Cry Jokes

  • What is 18 inches long, pink, squishy, and makes women cry?


  • What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?

    Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one

  • Why are people so sore about Russia taking the Crimea?

    I mean cry me a river river right

  • Why does the noble gas always cry?

    Because all his friends Argon.

  • Where you see yourself in 5 years?

    Doing your job. "And me " Jobless and upset about the divorce "OMG" *runs out crying*

  • Why was the young boy crying?

    Because he had a frog stapled to his face

  • Why is it a bad idea to date a girl from the leper colony ?

    Whenever they get upset, they cry their eyes out.

  • Why was the young strawberry crying?

    His parents were in a jam.

  • What's the difference between an onion and a woman?

    I cry when I cut open an onion

  • What do you call Will Smith's crying daughter?

    A weeping Willow.

  • What were you before you came to school boys and girls?

    asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"

  • Which country has the most crying people per km?

    The Soviet Onion

  • What did the pea say to the peanut?

    At least you got one nut, I don't see what you're crying about.

  • What do a hurricane and a divorce in Virginia have in common?

    Screaming, crying, and somebody loses a trailer!

  • Why was the cookie crying?

    Because it's mom was a wafer so long.

  • Why is he crying?

    Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison M: What 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

  • Why didn't the Asian man cry when his wife died?

    Because he just couldn't bereave it.

  • What did Russia say to Ukraine after the conflict was over?

    Cry me a peninsula.

  • What's common between a crying baby and a gun?

    You must not bring either to the movies.

  • What did the dolphin say when three orcas swam by?

    Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here? Please, this is a cry for help.

  • What's the difference between a saxophone and an onion?

    You don't cry when you cut up a saxophone. Happy Saxophone Day Why this musical abomination deserves its own day is beyond me. Edit: beside to beyond

  • How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None. They just sit in the dark and cry.

  • How do you make a baby cry?

    Drop it. How do you make a baby stop crying? Drop it again.

  • Why did the German girl count to three, then cry?

    Because her boyfriend was going in .

  • What part of the road is always crying?

    A: The breakdown lane.

  • Why did the cheese cry?

    It was degrating.

  • Why was the Pepsi crying while lifting weights?

    Because he was soda-pressing

  • What's the difference between onions and your mother-in-law?

    You don't cry when chopping your mother-in-law.

  • Why do Nigerian babies cry?

    Midlife crisis

  • Why was the strawberry crying?

    Because it's mom was in a real jam.

  • Why people cry during the weddings?

    they are preparing for whats coming afterwards

  • What's funnier than a crying baby?

    A dead baby.

  • What is the difference between a baby and a onion?

    No one cries when you chop up the baby.

  • What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?

    No one cries when you cut up an accordion

  • Why does the sky cry sometimes?

    Because it's blue :(

  • Whore?

    I don't cry when I chop up a Whore.

  • Why is 9 crying?

    me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet wife: But we're at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

  • What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

    You cry when you cut up an onion.

  • Why did you leave us so early?

    He is asked why are you so crying Do you cry about your close relative -No, I am crying about the first husband of my wife.

  • Why did the man cry when he was cutting up onions?

    Onions" was his dog... D:

  • What is green and sits crying in the corner?

    The incredible Sulk.

  • How do you tell if your Billy Idol fan girlfriend has a Three Stooges fetish?

    In the midnight hour she cried "Moe! Moe! Moe!"

  • Why was the mentally challenged midget crying?

    He was a little down.

  • What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ?

    A cry for Alp !

  • Why don't u share a bed?

    cried Baby Bear.

  • What's the difference between the cries of a grieving family and reggae music?

    I would feel awkward dancing to reggae music.

  • What is small, crying and cannot get under the table?

    A child with pitchfork in his back

  • Why did the water level in the pond rise?

    Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies.

  • What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine?

    A washing machine doesn't cry when it takes a load.

  • What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?

    A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

  • Why did the little black kid start crying when he had diarrhea?

    He thought he was melting.

  • Why is Jesus always sad?

    Because Jesus Christ (Cries)

  • What's red, 6 inches long and makes my gf cry when i feed it to her?

    Her miscarriage.

  • How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

  • What did the mother snake say to her crying baby ?

    Stop crying and viper your nose !

  • Why did the strawberry cry?

    Because his mother was in a jam.

  • What's 12" long, rock hard in the morning, and makes a woman cry?

    A dead baby.

  • Why are you crying?

    me: You just crushed all the Oreo's in my fanny pack

  • What does my Uncle and my account balance have in common?

    I cry whenever I see them.

  • What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

    A: No one cries when you cut up a bagpipe.

  • How many Emos does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. They prefer to cry in the dark.

  • What's the difference between an onion and a dead whore?

    I cried when I cut up the onion. (Jack the Ripper)

  • Why did the girl cry on the swing?

    She has cancer

  • What is the difference between a baby and a feminist?

    The baby grows up and learns to stop crying.

  • What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans?

    Eventually the baby stops crying

  • What's the difference between a Pizza and an onion?

    No one cries when you cut up Pizza.

  • What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

    A tearjerker

  • How could you do this to me?

    she cried. I responded, "Well, I can't. That's why I'm doing it to her."

  • Why are they called jokes?

    Because calling them republican presidential candidates would make me cry.

  • Why are you crying after giving me that ticket?

    Policeman: It was a moving violation.

  • Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

    Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool

  • Whats the difference between a baby and a feminist?

    At some point in its life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.

  • What makes a grown man cry?

    Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.

  • What sits in the corner of the room, crying and getting smaller and smaller?

    A baby combing it's hair with a vegetable peeler.

  • How do you react when looking in the mirror?

    You cry because you shoved a cactus up your peckar.

  • Who's there Boo!! Boo who?

    Don't cry, it's only a joke

  • What is the difference between an Irish drinking song and a Country drinking song?

    You don't cry in your beer when the Irish song is playing.

  • Why did the biscuit cry?

    His mum had been a wafer too long.

  • Why did the mummy cry himself to sleep every night?

    Because he was empty inside.

  • Why are you crying Ted ?

    asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'

  • What bounces and makes little children cry?

    My donation check to Feed the Children!

  • How do you make an orange turn red?

    Get John Boehner to cry.

  • Why did the elk cry at the funeral?

    He had lost a deer friend

  • Why do babies cry so much?


  • What am I gonna do with a river?

    Could you cry me a beer

  • What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?

    One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

  • How do you make Helen Keller cry?

    Turn the stool upside-down

  • What do you call an alien starship that drips water?

    A crying saucer.

  • Where did our son go?

    What son *Dad cries with joy

  • What bounces and makes kids cry?

    The cheque I just sent to Save the Children.

  • Why didn't the girl cry after learning of her boyfriend's leprosy diagnosis?

    She didn't have a shoulder to cry on!

  • Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

    Kids: WE DO! YAY!

  • Why do onions have poor self-image?

    Because people cry when they get onions naked.

  • What did the other nose say to the other nose when it was crying?

    It told it a Nak-Nak joke! (In my language Urdu, Nak means nose.)

  • How are babies different from feminists ?

    Babies grow up and stop crying

  • Why did the apple cry?

    A: Its peelings were hurt.

  • Why was the little boy crying at the diamond store?

    He went to Jared

  • What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

    My donation check to the orphanage.

  • What happens to the water level in the aquarium when one of the fish dies?

    It rises because the rest of the fishes are crying :'(

  • Why do blck men cry when they make love to white women?


  • How did Tarzan get his cry?

    As he was about to swing to the next tree he said, "OK, Cheeta, hang on anywhere".

  • What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?

    Stop crying and viper your nose.

  • Who Deserves Love"?

    ME crying: Hahaha

  • Why was the baby strawberry crying?

    Because his mother was in a jam.

  • What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

    I cry when I chop an onion.

  • Why is it considered socially wrong to make fun of a crying 10-year old boy in Africa?

    Because it's normal to undergo a midlife crisis.

  • Why is the peanut crying?

    Because he couldn't handle his roast

  • Why do babies cry when they're born?

    Because it's the most painful day in their lives

  • How did people know Patrick Stewart was crying?

    Because he bawled.

  • What's a Jamaican snowman's favorite song?

    Snowoman no cry.

  • What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

    Are you having a crisis?

  • Why was the Nigerian toddler crying?

    He was going through mid life crisis.