Use Jokes
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What online image hosting service do puppies use to post their puppy pictures?
Imgrrrrrrr
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How did Mario bring back his brother after he got a Game Over?
He used a Luigi Board.
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What kind of underwear does John Grisham use?
Pelican Briefs I'll go find a bridge
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What time is it in Ireland when someone farts too much?
Two-forty (use an Irish accent)... It's two-farty
-
What kind of currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks
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What drug does the lord use to get work done?
God speed.
-
How can you call someone and sound fabulous?
Use a homophone.
-
How are skunks able to avoid danger?
By using their instinks and common scents!
-
Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?
Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!
-
What did the 80 grit sandpaper say to the 36 grit sandpaper?
You're a little rougher than I'm used to, but I'll grit and bear it. I'm sorry, that joke was a little rough ;D
-
What do you call a second hand gold necklace?
Recyc-bling (I'm pretty sure I thought of this myself but I used to smoke the Mary Jane a lot so......)
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What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?
You slow down and use lube ( )
-
What happens when the president of the United States has to use the bathroom?
The state of alert in the White House rises to Defecate 2.
-
When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet?
BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion"
-
What's wrong with that?
You've seen spiders before. Boy: Yes but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!
-
What is the main material used in the manufacture of TIE fighters?
TIE tanium
-
How did the private eye use math to find the intent of the crime?
He solved for y! Thought this one up myself and thought it was post worthy
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Why do happy people like to sleep in late?
Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.
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How do trees use the Internet?
They log on
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What do pirates use telephones for?
Booty call
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How do you make a song better using cement?
By remixing it.
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What do You Use ?
Girl : Adobe Photoshop CS5!
-
What will they now use on photos for LGBT magazines?
an airbroosh
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Why does the Empire use Apple?
Because they couldn't find the droid they were looking for
-
Why are fisherman so successful in business?
Because they use "net" profits
-
Why do we use whiteboards instead of blackboards?
Because black boards matter.
-
Why can't Ganondorf use the Internet?
There's too many Links.
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What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control?
Grandparents.
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Why do you like little kids...?
They have to use TWO hands.
-
How do you split Rome in half?
You use a pair of caesars.
-
Why was Mohamed Ali born a fighter?
In the womb, he used to fight bald clowns. (Self made joke)
-
How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.
-
Why does nobody in Japan use Siri?
Because they can't take it seriousry.
-
What's the most efficient fuel to use when chasing cars?
Snow Petrol!
-
Why is Oliver North like Kraang?
They both love using the shredder.
-
What thought can you easily share with someone else without using words?
That you to fart.
-
What kind of guns do bees use?
BeeBee guns
-
Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?
Because they take things literally.
-
What does an unborn fetus and a tube of toothpaste have in common?
Neither of them can be used as functional tables.
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Why are the sheep in Africa coloured pink?
The elephants are using them as tampons
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What website do emo kids use for business networking?
LinkedIn Park
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Why did the blonde quit using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.
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How do ghosts navigate the ocean?
They use boo-eys.
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What do you call a Bear who is just learning to use the force?
A PANDAwan learner.
-
What term is used to describe a phenomenon where a European mans ejaculates prematurely?
Pole Position
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What kind of a battery does Dj Khaled use?
A Li-ion battery.
-
How did Moses part the Red Sea?
He used a Sea-saw.
-
What's the difference between a $1000 used car and a Rolls-Royce?
One's a grand car and the other's a grand car
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What do you call people who use the pull out method as form of birth control?
Parents.
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How does a plant walk?
It uses a plant stand.
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Why does America use the imperial system?
Because they are behind
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When is it okay for monks to use e-mail?
When there are no attachments
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What do you call the vehicle used to carry Henry VIII's second wife to the hospital?
An Anne-Boleyn-ce.
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Why do the Germans use commas in place of decimal points?
Because it makes 6,000,000 seem like a much smaller number.
-
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert!
-
How's she getting on?
I replied, "I'm not sure, I think they use a crane."
-
Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?
Because she used the other to sing
-
What do ghosts use for lube?
Rectoplasm...
-
How to use green, yellow, and pink in a sentence?
The phone goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow.
-
What's the difference between the Polish and polish?
No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you
-
What cell phone service do Stormtroopers use?
AT & AT.
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Why don't gypsies use condoms ?
They have crystal balls so they see it coming.
-
What pronouns do you use to address a chocolate bar?
Her/she
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Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges?
As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.
-
How did God get Mary pregnant?
He used the holy immaculate contraception
-
Why should all teenagers get a case for their cell phones?
Because they should use protection to practice safe text
-
How do industrial robots communicate with humans?
They use a conveyor belt.
-
What do you call your mom who used to be your dad?
A transparent ( )
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How did Lex Luthor hide his money laundering from superman?
He used a krypton-currency.
-
What's something that the inventor doesn't want, the buyer doesn't use, and the user doesn't know about it?
A casket
-
What program do Jedi use to PDF files?
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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Why do hipsters only use the microwave?
Because they don't like conventional ovens.
-
What part of the house does a ghost not use?
The living room
-
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
-
How many monastic women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None... they live an ascetic lifestyle and prefer to not use electricity.
-
How did Pavlov keep his dogs so fluffy?
He used conditioner on them.
-
What would you use to write down a description of the dump you just took?
A No. 2 pencil.
-
What did the woman say while she was having a baby?
This could use some salt."
-
What country uses the most foul language?
Turkey
-
Why do dinosaurs use Christian dating sites?
Because they can lie about their age!
-
What do you call Charlie Sheen's brother if he were a financial advisor?
Emilio Investevez. Fun game/running joke friends in college used to play. Wondering if Reddit would enjoy the game too.
-
What do Mexicans use to slice pizza?
Little Caesers
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Why is it so quiet when pterodactyls use the restroom?
Their P is silent.
-
Why could the witch never get the enchantments right?
She forgot to use Spell Check.
-
What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?
I don't know! Well you're not using my computer keyboard then!
-
How do you know if a black person used your TV?
It's not there anymore.
-
What do you use to search for anime in Google?
Weabooleans
-
Why does Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand?
Because she uses the other one to sing.
-
What do members of secret societies use when they get a head cold?
An Illumi-neti pot
-
What is 1 + 1?
3 if you don't use protection.
-
Why do they use liquid soap in the Navy?
It takes longer to pick up
-
What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing?
The cast-a-net.
-
What four letter word starts with F ends in K and if you can't get it you have to use your hands or fingers...?
A fork
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What did Obe Wan say to Skywalker when he was teaching him table manners?
Use the forks Luke.
-
What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist?
Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI
-
Why shouldn't you use red, white, and blue paint in a watercolor?
Because these colors don't run
-
What streaming site do eldritch horrors use?
Cth-Hulu
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What file archiver do Tigers use?
Win-Rawr.
-
What kind of money do snowmen use?
Iced lolly.
-
What does RoboCop use for fuel?
Petroleum
-
Why isn't a dime worth as much today as it used to be?
Because the dimes (times) have changed.
-
What kind of cheese do you use to entice a bear down from a tree?
Camembert!
-
How do bovines do math?
They use a cow-culator! Ba-dum-tsss!
-
What do comic book collectors use in their hair when they shower?
Mint conditioner.
-
What do you call an outdated joke that, while sharp, has little potential for laughs?
I used to know, but then I took an arrow to the knee
-
What is it that is yours , but others use it more than you ?
Your name
-
What'd be worse?
Zombie apocalypse or Facebook shutting down and 500 million retards all of sudden using twitter
-
What do Naturopathic doctors use to keep up with their finances?
Quackbooks!
-
How can you tell if a black man has been using your computer?
It won't be there
-
Why don't the French need air conditioner?
They use 2-in-1 shampoo
-
What Joe?
Biden: What color should the lion be Yellow. Biden: I'm using green. *giggles*
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Why people don't use #YOLO anymore?
Because they lived once
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What do ghosts use to phone home?
A terror-phone.
-
What do you call a person who uses multiple accounts to upvote their own memes?
Unidank
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What car transmission do Mexicans use?
Manuel.
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Why the hell would I use turn signals?
I know where we're going.
-
How did Jesus get to the other side of the street?
He used the Cross Walk.
-
How did the pirate fix the hole in his pants?
He used an eyepatch
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How did the shellfish win the underwater beauty pageant?
Using saxitoxin.
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When do Catholics allow the use of condoms?
When the choir boys have diarrhea.
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Why do Baptists have so many children?
They only use holy condoms.
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How did the farmer figure out how much milk he had?
He used cowculus!
-
How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.
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Why do girls who use Tumblr work so many odd jobs?
Because they literally can't even.
-
Why did the duck get kicked out of church?
Because he was using fowl language!
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What is cowhide mostly used for?
Keeping cows from falling apart.
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What kind of money do monsters use?
Weirdo (weird dough).
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How do truckers contact each other in Wisconsin?
They use a Milwaukee-Talkie
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How do you know when to use "fridge" or "refrigerator"?
Open it, if there's a 'd' in it, it's a fridge.
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What did Peter rabbit say to his girlfriend when they broke up?
Now you're just some bunny that I used to know."
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What do you use to cut the ocean?
A seasaw
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Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?
It takes longer to pick up.
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How do you cure the bird flu versus swine flu?
One you use tweetment and the other, oinkment
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How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road?
It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!
-
What do you use to clear the air of stupid?
A HERPA filter
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What do you use to cover a herpetarium floor?
Reptiles.
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What do you call it when you have enough money to but a truck from 4 different people who used to cross small bodies of water?
You can afford four fjord forders' fords.
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Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake ?
Someone else's !
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Why can't Helen Keller use an iPhone?
Because she's dead.
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What do the Russians use to film their war with Isis?
Daeshcams
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Why do ISIS fighters only drink instant coffee?
Because they hate the French Press. (This joke used to be more topical)
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Why could the chef not cook a tree branch?
Because he used a non-stick pan.
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What type of gun is used by a pig that is good with the ladies?
A smoothbore.
-
What's the difference between a tea bag and a used tampon?
What's the Difference between a tea bag and a used tampon - I dunno... - I'm never drinking tea at your house again then!
-
Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?
Do NOT say:"Because I am tired of using my own"
-
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
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What do you call a weapon used by a Canadian ninja?
A: Canuck-chucks.
-
Which Machine Should I Use?
Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"
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Why did the chicken run around screaming?
Because he had to use the bathroom.
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What do you do with old cannon balls ?
Give them to elephants to use as marbles !
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What type of currency do people use in outer space?
STARbucks.
-
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
is just not as challenging since she started using foursquare.
-
What technology are old people better at using than young people?
Life support.
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What do bees use to do their hair?
Honeycombs!
-
What does Charles Darwin use to moisturise his skin?
Evo-lotion.
-
Where are the raisins today?
A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."
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Why are we watching a live internet stream of men exiting a hole?
Isn't this using the internet backwards
-
What type of plant can you use to make phone calls?
A telefern
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How do you get a Mexican across the border using only math?
Carry the Juan
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Why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight?
BECAUSE HE WAS USING A BANANA FOR SCALE
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Why couldn't the FBI find Sepp Blatter's bribe money?
He used it all to bribe Canada to host the Women's World Cup.
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What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles?
Electricity.
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What language do bill boards use?
Sign language.
-
What type of missiles were used in the Movie Top Gun?
Tom" Cruise Missiles.
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What does the aquarium janitor use to clean?
She uses all-porpoise cleaner!
-
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
IN HIS SLEEVIES! Best used with little kids, or followed by maniacal laughter.
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What's it called when you're using Tinder on the toilet?
Swiping and wiping.
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How do you stop your children from smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.
-
What CS:GO hack do tumblr girls use?
Trigger bot.
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What do you call two guys using the same urinal?
Peers
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What can run out before you've had a chance to use it?
Slaves.
-
Why use 2 A's in the name Aaron?
Why not 17 What's stopping us
-
How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows".
-
When using the equation Y=1-T to understand how citizens react to changes in taxation...what happens when T>1?
Alot of T gets dumped in a harbor
-
How did Link win the basketball game for his team?
He used the Hookshot!
-
Why do pterodactyls use the bathroom so quietly?
Because their p is quiet.
-
What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
A: Root position cords.
-
What method does the Australian god use to part the Red Sea?
Oz Moses.
-
What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?
Lil Caesars
-
What's the best part about sleeping with a Cubs fan?
They're used to disappointment.
-
Why don't vikings send e-mails?
They prefer to use Norse code.
-
What do you with 365 used rubbers?
Turn it into a tire and call it a goodyear.
-
What do dolphins use to stay clean?
All-porpoise cleaner.
-
Why is Tina Fey so good with her use of irony?
It's in the name...
-
Why did the farmer use a steam roller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
-
What did the priest use to forgive the sinners that shot up his church?
A holey bible. And, yet, it still made more sense than Scientology.
-
What do you call the object Attila the Hun uses to brush his leg hair?
A Hun knee comb.
-
What will you be using the money for?
Me: "A divorce lawyer."
-
What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?
WD-4D
-
Why does Ms. Piggy use honey and vinegar douche?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
-
Why should you never ask people with Down Syndrome to use a printer?
They always make an extra copy
-
How did Saddam deal with his leftovers?
He used sarin wrap
-
What material does Cayde-6 use to repair his armor after falling feet first into hell?
Nathan Filaments ( ) X-Post from /r/DestinyTheGame
-
Which gun does Superman use?
SCAR-L
-
What do people who refuse to fight use as weapons?
Their pacifists
-
What does cats and festival attendees have in common?
They both love using the toilet right after it's been cleaned.
-
What's red, white, and full of holes?
