A. Jokes

  • Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's floor?

    A. They're all laid with tongue and groove.

  • Why did the line dancer cross the dance floor?

    A. To get to the other (Electric) Slide!

  • How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead?

    A. The remote control slips from his hand.

  • What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common?

    A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.

  • Which president likes doing laundry?

    George WASHING-A-TON. He's the 8 year old white Kevin Hart.

  • How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.

  • How would you write do not touch in Braile?

    A. With copper wire and strong electric current. (read it in a shower thoughts thread)

  • Why is Cinderella so bad at football?

    A. Because she's got a pumpkin for a coach B. Because she keeps running away from the ball

  • How did a blind woman drive herself crazy?

    A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

  • Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome a good lover and a stimulating partner?

    A. In the pages of a romance novel.

  • What do you call a Mexican vegan?

    A. No Whey Jose

  • Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?

    A. So they can find their way back to the house.

  • What does CHAOS stand for?

    A. The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.

  • Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

    A. At a secondhand store.

  • Why does a girls rub her eyes in the morning?

    A. Because they don't have balls to itch.

  • What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

    A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

  • What do you get when you cross a Triceratops and a lemon?

    A. A Dino-sour 2.Q. Were do robots go to worship A. Mech-a

  • How do you know a blonde has been using the computer?

    A. There is cheese in front of the mouse.

  • Why does Mrs. Piggy douche with honey?

    A. Because Kermit the frog likes sweet and sour pork.

  • Why did the blonde get thrown out of the M & M factory?

    A. She kept throwing out all the W's.

  • What is black and white and screams?

    A. A nun falling down a flight of stairs.

  • What is courage?

    He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

  • Why did the jellybean go to school?

    A. Because he wanted to be a smarty

  • How did a blind girl burn her fingers?

    A. Reading the waffle iron

  • Why do Asian woman have small breasts?

    Because her parents accept nothing less than an A.

  • Why do blondes smile when it's lightning?

    A. Because, they think they are having their picture taken.

  • What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?

    A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

  • Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

    A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

  • Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?

    A. The thought had never entered his head before.

  • What do black guys have that's double the size of white men and gets bigger every time they touch a woman?

    A. Their criminal record

  • What do you get... Q. What do you get if you cross a large dinosaur with a frog?

    A. A diplo-croak-us.

  • What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?

    A. Telling you his real name.

  • What do tired line dancers do?

    A. They Line Down :-)

  • How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. Hell you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

  • Why are trains always being falsely imprisoned?

    A. Because of their loco motives

  • What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

    A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

  • Why did Alice fall off the swing?

    A. Because she has no arms. Q. Knock knock *who's there * A. Not Alice...

  • Why can't Snape teach Herbology?

    A. He can't keep the lilies alive.

  • What do accountants use for birth-control?

    A. Their personalities.

  • Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

    A. From chasing parked ambulances.

  • Why do Americans deep fry so much food?

    A. They love OIL

  • How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?

    A. Three if you slice them very thinly.

  • How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

    A. They were really put out.

  • How do we know there are so many environmentalists on reddit?

    A. Because everyone keep recycling the same jokes

  • What do you call two line dancers doing the dance Shoot the Rooster?

    A. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)

  • How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.

  • Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?

    A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

  • Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?

    A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

  • What's the difference between a line dance instructor and a dentist?

    A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

  • Where do fish sleep?

    A. In a river bed

  • Why was the blonde in the tree?

    A. Because she was raking up the leaves!

  • How many line dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!

  • What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

    A. Put the remote control between his toes.

  • Who is the coolest guy in the Hospital?

    A. The Ultra Sound guy. Q. Who is the second coolest? A. The Hip replacement dude.

  • Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?

    A.) Because red means Stop.

  • What do a hurricane a tornado and a redneck divorce all have in common?

    A. Someone's going to lose their trailer...

  • How does Bill Gates enter his house?

    A. He uses "windows".

  • How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?

    A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

  • What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?

    A. They really raised Cain.

  • Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?

    A. "Because sheep would be too obvious"

  • Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?

    A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

  • Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists?

    A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.

  • What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?

    A. "It's okay Daddy I'm not hurt."

  • How did the blonde die ice-fishing?

    A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.

  • Why does Rilla get mad when he's in a race?

    A. Because all his friends shout "GO-RILLA!"

  • How do you get a baby into a shoebox?

    A. With a blender. Q. How do you get a baby out of a shoebox? A. With a straw.

  • Why did the belt go to jail?

    A. Because he held up a pair of pants!

  • Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?

    A. Because they're not supposed to cross the streams

  • Why were India kicked out of the Soccer world Cup held in England in 1966 ?

    A. Every time they were given a corner, they built a shop."

  • How done is she?

    a.) 100% done b.) 300% done c.) SO done d.) She can't even

  • What should you give a man who has everything?

    A. A woman to show him how to work it.

  • What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?

    A. Nothing yet.

  • Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

    A. The Ultrasound Guy