World Jokes
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
One. He stands in place while the whole world revolves around him.
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What is the tallest building in the world?
The library, it’s got the most stories!
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How does a white girl prepare for the world?
Basic training.
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What's the slowest thing in the world?
A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
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Where can you meet horny girls?
Dad! For the umpteenth time there are NO horny girls in this world... Unless they're lesbians.
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Why is Alabama the worlds biggest sandwich?
Because the whole state is inbred
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Who is the most successful liar in the world?
Mary. Lied about her extramarital affair, still believed by billions.
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What is the fastest cake in the world?
Scone.
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What's the strongest plant in the world?
Eucaliftus
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What's the fastest animal in the world?
A chicken crossing Ethiopia. What's the second fastest animal ... The ethiopian chasing it.
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What does a guy want more than anything in the world?
It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.
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What is the wettest animal in the world?
A Rain Deer.
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Why are topologists on a world of their own?
They think on a whole different dimension.
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What's the highest number in the world?
420
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One narcissist. The narcissist holds the lightbulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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What made the world stop being Blue?
The new softcap limits
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Where in the World is Carmen?
San Diego."
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Why isn't there a college in the world of Harry Potter?
Because even Magic can't pay your college Loan
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Who are some of the best readers in the world?
World Trade Center workers, some of them can read 50 stories in just 8 seconds!
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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
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Who has the fastest brain in the world?
Steven Hawking with a brake failure!
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Why would anyone want to study the Earth and how it rotates?
I guess that some people just want to see the world turn
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What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
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What is the most beautiful thing in the world?
Is it your right thigh, or your left? Or does the answer lie somewhere in the middle?
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What is the bigest pencil in the world?
A. Pennsylvania
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What do you call an abortion in the world of Mortal Kombat?
A Fetality.
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How many honest intelligent caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
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Who is the most communist cat in the world?
Meow Zedong
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What's the tallest building in the world?
A library, because there are so many stories. (Did Not Make Up this Joke)
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What is the most exciting sport in the world?
Camping. Its in tents.
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What's the second fastest thing in the world?
What's fastest thing in the world?
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Why was the restaurant called "Out of this World"?
Because it was full of Unidentified Frying Objects.
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What is the longest rope in the world?
Europe
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What's the biggest moth in the world ?
A mammoth !
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How many white people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them. One to hold the bulb and the rest to screw the world.
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What would a world without women feel like?
A pain in the arse.
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Why is seeing a snow leopard on the hunt almost, but not quite the rarest thing in the world?
A ready predator is pretty rare, but not as rare as a pretty redditor! :)
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What's the worlds longest sentence?
I do.
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What's the worlds strongest animal?
A 'buff'alo
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What goes around the world yet stays in the corner?
Stamp
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What's the name of the smallest pub in the world?
The Thalidomide Arms.
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What are the most common 3 words used all around the world?
Made in China.
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What did Masters say to Johnson?
I don't know what the worlds coming to
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What's the most dangerous animal in the world?
A Bluebird with a Tommy Gun.
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What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A stamp.
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Who is the smelliest hairiest monarch in the world?
King Pong.
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What did the Greek God say when he could finally take the world off his shoulders?
At las!
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How many grains of sand are there in the world?
As many as 27. I'm referring to the number of times good ol' 27 was reposted.
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How many Heros does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
All, to save this world from the darkness.
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What did Putin say when the world got mad at him for invading the Ukraine?
Cri-me-a river!"
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Why did the worlds shortest feminist burn down a post shop?
Because the mail was always above her.
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What is the fastest thing in the world?
Milk. Because it's pasteurised before you see it.
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Who's there? Dave. Dave who?
Dave promptly burst into tears as not everyone in the world knew Dave.
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What is the fastest mineral in the world?
The malacheetah.
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What's the shortest book in the world?
Deutscher Humor!
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Why was the tallest man in the world troubled?
Because he had no one to look up to.
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What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother 4yo: Oh Me: What about you 4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies Me: Oh
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How manny women dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one she hokds the blub and the world revolves around her.
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What are the four fastest hands in the world?
when it slips out.
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How many Bernie supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to hold the lightbulb, and the rest of the world to revolve around them
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What is the fastest insect in the World?
Lice" Why ... Because it is latching on a running Cheetah.
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How do you know Tiger Woods is one of the richest people in the world?
He plays golf.
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Why are men afraid of the world?
They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.
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What is the biggest joke in the world as of now?
The current US presidential election
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What's the fastest bird in the world?
The Somali chicken!
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What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
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How many countries' flags make an appearance at every auto race in the world?
Two. Libya's to start the race, and France's to signal there's one lap to go.
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What would you call Hispanics if everyone in the world were completely equal?
Equatinos
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How many millenials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. They hold it in place while the world revolves around them.
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What is 50 Cent's guiding philosophy?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
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Where's Spiderman's home page?