Helen Keller's face after she tries to use a fork.
-
What do you call a Russian ninja?
Shneakoff ( I apologise, this is my first ever post so I'm using that as my excuse)
-
What limitations does braille have? Can it represent everything that we read using the alphabet?
Very limited fonts.
-
What type of pasta is no longer used in Canada?
Penny ...
-
What brand toothbrush do Mexicans use?
Oral-
-
What type of drugs do ducks use?
What type of drugs to ducks use? Quack cocaine.
-
What kind of medicine do Ants use when they have eye problems?
Ant-Eye Biotics (Dad joke, I know)
-
Why didn't the panda use a glove when playing baseball?
Because he caught everything bear handed!
-
Which of the seven dwarfs use the Internet?
Happ-e Sleep-e Grump-e Dope-e and Sneez-e.
-
Which came first. . . social media or dumb people?
AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language
-
What service did Michael Jackson use to do his taxes?
Pay-To-File
-
Why don't Jedi mathematicians use the absolute value function?
Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.
-
What pdf reader do Jedis use?
The Adobe-Wan Kenobi Reader
-
What is "attempted theft" exactly?
I mean it's not like you see school librarians seeing a student use Wikipedia on one of the computers and puts them in detention for "attempted plagiarism"
-
Why are Microsoft circuit boards so bad?
They use French resistors.
-
Why was the Instagram star so bad at making coffee?
Because she used #nofilter
-
How do they tie things down on the space station?
They use astro knots.
-
What are the most common 3 words used all around the world?
Made in China.
-
How do you estimate your kids lifespan?
Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.
-
Why do skateboarders make lousy plumbers?
Because they only use half pipes.
-
Whats your favourite brand of beer?
When i was younger, i used to drink any brand of beer, but now i am older Budweiser
-
What do you use to check your cell from across the room?
A telephono lens.
-
What's the difference between a round piece of plastic and a babies head?
I don't use a round piece of plastic as a shift knob.
-
Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards?
Because they use a strongly typed language.
-
How do you subdue a large snake?
You use a boa restrictor
-
What did the Syrians use to light their homes before candles?
A. Electricity.
-
What's the difference between white students and black students?
Black students bring the gun to school. White kids use it at school.
-
Why doesn't men use make-up or perfume?
Because we're beautiful and smell good!
-
Why can't Nietzsche use pencils?
Because they're all pointless
-
Why do Women use perfume and make up?
Because they're ugly and stink! )
-
What is that thing, which the maker cannot use, and the user cannot see?
Coffin
-
Whats a mile long and has a thousand arms?
The train to Auschwitz. Some German guy i used to play Path of Exile with told it to me.
-
Why frogs don't use Google?
They're angry since Froogle was discontinued years ago!
-
What kind of skin lotion do acrobats use?
Cirque d'Olay
-
What do you call it when your lizard doesn't know how to use the internet?
e-reptile dysfunction
-
Why did the architect take so long to get started on his church blueprints?
He couldn't decide what font to use.
-
When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?
WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE : I use your toothbrush.
-
What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints?
an im-paw-ster.
-
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss your teeth with them after you've used them.
-
What cheese do you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone!
-
How do you use calculus in real life?
You integrate it
-
Why did the baseball player fail at the math test?
He used base 3.
-
What's the difference between a magicians wand and a police baton?
The magician's wand is used for cunning stunts
-
What did the cat use to sharpen its claws?
Me. Ow.
-
Why is the LSU football team like my car?
They both used to have Les (less) Miles!
-
Why do they call the 3 musketeers.. musketeers?
Not one of them uses a musket =( justsayian
-
Why is it more expensive to use air pumps nowadays?
Inflation
-
How do you fix a broken pizza?
Use tomato paste.
-
What's the difference between a bag of sugar and a dead baby?
I don't use sugar in my signature cookies.
-
How can you tell if someone uses Apple products?
Just wait and they'll tell you.
-
What do they use to pay for things in the Vatican?
Paypal
-
What performance enhancing drugs do penguins use?
Polaroids
-
What do you call an angry shopper using bad words?
A cussomer.
-
What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cage?
Camembert
-
What do dwarves use to cut their pizza?
Little Caesars
-
What's the difference between a Dutch oven and a German one?
The type of gas used.
-
How does a hipster measure out his drugs?
Using instagrams.
-
How do you measure how funny an electrical engineer is?
You use an o-silly-scope!
-
What's pretty and expensive but has no use?
Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.
-
What do you get when you cross an ape with a calculator?
A Hairy Reasoner. (Andy Rooney used to enjoy this one)
-
How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?
Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.
-
What does Leia say when she needs help?
I think I could use a Han here.
-
What's concurrency?
Fake money they use in prisons.
-
What is the best way to find out if someone is ticklish?
Use your test tickles
-
How do I find answers using Google.com?
on Yahoo Answers. Stand by while the internet divides itself by zero.
-
What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
Slow down and use lubricant.
-
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
-
What internet provider does Satan use in hell?
Comcast
-
How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?
Slow down and use some lube
-
What do you do if your daughter starts smoking?
Slow down and use lube.
-
Why do priests have lots of kids?
They always use the holy condoms.
-
How is a marriage like a hot bath?
A: Once you get used to it it's not so hot.
-
What's the difference between Tony Abbott and a coffee machine?
One is a cold heartless machine, used by everyone... ...And the other is useful with a Cafe. Gnite folks!
-
Who uses a Rubik's Fleshlight?
Incubators.
-
Which program do Jedis use to open PDF files?
Adobe Wan Kenobi.
-
How do you make tear-free soap?
Don't use child labor.
-
What kind of footwear do Whitewalkers use?
The Hodor-eliminating kind.
-
What kind of soap do you use to clean a dirty joke?
Bawdy wash.
-
Why can't they use PC's as word-processors in Poland?
The screens keep on filling up with white-out.
-
Why is it never a good idea to use a Chinese phone book?
There are so many Wings and Wongs, you might wing a wong number.
-
What type of transporter does Mr. Scott use?
A Beemer.
-
Why are Ethiopian's teeth so white?
Because they never use them
-
How do Jedis close their programs on a Mac?
They use Force quit.
-
Why did Microsoft name their new web browser "Edge"?
Because people familiar with the U2 guitarist of the same name are already used to long delays.
-
What do builders use to make websites?
Com.crete.
-
Why did the bumble bee have sticky fur?
Because he used a honey comb.
-
How much do used batteries cost?
Nothing, they are free of charge.
-
What would Paul McCartney say after losing both his legs?
Suddenly....I'm not half the man I used to be....."
-
How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat?
You use a spirit level.
-
What do you say to the cashier when you're adamant about using an expired coupon?
dis counts!!
-
Why did voldermort used Twitter instead of Facebook?
Because he only had followers. Not friends.
-
Why did the internet pirate get scurvy?
He couldn't use Lime Wire anymore.
-
What kind of drugs do ducks use?
Quack.
-
What do prisoners used to talk to each other in jail?
Cell Phones.
-
Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?
He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine" c/o /u/jubileo5
-
What is the difference between motorbike and boyfriend?
A: Well, bike is first kicked than used and boyfriend is first used than kicked ZZZZ ... :)
-
What phrase would a neckbeard who watches South Park use the most?
M'Kay
-
Why can't Black Beard use the N-word?
He always says it with a hard "arrr."
-
Why does your little brother jump up and down before taking his medicine?
Boy: Because he read the label and it said 'shake well before using.'
-
How do you kiss a girl on valentines day?
You use tulips.
-
What's it called when you look in the mirror and say "jesus christ I look good"?
Using the lords name in vanity
-
What was Rudolph's nickname?
Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names. Credit to my dad.
-
What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online?
Papal
-
Why do Republicans use rulers?
They want everything to be straight.
-
Who was the least funny U.S. President?
FDR. His standup could use some work.
-
What do ducks use to get high?
Quack cocaine
-
What's the difference between Karate and Judo?
Karate is a martial art and Judo is used to make bagels.
-
Why do women only use putters while playing golf?
Because women can't drive.
-
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For Drizzle.
-
What does the Pope use to dry his hands?
Papal towels.
-
What kind of bathroom does Napoleon use?
A Waterloo
-
Why don't american have a bullet train?
They use the bullets to train the military.
-
What do Hutts use to program computers?
JabbaScript
-
What machine should I use at the gym to impress girls?
The ATM
-
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
-
When I'm dead, I'm going to haunt offices and say, "OooOoo... why are you using your mouse?
hit Control-C... you're taking forever..."
-
What PC does Adele use?
A Dell.
-
Why does a barber never shave a man with a wooden leg?
Because he always uses a razor.
-
How did Magic Johnson get Aids?
By using his Magic Johnson.
-
Why did the boy stop using his Sony, his Boombox, and his Bose Radio?
He stopped believing in stereotypes.
-
Why couldn't I use the Palestinian toilet?
It was occupied.
-
What did Obi-wan say to Luke at the Chinese restaurant?
Use the fork, Luke.
-
How Does Snoop Dogg Do His Laundry?
He uses a lot of BLEAYOTCH!
-
What do you call a smiley face if someone uses it that lives in an igloo?
An Eskimoji
-
How do you spell "we" with two letters without using the letters W and E?
U and I.
-
What music service do potatoes like to use?
Spudify.
-
How many r/jokes commenters does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know but that reminds me of a similar joke my uncle used to tell...
-
What cheese do hunters use to goad a bear out from its cave in the winter?
Camenbert
-
Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?
Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
-
Which hotel does Link use when he goes on vacation?
The HYAT
-
How do you contact dead window cleaners?
Use a squeegee board.
-
Why has no one invented a device where I can move myself around from place to place while lying in a hammock?
I remember when we used to make stuff in this lazy country!
-
What body of water is used for writing?
The Apostrosea.
-
Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?
She forgot to delete her Bowser history
-
How does a virgin pop her cherry?
by using a bottle opener
-
Why don't smart girls ever get pregnant?
Because they use their head.
-
What did the choir teacher say to the student who asked to use the bathroom?
Of chorus.
-
What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet?
P.Cs of eight P.Cs of eight.
-
What console does god use?
Praystation
-
What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
Electricity.
-
What do you call an "Asian" that loves using moisturizer?
Laotian.
-
Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
-
What do you have when you just used the toilet and realized there's no toilet paper?
A real mess on your hands.
-
What is a Mexican's favorite sport?
It used to be cross country but now it's rock climbing.
-
Why are most Hotwheel cars Ford?
So people can grow up getting used to pushing a Ford.
-
What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?
Little Caesars.
-
Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honeycombs.
-
What do you use to transport pittas?
A flatbread truck
-
What does an asylum have in common with a squirrel's house?
They're both used to store nuts.
-
What did Russians use for light before candles?
Light bulbs
-
What type of gun do time travelers use?
A Clock-18
-
What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet?
Lieutenant
-
What do Mexican midgets use to cut pizza?
Little Caesars
-
Why are people still using a dictionary?
I just type the words into Google and see if it corrects me.
-
Why doesn't Thor of the insect world use a hammer?
He's already got a Thor Axe.
-
What are goosebumps used for?
To keep geese from speeding!
-
What device does Mario use to communicate with the dead?
A Lou-ouija board.
-
What do accountants use for birth-control?
A. Their personalities.
-
What do Asian people use as blindfolds?
Shoe laces.
-
Why don't atheists use exponents?
Because they don't believe in higher powers.
-
What's the difference between a police baton and a magic wand?
Ones used for cunning stunts.
-
What do you call a lighter that is only used for weed?
A highlighter Edit: Or a Bud Light Courtesy of u/isnottoast
-
Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?
He didnt use the main stream
-
How does a religious extremist convert an atheist into a holy man?
They use a machine gun.
-
Why does the NSA hate winter?
Because they're not used to getting Snowden. (I'll see myself out)
-
What does a mother use to keep her childrens' toenails soft and smooth?
A pedi-file
-
What do you call a European using the bathroom?
You're-a-peein"
-
What did scrooge mcduck use to educate huey , dewey and louie?
Duck tapes
-
What do Amish people catch when they start using technology?
Mennonitis!
-
What do canes and blue pills have in common?
They're both ready for use when a man is limp.
-
Who's there ! Buster ! Buster who ?
Buster tire can I use your phone !
-
What brand of pen does Lance Armstrong use?
Uni-ball
-
Why did the old man hate using the new chip cards?
He's trying to watch his sodium intake.
-
What keyboard layout does Miley Cyrus use?
TWERQY.
-
What are the two words men hate most unless used together?
Don't Stop
-
Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"?
She probably gets royalties
-
Why do you fight using only your feet?
Oh, y'know. For kicks.
-
When Greek people play a video game, what settings do they use?
Default
-
Why didn't the blond want to use her phone while using the bathroom?
She was afraid someone would steal her IP address.
-
What do you call a timid person that uses Snapchat?
A snapping turtle!
-
How much is a $1,000,000 Bill worth?
Nothing! You can't use it anywhere!
-
What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policeman's baton?
A magicians wand is used for cunning stuns.
-
How do seals keep their coats so smooth?
They use a sea lion.
-
Why didn't they use Black Phosphorous?
It doesn't work.
-
What do you call an armoire that is secretly used as a closet?
A closet closet.
-
Why don't they have phone books in China?
Because everyone uses the Internet to look up phone numbers or people don't have landlines anymore and cell phone numbers aren't listed in the phone book. Also people use social media to communicate and connect with people.
-
What do Russians use to censor websites?
The Inter-nyet.
-
Why was the skeleton using the Internet?
To bone up on his schoolwork.
-
What kind of cheese do you use to hide a small horse?
Mascarpone!
-
What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction?
Jet fuel can't melt steel beams
-
Why do bald-headed men never use keys?
Because they've lost their locks.
-
What do you use to find Greek restaurants?
A gyroscope.
-
What do bad dancers have in common with Michael J Fox trying to use the soft serve ice cream machine?
They both have a hard time pulling off a twist.
-
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.
-
Why do console gamers use their in game names in real life?
They haven't got anti-aliasing.
-
Who has one thumb and isn't allowed to use the table saw anymore?
This guy.
-
Which part of a billiards setup can you use to clean your ears?
The cue tip.
-
What do Chinese bears use to cook?
A pan. Duh!
-
Which insurance company does Bernie Sanders use?
Progressive.
-
What did the bee use to dry off after swimming?
A *bee*ch towel. What did the bee use to get out the tangles A honeycomb.
-
What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans?
That's grounds for divorce!"
-
Why does a girl who uses chewing tobacco give the best head?
Because she's knows what to spit and what to swallow.
-
How do you divide old Rome?
Using a pair of Caesars.
-
What does Al-Libi use for his defense during his trial?
His alibi.
-
What do they use frozen band-aids for?
A: Cold cuts.
-
Whatcha makin'?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making Satan: A bong.
-
What shoes does ninjas use?
Sneakers.
-
What do you call it when you use Icy Hot as lube?
Fire in the hole!
-
Why should you never tell jokes on the ice?
The ice might crack up! I use this at the beginning of conversations... it's a reall ice breaker.
-
How many feminists does it take to screw in lightbulb?
It doesn't matter how many you get, because all they'll do is sit around complaining about how misogynistic the use of the word "screw" is.
-
What kind of tape do kidnappers use?
abDUCT tape
-
Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!
-
How can you tell that a black person used your computer?
It's gone.
-
What did the dance instructor say to her student when the student wanted to use her bathroom?
Skip to my loo.
-
What is the most used language in programming?
Profanity.
-
How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?
Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
-
Why was the hen banned from sending e-mails?
She was always using fowl language.
-
What do you get when a superhero has to use the restroom?
A comic relief.
-
What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
-
Why did the atheist go to church?
To use the Pokestop.
-
Why did the school principal forbid the use of true/false tests?
It was part of the school's anti Boolean campaign.
-
Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease?
Because the condition was untweetable.
-
Why are they using two ply toilet paper in Russia?
Because authorities want a carbon copy of all matters.
-
How do you spell "laughing out loud" by using binary?
1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1
-
Why do Soviets use lowercase letters?
Because they don't understand CAPitalism
-
What's the difference between a blimp and 365 used condoms?
One's a Goodyear, the other's an awesome year.
-
What kind of cheese do you use to entice a bear?
Camembert!
-
Why did the student do their multiplication problems on the floor?
Their teacher told them not to use tables!
-
Why do prison guards use Proactive?
To prevent further breakouts.
-
How do you catch a whale?
You wait until last call and use a good pick up line.
-
What happens when Lucy starts using 100% of her brain?
She's almost as smart as a man.
-
Why did the man use deodorant to fix a broken window?
He read that it was an invisible solid.
-
Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?
Adobe Wan Kenobi
-
Why did Lucy fall off the swing?
Jimmy pushed her... Which is a shame because she was getting used to swinging without arms.
-
How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?
A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant!
-
Which area of Zelda: Ocarina of time uses the most resources?
The long long farm.
-
What are pigskins used for?
Holding the pig together.
-
Why couldn't the Jedi open the door?
He didn't use enough force...
-
Why did the knight stop using the internet?
Because he was sick of chainmail.
-
Why did people use insulation containing deadly toxins?
It was asbestos they could do at the time!
-
What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: looks at feet They're using boards
-
What do you call a nun using katana?
Nunja.
-
What do bees do if they want to use public transport ?
Wait at a buzz stop !
-
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Roll them into a tire and call it a Goodyear.
-
What do aliens use to buy their coffee?
starbucks
-
What's your cell phone?
iPhone. - No, I meant the number. - It's a 6. - No, to contact you. - I don't use it for that.
-
Why can't you use "Beef stew"as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
-
What kind of money do they use on superman's home planet?
Kryptocurrency
-
What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?
A Czech Republic
-
How do you use a philosophy degree in a professional context?
Why* would you like fries with that
-
How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.
-
What do you call a guy that used to fight in the ring, but quit it all for video games?
An ex-boxer.
-
How do ducks fly high?
They use quack!
-
What hand do you wipe with?
Answer: left or right Response: why not use toilet paper
-
What should you do when your girlfriend starts smoking??
Slow down and maybe use some lube...
-
Why did the plant use a dating service?
To find its stomate!
-
What name does Jesus use when delivering pizzas?
Chjesus Chrust *Thanks I will show myself out*
-
What do you call a Winston using his Jetpack?
A Boosted Animal
-
What kind of tableware do gym trainers use?
Pilates
-
How can you tell if someone is ticklish?
You use test tickles
-
Which Norse God consistently uses VPNs?
Ill give you a hint, he remains very low-key.
-
What's the best fabric Softener to use on a cat?
Pounce...
-
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes?
A: Rep Tiles
-
When do you use duct tape on a duck?
When he's quacked.
-
What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops?
Demeter.
-
What kind of batteries do stuttering Canadians use?
Triple Eh's.
-
How do you know when a guy is really in love with his girlfriend?
When he starts using condoms with other girls.
-
What does Mario use to talk to dead people?
A Luigi Board
-
What do you use to buy drinks?
Bar tender
-
Why do towels get dirty?
If we use towels just to dry ourselves after washing off dirt and what not. Why do they get dirty??
-
What do you call the camera used for colonoscopys?
A GoProbe.
-
What do you call it when a plant used TV Tropes?
A TV Tropism.
-
Why do ghosts never age?
They use Bootox.
-
What do zombies use to prepare their turkeys for cooking on the smoker?
Briiiiines...
-
What mysterious hair product does Lucifer use to keep himself looking good?
Arcane-gel!
-
How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer?
How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer? When there's white-out all over the screen
-
What is easier to load your van with bowling balls or screaming baby's?
Baby's because you can use a pitchfork
-
What device did Jared Fogle use to keep track of his exercise progresswhen he lost over 200 pounds on the Subway diet?
A pedometer
-
When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress?
I'd prefer if you included tigress
-
Why did the pet owner get upset with his parrot?
because he was using too much fowl language
-
What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal?
nice watch"
-
Where're you going?
Me: To dinner with my friends! Mom: Your friends Me: I'm going to use McDonalds' free Wifi to get on twitter...
-
How do you speak to a deaf Ted Cruz?
Use zodiac signs
-
What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles?
Electricity.
-
Why dont they use phone books in China?
Because they have so many Wing's and Wong's That they might Wing the Wong Numba!!!
-
What subreddit do unborn babies use?
Pro Life Tips.
-
What size lumber is used to build homes in Dubai?
Dubai fours
-
Why are you still using it?
Sentimental attachment. -It just caught fire. -Aww, just like old times.
-
Why should you never use r/television 's fridge to store mutton?
It always spoils the GoT.
-
How do I like using Tinder?
It's all right!
-
Why couldn't the pirate use the bubblegum vending machine?
Because there is no quarter for the wicked.
-
Why do virgins never stand still?
They are used to being chaste.
-
Why do conspiracy theorists have such long beards?
Because they don't know how to use Occam's razor
-
What products do you use for grooming?
she asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, "Facebook"
-
Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom?
Because her pee is silent.
-
Why don't Geordies use scales?
Because they can weigh things by eye man.
-
What moisturiser do bullfighters use?
Olay.
-
Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house?
They have to use their Endor voices.
-
What did they used to be made from before the 1960s?
Potatoes
-
What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?
Logger-rhythms.
-
What do logicians use to shave?
Occam's razor
-
How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?
There is lotion and used tissues laying around
-
What is the most recycled joke that keeps getting used?
Your mom.
-
What is a banged-up used car?
A car in first-crash condition.
-
Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!
-
What did socialists use before candles?
Electricity
-
WhatsApp and SMS ?
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
-
What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?
Remorse code
-
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Christmas is over?
OC (please use your Ahnold voice) Hasta la vista, Baby....Jesus.
-
What do pirates use to copy files?
Yarrrrrsync!
-
What belongs to me but is used the most by others?
My ex-wife
-
Where do cats go once they have used up all nine of their lives?
Purrgatory.
-
Why is it best to ship boxes using a UPS truck?
The DOWNS truck is a little slow.
-
What did the stupid ghost do?
He used to climb over walls.
-
Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't use a pitchfork on the bowling balls.
-
What do Asgardians use to keep food hot?
A Thormos.
-
Why do rabbits prefer IPA's over other kinds of beers?
Because they use extra hops
-
How many emojis will she use?
Show your work.
-
How do you find white shirts on the Internet?
Use a starch engine.
-
What do you use when you have dry eyes?
Moist-your-eyes-er
-
What cheese is used to block online streaming?
Edam
-
Why couldn't Sally use the swings?
She had no arms Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally. What did Sally get for her Birthday? We don't know, she didn't open it yet.
-
Why does the USA use F?
The rest of the world has varying degrees of communism.
-
Why do we always ran out of toothpicks?
Nanny: I don't know maam. I always return it after using.
-
Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it Elf-raising flour of course.
-
Why does Luke Skywalker never have trouble getting laid?
Because he always uses the force.
-
Why did Luke Skywalker get in trouble for using the Live Long and Prosper sign?
It's because he was accused of cultural appropriation.
-
Why wouldn't the bald man let anyone use his comb?
A: He couldn't part with it.
-
Why do Christian bands only record with Pro Tools?
Because they don't understand how to use Logic or Reason.
-
What do you call people who use the pull out method?
Parents
-
Why did the blind man use chopsticks?
Because he couldn't see the point in forks.
-
What do lesbians use to get on top of a building?
A scissor lift.
-
Why did the plant say after being watered?
I'm not hungry exactly, but I could still use a light snack".
-
What am I?
I start with a v and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I? I'll post the answer in 10 minutes.
-
What do you call it when you go to the store just to use their dumbbells and then leave?
Shoplifting
-
What do you use when you are drowning in women?
A flirtation device.
-
Why do political yes-men use so much Raid?
Because they're sycophants!
-
What does Marshawan Lynch use to keep himself calm before the big game?
Marsh-Mellows
-
Why did Newton's wife got pregnant?
Because he doesn't believe in using quantum
-
Why do you want to be Jedi?
Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army To keep the peace
-
What do you call people who use the "pull out" method for contraception?
Parents.
-
How can you tell that the movie Martian is not realistic?
Because Americans use imperial unit system.
-
What do Dothraki use to count their horses?
A Khalculator
-
How does a cougar obtain the perfect tan?
She uses a perfect son.
-
How do pianists remember which groceries to buy?
They use a Chopin Liszt!
-
What products do I use for grooming?
She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook."
-
What did the soldier use to season his fries?
A salt rifle.
-
How did the flea learn to use the internet?
He had to start from scratch.
-
Why can't a vegetable win an argument?
Cuz he always uses a straw, man!
-
What do Greeks use to listen to music?
Spartify
-
What bait do you use to catch a space fish?
A worm hole
-
What does Lebron use to high jump?
The Flosberry Flop.
-
What's black, covered in teeth marks and no longer in use?
Philip Seymour Hoffman's belt.
-
What kind of money does Mario use?
8-bitcoins
-
Why does Bernie Sanders use Snapchat?
Damn E-mails!
-
How is she?
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".
-
Where'd you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right Me: Coupon *wife faints*
-
How does Super Mario contact the dead?
He uses a Luigi board.
-
What do you call using Tinder while you are in the bathroom?
A swipe and wipe.
-
What technique does a prisoner use when coloring a picture?
Cell shading.
-
What do Child predators use to get dry skin off of their feet?
A Pedofile
-
What's up, punk?
Nothing," he replied, "I've just never seen a man using hair rollers before."
-
Why doesn't the Kentucky Fried Chicken use toilet paper?
It's finger licking good.
-
What is the craziest/weirdest/most interesting/most unique/ uncommon phrase you've ever heard ?
I am working on a project, and its going to revolve around a phrase. I need it to be really out there, yet could be used in everyday life. But honestly just give me anything you got.
-
What's 18 inches long and never gets used?
Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.
-
What keyboard shortcut is extensively used by journalists who work for Breitbart News?
alt right
-
What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
A: surname
-
Why did the liontamer stop using WinZip?
because lions only understand .rars
-
Why don't they use Macs/iPads in hospitals?
Because using an Apple a day keeps the doctors away.
-
What do Australians use for sun burns?
Aloe, mate. I'm sorry
-
What kind of cheese can be used to build a structure?
Cottage cheese.
-
What small plant is used in war?
The millitree.
-
Why can't a nihilist use a pencil?
because they cant find the point.
-
What's the simplest way to make edibles?
Using an easy-bake oven.
-
What do somolian pirates use as weapons?
Arrrrpg's
-
What kind of cheese would you use to disguise a small horse?
Mascarpone
-
What do you use to compare and contrast nordic cultures?
A Sven diagram!
-
How can you tell Voldemort used the bathroom before you?
He leaves a dark mark
-
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use Lubricant.
-
How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night?
He used a skeleton key.
-
Why do the ladies love Jesus?
This joke makes more sense if you can see it in person, but we'll give it a shot, anyway. Use your imagination. Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he was hung like this!
-
How do Vampires Make Tea?
Used Tampons
-
How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?
He uses Hare Spray... (Ill see myself out)
-
What do math majors get when they graduate?
A radian. Math majors don't use degrees.
-
Why doesn't anyone in insert nations capital use the toilet in the morning?
So they have something to do at night.
-
Why aren't burgers the least bit scared of Halloween?
They're used to people 'goblin' them!
-
What do you call 1,000 liberals at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start! **an old joke that my dad used to tell at every party. You could replace "liberals" with pretty much anything.
-
What did the sheep use to shave before his wedding?
Elopping shears
-
What's the difference between LinkedIn and McDonald's?
McDonald's knows how to use salt
-
What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?
To keep their hats pointed.
-
What Counting system does Valve use?
Trinary
-
Why do arabs use Colgate before going to the airport?
because it provides cavity protection
-
How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?
A.It's cloged up with paper plates.
-
What currency do they use in space?
Star Bucks.
-
Why do women love chocolate?
Because it's the only time 'rich' and 'dark' are used to describe the same thing.
-
How do you move a 2000 lb dinosaur?
Don't know?? Use DINO-MITE
-
Why did the mummy stop using the Internet?
He was getting far too wrapped up in it.
-
What do Jedi use to view PDF files?
Adobe-Wan Kenobi
-
What do rappers use to wash their clothes?
BLEEE-AAAACH!
-
What type of milk does Mitt Romney use with his cereal?
The one percent
-
Why do we use black pens on white paper?
So hangman is more realistic.
-
What game console do Latinos use most?
XBOX JUAN
-
What do Jedi use to open PDF files?
Adobe wan Kenobi.
-
What do comic book collectors use in their hair?
Mint conditioner.
-
What do French Business Men use to ice their cakes?
Franchicing
-
Why do terrorist use Nokia phones?
so they can reuse the phone after the explosion
-
Why was the scientist allowed to use dolphins for his experiments?
Because they were for test porpoise only
-
What does Mario use to get his hot dogs off the grill?
He uses his Donkey Tongs.
-
What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool?
A broad abroad on a board aboard.
-
How does Google clean their facilities?
They use Google Mops.
-
What do ghosts use to predict the future?
Horror-scopes!
-
What is something you can use to find the pH of tree sap?
A log!
-
When driving through fog what should you use?
A: Your car.
-
What should you use to make a boat explode?
A weapon of mast destruction.
-
What do you call some soapy water on the floor?
Now you're just some bubbles that I used to blow.
-
How did 1337 Jesus escape his tomb?
X-Post from ProgrammerHumor) He used an encrypted key.
-
Why can't ewoks yell in the house?
Because they have to use their Endor voices.
-
Which perfume do you use ?
It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."
-
How did Christopher Columbus find India?
He used Apple Maps.
-
What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety?
Past tense.
-
When does 1+1=3?
When you don't use a condom.
-
What do nuns use for skincare?
Extra virgin oil.
-
What's the difference between a potato and a vegetable...?
Not knowing how to use a coathanger...
-
What do engineers use for birth control?
Their personality.
-
Why do all travelers use the road to get to Jordans most popular destination?
Because they're all Petra-flied of using the air!
-
Which hand did Henry VIII use to wipe his bottom with?
Anne Boleyn's.
-
What kind of operating system do horses use?
None. Horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter.
-
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep. Why do elephants have trunks? Sheep don't have strings.
-
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use a bathroom?
The p is silent.
-
What does the KKK use to bake cookies?
White flour!
-
Why do prison guards use Proactive all the time?
So they can prevent breakouts.
-
What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves?
Your mom.
-
What does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the bathroom?
Nothing, the pee is silent
-
What do you call a field used to grow bows and arrows?
An archerd.
-
How many dank memes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter, just use the jet fuel instead.
-
What do you call people who use the pull-out method?
Mom and Dad.
-
How do you get into a haunted house?
By using a spookey!
-
What do you call an apology written using dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
-
How does a boat captain determine his profit?
By using aquadratic equation. (Via my coworker)
-
What batteries do turtles use?
Durashells
-
What do rappers use to write their lyrics?
Word,yo.
-
What kind of CB Radio do seagulls use?
Squawky-talkies!
-
Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?
A: So she could use it as a mirror.
-
Why are people from Arkansas so good at Science?
Because they use the Theory of Relativity to find a partner.
-
Why does flint never get any likes on their Instagram pictures?
Cause they don't use a filter.
-
Why Do Republican Couples Keep A Copy Of Ronald Reagan's Biography Next To Their Bed?
So that it can be used as an
-
What Social Media site do the undead use?
Tomblr.
-
What did terrorists used to call Fidel Castro?
Infidel Castro
-
How to make a dog meow or your cat bark?
Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof
-
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
-
What do lesbians use for lubricant?
Tartar sauce!
-
How long have you been waiting to use that joke?
He happily says, "Since 2009!"
-
Where do Bees use the bathroom?
At the BP station. (thanks grandma)
-
What do the twin towers and genders have in common?
There used to be exactly two, and now it's too offensive to talk about.
-
What does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella for?
Fo Drizzle!
-
Why did the hippy teach the lumberjack calculus?
So he'd use natural logs!
-
What do Romans use to cut their pizza?
Little Caesars.
-
What cell carrier do Mormons use?
Virgin Mobile
-
What is the most common phrase used in school ?
Pupil : I don't know Teacher: Correct !
-
Why do black men make such good husbands?
Because they're already used to being whipped.
-
What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use?
Uniball.
-
What programming language do they use in Star Wars?
JawaScript
-
Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?
The knife just wasn't cutting it.
-
What kind of soap do Middle Eastern citizens use?
Arab spring
-
Why are ghosts always just moaning?
Did your manners die too Use your words!
-
What do snakes use to build clocks?
Metal Gears
-
What has 2 legs but doesn't use them?
A man named Bob running down a train track (only Asians will understand)
-
Why do humans mainly use the decimal number system?
It's just what we tend to do
-
What evil do the USA and Darth Vader have in common?
Using imperial units.
-
What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans?
Plot Holders.
-
What do you call a cellphone company that uses nuclear power?
Cher-Mobile
-
What kind of dough do Hobbit bakers use?
Frodough.
-
What satellite TV provider does ISIS use?
Daesh Network
-
How do you call the social media that your grandmother uses?
Instagran
-
What version of windows does Jesus use?
XP Edit: Explanation(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ChiRho)
-
What sort of cheese do you use to get a bear to go on a outing with you?
Camembert
-
What would Game of Thrones be called if it was about ice cream?
Game of Cones If it was about sword sharpening: Game of Hones If it was just everyone playing Go: Game of Stones If everyone was single: Game of Alones If it was about balls: Game of Throwns If it was about spooky scary skeletons: Game of Bones If everyone used UAVs to fight: Game of Drones If everyone was a banker: Game of Loans If it was about breakfast foods: Game of Scones
-
Why don't hypochondriacs... Why don't hypochondriacs use lighters?
They're afraid of catching fire!
-
What kind of fabric does Mario use?
Denim denim denim.
-
Why do spies never use capitalization?
