Cry Jokes
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What is 18 inches long, pink, squishy, and makes women cry?
SIDS
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What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?
Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one
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Why are people so sore about Russia taking the Crimea?
I mean cry me a river river right
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Why does the noble gas always cry?
Because all his friends Argon.
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Where you see yourself in 5 years?
Doing your job. "And me " Jobless and upset about the divorce "OMG" *runs out crying*
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Why was the young boy crying?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face
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Why is it a bad idea to date a girl from the leper colony ?
Whenever they get upset, they cry their eyes out.
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Why was the young strawberry crying?
His parents were in a jam.
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What's the difference between an onion and a woman?
I cry when I cut open an onion
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What do you call Will Smith's crying daughter?
A weeping Willow.
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What were you before you came to school boys and girls?
asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"
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Which country has the most crying people per km?
The Soviet Onion
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What did the pea say to the peanut?
At least you got one nut, I don't see what you're crying about.
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What do a hurricane and a divorce in Virginia have in common?
Screaming, crying, and somebody loses a trailer!
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Why was the cookie crying?
Because it's mom was a wafer so long.
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Why is he crying?
Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison M: What 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
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Why didn't the Asian man cry when his wife died?
Because he just couldn't bereave it.
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What did Russia say to Ukraine after the conflict was over?
Cry me a peninsula.
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What's common between a crying baby and a gun?
You must not bring either to the movies.
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What did the dolphin say when three orcas swam by?
Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here? Please, this is a cry for help.
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What's the difference between a saxophone and an onion?
You don't cry when you cut up a saxophone. Happy Saxophone Day Why this musical abomination deserves its own day is beyond me. Edit: beside to beyond
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How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just sit in the dark and cry.
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How do you make a baby cry?
Drop it. How do you make a baby stop crying? Drop it again.
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Why did the German girl count to three, then cry?
Because her boyfriend was going in .
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What part of the road is always crying?
A: The breakdown lane.
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Why did the cheese cry?
It was degrating.
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Why was the Pepsi crying while lifting weights?
Because he was soda-pressing
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What's the difference between onions and your mother-in-law?
You don't cry when chopping your mother-in-law.
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Why do Nigerian babies cry?
Midlife crisis
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Why was the strawberry crying?
Because it's mom was in a real jam.
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Why people cry during the weddings?
they are preparing for whats coming afterwards
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What's funnier than a crying baby?
A dead baby.
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What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.
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What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up an accordion
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Why does the sky cry sometimes?
Because it's blue :(
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Whore?
I don't cry when I chop up a Whore.
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Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet wife: But we're at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
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What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
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Why did you leave us so early?
He is asked why are you so crying Do you cry about your close relative -No, I am crying about the first husband of my wife.
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Why did the man cry when he was cutting up onions?
Onions" was his dog... D:
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What is green and sits crying in the corner?
The incredible Sulk.
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How do you tell if your Billy Idol fan girlfriend has a Three Stooges fetish?
In the midnight hour she cried "Moe! Moe! Moe!"
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Why was the mentally challenged midget crying?
He was a little down.
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What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ?
A cry for Alp !
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Why don't u share a bed?
cried Baby Bear.
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What's the difference between the cries of a grieving family and reggae music?
I would feel awkward dancing to reggae music.
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What is small, crying and cannot get under the table?
A child with pitchfork in his back
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Why did the water level in the pond rise?
Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies.
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What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't cry when it takes a load.
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What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
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Why did the little black kid start crying when he had diarrhea?
He thought he was melting.
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Why is Jesus always sad?
Because Jesus Christ (Cries)
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What's red, 6 inches long and makes my gf cry when i feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
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How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
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What did the mother snake say to her crying baby ?
Stop crying and viper your nose !
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Why did the strawberry cry?
Because his mother was in a jam.
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What's 12" long, rock hard in the morning, and makes a woman cry?
A dead baby.
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Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo's in my fanny pack
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What does my Uncle and my account balance have in common?
I cry whenever I see them.
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What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you cut up a bagpipe.
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How many Emos does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They prefer to cry in the dark.
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What's the difference between an onion and a dead whore?
I cried when I cut up the onion. (Jack the Ripper)
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Why did the girl cry on the swing?
She has cancer
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What is the difference between a baby and a feminist?
The baby grows up and learns to stop crying.
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What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans?
Eventually the baby stops crying
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What's the difference between a Pizza and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up Pizza.
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What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker
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How could you do this to me?
she cried. I responded, "Well, I can't. That's why I'm doing it to her."
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Why are they called jokes?
Because calling them republican presidential candidates would make me cry.
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Why are you crying after giving me that ticket?
Policeman: It was a moving violation.
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Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?
Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool
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Whats the difference between a baby and a feminist?
At some point in its life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.
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What makes a grown man cry?
Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.
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What sits in the corner of the room, crying and getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a vegetable peeler.
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How do you react when looking in the mirror?
You cry because you shoved a cactus up your peckar.
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Who's there Boo!! Boo who?
Don't cry, it's only a joke
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What is the difference between an Irish drinking song and a Country drinking song?
You don't cry in your beer when the Irish song is playing.
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Why did the biscuit cry?
His mum had been a wafer too long.
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Why did the mummy cry himself to sleep every night?
Because he was empty inside.
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Why are you crying Ted ?
asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'
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What bounces and makes little children cry?
My donation check to Feed the Children!
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How do you make an orange turn red?
Get John Boehner to cry.
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Why did the elk cry at the funeral?
He had lost a deer friend
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Why do babies cry so much?
YOU'RE MOM.
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What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer
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What is the difference between a Mother and Wife?
One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
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How do you make Helen Keller cry?
Turn the stool upside-down
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What do you call an alien starship that drips water?
A crying saucer.
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Where did our son go?
What son *Dad cries with joy
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What bounces and makes kids cry?
The cheque I just sent to Save the Children.
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Why didn't the girl cry after learning of her boyfriend's leprosy diagnosis?
She didn't have a shoulder to cry on!
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Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?
Kids: WE DO! YAY!
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Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
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What did the other nose say to the other nose when it was crying?
It told it a Nak-Nak joke! (In my language Urdu, Nak means nose.)
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How are babies different from feminists ?
Babies grow up and stop crying
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Why did the apple cry?
A: Its peelings were hurt.
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Why was the little boy crying at the diamond store?
He went to Jared
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What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?
My donation check to the orphanage.
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What happens to the water level in the aquarium when one of the fish dies?
It rises because the rest of the fishes are crying :'(
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Why do blck men cry when they make love to white women?
Mace...
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How did Tarzan get his cry?
As he was about to swing to the next tree he said, "OK, Cheeta, hang on anywhere".
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What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?
Stop crying and viper your nose.
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Who Deserves Love"?
ME crying: Hahaha
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Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mother was in a jam.
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What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop an onion.
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Why is it considered socially wrong to make fun of a crying 10-year old boy in Africa?
Because it's normal to undergo a midlife crisis.
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Why is the peanut crying?
Because he couldn't handle his roast
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Why do babies cry when they're born?
Because it's the most painful day in their lives
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How did people know Patrick Stewart was crying?
Because he bawled.
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What's a Jamaican snowman's favorite song?
Snowoman no cry.
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What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
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Why was the Nigerian toddler crying?
He was going through mid life crisis.