Where's Spiderman's home page? On the world wide web.
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What did Caesar say to Cleopatra ?
Toga-ether we can rule the world !
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What do you call a horse that's been all around the world?
A globe-trotter!
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What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A fart. It will cut through your pants and not even leave a hole.
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
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How many Bernie supporters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to hold the lightbulb, and the rest of the world to revolve around them
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Where would we be in the world without humour?
Germany.
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Why is there a 100,000 oil limit in World of Warcraft Garrisons?
Because anything more than that might cause an invasion by the United States of America!
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Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
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How many feminists does to take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one. She stands with the bulb and the world revolves around her.
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What's the longest game in the world?
Two women playing pool.
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How did Han Solo enter the world?
On the perineum falcon!
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What's the biggest ant in the world?
Girl: My Aunt Boy: No it's an elephant. Girl: You obviously haven't met my Aunt
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What does Spock sing in the shower?
What does Spock sing in the shower? I'll stop the world and meld with you!
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What kind of milk do the wealthiest people in the world give to their children?
1%
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How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They stick the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!
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Why did Oscar Pistorius shoot his girlfriend in the bathroom?
Because he's one of the few people in World that couldn't kick down the door.
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Why did Marie Antoinette travel the world?
Where else would she beheaded
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What's the ugliest tree in the world?
Yew
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What's the difference between a happy programmer and a sad programmer?
Hello, world" and "Goodbye, cruel world"
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How many Kardashians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one as the rest of the world simply MUST revolve around them...
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What do you call the smallest Superman in the world?
Quark Kent.
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How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?
Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.
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What do you call a Microbiologist who travels the world?
A Man of many Cultures
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What's the worlds most forceful fig?
The Fig Newton.
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What's the best hotel in the world?
Auschwitz. 1.3 million stars.
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Why do people shoot up schools?
Because it increases the average IQ of the world. It's a public service.
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What do you kiss on a Mexican dish that will trigger the end of the world?
El Taco Lips.
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What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit?
The first herd shot round the world!
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What's the sharpest thing in the world?
A fart. It goes through your pants without even making a hole.
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Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
is just not as challenging since she started using foursquare.
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How many feminists does it take screw in a lightbulb?
One she holds it in the socket and waited for the world to revolve around her.
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Why are astronauts successful people ?
Because they always go up in the world !
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How about an app that keeps track of every working automatic paper towel dispenser in the world?
All seven or eight of them.
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How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
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What would you do if the world blew up?
Go to Coles new world.
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Who was the worlds first capenter?
Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.
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What's your excuse?
Well my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
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Who's the world most famous blacksmith?
Will Smith
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What cake wanted to rule the world?
Attila the Bun.
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Why did the Ape jump off the building?
He wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of!
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What do children think of the world?
I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.
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Why did the optimistic Chinese guy wish he had multiple personality disorder?
He wanted to be the Changs he wanted to see in the world.
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What is the worlds friendliest aircraft?
A hellocopter!
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw..... in a lightbulb?
Just one to hold it up as the whole world revolves around her.
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How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?
By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!
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What is the worlds wettest animal?
The reindeer
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What do you call the secret Eskimo organization that controls the world?
The Igloominati.
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What's the smallest instrument in the world?
An e-lectron.
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What do you do after you licked the softest and sweetest puss in the world?
You put it back in the crib.
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What's the best nation in the world?
Donation. What's the best city in the world? Generosity.
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Who's the fastest tailor in the world?
Sonic the Swift Taylor
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What did the bad shock tell the good shock?
I'm bad under pressure!! It's the lamest car joke in the world.
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What would Fred Flintstone say if you asked him which city had the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world?
Abu Dhabi Dooooooo!
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Why German Loves Americans why do Germans love Americans?
because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.
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How many BLM protestors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one to hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.
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What's the fastest curry in the world?
Usain Balti..
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Why did god invent whiskey?
x-post /r/drunkjokes) So the Irish would never rule the world
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How many members of U2 does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three to screw it in and Bono to explain it to the world.
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What is the best vegetable delivery vehicle in the world?
An ambulance
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What's the only thing in the world that's bigger than a Samoan man?
His wife.
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Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. They hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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What is round and hates French people?
The World.
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What does a woman want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
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How many egoists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They simply hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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What's the funniest fish in the world?
Piranhahahahaha Don't lynch me
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Why did the chicken go around the world?
Because his name was Marco Pollo..
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What's the name of the best brewer in the world?
Bock Goodale
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What's the fastest drink in the world ?
Sonic the eggnog.
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What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?
Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.
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Who run the world?
Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
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How do you shut down all the nuclear reactors in the world?
Tell the FineBros. about them
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Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has 4 rabbits' feet.
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How many bees are there in the world?
A buzzillion.
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What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?
One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
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How many lead guitarists does it take to change lightbulb?
One. He just stands there with the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.
