How many times does 1 go into 0?

As Many Times As It Wants!

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest?

He wanted to see that booty bounce.

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What's the biggest joke of all time?

My life. My entire goddamned life.

Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk?

Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.

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How many SEC football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1. And they get 3 credits for it.

How many NBA finals does Lebron plan on losing?

not 1 not 2 not 3 not 4 not 5 not 6 not 7