They like to stay low-key.
-
How do you get a baby in and out of a small bowl?
Use a blender to get it in, use tortilla chips to get it out!
-
How does Kylo Ren talk on the phone in his helmet?
He uses a hans free device
-
Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?
There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.
-
What do you use to make boot soup?
Birkenstock
-
What font was used on Wyatt Earp's tombstone?
Sans Sheriff.
-
Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line?
eFISHancy!
-
What does a pig use to write his term papers with?
Pen and Oink!
-
What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
-
What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?
GINGER.
-
Why do redditors make such good fencers?
They're used to dealing with ripostes.
-
What would Steve Urkel say if he used The Force?
Jedi do that?
-
Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts?
Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers
-
What do black people and bikes have in common?
Both get thrown out when they have no use
-
What's the most common activity people do while wearing safety vests?
Reflect! I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'
-
What is owned by you but mostly... What is owned by you but mostly used by others?
Your name! -
-
What does Popeye use to toss his salad?
Olive Oil.
-
What kind of currency do they use in space?
Starbucks
-
Why do girls always go in threes when using the restroom?
Because they can't even.
-
What has everyone been using to get ice of their cars in the morning?
I've been using a discount card, but I can only ever get 20% off
-
What adjective do you use to describe a bad pun?
Pungent
-
What do Spiderman and I have in common?
We both end up with sticky hands after using the web.
-
What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common?
They both can be used to carry vegetables....
-
Why did they start using liquid soaps in prisons?
if you thought because you can't drop it, guess again) Because it takes longer to pick up.
-
What kind of vehicle did they use to transport prisoners to concentration camps during the holocaust?
Ju-Haul
-
What's does an extractor fan sound like?
I used to love tractors
-
What does a mentally challenged Time Lord use for travel?
A retardis.
-
How do you call a black guy that uses testosterone boosters?
Testostyrone.
-
What to Australian Trains use as fuel?
Coal-Ala
-
What do Mexicans use with the Wii-U?
Amiigo
-
What do you use to gamble on vacation?
Pair-a-dice!
-
Why do sailors use liquid soap?
It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.
-
What else do you need when you use your Batman shampoo?
Conditioner Gordon.
-
What did Pat Benatar say to the kid throwing cereal at her?
Stop using Chex as a weapon!
-
Why did the little boy use his inhaler?
No wheezin'"
-
How do you stop a metal from rusting?
Use some antioxidants
-
What's the best machine I can use?
The trainer responds, "The ATM"
-
Why are Jedis allowed to use negative numbers?
Because only Siths deal in absolutes.
-
How do you put a baby to sleep?
You rock them. What if it doesn't work? Use a bigger rock.
-
Whatsapp & Facebook?
My Dad:We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
-
What is the most common question asked by iPhone users?
Does anyone have a charger I could use "
-
What did the boy say when he had trouble using glue?
I'm stuck.
-
What gun do you use to hunt a moose?
A moosecut!
-
What does Batman use to wash his hair?
Conditioner Gordon.
-
What's that coffee drink with icecream?
I used to know it, but... Affogato.
-
Why does Bob Ross not use a condom?
Because he doesn't make mistakes, only happy little accidents.
-
What type of perfume do kidnappers use?
chloroform
-
Why did the computer get a virus?
He wasn't using protection.
-
What does Joan Jett use when her lips are chapped?
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry balm!
-
How does a cactus do his math homework?
He uses a cacti-lator!
-
What's the worst thing that could happen if you don't use a condom?
Your parents would know!
-
What do pessimists use... Q: What do pessimists use to wash their clothes?
A: Deterrent.
-
Why doesn't Ganon use the Internet?
There were too many Links.
-
How do snails get their shells all shiny?
They use snail polish.
-
Why can't PC gamers use Uber?
Too many incompatible drivers.
-
Why did the fastest animal on earth got disqualified on the race?
Because it is using steroids.
-
How do Asians execute white people?
They cut off their heads using a Gweilotine.
-
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
-
Why did the magician always use trap doors during his act?
It was juts a stage he was going through.
-
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the breakfast table?
A: "Use the fork, Luke."
-
What kind of laundry detergent do handicapped people use?
Downy. I apologize for this one, it's pretty mean. I really do sympathize with handicapped people.
-
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
-
Why dose the navy use liquid soap?
Because it takes longer to pick up.
-
What do Australian emos use to cut their wrists?
Rise up lights
-
What's the most commonly used Muslim woman punch called?
Hijab
-
What do you call a scam artist who uses his vocabulary to commit crimes?
A LexiCon
-
How much do I use my new lamp?
It's often on!
-
How many Global Warming nutjobs does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they don't use light bulbs. They live in caves and use no forms of artificial energy because they wouldn't want to be perceived as hypocrites or morons.
-
What do you call it when a Bulgarian uses vulgar language?
A Bulgarity.
-
Why use words you don't understand in your tweets?
It just makes you look photosynthesis.
-
How are your English lessons coming along?
Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."
-
What gym equipment does Jesus use?
A cross trainer.
-
Why would they add "twerk" to the dictionary?
People that would use said word can't read.
-
Why did my husband die?
Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"
-
How often do you use algebra?
Equationally.
-
What's the difference between... A gold fish and a mountain goat?
One mucks about the mountain. What's the difference between a police batton and a magician's wand One is used for cunning stunts.
-
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?
He uses the finest ingredients.
-
What is, aside from being rubber, the similarity between an old car tire and 365 used condoms?
It was a Good Year...
-
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the restroom?
Because they're extinct
-
What do mathematicians use to get fast delivery?
Amazon'
-
What does Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse have in common?
They both used to be on top gear.
-
What did the LGBT art teacher tell the kids to use when their projects needed glue ?
wait for it ... wait for it ...) brucilage !!!!!!!!
-
How do you count cows?
You use a cow-culator. Or you round them up. Or any other method the commenters want.
-
How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it." Tips fedora
-
Why is an egg like a young horse?
Because it can't be used until it's broken!
-
What did the Ancient Romans use to cut their hair?
Caesars.
-
Where are the colored printers?
I said "Dude... it's 2014, you can use whichever printer you want"
-
What app do you use to browse Reddit on your phone?
9gag
-
Why does no-one use the rhinos ATM?
Because he charges!
-
What do you have to use to check a test on Telemarketing?
A Scamtron.
-
How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.
-
What do monkeys sleep on?
Apricots. I used to love this joke when I was a little kid and told it over and over. I'm still a little in love with it for that reason. What are some of your favorite jokes from when you were a little kid?
-
What's your favourite animal joke?
I give tours at a zoo. Each tour goes for a couple of hours so it is good to engage the guests and make the tour a bit more fun. What is your favourite animal joke I can use at work?
-
Why couldn't I call back a Bernie Sanders volunteer?
Because they were using a Berner Phone.
-
Why do rappers love weed so much?
Because the majority of their relatives used to pick it