Want Jokes
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How many Global Warming nutjobs does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they don't use light bulbs. They live in caves and use no forms of artificial energy because they wouldn't want to be perceived as hypocrites or morons.
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What's the most popular red wine?
We want our land back!!
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What can I get for you, Ma'am?
She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."
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Why do you want to be a librarian?
Me: "I like telling people to be quiet."
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Why do men want to marry a virgin?
To avoid criticism and comparison.
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What do you call a deaf chick in bed?
Anything you want
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Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street?
A: Because she didn't want to go.
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Why aren't these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge?
Don't they want to get better
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Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it's like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!
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What does a girl want more than anything?
Nothing. She is fine.
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Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy?
A: She wanted to stop having grandchildren.
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What do we want!?
No daylight savings!" "When do we want it! " "An hour ago!!!"
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Why do you want to be Jedi?
Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army To keep the peace
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What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy I want to go to Miaaami!"
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Why do French tanks have review mirrors?
Because they want to see the front line too
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Why did God bless Texas?
He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.
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What's a reporter's favorite food?
Ice cream because they always want a scoop!
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How do you count cows?
You use a cow-culator. Or you round them up. Or any other method the commenters want.
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What did the mad cow say to the other cow?
You don't want beef with me
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Why did the man sleep under the tractor?
Because he wanted to wake up oily.
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Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?
They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.
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Why did Chris Benoit quit wrestling?
He wanted to hang with his family.
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How to not get scolded by your parents if you want GTA V?
Mom! I want to play GTA V! Giant Turtles ATTACK V!
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What would you like for your last meal?
Woman: "I don't know, what do you want "
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Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar ?
He wanted sweet and sour pork !
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What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?
Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.
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Why don't women sleep on the left side of the bed?
Because they always want to be right.
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What dog would you want on your American football team?
A golden receiver!
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Why did the campfire turn into a forest fire?
It wanted to get off its ash.
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Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two?
Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!
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Who wants two tickets to the gun show?
I bought the Groupon but can't make it :(
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Why were you speeding?
Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most Wanted."
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Why did the Greeks want Helen back so bad?
Are you kidding She was the most beautiful woman in the world! Can you imagine what her sons would of looked like
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What did Cesar say when the people of Rome wanted to re-empower the Tribune?
Oh, Plebes.
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What do you want to do before you tickle someone?
Test-tickles
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What quality does Elon Musk look for in a woman?
He just wants her to be down to Mars
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What do a trickster and a multiplicative inverse function have in common?
They both want to pull 1 over on you.
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Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team?
Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.
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Why do teenagers want to work for Intel?
Core i3, i5, i7... ican't even! Edited from: >They can't even
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What did the hungry computer programmer say?
All I want is one byte. Hell, I'll even take a nibble.
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What is the main reason people are voting for Brexit?
When asked if they want to be economically joined with Greece, all they can say is "eeeeuuuuuuu"
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Why didn't the Avatar want to fight the Fire Nation?
Because they gave him Aang-xiety
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Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
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What will they ask Jared of Subway in the prison shower?
Do you want a 6 or a 12 inch one?' I heard this joke on Bill Burr's podcast.
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What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
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Why do laxatives always say 'Works gently, overnight'?
What if I want something that works violently right now "
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What's the last thing you want to hear when blowing Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson"
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How did Isis move from 5th wanted terrorist group to the most wanted terrorist group?
They cut a head
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Why did the pro football player from the last-place team drop pieces of hamburger into his soup?
He wanted to know how it felt to take part in a Soup-er Bowl!
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Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
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When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.
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Why did the commuter want the carpool driver to take the bridge?
To avoid car-pool tunnel!
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Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
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Why did the chemist join the Pentecostal church?
He wanted to speak in tungsten.
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How are babies and strippers alike?
They're fun to play with but I wouldn't want to take one home
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Why do they want to change the faces on dollars but not on coins?
Because the only constant is change.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic
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Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.
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Why did the sasquatch go on a diet?
He didn't want to be Obeast.
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What did a blind french guy said he wanted for christmas?
All I want for christmas is yeux"
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What hurts more giving birth or being kicked in the balls?
A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed.
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How do you want me to label this stone armchair?
He said, "No man, clay chair."
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Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk!
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What did the toaster say to the bread?
I want you inside me.
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How much is a gram?
Me- "Depends on what you want" Teacher- "Out, just get out"
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Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
A: Catch.
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Why did the artists stay away from the irritable blacksmith?
Nobody wanted to draw his iron.
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Who wants ice cream?
Uta Hagen daz.
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Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not 3: It's full of dead people.
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What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party?
You're not owld enough.
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Why did the student study in an airplane?
He wanted a higher education!
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What do you want for your birthday this year?
Vanessa: I want a divorce! Kobe: I wasn't planning on spending that much this year. Here's another ring.
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What kind of cheese?
Me: "American..." Her: "Want it toasted " Me: "I'll just make it myself."
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Why did the cultists adopt a dead child?
They wanted to raise the dead.
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What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
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Who Wants to be a Millionaire Me: I'm stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What's your friend's name Me: Wikipedia.
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Why is China a communist country?
Because nobody wants to hold an erection.
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What' chu want fam?
The Vietnamese person replies, "How do you know my name "
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Why would anyone want to study the Earth and how it rotates?
I guess that some people just want to see the world turn
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Why do you want to run for President?
Because walking wouldn't burn enough calories.
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What's the difference between and out-law and an in-law?
One's wanted.
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What N-word do you never want to call a black man?
Neighbor!
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Why did the chef invest in chicken and cow bones?
He wanted to buy stock options.
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Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
crowd goes wild B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES *crowd goes nuts B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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Why doesn't cancer let anyone in a music store?
It doesn't want anyone to find The Cure.
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Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?
Because she wanted to sleep like a log.
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Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It didn't want to get stuck in any cracks.
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What did the Australian grandmaster say to the banker, when asked what he wanted to exchange?
Check, mate!
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Why did the Englishman wear a tie to his vasectomy?
Because he wanted to look mptnt
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What is 50 Cent's guiding philosophy?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
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Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?
She forgot to delete her Bowser history
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What does DNA Helicase and a 16 year old boy have in common?
the both want to unzip your genes. if you didnt get it: https://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index qid=20121209104938AAKihOC
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What do Albanian kids want to be when they grow up?
Italian
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Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first ?
Pupil: I want to know how it ends !
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Why do men die before their wives?
Because we want to!
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What do you call an arab who wants to be European yet keeps practicing his beloved religion, islam?
A turk.
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Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
A: Because she wanted to mail a litter.
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Why are Aspirins and Paracetamol white?
Well, you want them to work, don't you?
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What's the last thing you want to see on the reddit frontpage?
This joke. PS: You don't think so Prove me wrong.
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Why did the nose run?
It did snot want to be late
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Why is Superman wanted by the police?
He is wanted for being the Man of Steal.
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Why did the priest smoke weed in the cemetery?
He wanted to keep his spirits high.
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Why did the man throw his watch out the window?
He wanted to see time fly!
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What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...
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Why hang Wanted posters in the post office?
We're not crime-fighting crusaders. We're buying stamps.
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Why'd the dog sit in the shade?
He didn't want to be a hot dog!
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How many times does 1 go into 0?
As Many Times As It Wants!
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Why did Santa want a divorce?
His wife made sure he only came once a year.
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Whose mother likes rap music?
Yo Momma! My eight-year-old daughter wants to see how many upvotes she can get. Ten-year old brother is interested in downvotes.
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Why did the farmer run through his fields with a steamroller?
Because he wanted mashed potatoes!!!!
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Why was the hippo afraid to go skiing?
He didn't want to get hippothermia.
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Why did the book join the police?
He wanted to work undercover.
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Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow?
Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!
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Why did the cowboy want a Weiner dog?
To get a long little doggy.
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Why did the alcoholic chop off the little boy's legs?
He wanted his *Kidneys*.
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What did Meghan Trainor say when she got mugged?
Please sir, I don't want any treble.
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Why are pills white instead of black?
Because you want them to work don't you
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Why Did The Hedgehog Cross The Road?
Because he wanted to see his flat mate.
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Why did the mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Because he wants tequila. Literally.
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Why can't the incredible hulk find a girlfriend?
Because all the girls know he just wants to smash
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What does bread do when it wants to get married...?
It e-loaf-es! :)
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What's the difference between a race car and a woman?
One costs a lot of money to maintain, keep running, and give you the results you want. The other has four wheels.
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Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist?
He wanted to improve his bite.
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What did Jared Fogle say when his wife told him she wanted kids?
Me too*
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What do you call a Russian wearing a head scarf, a balaclava and a helmet?
Anything you want. He can't hear a thing.
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Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the No Bell Prize.
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Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
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Why are there no awards for excellence in betas?
Because no one wants to be the master beta tester.
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What is the difference?
What its the difference between a quarter and a guy? Neither gets had when you want tail
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What department do you not want to end up at in a corporation run by cannibals?
Human Resources.
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Why don't you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable. CW: So Me: I don't want to encourage that.
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Why did the Time Traveler give Julius Caeser a BJ?
He wanted to go down on history.
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Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk?
A: He wanted to work overtime.
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Why do girls prefer to drive auto cars, instead of manual?
Because they want the D.
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What do vegetarian zombies want?
Graaaaiiiiinss!
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Why do hipsters drink their Jello?
They want to have it before it's cool.
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How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing?
HEY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!
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What part does Woody Harrelson want to be remembered for most?
Harrelson's woodie.
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Why did the dog jump into the sea?
He wanted to chase the catfish!
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How badly?
ME: I want you checking thesaurus in a panic haphazardly
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What word starts with "n" and you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor
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What did the zombie farmer say he wanted?
Grrraaaaiiinnns...
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Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears?
I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!
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Why did the M&M 's go to college?
Because they wanted to be smarties.
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What do you say when you don't want anymore Heineken?
NeinIcant
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Why did the fisherman want to go fishing in Alaska?
Just for the halibut.
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How many black women does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them-----no one wants to be the charcoal-colored one.
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Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then.
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What does Garry Newman want to be when he grows up?
Garry Oldman.
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Why was the fish swimming backwards?
It didn't want to get water in its eyes.
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Why are British anti-smoking PSA's often made by homophobes?
Because they want to prevent people from bumming fags
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How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who wants to know?
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What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a "world's best dad" mug. 4: You told me not to lie.
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What do mechanical keyboards want for dinner?
Chicken ticka ticka ticka masala
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What did my wife say to me?
I want a divorce
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What did the bed say to the sleepy man?
I want you inside me"
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What joke is the darkest?
Fire away please! I want to hear it all!
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Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent?
The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!
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Why do churches ban Wifi Networks?
Because they don't want to compete with an invisible connection that actually works.
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What are some good Asian jokes you know?
I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.
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What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?
A: Turkey.
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What they say: Want a bite of my sandwich?
What I hear: How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth
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What did the homeless man say to the woman who asked if he wanted 20$?
Yeah.
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What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes?
Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.
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Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
He wanted to go bear foot.
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What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just...sobbing...don't want the kids to suffer ME: Eels
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When does a tree want less?
When it's sycamore.
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What do you call an essay in a flash drive???
who wants 2 try?
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Why didn't the mathematician want to go to the beach?
He didn't want people to see his tan lines.
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Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
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What do you want to have next?
Me: a vasectomy
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Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet?
They never want to log off.
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How do we not know what women want yet?
There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.
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How strict is the "I licked it, it's mine" policy?
There's some things I've licked that I don't want.
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Why did the cowboy adopt a Weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy
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Why do athletes like Sports Illustrated Magazine so much?
There's nothing athletes want more to see in a magazine than sports and illustrations.
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What do condoms and taxes have in common?
Republicans are against them and democrats want more for schools.
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What's the one thing pacifism and Hinduism have in common?
Those who practice them don't want any beef with people.
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Why did Fetty Wap chose that as his stage name?
Because he wanted to make $50K per day from ad revenue.
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What did the baby cigarette want to be when it grew up?
a Drag Queen
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What did Picard say when Riker asked him what kind of Chinese food he wanted?
Make it Tso's Number One."
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What do you call a woman who wants lots of compensation?
Sue.
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What did the man say to the bee who wanted to learn the alphabet?
Nothing lmao bees cant learn.
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Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?
They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.
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How many psychiatrists does it... ...take to change a light bulb?
0, the light bulb has to want to change itself.
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Why did the customer choose T-Mobile?
Because he wanted the worst cellphone service in the world.
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What'd she want?
Me: nothing. Mgr: Where're all the donuts
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Why was the programmer unhappy at his job?
He wanted arrays. It had to be reiterated several times before it was sorted out.
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Why was the monkey attracted to the paint?
Cuz it was yellow and appealing! Sorry if this is bad. Seen too many of the same jokes here and I wanted to add an original joke.
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Why isn't North Korea democratic?
Because Kim Jung Un doesn't want a public erection
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What's something that Slaves have and rich people want?
Nothing!
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Why did the police arrest the energizer bunny?
He was wanted for several charges of battery
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What's the one thing a woman wants most in this world?
Nothing, she's fine
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What's the Easter Bunny's favorite song?
Don't you want some bunny to love"
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Why did the sheep jump into the lake?
A: He wanted to take a ba-a-a-th.
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What did Jesus want when he appeared on a piece of toast?
Miracle whip.
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What's something that the inventor doesn't want, the buyer doesn't use, and the user doesn't know about it?
A casket
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Why was this in the trash?
Me: 6: Me: It was too good. I didn't want to make your sisters jealous.
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Why are women so afraid of looking stupid?
Because they don't want the world to know!
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Why does my van have windows?
I want to make my victims feel like they have a chance.
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Why does your sister have yeast and shoe polish for breakfast ?
Because she wants to rise and shine.
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Why did the midget get kicked out of the putt putt course?
because he wanted to play minijerkoff.
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What would be a terrible name for a new beer?
Q: What would be a terrible name for a new beer A: "Mondays"...because no one would EVER want to buy a case of the Mondays...
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What did the Morman say when asked what kind of wives he wanted?
Brigham Young"
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What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES! Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast
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Why did the turkey walk across the road twice?
He didn't want to be called chicken
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Why did the otter want to work at NASA?
So he could go to Otter Space.
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Why didn't Count Dracula get married?
He wanted to remain a bat-chelor.
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What did the Giant say after he ate Tonga?
I want Samoa!'
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How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet - me watching my kids Christmas pageant
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How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
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Why don't you transport onions by boat?
You don' want your boat to be full of leeks.
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What size box of condoms do you never want to buy?
The family size.
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Whats a joke so bad its funny?
I just want some really hillarious jokes, preferably long ones
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Why do you want to work in a bank Alan?
Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it sir.
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How do you sell a chicken to a deaf man?
pause....) WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN??!! (SHOUTING)
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What's the difference between mlk day and st. Patrick's day?
Everyone WANTS to be irish on st Patrick's day.
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Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?
Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).
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What's the last thing you want to hear from a surgeon dissecting someone?
Oops
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Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road?
Because they wanted to be taken to the other side.
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Why are librarians so lonely?
They're always by them shelves Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold
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How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?
A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.
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How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb?
How many psychiatrists dose it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change.
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Why are they using two ply toilet paper in Russia?
Because authorities want a carbon copy of all matters.
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What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?
Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?
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What do you call an antelope that wants a big wedding?
Cantelope
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Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?
Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."
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Why did Ahmed take his clock to school?
He wanted to see time fly
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What is the 25th letter of the alphabet?
The son answers, "Y." "Because I want to know!"
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Why doesn't democracy work in china?
Because no one wants to hold an erection.
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Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A:('He wanted cold hard cash!')
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Who is it?
Police: Police. Me:What do u want Police: To talk. Me: How many r u Police: 2 Me: Talk to each other.
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Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
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What does a tree do when it wants to go home?
It leaves.
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What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?
Yes, I'm completely sure.
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Why did the cautious gambler never go camping?
He didn't want to stake his tent.
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What did the busy port master say to the rowdy pirates who wanted to dock?
I don't have time for your ship."
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted people
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What do you call a man with no arms?
Anything you want. He is 'armless
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What did the rich socialite's parrot say?
Polly want a cracker with cavier please!
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What do you tell a woman who wants a larger outlook on life?
Tell her to stand next to the kitchen window
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What did the Chili's waitress say about her kidnapped daughter?
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.
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Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ?
Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
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What did the bartender say to the angry speaker?
We don't want any treble
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Who are we?
Women!" "What do we want " "We don't know!" "When do we want it " "Now!"
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Which do you want to hear first?
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.
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Where are you going to keep them ?
Stan: In the bathroom Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath Stan: Blindfold them !
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Why did batman fill his freezer with water bottles?
Because he wanted just ice.
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Why are Vampires Democrats?
They want Gore in 2000.
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What did the diver say to the oyster?
I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!
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Why did the walrus go to the tupperware store?
Because he wanted a tight seal.
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Why did the jellybean go to school?
A. Because he wanted to be a smarty
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Why did American football player Michael Vick want to see the film "Top Gun"?
He heard the film had dogfighting scenes
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What did you do before you were married sir?
A: *with teary eyes* whatever the hell i wanted to do ...
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What did the Baskin-Robbins manager say to the employee that wanted to date a co-worker?
Don't poop where you scoop.
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What did David Bowie want for Christmas?
Carrie Fisher.
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Why do you want to leave your current job?
My boss is a total idiot "It says here you're self-employed " Yes that's right
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What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key.
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What's the difference between MLK day and St. Patty's day?
On St Patty's day everyone wants to be Irish.
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Why did the Mexican food go to counseling?
He wanted to taco bout his problems
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What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student?
A philosophy student asks you you want fries with that
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What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal?
nice watch"
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What do ghosts watch if they want to relax?
Skelly-vision!
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Why did the sweet toothed scientist blow up his monkey?
He wanted some Rhesus pieces.
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Why did the man open a rooftop bar?
He wanted to have drinks on the house.
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When I see a "How am I driving?
sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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Why did the girl take a ruler to bed?
She wanted to see how long she slept.
-
Why did the vampire go to hospital?
He wanted his ghoulstones removed.
-
Why wasn't Thor invited to his brother's surprise party?
Odin wanted to keep it 'Loki'.
-
Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle?
It wants to keep it's Stockholm!
-
Why are millionaires bad at swimming?
Because they drown at their own wealth Edit: I got down voted :( I thought of that in my head and just wanted to share it
-
Why didn't George like driving through tunnels with people in his car?
He didn't want to get carpool tunnel syndrome.
-
What's the difference between HP computers and HP in a video game?
One of them you want to see a lot less of.
-
What do history teachers make when they want to get together?
Dates!
-
Why did the mexican man throw his wife off a bridge?
He wanted tequila.
-
Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk?
Because they don't want the siren to die.
-
Why does the dog go to the gym?
He wants to get ruff
-
Why did Serj Tankian cross the road?
because he wanted to...
-
Why does my computer always ask me if I'm "sure" about stuff?
Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
-
Where's the best place to go if you want a little head?
The 2016 Olympics.
-
Why didn't the Eskimo want to go hunting?
I don't know, guess he just wasn't Inuit.
-
Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?
Kids: WE DO! YAY!
-
Why do men, on average, die before women?
Because they want to.
-
What do free masons do when they want to make a frame-by-frame remake of "Back to the Future"?
They Hire 'Em A Biff!
-
What did the police officer want from the criminal store?
Just ice.
-
How many ninjas are in this room?
As many as want to be!
-
Why did the man drink two beers with his lunch?
Because he wanted to drink two beers with his lunch.
-
Who wants to hear an appendectomy joke?
Removed
-
Why was the blonde wearing condoms on her ears?
Because she didn't want to get hearing-AIDS.
-
Why did the bear run around his bed?
He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
-
Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket?
Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
-
Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen "
-
Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?
OC It was an obvious faux paw. Credit: My wife's a dork.
-
Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?
push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you."
-
What do they call number 17 in black jack ?
The stepmother, because sometimes you want to hit her, even though you shouldn't
-
What's the difference between a communist and a feminist?
The communist wants equality
-
What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty?
There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.
-
Why did the dog sit in the shade?
It didn't want to be a hotdog. *ba dum tsss *ba dum tish idk
-
Why do they call them "S'mores"?
Because you always want another one!
-
Why are aussie bogans and necrophiliacs the same?
They both want to crack open a cold one.
-
How many more times will I watch "A Walk To Remember" tonight?
As Mandy Moore times as I want to.
-
Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food?
He wanted to raised stewed beef!
-
What does Stevie Wonder call his money?
Wonderbread. Anyone want to be my friend
-
Why did Mr. Steaks decide he would take his wife's surname?
Because he didn't want his daughters to be called Ms. Steaks.
-
What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern?
No, seriously, I want to know.
-
What did the Flower say to the Bees?
You know you want it, Honey"
-
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
1) Get away or I'll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
-
Why did the cowboy get a miniature dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy.
-
Why did the philanthropist learn how to subtract?
Because he wanted to make a difference. My first original, time for open mic!
-
What do the NBA and the presidential election have in common?
There's only two candidates, and nobody wants either of them to win!
-
Why don't seagulls fly in the bay?
Because they don't want to be bagels.
-
Why did the farmer take a bale of hay to bed?
He wanted to feed his nightmares.
-
What does Professor Xavier say when he wants to be tickled?
tummy, my X-Men!
-
What did Oliver Twist say at the slave auction?
Please sir, I want some moors.
-
Why do husbands typically die before their wives?
They want to.
-
Why did the poor man sell yeast?
He wanted to make some doe!
-
Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation?
He didn't want any beef.
-
Why do people say that Canadians always want to establish that they're Canadian?
As a Canadian, this offends me.
-
Why do people say "To be frank..." when they're about to be brutally honest?
WHAT IF FRANK LIED! WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!
-
What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear ?
Anything you want as he can't hear you !
-
What's the 4th grade essay in the Detroit School District?
What I want to be *if* I grow up.
-
When does a horse talk on the phone?
Whinny wants to!
-
What do all Amish women want?
2 Mennonite.
-
Why did the rich guy crash his car?
He wanted to see how the Mercedes bends
-
Want to hear my pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
-
What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
-
Why didn't the blond want to use her phone while using the bathroom?
She was afraid someone would steal her IP address.
-
Why do people want attention of 1000 pies?
because it's their sen-pais
-
Why did the black guy wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.
-
Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons ?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train !
-
What does cows say when they want someone to move?
Muuuuuuuuuuuuhve...........
-
What did Moses say when he wanted to see through his door?
Let my peephole grow!
-
Why did the optimistic Chinese guy wish he had multiple personality disorder?
He wanted to be the Changs he wanted to see in the world.
-
What do you want with 30 cents?
Here's 20 cents."
-
Why did the skull not want to go to prom, but still did?
He didn't have any *body* to go with But he still really wanted to bone.
-
How do bros want their drinks?
NOICE!!!!
-
What'd the Mexican say when he was upset?
I don't want to taco bout it.
-
Why do they want to relocate the Sistine chapel in Boston?
Because it's more than a ceiling
-
What does your wife/girlfriend want more than anything in the world?
Nothing, she's fine.
-
Why did the algae end up at school?
She wanted to buy an algae bra.
-
What does Asian Matthew Mcconaughey want for dinner?
All rice, all rice, all rice
-
Why did Germany hold a ceremony for the Greek bankruptcy?
They wanted to give credit where credit was due.
-
Why did Misty want to sleep with Brock?
She saw his Onix harden.
-
Why was Ygritte happy she didn't marry Jon snow?
Because she didn't want six inches of snow all year long.
-
Why does Axl Rose have trouble getting his car fixed?
Because no one wants to feel his serpentine.
-
What do you call Protestants who want to save a dime?
Econoclasts.
-
What do French people say when they don't want to see someone ever again?
Au nevoir.
-
Why did the ninja go to college?
He wanted to be a ninja-neer.
-
What do a teenage boy and a dog have in common?
They both want to bury their bone.
-
Why are the "sans" family of fonts so serious?
No one wants to be comic sans.
-
When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that?
Now it would be for the prescriptions.
-
How many tickles does a Japanese school girl want?
Tentickles.
-
Why did Eve want to move to New York ?
She fell for the Big Apple !
-
Why did the chicken cross the road half way ?
He wanted to lay it on the line !
-
Why didn't the dog want to go into outer space?
Because he was scared of vacuums!
-
Why did the opera singer go sailing?
They wanted to hit the high Cs.
-
Why did ygritte break up with Jon Snow?
She didn't want six inches of snow all year long.
-
Why did Chris Brown stop having long-term relationships?
He wanted 2 hit singles
-
Why did the bully go to beauty school?
A: She wanted to tease hair
-
Why did the chicken go to the car dealership?
she wanted to trade the coop for a sedan..
-
Why did the hipster complain about winter in July?
He wanted to do it before it was cool.
-
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday?
a-CAW!
-
What do you call a psychic midget wanted by the police?
A small medium at large.
-
What is your best casino joke?
I work in a casino and want to hear your best one. Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player? A canoe sometimes tips!
-
What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I'd prefer human
-
How many ladies have you slept with?
she said. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10 " She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..." I said, "Zero."
-
Where does King Kong sleep?
Anywhere he wants to.
-
Why did the vampire go crazy at Burger King?
He saw all that catsup and wanted a transfusion.
-
How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?
One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.
-
Why did the boxer bring a bar of soap into the ring?
The referee said he wanted a clean fight. :D
-
Why did Thoreau build a house?
A: Because he wanted to be walled-in.
-
What did the one explorer say to the other when they arrived in Northern Canada?
Eh, you take this one. I don't want Nunavut. PS: I realize it's a double negative.
-
Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
The man responds "If I'm going to be im-po-tant, I want to look im-po-tant!"
-
What to Russian Zombie Athletes want?
GAINZZZZZZ
-
What do you call a guy who wants to join the mile high club by himself?
A high-jacker.
-
What did the rich bald man want before he died?
Heairs.
-
Who wants gold?
amuse me first...hahaha
-
How many women have you slept with?
she asked. I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten " "Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed. I said, "0."
-
What do you call a philosopher that kind of wants to play soccer?
Socrates
-
What's the difference between a repost and a bullet?
I don't want to put a repost in my mouth
-
Why did the rabbits go on strike?
They wanted a better celery!
-
What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
A: Wait at the buzz stop.
-
Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists?
A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.
-
Want to hear a chimney joke?
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
-
What's that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day?
I want to know her secret
-
When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask "who's in charge of tossing the salads here?
Then I frown & order the soup.
-
Why shouldn't you ask if someone's a Texan?
Because if they are they'll tell you, and if they aren't you don't want to insult them.
-
What Type of Fruit Wants to Run Away and Get Married but Isn't Able to?
Cantelope.
-
How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?
Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
-
Why did the Frenchman not want two eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
-
When two ants want to run away and get married, who do they seek for help?
The Antelopes.
-
How is your day going?
G- Pretty well, Do you want me to walk you back? B- walk me back? G- to the friendzone you just tried to escape.
-
What does a white man never want to call a black man that starts with "N" and ends with "R"?
Neighbor" thanks bugz
-
Why did the mother cat pick up her kittens?
She didn't want to litter
-
What did Chad Kroeger say after leaving a concert of Justin Bieber?
I want my Nickleback....
-
Why did a scientist disconnect his doorbell?
because he wanted to win the No-bell prize!! Sorry, I ll walk out
-
Why are you taking so long to order?
Diner: I can't decide whether I want heartburn or nausea.
-
Why did Frankenstein's monster give up boxing?
Because he didn't want to spoil his looks.
-
Why were there only 49 contestants in the National Ebonics Beauty Pageant?
Nobody wanted to wear the sash that says "Idaho".
-
What do you do when you want to hold a bunny?
You grabbit.
-
Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
She wanted to lay it on the line!
-
Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?
He wanted to have a birthday potty!
-
Why did Hydrogen hurt Iron?
Because he wanted to see him Sulfur.
-
Why did the monkey put a bone in his mouth?
He wanted to smoke a joint!
-
What do you call a hump-backed cow that always wants to be the center of attention?
A drama-dairy.
-
What is mostly white, dull, and wants to be popular?
This post.
-
Why did the burgler take a bath?
He wanted to have a 'clean getaway'.
-
What do you call a Cloyster that wants to learn the move Rain Dance?
The clam before the storm!
-
What are you planning on doing on MLK day?
Her: I plan on sleeping all day Me: ...Why Her: I want to have dreams too
-
What did the yoga teacher say when someone asked if she wanted to leave the party early?
Namaste
-
Why don't dirty commies shower?
Because they don't want to wash away their Marx.
-
Why did the kid steal the fan?
He wanted to be cool.
-
What's the difference... between a (nationality, ethnicity, etc you want to make fun of) man and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
-
What do you call a blind, mentally handicapped, quadriplegic?
You can call him whatever you want it's not like he's going to get up and do anything about it.
-
Why did the Irishman only want 239 beans in his soup?
Because one more would be too farty.
-
Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet ?
He wanted to see the floor show !
-
What do you call a deaf quadriplegic?
Whatever you want
-
Why did the chicken cross the "net" ?
It wanted to get to the other site !
-
Why did the lawyer go to the tailor?
He wanted a law-suit
-
Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat?
She wanted to wash up on shore
-
Why do politians hate the term "mudslinging"?
They don't want to get their hands dirty.
-
Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?
Because it was More ER Tea.
-
Why do Republicans use rulers?
They want everything to be straight.
-
What can a yakuza do for living when he doesn't want to hurt people?
tattoo master
-
Why did the lady and her attorney seek a scarlet frock as part of a settlement?
A: Because she wanted a red dress for her grievances.
-
What's it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
-
Why do hipsters drink coffee so quickly?
They want to finish before it's cool.
-
Why did your sister jump out the window ?
Because she wanted to try out her new spring suit
-
Why did the feminist sign up for football?
She wanted to be the center of attention.
-
Why did the guy cut a hole in his carpet?
He wanted to watch the floor show. And why did he cover it back up ...He realized that he didn't want to watch the "hole" show.
-
Why was the bumble bee wearing a yamaka?
Because he didn't want to be mistaken for a WASP
-
Why did the astronomer hit himself on the head in the afternoon?
He wanted to see stars during the day.
-
Why did the cookie smoke weed?
Because he wanted to get baked.
-
Which of my girlfriends do you think is the prettiest?
What I actually heard was "Do you want a fight "
-
What did the little girl's parents want for Christmas?
A better son.
-
Why did the internit paint his computer screen in little black and white squares?
He wanted to check his e-mail.
-
Why did the Yield Sign want to divorce the Stop Sign?
He caught her in a 4-way
-
Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?
Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!
-
What did the CPU say to the RAM?
Sorry to cache you out but I want the data closer. The RAM replied: you're right, "life" is too short.
-
What do waiters want most after dinner?
The tip!
-
What DOESN'T Bruce want for Christmas from his ex?
A Krismas goose.
-
Why did the hotel refuse hospitality to the Navy?
They didn't want their rooms covered with seamen.
-
Why did the big pig want to go on stage?
There was a lot of ham in him.
-
Why did the recruiter hire a Spider ?
Q: Why did the recruiter hire a Spider ? A: Because he wanted to hire a Strong "Web Developer".
-
Where do you want me to put my clothes?
She says, "On top of mine."
-
Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job?
What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses
-
Who are you?
You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record
-
What do women and Spotify ads have in common?
They're both annoying and want your money.
-
Why did the carpenter join the army?
Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant
-
Why did the gamer start working out?
He wanted to finally get respecced.
-
Which whiskey should you buy if you want to dance all night?
Wild Twerky!
-
Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his Vasectomy?
If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.
-
What cake wanted to rule the world?
Attila the Bun.
-
Why doesn't San Antonio have a pro football team?
Because then Dallas would want one too.
-
What do you want on your tombstone?
Pepperoni and cheese.
-
What's the difference between a radical and a moderate Muslim?
A radical Muslim wants to cut your head off, but a moderate Muslim the radical Muslim to cut your head off. Bye.
-
Why did it take the computer so long to decide whether it wanted to buy an Egyptian cotton sheet?
Because it had too many threads.
-
Why are all early birds Catholics?
Protestant birds don't really want a Diet of Worms.
-
Why do failing college girls always screw their professors?
Cause they want the D.
-
Why divorce now after all this time together?
Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.
-
Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair?
A: She wanted to rock and roll
-
What do you call a drill on the North Pole that just wants to get to know people?
An icebreaker
-
What do you call a midget fortune teller, who is wanted by the law?
A Small Medium at Large
-
Why did the dog go into the water?
Because he didn't want to be a hot dog.
-
What did Dodi Fayed say to his driver?
Want to go out with me and Di tonight?
-
Why did the suicidal man cross the road?
Because he wanted to play chicken.
-
Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
He wanted to work overtime.
-
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a mummy ?
Something you wouldn't want to unwrap !
-
Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie?
It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that.
-
Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors?
Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.
-
What does a guy want more than anything in the world?
It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.
-
Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?
A: So he could look like his mama.
-
What's the difference between a gardener and a pimp?
A gardener doesn't want his hose to have kinks.
-
What do Robin Williams and Joan Rivers want for Christmas?
A. Betty White.
-
How many sociologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
-
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat ?
Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated !
-
Why didn't the parrot want the black guy to buy him?
Polly want a Cracker.
-
What does a bird say when it wants revenge?
Toucan play at that game!
-
Why would I want to quit smoking?
Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer
-
What do you call someone you want to be stepped on by?
A crush crush
-
What word that begins with "N" and ends with "R" do you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor
-
How does a nihilist propose to his fiancee?
Even though my existence is meaningless I want to spend the rest of it with you."
-
Why would anyone ever want to fly Virgin Airlines?
The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn't go all the way.
-
Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?
A: She wanted to be a nurse.
-
Why do Polish people keep empty bottles in their refrigerator?
For people that don't want anything to drink
-
What does Harry Potter say when he wants a cigarette?
Tobaccio
-
What do you call a Snorlax that wants to win a race?
A cab.
-
Why do you want to join the Secret Service?
Me: "It's a secret." Job interviewer: "You got the job."
-
What seemed to be the parrots problem?
Prolly wanted a cracker!
-
Why did the Ape jump off the building?
He wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of!
-
Why did Mitt Romney feed his cows money?
A: He wanted rich milk.
-
Why did Walt Disney visit a mechanic?
He wanted to get his Car tuned
-
Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer?
He wanted to have webbed feet.
-
What did the dragonball z fan say when he wanted to go to the toilet?
I need to goku the toilet
-
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
Never mind...it's tearable
-
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
-
Why do single men live longer than married men?
Because they want to.
-
Why did the communist Chinese government outlaw Viagra?
They didn't want the people to have free elections.
-
Why didn't the cargo ship want to leave the bay?
Because it was a freight!
-
Who Wants to be a Millionaire messes up while reading the question?
A Regis Error.
-
Why did the black man try to break into jail?
He wanted to be with his family.
-
Why did the poor art collector only buy miniature paintings?
He wanted more Monet in his wallet.
-
Why was the chessmaster interested in foreign women?
A: He wanted a Czech mate.
-
What all girls want?
All girls want 70 things in their life 1. Shopping Rest are "69"
-
Why do carcinogens want to give us cancer so badly?
Because they're trying asbestos they can.
-
What Did The Hard Drive Get When It Wanted Data But Didn't Have The Resources?
A Cache-Advance
-
Whats the difference between a kink and a fetish?
A kink is something put in a hose, a fetish is something she wants to put in your hose.
-
Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?
Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
-
What is the worst thing you want to hear from a doctor giving you a prostate exam?
Look ma, no hands!"
-
What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty?
There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.
-
Why did Chandler play the blues as loud as he could?
He wanted to harm monica.
-
Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi?
Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
-
Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right
-
When's the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk?
A: Anytime he wants to go.
-
Why did the kids tell jokes to the mirror?
They wanted to see it crack up!
-
What does Delia Smith say when she wants to fight a road?
Let's be avenue.'
-
When does a horse neigh?
Whinny wants to!
-
What do crack addicts sing while caroling?
All I Want for Christmas is my two front teeth!
-
What's the hurry?
Me: Nothing officer - Just didn't want to slow you down. Cop: I was pulling you over. Me: Well I get that. Now.
-
Why did a seal go to the bar?
Because he didn't want to go clubbing.
-
Why did the antelope go to her sisters house?
She wanted to see her nephewlope
-
What's angry most of the time and wants you to stick something hard in it?
An outlet
-
Why did the boxer sprinkle cocaine on his exercise rope?
He wanted to practice the rope-a-dope.
-
What N word do you not want to call a black man?
Neighbor
-
What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?
Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."
-
What colour did Matthew McConaughey want his house to be painted?
All white, all white, all white.
-
Why are some musicians so antisocial?
Because all they want is tonics and dominance.
-
What do you want?
The beam replies: "Oh, just give me a moment."
-
What is irony?
When the last person you want to see is the last person you see.
-
Who would want a "Semi" tattoo on their colon?
Not that there's anything wrong with that....
-
What kind of work out do parrots have on leg day?
SQUAAATS! ...Polly want a cracker.
-
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
I want my quarter back!
-
What's a hillbillies favorite holiday? Halloween.... Do you want to know why?
Because they like to pump kin.
-
What's do Christians and politicians have in common?
They pick and choose what they want to believe.
-
What meds are you on?
I want some.
-
Why did Micheal Jackson want to be a camp counselor?
He would give Merit Badges for pitching a tent.
-
What does a code-switching trilingual Russian say when he wants to increase his bovine supply?
Mas cow.
-
Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates?
They hate plaque buildup.
-
Why did the IT guy want to be an astronaut?
So he can find router space.
-
Why do you want to be buried at sea?
Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
-
Who wants to go to Florida with me?
I heard the clubs are to die for.
-
What do you call not wanting to reminisce?
No-stalgia.
-
What word begins with "N" and ends in "R" that I wouldn't want to call a black guy?
Neighbor.
-
Why did Yewtree arrest the husband-to-be at the celebrity wedding of the year?
They wanted to make sure he'd never been a groom.
-
Why won't Caitlyn Jenner go to Taco Bell?
She doesn't want another Bell not accepting her for who she is.
-
What did the worm want to do when he grew up?
He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
-
What do you want to work on today?
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet
-
What did the slave master say to his slaves when they didn't want to make shoes anymore?
Just Do It"
-
Why does the Easter Bunny hide eggs?
Because, he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.
-
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to *want* to be screwed in.
-
Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator?
He didn't want to see the salad dressing.
-
Why do Europeans hate American food?
Europeans don't want to die yet. Unlike Americans who don't wanna diet.
-
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
Cause he wanted to get along little doggie.
-
Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla?
He didn't want to taco 'bout it
-
What did the cow say to the slaughterhouse worker?
You want some beef
-
How do you want to handle your mother in law?
Do you want her incinerated, embalmed or buried -All of them, lets not take any chances
-
Why did the cows cross the road?
They wanted to go to the mooo....vies
-
Whats the last thing you want to see when youre shagging the wife?
The husband.
-
What did my roommate say when I asked him if he wanted to watch the movie The usual Suspects?
Is it about black people
-
What are your best corny jokes?
I want them all! "What's brown and sticky?" "A stick."
-
Why did no-one want to play a game with the leopard?
He was a cheetah.
-
What word starts with N and ends with R and you never want to call a black guy?
Neighbor
-
When you're cold inside, where do you stand?
You usually want to stand at a corner, they're around 90 degree's xD
-
What did the fancy cat say when he wanted to leave?
Le meow
-
Why do the versions of Windows jump from 8 to 10?
Because no one wanted Windows Nein!
-
What does DJ Kahled say when he wants another taco?
Another, Juan
-
Why won't the holocaust survivor vote for Bernie Sanders?
He doesn't want to feel the Bern.
-
Why did the bird join he air force?
He wanted to be a parrot trooper!
-
Why did the rapper scream into his Easter basket?
He wanted to give a shoutout to his peeps
-
Why are there so many dogs at the pound?
Because no one wants them.
-
What kind of bug wants to buy lawn turf?
A gras shopper.
-
Why are black people afraid of high fives?
They don't want to be left hanging
-
Why did the boy take the ruler to bed?
He wanted to see how long he slept.
-
Why is the all-seeing eye the symbol of the occult?
Because they want us all under super-vision!
-
What is it about glow sticks that makes me want to dance in a field wearing fairy wings?
If only I hadn't taken so many drugs I'd know this.
-
Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!
-
What do you do when you want to golf in a thunderstorm?
Hold up a 1 Iron. Not even God can hit a 1 iron.
-
What's the difference between Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger?
Tom wants his balls illegally deflated on the field and Ben wants that off the field.
-
Who wants to hear a Star Wars Spoiler?
Darth Vader is Luke's dad.
-
How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just keep complimenting it and get mad when it doesn't want to screw.
-
Why did the redneck drive his pickup truck over the edge of a cliff?
He wanted to test out his new air brakes.
-
Why should you be sure to pay your exorcist on time?
You wouldn't want to get repossessed!
-
What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him?
Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.
-
What Did Superman Tell Superwoman?
Do you want to be in my Crib Tonight (Kryptonite)
-
Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago?
Because 'Illinois you!
-
Why did the fork go to the party?
It wanted to have a good tine.
-
Why did the hipster decide to drown himself in the tributary?
He didn't want to be mainstream.
-
Why don't you want to take a Pokemon into the bathroom?
Because it might Pikachu.
-
What did Mr & Mrs Rockmelon say to their daughter when she wanted to run off with Johnny Watermelon?
A: But you cantaloupe!
-
What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip?
Recalculating route.
-
Why is he crying?
Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison M: What 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
-
What do you call a bird who wants to have a different personality?
An alter eagle!
-
What do I want to do to your body?
I don't know. Identify it, I guess.
-
What's the last thing someone wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson."
-
How about a dirty one as well?
Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath. With Bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? (Punchline hidden so you don't accidentally read)
-
Why did Julius Caesar want to quit politics?
All that backstabbing was too much for him.
-
What word starts with N and ends with R and you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor
-
Why do dogs chase their tails?
A: They want to make ends meet.
-
How to scare parents?
Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."
-
Who hurt you?
unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.
-
Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay!
-
How are teenaged boys like the enzyme helicase?
They both want to unzip your genes! credit goes to Hank from CrashCourse on Youtube :)
-
Why doesnt Kermit like elephants?
They always want to play leap-frog with him.
-
What do you call a 20 year old spaceship that whines all the time and never wants to run properly?
The Millenial Falcon.
-
How can we build this?
A business major asks, "How can we finance this " A liberal arts major asks, "Do you want fries with that "
-
What is 61 to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.
-
Why should you separate something into 62 parts if you want to make it tiny?
Because sixty-seconds=minute.
-
Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up?
He had a lot of aspirations.
-
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Because he wanted to... "Get along little doggy"
-
Why Republicans cannot swim as freely as they want?
Dems!
-
Why did the black man wear a suit to his vasectomy?
If he was going to be Impotent he wanted to look impotent. (important)
-
How do you tell when a girl really wants you?
When you put your hand down her pants you think you're feeding a horse.
-
What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr. Day and St. Patricks Day?
Everyone want to be Irish on St. Patricks Day.
-
What is the similarity between tight rope walking and an old lady giving you head?
You don't want to look down.
-
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy
-
Why did the lady tell her doctor she had breast cancer?
Because she wanted to get it off her chest.
-
What is the best Vitamin for friendship?
B1. Because no one wants to be friends with a guy in a metabolic coma due to a thiamine deficiency.
-
How are new marriages just like LOST?
The Significant Others just want babies.
-
Why did the pharaoh retire?
Because he did not want to be part of a pyramid scheme
-
What does Moses do when he wants a beer?
He brews!
-
Why doesn't Aaron want to get out of the water, even though he is hydrophobic?
Because he enjoys living in denial.
-
Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couplesfight and read high quality humor columns?
To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.
-
Why didn't the hipster want to see the Saint John River and the Penobscot River?
They're two Maine streams.
-
What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?
How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)
-
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people
-
Why do people leave letters at the football ground ?
They want to catch the last goal-post !
-
Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space ?
He wanted to find Pluto !
-
What did the depressed pimp want for his birthday?
to be alone with his thots
-
Why'd the crazy guy jump out of the hot air balloon's basket?
He wanted to escape from the ballooney bin.
-
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
-
Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with toads?
She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.
-
Why was Roy Rogers upset when he fell off his horse?
He wanted a Trigger warning.
-
What is the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
On Saint Patrick's Day everybody wants to be Irish.
-
Who do fish listen to when they want to hear some dubstep?
Krillex.
-
What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson."
-
Who wants to hear an awesome knock knock joke?
Okay, you start.
-
Why did the spider land on the keyboard?
She wanted a new website.
-
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?
Then I wonder if it knows something I don't.
-
How are your step mother and a 17 in the card game 21 similar?
You know you can't but you really want to hit it.
-
Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?
He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
-
What do you call a deaf pokemon go player walking into traffic?
Anything you want they're not going to hear you.
-
Why do Italian men grow moustaches?
They want to look like their mothers.
-
What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?
Do you want to be black, or white
-
Why were the ancient Greeks considered so brave on the battlefield?
They didn't want to leave their brothers behind.
-
What do all Amish girls want?
Two Mennonite
-
What does a redneck and yeast have in common?
They are both "in-bread" Downvote me to hell if you want. This is my only joke.
-
What does a radical, democrat and republican have in common?
They both want to make money off of other people's work!
-
What's being in love feel like?
You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway Almost as good as that.
-
When O. J. Simpson's kids wanted to go out and play, what did he tell them?
Go axe your mother."
-
What did the deer say when the sportsman asked if he wanted to go hunting?
I'm game.
-
Why did the artist put on a show of horse paintings?
He wanted to mount an exhibit!
-
What do bees do if they want to use public transport ?
Wait at a buzz stop !
-
What are some easy pranks I can set up in his cubicle?
I don't want to go TOO over the top, and I definitely don't want to actually damage anything. But he has a pretty good sense of humor.
-
Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box !
-
What do you want to be when you graduate high school?
No more than 25" from Gary Muledeer
-
Why did little Jimmy cross the road?
Because he wanted a good view of the front of a moving Porsche. RIP lil' Jimmy
-
Why didn't the table want to be sat on?
He wasn't a charitable guy
-
What do you call a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, Chris Brown doesn't want you getting involved in his personal life
-
Why did Leonardo di Caprio want Steve Harvey to host the Oscars?
He'd get it.
-
How Pokemon go came to be Customers: "Niantic, can we have 151 Pokemon?
Niantic: "147 Pokemon You want to have 145 Pokemon ! What are you going to do with 142 Pokemon !"
-
Why did Santa bring his sack with him when starring in the pantomime?
He wanted to have some stage presents.
-
What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party?
I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.
-
What do you call a deaf person who can't lip read?
Anything you want!
-
Why did Mubarak and Gaddafi get dehydrated?
They didn't want water from the Arab Spring.
-
When Chris brought over his musl*m girlfriend to meet the family, what did they say?
Nice scarf! Must be cold where you came from! Do you guys want coffee?"
-
What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
Join the Hare Force.
-
Why does the boss put clocks under employee's desk?
Because he wanted them to work over-time
-
Why did the boy want to see a thunder storm in Greece?
Because Greece lightening
-
Why did the chicken cross the road half-way?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
-
What do selfies make me want to do?
Shoot myself
-
Why is Princess Peach named after a fruit and Princess Daisy named after a flower?
Because wanting to sound good is their OBJECTion
-
Which perfume do you use ?
It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."
-
Why do Apes like tall buildings?
They want to climb the heights of the business world!
-
When is being an "Alpha" not a good thing in the dating world?
When you are a type of radiation. No one wants someone who can't penetrate well.
-
What are the four words that you least want to hear, after having blown Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson."
-
Why did the bait-shop owner take an apprentice ?
He wanted to be a master-baiter.
-
What do Jaqen H'ghar from Game of Thrones and Christina Aguilera have in common?
They both know "what a girl wants" and "what a girl needs".
-
What do you want for dinner?
4: A bucket.. *Googles better school districts
-
How do you get rid of pubic lice?
Seriously, it is not a joke. I really want to know.
-
What do we want now!?
When do we want 'em? Time machines!
-
What do you want for Christmas?
Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend
-
Why don't parrot's like black people?
Because Polly wants a cracker.
-
What do clouds want to be when they grow up?
Thunderstorms
-
What's the difference between Polio and 9/11?
The government actually wanted to stop Polio.
-
What do we want? Low flying plane noises! when do we want em?
Nnneeeeeeeeyyyyyoooooowwwww
-
How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who wants to know? .... saw this joke in today's
-
Why did the man get a job as a horse handler?
He wanted stable employment
-
Why is Klezmer music so addictive?
Once you Hava Nagila, you'll want another!
-
What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce?
I did not see that coming.
-
How are women like snow?
They seem really cool at first but then you're sick of them after a couple days and no one wants to be driving when they're on the road
-
What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's day?
Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.
-
Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles?
So he could break out.
-
Who's there ! Aladdin ! Aladdin who ?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you !
-
Why did the man marry a monkey?
Because he wanted a PRIME-MATE! sorry ...sorry twice if this is an old joke
-
Why would I want to talk to your baby?
On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
-
Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !
-
Why'd the robber take a bath?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.
-
Why did the french man put a bomb on his kitchen floor?
Because he wanted to see Linoleum Blownapart.
-
What do you call an 800 pound gorilla?
A: Anything he wants to be called.
-
What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day?
St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.
-
Why was the orphan so successful?
When he was told to "go big or go home," he only had one option. (I've posted this joke here before, but I believe I've been the first, so if you recognize it as a repost it's because I wanted to tell it again!)
-
Why did the baby kangaroo not want to grow up?
It was a wannabe wallaby!
-
How 'done' do you want your burger?
I can do "well-done" all the way to "CPR might actually work."
-
What did C say to E?
She wants the D.
-
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke holes that it's often poked before?
A key.
-
What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court?
Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.
-
Why did the devil buy so many shoes?
He wanted their soles.
-
When Lil John goes to a hotel and they ask him if he wants turn down service, does he refuse?
That's all.
-
Which one do you want?
I said I'd take either/oar.
-
What did the cake say to the knife?
You want a piece of me !
-
Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest?
He wanted to see that booty bounce.
-
What do you call it when an Eevee (Pokemon) evolves into what you want with no interruptions?
DirecTV (Say it aloud)
-
Why don't Muslims fight each other often?
Cause they don't want no beef Edit: I'm going to crawl back into my hole now
-
Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads?
A: They want to measure their intelligence.
-
Why don't married men live as long as single men?
They don't want to!
-
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ?
He wanted Mark Antony !
-
How many psychologists does it take to change a tire?
Just one, but first the tire really has to want to change.
-
Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket?
He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
-
Which fruit wanted to run away and get married, but couldn't?
Cant-elope :D
-
Why did the blonde keep a empty carton of milk in the fridge?
A: In case she wanted black coffee.
-
Why do people say "get well soon"?
Why don't you want me to get well now
-
What do you call a spider that wants to overthrow the government?
An anarchid.
-
What do you call a man with potatoes in their ears?
Anything you want, He can't hear you!
-
Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?
Me: picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle "Independence."
-
What do you call Mike Tyson without any arms?
Whatever you want
-
Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan?
Because Satan has more politicians to help him.
-
Why do SJWs hate dentists?
Because they want to make teeth straight and white.
-
How did you lose your last job?
I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.
-
Why did the 2 contractors hire a pilot to help survey their land?
Because they really wanted a third's eye view!
-
Why don't house painters wear wedding rings on the job?
Nobody wants to marry an underemployed alcoholic.
-
Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into.
-
Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus?
A: He wanted to sing higher!
-
Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors?
Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.
-
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
-
Why did The Walrus go to a Tupperware party?
He wanted to find a tight seal.
-
Why do you want your lawyer to be a U2 fan?
Cos they're always pro-Bono
-
Why was Thor disappointed by his birthday party?
Because it was more Loki than he wanted.
-
Why don't men want to go down on a woman first thing in the morning?
have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese?
-
Why would anybody ever want to visit New Brunswick?
I hear their bowling alleys are pretty nice.
-
Why did the army's craftsman enact a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy?
He didn't want any glaze in the military
-
Who wants to be a Millionaire?
on Zimbabwean TV.
-
Why did the spud lover set his alarm for 8:00?
Because he wanted to get a-po-ta-to clock. to make joke more apparent
-
What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams?
Shoot for the Tsars.
-
What if the Bible had a major typo and the Devil was really after our SOIL?
Maybe he just wants to grow some pot plants.
-
Who wants to play war?
I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out of me!
-
What gift do you want?
HUSBAND: "An English girl." After a month, wife returns.. HUSBAND: "Where is my gift " WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"
-
Why did the crayon want to be a phone?
Because it wanted to be a texta.
-
Why are there only 49 'Black Miss America' contestants?
Because none of them want to be Miss I-da-ho
-
Why did the milk cow want the role of the camel in the nativity play so badly?
She thought she was a dromedary.
-
What do North Korea and my girlfriend have in common?
Neither want me coming inside them.
-
What do you call a group that only wants a Ninja?
Goad-diggers.
-
Why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces?
For the chance to gain some experience in the service.
-
Why did Toronto host the (hockey) World Junior Championships?
They wanted to see what a winning team looked like.
-
How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: So who wants to know Why do *you* want to know Are you a cop
-
How many engineers do you need to change a lightbulb ?
You can take as many as you want but they will only give you the screwing direction.
-
What do you call a banana you want tomorrow in spanish?
Baana
-
Why did the girl sit on her watch?
She wanted to be on time.
-
Why didn't the motorcycle want to go for a ride?
It was two tired...
-
Why did the farmer feed his cows money?
A: He wanted rich milk.
-
Why did the cowboy die with his boots on ?
Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket !
-
What did the parrot say on Independence Day?
Polly wants a firecracker!
-
What does an Ent want?
A bad birch.
-
What did the pot-smoking alien say when asked what toppings he wanted on his sammich?
Ayy lil' mayo.
-
What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar?
He raised Cain.
-
Why did the 280-pound girl marry the 400-pound man?
She wanted a big wedding.
-
Why did I join Twitter?
Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family so I wanted to branch out.
-
Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants ?
They always want to play leap frog with him
-
Why don't many Greek men move to other countries?
They don't want to leave their brothers behind
-
How many cops do you need to change a light bulb?
None. They just shoot the room for being black. Credit: donator on some stream said the joke and just wanted to share it.
-
When will you be bioavailable?
Because you are my drug and I want you in my body...
-
Why does Steven Hawking hate the band Muse?
Because he can't stand their song Uprising, it wants him to rise up and take the power back.
-
How do you understand women?
I really just want to know.
-
Where will the 400 pound gorilla sleep?
Wherever it wants to. R.I.P. Harambe
-
Why did the buddhist refuse novocaine when he went to get a tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
-
Why did the duck leave the dancefloor?
He didn't want to get down on it.
-
Why did Greenpeace throw Wolf Blitzer in the ocean?
they wanted to restore the CNNomies
-
Why didn't the boxer cross the road?
He didn't want to be part of a bad punch line.
-
What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear ?
Whatever you want, he can't hear you..
-
Why didn't Harry Potter want to date Hermione?
Because he likes to Hit it and Quidditch
-
What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?
A cuddlefish! (corny I know)
-
Why don't dentists display their awards?
Because they want to prevent plaque build-up.
-
Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?
Because no one on earth wants to buy it.
-
Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone cut off?
Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!
-
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.
-
Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?
It wanted to play squash.
-
What do you call a movie producer that gives you more detail than you really wanted?
TMI Burton.
-
Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?
because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)
-
How many livers do people have?
I want to make sure I have a backup before I put this thing on Ebay.
-
Why did the groom ask his bride to wear white?
Because he wanted his dishwasher to match the fridge and stove
-
What is enjoyed if it is wanted and hated if its not?
Democracy
-
Where did the seaweed... Where did the seaweed find a job?
In the "Kelp Wanted" section of the want-ads.
-
Why Does the Pope wear Boxers?
He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.
-
What do you call a grandpa who couldn't understand why his email wanted to upload his attachment to share it?
An old man yelling at the cloud
-
Why does the Fonz dress up as an insect when going on a journey?
Because he wants to get from ayy to bee.
-
What did Sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner?
Watson the menu
-
How did Chad Kroeger lose a quarter?
Everyone who bought his tickets wanted their nickelback
-
What is the last thing you want to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?
I'm not Willie Nelson' Credit: old joke via: Norm Macdonald
-
What's the difference between my daughter and my driveway?
I don't want to plow my driveway
-
What do an Iraqi baby, an American president, and a homesick Brit visiting Jerusalem all want?
They all want either pees, peace or peas in the middle east.
-
Why did Loki want the tesseract?
to get rid of his tesserection
-
What did Goku want to be when he was growing up?
a SAIYANtist!
-
Why did the man tear a page out of the calendar?
He wanted to take a month off.
-
How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it?
Anyway you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.
-
What were the political views of the librarian?
She wanted open borders.
-
How many children do I want to have?
Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
-
Why don't Germans play games with new players?
Because they don't want to wreck Danubes.
-
What is it called when Batman wants to leave Church early?
Christian Bale.
-
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
-
Why should you not let your kids go to Korean Discos?
Because you don't want them hanging around Parks at night.
-
Why did the man turn on the lights in a depression clinic?
He wanted to lighten the mood in such a dim atmosphere.
-
What do ISIS want for Christmas?
Turkey, apparently.
-
What did the guy from Northern Canada have to say about the place?
He wanted Nunavut.
-
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA.
-
Why did the worm want to learn kung-fu?
so he could flip the bird
-
Which kind of ink do you put in your computer's printer?
Black Red or Iced Iced Ink Well yes you do but I didn't want to mention it.
-
Why do they ask you if you want paper or plastic at the supermarket?
Because baggers can't be choosers.
-
Why did they produce a reality show about midgets?
Because they only wanted a little drama.
-
What do you call a 5 year old kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor All they wanted was books but instead they got magazines
-
What the hell are you going to do with 30 dollars?
Why do you want 10 dollars
-
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
A: He wanted to see a chicken strip.
-
Why did the stoner take his wife to court?
He wanted to get joint custody.
-
What's the last thing you want to hear right after you get done blowing Willie Nelson?
I ain't Willie Nelson."
-
What is a paranoid man's favorite food?
Who wants to know?
-
Why is that?
Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.
-
Why does WalMart have so many handicapped parking spots?
Because they want to have some available to customers too!
-
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
-
Why does the army want to only recruit married men?
Because they don't want a man lost!
-
Why was the man intently watching the bowl of snickers?
He wanted to see who would have the last laugh. back to work...
-
Why did the English teacher hire a midget geography nut as his lawyer?
He wanted someone who understood and case.
-
What was the man running around ?
from my 5yr old son Because he wanted to catch some sleep.
-
What do you call the deaf man with no limbs?
Whatever you want.
-
Why did your sister feed money to her cow ?
Because she wanted to get rich milk.
-
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it's the first thing they say when I approach them.
-
What do you call a mentally ill person without arms and legs?
Call him whatever you want, its not like he's gonna get up and do anything about it.
-
How many black women does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them-----no one wants to be the charcoal-colored one.
-
What do you call a green man sitting on my porch?
My n*gger and I'll paint him whatever color I want.
-
Why is Sia not in her music videos?
Because she doesn't want anyone to Sia
-
Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?
Because he was Snowd en! (according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)
-
What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?
A bachelor will go to the fridge, sees nothing he wants, and go to bed A married man will go the bed, sees nothing he wants, and go the fridge!
-
What did the vulture say when the airline agent asked if he wanted to check his luggage?
No, thanks, it's just carrion...
-
Whats the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
One of them is actually wanted!
-
Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law?
I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.
-
What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What is your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.
-
Why did you drop the baby?
Well Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby so I wanted to see if he did.
-
What does a woman want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
-
Why do Newfies want Quebec to separate?
So it's a shorter drive to Toronto!
-
Why did the Frenchman not want two eggs?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
-
What did the Pilipino orphan boy say to the linguist who wanted to adopt him?
I'll tagalog!
-
How do you want your mother-in-law buried or cremated?
Hmm No risk do both.
-
What does NASCAR stand for?
Non-athletic-sport-centered-around-rednecks (I heard this forever ago and wanted to share. Sorry if it happens to be a repost.)
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Why did the late man stand on the clock?
He wanted to be on time.
-
Why did the Fall break off from all the other seasons?
Because it wanted autumnomy
-
Where are the colored printers?
I said "Dude... it's 2014, you can use whichever printer you want"
-
Why did the groom want his bride to wear white?
He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.
-
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
-
What did the car say when it's front wheels were stolen?
I don't want to go anywhere. I'm two tired.
-
Why did the sailboat start exercising?
It wanted to get into ship-shape. HA!
-
Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate?
He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.
-
Why did the reporter only dunk chips in the middle of the dip?
He just wanted the inside scoop.
-
Why did the man put his car in the oven?
Because he wanted a hot rod.
-
What's the different between E.T. and a refugee?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home
-
Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long?
because then it would be a foot!
-
What's the difference between a refugee and E.T?
E.T learned English and wanted to go home.
-
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Depends what you want it to change into...
-
Why did the blonde feminist want to be cremated when she died?
She thought a traditional burial would be too bio-degrading.
-
What am I?
I start with a v and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I? I'll post the answer in 10 minutes.
-
When the zombies want Twisties! take a look on this zombies viral video, serious feedback please :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=vdRiMBPbQ8
-
Why did the toilet want to start a rebellion?
Because he was a slave to the cistern!
-
Who should you pray to if you don't want the airplane that you are on to get diverted?
Diversion Mary
-
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
Why did the balloon go near the needle He wanted to be a pop star.
-
Who wants to get enraged and go persecute Christians?
No one.
-
Why did John Wayne get a weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy.
-
Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain?
Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
-
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let's not rush things, OK
-
Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
-
Why didn't the scarecrow want dessert?
Because he was stuffed!
-
Why did the mechanic go to art school?
Because he wanted to learn how to make a van go!
-
Why did the boy take a ladder to school?
He wanted to go to high school.
-
What do you say if you want someone to hold the lift?
Ans: Hodor
-
How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?
Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.
-
Why did the blonde make love in the microwave?
A: She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.
-
Why don't emus ever finish all the food on their plates?
They don't want to be ostrich-sized!
-
What does a muslim man call a woman he wants to sleep with, but can't due to religious reasons?
Harambae
-
What do Steam users and Reddit admins have in common?
