Drink Jokes

  • Why are law students known for drinking?

    They are getting ready for the Bar exam.

  • How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

  • What did the bartender day to the man who was drinking his vodka to fast?

    Stop "Russian"

  • How did Bob loose his job at the sperm bank?

    He was always drinking on the job

  • How many Mormons does it take to drink a 12 pack of beer?

    One if nobody is watching.

  • How much has this man had to drink?

    Nurse: "I can't tell." Dr: "It's ok; you can tell me. I'm a doctor"

  • What do you call a bartender giving two dolphins a drink?

    Serving dual porpoises!

  • What do you call an organized group of people waiting to get drinks?


  • What do anemic people drink?

    Pale ale

  • Why do sailors drink so much?

    We sleep better when the room is moving

  • Why do you have to pee so quickly after you start drinking beer?

    Because it doesn't have to stop off to change color!

  • What does an alcoholic ghost drink?


  • Why aren't you allowed alcohol on a golf course?

    Because it's a crime to drink and drive.

  • What happened to the native man that drank 23 cups of tea?

    He went home and drowned in his tea pee.

  • Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?

    Because all proper tea is theft.

  • What kind of soda do dogs drink?

    Barq's Root Beer.

  • What do you call a pot smoker that spends every night dancing and drinking with his friends?

    A Rastapartying

  • Where do drinks go on vacation?

    Coaster Rica

  • Why do Americans drink their tea cold?

    Because it takes too long to boil Boston Harbor.

  • Why do the English drink warm beer?

    Lucas refrigerators.

  • What do baby parabola drink?

    Their Quadratic Formula!

  • Why didn't the pig have to pay for drinks on the cruise?

    A: It was all-oink-lusive.

  • Why was the volleyball player drunk at a game?

    Because he spiked his drink

  • When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, Will it work?

    Are there any side effects ' No, it's Can I drink with these '

  • Where do detectives go to have a drink?

    The Search Bar.

  • What is a crowbar?

    A: A place were crows go to get a drink!

  • Why does Peter Dinklage drink Smirnoff?

    Because he can't reach for the Grey Goose

  • What did the German physicist use to drink his beer?

    Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.

  • What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking?

    I set WHO free?"

  • Why is Papyrus taller then Sans?

    Because Papyrus drinks plenty of milk.

  • How do you turn German beer into American Beer?

    Drink it

  • How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

  • Where do Martians drink beer ?

    At a mars bar !

  • What drink can I get you?

    Just ice for Harambe"

  • Why do anarchists only drink herbal infusions?

    Because proper tea is theft.

  • What are you drinking, son?

    Soy milk. -Hola milk, soy tu padre. Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

  • Why do some people cough alot?

    Because they drink to much coughee.

  • What would happen if you crossed Magilla Gorilla with a Saint Bernard?

    It would drink the brandy it would carry and act like a big Gorilla!

  • What should you wear when drinking tea?

    A tea-shirt.

  • What does Batman put in his drink?

    Just ice

  • Why did the photon stop drinking after traveling 670 million miles?

    because Happy Hour ended.

  • Why don't women drink beer at the beach?

    Because they'll get sand in their Schlitz.

  • Why can't redheads get drunk?

    Because they only drink Ginger Ale.

  • What has eight arms and an IQ of 80?

    Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!

  • Where do intergalactic keyboards go to drink?

    Space Bars

  • Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?

    They are for those who don't drink!

  • Why don't people drink pig's milk?

    Because its a bit too sow...

  • What kind of water do ducks drink?

    Bottled Waddle.

  • What tea do hockey players drink?


  • Why should you bring two Mormons with you when you go fishing?

    Because if you only bring one, he'll drink all your beer.

  • What is the difference between a hog and a man?

    A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

  • How do Jazz musicians drink their liquor?

    Straight, No Chaser.

  • What happened to the Milkman?

    He drank all the milk.... makes sense no logically, yes!

  • Why was the hipster drinking milk?

    He liked Ice Cream before it was cool

  • Why is the topmost floor the best place to drink in?

    That's how you set the bar high.

  • What's the phrase for when a bird spills a drink?

    Party fowl.

  • How do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks?

    On the rocks

  • What's the difference between a suicidal ghost hunter and a weaboo alcohol taster?

    One drinks bleach and watches spirits the other drinks spirits and watches Bleach.

  • Why is 9 crying?

    me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet wife: But we're at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

  • Why did the mathematician get pulled over?

    for drinking and deriving

  • What beverage does Bruce Lee like to drink?


  • What does Putin say during his new years speech?

    Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

  • Why don't we drink chicken milk?

    It tastes fowl.

  • How do depressed people lighten' up?

    They drink bleach.

  • What will you be drinking?

    Harambe: I'll have a beer Me: No, he'll have just ice Bartender: Just ice Me: Yes. Justice for Harambe.

  • Why do Anarchists only drink herbal tea?

    Because all proper tea is theft.

  • What do Canadians drink when the beer is all gone?

    Hard eh.

  • How's my baby girl?

    Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much

  • What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit?

    He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.

  • What do you call a preponderance of the evidence that your drink has been compromised?

    Probable Cosby

  • What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

    He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

  • Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?

    Because she was drinking on the job.

  • What's a girl gotta do to get a drink?

    Me: You just give the bartender your order. Her: ... Me: It's really pretty easy. Her: *leaves*

  • What happens when a fly drinks rum?

    It gets buzzed!

  • How do you know you're drinking too many protein shakes?

    You've had whey too much!

  • Why do hipsters drink their Jello?

    They want to have it before it's cool.

  • What is the difference between a camel and a college student?

    Camel can go days without drinking!

  • Why don't Hollywood talent agents drink chocolate milk?

    Because it's not about who you know, but no Yoo-hoo.

  • Why bother drinking water?

    You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.

  • Where did Steve Jobs and Bill Gates go to get a drink?

    The Space Bar

  • Why do you have to take more than one Baptist with you when you go fishing?

    Because if you just take one, he'll drink all your beer.

  • What do ghosts drink for Halloween?


  • Why don't the jedi drink vodka?

    Because only the Sith deal in absolut

  • What will you be having to drink?

    Harambe: I'll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice Me: Yes, justice for Harambe.

  • What did the ninja say to the waiter when asked what to drink?

    The ninja replies with "Wata!"

  • How does Ice-Cube drink his milk?

    Straight Outta Carton.

  • What drink does Santa give to naughty children?


  • What do particle physicists like to drink?

    Pina colliders.

  • What do you call a melon that's had a bit too much to drink?

    A Watermelon...

  • Why won't the members of the Westboro Baptist Church drink whole milk?

    Because it's Homo.

  • Why couldn't the infant insect without toes drink milk?

    He was lack toes and toddler ant

  • What's the difference between RPGs and Drunken Style Kung Fu?

    In the first, you must drink a lot of liquids before battle, but in the latter, you only pretend.

  • Why did James Bond higher a man with Parkinson's to be his butler?

    He likes his drinks shaken, not stirred.

  • Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one?

    If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop

  • Why do elephants drink so much?

    To forget

  • Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

    Cause they hate the French press

  • What did the Norse goddess say to Thor when he drunk dialed her?

    I aint no Valhalla back girl."

  • Why does ISIS only drink drip coffee?

    Because they hate French Press!

  • Why doesn't Marty McFly drink wine?

    Too many Tannens.

  • What can I get you to drink?

    Pepsi" Is Peps- Uh one moment please In kitchen, to manager I don't know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do

  • Why don't cows drink milk?

    because they lactose I don't know why I found this so funny! ready for the down vote to begin 3

  • Why should you always take at least two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

    Because if you take only one he will drink all your beer.

  • What do you mean I've had enough to drink?

    Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.

  • What do you call it when Lenin, Trotsky, and Stalin get together for a drink?

    A communist party

  • Why do hipsters burn their lips when they drink tea?

    Because they drink it before it's cool.

  • What kind of tea do the crime investigation team drink?

    A "casual tea"

  • Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

    Answer: Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

  • What was the last thing that went through JFK Jr's mind when his plane crashed?

    The console. What was JFK Jr's wife drinking when the plane crashed? Ocean Spray.

  • Why dont Calculus majors throw house parties?

    Because you should never drink and derive.

  • What do sick composers drink?

    Tchai Tea

  • Why do elephants drink?

    Well, mostly to forget.....

  • What do you call a French human delicacy?

    Estruckgo I came up with this while drinking french vodka. I am a horrible person when i drink french vodka.

  • What do martial artist love to drink?


  • What do refugees drink?


  • Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine?

    He knew better than to drink and derive.

  • What do white girls drink from?

    OC Muggs!

  • Where does a Martian go for a drink?

    A Mars Bar

  • What's worse: Alzheimer or Parkinson?

    Alzheimer. I'd rather drink my beer shaking than forget to to drink it.

  • Why do people say love is like chemistry?

    Because you can put it in someones drink

  • What do monkeys drink in space?


  • What's the difference between men and pigs?

    Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

  • What tea do footballers drink?


  • Why does ISIS drink instant coffee?

    Because they hate French press!

  • What do you like to drink?

    Programmer: I'm only here for the foo.....................d

  • Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?

    Because proper tea is theft!

  • Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

    Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.

  • Why did the young ghost leave the party?

    Everyone started drinking boo's. Happy Halloween!

  • Why did the cow drink his own milk?

    He needed the cowlcium.

  • What does batman like adding to his drinks?


  • Why are there no black cults?

    Everyone drinks the kool-ade on the first day.

  • Why doesn't Ronald Reagan drink orange juice?

    Because he's dead.

  • What does a BYU coed do when she notices people are drinking at a party?

    She puts her top back on and leaves.

  • What's love?

    Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!

  • What's a man in a hurry like to drink?

    man-go juice!

  • How did the blonde die drinking milk?

    A: The cow fell on her.

  • How much did Harambe drink in the bar?

    Just a couple of shots

  • What's the difference between Naruto and Bleach?

    No one ever told me to drink Naruto

  • What drink does a cannibal have after a long day?

    a handshake!

  • Why should you always take at least two Baptists fishing?

    Because if you take one, he'll drink all your beer

  • What do maimed people drink at 5PM?

    An amputea

  • What do call a cup when drank from by a married woman?

    A Mississippi cup.

  • Why couldn't 5 stop drinking?

    Because it was 2 turnt up

  • What's the difference between a fox and a pig?

    About six drinks

  • What is someone who takes drugs?

    What is someone who drinks What hit you in the face last night

  • How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze?

    You invite two of them.

  • Why do no communists drink Earl Grey tea?

    Because all proper tea is theft.

  • How do you call it when an Irish person goes out for drinks?

    A bargain

  • How many Mormons do you take fishing with you?

    Two. If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

  • What did Jon Snow drink with the wildlings to celebrate a battle victory?

    Ginger ale.

  • What is the only alcoholic beverage Muslim extremists are permitted to drink?

    Smirnoff ISIS

  • What do you call a nun who's drinking a pint?


  • Whats your favourite brand of beer?

    When i was younger, i used to drink any brand of beer, but now i am older Budweiser

  • Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?

    An ape-ricot sour!

  • What do you call a pirate who is lost at sea and has to drink his own pee to survive?

    Aarrrrrrr Kelly!

  • Why should you always invite more than one Baptist on a fishing trip?

    Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.

  • What do mexicans drink in the morning?

    Dos Eggys

  • Why did the man that drank 10 cups of poisoned Lipton not die?

    He drank so much poison it built his immuni-tea.

  • What kind of drink does a ghetto drinks?

    A GHETTOrade

  • Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking?

    It was making him Moody Edit: Guys, its a Harry Potter Joke for those who don't get it.

  • Why did the cultists drink the Kool-Aid?

    To get to the other side.

  • What drink did the Karate Master order?

    Wa-tah! Haha. I'll leave now... (Sorry if already posted. I searched a little bit but found nothing.)

  • What's A Columbian's Favorite Kind of Drink?


  • What do you get if you drink too much Gin?

    A double Gin

  • How much have you had to drink?

    Me: Like six carrot juices Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel

  • What do black people drink during the Holiday Season?


  • What do you use to buy drinks?

    Bar tender

  • How do you get a blonde on the roof?

    Say the drinks are on the house

  • Why does the hobo only drink coffee?

    Because he has no proper tea! Hehehhehahahahhhehveahhs

  • Why does Bernie Sanders only drink skim milk?

    He can't stand the 1%

  • What did the clown say after having a few drinks?

    I'm feeling funny"

  • Why do Communists only drink coffee?

    Because proper tea is theft.

  • Why did the monster drink ten liters of antifreeze?

    So that he didn't have to buy a winter coat.

  • Where do police put their drinks?


  • What did the depressed philosopher say?

    I drink because I am.

  • Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics?

    because they never drink alone.

  • Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

    Because it was making him moody.

  • Who's there ! Buckle ! Buckle who ?

    Buckle get you a drink but not much else !

  • Where did the joke wait to get a drink?

    The punch line...

  • What do you call a person who drinks way too much soda?

    A Coke-o-nut.

  • What happened to the man who died from drinking Shellac?

    He had a *lovely finish*.

  • Why was Lindsay Lohan feeling sleepy?

    He was buying drinks.

  • How did the scuba-diver pay for his drinks?

    With Barnacles (bar nickels)

  • How alcoholic is a drink that's guaranteed to get you drunk?

    Fool proof!

  • Why do people who drink milk struggle to walk?

    Because they lactose.

  • What drink do you have on Halloween?


  • When drinking liquor while watching baseball, at what point will you be the most drunk?

    Bottom of the fifth, of course.

  • What's a snowman's favorite drink?

    Bartender: idk Me: Brrrr-bon lol Bartender: ... Me: jk snowmen don't drink they aren't real

  • What do you call an overweight star wars fanatic who drinks too much coffee?

    Java the Hutt

  • What's worse than finding a horse's head on your pillow?

    A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night !

  • What does Batman put in his drinks?

    Just ice.

  • What does the man say when he walks into the bar?

    Can I please get a drink "

  • How do you get a Mormon to not drink all of your beer on a fishing trip?

    Bring two Mormons.

  • What do people drink at Club Obi-Wan?

    Qui-Gon Gin.

  • What do horses drink at the bar?


  • What do you call it when Kony drinks too much?


  • How does Craig Venter drink beer?

    Shotgun method

  • What do toads drink ?

    Croaka-cola !

  • Why can't I have coffee?

    Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

  • Why should you always take two Mormon's fishing?

    Cause if you take one, he'll drink all your beer

  • Where do you get a drink on Excel?

    Formula bar

  • Why are you ordering so many drinks?

    The dog responds, "I've had a ruff day."

  • Why did the man open a rooftop bar?

    He wanted to have drinks on the house.

  • Why do ghosts like going out?

    So they can drink boo-ze and get sheet-faced.

  • What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking?

    A leave of Absinthe.

  • What do you call a hillbilly giraffe that lives in a trailer and drinks beer all day?

    A rednnnnnneeeeeeeccccccccckkkkkk.

  • What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

    Me: You really aren't my kid are you

  • How did the pharmacist know his drink was spiked?

    He fainted after the punch line.

  • What kind of water do you drink when the snow melts?

    Spring water.

  • When your prescription says "DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING THIS" how many beers are you really allowed to have?


  • What do mathematicians drink?

    Anything to ease the pain.

  • Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

    I told her that drinks were on the house

  • What does Batman take with his drinks?

    Just ice

  • What's the difference between a lesbian and a straight girl?

    Four drinks.

  • What do you call a self help book for a Country Music singer?

    Drink, Pray, Truck

  • Why do Irishmen drink all the time?

    You would too if you were a ginger

  • Why do blondes always drink with straws?

    A: Practice.

  • Why should I drink Mr. Pibb?

    He didn't even finish grad school.

  • What did the Alligator say to the turtle?

    Can I bayou a drink?

  • What do you call someone who throws up after drinking too much orange soda?


  • What happens when you drink food colouring?

    You dye a little on the inside.

  • Why did Jesus drink wine at the last supper?

    Because in 3 days, he would be a raisin

  • Why do college frat boys drink before bathing?

    Buds before suds, bro.

  • How often do I drink Blue Moon?

    Once in awhile.

  • Why cant people with no feet drink milk?

    Because they are lack toes intolorent.

  • What do teachers drink at school?


  • What do teenage terrorists drink?

    Smirnoff ISIS

  • Where do terrorists like to go for a drink?

    The Allahu Ak Bar

  • Which beer did the flower drink that made it realize that it was smarter when it was young?


  • What do narcoleptic people drink in bars?


  • Why do Catholics drink?

    because they're filled with the Holy Spirit

  • What kind of tea do koalas drink?


  • When jokes go to parties, where do they wait for drinks?

    In the punchlines.

  • Why do Muslim extremists prefer to drink cappuccino?

    Because they hate french press.

  • Who makes a drinking sound like this *makes drinking sound*?


  • Why is a beer like a woman?

    After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.

  • Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

    She heard that the drinks were on the house.

  • Why don't math majors like to drink alcohol?

    Because they don't like to drink and derive.

  • How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Two. One to hold the bulb and other to drink until the room spins.

  • Where do geographers go for a drink?

    The Isobar

  • Why shouldn't you invite a duck to go out drinking?

    Because it would be a party fowl.

  • Where do terrorists go for a drink?

    The Allahu Ak-Bar.

  • What happens when you don't serve drinks at a party?

    There's no punch line.

  • What is H2O4?


  • Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust?

    He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans. *You love it.*

  • What does Light Yagami drink at the bar?


  • How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

    Invite two of them.

  • What do you call a crocodile when it robs drinks?

    Gator-raid. <3 edit: Learned the difference between a crocodile and alligator.

  • When he finishes drinking, he pulls out his wallet and say to the Bartender, "How much?

    The Bartender says, "For you No charge."

  • What do frogs drink ?

    Hot croako !

  • How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.

  • Why do programmers drink coffee so much?

    So they aren't lying when they say they like Java.

  • How many students does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two. One to hold the light bulb and one to drink until the room spins.

  • Why do Jihadist Muslims drink only instant coffee?

    Because they completely hate the French press. (Reposted)

  • What do you call a mathematician who drinks too much?

    A functioning alcoholic.

  • What kind of wine do bears drink?


  • What do ghosts drink?


  • What's the difference between a tea bag and a used tampon?

    What's the Difference between a tea bag and a used tampon - I dunno... - I'm never drinking tea at your house again then!

  • When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?

    The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

  • What do you call a drink with problems?


  • What kind of milk does Mitt Romney drink?


  • Why do hipsters drink coffee so quickly?

    They want to finish before it's cool.

  • What drink can wrongly convict a black man?

    Tequila Mockingbird

  • How many Irish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two. One to hold it in the socket and the other to drink until the room starts spinning!

  • Why did the man drink two beers with his lunch?

    Because he wanted to drink two beers with his lunch.

  • Where do graphic designers go for a drink?

    CGI Friday's

  • Why is it customary to drink 8 mojitos a day in Cuba?

    It's the Hemming way.

  • Why is almond milk called almond milk?

    Because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice.

  • Why don't they make bouncy houses for adults?

    You'd spill your drink.

  • Where do computer scientists go to have a drink?

    To the foobar.

  • Who's there ! Bart ! Bart who ?

    Bart-enders serve drinks !

  • Why do jihadists drink instant coffee?

    Because they hate the french press...

  • Why do they never serve a beer at math party?

    Because you can't drink and derive

  • What do you call someone who randomly shows up and drinks your alcohol?

    Bill Murray.

  • What does Bruce Lee drink when he's thirsty?


  • Who pays for the drinks?

    The German!

  • What is your best sushi-related joke or pun?

    My dad and I are going out for sushi tonight, and he has rescheduled this dinner with me several times for dumb reasons (one night was because he randomly decided to go out drinking instead). Would love to get my revenge by making sushi puns and jokes all night, but Google is failing me--I've only been able to find jokes that either make no sense, or are just not funny at all. Help!

  • What is a caffeine addict's excuse for drinking coffee in the evening?

    It's 8:00 somewhere!

  • What happens when a vampire drinks too much?

    They get a fangover.

  • Why do Polish people keep empty bottles in their refrigerator?

    For people that don't want anything to drink

  • Why is Grace never thirsty?

    Because she's always drinking from the coup de Grace. (This was my sister's favourite joke when we were kids. Once our mum flipped out on a long car journey because she told it too many times).

  • Who's there ! Aida ! Aida who ?

    Aida more than I drink !

  • What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

    A religion drinks wine and a cult drinks Kool-Aid.

  • Why was Sean Connery accused of piracy while drinking tea?

