Why are you watching Thatcher's funeral?

Mum: "Just to make sure"

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What are a redneck's last two words before dying ?

WATCH THIS !

How do you make Ben Carson yell?

Watch a movie with him.

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Why doesn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mum with that mouth.

Why is Grace never thirsty?

Because she's always drinking from the coup de Grace. (This was my sister's favourite joke when we were kids. Once our mum flipped out on a long car journey because she told it too many times).