Need Jokes

  • Which is the only insect that needs to wear shoes?


  • What Did The Dying Gambler Say To His Wife?

    10 bucks says I don't need this oxygen tank"

  • How did Canada pick its name?

    There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message. I know i need to work on my execution.

  • How many blind men would it take to change a light bulb?

    Why would a blind man need a light bulb?

  • Why can't you run through a campground?

    You need to RAN through a campground because it's past tents.

  • Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

    Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

  • What's your emergency?

    Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

  • What's black, has bite marks and isn't needed any more?

    Philip Hoffman's belt.

  • How many times do I have to tell you this Mom?

    I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.

  • What does a gun, a fire extinguisher, and a condom have in common?

    Its better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it

  • When do you REALLY know you need to break up with you GF?

    When she starts winning arguments with you inner-voice.

  • Why did Yoda need a stepladder in the chocolate shop?

    Because he was reaching for a galaxy far, far away.

  • What did the baseball manager do when he needed another man in the bullpen?

    He took a can of orange juice from the freezer and made a pitcher.

  • Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon?

    It doesn't need cleaning

  • How many men does it take to fix a women's watch?

    Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!

  • Why is Hollywood full of vampires?

    They need someone to play the bit parts.

  • Why does Kanye West need a billion dollars for ideas?

    Ben Franklin discovered electricity with a kite.

  • Why did the zombie move into a studio apartment?

    Because he didn't need a living room anymore!

  • How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights.

  • What's grey and never needs ironing ?

    A drip dry elephant !

  • Why do you need to take notes during jokes?

    Joke was supposed to be this: Why do you need to take notes during church? because the peoples of noah's day, "took no note".

  • Why is James Bond's favourite bartender played by Michael J Fox?

    He doesn't need to tell him to shake the martini.

  • How do you win the vegetable race?

    You need to get ahead of lettuce

  • Why did he do that?

    Who is she What does that mean When did that happen Why How I need to go to the toilet. - Child, at the cinema

  • Why do you need 200 condoms?

    Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks* *Spends night making balloon animals

  • Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?

    They need space.

  • Why did the hotel manager refuse to rent his rooms out to people?

    He needed places to hide the bodies.

  • What's the difference between my daughter and my wife?

    I need viagra to maintain erection with my wife.

  • How many French people need to defend Paris?

    It isn't known, never tried.

  • How long do black women need to bring the garbage out?

    About 9 month.

  • How many spoiled rich girls does it take... change a light bulb?

    Just one, she yells, "DAAAAADDY, I need a new house!"

  • Why did the baker get smelly fingers?

    Because he needed a poo.

  • What about Asians and Hispanics?

    What they really need is

  • Why do need it at work?

    It's all I do. "WHAT " I said, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

  • When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?

    I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones

  • Why do old men need Viagra?

    Because they are screwing old women!

  • What did the poplar tree say to the weeping willow?

    Hey pal, you just need to branch out more.

  • How many mutants do you need to take over a Ship?

    5 MutantA MutantB MutantC MutantD and Mutiny

  • Who do you call when you need a dock fixed?

    A docktor.

  • What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum?

    A control freak.

  • Why is it NASA has never sent a woman to the moon?

    It don't need cleaning!

  • Why did Jon Snow need a new battery?

    For the watch.

  • Why did I need to bring a shovel on my first date?

    Clearly the chloroform wasn't enough.

  • Why do mice need oiling ?

    Because they squeak !

  • Why did the library book go to the doctor?

    It needed to be checked out it had a bloated appendix.

  • What does NASA stand for?

    Need Another Seven Astronauts

  • Why did the astronomer break up with his girlfriend?

    He just needed some space.

  • Why did the computer need Viagra?

    Because it had a 3.5 inch floppy disk.

  • What do you need to poop in the forest?


  • Why is picture of Jesus better than Jesus himself?

    You only need one nail to hang up the picture.

  • Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

    Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

  • What did the thirsty Spanish pirate say?

    I need some arrrrrrrrrrrgua!

  • Why do I need the life vest?

    Me: If you have to ask, you might not need one.

  • What happens when a feminist and a sociopath date?

    I need a punchline for a joke.....What happens when a feminist and a sociopath date? OK GO!

  • How many feminists you need to change a lamp?

    That's not funny..."

  • What does the twitter bird do when it needs money?

    It goes to Twerk!

  • What's a VCR?

    My 10yo instantly making me feel like the oldest person who has ever lived. I need calcium chews for my brittle bones.

  • What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

    If you have bird flu you need tweetment. If you have swine flu you need oinkment.

  • What's your favorite medical joke?

    I've memorized a lot of jokes from a previous "doctor joke" thread, and need some fresh material!

  • How does a blond cross the road?

    A brunette is on a busy street across from a department store she needs to visit, and is looking for an intersection to cross over when she spots a blonde walking out of the store. The brunette waves and calls out over the traffic noise, "hey there! How do I get to the other side?" The blonde looks confused and calls back, "you ARE on the other side!"

  • Why is Instagram not working?

    but "Why does the world need another picture of you " #instagramnotworking

  • Why did a lightbulb in the candy store go out?

    It needed to get it's fill o' mint.

  • How many..." How many blacks do you need to start a riot?

    Minus one.

  • How many data wranglers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    How many data wranglers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they need a backup.

  • Why are thedonald users not cucks?

    First of all you'd need a girlfriend to begin with.

  • Who's there ! Anita ! Anita who ?

    Anita you like I need a hole in the head !

  • What pillar doesn't need holding up ?

    A caterpillar !

  • Why do we feel the need to order beers in round?

    It's beer pressure.

  • Why can't women explain feminism to men?

    Because they need a man to do it for them

  • How many mexicans do you need to screw a lightbulb?


  • Why was 'EE' acting so funny?

    He needed to 'P'

  • What time do kids need naps?

    A: At whine o'clock.

  • How many Mexicans do you need to change a Lightbulb?


  • Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?

    It doesn't need cleaning.

  • What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?

    Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?

  • Why were the pirates on the ship fighting?

    They needed better anchor management.

  • Why don't women need to go to college?

    Because it doesn't take four years to learn how to make a sandwich.

  • What does supervillain Black Man need to do to escape the crime scene?

    Turn off all the lights.

  • Why does Snoop Dawg need an umbrella??

    Fo Drizzle.

  • What do I need a girlfriend for?

    When the Reddit servers are ready to go down on me anytime?

  • Why do the proms stop after high school?

    Just because I'm an adult now doesn't mean I don't still need to grind on people to Lil' Jon songs.

  • Which college course does a feminist take?

    Trick question! You need brain cells to get into college.

  • Why did the pie go to the dentist?

    It needed a filling.

  • How many black people does it take to change a light bulb?

    Seriously, I gotta figure out how many slaves I need to buy

  • Why did Xmen's Cyclops go to the doctors?

    Because he needed laser eye surgery!

  • Why is the demand for potato chips rising in China?

    They need clean air.

  • Who needs whips and chains?

    Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

  • What's Wayne Static's relationship with drugs?

    I SEE IT!** ooooohh **I NEED IT!**( v=Ps0MfBG5-Uo#t=1m24s)

  • What does the internet need to take when its constipated?

    Google Fiber Note: Randomly came up with this joke today

  • How many bees do you need in a bee choir ?

    A humdred !

  • Why do we need to die?


  • Why does Oregon Ducks need such big suitcases?

    Because they Pac-12 of everything

  • What do you call a gore thriller that can't get enough funding?

    A film that needs morbids.

  • How do you make pickle bread?

    You need dill dough.

  • What are your best family friendly Christmas jokes?

    I need some for tonight.

  • What kind of soldier doesn't need bullets?

    The kind of soldier that's always shooting his mouth off.

  • What does a horny man living in Northern Russia need?

    He needs two jacket.

  • Why do we need art?

    Because the Earth without art is just "Eh".

  • Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail?

    To a re-tail store!

  • Why don't women need a watch?

    There's a clock on the stove.

  • What did the perverted scientist say to his colleague?

    If you need me, I'll be in my Lab.

  • What's the difference between America and Saudi Arabia?

    You don't need a computer to play minesweeper in Saudi Arabia. (I'm not sorry)

  • Why did Adrian Peterson sign with the Minnesota Twins?

    Because they needed a switch-hitter.

  • What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable?

    A fruit doesn't need a wheelchair

  • How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?

    One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.

  • Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

    Fo drizzle

  • Why were you late ?

    Sorry teacher I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !

  • What's black and white that small children no longer need worry about?

    Michael Jackson

  • Why did the tree go to the dentist?

    It needed a root canal.

  • What do diapers and politicians have in common?

    They both need to be changed after a while for the same reason

  • What did Frankenstein's monster say when he was struck by lightning?

    Thanks I needed that.

  • What kind of bait do you need to catch a master fish?

    Super Bait

  • How many nuclear war survivors does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None. People who glow in the dark don't need lightbulbs.

  • Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?

    Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

  • What's the difference between a psychologist and a groundskeeper?

    One you need for a rough patch, the other you need to patch your rough.

  • How many bricks do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

    Just two, but you're going to need a lot of patience and light bulbs.

  • Why did God make man before woman?

    You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

  • What do programmers and taxi drivers have in common?

    They both need a *break* every once in a *while*. edit: this is a three-way pun btw - it works better out loud

  • How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?

    Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.

  • Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

    Crackers always leave crumbs.

  • What's a junkie's favorite videogame?

    Need for Speed.

  • Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?

    Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

  • What would Caitlyn Jenner need to do if she changed her mind about being a woman?

    She would need to reJennerate some balls. What does Caitlyn Jenner do before she goes out Bruce's up for the evening.

  • What room does a ghost not need?

    A living room

  • What did the cook say to the dough?

    A: I "NEED" you!

  • What do Koreans need when they take out the dog?

    Oven mitts

  • Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?

    A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

  • How long do you need to know someone before sharing fries?

    Because I'm about to introduce myself to the girl at the end of the bar.

  • Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?

    A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.

  • What about the aliens from space?

    We need a ROOF!

  • Which room will you be working out in?

    Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

  • What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street?

    You need to cul de sac.

  • Why did the math student fail his exam?

    He needed to sketch the sine and cuisine graphs but only knew how to do cos(-x)

  • What do you need to split a photon?

    A lightsabre

  • What does a pimp do when his garden needs tending?

    He grabs a hoe.

  • Why are men better cooks?

    They only need 2 eggs n 1 sausage to keep a girl full for 9 months

  • How much storage do you need for a mouthful of dirt?

    A Terra Bite

  • What does it mean if a dude looks down and sees four balls instead of two?

    He needs to be very careful, because he may be getting screwed.

  • Why did the guitarist keep his condoms in his guitar case?

    He only needed them after he'd opened it.

  • Why did the doctor go the furniture store?

    Because he needed a stool sample.

  • What's the difference between us and the dinosaurs?

    We don't need an asteroid...

  • Why did the school boy need Viagra?

    He was having trouble getting up in the morning.

  • Who takes the best selfies in LA?

    I need someone good to do mine.

  • Why don't women need watches?

    There's a clock on the stove.

  • Why did the baker's hands stink?

    Because he needed a crap.

  • Why are those two men standing in the spine of that book?

    It must need Osteo-per-o-sis" Love it.

  • Why are hands so important?

    You always need them for thumb finger another.

  • Why was the tired criminal delighted when he was caught by the police?

    Because he needed *arrest*!!!

  • What's your best mattress joke?

    Trying to win a new mattress in a contest and I need a clean mattress joke to win (dumb, I know)

  • What is the difference between the avian flu and the swine flu?

    One requires a tweetment and the other need an oinkment.

  • Whats the last letter in the alphabet?

    somebody help plz I need help on kindergarten project

  • Why doesn't the sun need to go to University?

    He's too bright.

  • Why does snoop dog need an umbrella?

    Fo' drizzle....

  • Which is the favourite Gorilla proverb?

    A fiend in need is a fiend indeed!

  • What's your favourite Pixar film?

    Up, yours " "No need to be like that I was only asking"

  • What did the mailman say when his Mail truck caught fire?

    That he needed to address the situation

  • What else do you need when you use your Batman shampoo?

    Conditioner Gordon.

  • How many Budists does it take... How many Budists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None. The change, if needed, will come from within.

  • Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail?

    Because it needs bailing out.

  • Why did Napoleon return from exile?

    He needed more Elba room.

  • How many French eggs do you need?

    One egg is un oeuf.

  • How about something personal?

    Me: Personally I need a job.

  • What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?

    You only need one nail to hold up a picture.

  • What if we need to hide bodies?

    Me: I love you.

  • What did airport security tell the Dentist?

    We need to give you a cavity search

  • Why do you need to be 35 to be elected president?

    So women don't get elected.

  • Why do we need iron in our diets?

    Because it's good ferrous.

  • How many Germans do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

    One. We're efficient not funny!

  • How many black people are needed to change a light bulb?

    One less now, because the one who tried to steal the light bulb was shot by the cops.

  • What do you call an elephant the circus no longer needs?


  • What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common?

    A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.

  • How many things do you need to change a lightbulb?

    3, a person, a ladder, and another lightbulb

  • Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

    Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

  • What do you call a carpenter who needs fewer nails?


  • What's the difference between a statesman and a politician?

    A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman.

  • How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Need to know ASAP.

  • Why did the cow drink his own milk?

    He needed the cowlcium.

  • Why is the universe expanding?

    It needs more space.

  • Why did the stripper need more insurance?

    She had little to no coverage.

  • How are college students like plants?

    They both need natural light to survive!

  • How many redditors are needed to screw a lightbulb?

    As much people as is needed to screw that lightbulb.

  • Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

    Because he was scared of a Lil' Wayne.

  • What's the difference between a woman and a man?

    A woman will buy something on sale even if she doesn't need it. A man will buy something he needs at full price. Then, what is the difference between a black woman and a black man? The black woman will steal something she doesn't need. The black man goes to jail because you can't hide diapers under a shirt.

  • How many black people do you need to start a riot?

    Negative 1.

  • What's the difference between Swine flu, and Bird flu?

    one requires 'oinkment' and the other needs 'tweetment'. i'm sorry.

  • Why did the dog run in circles?

    He was a watchdog and needed winding.

  • What do you say when you catch a deer with no eyes?

    I have no-eye-deer! (Unless you're a dad, you may need to sound it out)

  • What do you call an Asian guy that always shows up before he needs to?

    Earl Lee

  • How many engineers do you need to change a lightbulb ?

    You can take as many as you want but they will only give you the screwing direction.

  • Why did the baker rob the bank?

    He needed the dough.

  • What is an independent variable?

    Student: A variable who don't need no man

  • Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

    Because he needed his space.

  • What do you call an elephant that no one needs?


  • Why are nuns like a brand new TV?

    You need a knife to get in the box.

  • What are your intentions with our daughter?

    Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

  • How many do I need to get an Xbox?

    Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"

  • What's the difference between a man and a woman?

    A woman wants a man who can satisfy all her needs. A man wants all women who can satisfy his needs.

  • What happened did someone try to break into your house?

    Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk

  • What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?

    You know you need a psychiatrist!

  • What's life like with alchohol?

    Depressing. What's life like without alchohol? Depressing. I need friends.

  • How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Need to know ASAP.

  • How many ants are needed to fill an apartment ?

    Ten ants !

  • Why is PBS asking me for money?

    If I had money I wouldn't need to pretend crow migration habits are good entertainment.

  • Why can't you tell a Philosophy Student a good joke?

    You need to give a three hour lecture and turn in a research paper on "What is 'good' " first.

  • Why don't the French need air conditioner?

    They use 2-in-1 shampoo

  • What do you call it when an Asian composer really needs the bathroom?

    Rover Flows Out Of You.

  • Why do you need patience at the gym?

    Because there is a lot of weighting. *sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

  • What did the A/C unit say when it suddenly turned on?

    Sorry, I just needed to vent"

  • What is the craziest/weirdest/most interesting/most unique/ uncommon phrase you've ever heard ?

    I am working on a project, and its going to revolve around a phrase. I need it to be really out there, yet could be used in everyday life. But honestly just give me anything you got.

  • How many men do you need to defend Paris?

    I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

  • How many Ukrainians does it take to screw a lightbulb?

    You don't need to, they glow in the dark.

  • Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending?

    Because they needed to be ad-dressed!

  • How is everything?

    ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

  • Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal?

    He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal Why won't you just text him

  • Why don't you see many chemists with master's degrees working with acids and bases?

    To really understand acids and bases, you need a pHd.

  • How many bronze players do you need to change a lightbulb?

    None. They can't climb the ladder.

  • Why did the programmer get a job working with big data when his wife died?

    He just needed a little bit of Clojure.

  • Why did the left alt key and the right alt key break up?

    They needed some space.

  • How many teens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Just two, but you need a really big lightbulb.

  • Why did the stressed out zombie go on vacation?

    He needed some time to himself to decompose.

  • Why do we need to go to college?

    Student: Why do we need to go to college? Teacher: So we can get a high paying job Student: Why do we need a high paying job Teacher: So we can get lots of money Student: Why do we need lots of money Teacher: So we can pay off our college loans

  • When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone's numbers again, I text them: "Guess who?

    for 2 weeks.

  • Why are modern women more likely to pursue a STEM degree?

    They need to learn scientific notation to keep track of their n-count.

  • Why are men like blenders?

    You need one but you're not quite sure why.

  • Why couldn't Ron Weasley make a Horcrux?

    Because you need a soul for that.

  • How do you get in with a pretty nurse?

    You need to be patient.

  • How many psychologist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Just one, but the light bulb is going to need to change itself.

  • What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?

    A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.

  • Why do Canadian cops not need to wear body cameras?

    Because Tim Hortons already has cameras!

  • Why do you need a door then?

    I asked him.

  • Why did the Energizer Bunny need to lawyer up?

    He was charged with battery.

  • Why doesn't Superman need a boss?

    OC) He already has supervision.

  • What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick?

    Nah brah, tadah brah!

  • What's the difference between Jesus and his portrait ?

    His portrait only need one nail

  • Why the hell are Zach Braff, Zach Galifianakis & Zac Efron not running around Hollywood as the "Zach Pack"?

    This needs to happen.

  • Who's there ! Courtney Pine ! Courtney Pine who ?

    Courtney Pine tables I need a new one !

  • Why did the PI detective cross the road?

    He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns.

  • Whatcha got, reddit?

    I am not funny and I need to be. I am writing a script for a short show that's formatted like "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. So that means one sentence about the topic, and then one liner joke. Thank you all!

  • Why was the New Englander so intent on looking for his khakis?

    Cuz he needed to pahk da cah in da yahd.

  • What kind of dog always needs a shave?

    A bearded collie!

  • What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

    Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

  • Where are you and Mom going tonight?

    Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.

  • Which football team to you need to connect up your computer?


  • What did the pirate say when he turned 81?

    Nothing, as he didn't exist. The probability of anyone in that demographic reaching their eighties is particularly low, and an active pirate being eighty one years of age is further rendered a statistical impossibility given that a pirate would need to be above a certain threshold in terms of physical ability.

  • Why do black's have white skin on the bottom of their feet and the palm of their hands?

    Everyone needs a little bit of good inside them.

  • What do you need to teach a blonde who never had an accident in 20 years?

    Second gear.

  • What did God say to Noah?

    Make a backup, I need to re-format this."

  • What do you need to make a crystal salad?

    Onions, tomatoes, and a whole bunch of lattice

  • Why did the chess master order a Russian bride?

    He needed a Chech mate!

  • What type of pants do you need to start a car?

    Cargo pants

  • Why does a rapper need an umbrella?

    Fo' drizzle.

  • How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?

    The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".

  • Why do cows need four legs to walk?

    Because they lactose. Moo

  • Why do women need to wear jockstraps while skydiving?

    To prevent them from whistling.

  • How many super sayen do you need to change a bulb ?

    Only one, but it take 4 episodes and Krilin died at the end.

  • What did the vowel say when it had to go to the bathroom?

    I need to do a vowel movement!

  • What is the magic word?

    son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case

  • How awful do I look?