    He took a ship.

  • What do you need to drink out of a fruit?

    a STRAWberry. ...I'll go...

  • What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

    The fun guy

  • Why does Marx only drink herbal tea?

    Because property is theft.

  • Why won't the ocean let us drink its water?

    Because it's too salty.

  • Why can't the Transistor drink any more coffee?

    Because it keeps Peein' n peein'

  • How do Super Heroes like their drinks served?


  • Howdeepisthepool?

    He had too much to drink before he went swimming!

  • What did the dyslexic chemist do?

    He drank H20, too!

  • What do you call a 16th-century seer who drinks straight out of the can?

    No-straw-damus! (please be gentle on me as you berate me.)

  • What is a Mathematician's favorite thing to drink?

    Root beer. (tbh: found on a Laffy taffy wrapper)

  • Why do Communists drink herbal tea?

    Because proper-tea is theft.

  • What's warm, white, and I drink almost every night?

    Warm milk before bed... Get your mind out of the gutter!

  • What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea?

    He died in his teepee

  • Why was the wife worried that her husband was a light drinker?

    Every night, he'd go out and drink until it was light.

  • Why did the calculus students get arrested?

    For drinking and deriving.

  • What is the only type of alcohol muslims are allowed to drink?


  • Why should you never drink German beer with Chinese food?

    An hour later you're hungry for power.

  • Why shouldn't you drink at a math party?

    Because you shouldn't drink and derive.

  • What does Batman get in his drink?

    Just Ice

  • What did the bartender say to the girl that tried to steal a drink?

    It was worth a shot.

  • Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?

    The nearest ISOBAR!!

  • What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much ?

    A beer-a-cuda !

  • Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea?

    Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

  • How do bros want their drinks?


  • What do ants drink?

    Tea. It's an ant tea joke.

  • How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins

  • Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?

    They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.

  • What do cannibals like to drink in the morning?

    A cup of Joe.

  • What water does Snake drink?

    Big Voss.

  • What's the difference between a bad coffee in Switzerland and a bad coffee in Italy?

    When you drink a bad coffee in Switzerland you say, "Merci!".

  • What is more inappropriate than a 7 year old saying "I drink coffee"?

    Her saying "I drink it black, like my men"

  • What is the definition of a semicolon?

    Something I usually have after a long night of drinking.

  • What type of milk does Bernie Sanders drink?

    Whole milk because he cares about all the milk and not just the top 1% milk!

  • What do poor people drink?


  • Why don't women like drinking beer at the beach?

    Because they'll get sand in their schlitz.

  • Why do hipsters prefer to drink their PBR warm?

    So that they can say they liked it before it was cool.

  • What do valley girls drink?


  • Why does NASA drink sprite?

    Because they couldn't get 7up

  • What do you call it when Russians get diarrhea from drinking water in Mexico?

    Trotsky's Revenge

  • How many irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two, One to hold the light and, one to drink until the room starts spinning!

  • Why don't white supremacist drink the water in Central America?

    Because it's Nicaragua

  • What did the Scotsman say when he went for another drink?

    Hey, where'd my Glascow "

  • What beer do elderly rednecks drink?

    Silver Mullet

  • How do you get an Aussie to climb up on the roof?

    Tell him drinks are on the house.

  • What's that awful thing called... M: ... J: You wake up with it after you drink?

    M: Linda.

  • What do you call a dwarf with a birth defect, is broke and can't drink milk?

    Lack toes and tall or rent

  • Where does a cow stop to drink?

    The milky way!

  • What did the Israelite say to the american when offering him a drink?

    Here, try this, Israeli refreshing!"

  • What's the difference between a camel and a Russian?

    A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking.

  • What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

    He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.

  • What do you mean I can't drink alcohol with this medication?

    You're not a bartender! You're just a pharmacist.

  • What do you call someone who drinks too much water?

    An aquaholic...

  • How much for a drink?

    The bartender replies, "For you No charge."

  • What kind of wine does ISIS drink?

    White Infidel.

  • What do hobbits secretly call Gandalf when he drinks too much ?

    The White Wizzer

  • Why do ISIS fighters only drink instant coffee?

    Because they hate the French Press. (This joke used to be more topical)