Use Jokes

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

What would Paul McCartney say after losing both his legs?

Suddenly....I'm not half the man I used to be....."

How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it." Tips fedora

What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personality.

Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom?

Because her pee is silent.

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How do you count cows?

You use a cow-culator. Or you round them up. Or any other method the commenters want.

What's does an extractor fan sound like?

I used to love tractors

Why is the LSU football team like my car?

They both used to have Les (less) Miles!

What type of perfume do kidnappers use?

chloroform

What did the dance instructor say to her student when the student wanted to use her bathroom?

Skip to my loo.

Why does the NSA hate winter?

Because they're not used to getting Snowden. (I'll see myself out)

Why don't atheists use exponents?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

What PC does Adele use?

A Dell.

What do you call a scam artist who uses his vocabulary to commit crimes?

A LexiCon

What do Dothraki use to count their horses?

A Khalculator

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Why did the knight stop using the internet?

Because he was sick of chainmail.

What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?

Remorse code

What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans?

Plot Holders.

How do you speak to a deaf Ted Cruz?

Use zodiac signs

Why did the old man hate using the new chip cards?

He's trying to watch his sodium intake.

What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist?

Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI

Why do prison guards use Proactive all the time?

So they can prevent breakouts.

What would Game of Thrones be called if it was about ice cream?

Game of Cones If it was about sword sharpening: Game of Hones If it was just everyone playing Go: Game of Stones If everyone was single: Game of Alones If it was about balls: Game of Throwns If it was about spooky scary skeletons: Game of Bones If everyone used UAVs to fight: Game of Drones If everyone was a banker: Game of Loans If it was about breakfast foods: Game of Scones

Why don't the French need air conditioner?

They use 2-in-1 shampoo

How did Jesus get to the other side of the street?

He used the Cross Walk.

What does Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse have in common?

They both used to be on top gear.

How do you call the social media that your grandmother uses?

Instagran

What do somolian pirates use as weapons?

Arrrrpg's

What am I?

I start with a v and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I? I'll post the answer in 10 minutes.

What drug does the lord use to get work done?

God speed.

How did Pavlov keep his dogs so fluffy?

He used conditioner on them.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?

For Drizzle.

What's the simplest way to make edibles?

Using an easy-bake oven.

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

What do nuns use for skincare?

Extra virgin oil.

What did the sheep use to shave before his wedding?

Elopping shears

What do elephants use for tampons?

Sheep. Why do elephants have trunks? Sheep don't have strings.

How does a cougar obtain the perfect tan?

She uses a perfect son.

How to make a dog meow or your cat bark?

Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof