Close Jokes

  • Why did the zoo close the big cat exhibit?

    Because they just kept lion around!

  • What happened to the body builder ...whose favorite gym closed down?

    He was depressed.

  • What did the tree do when the bank closed?

    It started its own branch

  • Why does a blonde woman close her eyes in front of the mirror?

    To see how she looks like when sleeping.

  • What do you call it when all the Chinese places in town start to close?

    Wonton endangerment.

  • How do Jedis close their programs on a Mac?

    They use Force quit.

  • Why couldn't the chicken fly through the window?

    A: It was closed.

  • Why do think that?

    The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."

  • When did you first miss it dear?

    Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

  • Why do hunters close one eye before shooting?

    Because if they close the other, they can't see!

  • How do Muslims close a door?

    Islams it.

  • How do you know if a hippo is in your oven?

    The door won't close

  • Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

    Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

  • What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator?

    Close the door! I'm dressing!

  • How many IT techs does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Ticket closed: Forwarded to facilities.

  • Why did Russia close all of its airports?

    The planes were stalin.

  • How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?

    Sorry we closed 18 seconds ago and I've just cashed up."

  • What's the most awkward aspect of bar-tending at an internet cafe?

    You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs.

  • Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?

    With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed

  • Why did Cyclops close his school?

    He only had one pupil.

  • Why Was The Canvas Maker Late Home From Work?

    He had to close a sail

  • Where'v you been all day?

    At the beauty salon" "Were they closed! "

  • How does an angry Muslim close the door?

    Islams It.

  • What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had ?

    The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had !

  • Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea ?

    Because they climb into tins close the lid and leave teh key outside !

  • What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

    A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

  • How do you get a hippie off your door step?

    Pay for the pizza and close the door.

  • What can happen when a car breaks down?

    A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

  • How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

    Step one: Open the door. Step two: Put the elephant in. Step three: Close the door.

  • Why did Siegfried and Roy close their bakery?

    A batch of Tiger bread turned on them.

  • Why does a blond wear a tight skirt?

    To keep here legs closed.

  • Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?

    Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

  • Why did the cyclops close his school?

    Because he only had one pupil! The joke is that I have no friends

  • Why did the boy close his eyes before opening the refrigerator?

    He didn't want to see the salad dressing.

  • What has four legs and see just as well from either end?

    A horse with his eyes closed!

  • How do you know that there's a monster in your bath?

    You can't get the shower curtain closed.

  • What do you do if you enter a room and a clown is having a stroke?

    Close the door and go to .

  • How often do you guys close your internet tabs?

    One of mine is from the Kerry/Edwards campaign.

  • Why wasn't the fella able to get out when he fell in the river?

    Cause it was on a Sunday and the banks were closed

  • What is a Mexicans closing sales pitch?


  • Why did the man shut his donut shop?

    Why did the man close his donut shop ...because he was fed up with the hole business!

  • What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

    A waist of time *door closes on way out*

  • How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?

    Open the door. Put in the elephant. Close the door.

  • What makes a Mexican saddest about the rise of ebooks?

    The closing of the Borders.

  • Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?

    Because business was very light.

  • Why do hunters close one eye when they aim?

    Because they can't see if they close both.

  • How does a muslim man close a door?

    Islams it!

  • How do you hide an elephant in a fridge?

    You remove his slippers and open the door . You put him inside. You close the door and take the slippers away.

  • What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?

    Close the door.

  • Why do college students already get up at 7?

    Because the supermarket closes at 7:30

  • What movie did they go to see?

    Closed for Winter".

  • How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?

    Sorry we closed 18 seconds ago and I've just cashed up."

  • How does a muslim close a door?

    Islams it.

  • How'd you sleep last night?

    Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed " Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.

  • Why is being a politician more difficult than being a ventriloquist?

    Ventriloquists have to be able to speak with their mouths closed. Politicians speak out of both sides of their mouths simultaneously.

  • What hurts more giving birth or being kicked in the balls?

    A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed.