Stop Jokes

  • Why did the lone dolphin stop swimming?

    He didn't see a porpoise...

  • What did Pat Benatar say to the kid throwing cereal at her?

    Stop using Chex as a weapon!

  • What to do when the black guy in front of you gets shot?

    Stop laughing and reload.

  • Where does a cow stop to drink?

    The milky way!

  • How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed?

    Put velcro on the ceiling.

  • Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain ?

    To stop getting wet !

  • Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?

    me stops jumping: You would have said no

  • How do you stop joint pain?

    Turn it around.

  • What is the difference between a baby and a feminist?

    The baby grows up and learns to stop crying.

  • How do you stop being an 18 year old Virgin?

    Turn 19

  • How do you stop a mexican tank?

    You shoot the guy pushing it.

  • How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

    Invite two of them.

  • When you're away on a business trip, do you think about me?

    Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

  • What are the two words men hate most unless used together?

    Don't Stop

  • What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ?

    He cut all his fingers off !

  • Why did the Rabbi stop buying beer?

    Hebrewed his own

  • How do you know when a liberal is really dead?

    A: His heart stops bleeding.

  • Why did users stop coming to r/jokes?

    Because their jokes weren't very funny.

  • How do you stop a monster digging up your garden?

    Take his spade away.

  • Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle?

    Because the steaks were too high...

  • What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans?

    Eventually the baby stops crying

  • Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes ?

    Sir Francis Brake !

  • How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

    Nail its other hand to the floor.

  • What did the giant wave say to the man?

    Nothing he just waved. Sea what I did there? Sorry sometimes I get a bit carried away, it like a tsunami of puns. Water these puns! they're horrible, I'll stop now.

  • Why did the cat stop singing?

    Because it was out of tuna.

  • How do you stop a bull from charging?

    Take away his credit card.

  • How do you stop ISIS?

    Leave some milk in the sun for a few days.

  • Why did the tricycle stop working?

    Because it was two tired...

  • What's the difference between a drunk driver, and a stoned driver?

    The drunk driver will drive right through a stop sign. The stoned driver will stop and wait for it to turn green.

  • What is something that basically stops when you stare at it, but flys by when you dont?

    There are two answere: Time and Boo (from Mario games). Just made this joke up what do you guys think

  • Why did they have to stop playing water-polo in Poland?

    All the horses drowned

  • Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game?

    There was a face off in the corner.

  • Why did Chris Brown stop having long-term relationships?

    He wanted 2 hit singles

  • How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?

    Hide the ball it drives them nuts!

  • How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

    Make him wear shoes.

  • What two places can you find a California roll?

    Sushi bars and stop signs. Source: am southern Oregonian lots of bad Cali drivers here

  • How do you stop black kids from jumping on the bed?

    Put velcro on the ceiling.

  • When does a joke stop being funny?

    When you repost it.

  • How to stop a kid from growing up. How do you stop your kids from growing up?

    Ask Jozsef Barsi.

  • Why stop with two L's Lloyd?


  • Why isn't Sonic the Hedgehog Muslim?

    Because once Ramadan is over, he can't stop fasting!

  • What about over there?

    she said. "I can't," I replied, "It says between 1 and 9 only." "Well, why is that stopping you " "I'm 23."

  • How do you stop a woman giving you head?

    Marry her.

  • How do you stop a French tank?

    A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it!

  • How do you stop the Polish army on horseback?

    Unplug the merry-go-round.

  • What's the difference between Marty McFly and a Bears fan?

    Eventually, Marty McFly stopped going back to 1985.

  • Why did the boy stop using his Sony, his Boombox, and his Bose Radio?

    He stopped believing in stereotypes.

  • Why did the mummy stop using the Internet?

    He was getting far too wrapped up in it.

  • Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?

    The nearest ISOBAR!!

  • What did the spaghetti say to the postmodernist ravioli?

    Stop being such an intellectual im-pasta.

  • Why did the number of parking tickets spike after Persephone was carried off to the underworld?

    Because Demeter stopped working.

  • How do you stop a Lion from charging?

    have a successful dentistry practise.

  • What lands first?

    The leaf, a rope stopped the emo.

  • Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?

    He wanted something to get his teeth into.

  • How do you stop a dog from barking in July?

    Shoot him in June.

  • How does a black woman stop crime?

    She gets an abortion.

  • What do you call a cow that stopped producing milk?

    An udder failure.

  • Why do so few men end up in Heaven?

    They never stop to ask directions.

  • Why did Heisenberg remove the speedometer from his car?

    So he would stop getting lost everything he checked it.

  • What do potheads do when they see a fire?

    Stop, drop, and roll

  • Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?

    but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!

  • When does a hunger strike stop?

    When hunger strikes.

  • How do you make a baby cry?

    Drop it. How do you make a baby stop crying? Drop it again.

  • What's the difference between Santa and Justin Beiber?

    Santa stops at 3 Ho's

  • Why didn't you obey that stop sign?

    Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

  • What's orange and white and stops at sunlight?


  • What does Ellen Pao have in common with the girl's mom from 'The Sixth Sense'?

    The both have no idea why everyone stopped talking and just stared at her.

  • Which end of a bus is it best to get off?

    It doesn't matter. Both ends stop.

  • Why use 2 A's in the name Aaron?

    Why not 17 What's stopping us

  • What would a pig name a chain of food stores?

    Stop "N Slop Markets"

  • How many NRA members does it take to stop a 6-year-old paraplegic from stealing a candy bar?

    Nobody knows - they usually lose count at 800 rounds.

  • Why did the bowling pins stop working?

    They went on strike!

  • How do you stop an Internet troll?

    Seize their memes of production.

  • Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29?

    Because 30 is too many!

  • How can we stop ISIS?

    EUROPE: How can we save our economy AMERICA: What color is this dress !

  • What do you do when you see a half dead native man crawling across your lawn?

    Stop laughing and reload

  • Why couldn't the octopus stop laughing?

    Because it had ten tickles

  • What's better than swinging a dead baby around a tether pole?

    stopping it with a shovel

  • What job do you never stop training for?


  • What's the difference between slavery and a cow?

    You stop milking a cow after 150 years.

  • How do you stop an elephant from charging?

    Take away its USB cable.

  • What's the difference between the 9/11 attack and a dairy cow?

    You stop milking the cow after ten years.

  • How'd you get that cut above your eye?

    Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"

  • How do you know when the drummer has shown up for band practice?

    He won't stop banging at the door.

  • How do you stop your bacon from curling in the pan?

    Take their little stones and brooms away!

  • How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes?

    Hold up your arm and say "Go back you didn't say 'May I'"

  • How do you stop a fish from smelling?

    Cut its nose off.

  • What does a Greek man with a speech impediment say after being burgaled?

    Stop those damn Thebes!"

  • What happened to the NSFW warning on r/Jokes?

    It stopped working like all those who got caught on reddit at work.

  • What's more fun than swinging an infant over your head with a rope as fast as you can?

    Stopping it with a shovel

  • How do you stop a Polish tank?

    Shoot the guy that's pushing it

  • How is a computer like an air conditioner?

    They both stop working properly when you open windows.

  • What song did Kim Jong Il request be played at his funeral?

    Journey - Don't Stop Bereaving.

  • Why did the thalidomide man get stopped going through customs?

    He was caught in the possession of small arms

  • What do you say to Harry Potter when he has a mosquito bite he can't stop scratching?


  • Why did the bodybuilder stop in the middle of the road?

    They ran out of juice!

  • Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas?

    Because they weren't getting a square meal.

  • Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?

    Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning Mr. Mayor." Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.

  • What did the priest have to say?

    He said you have to stop rapping over the choir."

  • How do you stop an F4 tornado from destroying a town?

    A roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris! However, this method will cause more destruction than the tornado.

  • Why do you have to pee so quickly after you start drinking beer?

    Because it doesn't have to stop off to change color!

  • How many times I have to tell you to stop making such a mess?

    Go to your room.."

  • How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?

    A: Turn off the carousel.

  • How do you get a puppy to stay the same size forever?

    You stop feeding it.

  • Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?

    and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

  • How do you stop your dog digging holes in your garden?

    By hiding the shovel in the shed/garage

  • Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?

    Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?

  • What did the big chimmney say to the little chimmney?

    Stop smoking. You are too young to smoke

  • What did one elf girl say to the other elf girl who wasn't sharing?

    Stop being so elfish, Karen!"

  • What's the difference between a lorry with good brakes, and a lorry with nice brakes?

    A Lorry with Nice breaks doesn't stop until after a mile.

  • When do ghosts have to stop scaring people?

    When they lose their haunting licenses.

  • What happens when a cow stops shaving?

    It grows a Moostache.

  • Why do the police hate teenage fireflies?

    They never stop lighting up.

  • What does a dyslexic tiger and a bus driver have in common?

    A bus driver can't change his stops.

  • Whats the difference between the FAA and a jet engine?

    The engine stops whining after the plane lands.

  • What hits the ground first?

    The apple because the black man was stopped by a noose.

  • Why did Erdogan stop a man from jumping off a bridge?

    One does not simply fly in Turkish airspace without Erdogan's permission.

  • What's the difference between Phil Collins and Germany?

    We stopped Germany.

  • Who r they 2 stop u?

    Boy: My wife & 2 kids.

  • Why did I stop reading M.C Escher books on the bus?

    Because I always get weird stairs

  • How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?

    Hide their trainers.

  • Why couldn't 5 stop drinking?

    Because it was 2 turnt up

  • What's stronger, fifty watts of sound or fifty watts of light?

    I don't care but would you please stop screaming, turning the lights on and off.

  • Why did Jesus stop playing hockey?

    Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

  • How do you stop an Armenian tank?

    You shoot the guys pushing it.

  • How do you stop a charging bull?

    Take away its credit card!*** wa-waa-waaaa! Skip

  • What can I do to stop my addiction?

    She said, "Whatever means necessary." "No it doesn't," I said.

  • What did the mother snake say to her crying baby ?

    Stop crying and viper your nose !

  • What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill?

    A: They stop delivering.

  • Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking?

    It was making him Moody Edit: Guys, its a Harry Potter Joke for those who don't get it.

  • Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ?

    Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.

  • Why did the Eskimos have to stop partying?

    because they ran out of Natural Light

  • How do you stop a 6'4" 300lb black kid from charging?

    You take away his EBT card.

  • What Journey song to Chinese people sing at funerals?

    Don't Stop Bereavin'

  • What's the difference between a cow and 911?

    You stop milking a cow after 14 years..

  • Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?

    Because they can't stop saving their work.

  • What did the daddy salt say to his son?

    Stop cracking your NaCles."

  • How are babies different from feminists ?

    Babies grow up and stop crying

  • How do you stop a North Korean tank?

    Shoot the guy driving the cardboard box.

  • What stops your hair from falling?

    The floor

  • Why was the blond late on her first day of work?

    Because she stopped taking the pill about a month earlier.

  • How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan?

    Take away their little brooms!

  • How do you get a clown to stop smiling?

    Hit him in the face with an axe

  • What did the Japanese Journey covers band sing at the funeral?

    Don't stop, bereaving!

  • Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

    Because they won't stop to ask directions.

  • What did the robot say to the centipede?

    Stop being a centipede." Get it, because the robot has no arms! Hahhahaha, gets me everytime.

  • Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

    To stop it from falling out.

  • What do you do if your bank account stops working?

    Throw the guy out of the house.

  • How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?

    Nail its other hand to the floor.

  • Why did you stop your car get out and yell "coward" at the traffic signal?

    Motorist: The light just turned yellow.

  • How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

    Never enough.

  • What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

    He waits for it at the next stop.

  • What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?

    One knows the stops the other stops the nose.

  • What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?

    A bus driver knows the stops and a cold stops the nose.

  • What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

    Slap her.

  • How do you stop volcanoes from erupting?

    Give them earth control pills heh heh heh...

  • How do you stop clowns from attacking you?

    Go for the juggler

  • Whats the best way to stop a runaway horse?

    Bet on it.

  • What did the pencil say to the sharpener?

    Stop going in circles and get to the point.

  • What does Spock sing in the shower?

    What does Spock sing in the shower? I'll stop the world and meld with you!

  • Why did the liontamer stop using WinZip?

    because lions only understand .rars

  • What stopped winter from coming?

    Winterfell and it can't get up.

  • What do you tell a girl who won't stop asking for a tampon?

    Put a sock in it.

  • What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine?

    A jet engine stops whining after it lands

  • How do you stop an alien invasion?

    You build a wall.

  • Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?

    There was a face-off in the corner.

  • What happened to the minter who went crazy?

    He stopped making cents.

  • Why couldn't the dimwit read more than one sentence?

    There was a full stop

  • How did Jesus get across Jerusalem on a busy Friday afternoon?

    Cross traffic doesn't stop.

  • How do you stop a baby from crawling in a circle?

    Nail it's other hand to the floor.

  • How do you stop a taliban tank ?

    Shoot the Guy Pushing it

  • What do bears and women from Arkansas have in common?

    They can't stop licking their paws.

  • Why did the car judder to a stop when it saw a ghost?

    It had a nervous breakdown.

  • Why didn't the Irishman add another bean?

    He stopped at 239 because if he added another one it would be 'too farty'. It would've been funnier if I could do an Irish accent.

  • What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert?

    Don't stop! Be leaving!" Just a joke I thought up the other day.

  • What do you call tree sap that won't stop running?

    Forest gunk.

  • What did russian judge say to the jury?

    I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

  • How many babies does it take to stop a puck?

    Ask Subban from the Hans to find out

  • What do you call it when a cat stops?

    A: A paws!

  • Why were you speeding when I stopped you?

    Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.

  • How did LaKeisha's Mom finally stop her from bouncing on the trampoline in the rec room?

    She put a piece of velcro on the ceiling.

  • How do you stop a monster from smelling?

    Cut off his nose.

  • When does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug?

    When it gets a handle on life.

  • Why don't pirates ever stop going to brothels?

    They can't get enough booty.

  • What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?

    Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... I'm sorry..

  • What did the field say to the farmer with no crops?

    Stop fallowing me!

  • What do mother's who boycott pharmacy drugs and kids who stop playing valve's fps' have in common?

    They are both over the counter strike

  • Why do Italians wear gold chains?

    So they know where to stop shaving.

  • How is Bill Cosby like an environment at 0 Kelvin?

    When around both, one eventually stops moving. Forgive me.

  • Why did the circle stop arguing with the two intersecting lines?

    Because they had a point

  • Why did Fonzie stop sleeping around?

    He got AIIIIIDS.

  • Why was the powerlifter fired from his job at the restaurant?

    He was awesome at cleaning the bar, but he wouldn't stop jerking it.

  • What is your emergency?

    Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.

  • Why did ISIS stop looting viagra?

    The goats all died.

  • Which chocolate stops dogs hair falling out?


  • What stopped the beaver's crime spree?

    The damming evidence

  • Who is the prettiest of my friends?

    Me: your mother, why W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

  • What happened to Frankenstein's monster on the road?

    He was stopped for speeding fined $50 and dismantled for six months.

  • What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

    Santa knows to stop after three Ho's.

  • What did the Hebrew's call it when they stopped receiving mana every morning?


  • How do you stop a hippie from drowning?

    Take your combat boot off his head.

  • What did the keyboard say to the mouse?

    stop with the cheesey jokes!

  • How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?

    Slow down and use some lube

  • How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking??

    Slow down and grab some lube!!

  • What do you call a marathon runner that refuses to stop?

    A joggernaut.

  • How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze?

    You invite two of them.

  • What does a Ferrari and poverty have in common?

    Princess Diana can't stop either

  • Why did the researchers stopped their research on embryos?

    Because the subject is still to immature.

  • Why did the feminist's bakery go out of business?

    She told people to stop patronizing her.

  • What is a hemophiliac's least favorite song?

    Don't stop ble-eding (The pause is necessary)

  • Whats the difference between an environmentalist and a dog sitting in the rain?

    eventually the dog sitting in the rain will stop whinging.

  • Why did the cop wake up his son?

    To stop a kid napping.

  • How do you stop an angry rhino from charging?

    You take away its credit card

  • What did Darth Vader do when his iTunes stopped responding?

    He force quit.

  • What's the difference between Michael j. Fox and an earthquake?

    Earthquakes stop shaking

  • Why did Tiger Woods stop designing golf courses?

    He couldn't keep it down to 18 holes.

  • Why did the toilet paper stop crossing the road?

    It got stuck in a crack.

  • What do blacks and bicycles have in common?

    Take off the chain and both stop working. Going straight to hell :)

  • Why did Helen Keller stop cleaning her dishes?

    She was running out of things to read.

  • Why do Italians wear gold necklaces?

    So they know where to stop shaving

  • What happens to Stephen Hawking when he stops laughing?

    He writes scary stories.

  • What did the tree say to the mountain?

    A: Stop peaking at me.

  • How do you stop an Ethiopian tank with a gun?

    Shoot the people pushing it.

  • How do you stop a ginger from drowning?

    You throw him a lifesaver and tell him to grab on to it.

  • What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

    Nothing! They just WAVED. SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Let MINNOW if you are not getting it. SHELL I continue?? No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead. Thanks ladies and gentlefish

  • Why did the goat stop trying to break out of jail?

    Because he was just tired of being an escape goat.

  • What did the puffer fish say to the sea anemone?

    Stop being so closed off.

  • When do e-mails stop being in black and white?

    When they are read.

  • How do you stop your children from smoking?

    Slow down and use some lubricant.

  • Why did the integer stop multiplying with other integers of equal value?

    He was Squared Straight.

  • How do you stop a metal from rusting?

    Use some antioxidants

  • What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants?

    Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!"

  • What's with the knives?

    Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin

  • What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?

    If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour it'll probably stop whining.

  • What do blacks and bikes have in common?

    They both stop working when you take their chains off. Edit: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. By the way, got this from AskReddit.

  • How do you stop the neighbours kids from playing in your yard?

    Molest them

  • Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy?

    A: She wanted to stop having grandchildren.

  • How do you get a Criminal to stop running?

    Play the national anthem

  • What made the world stop being Blue?

    The new softcap limits

  • What happened to all the Paul Walker jokes?

    It seems like they started going pretty fast, then just...stopped.

  • How do you stop an angry elephant from charging ?

    Take away it's credit cards !

  • What do you call it when fish stop having babies?


  • Whats the difference between a goat and a kid?

    I stopped butchering goats.

  • Why did the photon stop drinking after traveling 670 million miles?

    because Happy Hour ended.

  • Why Won't Anyone Tell me the Name of Ukraine's 5th Largest City?

    They keep telling me to stop asking...

  • Why did the knight stop using the internet?

    Because he was sick of chainmail.

  • How do you stop an Italian from talking?

    Tie his hands together

  • How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?

    tape velcro to the ceiling.

  • Why were the camels wearing sandals?

    To stop themselves sinking into the sand. Why did the ostrich stick its head in the sand To look at the camels who forgot to put their sandals on.

  • How was work?

    flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn't stop giggling after someone said "abreast" me:Good

  • Why did the cyclist stop riding?

    He was two tired

  • What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?

    Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

  • Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

    It ran out of juice. I shall take my leave now.

  • How does the blind man know when to stop wiping his arse?

    I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.

  • Why didn't you stop at that red light?

    Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.

  • How do you stop all the protests and riots?

    Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down

  • How to stop an unwanted DM. Hi, how are you?

    Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I'm a psychotic cow, how are you

  • How do you stop hearing jokes written for 12 year olds?

    Unsubscribe from r/jokes!

  • When are YOU going to start having kids?

    Me: When are you going to stop

  • How's my driving?

    sticker on her car. Her phone hasn't stopped ringing since.

  • How do you stop an elephant going through the eye of a needle?

    By tying a knot on its tail.

  • How do cheese strings work?

    I started to laugh, but then I stopped. How do cheese strings work

  • What does a 14 year-old Native American girl say when she loses her virginity?

    Stop Dad, you're crushing me smokes!

  • How do you stop a 200 pound hamster from charging?

    Take away it's credit cards.

  • How do functions Break-Up?

    They stop calling each other.

  • Why is there only 50 shades of grey?

    Why not 5,000 What's stopping them

  • What is skeleton?

    Interviewer:what is skeleton? Sardar:Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!

  • How do you stop a dog smelling ?

    Put a peg on it's nose !

  • What is the best way to stop a politician?

    A really strong gust of wind.

  • What's the difference between Polio and 9/11?

    The government actually wanted to stop Polio.

  • Why did the rancher stop attending poker night with his marijuana smoking steers?

    The steaks were getting too damn high.

  • Why did they stop the leper hockey game?

    There was a face off in the corner.

  • What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

    Santa stops at 3 ho's

  • What does a bully say to someone with severe depression?

    Stop hating yourself, stop hating yourself!

  • Why do Italian men wear gold chains?

    So they know where to stop shaving.

  • What's the difference between a cow and September 11?

    You stop milking a cow after 10 years.

  • Why did sumo wrestlers start shaving their legs?

    To stop getting confused as feminists

  • How do you get a woman to stop texting you?

    Reply to her message within a minute

  • What does a Chicago cop say after emptying his clip into a fleeing suspect?

    Stop. Police."

  • How will you escape?

    Dude: It's very simple, I will stop my imagination

  • Who do you save?

    America. Keep right on going and don't stop.

  • How do you stop a rhino from charging?

    You unplug it!

  • What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

    You punch her

  • What's the best way to stop a German train?

    them nicely.

  • Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?

    They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.

  • What is the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

    You stop milking a cow after 10 years.

  • How do you stop a lawyer from drownng?

    Shoot him before he hits the ground

  • How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed?

    Put velcro on the ceiling.

  • What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

    I've been really stressed out lately, I know it's not your fault, but please stop cracking jokes about me

  • How do you stop a nuclear bomb from squeaking...?


  • What did the cannibal say to his co-worker?

    You should stop by later. The missus and I are having people for dinner.

  • Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?

    A: So they know where to stop shaving.

  • How do you stop an Albanian tank?

    You shoot the guy pushing it.

  • Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?

    A.) Because red means Stop.

  • What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his vodka to fast?

    Stop "Russian"

  • What made the orange stop suddenly?

    It just ran out of juice.

  • Why did the masochist STOP hitting himself on the head with a hammer ?

    Because it hurt.

  • Why do Democrats push for more gun control?

    Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.

  • Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

    Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

  • Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?

    A: Because 36 would be too many.

  • Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

    They won't stop to ask for directions.

  • What do you do when you see a black man lying on the floor?

    You stop laughing and shoot him again.

  • What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?

    Stop crying and viper your nose.

  • What would be your reply?

    Someone stops you in the middle of the road and asks you to tell him a good joke, What would be your reply?

  • Why did the cold war last so long?

    The US couldn't stop Stalin.

  • How do you stop bad singing?

    A pitchfork

  • Where do ghost trains stop?

    At devil crossings.

  • How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

    Nail its other hand to the floor.

  • What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror?

    A narcissistick.

  • Why did the bicycle stop moving?

    Because it was two-tiered.

  • When did you first miss it dear?

    Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

  • Why couldn't the duck stop smoking?

    Because he was a quack addict

  • Who's there ! Billy Bragg ! Billy Bragg who ?

    Billy Braggs too much tell him to stop it !

  • What stopped winter for coming?

    Cuz Winterfell and it can't get up! :P

  • What falls faster from a tree? A leaf or an emo?

    The leaf, the rope stops the emo.

  • Why do old men take Viagra?

    It stops them from rolling out of bed.

  • What can happen when a car breaks down?

    A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

  • How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?

    Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.

  • What do you call someone who can't stop reading Nancy Drew novels?

    A heroine addict.

  • Why do stop lights turn red?

    You would turn red too if you had to change in front of everybody.

  • When do chickens stop laying eggs?


  • When will the Jared jokes stop?

    When they get too old.

  • Why couldn't the Dubstep artist be a chemist?

    He couldn't stop dropping the base!

  • Why are you just telling me now?

    He said, Because I couldn't stop laughing.

  • When does feminism stop?

    When the car breaks down.

  • What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?

    A puppy eventually grows up and stops whining. Thanks to PuddinHead742 for this one.

  • What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?

    Paul stop monkeying around!

  • Whoa. There are books on TAPE?

    Now I can stop reading while I drive. This is gonna save so many lives.

  • What is the difference between a dog and a viola?

    A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

  • Where does it stop?

    8 Chainz frowned. "14 Chainz doesn't have time for

  • How do you stop Iran from building a nuclear reactor?

    Send them the Fine Brothers.

  • Why did the blonde wear green lipstick?

    Because red means stop D

  • What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film?

    Stop playing it cagey!

  • What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?

