Year Jokes
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What ever happened to the Energizer Bunny?
So the other day I'm talking to a friend about what happened to the Energizer Bunny. It's been quite sometime since I've seen him appear in a commercial. I was always under the impression that he "kept going." My friend proceeds to tell me the Energizer Bunny was arrested last year ,and they charged him with battery. Now it all makes sense.
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Why was it easier for the whistleblower to leave American soil earlier in the year?
It didn't Snowden.
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What do you call a blonde in a closet?
Last years hide and seek champion
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What do maggots and Alabama fans have in common?
They can both live off a dead bear for years.
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What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years?
Pete.
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What did the bread do after it had been oppressed for many years?
Rye-ot
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What do you call a dead blond in the closet?
last year's hide & seek! :D
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How many graduate students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes nine years.
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How many years before we forget if 9/11 was in '00 or '01?
15 or 16
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What do you call 4 condoms?
For me, a year's supply.
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What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...
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What did one Japanese man say to the other?
I'm not quite sure. I only took one year of Japanese in high school.
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What's the worst time of the year for the Slinkies factory?
Spring break. BA DUM TISS
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What time does Sean Connery show up at Wimbledon every year?
About tennish.
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Where do I see myself in ten years?
I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
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How many Apple workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to over hype the new lightbulb and one to make sure it breaks within a year.
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Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
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Why is Monica Lewinsky going to vote Republican this year?
Last time she tried Democrat it left a bad taste in her mouth.
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What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla?
The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year.
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What do women and linoleum have in common?
If you lay them just right you can walk on them for years.
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How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year
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How many transgender people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. But they have to sit in the dark room for a year, first, to make sure that the lightbulb is out.
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What do you call a blonde haired skeleton in the closet?
Last year's Hide and Go seek champion.
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What do you call the statistics for the total amount of waste produced by the US this year?
Gross
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Who lives in a hut with a couple pieces of trash and two grains of rice?
An Ethiopian person who has been hoarding for several years now.
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Why don't women need to go to college?
Because it doesn't take four years to learn how to make a sandwich.
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How many dead-heads does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just let it burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
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Where do you see yourself exploding in five years?
they asked.
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Why does Vincent van Gogh always look forward to thenew year?
Because everyone wishes him a new ear.
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Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?
Because they spend years at sea.
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Why should they have hosted the World Cup in a different country this year?
because a brazillian things could go wrong
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What do women and floor tiles have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
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Which year is the most popular?
1969
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What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall?
A year in prison if there's any justice.
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What's a North Korean farmer's favorite time of year?
Breakfast.
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What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
They're stuck at C for years
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How the hell did Caitlyn Jenner win women of the year?
She hasnt even been a women for a year yet.
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What is your date of birth?
Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year " Witness: "Every year."
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What are Gene Wilder and David Bowie getting for Christmas this year?
Betty White.
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What is the difference between a BMW and a baby carriage?
The baby carriage is the result of last year's fun on wheels.
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Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they often spend years at C EDIT: made it more punny
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Why didn't the rope get any presents this year?
He was very knotty.
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Where do you see yourself in four years?
I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
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What is the difference between Christmas music and Kobe Bryant?
Christmas music will still be playing next year.
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How many Apple workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to over hype the new lightbulb and one to make sure it breaks within a year.
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What do you call a skeleton with blonde hair in a closet?
Last year's winner of the blonde "hide and go seek" contest
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What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?
Well, I don't know" she answers shyly. "OK, that I give you another year to think about it..."
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What's The Difference Between Santa and a Muslim?
Santa will be able to enter the united states next year!
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What do you want for your birthday this year?
Vanessa: I want a divorce! Kobe: I wasn't planning on spending that much this year. Here's another ring.
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Where'd you get those shoes?
Me:"I've had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw " H:"Nope just cleaned the old one" *Marriage lies
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Why did the accountant cross the road?
Because that's what they did last year.
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What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?
Church.
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How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
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What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.
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Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years?
It was stuffed.
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Where do you see yourself in three years?
Me: Sorry, I don't have 2020 vision
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How many years of experience do you have?
50 - Really You are 40 years old - I had lots of overtime
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How many trains have I derailed in all my years as a train driver?
It's hard to keep track.
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Why did Yewtree arrest the husband-to-be at the celebrity wedding of the year?
They wanted to make sure he'd never been a groom.
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How many seconds are in a year?
Only 12. One for every month.
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What's the definition of a tree?
Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
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What do you call an Irishman who sits on the porch all year round?
Patty O'Furnature
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What's white and Irish and sits in your backyard all year?
Paddy O'Furniture
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What did Matthew McConaughey say when he saw this year's Oscar nominees?
All white, all white, all whiiiiiiiite...
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How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year
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When is your birthday?
17th January. What year Every year!
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How do you guys think the Germans will do in the Olympics this year?
Not too well considering they can't finish a race.
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What do you call a snowman who cons people?
A snowfake I thought it was appropriate for this time of year. Merry Christmas reddit! You have my permission to tell this at any Xmas parties you attend
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Why are blacks excited for 2016?
Because it is the year of the monkey.
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What did you get for your birthday?
Another year!
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How many good presidential candidates does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Its gonna be a dark four years, now isn't it
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year?
