Work Jokes
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What does a witch use to see if her spells are going to work?
Spell check!
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Why did the corn maze go back to school?
It was tired of working in a dead end field.
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How do you greet a Rastafarian who's out of work?
jahbless
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How many emojis will she use?
Show your work.
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Why did the personal trainer break up with his girlfriend?
She just wasn't working out.
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Why are mirror makers proud of what they do?
Their work is a reflection of themselves.
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Why is Tylenol white?
Because it works
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Why were Democrats in the lead early on?
Republicans weren't off of work yet.
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Why don't babies work?
Because they're all out of cervix
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What do you think Michael Hastings was working on before he died?
slowing down his car. ... ... shoutout to for this one.
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Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa?
Because it can't be taken on empty stomach
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Why is Reddit full of liberals?
All the conservatives are out working.
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How many Mexicans do you need working in the kitchen?
Just Juan.
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How did the mathematician solve his constipation problems?
The same way he solved all other problems: He worked it out with a pencil and paper.
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Why don't the post office get the Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday?
Work smarter not harder people.
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Why is Facebook such a hit?
It works on the principle that People are more interested in others life than their own'.
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Why do people love working at yogurt factories?
Because of the culture!
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A grocery store cashier asked if I would like my milk in a bag.
I told her 'No, thanks. The carton works fine.'
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How does JokeExplainBot work?
Having all that trivial information must be a big distraction...
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How does a conceptual artist change a light bulb?
He calls it a work of art.
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Who does the butcher look forward to seeing after a tough day at work?
His loving knife.
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How do you work the Dragon Balls?
Nail: Did you work the shaft
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Why did the girl who worked for the telephone company sing all the time?
Because she was an operetta (operator).
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Why do credit cards not work in France?
They don't understand the concept of charging.
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What do you call an Egyptian doctor who works on peoples backs?
A Cairopractor!
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Why is glue white?
If it were black it would run. It just wouldn't work.
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What's the reason my shower isn't working?
You have only one second to guess the answer. No pressure.
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Why are pills white instead of black?
Because you want them to work don't you
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How about the early worm?
How'd that work out for him
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Where do Chinese people find work?
On ChinkedIn of course. (I know the pun is racist but I had to share. Sorry.)
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How Can Athiests Make Money and Get Free Food?
By working at an abortion clinic.
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Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
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What did the magician say to the aerial student?
I work on a different plane
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What does an attorney wear to work?
A: A law suit.
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Why was the egg late for work?
It ova slept.
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How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
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Why do you see so many Bernie Posts on r/all?
Because supporters of other candidates are out working or voting.
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What do Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers and James Corden all have in common?
Minority Bandleaders. Who says affermative action doesn't work.
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Why did the cookie get fired from his job?
He came to work baked.
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What do you want to work on today?
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet
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How many Gordon Ramseys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, he lets the knives do the work
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Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died?
He just needed a little bit of Clojure.
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What Is Bluetooth ?
When your toothbrush stops working mid brushing
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What do you call a lizard that doesn't work?
A reptile dysfunction.
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What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine?
An immigrant.**
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What is a Muslim who works at Starbucks called?
A Terrista
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How does the Asian chef get to work?
He woks.
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What do you do if your lawnmower stops working?
Deport him back to Mexico
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Why did you leave your last job?
I had a typo in a tweet. "Mistakes happen!" -I worked for Yahoo Finance. "Thanks for coming in. Bye"
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What do fish talk about at work?
Current events
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What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer?
Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...
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How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?
A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.
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What song does a dwarf pimp sing?
high ho's, high ho's, it's off to work I go
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What is it called when the police work overtime?
Copper Nitrate.
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How did it work ?
We haven't spoken for five years".
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Why did the surgeon refuse to dress for work?
He didn't want no scrubs
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What do you call iron man and silver surfer when they work together?
Alloys.
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How many people from the future does it take to change a light bulb?
The lightbulb works fine...
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How are black people like Christmas lights?
Half of them don't work and the ones that do aren't that bright
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What were the 2 doctors who worked with Schrodinger called?
A *paradox.*
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What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening?
Have a nice bite!
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What do you call a reptile that works as a detective?
An investigator.
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Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?
Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.
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Why do aspirins work?
Because they're white.
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What works better than anti-depressants?
A 12 Gauge in the mouth This came to me whilst being all depressed.
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Whats the similarities between black people and bikes?
Both cant work without chains.
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What drug does the lord use to get work done?
God speed.
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Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
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What did the raisin see when she came home early from work?
Her husband on a date.
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Why doesn't communism work in a school enviroment?
Because everyone would get the same Marx.
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How do you make black people break out into song?
Put em' to work!... On a gospel record.
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Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk?
A: He wanted to work overtime.
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Why do Communist Dictators have trouble getting their work done on time?
They're way too into Stalin
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What do you call four Mexicans working in a restroom?
Cuatro Sinko
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Why did Blitzkrieg work so well in France?
Because lightning always follows the path of least resistance
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Why do teenagers want to work for Intel?
Core i3, i5, i7... ican't even! Edited from: >They can't even
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Why are you pushing garlic into the computer's disk drive?
Pupil: To keep vampires off the Internet Teacher: But there aren't any vampires on the Internet Pupil: See It works doesn't it
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How is working in I.T. like being a wizard?
You command vast powers beyond the scope of smaller minds, but to them all you do is wiggle your fingers and stuff just happens.
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How does a mathematician get to work?
He derives!
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How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?
This is a joke I came up with. Q: How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb? A: There's no need to change it when you can easily convince everyone that it still works, but they've gone blind.
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Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts?
Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.
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Why are there no Puerto Rican's in Star Trek?
They won't work in the future either.
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Why are bodybuilders the best the best partners?
Because with them it always works out.
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Why do laxatives always say 'Works gently, overnight'?
What if I want something that works violently right now "
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Why can't John complete a workout?
He tried, but it didn't work out.
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Why don't many buddhists work in the railroad industry?
they have too many ohms to be good conductors.
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What's similar between communists and communism?
Neither work.
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What do you call a boat whose captain has no idea what he's doing and works for free?
The Internship
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What would be the best color to make a joke about?
I was thinking black, but I'm not sure it would work?
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What does a pirate's beard feel like?
Corsair. (works better in a pirate accent)
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Why was the man intently watching the bowl of snickers?
He wanted to see who would have the last laugh. back to work...
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What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
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Who reads the news AND makes coffee?
Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)
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Why couldn't the physicists change the lightbulb?
Too much work.
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Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?
Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job "ok" Number 7 will shock you "You're hired"
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Whopper at BK You hear BK is now selling a black whopper?
They are already cancelling it because it will never work and everyone wants it for free ...... lmao
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Why did the otter want to work at NASA?
So he could go to Otter Space.
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What does a chef and a gravitational wave astronomer have in common?
They both work in gastronomy
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Why are the best accountants twins from Prague?
Because they always double Czech their work!
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Why is working at Amazon warehouse like being a coke addict?
You spend 10 hours a day doing nothing but clearing lines.
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Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
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What do you call a sister who works for you?
Nun of your business.
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What do you say when your GIF doesn't work?
You get the picture.
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Why did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool. (Written anonymously in the bathroom at work, a pizza joint.)
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Why are you always rushing out of here after work?
You're single with no kids." Me: " Exactly."
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Why did the baker rob the deer park?
He kneaded the doe. (Doesn't work too well in text)
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What did the buffalo say to his boy before leaving for work?
Bye, son.
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What's the difference beetwen public official and private employee?
Private employee starts work checking email. Public official starts works making a coffee.
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What did the constipated mathematician do?
He worked it out with a pencil.
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What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when he's not spending enough time with her?
You're getting too wrapped up in your work!
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Why is Instagram not working?
but "Why does the world need another picture of you " #instagramnotworking
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Why does no one want to work in the yard with a carpenter?
Because they take a fence to that.
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What do you call a dad that works at a grocery store?
Baghdad
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Why did Miss Piggy call in sick to work?
Because she had a frog in her throat.
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What do you call someone who knows all?
Nostril-damus.   Works better if you read the joke out loud.
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Why are Gorillas underpaid?
They're willing to work peanuts!
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What's the best benefit of working for ISIS?
early retirement
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Which is the smallest profession? A mini cab driver or a micro biologist?
Neither. I have a friend who works in computers.
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What is the craziest/weirdest/most interesting/most unique/ uncommon phrase you've ever heard ?
I am working on a project, and its going to revolve around a phrase. I need it to be really out there, yet could be used in everyday life. But honestly just give me anything you got.
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What's the worst part about working with a gamer?
They're always trying to 1-Up you.
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Why didn't the Mexican guy at work take out the trash at work when I asked him?
He had -ity!
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What do you call a red-head that works at a bakery?
A ginger bread man.
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Whats black and isn't working?
Black lives matter.
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What do you call a utility knife that doesn't work?
A futility knife.
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What's the similarity between a match and a black person?
You have to strike them against a rough surface to get them to work.
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What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour?
Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick. I'll see myself out now.
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What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work?
Suture self!
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How long do chickens work ?
Around the cluck !
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Why don't U2's lawyers ever make any money?
All their work is pro Bono.
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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?
Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P
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What does the interrupting cow say?
HE SAYS MOO oh wait this joke totally doesn't work in text
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Why did the tricycle stop working?
Because it was two tired...
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What do you call a snake that works in the government?
A civil serpent
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What did the dwarf pimp say to his working girl?
Hi hoe, hi hoe. It's off to work you go!
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Where do Star Trek fans work out?
At the He's Dead Gym.
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What's the difference between magic and black magic?
Black magic doesn't work.
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Why do Pillows work?
Cause they're white
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Why did all the native people move out East?
Because there is no work out there.
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What kind of work out do parrots have on leg day?
SQUAAATS! ...Polly want a cracker.
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Why does a cow need a bell?
Because its horn doesn't work.
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Why black people can't be seen in black and white movies?
Becuase they're working in the mine.
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Why are elevator jokes so funny?
Because they work on so many levels
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How many RothChilds does it take to change a light bulb?
There still working on it...
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What's it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there's a race of people called customers. Now imagine you're a huge racist.
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job?
He couldn't see himself doing the work
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How many black guys does it take to do the work of one white guy?
It depends on how big his plantation is.
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Why couldn't the Mexican work a wrench?
I don't know. Torqu?
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How are the band "The Scorpions" and rural shepherds alike?
They just wanna be loved by ewe. Made up this joke/pun at work the other day (I'm sure I'm not the first), decided to subject you all to it. All apologies to shepherds who are not physical with your sheep.
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Where is Victoria working now?
In the kitchen.
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What is the main ingredient of a fractal fondue?
Mandel broth Ha ha ha The puns I make up while working as a grocery cashier..
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How is evolution and a Union construction job similar?
They take so long that some people don't believe they don't work.
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Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?
Because it was a mail dominated industry
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How many people work in the Lada factory?
Two. One to cut and one to glue
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How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.
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How do you know your S&?
M partner works in IT? They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.
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How do mathematicians deal with constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
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How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, but I bet we could pay them less than a group of men for the same amount of work.
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Why do cows have bells?
Because there horns don't work
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What do you call a seamstress who makes things up?
A *fabric*ator. It was a slow day at work...
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What's yellow and lies in a pond?
Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in english. What's yellow and lies in a pond? An excevator. You don't think this is funny? Neither does the operator.
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What happened to the NSFW warning on r/Jokes?
It stopped working like all those who got caught on reddit at work.
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Why didn't the rock make it to work today?
He was stoned
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Why didn't the math professor with a speech impediment get any work done?
He was always mathturbating.
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Why did the vampire miss work?
He was having a coffin fit!
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What do you call a bell which doesn't do it's work?
A rebell
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Why are elephants so poor?
Because they work for peanuts
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How was work?
flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said "abreast" me:Good
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What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?
When you ask the patients "what's the problem " They'll say "nothing"
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Why do people at work always laugh at my jokes?
Because they're paid to.
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What will you have, Sir?
Bacon my day, sonny!" Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works
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What do you call alternative medicine that works?
Medicine.
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Why do bakers work so hard?
Because they knead the dough.
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How does Jack Frost get to work?
By icicles
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Why did the book join the police?
He wanted to work undercover.
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What's the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
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Why are most rappers afraid of vending machines?
Because eminem's in there (Sorry, it works better when it's spoken)
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Who will I share the sunset with now?
sobs* Friend: Bad breakup Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.
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How many servers does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, it's not my side work.
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Why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend?
Because...bros before hose!
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Who did the baker bring to work?
His doughter.
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What is black, bitter and dont work worth a damn?
Decaf coffee.
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What do you call a panda who's legs don't work?
Pandapalegic
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What do you call mixing hard liquor into coffee?
Getting ready for work
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What's better than a gold medal at the Paralympics?
Working legs.
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Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
To make ends meat.
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What's your favourite animal joke?
I give tours at a zoo. Each tour goes for a couple of hours so it is good to engage the guests and make the tour a bit more fun. What is your favourite animal joke I can use at work?
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Who do you pat with encouragement when they fail to work?
A Remote control
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What do a communist and communism itself have in common?
Neither one works.
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What's the difference between one polar bear and 10 polar bears?
9 polar bears (joke on a mug at work. lame, ik)
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What did you do today?
Mum: Well, the builders that moved the garage came over and I paid them for their work done.
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What do you call a joke that only works written down instead of told orally?
A sic joke
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What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?
You punch her
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Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
So they can tell if they are going to work or going home while on the bus.
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Why didn't the feminist picnic work out?
because they all refused to make sandwiches.
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What happened to your car?
SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn't work. DAD: Well... SON: Don't- DAD: There's no going back now
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What do you call a poor photographer who works for a tabloid?
A Pauperazzi
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Why is Windows going from 8 to 10?
Because 7 ate 9. Credit to a guy I work with.
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How will it work?
Remains to be seen.
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What did the table fan say to his boss when he couldn't get to work on time?
Ah-so-late!
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What do you call it when a sheep sells his wool for money?
Cashearing! (Joke I made up last night at work, so be gentle with me)
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What did the Middle Eastern dishwasher say when his boss asked him what he did all day at work?
Iraq the dishes in the dish rack and Iran the dishwasher
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Why are pills white?
Because they work.
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Who's there ! Bach ! Bach who ?
Bach to work!
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What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays?
The week force.
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Why do elephants wear green shoes?
So they can sneak across pool tables. Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table? Works, doesn't it?
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What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time?
I'm Thor
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Who do you call when your spacebar doesn't work?
A space engineer!
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How does a Bee get to work?
He catches a buzz.
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What secret society do strippers work for?
The Illuminaughty.
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Why did the elephant paint its nails red?
So it could hide in the strawberry patch.... Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? No? See, it worked!
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What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom?
Angus McCoatup
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Why couldn't the physicist get the Standard Model to work?
Because it wouldn't commute!
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What kind of work does a weak cat do?
A: Light mouse work.
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Where do tech guys with diarrhea go to work?
IBM
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What do hard-working grocery store clerks get every year?
A celery increase.
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Why did the L.A. riots last only 4 days?
Everyone knows black people can't work a full week.
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Whats does dissecting a frog and explaining a joke have in common?
Sure, you know how it works, but now it's dead.
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How many Dallas Cowboys fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't. They just talk about when it did work.
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Why should you work for a vegetable factory?
Because they offer a good celery.
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What do you do with an infected chemist?
You try to Curium. If that doesn't work and he dies, then Barium
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What's the similarity between communism and a pencil?
They both only really work on paper
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What do you call a blonde white guy with blue eyes who is an experienced soldier and who works with sick animals?
A veteran Aryan.
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What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and a homeless man who works at McDonalds?
One of those greasy bums is making a lot more money.
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How do you put a baby to sleep?
You rock them. What if it doesn't work? Use a bigger rock.
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Why didn't they use Black Phosphorous?
It doesn't work.
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What did Bruce Willis say to motivate his son?
Son, if at first you don't succeed, Try Hard. If that doesn't work, Try Hard 2. If that still doesn't work, Try Hard with a Vengeance. Remember, you can't pick between the choice to Live Free or Try Hard. They go together. Everyday's A Good Day to Try Hard."
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What do you call hiring German engineers to work on your overseas project?
Krautsourcing
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What does a lawyer wear to work?
A law-suit
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Why are south italian men so small?
Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there
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What's black and never works?
Decaf coffee.
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What's the difference between Olive Garden and Reddit?
At Olive Garden the servers actually work.
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What time?
Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
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What do you call it when you smoke weed and work out at the same time?
Getting all high and mighty
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What do you call a bunch of potheads working together?
A joint effort!
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Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?
Because it's all play.
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What does BMW stand for?
Black man working
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What do you call a group of Mexicans doing work?
Manuel labour.
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How much work does it take to send a packet across the internet?
20 Watts
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How do people with injured hands commute to work?
Carpool tunnels
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Why was the broom late for work?
Because 7,8,9
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Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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What is the only thing that will be "Feeling the Bern"?
Working people's wallets.
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Why did the man quit working at the cemetery?
It was hard to make a living.
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Why do churches ban Wifi Networks?
Because they don't want to compete with an invisible connection that actually works.
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What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work?
I'll catch you later!
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What makes you qualified for this job?
Me: Because i work for less and good at licking. Mgmt: You're hired.
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What's a similarity between obese people, and my relationships with women?
They don't work out.
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Why does no work ever get done on the Sun?
Because it's always a Sun day
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What's the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
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Why/How do bakers work?
They knead the dough.
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What do you get when you cross a mexican, a queer, and an eskimo?
A snow-blower that doesn't work.
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Why did no one laugh at the hot dogs joke?
Because it was too cheesy. I work at a hot dog stand and tell this from time to time.
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Why weren't you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past
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What pick-up line works 100% of the time?
Does this smell like chloroform to you
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Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War?
He doesn't work well with Vision
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What do you call a Mexican working at Tim Hortons?
a Filipino
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Who was the least funny U.S. President?
FDR. His standup could use some work.
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Why are black people like sperm?
Only one in a million actually works.
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How do you tell which truck is the mail truck?
It has huge balls on it. Credit goes to the 70 year old man who just came into my work and made my day.
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What did the man say when he got his dancing robot to work?
It twerks!" I don't know how this came to me..
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Whats Black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, ya racist.
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What is a baby's dream job?
Working at a winery.
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What do you call a polar bear who works for Fox News?
A bad news bear
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What do you call an old-school CIA agent who believes his work is none of the public's goddamn business?
A Pte-redact-yl
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What do you call a hard working man from whose chauffeur is from seoul?
Korea driven.
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What did the type setter sing while he worked?
I shot the seriff, but I did not shoot the deputy!
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Want to hear a joke about construction?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
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Why do push up bras not work for some girls?
Because 0x0 is always 0.
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Why aren't there any mexicans in star trek?
They don't work in the future either.
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How do I get to 280?
A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"
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How is a computer like an air conditioner?
They both stop working properly when you open windows.
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Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?
One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
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How does a road reply when you ask it how work is going?
It's tiring.
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Why did the cop climb the tree?
He worked for a special branch.
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Who makes a million dollars a day?
Someone who works in a mint.
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Why was the mathematician late for work?
He took the rhombus.
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How do blondes carpool?
They meet up a work
-
Why did Renault name a car "Le Car"?
So customers wouldn't accidentally drive Le Lawnmower to work.
-
What do blacks and bicycles have in common?
Take off the chain and both stop working. Going straight to hell :)
-
What kind of suit does a bee wear to work?
A: A buzzness suit!
-
What's wrong with them?
his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."
-
How do you fit 50 elephants into a subway station?
You take the letter "f" out of the word "way" (there's no f in way) *joke works best when the person being asked the question has to think about it for some time and says the phrase themselves without realizing what they said
-
What's the rate at which racist work is done?
Whitepower (Horsepower is the rate at which work is done)
-
Why do we hit things when they don't work?
Because it worked with slavery
-
Why was the cop absent from work?
He had swine flu
-
What's the best part about living in a black family?
You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost
-
What attracted you to our company?
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
-
How do you know your S&M partner works in IT?
They insist your safe word has an upper case letter, a lower case letter, and at least one number.
-
What do a Marionette User and Tampon Thief have in common?
They both pull strings for work. (Inspired by Bo Burnham, this popped into my head the other day)
-
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Shows you it works then. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Monkeys picking cherries.
-
How can you tell if the code is broken?
SW Engineering joke) If India worked on it
-
How do cheese strings work?
I started to laugh, but then I stopped. How do cheese strings work
-
What keyboard shortcut is extensively used by journalists who work for Breitbart News?
alt right
-
What is your best casino joke?
I work in a casino and want to hear your best one. Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player? A canoe sometimes tips!
-
What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress?
Me
-
How do you know the devil is white?
Because he owns hell, he doesn't work for hell.
-
Where do banana slaves go to work?
Plantaintions.
-
Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work?
He was expecting showers.
-
How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?
30 because that's peasants work.
-
Why do professors like stats and physics students?
Because they'll work for p naughts.
-
What did the black horse name its daughter?
Sha-neigh-neigh. Thought of it at work.
-
How do diapers work?
Hnng. Aaaaaaaah. Like that. I'll show myself the door.
-
How is your job and your wife different?
I don't mind telling work the other jobs I've done
-
How about an app that keeps track of every working automatic paper towel dispenser in the world?
All seven or eight of them.
-
Why did the college student ask for a refund on his student loan?
Because his *degree* didn't work!
-
Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order?
Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.
-
Where is the best place for a 1-legged waitress to work?
IHOP
-
How can you tell a mortician is a necrophiliac?
He's always HARD at work.
-
What does a mathematician deal with when finished their work?
The aftermath
-
What do you call a hypnotist that works with wealthy children during the summer?
an heir conditioner.
-
How do you turn two colors that work into a rainbow that doesn't?
Colorizebot
-
What did I say when my Neutrogena products worked?
well I'm glad I've gotten that cleared up
-
What song do burgers sing on the job?
Gristle While You Work!
-
How does the Addidas executive work through the night?
Three lines
-
Why did the man go to the doctor after taking his friend to work?
He had carpool tunnel
-
What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal?
A doctor
-
Why don't women work as long and as hard as men in the office?
They do it right first time.
-
Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us?
Why do we have to do all the work
-
What do blacks and bikes have in common?
They both stop working when you take their chains off. Edit: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. By the way, got this from AskReddit.
-
What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?
I missed you
-
How many didn't?
Ten. (Shame this one doesn't work too well for reddit - the funniest part of this joke is the third punchline enjoying people struggle to understand what the hell you're talking about.)
-
Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
-
Why do women love men who work with Horses?
Because those men have got Stable jobs.
-
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneaded the dough!
-
What do you do if your bank account stops working?
Throw the guy out of the house.
-
What Would Beyonce Do?
Would she apply for a job Nope. She'd just show up one day like "I work here now."
-
What do you call black men working while white men watch?
Slav-The NBA
-
What clothes do lawyers wear to work?
Lawsuits.
-
Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business?
He got too attached to his work.
-
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but we weren't able to get the work done in 1 term because we inherited a really bad situation from the prior administration.
-
How do mathematicians solve constipation?
They just work it out with a pencil!
-
What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish! (works better when you're drunk)
-
How does that make you feel?
ME: "Mphh mophh wampph." T: Again, this works better if you don't lie face down on the couch.
-
What's the difference between a rhinoceros and a mattababy?
Works every time What's a mattababy Nothing what's a matta with you
-
What is the collective term for rams crossed with llamas who work as Avon representatives??
Rama llama ding dongs
-
How can you tell if a person works in HR or IT?
Ask them to pronounce the following: **HIRES**
-
Why did the airplane no longer work?
Because it was ly ill. I'll show myself out.
-
What's the perfect line of work for a lizard?
Re-tail.
-
What secret organization does Pinnochio work for?
Wooden you like to know
-
What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?
A yeaster bunny!
-
Why are Aspirins and Paracetamol white?
Well, you want them to work, don't you?
-
How do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower?
You give her a shovel and tell her to get to work.
-
What's the worst part about working in a glory hole?
You only get paid in tips.
-
Why did the relationship between two parallel lines never worked out?
It never worked out because they never met
-
What works in a circus walks a tightrope and has claws ?
An acrocat !
-
How 'done' do you want your burger?
I can do "well-done" all the way to "CPR might actually work."
-
What happened out there?
I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either
-
Why was the composer late for work?
He missed Debussy. I'll just leave.
-
How many children does Jamal have?
show your work.
-
Why can't blind kids have imaginary friends?
Their i's don't work
-
Why do math teachers never get constipated?
Because they always work problems out with a pencil.
-
Who is the best Native American to have around when you have a cold?
The Hanky chief (Yes this is all my own work, I thank you) No I am not a dad
-
Why couldn't the physicist get his paper published?
It was a work of friction.
-
Why did the gamer start working out?
He wanted to finally get respecced.
-
Why did parking tickets increase after Persephone was kidnapped?
Demeter wasn't working.
-
What do you do when your lawnmower stops working?
Deport him
-
Why are promise rings 1/10th the price of engagement rings?
They only work 10% of the time.
-
Why do Puerto ricans have so many kids?
Because pulling out is work!!!
-
What does a stoner do to work out?
Kush ups
-
What song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work?
Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go!
-
Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?
Because it's pretty basic stuff.
-
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don't work 8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here
-
What do programmers and taxi drivers have in common?
They both need a *break* every once in a *while*. edit: this is a three-way pun btw - it works better out loud
-
What do you call an Autobot who works in an overpriced makeup store at the mall ?
Ulta Magnus!
-
What do you call a dedicated but untalented gymnast?
A working stiff
-
Why didn't the skeleton make a good lawyer?
All his work was pro bono.
-
What's black and does not work?
Decaf Coffee
-
What do you call a guy who works out regularly?
Jim.
-
Where does a digital photographer hang his work?
On a jpeg.
-
Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?
Because they can't stop saving their work.
-
What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
-
Why did the bees go on strike ?
Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers !
-
How many OU (University of Oklahoma) coaches does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They aren't about to change a bulb when flipping a switch has worked for 15 years.
-
What's delaying the Polish space program?
A: Development of a working match.
-
What do you call a woman with a very round head?
Sophia. (sphere) it works best spoken
-
What is the worst city to be a cop in?
Baltimore, I hear it's backbreaking work.
-
Why aren't you working?
Me: I didn't see you coming!
-
What's black and doesn't work?
A quadriplegic chimney sweep.
-
What kind of bird works on a construction site?
A Crane.
-
What do you call a Snake game that doesn't work?
An E-Reptile dysfunction
-
What do you call a holy man who works at McDonald's?
A Friar
-
What do you call a fish who works for the government?
An Official.
-
Why don't you see many chemists with master's degrees working with acids and bases?
To really understand acids and bases, you need a pHd.
-
Why don't churches, synagogues, mosques and temples have Wi-Fi?
Because religions don't like competing with an invisible power that actually works.
-
What do you call fireworks that don't work?
Fireunemployed.
-
How does a detective stay cool in hot summer?
He works on a cold case.
-
How can working with cow hide help on a first date?
As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.
-
How can working with cow hide act in your favor on a first date?
As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.
-
Where do most black people work?
In jail
-
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
-
Why was the doctor forced to leave work early?
The hospital ran all out of patience
-
What do you call a relationship that never works out between guitarists?
No strings attached
-
Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi?
Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
-
Why didn't Barbie and Ken's relationship work out?
Because Ken always came in another box.
-
Why was the NSA computer programmer late for work?
Because he got Snowden
-
Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work?
Cause it had a hard drive.
-
Why do Chinese workers work so hard?
Because their companies are always short-staffed.
-
Who's there ! Bean ! Bean who ?
Bean working very hard today !
-
What seems to be th- Me: -Medicinal marijuana! Doc: I'm sorry?
Me: Let's start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok
-
What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?
A dry doc.
-
What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge?
Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.
-
What is a pirate's favorite drink?
The HI-C! (punchline must be said in proper pirate voice) (this is what I do when bored at work not even ashamed)
-
Why are contortionists always angry?
Their work usually has them pretty bent out of shape.
-
How do mathematicians cure constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
-
What is black and doesn't work?
Decaffeinated coffee.
-
Why did the lonely man work on his days off?
X-post /r/dadjokes) He loved the company.
-
How many do I need to get an Xbox?
Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"
-
How Can Atheists Make Money, and Get Free Food?
By working at an abortion clinic. Or an orphanage.
-
What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee?
Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...
-
How did the bird get his bluetooth to work?
He had to parrot.
-
Why did the crow go to the gym?
To work on his caw strength.
-
Why was the blond late on her first day of work?
Because she stopped taking the pill about a month earlier.
-
Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work?
Well, it worked with the slaves.
-
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
-
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work
-
How did the T-Rex feel after working out?
OC Dino-sore
-
Why did the bowling pins stop working?
They went on strike!
-
What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple?
iPatch
-
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
Neither work when you open windows.
-
How do rabbits get to work?
By rabbit transit!
-
What do black people and dividing by zero have in common?
They don't work.
-
What's black and doesn't work in an office?
Decaf coffee!
-
What do you call a veterinarian that can only work on one animal?
A doctor.
-
Who says building a border wall wont work?
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still dont have any Mexicans.
-
What do you call a fish with three eyes?
fiiish. (works when spoken :-/)
-
What did George Michael say to his partner before he went to work?
Wake me up before you go-go
-
What's the difference between healthcare.gov and Derrick Rose?
Healthcare.gov was broken and now it works.
-
How do you get girls?
Me: I'm smart and funny. Her: That works Me: No I'm terribly alone, I was just saying.
-
How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.
-
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
-
What's the difference between a camera and a foot?
A camera has photos and a foot has five toes. (Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)
-
Why does the CPU never get any work done?
Because it gets interrupted constantly.
-
What kind of pants does Mario wear to work?
Denim denim denim p
-
How do you call sons of australians and germans?
Men at Work
-
Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.
-
Why did this adhesive strip quit his work?
He just couldn't tape it anymore..
-
What do you call a sink that doesn't work?
A faux-cet.
-
How did the stem cell break it to his girl?
It's not you it's me*iosis* Could probably do with some work on deliver as I made it 5 minutes ago
-
What do you call a nun that works for your company?
Nun of your business.
-
How did Canada pick its name?
There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message. I know i need to work on my execution.
-
Why is it hard to work at an apple pie factory?
They have such a high turnover rate.
-
What do French labor reforms and French citizens have in common?
They'll never work.
-
Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?
He got crped out.
-
Why doesn't democracy work in china?
Because no one wants to hold an erection.
-
What's the difference between my job and my boss's daughter?
I'm not coming into work today
-
How do you call it, when the internet is not working in Germany?
InterNEIN"
-
Why did the people's phones stop working on the plane's that crashed into the twin towers?
They were in airplane mode. (I'm so sorry)
-
Why did the number of parking tickets spike after Persephone was carried off to the underworld?
Because Demeter stopped working.
-
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Slap her.
-
How do you get to a position of power in a science lab?
Work over time
-
What is a joke that works on many levels?
HR Department.
-
What do you call a stoner working at a repair shop?
High maintenance
-
How does clickbait work?
Just grab this electrical cable. Then what happens WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU!!!!!
-
What did the two story house say to its friend after it had just finished working out, and it's friend invited I to a party?
I'm two tiered. I came up with this at 1am, enjoy.
-
How many walruses does it take to make a sandwich?