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What's black, wears a bandana and ends the world?
Tupacalypse. (thanks to my buddy Mike)
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Why does the USA use F?
The rest of the world has varying degrees of communism.
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How many femenists does it *really* take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter how many femenists try, they can't change anything. Alternatively, they just hold it up and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
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Who is fastest girl in the world?
Answer: Airtel 4G girl.
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What's the best campsite in the world?
Auschwitz, received well over three million starts
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What goes all around the world but stays in one corner the entire time?
Stamps!
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What's the quietest album in the world?
Stephen Hawking - unplugged
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How does an SJW screw in a light-bulb?
Zir holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around zirself.
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What's the difference between a man who owns a gun and a man who owns a bank?
A man with a gun can rob a bank. A man with a bank can rob the world. (Disclaimer: reword of someone else's post to FB today.)
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What's the highest rated hotel in the world?
Aushwitz, 6 million stars.
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Why did the Greeks want Helen back so bad?
Are you kidding She was the most beautiful woman in the world! Can you imagine what her sons would of looked like
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How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air and the world revolves around him
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Why do clouds make good Kings?
Because they have rain over every country in the world.
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How many US Congress members does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. They just hold it still and wait for the world to revolve around them.
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What is this world coming to?
Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise
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What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming.
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Why is China so politically in bed with Africa?
Because China is the biggest coal burner in the world
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What's the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
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What is the largest moth the world has ever seen?
A mammoth
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How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.
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Why are government buildings alike all around the world?
free masonry.
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What is the slowest racehorse in the world ?
A clotheshorse !
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Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?
Because it's capital is always Dublin.
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What's the fastest cake in the world?
Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue.
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What does your wife/girlfriend want more than anything in the world?
Nothing, she's fine.
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How many white people does it take to replace a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb, and the rest to screw the whole world.
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How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A hundred but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
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What is the top selling fruit in the world?
Clay Aiken.
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What was World of Warcraft called in the beta stage?
World of Wardraft.
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What is the worst type of doctor you can be?
gynecologist - because in the hole that the whole world is looking for pleasure, he's looking for problems.
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How does a feminist screw in a light bulb?
She doesn't, she just holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
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What will happen if you went inside a black hole?
I don't know either. It must be out-of-this-world.
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How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb?
He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
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How do Asians see the world?
In widescreen.
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How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They stick the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!
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Which is the smallest pub in the world?
The Thalidomide Arms.
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Why was the chef mad?
He had all the money in the world, but no thyme.
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What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world?
You mean across
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What did Carmen's mom say when Carmen dropped her waffle in the sandbox?
Where in the world is Carmen's sandy Eggo "
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What do you call a two dentists that live on opposite sides of the world?
Molar opposites.
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How many twists does a feminist need to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just grab it and the world to revolve around them.
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What happens to the losers of the tv show The Biggest Loser?
They're made to feel like the smallest person in the world.
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What does the new socialist leader of France mean for the country, Europe, and the world?
Nationalized wine.. Sounds like the right wing will have some whine too.
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Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world?
It was legend dairy.
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What do you call a donut that is out of this world?
Astronaut-----
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Why did the customer choose T-Mobile?
Because he wanted the worst cellphone service in the world.
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Who has the easiest job in the world right now?
Joan Rivers' embalmer.
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How is the world like a bag of jellybeans?
Nobody likes the black ones.
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What is the biggest ant in the world ?
An elephant !
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How does an engineer screw a light-bulb?
He holds the light-bulb over the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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Who's the fastest cyclist in the world?
Chris Vroom
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Who is the smartest person in the world, doing the silliest thing right now?
Apparently, that's you.
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Why is Instagram not working?
but "Why does the world need another picture of you " #instagramnotworking
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Why did you leave me here all alone?
Where o where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found some one You met a zombie and pblblthpth you were gone.
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What's the one thing a woman wants most in this world?
Nothing, she's fine
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What do you call a large vehicle that travels the world serving breakfast?
Universal cereal bus
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What in the world is this?
The bartender says, "Central Park."
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How does a feminist change a lightbulb?
By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them.
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There are 10 types of people in this world...
Those who understand binary and those who don't
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What's the cleanest country in the world (in the eyes of the Germans?
Nigeria.
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What's the most oldest joke in the world?
The human race.
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Why are women so afraid of looking stupid?
Because they don't want the world to know!
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Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror?
It defies logic
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What Do the Joker and 60,000,000 people have in common?
They just wanna watch the world burn
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What is the fastest animal in the world?
The Ethiopian chicken.
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How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A hundred but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
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How many BLM protestors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one to hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.
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What's the difference between the Polish and polish?
No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you
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Who were the Tallest Man in the World's roll models?
Nobody, he had no one to look up to.
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How many pregnant women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one. She holds it while the world revolves around her.
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Who's there ! Bridget ! Bridget who ?
Bridget the end of the world !