it afterwards. Double joke! "whole... hole." it's a play on words ;)
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What word starts with "n" and you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor
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What did the Israeli Prime Minister who can't say the word "and" say about candy that caused such a hubbub?
Mike Ike's are my least favorite.
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Why would they add "twerk" to the dictionary?
People that would use said word can't read.
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What do you call a dwarf without a mouth?
Short for words.
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What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?
A: Miscarriage This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
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What word begins with "N" and ends in "R" that I wouldn't want to call a black guy?
Neighbor.
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How do you describe Catwoman in one word?
Purrfect
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What's a orphans first words?
I don't know. But it sure as hell isn't mommy or daddy.
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What's another word for cinnamon?
Synonym.
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Why did the librarian hush the mime?
Because actions speak louder than words.
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What's the difference between a pun and a copy of Cliff's Notes?
A pun is a play on words, while Cliff's notes are a word on plays
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What is the best way for a pet shop to get business?
Word of mouse.
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Why can't you see a transgender who's a dad?
Because he's a transparent. Apologies if I could've worded it different.
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Who's there ! Aladdin ! Aladdin who ?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you !
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What does a rapper use to write their songs?
Word,yo.
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What's the fastest way to ruin free pie?
Put the word 'gluten' at the beginning
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How many vowels are in the word 'vowel'?
Four. O, double-u and e.
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What's Justin Timberlake's favourite Microsoft Word alignment?
Justified. (NB Sincerely hoping that this is actually original)
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What is Zack Morris's favorite type of word?
A Preppysition
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What's the sharpest thing in the word?
A fart. It goes right through your pants and doesn't leave a hole.
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Why do you keep changing a word into something that makes no sense ?
You are the banner of my existence.
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What word starts with M and ends in arraige and is a man's favourite thing?
Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
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What word starts with F and ends with UCK?
Firetruck
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What word that begins with "N" and ends with "R" do you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor
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What's the plural form of the word "anecdote"?
Data
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What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
A: "Nobody's perfect!"
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What do you call a Psychic Compromise?
A Happy Medium. Sorry, a played around with the wording of this a lot and couldn't find anything better. Please suggest a better phrasing.
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What did the answering machine say to the telephone?
Take my word for it.
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Whats the word im looking for?
You're part of a three-man space crew orbiting Earth. You can ONLY relay one, one word message in 2 seconds. Whats the word
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What word starts with F and ends in uck?
Firetruck. The answer is Firetruck.
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What's the magic word?
Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off
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What is the only word in an English dictionary spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly is the only word spelled I n c o r r e c t l y
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What do you call a word with two W's and one K?
Awkward.
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What has one "n", two "g"s, an "i", "e", and an "r" and you can only say this word when you belong to this group?
ginger
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What's another word for knowing that you're right?
Woman
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What do they say about a rapper who stole a dictionary?
He got a way with words.
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How is this joke similar to a musical about a thesaurus?
Both are a play on words.
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Why did the gynecologist get taken in for questioning?
He smelled a little fishy. Edit: a word.
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Why don't the Germans care about the word, 'nichts'?
It means nothing to them.
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What's another word for Italian cologne?
Garlic
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What thought can you easily share with someone else without using words?
That you to fart.
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What were the last words Jimi Hendrix said before he died?
S'cuse me, while I kiss the sky...*
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How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them BOSS: What do you mean ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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What word allows you to take away two letters and get one?
Stone.
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What word has the most letters in it?
Postbox.
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Why did the punster enjoy the Broadway show about etymology?
Because it was a play on words.
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What word is always spelled wrong?
Wrong
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What's another word for a face tattoo?
An everlasting jobstopper.
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What word is always spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly. I'll see myself out.
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What are the three words you dread the most while making love?
Honey, I'm home."
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What do you call a guy who can't get a word in edgewise during an argument?
A "moderator", apparently.
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Why should you never get into an argument with a dictionary?
Because they'll always have the last word.
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What are the two words men hate most unless used together?
Don't Stop
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What is another word for a rap battle?
Black-on-black rhyme
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How good are you at PowerPoint?
I said, "I Excel at it." He replied, "Was that a Microsoft Office pun " I was like, "Word."
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What's the problem with your marriage?
WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise
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What three words will emasculate any man?
A: Hold my purse.
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Whats a word that white people can call white people but black people cannot call black people?
Dad.
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What word starts with N and ends with R and you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor
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What word starts with N, ends with R, and you never wanna call a black guy?
Neighour
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Do you know what the word 'was' was initially?
Before was was was was was is.
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Ever wondered why bees hum?
It's because they don't know the words.
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How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting?
Talk in your sleep.
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What is another word for Pokemon?
A Rastafarian Proctologist
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How do you tell the difference between a physicist and a plumber?
Ask them to say the word 'unionized'.
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Why is it so hard to pronounce words in Welsh?
It is the language of Wales.
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What is another word for children who haven't learned how to do math?
yesallwomen
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Where did Santa meet his wife?
Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses
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What two words contain the most letters?
A: Post office.
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What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary?
Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember. Edit: Wording clarified (Thanks to therinnovator).
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Why do the French not pronounce "h" at the beginning of words?
Because they hate it.
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How do you say the word "peanuts" *without* the letter "t"?
Think about it.
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What two words have thousands of letters in them?
Post office.
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How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic?
Cash or Czech Edit: a word
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Why did the very religious man not say a word while he was fasting?
He was afraid that he would swallow his words.
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What dinosaur knows the most words?
Thesaurus. :/
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What is atheism?
A non-prophet religion Edit: Replace the word "religion" with "set of beliefs" if you're picky about that sort of thing
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Why does America spell some words differently?
They said "We can do it without u, Britain."
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What's a word that no matter how much you spelled it, it always wrong?
Wrong, the word is wrong
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Why aren't puns called pows?
It is a play on words, after all
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Which dinosaur knew... Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?
A: The thesaurus.
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How soon?
the frail man asked, his body trembling at every word. "In ten." "Ten what Ten years Ten-" "Nine." "Eight."
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What jokes do you know that can only be understood if you know two (or more) languages?
Like a joke that involves a pun on a word that has different meanings in different languages. Please tell us what languages they are in.
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How many syllables does the word "Gloria" have?
CATHOLICS: 18
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Why are ghosts always just moaning?
Did your manners die too Use your words!
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What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A: Play ball.
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How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: a word
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What's another word for double-dating?
consolidating
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What two words result in the most marriages?
Screw it. EDIT: has a better answer lol
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How are men like television commercials?
A. You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 30 seconds.
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What is a punny play?
A play on words.
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Where'd he go?
and the angel said, "He's at IHOP for never-ending pancakes" and they were like, "Word."
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What is another word for a python ?
A mega-bite !
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What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?
Neither of us know the words to any of her songs
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How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to say the word, "unionized".
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What's a word that starts with "u" and ends with "w"?
Cloning.
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What do you call a show about puns?
A play on words.
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Why don't black people listen to country music?
Every time the hear the word hoedown they think their sister's been shot.
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How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?
Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".
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Why do Retirees smile all the time?
Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
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Why won't people know when you replace words with instruments?
Idk, accordion to research I guess.
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How do you describe a hierarchy of police officers with only one word?
Police police police police police police police police police police police.
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What are the four words that you least want to hear, after having blown Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson."
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Why do happy people like to sleep in late?
Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.
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What can you add to any food to make it taste better?
The word "free"
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What's the word for interested in something, but not enough to look it up on Wikipedia?
That.
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Who's there ! Armenia ! Armenia who ?
Armenia every word I say !
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What two words have the most letters?
Post office.
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What do you can an epileptic What do you call an epileptic in a garden?
Seizure salad. edit: fixed the word 'call'
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How many amateur masochists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one; But it takes a WHOLE E.R. room to extract it afterwards. Double joke! "whole... hole." it's a play on words ;)
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When a programmer is born, what are their first words?
Hello world!"
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Why do bees hum ?
Because they've forgotten the words !
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Why use words you don't understand in your tweets?
It just makes you look photosynthesis.
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What do rappers use to write their lyrics?
Word,yo.
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What's the opposite of the word uncle-off-her?
It's an aunt- -him.
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How many words does it take to start a car?
Forwards
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What's the good word?
Legs. Spread the word.
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Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they don't know the words.
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How can the National Anthem be racist if?
The first words are, " Jose can you see "
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What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement?
Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part
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What's another word for "thesaurus"?
Steven Wright joke, iirc.
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How do you take the letter "F" out of the word "WAY" ?
There is no F in way.