Don't be silly, walruses don't make sandwiches; women make sandwiches. Made this up to bug my sister. It worked. Her husband laughed.
-
What do you call an obese psychic that works at a bank?
A four chin teller
-
How can you tell if a dictionary has been working out?
You can see the definition.
-
How many people work at your company?
About half of them.
-
What did Shrek say when the waiter dropped off his food at the German Restaurant?
Donkey!" (Danke) You gotta say it with the shrek accent to work.
-
Why do bakers start working so early in the morning?
Because they knead dough.
-
What do you call a man with a fetish for US currency who works on a dairy farm?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
-
Why did the student act crazy each time he worked on math homework?
He was on crystal math.
-
How do lesbian carpenters work?
No studs. All tongue in groove.
-
Whats the best time to go to the dentist?
4:30pm It let's you out of work a bit early with a valid excuse
-
What's the only thing working out at the gym?
The business plan.
-
What's a mortician's least favorite day on the job?
Bring Your Kid to Work Day
-
What does a beggar and a PHP programmer have in common?
They both work on crowded platforms.
-
Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?
Because it's too much like work what with all of the lying involved.
-
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the galaxy
-
Why do need it at work?
It's all I do. "WHAT " I said, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.
-
What is a drill team?
A group of dentists who work together.
-
Why Was The Canvas Maker Late Home From Work?
He had to close a sail
-
Why do women like men who can work on cars?
They know how to work under the hood!
-
Why do engineers work out a lot?
They're obsessed with rigid bodies!
-
How does a mathematician get rid of constipation?
He works it out with a pencil.
-
Why couldn't the physicist understand how boats work?
He thought nothing could possibly travel faster than sea.
-
What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader?
I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes ... A FSHHH
-
What is school like?
It's terrible, we have to do all the work, but the teachers get paid.
-
Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office?
Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.
-
What do you call it when the women in the back of a mexican brothel talk after working all night?
Whorechata. Probably my best original, lemme know what you think.
-
Who, me?
Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
-
Why wasn't the vampire working?
He was on his coffin break.
-
What did the manager of a log cutting company tell his employees when they were working too slow?
Chop chop.
-
What does a depressed girl do when she needs to get a lot of work done?
She takes Sadderall.
-
What do you call a security guard who works at Samsung?
a Guardian of the Galaxy
-
Why couldn't the Sailor steal other peoples work?
It was Pirated.
-
Why do cow wear bells?
Why do cow wear bells .......???? Because their don't work :D :P
-
Why did Boba Fett work alone?
Because he was hunting Solo.
-
How did the math teacher solve her constipation problem?
She worked it out with a pencil.
-
Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
He wanted to work overtime.
-
Why do liberal courts don't work?
Because they don't like to judge anyone.
-
What's the Top Job Requirement for Deep Sea Diver Position?
Ability to work under pressure.
-
How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm. Men: I think it started in the 90's.
-
What's long, black and doesn't work?
The unemployment line.
-
How do government employees wink when they're at work?
They briefly open one eye.
-
Why do you want to work in a bank Alan?
Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it sir.
-
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
-
Why are outdoor workers so in fit?
Cause they work out.
-
Why are hairdressers never late for work?
Because they know all the short cuts!
-
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, Will it work?
Are there any side effects ' No, it's Can I drink with these '
-
What do you call a cancer doctor who works 24/7?
An on-call-ogist
-
What does a math teacher do when he has hemorrhoids?
He works them out with a pencil.
-
How is it May already?
Day coming up tomorrow where people who don't know how calendars work tweet.
-
Why are there exactly two hundred and thirty nine beans in an Irish Bean Soup?
Because if there were one more, it'd be two forty. (Too farty) This works much better when spoken out loud. The joke how Irish people pronounce "forty."
-
What's the similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist?
They both work with crust.
-
What's the difference between snow tires and black people?
The snow tires still work when you take the chains off.
-
What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe?
Paddy Hor D'oeuvre
-
Why don't black people like tylenol?
Because its white and it works.
-
What do beekeepers say when they go to work?
Alright, let's get down to beeswax!"
-
What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
They both don't work and always take your money
-
Why does the boss put clocks under employee's desk?
Because he wanted them to work over-time
-
What did the windmill say to the windmill engineer?
I'm a big fan of your work
-
Why is stormtrooper always late from work?
He keeps missing his train
-
Why are asprins white?
Because they work.
-
What is the similarity between a black man and a bike?
They both only work with a chain on.
-
Why is Daredevil not a part of the Avengers?
Because he doesn't work with Vision
-
Why should you try to date girls you meet at the gym?
Because you already know she'll work out.