    A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

  • Why Can't the Guy Addicted to Brake Fluid Quit?

    He couldn't stop.

  • How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car?

    Put him in the front.

  • Why do the proms stop after high school?

    Just because I'm an adult now doesn't mean I don't still need to grind on people to Lil' Jon songs.

  • Why did the motorcycle suddenly stop running?

    Because it was two tired.

  • How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

    Shoot before he hits the water.

  • Which do you let in first?

    Your dog, because it'll stop barking once you let it in.

  • What should you do if you get an erection on the subway?

    Get off at the next stop!

  • What is the best part of Pokemon Go?

    I can ride my bike indoors and professor oak can't do anything to stop me.

  • What is the biggest difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

    Santa stops at three Ho's

  • What is the difference... What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

    Santa stops at three hoes.

  • How do you stop a Polish battletank?

    Shoot the guy pushing it.

  • What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

    Santa stops at three Hos.

  • Why did the monster stop playing with his brother?

    He got tired of kicking him around.

  • What's more fun than swinging a dead baby by a string?

    Stopping it with a shovel!

  • Why did the bus stop?

    Because it saw the zebra crossing.

  • Why did Hugh Jackman single handedly stop a Franciscan botanist from accidentally dropping a match in the forest?

    Because only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

  • How do you stop the protests in Charlotte?

    Sing the nation anthem they will sit down

  • How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children?

    You put a guitar in his hands.

  • Why did Einstein stop seeing his mistress?

    She fell in love and he didn't anticipate entanglement

  • Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

    A: Because red means stop.

  • How do you stop your water from running?

    Stop paying the bill.

  • What Is Bluetooth ?

    When your toothbrush stops working mid brushing

  • Why can't Californians stop at stop signs?

    I don't know and this is not a laughing matter.

  • Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles?

    Nail its other hand to the floor.

  • How many Frenchmen does it take to stop a Semi Truck?

    Apparently, 84 isn't enough.

  • What do you call a fox that can't stop shaking?


  • What's more fun then swinging a baby on a clothes line?

    Stopping it with a shovel.

  • What can we do to stop polluting our waters ?

    Pupil: Stop taking baths

  • Why did people stop printing stamps with photo of Pamela Anderson?

    Banta: Because people started licking the wrong side of it for pasting them on the envelopes..

  • What's another name for an parent?

    Someone who's stopped growing except around the waist.

  • Why did they hire the police department to design a new superconductor?


  • How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?

    Take away their beds...

  • What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

    A: Some traffic signs say stop.

  • What two things should people stop shaking because shaking hurts these things development?

    Polaroid Integral Film and Babies

  • Why did they stop serving beer at Miami Marlins games?

    They didn't have enough pitchers.

  • Why did the people's phones stop working on the plane's that crashed into the twin towers?

    They were in airplane mode. (I'm so sorry)

  • How do you stop the government from making a pipeline across your land?

    You Sioux them.

  • What is the best way of stopping infection from witch bites ?

    Don't bite any witches !

  • Why was the Chinese Journey cover band a failure?

    Their only hit was Don't Stop Bereaving.

  • What can you say in your defense?

    ampndash Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

  • How does someone stop ISIS?

    Change their name to past tense, WASWAS.

  • What did the oyster say to the fish who stole it's shell?

    Stop being shellfish!" *drops microphone, walks away*

  • What can stop supervirus from destroying humanity ?

    Batvirus ( stolen joke xD )

  • How can you tell that a baker's hands are on fire?

    He can't seem to *stop droppin' rolls*.

  • How do you stop a baby from walking in circles?

    Pin its other hand to the ground.

  • What are you typing?

    Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It's not that Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!" -Google.

  • How do you stop a clown from laughing?

    Hit it in the face with an axe.

  • Why does the American Border Patrol guard take Xanax?

    To stop Hispanic attacks.

  • Why did all of Britain stop smoking pot?

    Because they all joined

  • Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on?

    Stop talking in secret code.

  • How do you trap an elephant?

    You first dig a hole, second, you fill the hole with ashes, also throw some peas in there. When the elephant stops to take a pea, you kick it in the ash hole.

  • What did the police officer say to stop the depressed man from jumping off the bridge?

    You have potential. Sorry if this is a repost, just thought of it now.