    Him: You always look beautiful. Me: Do I need to put makeup on Him: Maybe just a... *stare* Him: No.

  • Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one?

    If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop

  • How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    They don't need to, they glow in the dark...

  • Why don't women need umbrellas?

    Because it doesn't rain in the kitchen.

  • What did the dragonball z fan say when he wanted to go to the toilet?

    I need to goku the toilet

  • What did the triangle need to do before he could get a loan?

    He needed somebody to cosine.

  • Why did the 3d modeler need back surgery?

    He injured his spline!

  • How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

    I just need some space."

  • How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?

    I don't need a lightbulb when I have the furnace ready.

  • How are men like noodles?

    They are always in hot water they lack taste and they need dough.

  • How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?

    About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.

  • What did justin beiber say to his mom?

    I FOUND MY MICROSCOPE, now all I need is my lotion and tweezers

  • Why the hell did you buy a buffalo?

    Me: I'd rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.

  • What has six eyes but cannot see?

    Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath

  • Why didn't Anne Frank finish her diary?

    She needed more concentration.

  • What does Deadpool need?

    Someone to merc him shut up.

  • What do you need 4 dollars for?

    3's enough. Here's 2." and gives him 1.

  • How many MRAs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Tires need changing too you know!

  • How do you know you're in a modern art museum?

    If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece.

  • What would one call a movie about meth addictions?

    Need for speed.

  • Why did Eddie Vedder take the fiber supplements?

    He needed to have an Even Flow.

  • Whats the difference between a retard and a woman?

    The retard doesn't need to be buggered to think he's special.

  • How many cops do you need to change a light bulb?

    None. They just shoot the room for being black. Credit: donator on some stream said the joke and just wanted to share it.

  • Why does Helen Keller only masterbate with one hand?

    She needs the other to moan.

  • How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

    As mushroom as possible

  • What's the difference between Jesus and the painting of the Last Supper?

    You only need one nail to hang the painting.

  • What type of fish needs to be tuned?

    Tune a fish

  • Why did the sauce need a night light?

    Because he was alfredo the dark!

  • How many girlfriend does a white boy need to shoot a school?


  • Why do the republicans defend the 2nd amendment so hard?

    They need it to shoot themselves in the foot.

  • How many bricks do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

    Just two, but you're going to need a lot of patience and light bulbs.

  • Why do we need to be learned English?

    Hmm.. Couldn't have worded that better myself, Luke"

  • How many dead babies do you need to paint a wall?

    Depends on how hard you throw them

  • What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

    Him: The fact that you're calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

  • How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?

    Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

  • How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

    None, it is a hardware issue!

  • How is credit like cocaine?

    Everyone just needs 1 more line.

  • Why did David Schwimmer need ear drops?

    He had Schwimmer's ear.

  • Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

    You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

  • Why did the football team take the short bus to the game?

    They needed more downs.

  • Why is a good husband like bread dough?

    Because his wife needs him.

  • How many Mexicans do you need working in the kitchen?

    Just Juan.

  • Why does America have so many boasting Republicans?

    Because it needs some bragging rights.

  • What do you need to fix it?

    Asparagus. (A spare, I guess)

  • What did Diane Feinstein say when her water broke?

    Quick we need to get to the abortion clinic before it's too late!

  • How do you ask someone if they're Vegan?

    You don't need to, they'll tell you

  • Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?

    Because its head is so far away from its body.

  • What do you need to drink out of a fruit?

    a STRAWberry. ...I'll go...

  • How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly?

    Just a phew!

  • Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL?

    Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

  • What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?

    What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."

  • What does a stock broker and a gym rat have in common?


  • What sort file do you you need to turn a 1.5 inch hole into a 4.5 inch one?

    A pedo-file.

  • Why don't Arab women need Insurance?

    Because they are already covered.

  • Where do I start cleaning!?

    5mins later* Me: I need a new room.

  • Why did the drunk fall asleep at the wheel?

    He needed a place to crash.

  • What Does A Chinese Man Need When Taking his Dog Out?

    Oven mitts.

  • Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?


  • What did the depressed dolphin say?

    I need a porpoise.

  • Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?

    Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken " Mother: "We need the eggs."