Most weddings happen in June.
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What do recent college graduates and felons have in common?
It takes three to five years before anyone will hire them.
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What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older!birt
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What is the difference between pink and purple?
About forty years.
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What town in the continental United States produces the most alligator pears per year?
Avo, CA does.
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What is the most military day of the year?
A: March 4th.
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Why can hipsters listen to Michael Jackson again?
He's been underground for five years now.
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How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Nobody knows. They always say they'll do it next year.
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How much did Adidas spend in advertising at the World Cup this year?
At least a brazillion dollars...
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Why don't you see Santa for the rest of the year?
Because for the rest of the year he's in prison for breaking into people's houses.
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How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
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What gives a gorilla good taste?
Four years in an Ivy League school!
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What's your new years resolution?
Mine's 1920x1080.
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What's a good gift for someone who has everything?
Meth. Next year they'll have nothing it'll be easier.
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How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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Why do women live on average two years longer?
Because the time they spend parking doesnt count.
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What do you mean, ten?
Ten years Ten months Ten-" "Nine... Eight..."
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What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops?
Justin Bieber gets jealous.
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How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.
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What's the difference between a PC gamer and a console player?
One spends 400 dollars on a console that will play games for years, the other pays 400 dollars for a graphics card that will be outdated in a week
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What happened when the two lovers were watching a scary movie in a year when Valentine's day happened to fall on Friday the 13th?
Oh wait, nevermind. I'm an idiot...*
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What is a bed's least favourite time of year?
Spring break.
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Why is it called finding nemo?
been wondering for years
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How many have you derailed this year?
I replied, "I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track"
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How do you react to the fragrance of a bottle of wine from the year 2000?
Smells like teen spirit.
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What's a closeted Isis fighter's favourite occasion during the year?
ram a man
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How many seconds are in a year?
12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc
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What are your intentions?
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating." ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
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Why are so many people in San Francisco homeless?
They can't afford an apartment because they only make 50 grand per year.
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What are the four hardest years of a police officer's life?
The first grade.
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Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in three years?
I don't have 2020 vision.
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Why do women make such horrible capenters?
Because for years men have telling them that ---------------- is 8 inches long.
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Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
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What's the difference between the 9/11 attack and a dairy cow?
You stop milking the cow after ten years.
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Why is Dubya voting Republican this year?
So he'll only be the second worst president ever.
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How do you keep a blonde busy for years?
Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
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What's the difference between 2015 and Moore's Law?
One's the year of the ram, the other is the ram of the year.
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How many seconds are there in one year?
12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
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Why isn't the Vice President running for the Democratic Nomination this year?
He's Biden his time.
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What do men and tile floors have in common?
if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
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Why are cigarette taxes such a safe bet right now?
One way or the other, there's going to be a lot of smoking over the next four years.
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?
Church.
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What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Hide-and-go-seek winner from last year.
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What are the 5 most terrifying word in the english language?
Five more years of Cameron"
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What's Irish and stays out all year?
Patty O'furniture.
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What should I buy for dinner?
I see frozen peas are cool this time of year. ..you might say that's a corny joke, but it's really not. It's a pea joke.
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What should you not gift a Syrian this year?
A drone
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How many seconds are there in a year?
Twelve
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What is the most environmentally friendly game company?
The three that make Call of Duty; They've recycled their ONLY GAME, every year for the past 7 years.
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What would be different if men got pregnant?
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
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What did the three holes in the ground say?
Well, well, well My grandpa's favorite joke. Took me five years to get it.
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What world athletic sporting event is held every four years?
The Olympigs!
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What is a primate's ideal salary?
A gorillian dollars per year.
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How did it work ?
We haven't spoken for five years".
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What does the Philosophy major say a year after he graduates?
Would you like fries with that "
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Why do presidents have unsatisfied wives?
It takes four years to get an election.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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What do you call a party of communists that haven't seen each other in years?
Soviet Reunion Terrible and painful, I know.
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Why does it take so long for pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at sea.
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What did the blind paraplegic child get for Christmas?
Cancer. Happy new years folks!
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What's your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
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What's life like in the year 3000?
It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?
Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years Pete.
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How many trans women does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but first they have to sit in the dark for a year and then get letters from two electricians giving them permission.
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What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.
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What is the only difference between this year and last year?
A building in Dubai.
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What was Philip Seymour Hoffman's favorite album this year?
Pure Heroine by Lorde.
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What do you ask from Santa Claus this year?
Oh, just 50 dollars, like always.
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I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year...
The sails are going through the roof.
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What's Irish and stays on your back porch all year?
Patty O'Furniture
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Why do rednecks love fall?
Because it's the only time of year they can pump kin.
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How can people get engaged after dating less than a year?
You haven't seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker
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What did Matthew McConaughey say to DiCaprio about his chances of winning the Oscars this year?
It's a fugazi.
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What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
I haven't seen you for a year!
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What hurts more giving birth or being kicked in the balls?
A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed.
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Why why why after all these years?
They say "We were waiting for the children to die."
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What did you ask to Santa Claus this year?
The other one answers: -Oh fifty dollars, like everybody else, why
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Why isn't the Vice President running for President this year?
Cuz he's Biden his time.