Help Jokes

  • What are some good Asian jokes you know?

    I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.

  • Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane?

    Cos iv never heard of an airplane reverse into a mountain... ill help myself out...

  • Which former pop star would be most likely to help deliver a baby?

    Paula Ab-doula

  • How can I help you?

    Me: "Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List !" Agent: "Umm..." Me: "DAMMIT, HE'S STARVING!"

  • What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

    A: Carry loaded weapons.

  • How can working with cow hide help on a first date?

    As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.

  • Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

    Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

  • How do you know it was an Irishman?

    because I had to help him....."

  • What is the deadliest bear?

    Seriously... I don't know the punchline to this, help me out.

  • Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

    Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

  • What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?

    I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...

  • Which wizard can help you tone up your arms and upper body?


  • Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow?

    Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!

  • What did one hand say to the other?

    Help, I think I'm in glove".

  • Why are you late?

    Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

  • What's your emergency?

    Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

  • Why did he refuse help?

    He was in The Nile

  • What's the difference between former House Speakers Hastert and Pelosi?

    Pelosi helped little boys. Hastert banged little boys.

  • How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.

  • What did the newsletter say to the other newsletter when he asked for help?

    Bro sure!

  • What's a man idea of helping with the housework?

    Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

  • How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

    BART: I don't know where my hair starts

  • Why did Olly call the manager for help, outside the store?

    For the watch..

  • What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school ?

    The deputy head !

  • Why is it hard to hold a speech at a nudist convention?

    It does not help to imagine people in their underwear.

  • What's white, digs holes in your garden and helps with headaches?

    A paracetamole!

  • What will Ryan Lochte say if he looses "Dancing With the Stars"?

    I was robbed" Sorry, that just came to me like a stroke of idiotic genius and I couldn't help myself.

  • How do you help someone with ADD or ADHD?

    Send them to a concentration camp!

  • What did Donkey Kong say when Mario asked him for help for some schoolwork?

    I D K"

  • Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up?

    He wanted to double his prophets.

  • What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?


  • What did the french fry say to the police officer?

    Help me! I've been a-salted!

  • What do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus?

    A stand up driver.

  • Why did the 2 contractors hire a pilot to help survey their land?

    Because they really wanted a third's eye view!

  • What is trees' preferred drug?

    Water. It helps them get high.

  • What did the black kid with diarrhea say to his mom?

    Help! I'm melting!

  • How does the redneck help his wife with the dishes?

    He gets her Dawn.

  • What helps keep your teeth together?


  • Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla?

    He didn't want to taco 'bout it

  • What did the pamphlet say to the booklet when it asked for help?

    Bro sure!

  • Why was Doughman the only hero to rise up and help?

    because he was kneaded.

  • How do you turn a computer into a zombie?

    Send it a byte. Kind of lame but I couldn't help myself.

  • What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments?

    A: Luters.

  • Why didn't Cathy keep the extra dollar of change at Chick-fil-a?

    Because Cathy can't help being Truett-ful

  • How do you help a lemon?


  • What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition?

    Financial Ayyyyyyd I'll

  • When someone asks, "How are you?

    I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

  • Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

    He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

  • How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Trick question. Idiots can't screw in lightbulbs regardless of help from other idiots.

  • What does Leia say when she needs help?

    I think I could use a Han here.

  • Why do you keep going back to that fishing website?

    I can't help it I'm hooked.

  • Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb?

    Many hands make light work.

  • What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

    Me neither. Help.

  • What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells?

    I WON this belt buckle, I OWN that truck, and I swear to God I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

  • What do you call a person who helps teach others to fart?

    A tooter. (thanks, honey)

  • What are the two biggest lies in Wyoming?

    My truck is paid for, and honestly officer, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.

  • How do you help a choking pig?

    With the Ham-Lick maneuver of course

  • What'd you do?

    PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You ME: I talked to like 4 people.

  • Whats the last letter in the alphabet?

    somebody help plz I need help on kindergarten project

  • What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick?

    Nah brah, tadah brah!

  • Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?

    To help them find missing sea men.

  • What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?

    This is not a drill!"

  • How can that help in this job?

    You do the math"

  • Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street?

    A: Because she didn't want to go.

  • How can I help you sir?

    One clothes please!

  • Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

    Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

  • What do you call the international program that helps clowns with their personal space problems?

    Clowns Without Borders.

  • What did the dolphin say when three orcas swam by?

    Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here? Please, this is a cry for help.

  • What's the difference between organized crime and the government?

    Only one of them is organized. Couldn't help but post this. Went to see a former mafia boss today, and that joke was told leading up to him speaking.

  • What will Tesla build this christmas to help santa deliver presents?

    An elf driving car

  • Why shouldn't anybody help cats down a tree?

    Because they're stuck up

  • How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

  • What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?

    I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!

  • Why do blondes always die before help arrives?

    A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

  • How can you help a starving cannibal?

    Give them a hand !

  • What's the difference between an M&?

    M and a tiny mute in your tuna sandwich screaming for help? One melts in your mouth, one mouths in your melt.

  • What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?


  • Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan?

    Because Satan has more politicians to help him.

  • Why can't some people help being born Chinese?

    Because there's nothing wong with it.

  • When two ants want to run away and get married, who do they seek for help?

    The Antelopes.

  • Why are shopaholics so hard to help?

    They can be very "clothes"-minded about the problem.

  • How did Hellen Keller break her arms when she fell down a well?

    She was shouting for help.

  • What kind of fish will help you hear better ?

    A herring aid !

  • Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?

    pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

  • Where can I donate to the American Red Cross?

    I would like to help with house #7.

  • What did the horse say when he fell over?

    Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up."

  • How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

  • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?

    A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

  • Why should you hire a drag queen to help clean your garage?

    They know how to tuck away junk.

  • What do Bernie Sanders and the Statue of Liberty have in common?

    Common people sent both of them pennies to help build a foundation for liberty.

  • What do women and Slinkies have in common?

    Not much, but you can't help but crack a smile when see some tumbling down the stairs.

  • Why is it so hard to help deaf people?

    Because they never listen.

  • What do call an ant that helps you with your taxes?

    An account-ant.

  • What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

    Squirrels they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

  • What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish?

    Pick up lines

  • Where did they go?

    Who took them Why aren't we helping to find them

  • What's the difference between a good friend and a really good friend?

    A good friend will help you move house A really good friend will help you move a body!

  • Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?

    She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.

  • When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?

    WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE : I use your toothbrush.

  • What is lemonade?

    A: When you help an old lemon across the street.

  • What is your best sushi-related joke or pun?

    My dad and I are going out for sushi tonight, and he has rescheduled this dinner with me several times for dumb reasons (one night was because he randomly decided to go out drinking instead). Would love to get my revenge by making sushi puns and jokes all night, but Google is failing me--I've only been able to find jokes that either make no sense, or are just not funny at all. Help!

  • What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?

    Help! My pocket's been picked!

  • Why did the music industry talent scout take a course in game programming?

    He thought it would help him with his hit detection.

  • Why do fire departments have dalmatians?

    To help the firemen find the hydrants

  • Why do white girls help fight heartburn?

    Because they're so basic.

  • Which vitamin best helps a pokemon breed?

    PP Up.

  • What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?

    A retail store.

  • How do you help a sick ghost feel better?

    Give it a BOO-quet of flowers!

  • What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman?

    Pls help.

  • Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists?

    A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.

  • What did Han Solo say when Leia asked for help with a crossword clue?

    I don't know

  • What's your answer?

    whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people

  • Why did the TSA hire a dentist?

    to help with the cavity searches

  • What TV personality lives in your phone?

    SIM Card-ashian! (it might help if you say it out loud)

  • How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

    Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

  • What do you call a family of redheads?

    Gingerbread. Edit: This is more of an out-loud joke. So, maybe it'll help if it read: "Ginger-bred" instead.

  • What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

    I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

  • What did you learn in kindergarten today?

    5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.

  • How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

    They just can't help themselves.

  • How do you get a dozen eggs out of a washing machine in less than a minute?

    i'm serious... help.

  • What are your favorite jokes for the Holidays?

    For those of us that struggle with our family perhaps this will help break the ice.

  • How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser's floating fortress?

    Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

  • Why did Einstein refuse to help people fix their cars?

    Because his colleagues would call him the Quantum Mechanic.

  • How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?

    With dog diskettes!

  • What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea?

    Help! I'm melting!