  • Why did 20 blondes stand outside the bar?

    Because you need to be 21 to get in.

  • How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. Hell you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

  • How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?


  • What did you do at preschool?

    3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time. Me: 3-year-old: I need to lie down.

  • Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving?

    Because you only need one arm to drum along..

  • How many Mexicans are needed to change a light bulb?


  • Why did Satan need life alert?

    Because he had fallen, and could not get back up.

  • Why did Dracula need medicine?

    Because he was coffin.

  • What's the difference between training wheels and training bras?

    I need two hands to remove training wheels.

  • Why is French body armour so cheap?

    They only need it for their back

  • How long is the movie?

    I need to know what time to pick her up.

  • What is the difference between a painting and jesus?

    A painting only need one nail to hang

  • Why did the college student change his major from Biology to Physics after his first exam?

    He needed to see if how fast his grade dropped broke any laws of physics.

  • What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

    I need to know before my court date on Monday.

  • Why was Homer Simpson in such a rush to get to the Kwik-E-Mart?

    He desperately needed Apu.

  • What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?

    Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old. Here's my contribution. Have you head of the new drinking game? The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots. What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.

  • What are the most useless items ever invented?

    A: Condoms. If you need one, she's too old.

  • What is the difference between men and women?

    A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

  • What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?

    You only need a nail to hang a painting.

  • How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

    Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

  • Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

    Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool

  • What does a Doctor do when he needs 50 bags full of fruits?

    He goes to Orlando and checks the Pulse.

  • What's the number for poison control?

    Dancing With the Stars is on and I need to make sure this will be enough.

  • Where the hell are you going with those balloons?

    4yr: I need to wee! Me: With balloons ! 4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

  • What did the busy tailor say to the Scarecrow who needed some mending?

    I can't find the twine.

  • Why didn't the mason jar need a paternity test?

    Because the resemblance was uncanny.

  • Why does toilet paper need a commercial?

    Who is not buying this

  • How many plates do you need to draw a picture?


  • What's the difference between LSD and my dad?

    LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

  • What did the mortician say to the corpse?

    We're gonna need more lube.

  • What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

    For swine flu you need "Oinkment", for bird flu you need "Tweetment".

  • Who's there ! Cameron ! Cameron who ?

    Cameron film are needed to take pictures !

  • What's the difference between a terrorist and a feminist?

    The terrorist needs a trigger to blow things up.

  • Why did the flume ride need repairs?

    Because it got waterlogged.

  • What vegetable needs a plumber?

    A leek.

  • What is a Redditors favorite animal?

    A cat because we are lonely... I need friends.

  • Why is the white girl so odd?

    Because she can't even. I'll be over in /r/dadjokes if you need me.

  • What does marriage have in common with a deck of cards?

    In the beginning, you only need two hearts and a diamond. Later on, a club and a spade.

  • Why did the golfer need to buy a new pair of socks?

    Because he got a hole in one!

  • How amphetamine addiction is called?

    Need for Speed.

  • What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?

    Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.

  • How does an ugly guy get the girl?

    All he needs is game

  • What does the unemployed starving man ask his rich baker friend?

    I just need some bread

  • Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

    To stop it from falling out.

  • How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

  • Why did the pirate update his Macbook?

    His matey told him he needed an iPatch

  • Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long?

    I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.

  • What did the doctor say to the Fonz when he got sick?

    You need to take your vitamin Ayy.

  • How many girls a boy need to shoot a school?


  • What personal question is not obvious yet nobody has ever needed to ask anyone?

    Are you vegan?

  • What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

    I need some space.

  • Why are Twilight fans obsessed with it?

    Because they need a fandom that won't make them feel like trash.

  • Why did the students need a ladder to get into school?

    It was a high school.

  • What did the sergeant say to the corporal?

    I need to see your privates.

  • What machine do you need to make a girl fall in love with you ?

    An ATM machine

  • What's the difference between a white girl who likes to tan and a burger?

    They both need to be flipped every 10 mins, but only one turns pink when its done.

  • A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

    Bartender says, "here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!"

  • Why do I need a wingman?

    How's a half-man half-bird freak gonna get me laid

  • How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

    This is a joke I came up with. Q: How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb? A: There's no need to change it when you can easily convince everyone that it still works, but they've gone blind.

  • What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition?

    Financial Ayyyyyyd I'll

  • Who is that walking up my driveway?

    Anxiety in 3...2...1... knock, knock *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."

  • What key do you need to open a banana?

    A monkey

  • Why was the bakers bread so expensive?

    He needed the dough.

  • What would happen if all Chinese people jumped off a chair, all at the same time?

    I don't know either, but you would need a reeeally big chair!

  • Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers?

    They needed a developer.

  • Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

    Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

  • How many times we need to tell you that she died?

    Man: It pleases me to listen that she died.

  • Where do you go if you need to weigh a whale?

    A whale-weigh station!

  • Why do so many college kids need free healthcare?

    Because they are feeling the Bern.

  • What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol?

    Xanax since he's a Bartender

  • How long do you need to put the turkey in the oven for?

    Mine was dead within 30 minutes (credit goes to my Grandma)

  • Why did the developers have to delay their pirate game?

    They needed to give their characters an eye-patch.

  • How many US Congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Oh, please. Like they've ever changed anything that needed it.

  • Why you need that?

    You already have a wheelchair.

  • How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Need to know ASAP.

  • How is my wife doing?

    Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

  • Why did the blonde freeze a pot of boiling water?

    Because you never know when you're going to need some boiling water.

  • Why do you only need one egg in France?

    Because one egg is un oeuf.

  • Why did Kobe Bryant go to New Jersey after he got arrested?

    Because he needed one.

  • What do you call the kids claiming "We don't need no education"?

    Comfortably Dumb

  • What did the poop said to the other poop?

    Poop: Please don't push. It's already tight in here! Poop to Pee: May I go first? Meanwhile, Fart pushing everyone to the sides.. Fart: Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to go!

  • How many good deeds do you need to be called a superhero?

    Because If it's one or less, I'm totally there.

  • What did the English teacher write when she needed to borrow money?

    An AE I.O.U. P.S. Im proud of this one :3

  • Who does Batman call when he needs to cool down his expensive drinks?

    The Just-Ice League.

  • Why didn't Ann Frank finish her diary?

    She needed more concentration.

  • What did the LGBT art teacher tell the kids to use when their projects needed glue ?

    wait for it ... wait for it ...) brucilage !!!!!!!!

  • What do guns and millennials have in common?

    You need to keep them in a safe space if you don't want them triggered.

  • Where do you go when you need a sperm donation?

    Sasha Grey's mouth

  • What does a depressed girl do when she needs to get a lot of work done?

    She takes Sadderall.

  • What was the ancient language Link needed a book to translate in "A Link to the Past"?


  • Why did the witch go commando?

    She needed some better grip on her broomstick.

  • Why does a cow need a bell?

    Because its horn doesn't work.

  • What do Jaqen H'ghar from Game of Thrones and Christina Aguilera have in common?

    They both know "what a girl wants" and "what a girl needs".

  • Why are you telling me this now?

    Vader: Luke: Vader: I need a kidney.

  • Why did the fish's car break down?

    It needed a tuna-up.

  • How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

  • How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Change Why do we need change (It's cool, I go to a Lutheran church)

  • How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Just one but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

  • What do you give to a lemon in need?


  • What are some good fruit jokes?

    My friend is doing a video project for school and needs fruit jokes.

  • When do we need airplane noises?


  • Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat ?

    Cats can't drive !

  • Why do you need all this syrup?

    The government worker says: "That's mollasified."

  • Why did the cellphone go to court?

    Because it was charged with battery.

  • What does Leia say when she needs help?

    I think I could use a Han here.

  • What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend?

    I need space.

  • What colour pants do you need to start a vehicle?


  • How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb?

    Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.

  • What is your best lawyer joke?

    I need some new material for the court house.

  • How do you expect us to loan you money if you can't prove to us that you don't need it?


  • Where did the fish go when it needed an operation?

    To the sturgeon

  • How many Estonians you need to build a house in Finland ?

    Who knows, there is no tax record of it.

  • How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

    It depends how strong you throw them