Like Jokes
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What did the farmer say to Pat Sajak?
I'd like to buy an owl
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What does the zero say to the eight?
I like your belt. Ok, ok. I know it's elementary, but I still love it.
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Why doesn't god like bacon?
Because he isn't real.
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What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!
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Why do they ask you if you would like paper or plastic at the grocery store?
Because baggers can't be choosers,
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What do cows like to listen to?
Moo-sic!
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Why didn't the skeleton like to dance?
Because he had no body to dance with!
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Why do hipsters prefer to drink their PBR warm?
So that they can say they liked it before it was cool.
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What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
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Who here likes Olympic Frisbees?
Discus.
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What does a PASCAL programmer say to a C programmer?
A: "Would you like fries with that "
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Why do hipsters only use the microwave?
Because they don't like conventional ovens.
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How can you tell if a Finnish guy likes you?
He's staring at your shoes instead of his own.
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Why do women like roses?
Because they are pretty and hurt you.
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What's next - people marrying dogs?
nervous glance at dog Dog: Frank, we've been over this. I like you as a friend
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Which punchline do you like better?
What do you call a nun that sleep-walks a) A Roamin' Catholic b) An unconscious habit
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How does a witch doctor ask a girl to dance ?
Voodoo like to dance with me '
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Why do vampire's use linux?
Because they don't like windows in their house. BaDumTss
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Why did the rabbi walk into the bar?
Because he likes oldfashioned jokes.
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What do Badgers and Gynecologists have in common?
they both like to root around in your cellar
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Why don't bears wear boots?
Cos they like to walk around in their bear feet.
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What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands?
A pocket watch.
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Why doesn't Pac-Man use Twitter?
Because he doesn't like being followed.
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Why was the hipster wearing a scarf during the summer?
He liked wearing scarves before it got cool.
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Why does Daniel love white vans?
Because he likes candy... *I'll walk myself out*
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How long does it take a necrophiliac to screw in a light bulb?
Not long... they like to do it while it's still warm.
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What do you call a prehistoric humanoid who likes to take his time?
A meander-thal!
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What do people who don't like the slippery slope argument call it?
The slippery slope fallacy
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Why are there so many trees along the Champs-lyses?
Because ze Germans like to march in ze shade.
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Why didn't the man go under the boardwalk?
He doesn't like giving in to pier pressure.
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How many Reddit admins does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they like to keep the mods in the dark.
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What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who likes to smoke weed ?
A baked potato
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What sound does a pool make when someone you don't like jumps in?
DOOOOUUUUCCCCHHHEEEEEE!
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Why does Jared love 6-inch subs?
He doesn't, he likes 14-year old girls
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When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked "Would you like a bag?
I replied "No, she's not that ugly"
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What did the brown dwarf say to the bartender?
I'd like a Corona, please.
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Why do I like sweet potatoes?
Cuz they're yammy!!!
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How fast can Klingon's run?
About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.
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Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
It lifts their spirits.
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Why do Democrats like to play Pokemon?
They've always enjoyed rounding up Japanese monsters.
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How do you sell chocolate to a deaf/foreign person?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME CHOCOLATE?!
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When people say "May I ask who's calling?
I like to say "Sure, go ahead."
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Why don't people like to play uno with Mexicans?
Because they always steal the green cards....
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Why does Paris have tree lined streets?
Because the German army likes to march in the shade.
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What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like W:Excuse me M:No one ever asks you, do they W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.
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What do Anna Nicole Smith and Tom Brady have in common?
They both like saggy balls.
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Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
A: It's meow-sic to their ears!
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Why didn't the construction worker like to get wet?
Because he didn't drywall.
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How does a watch maker tell you he likes you?
With a romantic tock.
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What do cannibals put in their soup?
Ramen! Before you judge harshly, I would like to state that this was invented by a six year old, all on his own, no coaching.
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What does a drug addict like to do in their free time?
Netflix and pills :D
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What do you call a duck that likes to steal?
A Robber Ducky!
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Why are Eskimos always alone?
Because they like being ice-olated
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What do Arabs and the Japanese have in common ?
They both like bombs
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Why does nobody like to sit next to Elsa?
Coz...she "let's it go!"
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What do neckbeards like to spread on their toast?
Marma'lady
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How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: Taureans don't like to change anything.
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Why did God put the ring on Saturn?
Because he liked it.
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What do you call someone who doesn't like food fights?
A pasta-fist.
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Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?
Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.
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Why did Shakespeare refuse to join the army?
He didn't like the phrase fire at will!
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How do I like my eggs?
Umm in a cake.
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What Do People Have In Common With Jellybeans?
Nobody likes the black ones.
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What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters?
Hot dog!'
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What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
Would you like fries with that?"
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What can you do if you don't like the Prelude in C Sharp Minor?
A: Turn Rachmanin off.
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What do you call an American who does not like apple pie?
A Communist
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Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops?
Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.
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What do Kermit the Frog and David Cameron Have in Common?
They both like to pork.
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Why doesn't Batman like going to Robin's house?
They don't like rich people in Robin's hood
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What did one dog say to the other dog?
I like "Hot Dogs".
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Why do some people like to date pessimists?
All that salt must make them thirsty.
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How does Jesus like his hotwings?
Tinder and Mild.
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How many sith lords does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They like it on the dark side.
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How do we know God likes condoms?
Because Adam was ribbed for Eve's pleasure
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Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause she was too big for B- shells! (my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)
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Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.
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When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?
I like to be prepared.
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Why are Paris's streets lined with trees?
German soldiers like to march in the shade.
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Which of the Three R's does this subreddit like to do the most?
Reuse.
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What is Facebook?
Its a Place where Boy posts a JOKE and Gets no Response & If a Girl Posts the same JOKE , She gets Hundreds of likes , comments and Friend Requests and Lots of PM's .
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What is a Mature man who likes young women?
An Inmate
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What do you call a horse who likes to carry all the groceries?
A one trip pony :D
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What do you call someone who likes to rap about salt?
NaCl-more.
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Why did the parasite listen to the clock?
A: Because it liked the tick talk.
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What's with those clogs you keep wearing?
I replied, "Wooden shoe like to know."
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What kind of exercise does Ned Flanders like to do?
Diddily-squats.
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What does the Philosophy major say a year after he graduates?
Would you like fries with that "
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Why do the Marines call it Parris island?
Because they like to play with each other's oui oui.
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What's it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there's a race of people called customers. Now imagine you're a huge racist.
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What beverage does Bruce Lee like to drink?
WAA-TAA!
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Why do Asians like to have military time on?
So they can do math
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What's the opposite of quantum physics?
Logic. (If you don't like physics jokes, just keep movin') ...(if you don't like math jokes, trust me, sometimes it makes a difference).
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Whenever I get to a restaurant and they say there is a wait I say "do you know who I am?
because while I wait I like to be introspective
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Who is there?
A person that likes to tell anti jokes.
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What's it like to tweet "My cat sneezed" and get 500 RT in the first minute ?
My cat would be dead before I got 50
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What do you call a Jamaican who likes spaghetti?
A Pastafarian.
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Why will you never see a stag on the internet?
They like to stay anony-moose
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What do gender studies graduates commonly say?
Would you like fries with that "
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What would you like it to be ?
A joke .
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What do you call an ant who likes to be alone ?
An independant !
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Why do kids hate Steven Hawking?
They don't like their vegetables.
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Why do tomcats fight ?
Because they like raising a stink !
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What do you call an angry white elephant that likes crushing donkeys and darker elephants?
Donald Trunk.
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What vegetable likes to party?
A turn-up
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How do you know a girl with leprosy likes you?
She gives you the eye.
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Why doesn't God like fruitcake?
Because he doesn't exist.
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Why did the Smackhead kick the habit?
He didn't like nuns.
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Why aren't fish good tennis players?
They don't like getting close to the net!
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Why didn't Harry Potter want to date Hermione?
Because he likes to Hit it and Quidditch
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How did Camelot get its name?
Guinevere liked to hump a lot.
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Why didn't the monk sell his temple?
Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (:
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Why do people wear sleeveless shirts?
They like to express the right to bear arms.
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Why didn't the Aztec get their hair cut?
They didn't like the barbershop Cortez.
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Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?
Yes." (Yamaha)
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Why don't pediatricians like to wait?
Because they have little patients.
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How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure yells up to me son, you live with this guy now!
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Why is Ponyboy lactose intolerant?
He hates Dairy but likes Sodapop.
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What do you call a guy who likes Adobe and little boys?
a PDFile
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Why don't asians like to applause?
Because every time they do all they do is crap
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Why do cowboys like dachshunds so much?
They like to get a long little doggie.
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How do I like eggs?
Ummm...in a cake!
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What is Jesus's go-to pickup line?
Would you like me to show you what it feels like to get nailed?
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How do you know the universe likes Saturn?
It put a ring on it.
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Why do bears hate shoes so much?
They like to run around in their bear feet.
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Why did the sweet scented man called Paul change his name to Saul?
He liked the P, but preferred the essence the change.
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What do you call a computer programmer that likes to kidnap children?
A PDFile.
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What do you call a deaf dinosaur?
Anything you like - he can't hear you.
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What's a funny non-racist joke a Polish person would laugh at?
Just trying to make a Polish girl I like laugh
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When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for two?
I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see her too ".
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What are the first words Jared Fogle's girlfriend said to him?
Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies, sir?"
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What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?
They both like to crack open a cold one
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What do you call a rapper who likes honey for breakfast?
Sugar Puff Daddy
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Which faction in Divergent has the largest number of lamborghinis?
Erudite because they like knowledge a lot more than materialistic things
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Why did Jesus run off the airplane?
He didn't like the Pilate
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Why did Shrodinger's girlfriend dump him?
Because she didn't like his lack of commitment
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What do you call a fish that likes to cook?
Bobby Fillet
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Why are there so many piggy banks?
Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.
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What kind of pizza does Buddha like?
One with everything.
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Why was my other pillow jealous?
Because I like to sleep around.
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Why is Dracula's favorite subject in school Math?
Because he likes to Count.
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What do dolphins like to listen to?
Podcasts.
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Who in the organisation likes cats the most?
The purchaser.
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What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An Alley-Gator
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What do you call someone who doesn't like The Simpsons?
A Homerphobe! LOL! Just made that up!
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What's it made of?
An engineering major says "How is it made " An arts major says... "Would you like fries with that "
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Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.
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Why doesn't God like pizza?
Because he doesn't exist.
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Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey?
He didn't like getting nailed to the boards.
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What taste good?
Tender: I usually like rum in Diet Coke. Man: how do you get a Roman in a Diet Coke Tender: *facepalm*
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Why do lesbians like radishes?
Because they like to get their daikon.
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How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top 10 below Where would you like to go Get in. Get in the Spider Van.
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Why do they like to watch Star Wars on the big screen on aircraft carriers?
They're all about force projection.
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What's it like to go down on an ewok?
It's alright, they're just a little chewy.
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Where do bacteria like to vacation?
Germany
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Why doesn't Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted
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Why won't pigs take up jogging?
They don't like to get that far from the table.
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How do you know your friends are pleased with your Facebook post?
They like it!
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Why doesn't anybody like feminist picnics?
Because they never have any sandwiches.
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What is long and likes to pry in a hole?
A key.
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Why don't Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween?
Because they don't like random people knocking on their doors
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What does a duck like to have for breakfast?
Quacker Oats
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Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball
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Why was the welder such a gossip?
Because he liked to meddle.
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What happened when Justin Bieber went to Michael Jackson's house?
Nothing, Michael liked boys.
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What's a hipsters favorite season?
Summer, they like it before it's cool
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Why doesn't Ganondorf like going on the internet?
There are too many Links.
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What does a fisherman say when he catches a fish?
His catch-phrase. Short n' Sweet, hope you like it!
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What does James Bond say after a heavy workout?
I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.
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Whose mother likes rap music?
Yo Momma! My eight-year-old daughter wants to see how many upvotes she can get. Ten-year old brother is interested in downvotes.
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Who likes music?
asks a commander. - Two soldiers step forward. - All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.
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What do you call a buyer that likes to curse?
A cusstomer
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What's the real reason Mr. Clean is always smiling?
He likes it dirty.
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What do you tell someone who doesn't like Depeche Mode?
Enjoy the silence.
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Why did Frosty drop his pants?
Because he's a pervert that likes showing people his snowballs.
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What game do French schoolchildren like to play?
Simon 16
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What does one chauvinist say to the other?
There's a thousand things I'd like to do in my life, and those are just the pretty ones!
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What's the difference between people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the flinstones but people from Abu Dhabi Do
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Why did the peadophile sign up for Netflix?
He liked chillin.
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Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire?
A Snowman.
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Why don't drug addicts hang out at the beach?
They don't like getting sand in their crack.
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Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?
You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)
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Where do cows like to live?
St. Moo-is.
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What do you call a man who used to like tractors?
An extractor fan!
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What do you say to an art student with a job?
Uhh, I would like the Quarter Pounder with Cheese"
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When people say 'oh, you're still single?
I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married ' I'm popular.
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Why don't the Greeks, Slavs, and Armenians celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because they don't like Turkey
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What did the art major say to the law major?
Would you like fries with that "
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Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy?
The mafia doesn't like witnesses.
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Why did the pervert like to watch girls in their entrance hallways?
He was a foyer.
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Why was Easter the aardvark's favorite holiday?
Because he liked aard-boiled eggs!
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What do you call a person who likes white rice, and not brown rice?
A ricest.
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What do you say to an ugly person?
Anything you like, what are they going to do about it?
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What did the guy who didn't like vegetables say?
I don't really carrot all for vegetables."
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What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim ?
An octopuss !
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What's it like to have a social life?
Asking for a friend.
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What do the Welsh like to do in their private time?
Oh, sorry guys. It would've been a baaaaaa-d joke.
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What do a baby and an Etch A Sketch have in common?
If you don't like it, you just shake it and start over.
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Why don't churches, synagogues, mosques and temples have Wi-Fi?
Because religions don't like competing with an invisible power that actually works.
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What does Facebook and a conversation between two teenagers have in common?
A lot of likes
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What do chemists say when they smell something that they don't like?
Pu
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What do you have left after you burn a French alphabet?
H Edit: I don't like explaining jokes but since the first guy didn't get I might as well: When pronounced in a French accent it sounds like ash.
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What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot?
let me be your *soil*mate
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What's your favourite animal?
Me too, I like the saltyness
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What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
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What kind of bear likes the rain?
A drizzley bear.
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Why does Yoda like having a lot of things to do?
It makes his Dagobah faster.
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How would you like that cooked?
gets right up in waitresses face* With frickin fire, obviously
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What do you call a noodle that likes Reggae?
A Pastafarian.
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What do you call a snake that likes history?
A HISSStorian.
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What secret organization does Pinnochio work for?
Wooden you like to know
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Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees?
A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.
-
Where do programmers like to hangout?
The Foo Bar.
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When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?
I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"
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Why didn't the tree like to play checkers?
Because it was a chesnut tree.
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Why does the Pope shower with his briefs on?
He doesn't like to look down on the unemployed.
-
What do pirates like to wear during the winter?
Scarves
-
What is Rio's least liked, most common Pokemon?
Zikachu.
-
What does Imperator Furiosa like to click when she logs into a website?
REMEMBER ME!!!!!!!!!!
-
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair?
Whatever you like, what's he going to do about it anyway?
-
How is the world like a bag of jellybeans?
Nobody likes the black ones.
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Why does Mrs. Piggy douche with honey?
A. Because Kermit the frog likes sweet and sour pork.
-
What kind of music does your mailman like?
Postrock/Postpunk
-
Why are there so many avenues in Belgium?
Because German soldiers like to march in the shadow.
-
What do you call a dead chicken that likes to throw things?
A geist. Thanks! I will show myself out.
-
Why don't girls like playing dodgeball?
Because we don't like getting hit by balls. 12: *giggles for 5 minutes* You are so my child
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What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
A: "Would you like fries with that "
-
How many racists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Racists dont like to be enlightened.
-
What did the Buddhist say when asked if he'd like to move from Tibet to North Korea?
Nah. I'ma stay.
-
What do you call a Mexican who likes little kids?
A pedrophile.
-
What do you call a girl who only likes guys with big muscles?
A Biceptual
-
What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards. Her: What Me: Your eyes
-
What do rappers like on their burritos?
Waka Flakamole I'll show myself out
-
How does Han Solo like to get around Endor?
Ewoks
-
What do you call a guy who likes to lose?
Ewan
-
When you go for a bus ride do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs?
I prefer to ride on top but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.
-
Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate?
He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.
-
Why does the Dalai Lama go to the bookies everyday?
Because he likes Tibet.
-
What do cows like to put on their hot dogs?
moostard
-
Why is the Kentucky Derby run in a circle?
They like horsin' around.
-
What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?
They both like to crack open a cold one
-
How do you use a philosophy degree in a professional context?
Why* would you like fries with that
-
What would you like for your last meal?
Woman: "I don't know, what do you want "
-
How does Dr. Dre like to be told a story?
Chronic-logically.
-
How do you see lesbian relationships?
I said in HD. They didn't like it...
-
What kind of beer was Dr. Stephen Strange serving?
It was his own Strange Brew. You would be Moranic not to like it.
-
What did the slug say to the snail?
Would you like a copy of the big issue
-
Why didn't JFK ever like vodka?
Because he couldn't handle a few shots
-
What do you call an earl grey that likes role play?
Not-tea
-
How do girls know when they are adults?
When they start to like spankings
-
Why there are so many avenues in France?
Because german soldiers like to march in the shade
-
What's the difference between a white girl who likes to tan and a burger?
They both need to be flipped every 10 mins, but only one turns pink when its done.
-
Why your fingers have spaces in between?
nothing!why? would you like it to be very close to each other. You're not a duck!
-
What do people and jellybean have in common?
No one likes the black ones
-
What do you call Stephen Hawking rolling away from an explosion?
Hot wheels (First joke, hope you like it.)
-
Why don't math majors like to drink alcohol?
Because they don't like to drink and derive.
-
How many Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven - one to actually change the bulb and six to complain that they liked the old one better.
-
What did the scientist say at the bar?
I'd like some H20 please.
-
Why didn't King Kong go to Hong Kong?
He didn't like Chinese food.
-
Where we going?
Will there be food Why do I have to die Why didn't you like my last pic ..
-
What did the number zero say to the number 8?
I like your belt
-
Why do you like little kids...?
They have to use TWO hands.
-
Where do dock workers like to shop?
Crate and Barrel.
-
Who doesn't like a hot date?
A necrophiliac.
-
What do my toaster and I have in common?
We both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time.
-
Why don't gelding horses like to race?
Because every time they go to the starting gate they're reminded "They're Off!".
-
What is Son Goku's least liked food?
Vegetta balls
-
Why does Bear Grylls love Bud Light?
It's sterile and he likes the taste.
-
Why did the short vampire like to gamble?
Because the stakes were high!
-
Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law leaving I don't have to take this
-
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
-
What kind of music do you like?
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"
-
How are the Mafia and the Amish similar?
They both don't like wires
-
Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?
Because they like to pumpkin. I'll see myself out...
-
Why does Tom Hiddleston only invite his closest friends/family to his birthday?
He likes to keep things low key.
-
What kind of olives do I like?
Olive them
-
Why did Ally refuse to do her homework, when all she had left was to square the x and y axis?
Cause Allies don't like axis powers
-
Why are terrorists so mean?
Because they don't like Nice people.
-
Why did the lights go out?
Because they liked each other.
-
What's everyone's problem with euthanasia?
I like little asian kids
-
What's the difference between toilet paper and shower curtains?
If you answered "I don't know." I would like to tell you that I spent all day cleaning that mess up.
-
What is the difference between a philanthropist and Nicki Minaj?
A philanthropist likes to impress people with his larg**esse**! :-P
-
Who sang the song "my own worst enemy"?
Them: I think it's Lit Me: I mean I like the song but I wouldn't call it lit...
-
What has long ears hops and likes websurfing?
The e-aster bunny.
-
What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
-
Why do programmers like to concatenate time stamps?
It's the only way they can get a string of dates.
-
What did the phone say to the other phone after a bad rejection?
If you like it then you shudda put a ringtone on it.
-
Which NBA team likes McDonald's the most?
Denver Nuggets
-
How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
-
How does Jared like to play his flute?
In A minor.
-
What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know but you'd better hope he likes it!
-
What kind of house does cheese like to live in?
A cottage"
-
What's the difference between batman and Blackman?
Batman can go to the store without robin Edit: glad you'll liked it :-)
-
What did the fisherman do when he really liked a woman?
He invited her over to net fish and krill.
-
What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?
They both like to crack open a cold one
-
What do you call a guy who likes touching unripened cheese?
A fetaphile
-
Where do cows like to ride on trains?
In the cow-boose.
-
What would you guys like to ask an American?
Nevermind they'll just tell you anyway
-
What is Bill and Ted's favorite book of the bible?
Duderonomy! They also like Leviticus.
-
How would you like your school girls today, Mr. Holmes?
Elementary, my dear Watson.
-
What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
-
What do you call a guy who likes telling "dad jokes"?
A "groan" man...
-
What do you call a submissive who likes to bark like a dog?
A subwoofer.
-
Where does Christopher Walken like to smoke cigars?
A Walken humidor.
-
Why didn't crab and lobster like to share?
They were both two shellfish
-
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. We are efficient and don't like humour.
-
Why are there so many Asians?
Its the food. There is too much raw dog. Heard it on Adam Carolla's Podcast. A caller phoned in and told it to Adam. Thought you guys would like it.
-
What do Worf and Jadzia like to do to relax?
Netflix and Trill!
-
What's a hippie's favorite animal?
An elk It has the E, the L, and the K. Would like to hear some more if you guys have any.
-
What does a pimp and a redneck have on common?
They both like to throw a ho-down.
-
Why do Apes love to go to school in bad neighbourhoods?
They like any jungle - even a blackboard jungle!
-
Why do priests wear underwear in the shower?
They don't like to look down on the unemployed
-
Who doesn't like Turkey?
Russia.
-
Who's there ! Crispin ! Crispin who ?
Crispin crunchy is how I like my apples !
-
Why do spies never use capitalization?
They like to stay low-key.
-
Why do americans like to visit Rome so much?
Because it reminds them of home.
-
Why do hippies like to swim way offshore?
Cause it's far out, man
-
What do particle physicists like to drink?
Pina colliders.
-
How do I like using Tinder?
It's all right!
-
How do you call a dog that likes to be on the Internet?
A Labragoogle.
-
Why don't paperclips move around a lot?
They like being stationery.
-
What did the horny dog say to the girl dog?
Do you like it ruff
-
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!
-
What did the guy who liked mustard say when he opened his fridge and saw no mustard?
You mustard be joking!
-
What do you call a smart knife?
Cleaver! EDIT: Also Sharp, knew about this one but I like Cleaver better.
-
How do you like your eggs?
Fried, scrambled, or fertilized?
-
Why doesn't Jesus like M&?
Ms? They keep falling through. If that's not offensive enough, replace it with black Jesus and skittles.
-
Why do Russians like pho so much?
BECAUSE THEIR SO VIET :3
-
Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator?
He liked cold cash.
-
Why men like to fishing so much?
They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
-
How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine as is the coming home bit too but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
-
What game do lesbians like to play?
Clash of Clams
-
When all of a sudden Tinker Bell shows up. He goes to a worker and says, "Wow, you guys have fairies in here?
The worker then says, "No, our CEO doesn't like it."
-
Why were a bunch of realist artists offended at a Matisse gallery opening?
They didn't like the public displays of abstraction.
-
Why did James Bond higher a man with Parkinson's to be his butler?
He likes his drinks shaken, not stirred.
-
How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions - laughs - oh honey - nobody would name their kid Trenton
-
What type of sushi does Bob Seger like?
That Old Thai Moroccan Roll.
-
What do you call someone with March Madness who doesn't even like basketball?
A hypochondriac
-
Who would you like for president in 2020?
Anyone who doesn't have poor visions.
-
What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?
Goldfish like to muck around the fountain.
-
What's love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!
-
Why did the geologist's wife leave him?
He was getting physical (first joke hope you like it)
-
What part of the computer the astronaut likes the most?
A space bar.
-
Why do you call someone who doesn't like the ideas in Islam?
A Racist!
-
Why doesn't Kirk like to have one-night stands?
Because the girls always cling on him afterwards.
-
Why do happy people like to sleep in late?
Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.
-
Why should I shave my downstairs?
Guy: Because I don't like hair in my food.
-
What game do little cows like to play?
Moonopoly.
-
Why type of nut do Wallflowers like?
Walnuts
-
Where in New York City do lesbians most like to live?
Manhatin'
-
Why do feminists support gun control?
They don't like triggers
-
Why wouldn't Kurt Cobain let you charge your phone at his house?
the guy likes his power chords too much.
-
Why should you date a Greek woman?
They don't like pulling out.
-
What is the name of a bag pipe band that likes to play while jumping on squares?
hopscotts.
-
What's up with these strippers not taking my singles?
They must not like Kraft
-
What do you call an aligator that likes to wear vests when no one else is around?
A private investigator.
-
Which president likes doing laundry?
George WASHING-A-TON. He's the 8 year old white Kevin Hart.
-
What kind of pizza does Lil Wayne like?
Little seizures.
-
How do you know that someone likes to smoke weed?
Don't worry they'll tell you.
-
Why does the NBA finish in June?
She likes it.
-
Why don't the French enjoy travelling to Northern Ireland?
Because they don't like the smell of Derry air.
-
What did the Canadian eel say when the bartender asked him if he'd had enough?
No, I think I'd like some more-ay.
-
How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?
The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".
-
Why don't people like talking about herpes?
It's a sore subject.
-
What's the difference between a hippie and a geologist?
Not much. One likes getting stones, the other likes getting stoned.
-
What does a belt like to do?
Getting Waisted
-
What do a thug and hillbilly have in common?
They both like to throw a hoedown.
-
Why type of lightning likes to play sports?
Ball lightning
-
What do you call a deer that likes rain?
A rain-deer. I know it's terrible.
-
What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please. W: How would you like that cooked M: By anyone other than my wife
-
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.
-
What does a sheep call a film it doesn't like?
a baaahhhd movie. ( )
-
Why do buzzards prefer to fly?
Because they really like their carry-on..... yeah total dad joke, i know.
-
How do you know if someone doesn't like Football and isn't going to watch the Super Bowl?
They'll tell you
-
Why didn't Ronald McDonald like to go fishing?
Because every time he did, he'd catch a whopper.
-
What game do 18 dogs like to play during the summer?
Woofleball
-
What do nails like to do on the weekend?
Get hammered.
-
What do you call a goat that likes cheese with their pasta?
Maaaac
-
What did Patrick Stewart say when he was given a tortoise for his birthday?
Please, take it back. I don't like getting attached to animals. Especially when they only live 100 years.
-
Why does Ms. Piggy use honey and vinegar douche?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
-
What do you call a mushroom that likes to party?
A Fungi!
-
What do you call someone who likes to dress up like Jesus?
A cross-dresser.
-
Why was the hipster drinking milk?
He liked Ice Cream before it was cool
-
Why should you always finish telling your jokes to David Carradine?
He doesn't like to be left hanging.
-
What do you call a dog that likes Mexican food?
A Qdoberman!!!!!!!!!!
-
Why did Henry VIII have so many wives ?
He liked to chop and change !
-
What does Spiderman like to get high on?
Mary Jane
-
What do cows like to line dance to ?
Any kind of moosic you like !
-
I can't tell if i like this blender...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
-
Why do so many white people do meth?
Nobody likes a cracker without salt. *I'm white*
-
What did the mathematician say to the lumberjack drummer?
I really like your logger rhythm!
-
How do you insult a Catholic?
Any way you like, they have to forgive you!
-
What do you like to drink?
Programmer: I'm only here for the foo.....................d
-
Why do slovaks don't like Czechs?
They prefer cash.
-
Why don't I like trees?
They look kinda shady to me
-
Which elf likes to click pictures?
sELFie
-
What do you call mail that likes to have fun?
Outgoing mail.
-
Why was Nikola Tesla a fan of Marvel?
Because he didn't like DC...
-
What's your chicken sandwich called?
A McChicken And the rib -A McRib pulls out his batwallet I like your style.
-
Why don't the Chinese have casinos?
Because they don't like Tibet
-
What do you call a bear that likes men when it's happy and women when it's sad?
A Bipolar Bear
-
What do you call someone who really likes balloons?
Autistic.
-
What does Fabrizio like to put on his sandwiches?
Mustardo!
-
What do you call someone that likes to show off her ovaries?
An eggshibitionist
-
When a hot blonde walks in. The one lawyer says, "Man, wouldn't you like to screw that?
and the other lawyer replies, "Outta what "
-
Where can I donate to the American Red Cross?
I would like to help with house #7.
-
Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Wittness?
They don't like any witnesses.
-
What tick likes to run?
Politicks
-
A grocery store cashier asked if I would like my milk in a bag.
I told her 'No, thanks. The carton works fine.'
-
What kind of tree likes a high five?
A palm tree
-
Why does the Pope keep his underwear on while bathing?
Because he doesn't like looking down on the unemployed. First to ever post this joke here, yay!
-
How do you like it?
Me: Salty...of course *slaps down $20 CG: We'll take two pretzels with salt Get outta the gutter pervs
-
Who reads the news AND makes coffee?
Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)
-
Why do Greeks like fried foods?
Because they're greasy
-
What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?
A: A hobby horse.
-
What do you call a spy that likes to spend time with his son?
James Bonding bah dun tss
-
What did the hipster say the day after thanksgiving?
I liked the leftovers before they were cool.
-
What side dish do frogs like to enjoy with their hamburgers?
French Flies!
-
What's a hillbillies favorite holiday? Halloween.... Do you want to know why?
Because they like to pump kin.
-
Why shouldn't white people go swimming?
Nobody likes a soggy cracker!
-
Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun?
It burns too easily
-
Why don't women like to wear dresses in the winter?
Chapped lips
-
Which kid is mine?
I like to reply "I haven't decided yet."
-
What would you like to Instagram?
how waiters should greet people
-
What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?
Well, I don't know" she answers shyly. "OK, that I give you another year to think about it..."
-
Which Sri Lankan do Star Wars fans like?
May Theforcebewithyou.
-
What did the cannibal do to the people he didn't like?
He drowned them in the morning.
-
What do you ask a Mexican girl you like?
Netflix and chili
-
What is the most faithful insect ?
A flea once they find someone they like they stick to them !
-
What do you call an integral that doesn't like derivatives?
An anti-derivative.
-
Why doesn't Yogi wear shoes?
He likes to go... bearfoot! I'll see myself out...
-
Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?
He didn't like being spoken to in that voice
-
When I was your age I ate every one. Mary: Do you still like crusts Grandma?
Grandma: Yes I do. Mary: Well you can have mine.
-
What equine likes to cut in line?
A sawhorse!
-
What do you call an arranged marriage between two communists who don't like each other?
A so-be-it union.
-
What do straight guys and lesbians have in common?
They both like girls
-
What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
-
Whats white and likes to shoot?
Kevin Nash
-
What book do you like the most?
Woman: "My husband's checkbook."
-
What do you call a guy who likes to hang out with musicians?
A drummer.
-
Why don't you invite a Comcast worker to your party?
Because nobody likes his company!
-
What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?
gt- () An investigator
-
Why did the dog chase the bulldozer?
It doesn't like Cats.
-
What does Rolf Harris like to play with on the piano?
A minor.
-
What did the author of The Lord Of The Rings say after he completed his books?
If you like dialogue, theres a whole lot of Tolkein.
-
What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes?
Social netwerking
-
Where in Eastern Europe does Justin Timberlake like to kayaking?
Crimea River
-
What's the difference between Stephen Harper and Rob Ford?
One likes pipelines, and the other likes pipes lines.
-
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who likes to go swimming?
Bob.
-
Why are fish no good at tennis?
They don't like to get too close to the net!
-
Why don't blind people like to skydive?
Because it scares the dog.
-
Why was Justin Biber in Frozen?
Cuz aparently he likes "snow".
-
Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space?
Because nobody liked it on earth.
-
How do you like your new teacher ?
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one !
-
Who's your friend who likes to play?
JOHN CENA** *DUn DUnDUnDUn DUn DUnDUnDUn.*
-
What does a Spanish speaking ghost say when they like you?
Mi Ghosta!!
-
Why did the T-Rex's girlfriend leave him?
Because he said he only loved her this much (hold out t-rex like arms) Sorry this one requires a bit of a visual, but I thought you guys might like it
-
Why was the road upset when the chicken went over him twice?
It didn't like being double crossed.
-
What do you call it when the girl you like likes you back?
Imagination
-
Why did the Native American quit his desk job at the Marriot?
He didn't like dealing with reservations.
-
How do you like your job testing push-up bras?
The other woman replies, "It has its perks."
-
How does Dracula like to have his food served?
In bite-sized pieces.
-
Why do liberal courts don't work?
Because they don't like to judge anyone.
-
What kind of dish does LeBron like?
anything with curry in it.
-
Why was the wildlife reserve worker weeping next to poached rhino?
He liked his rhinos sunny side up.
-
Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?
Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.
-
When does Sean Connery like to show up at Wimbeldon?
Tennish.
-
Why is it called the sistine chapel?
Because the cardinals like to be in something, that isn't eighteen yet.
-
Why have all Remain voters suddenly gotten so salty?
They don't like the taste of being the minority!
-
Which similarities do Bon Jovi and geologists share?
They like rock.
-
Why are Muslim countries are banning PokemonGo?
Because Allah likes digimon
-
What did the shoe say about the customer who didn't like that it had yellow shoestring?
That's lacist.
-
What do you call an astronaut that doesn't like being touched?
A personal space man
-
What do reddit fans and Apple fans have in common?
They both like seeing the same thing a year later.
-
What did Christian Grey say when he read reviews of his movie?
People did not like my movie. I guess I am 50 shades of letdown... But I can sure GET UP"!
-
How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark.
-
Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with?
Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.
-
What do your mom and the Baltimore Police have in common?
They both like giving nickel rides to black men!
-
What's that thing called when your crush likes you back?
Oh yeah. Imagination.
-
Why don't oysters like to share?
Because they're shellfish.
-
Why was the UKIP voter angry?
Because he didn't like the look of the Poles (for this to make sense, pretend the UK election hasn't happened yet)
-
What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
I don't like sprouts!"
-
Why does Saturn have rings?
God really liked it so he put rings on it.
-
Why are there no casinos in China?
Because the Chinese don't like Tibet...
-
Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I'd like to be able to see all of them. That's why I'm here.
-
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter
-
How does Thor's brother like to party?
He likes to keep it pretty Lo-key
-
What does a cat say when he likes something?
A: It's purrrfect.
-
What dose a device that makes electricity and a person who likes a comment on caitlyn's face book page have in common?
They are both generators (jenner-rater)
-
What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall?
At the Schopenhauer.
-
Why does flint never get any likes on their Instagram pictures?
Cause they don't use a filter.
-
Where do French lawyers like to relax?
The J'accusi
-
Why does LeVar Burton not like to travel by airplane?
He usually flies twice as high.
-
What do you call a fissure in the earth that houses old Russian rulers who like to mock others ironically?
Tsar-Chasm
-
What game do tornadoes like to play?
Twister
-
Where does Kanye West like to go with his son?
North West
-
What do you call a spider that likes 80s music?
A Durantula.
-
What's up, girl?
Do you like bad boys kicks rug or good guys fixes rug
-
Why don't native Americans like snow?
We don't like anything white on our land.
-
What did you like best about your last job?
Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
-
What do you call a monk that likes vaporwave?
A S C E T I C
-
What do you call a stingy douchebag who likes plants?
A prick
-
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a
-
Why are there so many trees along the Champs-Elysees?
Because ze Germans like to march in ze shade.
-
What Pokemon likes to run?
Lucardio!
-
What do you call someone who likes speed?
Racist.
-
How do you know if an introvert likes you?
He looks at your shoes instead of his
-
Why do you like to go on camping trips?
Chihuahua: I like to "ruff it!
-
What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common?
They both like to crack open a cold one.
-
Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota?
Because that's where the mini apple is!
-
What do snotty vegetables do when they see something they don't like ?
They 'turnip' their noses.
-
What do mummies like to listen to on Halloween?
Wrap music
-
When George Washington was a general why did he like to have dogs around?
They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"
-
What do you call a girl who likes men with small d**ks?
Your girlfriend!
-
What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie?
I'll be Bach.
-
What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?
Would you like ketchup with your chips
-
Where do terrorists like to go for a drink?
The Allahu Ak Bar
-
What do you like to do in your free time?
Guy: I spy on people. Girl: Really I like to take long walks in the park and go to the movies with my friends. Guy: I know.