Write Jokes

  • Why do liberals travel in threes?

    A: One to read one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

  • What did the Mexican student write his essay about?

    Life outside of prison.

  • How is life in North Korea?

    I wrote to my North Korean pen pal "I can't complain" he wrote back.

  • Why do Communists only write in lowercase?

    Because they hate Capitalism.

  • What's black hairy and writes under water?

    A ball-point gorilla!

  • What type of writing makes the most money?

    Ransom notes.

  • Who writes books for little bees ?

    Bee-trix Potter !

  • How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?

    Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets

  • Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

    A: Because she didn't know which one came first!

  • What do you call part of a poem written by a Seinfeld character?

    A George Costanza.

  • What would you use to write down a description of the dump you just took?

    A No. 2 pencil.

  • Why did the mathematician get an F on his English quiz?

    He wrote, "i is the square root of negative 1."

  • How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

  • Which author do the Gorillas love most?

    Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!'

  • How do you spell ichael?

    The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael " she asked. "No ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."

  • Who writes ghost stories?

    A ghost writer.

  • Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three?

    One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

  • What does toilet paper and office paper have in common?

    You can write on both of them with a No. 2

  • What do you say when Al Gore writes computer code?

    He's writing an Algorithm!

  • What bird can write underwater?

    A ball-point Penguin!

  • If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program

    the rest of them will write Perl

  • What body of water is used for writing?

    The Apostrosea.

  • What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters?

    With love and hisses.

  • Who is the Gorillas' favourite playwright?

    Eugene O'Neill - who wrote 'The Hairy Ape!'

  • Why was Shakespeare always a good teammate to have?

    Because no matter the sport, he would always play write

  • How does a composer remember which groceries to buy?

    She writes a Chopin Liszt.

  • How does a pig write home?

    With a pig pen.

  • What do you call an article written about a dead astronaut?

    An -tuary!

  • What's the shortest book ever written?

    A: French War Heroes.

  • How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

  • Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes?

    The first knows how to read the second knows how to write and the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

  • What do you call an apology written using dots and dashes?

    Re-morse code

  • Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes?

    A. To remind her that "toes go in first."

  • What did you learn in school today Son: How to write Mother: What did you write?

    Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!

  • What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

    Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.

  • Why do North Korean officials are always seen holding a notebook and a pen when they're near Kim Jong Un?

    They're writing their last will and testament.

  • Why isn't the guy who wrote "Danger Zone" and the Saved by the Bell theme very active on social media?

    He forgot his Loggins

  • What did Eric Clapton do after he wrote Tears in Heaven?

    Threw his baby out the window.

  • What's the song that coldplay wrote for you?

    Yellow. *Phil answers phone*

  • Why does Neville Longbottom like herbology so much?

    Because his parents are vegetables.

  • What do you call a teeth specialist who writes books?

    An author-dontist Wahey!

  • Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

    Me: Wanna buy my book Them: No. Me: That's why I own a hot dog stand.

  • What did one potatoe say to another?

    Dan Quayle wrote this joke.

  • What did the English teacher write when she needed to borrow money?

    An AE I.O.U. P.S. Im proud of this one :3

  • What is written on Ronald McDonald's gravestone?


  • Who wrote "The Tiger's Revenge"?

    Claude Balls

  • What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

    An algorithm.

  • What did Nietzsche tell his editor when he finished writing Thus Spoke Zarathustra?

    It's over, man.

  • What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars?

    The Cat in the AT-AT

  • What's a hotdog's best subject in school?

    History. Because history has always been written by wieners.

  • What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ?

    Best vicious of the season

  • How do you write poop in Australia?


  • Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

    One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

  • How many rappers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Two!.......pac. (*It's a lot better spoken than written.*)

  • How many verses did the Prophet Muhammad write?

    Allah-t. Thanks for listening.

  • What does the Michael Jackson action figure have written on the back of the box?

    Not suitable for children. Colors may vary.

  • How does a SQL expert get a date?

    getDate() (I really hope this doesn't do well, so cheap, so stupid, just had to write it when I thought of it)

  • Who writes hit musicals on the Internet?

    Andrew Lloyd Webber.

  • Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes?

    Because they're too high-strung. Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there.

  • How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian?

    You switch sides at half time.

  • Whatcha got, reddit?

    I am not funny and I need to be. I am writing a script for a short show that's formatted like "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. So that means one sentence about the topic, and then one liner joke. Thank you all!

  • Why Cant Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

    When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, Marc, with a C. Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

  • What is something all Hispanic people write in college?

    An ese.

  • What do you call a joke that only works written down instead of told orally?

    A sic joke

  • What do rappers use to write their lyrics?


  • How was your paper?

    Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn't knew.

  • When you ask her "Have you ever read Shakespeare?

    And she answers "No, who wrote it " .... Keep moving.

  • What kind of papers do dogs write?

    A ruff draft.

  • Why do dyslexic children get nothing for Christmas?

    They are writing to Satan.

  • How many times should you check whether a sentence is written in English or Spanish?


  • What is the oldest joke in the book?

    The first one written

  • Who wrote "The Open Kimono"?

    Seymour Hare.

  • Why is history called His story?

    Because it's written by the Victors, not the Victorias.

  • Why did the criminal get released from prison after he wrote a short essay?

    He had served his sentence.

  • What do you call an aardvark that writes poems?

    A bardvark!

  • Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters?

    Because he hates capitalism.

  • How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident?

    As many as it takes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)

  • What do yeast and a redneck have in common?

    They're both usually found with beer and inbred. -&y (written by moi)

  • How many zeros in one million?

    Six" "Ok, thanks" *writes milli000000n*

  • Where do cats write down notes?

    A: Scratch Paper!

  • What is it called when a Redditor writes about his life?

    A meme-oir

  • Why did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

    He ate his pizza before it was cool. (Written anonymously in the bathroom at work, a pizza joint.)

  • What do you call an egg that cures cancer?

    A keurig. Joke written by my 9 year old son.

  • Who did the ghost-boy write to during his trip to ghost-summercamp?

    There is no afterlife.

  • What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch?

    He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

  • What type of writing is the most profitable?

    A ransom note.

  • When can't a pencil write out a check?

    When it's broke.

  • Where does He-Man keep his towel?

    BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

  • How did I get the balls to write such a grotesque joke?


  • What did the cow say when she got hit by a car?

    Moo." What did the cow saw when she fell into a ditch? "Moo." What did the cow say when she fell onto the electric fence? "Moo." What did the cow say when she got hit by a train? "Why does everything always happen to meeee?" Protip: My dad wrote this joke for me when I was six.

  • What do Mexicans write in school?


  • What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?

    A: She turned it over and used the other side.

  • How would you write do not touch in Braile?

    A. With copper wire and strong electric current. (read it in a shower thoughts thread)

  • What do you think you're doing?

    the observant teacher asks. To which he replies... "writing an ese"

  • What do Lady Gaga and E. L. James have in common?

    They both wrote bad romance.

  • Why was the teacher arrested for writing in permanent marker?

    He wrote "1 + 0 = 0" and then spent the rest of the lesson trying to rub one out...

  • What's the difference between writing your will and owning an ant farm?

    One's a legacy, the other a sea of legs.

  • Which cop writes poems about ravens?

    Edgar Allan Po-Po

  • What did a police officer write in the criminal report, when they found a homey from the bottom of a lake, wrapped in 200 kg's of metal chains?

    Offender stole more than he could carry by swimming

  • How many polaks does it take to kidnap a child?

    A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.

  • What does a pig write with?

    A pig pen!

  • Who wrote it?

    Major Bumsore

  • Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?

    He wrote sheet music.

  • How do you write an essay that blows people away?

    With lots of drafts

  • What did the writing utensil take for his high sugar level?

    A: Pencil-in.

  • What's yours?

    ME: "I write and want to dir--" "GUNSHOT*

  • How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?

    There is white-out on the screen. How do you know that another blonde has been using the computer Someone has written on the white-out.

  • Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

    I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

  • What is posthumous work ?

    Something written by someone after they are dead !

  • How many feminists does it take to screw a lightbulb?

    One to screw it in and nine to write on their blogs about how enlightening the experiment was.

  • Why do they write PIZZA all over the box?

    what else could possibly be in there

  • What do young ghosts write their homework in?

    Exorcise books.

  • Why did the young witch have such difficulty writing letters?

    She had never learned to spell properly.

  • What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?


  • What are you doing?

    Are you writing down everything I'm saying ! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG ! !" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

  • What's yellow and writes?

    A ball point banana!

  • Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?

    Because of the Nye Quill.

  • Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil?

    It's pointless

  • What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

    One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

  • How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

    I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.

  • Why did blonde open a fishcan in a shop?

    Because on top of it was written : Open here.

  • What is everyone writing songs about?

    John: revolution Paul: forgiveness George: true love Ringo: hmm, a submarine or maybe an octopus

  • What kind of writing makes the most money?

    Ransom notes.

  • How Did Norse Marsupials Write Their Sagas?

    In Kangarunes.

  • Why don't southern belles go to orgies any more?

    Too many thank you notes to write

  • What does a pig use to write his term papers with?

    Pen and Oink!

  • Why should you wear a condom when writing C++ code?

    It's full of std vectors.

  • Who would win in a fight between John Cena and Chuck Norris?

    Depends on who wrote the script.

  • What was written on the UNIX user's doormat?

    There's no place like cd "

  • What does a Obstetrician and a well written joke have in common?

    They deliver

  • What do you call heavy metal music written about fruit?

    Applecore. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • What is the South American Music Scale?

    Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti No (This is a joke I wrote a loooonnngg time ago, tell me what you think.)

  • What's the best thing about twenty-two year olds?

    There's twenty of them. It's better said then written.

  • What happens to Stephen Hawking when he stops laughing?

    He writes scary stories.

  • What was the first joke ever written?

    Ugh, Ugh Ugh? Uggh!

  • What Greek tragedy was written by a neckbeard?

    Tips fedora "M'dea."

  • What do you call a Welshman who writes lots of letters ?

    Pen Gwyn !

  • Who writes all his plays on the Internet?

    Will-e. Shakespeare.

  • What do you call a well-written short story?


  • What did the basic girl say after all her writing utensils broke?

    I literally cant even write now

  • How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?

    A: There is writing on the White-out.

  • What's a cats most common written thought?


  • What rhymes with California?

    Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song writing session ever

  • What did the IRS agent say to the financially backward store owner?

    Ehh it's easier If I just write it off as tax evasion"

  • Why wasn't the son of God worried when Microsoft Word crashed while he was writing his term paper?

    Because Jesus saves.

  • Why did Matthew Arnold go swimming before writing Dover Beach?

    Before writing the poem, he felt he had to do some sole-searching.

  • Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

    It's pointless just like this post

  • How do you stop hearing jokes written for 12 year olds?

    Unsubscribe from r/jokes!

  • What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil ?

    One rarely bites and the other barely writes !

  • How do you know you're golfing with a politician?

    When they get a hole-in-one they write down *zero* on the scorecard.

  • Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?

    A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

  • Why is Karl Marx credited in so many movies?

    OC) Because he wrote the Rom-Communist Manifesto.

  • What type of stories do cocaine addicts write?

    Snort stories

  • What do you call it when a video game character gets hair on his body?

    Q*berty. (my kids wrote this!)

  • What kind of dinosaur writes poetry?

    A Bronte-saurus.

  • Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

    One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

  • How do you tell a racist joke without getting in trouble?

    Write it down.

  • What's the capital of Honduras?

    HER: um... ME:writing bad at geo-

  • What' is a pirate's least favourite letter?

    Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

  • How do you keep a blonde busy?

    Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a page and hand it to her.

  • What's the magic word?

    Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off

  • What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

    I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

  • What did the werewolf write at the bottom of the letter?

    Best vicious . . .

  • What's the difference between Bill Cosby and Lena Dunham?

    Lena Dunham wrote the book about it.

  • What does a rapper use to write their songs?


  • Why are there no good jokes about men?

    Because they were written by women.

  • What kind of bird can write?

    A penguin.

  • How are you dealing with not writing any of the songs?

    He responds, "One note at a time."