They don't want to pay for mods.
-
What did the parrot say when he saw a duck?
Polly want a quacker!
-
What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it?
Irrelevant.
-
Why didn't Lebron go to college?
he didn't want to show up for the finals
-
Why are there only 49 Miss Black America contestants?
Because none of them want to be Miss. Idaho
-
What did the cat do when he didn't want to watch the movie?
He paws-ed it!
-
Where do you want to go?
So I click on the 'Home' icon and it starts all over again.
-
What does a spider want to be when he grows up?
This is really good guys...brace yourselves..........) A web designer.
-
Why is Waldo always wearing striped clothing?
because he doesn't want to be spotted
-
Why don't you want a turkey at your thanksgiving dinner?
Because it'll gobble up everything.
-
What do we want...?
LOW FLYING AIRPLANES!" When do we want it "NEEEEOOOOOOOOOOW"
-
Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?
Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning Mr. Mayor." Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.
-
Why are Canadians given only a half hour for lunch?
They don't want to have to retrain them.
-
Why did the barracuda want to hire the clown fish's anemone?
Because the barracuda believed that "anemone of my enemy is a friend."
-
Why did the old man buy his wig at the thrift store?
Because he didn't want toupee.
-
Where's my Spiderman costume?
I want to wear it to the science museum "In your closet, why " 9: DUH. To attract radioactive spiders!
-
What do we want?
Race car noises. When do we want them? Neoooooooooooooooooooooow
-
What does a guy drink when he wants to go out with a girl?
DATERADE
-
Want to hear a joke about construction?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
-
Why didn't the cow want to go skydiving?
the steaks were too high.
-
Where do you go if you want to find a very funny joke?
Apparently, not here
-
What's the word that starts with an "N" that no one wants to call a black person?
Neighbor.
-
Why doesn't Jesus Play Hockey???
Because he doesn't want to be nailed to the boards.
-
What do you feed a 600 pound Gorilla?
Anything it wants!
-
Why did the leper chase the leopard?
Because she wanted the D. (I dreamed this joke last night. Not bad for a dream joke.)
-
What do you call a yak that wants to talk to you about a network marketing opportunity?
A cognac
-
Why does no one want to work in the yard with a carpenter?
Because they take a fence to that.
-
What are your expectations?
Me : Job. Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job Me : Salary
-
How many sycophants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many do you want?
-
What do you call a noisy Chinese dog?
How-Ling (my dad wanted me to post this)
-
How does an Alabama girl know shes in for a crazy night?
Her daddy says he wants her in bed by ten.
-
What's the difference between fishing and dating?
In one you don't want to jerk the hook, but in the other you don't want to hook the jerk.
-
What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants?
E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.
-
How do you sell a deaf guy a frog?
DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FROG? rip.
-
Where does every craps player want to go when they die?
Paradise.
-
What do Chinos say when you take them off?
This was incredibly clever when I first thought of it but then I did some research...the closest they get to being Italian is that George Clooney was a "pioneer" for them: Reading that makes me never want to wear them again.
-
Why does vampire Superman want to go out?
Because he doesn't want to be around the crypt tonight. (you can tell i made that up)
-
Why did God make women last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do
-
What do little pigs want to be when they grow up?
Garbage collectors.
-
What do you call a gorilla that got shot even though it didn't want to do anything wrong?
King Kong
-
Why are pilots so honest?
Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. "We're delayed because we're winning a safety award."
-
Why did the farmer use a steam roller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
-
Why didn't the rabbit want to mate outside?
Because it was Frigid
-
What are unicorns who want better working enviroments for their fellow employees?
Unioncorns.
-
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.
-
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
Her: Because she had heard that the mayor was going to lay a cornerstone and she wanted to see if he could really do it.
-
Whopper at BK You hear BK is now selling a black whopper?
They are already cancelling it because it will never work and everyone wants it for free ...... lmao
-
What do you call it when you sit on a high chair to see if you want to buy it?
A stool sample.
-
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
-
What did the band Weezer say about the nudist beach?
All the mammaries made me want to go back there!
-
Who is Jason Waterfalls?
And why don't they want him to go
-
Why did the bowler bring two pairs of pants?
He wanted a spare in case he had a split.
-
What do you call a stegosaurus with carrots in its ears?
Anything you want to - it can't here you!
-
Why are white people so bad at horror movies?
Because they're curious and want to learn. And that's why you don't see many black scientists.
-
Why did the Senator get on Viagara?
He wanted to achieve erection reform.
-
Why Does Paris Hilton Have a Chihuahua?
Cause she doesn't want a Dog thats more intelligent than her!
-
Who never wants to be drawn at a raffle?
Mohammed
-
Why does Harambe confuse bartenders?
All he wants is Just Ice
-
Why didn't the feminist shave her arm pits?
Just kidding, just wanted to rile a few people up. But if you want to have a punchline contest, feel free.
-
What makes me want to lose the will to live?
r/Jokes!
-
What did the doctor say to the patient who wanted to do his own surgery?
Suture self!"
-
How is a chronic disease unlike the 9th Doctor, but like the 10th Doctor?
It sticks around for more than 1 Season, and doesn't want to go.
-
Why did Superman dump Lois for Wonder Woman?
He decided he wanted to date someone in the same League.
-
Who needs whips and chains?
Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
-
What do women want?
She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.
-
What does a midwestern farmer and a rapper have in common?
They both want to make it rain.
-
What do guns and millennials have in common?
You need to keep them in a safe space if you don't want them triggered.
-
Why did the bees go on strike ?
Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers !
-
What did the dance instructor say to her student when the student wanted to use her bathroom?
Skip to my loo.
-
What did the toaster say to the pop tart?
I want you inside of me.
-
Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocaine?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
-
Why did the burglar take a shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway
-
How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard-of-hearing?
HEY!!! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!?!
-
Why did everyone wanted to hang out with the mushroom?
Because he was a fungi
-
What are you going to do for a face?
When the monkey wants its bum back? :D
-
Why did Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond never get a divorce?
She didn't want an ex Ray Edit: I meant debra
-
Why did you offer me a piece of candy?
Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.
-
What did the computer say to the pirate?
Want to date hot Russians!
-
Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?
Because it's a catastrophe :-) Yeah, ok, I'll be going now. EDIT: removed explanation.
-
What did the man who ate a clock say?
That was time consuming but I still want seconds.
-
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go, then go, then not go, then get bored and juggle
-
What did the baby skunk want to be when he grew up?
A big stinker!
-
Why did the surgeon refuse to dress for work?
He didn't want no scrubs
-
Why bother drinking water?
You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.
-
Who is Bobby Long?
and why do all these reggae artists keep talking about wanting to burn him.
-
What does a drug addict and a child have in common?
They both want tablets for Christmas.
-
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
-
Why did the bodybuilder buy a dictionary?
Because he wanted to get more definition.
-
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
-
What do Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common?
Both want to be real boys
-
Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof?
Because he wanted to feel his oats!
-
What's yours?
ME: "I write and want to dir--" "GUNSHOT*
-
Why did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house?
He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.
-
What's blue, standing in the kitchen?
STFU, I can paint my wife any colour I want!
-
What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You-- 10YO: Seriously Why would you drag me into that
-
Why do Newfies want Qubec to separate?
So it's a shorter drive to Toronto!
-
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue.
-
How many tweakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who wants to know
-
Why did the scientist take off his doorbell?
because he wanted to win the "Nobel" prize!
-
Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns?
A: To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.
-
Why did the idiot drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff?
He wanted to try out his new air brakes.
-
Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden?
He wanted to raise some hard cash.
-
Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.
-
Who doesn't want to be a millionaire?
Well, certainly not a billionaire.
-
Why did the pig send his story to New York?
He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.
-
Why did the man put cheese on his computer?
A: He wanted to feed the mouse.
-
Why do donuts have holes in the center?
Because the inventor of the donut wanted to give us a whole experience.
-
Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
-
Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany?
Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!
-
Why didn't rail Castro want to be President of Cuba?
He didn't want to play second fidel
-
What do you want to be when you leave college?
Student: "Alive".
-
Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween?
Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.
-
Why do husbands die before their wives?
They want to.
-
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on?
A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.
-
What will you do with a million watermelons?
I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."
-
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty
-
What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.
-
Why doesn't your menu list prices?
Waiter: We didn't want to make you sick before the food does.
-
Why did the duck leave his flock?
Because he wanted to be a-loone.
-
What is an Iraqi children on a playground doing?
He's distracting the sniper. Didn't want to offend.
-
What is a common question at lizards' fast food joints?
You want flies with that?
-
What's the difference between a man and a woman?
A woman wants a man who can satisfy all her needs. A man wants all women who can satisfy his needs.
-
Why did the pregnant lady douche with Chanel No 5?
She wanted to chanel her inner child
-
Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up?
He wanted to double his prophets.
-
What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !
-
Why did Fred put band aids in the refrigerator?
He wanted cold cuts.
-
How high is it Doctor?
she wanted to know. 'One hundred and three' said the doctor. 'What is the world record '
-
What's a word that starts with "N" that you don't want to call a black person?
Neighbor